The Harland Highway - 844 - Drug smuggler calls to discuss wall. Calls from listeners.

Episode Date: February 16, 2017

A drug smuggler calls to laugh off Donald Trump's wall. CRAZY NEWS story. Calls from listeners. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the Harland Highway podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Woo-hoo. Okay, enough. Welcome everybody to the podcast, the Harlan Highway. I'm your host, Harland Williams. Glad to have you here, as always. Love having you here. Not just glad, love. Great show today. We are going to be talking to a drug smuggler who's going to address the proposed wall that Donald Trump is putting up. He's going to talk to us about, how they get over the wall, how drugs are smuggled, et cetera, et cetera, should be illuminating. Also, a crazy news story regarding an ingenious method of getting drugs over the wall. Wait a way to you hear this. It never ceased to amaze me how ingenious people can be. Also, a few calls from some of our pavement pounders. We're going to talk about some racially charged stuff.

We're going to talk about some physical appearance stuff, you know, stuff that we like to deal with here on the show. And as I said, the crazy news story about people finding new and different ways to get their products over the wall. So let's get over the hump. Let's have some fun. And this is the Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway.

No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did it. Chick-chic-chac-cha, chick-chic-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall-main, baby. I'm the creature from all the spayy. Please don't stop. I got to see that. Ugly things.

Magnificent performance. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. The Harlan Highway. The Harland Highway.

Crazy news story. That's weird. That's strange stuff. All right, let's start things off with a crazy news story, shall we? I don't know why I did that. But this one is interesting, and this was inevitable. But here's the headline, Drug Catapult found attached to Arizona-Mexico border fence. Aye, aye, yoy, yoy. Let me play a little clip of this here to set the mood. All right? Here we go. Listen to this.

A drug catapult used to project bundles of marijuana over a fence was found near the Arizona-Mexico border. According to officials, U.S. Customs and Border Protection were patrolling the area near the Douglas Port of Entry when they noticed people fleeing the fence as they approached. Once they did approach, two bundles of marijuana were found. Each winged, 23 pounds. Also found was the catapult system attached to the Mexico side, which was seized and dismantled by the U.S. Border Patrol. Federal authorities say smugglers are finding more and more unusual ways to get drug bundles across the border, from shooting them over with air-powered cannons to placing vehicle ramps next to border fences. Right? So, you know, it's human ingenuity, gang. Um, you know, if we can put a man on the moon,

I think there'll be multiple ways to get drugs over the fence or the wall or whatever ends up being erected on the border. As you all know, Donald Trump vows to put a fence, a wall, a giant laser beam, an incineration device, a gamma ray, a giant bear trap, a moat filled with alligators. It doesn't matter what's there. people will find a way through and under and over and beyond. And in a way, it's kind of cool because it's remarkable how humans are so resourceful and have so much ingenuity. They're amazing solving problem solvers. And obviously a wall or a barrier will slow down.

and impede the transportation and smuggling of said drugs. But to think that it will eliminate it is foolhardy. I think it's a noble proposition. We should try to stop drugs and illegal things from entering the country, including people. That's why we have laws, ladies and gentlemen. Whether it's drugs, people, animals, ivory. weapons you name it if it's illegal it's illegal if it's not coming through the right way then it's coming through the wrong way but it's kind of it's sad in a way too that there are

people that try to defy laws and try to break the law and try to make a living being corrupt and in being corrupt and end up corrupting other people people, let's not kid ourselves. There are some horrible, horrible consequences for illegal drugs coming over the wall. There are children and students and adults and all kinds of people that are affected and devastated. And for every time you go out and have a fun time at a rave or get stoned watching the Simpsons or, you know, Have a really cool night out with your buddies. Also know that there's some guy dying in an alleyway with a needle in his arm.

