The Harland Highway - 842 - Bed Bath and YUCK Beyond. A Poly Sci prof explains TRUMP

Episode Date: February 9, 2017

Yuckky things at Bed Bath and Beyond. Harland FAILS at home repairs. A Political Science professor explains Trump. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, welcome to the Harland Highway Podcast. I'm, no, why am I singing it? I should just say it. That's right. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. I am Harlan Williams. What a show today. Today we are going to be talking to an expert about some of the latest political upheavals during Donald Trump's president. We're going to be talking to a professor of political science, Dr. Charles Asmunge, and he's going to kind of help us navigate through all the crazy, frantic stuff that's going on at the White House. Also, a crazy news story. Have you ever been to bed, bath, and beyond?

Wait to you hear what happened at bed, bath, and wink, wink, beyond. Mm-hmm. Also a phone call from one of the pavement pounders. And then also towards the end of the show, you're going to hear yours truly a little frustrated. I tried to be a home handyman. I tried to be, you know, one of those Mr. Fixit guys and didn't exactly go the way I wanted it to.

I wonder if you've been in that situation before. I guess we'll find out, but let's just have some laughs for now on the Harland. Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this.

Oh, yes, you did. Chick-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall-main, baby. And the creature from all the space. Please don't stop. I got to feed an ugly face. Magnificent performance. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you.

Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Here we go. Hello, everybody. What's up, buddy. What's up, body? The Wissau.

Hey, have you ever heard of this place, Bed, Bath, and Beyond? It's a store where you go and buy bad stuff and bath stuff. And then there's that ambiguous

gray area Beyond. Have you ever wondered what the beyond was? Well, let's do a crazy news story, and I think it might help illuminate all of us as to what the beyond in bed, bath, and beyond is. Raj, hit the music.

The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. Yeah, here we go. Here's the headline. Let's get right into it.

Headline reads, two men arrested after sex act on store display. You see where this is going? This happened in New Jersey. Two men were arrested and charged with engaging in lewd behavior on a display bed at bed, bath, and beyond during regular business hours. Uh-oh. Haven't you always wanted to see that, though? You're in a mattress shop or you're at IKEA.

Or you're in a place where they've got, you know, floor model bed set up. and every now and then you know you'll lay down on if you're shopping for a bed you'll lay down on the bed like as if that's going to be an indicator of how you'll sleep for a whole night oh i oh i lay down on my back flatly i stare at the roof oh oh yes yeah oh i think i could sleep here as opposed to actually sleeping in the bed but sleeping is just so boring you just lay there so haven't you always wondered you know when you go to buy a bed what what's this bed going to be like when I want to do some love making baby so i guess uh these dudes decided to test it out it uh the story goes on police officers responded to the bed bath and

beyond on january 30th after report from a witness that two men were engaged in a sexual act god police arrested two 28 year old man one from nutley okay that doesn't sound good, and the other from North Carolina. Both were charged with lewdness, criminal mischief, and possession of marijuana, according to police records. The Nutley suspect was also charged with having an outstanding warrant for his arrest. You know, obviously it's two gay guys, right? And just as fate would have it, one of them's from a place called Nutley. Now, is it just me or does Nutley actually sound like a gay sex act. Do you get the feeling

that they were on the bed doing nutley? Hey David, look at this beautiful mattress. Oh, my God. Oh my God. We have to try it. What would you like to do? I don't know. You up for some nutley?

Yes. Oh, excellent. So, it goes on to say the incident was reported by an employee who witnessed the act. And I want, I got to ask that, of course, you wonder how long does someone witness a sex act? Because really, you're getting a free sex show, right? So if you're an employee, a bed, bath, and beyond, which can't be the most fun or exciting career in the world, well, today I get to straighten the bath towels, and then later I'm going to go to Isle 7 and fluff some pillows.

