The Harland Highway - 845 - DONALD TRUMP calls in for President's Day. Jurasic Park reality.

Episode Date: February 20, 2017

President TRUMP calls in for President's Day. Modern day dinosaurs. STOP counting your change!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yes, it's President's Day, ladies and gentlemen. In the United States of America, it's President's Day. And guess what? This is unbelievable. Roger, my producer, actually was able to get through the White House. We, since it's President's Day, we scored an interview with the President himself. I'm not kidding. Yes, Donald Trump is calling into the show later in the podcast.

So I'm going to be asking him about all his policies, about all the madness, about we're going to try and cover the gamut. I'm like, I got butterflies. Wow. So later on in the show, Donald Trump, President of the United States, to talk to us on presidents. They also a crazy news story about woolly mammoths. Have you ever seen Jurassic Park? Well, it looks like they might be bringing a dinosaur back. Pretty cool stuff, you know, messing around with DNA and jeans.

And then also a segment where I kick off the show where I'm just mad as hell. You know my mad as hell segment. I hope you guys can get on board with what I'm mad about because it's driving me nuts. And I got to get it out of my system because I'm all pent up. I just got a vent, man. So here we go. All kinds of stuff here today. It's going to be fun.

It's President's Day on the Harland. Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did.

Chick-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall-main, baby. And the creature from all the space. Please don't stop. I got to feed an ugly face. Magnificent performance. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes.

What do you say? We get down to business. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Right out of the gate, I need to get something off my chest.

something that's really pissing me off and so you know what that means gurgle Nargans and Fledingerblungens it's another session of Harlan getting pissed off play it, Raj

This is Harland Williams You're really pissing me off Oh, you're starting to piss me off you little pigless son bitch You pissed me off Shut up, you're pissing me off! These fucking assholes, this fuck... These fucking assholes!

The fuck is their problem, man! Oh, yes! What is their problem? Listen, here's what's pissing off today. Lurtles and bluer-noggins, okay? You are never going to get rid of your change, okay? There's no end of the line to change. As long as you're a consumer, as long as you carry a purse or a wallet or have pockets or have a piggy bank, change doesn't end.

It's not like winter starts and winter ends. Change just keeps coming. You will never get ahead of the change. So when you're in the line at the grocery store, at the fast food place, at the snack bar at the movie theater, wherever the hell you are. Stop counting out the fucking change. Uh, excuse me, sir, that'll be $3.87. Oh, well, let me just count out every single penny here.

Let me see. There's a nickel. There's a corner. There's a dime. Oh, I've got about 12 pennies here. I've always wanted to get rid of those. One, two, three. Fuck off!

Just because you get rid of your change in the... that moment doesn't mean there's not a whole bunch more change coming you jackass and meanwhile the rest of us are standing there behind you getting old we're physically aging will you stand there oh there's another nickel there's a dime oh oh then i think i'll keep that dime it's uh from the 1940s let me see if i have a different dime in here hurry your ass up oh my god and it's It's like an obsession with these people. It's like a game. You see them.

They're like, oh, these coins are loading my wallet down. I've got to get rid of them. And once I get rid of them, it'll, from here on in for the rest of my life, it'll just be crispy bills. $10 bills, $5 bills, $1 bills, $100 bills, no more coins, no more change. Wrong! Idiots! move your fat asses you know what if you want to do the change thing

if you want to be that maniac rain man moron who has to count out every freaking coin because you think you're getting rid of it then look around you look look behind you see if there's a line behind you see if there's one other human being behind you if you see anyone behind you just go you know what I'll do the change thing next time here's a couple of dollar

bills you know give me my six cents change i probably won't be able to walk because it's going to load down my purse and it'll be too heavy i'll have to pull it out i'll need the store security to help me with my purse because i got six extra coins in it wow wow i was at macdonalds the other day and just this couple they're and they know they're doing it they're actually looking behind them and kind of smiling. We're just unloading all our... I'm digging in the bottom of my purse. I think some of them fell out of my change purse.