There's some kid stoned out of his head driving his car off the bridge. There's an honor student who had a fruitful life ahead of him or her, who got addicted when he or she took one hit of acid or one toot of coke or one drop of ecstasy just for recreational purposes at a party and love the sensation so much that they were hooked. So, you know, as comedic as this is, it's also tragic. And, you know, I think for people who object to a wall, for people who object to, you know, the transportation of illegal drugs and smuggling, you know, I say, let it be your son or daughter. How would you feel when your kid commits suicide because they can't escape the evil clutches of a drug addiction?

It's all fun in games. It's all great to stand up on your soapbox and, you know, be a supporter or someone who doesn't see the harm in the trade of illegal entities. until it lands right in your lap. I mean, I think we've all watched that show, you know, intervention. I don't know if you've ever seen this show on A&E. It follows people with drug addictions, and it follows them to a point where there's an intervention and they seek get help.

And I'll tell you, man, this stuff rips individuals apart. It destroys not only them, but their family. families. It's devastating. And all of it starts off as a good time. I don't think anyone takes drugs or puts a needle in their arm or smokes a joint going, you know, I really hope this leads to a slow spiral into painful, agonizing, torturous death. I don't think that's how they start. I think it starts with like, oh, man, we're going to have the best time up at the cottage this weekend, bro. Oh, fucking rides.

Let's get high and go parasailing, bro. Cut to, you know, two and a half years later. I'm in an alley. I'm shivering. I ship my pants. Health and human services took my baby. I'm living in an alley. I'm freezing.

Somebody, I'll do anything. I'll suck you off for a hit. Please, someone. Someone, give me some drugs. You know, I mean, it's just, ugh. But for the sake of this conversation, I think I'd rather, I've already, you know, peeled open the horror of drugs and the drug trade. And it's not to say that everyone who tries drugs goes down this path. I'm saying a percentage of people who start off with drugs end up in a living hell and often end up dying.

I don't even want to look at the statistics of how many people have died in the last year from drug use. But going back to our story, let me read some of it here because I actually find some comedy in it. I mean, the idea that somebody, someone with the ingenuity to create a catapult, going back to like Roman times, you know, the catapult was initially a weapon used in medical. medieval times in Rome, in England, all over the planet. It was a weapon that they used to launch rocks and projectiles and flaming rags covered with burning oil, and, I mean, it was a lethal weapon. It was like, you know, without the aid of air support and having jet fighters in the air, the catapult was kind of like the aerial bomb squad.

And, you know, it basically, it's almost like the, based on the principle, you pull down the arm, it's ratcheted up with tension, you release it, and it shoots forward, and it projects what's ever been sitting in the holder and shoots it for, who knows how long. They do it nowadays, they have this thing called the Pumpkin Chunkin. I don't know if you've seen it, but they use, like, these catapults to throw pumpkins around out in the fields and in the Midwest. But here's the story. U.S. Border Patrol agents discovered a catapult used to throw bundles of marijuana over the wall while patrolling an area near the Douglas Port of Entry on February 10th. Agents saw several people quickly retreating from the fence as the agents approached officials. said. When agents arrived, they searched the area and located two bundles of marijuana weighing more than 47 pounds, as well as a catapult system attached to the Mexico side of the border

fence. Mexican law enforcement officials responded to the area and seized the catapult system, which was dismantled by the U.S. Border Patrol. I mean, not only is this like ingenious and crazy, you know, catapults don't strike me as exactly the most precise form of transportation. I mean, when you fling something through the air that's almost 50 pounds, it's not like there's a guidance system. So you got a feel for people on the other side of the wall. I mean, you know, can you imagine, you know, Betty Johnson and her kids in the minivan driving to Whole Foods to pick up the groceries? La-de-de-de-poh!

A giant bundle of weed hits the front window. Mommy, what was that? I'm scared. Oh, my God, children. Let me call the police. We were just hit by a giant bundle of weed. Cancel the police, children. How would you like to smoke your first reefer? Yes, Mommy, yes.