So you would think that to watch a live sex show at your place of work would be exciting. Right? You're over there fluffing the pillows. La-di-da-di. My God, what's going on over there on the beds? Oh, my God. Are they doing some nutley? Oh, I'm going to go and watch the nutley.

I'm not gay, but anything's more fun than folding dish towels. Um, you know what I mean? It's like how long does someone watch before they go? You know what? I don't like sex. I'm not a big fan of sex. I think I'll go call my superiors right now. Get the police down here.

Although there's probably some sex you don't want to watch, like two guys doing nutly. So the story continues here. One or both of the men apprehended by police were found to be infected with scabies? Oh my God. Doesn't this just get better? A contagious skin infestation

caused by a microscopic parasite that burrows beneath the skin. The arresting officers were exposed to the mites according to the police reports. Good Lord. So not only these guys not leying all over the mattress. And who knows, and I hate to be graphic,

but they were engaged in sex. Who knows if they achieved? And if you don't know what achieved means, who knows if they climaxed all over said floor model demo bed that other people are going to come and lay on. But now on top of that, they infested it with scabies. So now some poor innocent family goes into bedbath and beyond a family place. You know, they take turns laying down on the floor model bed. And when they get home, suddenly they've got... But, you know, they're infected with scabies, and they've got dry sperm on their pants.

Good Lord. This is the nuttyest. It's still, here's some more. Because the two men were found to be suffering from a health condition, their identities are protected by the Health Insurance, Portability, and Accountability Act, officials said. However, police said they were not bed, bath, and beyond employees. Well, who cares about protecting him? them? How about protecting the god-fearing, well-behaved law-abiding public that goes into a store to buy

innocent products and has to lay on their mess? So the police officers were treated at St. Joseph's Hospital and released, though they were on leave for a few days to avoid contaminating the rest of the police department. which also said the booking station had to be fumigated by exterminators to prevent any spread of scabies. Well, did they fumigate the bed, bath, and beyond? Good Lord. How many of you guys are thinking, I ain't going back there? There's the beyond, scabies.

Nutley and scabies. There's your beyond. And then finally it says one of the senior managers of Bed Bath and Beyond's public relation and social media emailed a statement reading, the company, quote, takes the safety of our customers and associates very seriously and finds this incident extremely upsetting, scratch, scratch, scratch, quote out of abundance of caution, the incident-related merchandise and display was immediately pulled from the floor. and discarded. Well, okay, thank you. Wow. That is just creepy, man. Yeesh.

So, you know, there you go. Next time you go and shop and bed, bath, and beyond, just make sure you have a working understanding of what, quote, Beyond means. Because it doesn't sound, too healthy to me. Wow. Hello. Hello.

Hey, buddy. So, check this out. A prima donna is a person who thinks she or he is better than everyone else, and it does not work well as part of a group or team. I want to coin a new term. You coined the term, Dullo. I want to coin the term prima Donald. Think about it.

You can tell me, baby. I like it. I like it, I like it, I like it. I always love a good new catchphrase, prima donald. I like it. It flows to it. It fits prima donald. I like it, but I guess I have to take a little bit of issue with it because of the description you gave.

You know, someone that thinks they're better than everyone else and doesn't work well with others. um well i hate to say it but donald kind of proved he was better than everyone else he knocked out everyone in his own party like 18 top a level contenders and then he knocked out everyone in the other party and whether you like him or hate his guts he was better than everyone else and now he's got he's the he's it sounds weird to say it he's he's he's the top person on planet Earth, according to the way citizens of Earth see the hierarchy. So I guess you lose that argument. And I guess to be the top person on planet Earth, to think you're better than everyone

else, don't you have to kind of have that mindset? Don't you have to have the mindset? He had to believe he was better than all the people competing against him. He had to believe he was better than all the people competing against him in his party and the opposing party so those kind of go hand in hand and as far as it doesn't work well with others i don't know what you're watching but i watch the news every day and maybe you do maybe you don't maybe some of the listeners do some of them don't but oh my god i've i've never seen anything like it and i'm i'm not blowing smoke i've never seen a president inviting the top

the top people from the entertainment industry, from the tech industry. People like Elon Musk and Tim Cook from Apple and, you know, the guy who owns Amazon and Bill Gates and all these people sitting in a room together. He's bringing them in. He just had the whole crew of Harley Davidson in. He's had environmental groups