Like they knew! And then there's other people. You're at the line, and you got frozen foods at the checkout line. You got ice cream. You got frozen TV dinners. They're thawing out. The ice cream's melting

because this old fucking misery weasel has to count out every freaking coin and penny and quarter why don't we just do away with change do we really need change what are we in the medieval days where we walk around with little satchels and coins jingling in our pockets

can we not just round everything off you know can everything just be started a dollar Everything's just in dollars. It's always rounded off. If that's just the way things worked, no one would care. Can we please phase out the coins, or at least phase out the slow-ass morons

that feel the need to count every damn coin when they make a purchase. Move your asses! Oh, there I feel better. Thank you. Thank you. That felt really good. Oh. Okay. So speaking of money, it's President's Day. And, you know, we took a long shot. You know, but it seems like everyone who wants to get an interview with President Donald John Trump seems to get one.

I mean, this guy's more open than a phone book at a Chinese library, whatever that means. And so Roger, I asked Roger to, you know, call up the White House call as people, see if we can do an interview with the president because it's, it's President's Day. And so it looks like Trump's on board. Roger's giving me the thumbs up. So in a few minutes here, we're going to connect to the White House and have a President's Day chat with the President. It makes sense, right? But in the meanwhile, in the mean, while. I think we should

jump to a crazy news story because there's some nutty stuff happening up there. Rodge, hit the crazy news story, man. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff.

Okay, I like this story. This story's crazy, but in a really cool way. Maybe you'll agree with me. Here's the headline. I love this. woolly mammoths could be de-extinct in two years. For those of you that don't know what a woolly mammoth is, it's a prehistoric elephant, giant, hairy, woolly, giant, huge, long, curved tusks. And let's read the story here.

It's fascinating. The whole nostalgia thing is getting out of control because scientists are about to bring back the woolly mrs. mammoth, the Guardian reports. Harvard professor George Church who is called a maverick geneticist is leading a de-extinction

team that says it's about two years away from creating a hybrid embryo combining mammoth traits with Asian elephant DNA. Wow! So maybe it's not a pure woolly mammoth. Let's keep reading here.

Woolly mammoths went extinct about but 4,000 years ago due to human hunting. Really? It kind of sounds weird when you think of humans and mammoths existing together. You know, humans, 4,000-year-old humans walking the earth while mammoths still roamed the earth. And it's interesting, it makes me wonder like, you know, obviously 4,000 years ago, humans did not have the means to traverse the planet the way we do today.

I mean, we can find anything with a satellite, we can fly, we can land in a helicopter, we can take a boat, we can take a all-terrain vehicle, you name it, man, a snowmobile, a hovercraft. I mean, where can't we go? But 4,000 years ago, I mean, all they really had was their legs and maybe horses, unless, you know, the pyramid,

were really were run by aliens, and they flew around in little mini, you know, flying saucers. Must get the mammoth. Activate the flying saucers. Let's go on a mammoth hunt. Beallie blerps glerp. Must have mammoths meat for dinner. Belele-le-lop-lop-grub-girp. So it makes you wonder, like, you know, if mammoths inhabited many areas of the earth,

and for what I know about mammoths, they've done. dug them up everywhere from Utah to China to, you know, it seems like these things roamed all over the planet pretty much. And you got to figure they were probably around before man came along. So they were just, you know, breeding and having babies willy-nilly. So you got to, you know, since they're a grazing animal, you got to figure there must have been hundreds of thousands, if not millions and millions of these. things on the planet, and they had to be in some of the most remote areas where human

beings just didn't have the ability to get to. So it makes me wonder about this whole thing that, well, I should have read the rest of the story. It says, they went extinct 4,000 years ago due to human hunting and warming temperatures. Okay, well, I just wasted like five minutes of my breath right there. I guess you don't want warming temperatures when you're a woolly mammoth. You're basically nature's pull-over sweater. You're basically nature's walking Christmas sweater when you're a woolly mammoth.

The last thing you want is it to get warm. I mean, when was the last time you saw a guy at the beach and a Christmas turtleneck? This is what the woolly mammoths wore. The earth started to warm up, and these poor giant hairy woolly mammoths, like, Jesus Christ, has anyone got some tremors, Ed? Ed in the back? Has anyone got some shears or does anyone know how to do a jerry curl or something? Because I'm sweating my hairy ass off.