I mean, imagine if you were walking, you're just out walking your dog. A woman killed today by a flying bundle of weed. I mean, can you imagine just out of nowhere a bundle of weed flies out of the sky and hit you? What if this said bundle of weed landed in a farmer's field? And all the cows are like, nah. Hey, uh, Fred, I don't believe of miracles much, but, uh, did you just see, like, a bundle of hayfall from the sky? Uh, yeah, here you, uh, Carl, I, I think maybe God is blessing us with some extra food. Yeah, let's get over there and eat, man.

Yeah. All of a sudden, you got stoned cows walking around? Hey, man, oh, fuck, me, bro, me, hey, let me squirt some. milk in your eye, bro. P-s-p-p-p-p-oh, shit, dude, right my eye. Oh, man, let's have a milk fight. I got the munchies, dude. I'm thirsty, too.

I can't suck my own teeth, but would you mind if I had a freaking milkshake? So I don't know, man. Pretty weird. And you got to figure humans, man. They will find a way. They will catapult it. They will air can in it. They will put it on a glider.

They will drone it over. They will liquefy it and spray it over in a hose. They will freeze it and, you know, they'll freeze the liquid THC. And who knows what else is coming, man. And that's another reason why you kind of need these barriers. You know, it's like even if they do. get some over, which they ultimately will, I think the barriers will at least inhibit and reduce and kind of dissuade people from going to all the effort.

And I think the Border Patrol will get wiser and wiser to these things and bang, boom. So there you go, man. If you're out walking, if you're out like walking your dog or you're out driving the minivan, you know, Watch out for flying bundles of weed, bro. You might, you know, you might want to invest in, like, a pickup truck. So if you are driving around, it's like maybe a bundle lands right in the back of your pickup truck, and you can just go home and, like, have a party and a barbecue with your friends. What up, dudes?

I got some skyweed, bro. Oh, righteous. Can I suck on your cow nipples? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy.

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All right. Well, speaking of this wall, I think it's important that maybe, you know, we get a honest and serious perspective on, you know, how effective this wall would be, how realistic it is, if it really will affect the drug cartel. Roger, I don't know where you get these guys, but Roger has found a guy who is willing to talk to us from the south of the border.

We can't pinpoint his location. We can't use his real name. So what are we calling him? Mr. Smith? Okay, we're calling this gentleman, Mr. Smith. He is an actual drug dealer from Mexico, and we are going to ask him directly about the effectiveness of a wall. Hello, Mr. Smith, are you there, sir? Hello.

Yes, sir, Mr. Smith? Yes. Obviously, that's not your real name, sir. I understand your need to stay incognito. Yes, that's absolutely right to Mr. Williams. Okay. Well, can we talk about this wall situation? I mean, obviously, from my producer, Roger's research,

you without disclosing your location or any other pertinent information, you are admittedly a drug smuggler from south of the border in Mexico. We won't say exactly what part of the border you're on, but suffices to say that you do have made a career out of smuggling contraband over the border. Yes, Mr. Williams, that is true. And what is your assessment of the proposition of this wall? Well, it's laughable, Mr. Williams, you know. And I don't know if you can hear me laughing.

Yes, we hear you laughing, Mr. Smith. You know, you do what you want. You know, build it 30 feet high, build it 70 feet high, build it right through the moon if you want, Mr. Williams. Well, are you saying that height will not restrict you from getting your product to the market, so to speak? Yeah, I mean, you know, you can build a wall as big as you want, as long as you want, as I as you want. You know, we have so many different methods to get our contraband over the wall. It's almost ridiculous.

Well, can you give us some examples of how you can get drugs over the wall? Well, you can throw a baby. Pardon me, sir? We can throw a baby. I mean, babies are light at the average infant weighs about, you know, three. to seven pounds, and, you know, it's very easy to throw a baby, you know, duct tape with drugs all over its chubby little legs and on its forehead and on its back. Are you telling me you're going to throw babies with drugs duct tape to their bodies over the wall?