And he had Al Gore come in He's had influential African American leaders come in Not just to meet but come right into the white Right into the Oval Office and sit there in the Oval Office I mean I've never seen anything like it of you And I'm just being honest And here you guy Got a guy who's picking what many to believe

quite the immaculate and pristine cabinet, and you see it's never been documented in the history of American politics. You've got the Democrats holding it up. They're filibustering. They're delaying. They're not showing up for the confirmation hearings. You want to talk about people not playing and cooperating and not getting a lot. along. I don't know, man. It's only been two weeks, and I see this guy reaching out to so many people and places and things and getting things done and signing things. And holy smokes. So I don't know. I don't know. I'm not blowing smoke. I'm just telling you what I see. You can decide on your own if you think it's bad or good. That's up to you.

But, you know, I had to kind of break down your analysis for the prima Donald thing, which I like. I like that thing. But if that's what we're going to call them, then, you know, maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it's an effective thing. But it's not accurate. I don't think it's totally accurate. So I don't know. Maybe try another one.

I'm up for, I want you to nail it. I want you to come up with a catchphrase that actually encapsulates. who he is and his actions. And I don't know that prima don't Donald does it. Because I think on many levels, and just based on what I've said, you know, that's being proven wrong. So that's just me.

Other people might disagree with that, but that's my point of view. Thanks for the call. I love it. I love that you're thinking about it. Keep them coming, man. Prima Donald. Hey, everybody.

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offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. But you know what? Let's not take my analysis or my opinion to heart. Why don't we actually have someone who's an expert in this field? Instead of listening to lame old me, Why don't we We have an expert on the line, Roger? Roger's telling me we have a professor of political science.

This guy's out of NYU. He's an older guy. Dr. Charles Asmunch? Okay. What is he Austrian or something? I don't, Roger doesn't know. Okay, so this guy's a political policy major. I guess he teaches up at NYU, Charles as Munch.

And let's put him on and see if he can kind of give us a broader perspective on the presidency of Donald Trump and the political arena. And we can even ask him about this new saying prima Donald. Let's put him through, Raj. Hello, doctor. Are you there, sir? Yes, how are you today? great great great uh you know you this is a timely call because you know that we're very divided nation right now people are are very impassioned and fired up about you know the the political

spectrum the two sides of the aisle the dems and the republicans and donald trump yes it's a very uh contentious time right now people uh definitely uh their temperatures are on over drive, and it's very quiglamatic to proglimate this. Yes, sir, yes, sir. And so you're a political science professor, and I'm sure you probably have quite a good handle on the political climate out there. Would you like to kind of explain to our listeners why you think there's so much tension between, you know, the two mindsets here in the political arena? Well, you know, you get to a place when you have a democratic society

where you have a free-thinking society, and people plogromate on where they want to interstone their intentions. And when you interstitialize 40% or 60% of the prokotomous, then there is really no dividing the saturation of the frontier bilateral, robust. Right. So, wait, are you saying that, are you talking about the blue wall thing? Exactly, exactly. And what people didn't see coming in this election was Donald Trump, you know,

for, you know, for all it's worth, put together a prototomous of campaign that cauterized the inflection of the clutch string, you know, the five-barrel inflation zone. Up in the, like in Wisconsin and up like Pennsylvania. Yeah, right through the strata of the me. And I think what the country has to come to terms with is that, you know, not everybody's going to have a Ponsorado when the phlytamide is portrayed on the sacramarialial for Stidamont. Professor Asmunch? It's Asmunch. Charles Asmunch.