Now it goes on to say in the past few years, Church and his team have managed to splice 45 mammoth edits into an Asian elephant DNA, including ones that control. for a mammoth, shaggy hair, small ears, fat layers, and more. I mean, that's just science stuff, right? Well, we managed to splice 45 mammoth edits into an Asian elephant. You want to come back to my hotel, baby? Yeah, that's right.

I said I spliced 45 edits into a mammoth DNA. Where are you going? Come back. Come back. I mean, that's, I don't even know what that means. Well, Church and his team believe they can have a mammothant. All right, that sounds like something a doctor does to a woman's breasts. Yes, uh, Mrs. Jackson, I'm afraid the mammothant didn't go very well.

You've got about a year to live. Do you mind if I touch your mammothants one more time just to be? Ow! Oh, excuse me. A mammothant. They believe they can have a mammophant embryo in two years. It will be much longer before anyone sees one in the wild. The team wants to grow mammophants completely in a lab in order not to mess with the reproduction of endangered Asian elephants,

and that technology doesn't exist yet. Well, no one said anything about releasing them in the wild. I mean, can you just bring a giant mammoth back and release it into the wild without repercussions? I mean, good Lord, elephants are big enough. Wully mammoths almost dwarfed elephants. So I don't know. Is modern man, you know, are we ready for a woolly mammoth?

I mean, how many of you have seen a deer run across the road and flip the hell out? Oh, my God, a deer! Oh, my God, a raccoon on the road. A squirrel! Holy fuck, a Wye mammoth! I mean, good Lord! That would like black out the horizon line. Hey, everybody.

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Church says it could do a lot more than give zoos a neat new exhibit. Well, there you go. Come on. Are we to seriously? You're going to bring something back from 4,000 years ago to put it in a cage?

You know, I almost, now I almost don't want it to happen. It's like, leave the thing alone. Good Lord. Come to the zoo. See the pandas, see the chimpanzees, see the woolly mammoth. I don't know, man. In the summertime, you'd probably just see the woolly mammoth die from heat stroke.

He also said that releasing a herd of mammothance into the Arctic could fight climate change by keeping the tundra from thawing. They will punch down the snow in the wintertime, allowing cold air to come in, Church explains. Okay. So what, what, woolly mammoths are going to stop global warming now? Geez, okay, let's bring them back and let them stomp the snow down. Maybe they'll make some woolly mammoths snow angels and stuff. So I don't know, I like this stuff.

very Jurassic Park. It's very, it would be fascinating to see a, you know, I'd rather see a full-blown woolly mammoth than a mammothant or whatever the hell it is. I don't really like that name Mamofant. It's just like, you know, that's kind of like, ah, you know, it's, it's a, yeah, it's, it's like an elephant with an eating disorder. It's hairy. It's like an Italian overweight elephant. Mammothant, you know? It's not a real woolly mammoth, but it's, you know, it's, just think of it as a fat, hairy Italian elephant, all right? Can we do that? All right. Mammothand. So there you go. There's your crazy news story. And what? Oh, whoa, whoa, okay. Here we go. It sounds like we've got our link to the White House. Is Donald Trump President Donald Trump? Oh my God. I'm kind of nervous. This is kind of nervous. I'm a little nervous. I've never talked to. to a president before.

Okay, wire them through. I'm ready to do this. I've got my questions lined up and everything. Oh, boy. Okay, here we go. We are now taking a call because it's President's Day, as I said earlier. We are connected to the White House, and we are talking to President Donald Trump. Hello, Mr. President, sir.

Hello, Holland. How are you? I'm very good sir I've got to be honest I'm a little nervous well don't be nervous okay just relax and I'm happy to talk to you thank you sir

there's so much to cover I'm just really excited that you took the time out to talk to us here at the Harland Highway well I love your podcast you do a great job it's a wonderful wonderful thing

thank you sir let's just jump right in here I want to talk to you about so much, your policies, your plans, and why don't we just start right out of the gate with ISIS? Oh, yeah, well, this is a terrible, terrible, terrible thing that's happening, and we've got to stop the hatred. It's spreading across the whole country. It's spreading around the world.