Well, you know, the thing about a baby, Mr. Williams, is they have legs. Now, if you catapult something like you mentioned in your last story, the bundle has nowhere to go. It lands where it lands. But a baby, I mean, a baby is going to get hungry. A baby is going to want some comfort, some warmth, some food. So a baby will get up and wander around. And basically, we have a wandering bundle of cocaine, a wandering bundle of crystal meth, what have you. Sir, that is sinister.

Yeah, well, I'm going to make a living. I mean, what do you do for a living, Mr. Williams? Well, I do a podcast, sir. Did you hear me laughing again? Is that what you call this thing? Look, I don't need to be insulted, sir. We contacted you to have a fair and real conversation about this serious problem. Oh, my God, a podcast.

Maybe he's getting the drug trade, Mr. Williams. I'm sure they're a lot more lucrative, you know? Look, sir. Can we just stay on topic? Sure, I mean, you know, this is a walk in the park for someone like me, Mr. Smith, and other people in my field. I mean, do you think you're going to stop the flow of drugs by erecting a wall? Well, like I said, at least it's a deterrent.

Have you ever heard of a ghost, Mr. Williams? What do you mean a ghost? Like a spirit from the Netherworld? Okay, yes Okay, all we have to do is dig up some bodies We give the drugs to the ghost The ghost can pass right through a wall No problem, I mean it's

I mean, what are you people stupid? What are you? A ghost? That's right, Mr. Williams Have you ever seen Casper the friendly ghost Or poltergeist or I mean these these spirits That they can pass right to a wall, a building It doesn't matter

You're telling me you're gonna give drugs to ghosts. Why not? There's a lot of dead people. They need work. They need lives. They need things to do. I mean, how would you want to just lay in a grave all day?

Why not, you know, do something productive, make a little money. You know, you get to... We hand you some drugs. We tape some drugs to you. You walk it through the wall. Bing, bang, boom. Everyone wins. Sir, you...

Are you... Come on! We also have other ways. I mean, there's worms. What do you mean worms? Well... Mr. Williams, where do worms live? They live in the ground.

Okay, so what do we do? We dig up the worms. We fill them full of heroin, right? We get the needles. We pump the two worms full of heroin. We put them back in the ground. They crawl under the fence. Nobody's the wiser.

You're going to pump up worms with heroin? Why not? I mean, you know, it's like a free drug mule. Come on, Mr. Smith. and I'm sure you know about birds, Mr. Williams. Yes. Well, you remember during the war in Germany, in England, in the United States of America, how did they message each other?

What was one of the most common methods that the spies used to, you know, communicate with one another? Are you referring to the passenger pigeon? Hello, Mr. Williams, that's right. we can easily attach, you know, five or six packages of cocaine, fine, pure cocaine, black heroin, hashish, or Hawaii now, or whatever you want to just tie it to a pigeon. Or how about a blue heron? I mean, those fucking things are huge. Okay, you're not going to tie drugs to a blue heron.

Have you ever seen a bald eagle? That's America's bird. That fucker can probably carry a whole bundle. They got these great big yellow clouds. Holy fuck, they can carry your refrigerator full of heroin. You're not going to use birds. Oh, yeah, you want to fucking stop me? I mean, have you ever seen a flock of fucking starlings or a flock of crows?

I mean, sometimes there's 10, 20, 50, 100,000, Mr. Williams. Well, that's true. I have seen giant flocks of birds. Well, these fucking flockers will take all the drugs we want over the border. Who's going to stop them? What are you going to make birds illegal? You know, you actually have a bit of a point there. I never thought about that.

And then we also have dandruff. What do you mean dandruff? Well, dandruff floats through the air. If we soak the dandruff in T.H.C. or crystal meth, the dandrum, you know, we get old people standing at the border. They got flaky skin. They got syriasis. They got eczema. You know, we just scraped their skin.