Asmunch? That's right. Professor Asmuch, I respect your pedigree and you're obviously a man of deep intellect and superior education. And I'm worried that maybe some of your vocabulary is, you know, maybe some of the people listening aren't quite at the level you're at. And it might be alienating them a bit. if you could maybe, if you could spell out what you're saying more in like layman's terms for the listeners. Absolutely, absolutely.

You know, when you look at this election, when you dissect it, when you take the pieces apart and you lay them side beside on the perfeeshra, there's just no way that the average person can't teraducto, the force, with the nititeride. So what happens is you've got this whole capitulate of rigormortus, and everybody in the ethereal succession ends up fortituting the lasagna at a calitomide rate of accelerated frost freeze layer. Okay, I'm sorry, Professor Charles Asmunch. Asmunch.

Asmunch. I'm not sure anybody's following. It sounds like you're just throwing words in here that aren't necessarily matching. Well, you know, I was invited on your show to discuss this deep and powerful and propeller situation and issue. And, you know, I find it perhaps a little bit insulting that, you know, the depths of the arioli have resurfaced on the volcanic ash during this precipitory conglomerate. Okay, now I think you're just making, using big words and nothing, I don't know that we're learning anything here, Professor. Well, did you go to school, Mr. Williams? Well, now, that sounded like a bit of a pot shot. Well, you know, sometimes when we resurfaced the fructose, one can't help but get to the gelatinous aspect of the pine cedar grain strand.

Okay, now I'm convinced you're... Are you... Are we having a problem here, Mr. Williams? Because, you know, if this isn't working out for you, I can always backstroke the Finlander cremacia. Sir, I think maybe you're just making up words and nothing you're saying is real, and it sounds a lot like gibberish to me.

Well, you know, you can always take the backspin approach, the bilateral bicuspid, And if you want to talk about scapulars or you're a vertebrae man, there's always a lens for that type of upholstreet. Okay, you know what? Get them off. This guy's Dr. Charles Asmunch. Yes, that's my name.

Don't birch bark it out. Okay, get them off, Roger. This guy's a moron. Hello. Now, if you would like me to elaborate, on the pine needle backstroke of the repolished surface of the lilloloneum. I cannot get him off.

God! What the hell was that? Where do you find Dr. Charles Asmont, Roger? Jesus, that guy was annoying. He didn't make one brave... God! Speaking of frustrating, have you ever done this, you little home repair freaks? Have you ever, you know, tried to do something around your own house, fix it?

You know, you're just like, you're in handyman mode. And there's like a crack or a leak or there's something that needs to be nailed or screwed. So on the weekend, I had this area of my house where, you know, where the glass frame goes in your door. You know, there's like the little, the little rim where the glass ends and the door begins. So your glass is sitting in a frame, so to speak. and wherever there's windows meeting wood or metal, right? You usually have to have some kind of silicon seal or cocking or something in there that prevents water from coming in when it rains, right?

So I had an area on my door where the rain was coming in, and over the years it had dripped down, I guess there was a lack of cocking or a lack of sealant. And so the water would come in when it rained and it would drip down the wood inside my house on the inside of the door. And of course, over the years, it left all these horrible water stains in the wood, which just looked nasty. I mean, it made the door look old and gnarly.

So I said, you know what, I'm going to do something about it. this so I went to I went to the Home Depot I bought myself some some water resistant ceiling some some window cocking and I got my electric drill out and I fitted it with like with some wire brush so I could just like buff the wood and sand the wood and I did it all you know it looked beautiful and it actually I was actually why didn't I do this a long time ago You ever do that where you know you should have done something for years and years and you don't do it? And you finally get your lazy ass in gear and you do it and you go, why didn't I do that 10 years ago?

So I probably should have done this like six years ago. So I get on the, I sand all the wood down. I got sawdust in my eyebrows. It looked like a Lord of the Rings character that just crawled out of a barn. You know, got like these powdery eyebrows and sawdust hair, and I'm probably breathing in a bunch of dirty sawdust. But nonetheless, it looks great. The wood looks beautiful.