It's crazy. Yes, sir. Excuse me. Sorry, sir. It's spreading all around. And then this is why I got General Mad Dog Mattis to, uh, to, uh, you know, take care of this. Yes, sir. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Sorry, sir. I got, uh, general Mad Dog Mattis. And you know what? I think I'm changing his name. I think I'm changing his, you know what? Let's call him a mad dog. You know what, forget Mad, let's call him crazy fuck Maddus. How about that? Sir, are you allowed to do that? Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry, sir.

I was just responding to what you're saying. You know what? Let's take it one step for it. Let's got him. Mother fucking mad dog, crazy fuck Maddiss. How about that? Sir? Excuse me.

Excuse me. Sorry, sir. I was going along with what you're saying. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sir, if I might, how are you going to exactly knock out ISIS with mad dog? Crazy motherfucking mad dog, Mattis? Yes, sir.

Well, you know, I'm going to use the Mexicans. Excuse me, sir? Well, you know, I'm going to use the Mexicans. The Mexicans have been devaluing the United States. We don't win anymore. We don't win. And Mexican, the Mexico has been ripping us off for the last 25, 30 years. Sir?

Excuse me. Excuse me, though. I'm going to send the Mexicans over to take care of ISIS. That's how I'm going to do it. Sir, what do you mean you're just going to send the Mexicans? There's lots of Mexicans, and we're going to send them over, and you know what else? I just thought of this. Excuse me, excuse me.

I didn't even say anything, sir. I just thought of this right now. You know what? I'm going to, my daughter's having a birthday party. You know, I'm going to get to cater it, the Mexicans. Sir, you just can't put the Mexicans on everything. And tomorrow I'm going to have an omelet for breakfast. you know who's going to make it? The Mexicans.

Sir, that doesn't sound right. Excuse me. Excuse me. But back to ISIS, sir. We're going to send the Mexicans over. We're going to find their hide-outs, and we're going to build a wall around their headquarters. That's what we're going to do. We're going to build a wall that they won't be able to get out of, and they're just going to rot in the middle. Sir, that just sounds ridiculous.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Sir, I'm sorry. Now, what about anything else? Well, I mean, you've been all over the map with your policies, sir. I mean, I even saw a news article where you were talking about sending, you know, NASA back to the moon. Absolutely, absolutely. I've always wanted to get to the moon. Well, I know, is there a lot of, like, rich minerals and things up there?

No, excuse me, I've always wanted to golf on the moon. I've got Marilago, I've got golf courses in Scotland all over the world. I want to put a Trump golf course. was on the moon. You saw back in the 60s when those astronauts were up there hitting golf balls and all that, well, I want to do it. I'm Donald J. Trump, and if they can do it, I can do it. Sir, are you saying you want to spend tax dollars to go all the way back to the moon to golf? Excuse me, yes. Okay, I do. Okay, and how, who's going to build the golf course? The Mexicans. The Mexicans, of course, sir. Oh, my God.

Since we're talking about the Mexicans... Okay, please go ahead. Is this wall going to happen or what? Yes, I've got... The wall is going to happen. It's going to be a big, beautiful, wonderful, gorgeous wall. I might even cover it with icing, chocolate or vanilla. Just to my mother, I want it to be a delicious wall.

I might even put sprinkles on it. Let's hope Rosie O'Donnell isn't listening to your show, all right? We're just going to... Sir, that's a little unrealistic. Excuse me. Excuse me. I just don't know if everyone's behind this whole idea of the wall. Well, I've got a plan that's going to make the wall fun.

It's going to be an event. Everybody's going to want the wall. And how do you propose that, President Trump? Well, have you ever heard of this rock and roll band Pink Floyd? Yes, sir? Well, I'm in a Pink Floyd playing live for the whole country to go and see. Well, the Mexicans build the wall. What are you talking about, sir?