We get some fans. We blow their THC, their drug-saturated skin flakes over the... Okay, you know what? Now you're just reaching. I'd like to reach over there and pull your pants down and slap you right in the balls, Mr. Williams. All right, hang up on this idiot. I'm going to slap your balls. Hello?

Hello? Hey, Arland, it's Ethan. I was just giving you a call because I was on the train today and saw a guy without a chin and, you know, thought about you. Anyway, sweet and sour chicken, baby. Oh, yeah, nothing's changed. I still have no chin. I'm glad you thought of me. God.

Isn't that nice? That when people see a guy with no chin, they think of me? Oh, God. Why, Lord? Why? Why me? I mean, come on. No respect, all right?

But it's true. I mean, when I see a guy with no chin, I think of me. Okay? That's just the way I was designed, and I got to live with it. I got no chin. Let's see what else we got out there. Thanks for the call, man. Ethan, no chin.

Let's see what else we got. Arlen, what's up? This is Frank from Chicago. First-time caller, a long-time listener. Just catching up on your podcast. On the Sydney Qualque episode, January 16th, you're talking about the SARS masks and all of that, being hyper offended that you thought that they were not wanting to breathe in your mess. It's quite the contrary.

I've been in the field for a while. They actually, when they get sick, the Asians, that is, if it doesn't sound too racist, they like to keep it to themselves. So they're actually trying to do you a favor by not spreading their sickness to you. Love your podcast. Talk to you again. Bye. Right on, Frank from Chicago. Thanks for the update, man.

Yeah, I talked about, and this just happened to me like the other day, too. I was at an airport. And once again, an Asian person with like a mask on their face. And I did a whole segment recently about how I was offended that, you know, they didn't want to share our air or that they knew something we didn't. But it sounds like, and you said you're in the field. I'm not sure I understand what field you're in if you're in the SARS mask. or you're in the health industry, but it sounds like somehow you're in tune with why they wear it.

And culturally, I guess that's kind of good to know. If they're wearing the mask to prevent others from receiving their virus or their sickness or whatever they've got going on, that's actually very courteous and very polite. I'm not 100% sure I believe that, but you know what? I'll take your word for it. I hope that's accurate. But, you know, that makes me feel better. So I thank you for that.

But one thing in your call that did worry me a little bit was this. I'm going to play it for you. They actually, when they get sick, the Asians, that is, if it doesn't sound too racist. No, no, it doesn't sound too racist. They're Asians. They're Asian people. They're Asian human beings. We were talking about Asians.

If we were talking about white people, I would expect you to reference them as white people. If you were talking about Mexican people, I'd expect you to say Mexican. See, here's the issue with our politically career. And I'm not jumping down your face here, Frank. This is more a commentary about all of our society, especially here in America, North America. It just, it troubles me. that you felt like you had to make a disclaimer, simply because you said the word Asian.

And yet you were talking about Asians. The conversation was about, what else could you refer to them as? The people with the masks who traditionally have very black hair and they live over on the other side of the world in Asia. I don't want to say what they are, but dudes, ladies, gentlemen, we've become so programmed to be afraid and be labeled racist and that you can't even call things what they are anymore.

Oh, that scares me. It drives me nuts. So, Frank, please don't apologize. You didn't do anything. It doesn't sound racist, man. We've got to stop this. But this is the phobes. that the media and society has perpetuated on the rest of us

where even the name or the wording of another culture makes us feel guilty to even utter the words. Someday we're going to feel guilty to say the word African-American or Latino or Caucasian or Asian. It's just, it's so awful. So I want everyone to work on that style. Stop apologizing. Stop letting these people that want you to feel racist, make you feel racist.