The stains are completely gone. And I go, okay, now I got to prevent this from ever happening again. I get the damn cocking, and I put it in. I meticulously, I actually got a spatula. You know the kind you make icing with in your kitchen? I actually got the icing spatula, and I smoothed out all the... Like, what am I doing using cooking utensils? But it seemed to be the right tool.

You know, spatula's got kind of that rubbery flat. So it was almost like I was spreading icing in my door, but it was cocking. I fooled the icing spatula. Right? I put it in. Made sure there were no holes. I packed it in. cleaned it all up around the edges, and I'm like, yes, I did it.

I didn't have to hire anyone. And then that night it rained while I was sleeping, and I got up in the morning, and water galore dripping down the inside of my door. Right where I buffed the wood, regardless of the spackling, and the sealant. Just right in my face. Here's what you get for your efforts, Home Depot boy. Fungula, fungula, up yours, eh? You think you can keep the rain out to fuck you?

Up yours, you dirty dumbbell. I was just like, come on, man. Really? I gave up like three hours out of my day to do all this crap. But then I realized I'm like, okay, don't be angry. Don't be angry. Think of the solution. and then I go outside to the other side of the door.

You know, you know, when you can see through glass, and on one side you're inside, and on the other side, you're outside. Well, guess what old dummy didn't do? It doesn't rain inside your house. It rains outside your house. I didn't cock the glass on the outside. I just cocked on the inside. Oh, dummy.

So now I've got to go out and cock the outside, and hopefully that does it. But it's just so frustrating when you try to do something. You try to be a good guy. You try to be a homemaker. You try to be, you know, industrial. You try to be that guy, that Mr. Handyman. And then you're just a complete loser. You didn't fix anything.

So I'm not giving up. I'm going to give it another shot. See if I can get it right. And we'll go from there. I'll keep you posted. We'll end the show on my little sad, sad, sad outing. Don't ask me to come over to your house and fix anything, all right? Because I don't think I'll do a very good job.

I'll give it a good effort, but I don't know that I'll be successful. Boo-hoo. But you know what I am successful at? Stand-up comedy. making people laugh. And I'm going to be kicking off a brand new show tonight in North Carolina. I'm here in North Carolina at Charlie Goodnight. I'll be here right through the weekend, so it'll be February 9 through the 12th.

Please come out. Please come out and have some giggles. And then the following weekend I'll be in Spokane, Washington, Bros. Yeah, February 16th to the 8th. 18th, Spokane, Washington, bro. So that's going to be a real good time. I have never done stand up in that part of that city. So come on up.

And then March 2nd through 4th, I will be in Phoenix, Arizona. Yes, at Stand Up Live. So please come on out. Enjoy. Go on my website, harlomwilums.com. You can get all the. info you need all the info you need and uh and uh you know get tickets you can buy the tickets right online to my shows and i hope we see you there man it'll be fun uh it's harlo williams.com

the stand-up comedy uh tour link also while you're there check out our store we have a cool merch store with t-shirts and all kinds of cool comedy product memorabilia i don't know why said that it's not memorabilia idiot uh also you can write me at harlow williams dot com or you can phone and leave a voicemail three two three seven three nine forty three thirty three three seven three nine forty three thirty love hearing from you you're crazy mixed up nuts uh and that's it that's all we have time for today i hope you had a good time uh get our free app go into your uh your uh your uh your cell phone into your app store, just type in the Harland Highway, and boom, you have the app free of charge. You will be notified every time we have a new podcast, and there you go.

You can listen wherever you go. Join our premium membership, $20 a year, get you all the archived episodes plus special stand-up comedy audio and other fun things. 20 bucks a year And what else? That's it I hope you had a good time Be cool I hope you're getting through the winter okay

The February Blas And until next time Chicken Chalman Baby You know the depths of the Aeriali have resurfaced On the volcanic ash

during this precipitory conglomerate.