Listen to this. Listen, you know this song? It's all about building the wall. Sir, you're not going to have Pink Floyd down at the... Building the wall... Well, the... Excuse me, excuse me. Listen to the music.

Sir, please. Oh, excuse me, excuse me. Pink Floyd is not going to... going to be playing a live concert where the Mexicans build the wall. Well, you know what? I'm the fucking president and yes they are. And if I have to send mad dog fucking motherfucking Mattis down there to fucking kick some motherfucking ass, I'll do that too.

So excuse me, excuse me. Sir, this is just stop playing the Pink Floyd music. Excuse me. And another brick in the wall. Oh, get your picture. This is going to be beautiful. And the dishonest media. honest media will probably...

Sir, you're not having Pink Floyd play the wall. Will they Mexicans build the wall? I might build a wall around your fat mouth if you don't watch it. Excuse me. All right, I'm hanging up on the president of the United States. I can't believe it. Excuse me. What's your name?

Who are you? God. What the hell is wrong with that guy, man? Pink Floyd the Wall concert. Will the Mexican build a what a inconsistive insensitive is he gone thank god you cut him off i mean i made no secret that i'm a trump fan but did up whoa this was this was pushing it a little man i mean i was kind of hoping for a nice civil conversation a nice president's day you know and

some of that the dialogue coming out of his mouth I'm not I'm not down with it man building a golf course on the moon mother

pardon my French motherfucking mad fucker Mattis and the Pink Floyd concert come on ay yai jeez I think I'm just gonna leave leave it right there right there it you don't really recover you don't recover your podcast

after you have the president of the united states doing carrying on like that so let's just wrap it up i apologize just out of control yes let's let's do some announcements i want to Thanks, Spokane, Washington, just did the club up in Spokane this past weekend. What a great club. Had a blast. Thank you, everyone, in Spokane. All the pavement pounders up there. All you new people listening.

Welcome to the podcast. All you Spokanees, if that's what you're called. But just great people, great crowds, really fun, really nice, friendly people. I loved it, man. Thank you, thank you, Spokane, Washington. And the club owners, the staff, just real top-notch folk. And I'll tell you where else there's top-notch folk. How about Phoenix, Arizona, baby?

Uh-huh, that's right. Yours truly March 2nd through March 4th will be at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, Arizona. What a great club. What a great city. So get your tickets online at Harlan Williams.com for stand-up live in Phoenix, March 2nd of 4. It's coming up real quick. Harlem Williams.com go on the stand-up tour link, and you can click on there and buy your tickets right then and there. Unbelievable.

And then moving on into April, later on in April, April 30th to May 1st, you can, catch me down in uh or up in eerie pennsylvania man erie p a yeah check it out man um go on the website check it out you'll see the uh the link there buy your tickets in advance so you're not disappointed don't want you to miss out on all the hijinks um and it'll be a good time i promise oh look at that i'm yawning trump wore me out man god um what else can i tell you um don't forget if you want to call me you can call me and leave a voicemail i might put it on the show i love hearing from you guys 323 739 4330 323 739 4330 or you can write to me at harlem williams There's a contact link at the web page, the website.

Also, we have a store in there where you can buy some really fun goodies. We'll ship them out to you. And what else? You can download our app. We have an app for your cell phone. Just go into your cell phone and type in the Harlan Highway. Boom, you're in. Free of charge.

And you get the 50 latest episodes of the podcast. If you want to get the whole library, like $850 episodes, $20 a year, okay? That's the premium membership. You get the whole catalog, man, for $20. I don't know if anyone else offers that much content for so cheap. And then periodically, I drop in special premier member podcasts or interviews or stand-up comedy clips or just special things that the other listeners don't get. So 20 bucks a year, that's it.

Please join our premium content. Oh, my God. Wow. Excuse me, guys. It's not you, it's me. Believe me. I had a long weekend up in Spokane, Washington, man. And that's it for today.

Thank you for being here, everybody. Tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway, podcast. Let them enjoy the fun that you're enjoying. Don't be selfish. And we'll talk to you next time. Okay. And until then, chicken chameen, baby.