Unless I hear you use a slanderous word like the N word or the wetback word or the honky word or the C word when referencing the Asians, that stuff is wrong, inappropriate, racist. and hurtful and mean. To reference a person from a certain race that is actually of that certain race is totally fine and acceptable. Let's stop feeling guilty, paranoid, and all the rest of it. And I wish the media and all these people that don't want labels or titles or identifying marks or anything to be you, I mean, what do we do? Just become like Prince? Remember when Prince used a symbol?

He went to a symbol where you didn't say his name. It was just you had to use it. No one knew what to call Prince, the musician. He used for a while he was a symbol. And no one knew what to do. Is that what we want to be? So you can't identify anyone verbally? Come on, knock it off.

And again, Frank, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad that society has driven us to a state. where people like you have had to defend themselves and use a disclaimer when it's clearly not needed. God. So my little advice to you is to stop filtering yourself and everyone else stop filtering themselves from using totally legitimate language.

Good Lord. Frank, you silly honky? Whoops. I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that. For all I know, you could be Asian. You Asian, Frank? No, no, no. You, you Mexican. Oh, no, forget it. So whatever you do, just everyone, peace and love and harmony in your heart. We don't use bad, horrible, hurtful, stereotypical, slanderous titles. If you're calling someone what they are, it's perfectly fine, okay? And I'll leave it there with my moral lesson, my ethical, societal tirade. But it really does get under my craw. Thank you for your calls, you guys.

Please keep them coming. And, you know, am I going to be offended that I was called chinless? No, it made me laugh. I love it. I call myself chinless. You know why? Because I am chinless. I'm a honky white.

honky chinless honky honk anyways if you want to leave me a message i love hearing from you 323 739 43 30 323 739 43 30 okay and you can talk about whatever you want i don't mind one bit um also if you want to write me if you don't have the courage to leave a voicemail and by the way it's just a voicemail you don't have to talk to anyone real You have about two minutes. The voicemails are about two minutes long, so don't go on too long. You'll get cut off. Or you can write me at harlunwilliams.com.

That is my web site. You can also go into our store there and buy some fun merchandise. You can look around. Look at our music page. You'll be able to see videos from the cousins. Me and my cousin, Kevin Hearn, are putting out a new album. you can actually listen to our title song at the website. If you go on the Cousins page and you can listen,

you can sample Rattlesnake Love, which is also the name of our new album. Love to get your feedback on what you think of the song Rattlesnake Love at harlombs.com on the music link. You can also, you know, browse around. I put a new page up about a lot of people don't know that I do a lot of cartoon voice work. I put a new page on the website.

called Voices. If you want to go to that link, you can kind of look at my history and you might be surprised to see some of the cartoon voices I've done in animated movies and TV shows over the years. It's been really fun.

Got some new projects coming out that I've got up there. You can look at. All kinds of fun stuff up there, gang. So take a look at Harlow Williams.com. And if you go on the comedy link, the stand-up tour link, You'll see that tonight, I start in Spokane, Washington.

Oh, yes, my first time doing stand-up in Spokane will be tonight, February 16th through Saturday, the 18th. It's going to be a lot of fun. You can buy your tickets right on my website at harloweems.com. And then a few weeks later, March, one of my favorite cities in the country, Phoenix, Arizona. I just love it. March 2nd to March 4th. I will be at stand-up live, stand-up live, right downtown Phoenix, fantastic, beautiful club. Please come out, get your tickets online at harlandwilliams.com.

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And for 20 bucks a month, you can get the whole back catalog over 850 episodes just about of the podcast from the very inception, conception, the first episode all the way up to today's episode. it's a great deal for 20 bucks a year plus bonus interviews bonus stand-up comedy bits bonus you know all kinds of stuff that I put up there from time to time so I hope you get that for 20 bucks a year I appreciate everyone who is a premium member thank you for joining up we'll have some new content up for you on there very very soon I promise so that's it for today. Thank you for being here, everybody. You guys rock my world. And until next time, as I always say,

Chicken, Chau-Main, baby. I'd like to reach over there and pull your pants down and slap you right in the balls, Mr. Williams.