The Harland Highway - 849 - AUNT RUTHY scared the RUSSIANS are coming. Men's fashion. GYM losers!

Episode Date: March 6, 2017

AUNT RUTHY prepares for the Russian invasion. Fools at the gym. The sad state of men's fashion in the modern era. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do da-da-do. Welcome to the Harland Highway. I am the wolfman. No, I'm not. Hi, guys. How are you? It's Harland. Great to have you here today. What a show, what a show, what a show, what a show. I hope you're having fun wherever you may be. I'm going to talk today about something that just made me so sad. I'm going to talk about clothing for men in America. And I think that I'm going to talk about clothing for men in America. I think it might be going in a very strange direction. So check that out. I walked into a clothing store, and it was a little freaky. And then I'm going to be talking about the gym. There's a certain thing that happens when you go to a gym or join a gym, and I'm hoping I can steer you away from said thing, because it's stupid, it's humiliating, it's goofy,

and you don't need it. So hopefully it's a hot little gym tip. And then later in the show, I'm going to be talking about all this crap about the Russians and Trump and the Democrats and the Russians are coming and Russian espionage. And it's affecting everyone and so much so that my Aunt Ruthie calls in,

I guess she's scared of the Russians coming and she bought a machine gun and she left me a voicemail. And I don't know what's about to happen, but we're going to listen to it. Hold on. is the Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper.

Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-chic-chac-cha, chick-chic-a-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall-main, baby. I'm the creature from all the space. Please don't stop.

I got to feed an ugly face. magnificent performance. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Let's get physical, physical.

Yeah, let's get physical. Let's get your body talk. You're body talk. Let me hear you body talk. Yeah, let's get physical or not. How many of you wild cats do the gym scene? Do you do the gym? Do you go to the gym?

I encourage you to go to the gym. It's healthy. It's good. But one thing, when you go to the gym, this drives me nuts Because I try to get to the gym as much as I can You know, it's just good for you, man If you're not doing it, get up and do it Stop dilly-dallying, get up and do it

But don't do this If you're going to the gym and maybe you're joining for the first time Or you're going to a new gym Don't do this. It's just sad What happens is when you sign up at a new gym a lot of times they do this whole thing. Well, if you sign up, we give you a free workout with one of our instructors here. And, you know, they'll work out a plan for you.

And they'll get you started and don't do it. Oh, my God. So here's what happens. And I see it all the time. It's almost embarrassing. But you'll go to the gym to work out. And most people just go out and work out. on their own. They got it. They can handle the machines. They know how to run a treadmill.

It's not that difficult. But the newbies to the gym, and unfortunately, a lot of the times, this is what I've seen, it's heavier people, heavier guys, heavier girls that have, you know, they're carrying way too much weight. Sometimes it's just kind of, you know, regular-sized people but I'd say 80% of the time it's heavier people so that tells me maybe they haven't been to a gym or haven't been for a long time and they're there and they're like they want to get started and so what happens is they do these trainer sessions and the trainers prayed them around the gym doing the most ridiculous exercises you've ever seen you know like there'll be the area where all the uh the you know the the the the weights are

or the workout type machines, the Nautilus machines or whatever. And everyone else will just be going from machine to machine, doing their curls, doing their lifts, doing their reps, doing their sets. And then these trainers have these poor people like doing lunges. They'll be doing lunges all the way through and they'll have them carrying like weights on their head and they'll have them walking backwards and they'll have them doing like squatting jumps. It looks like they're playing leap frog. And then they'll put them on these

ridiculous machines. You know, there's this new one where it's big giant ropes, like the kind of ropes you'd see down at a dock, tying a ship to the dock. You know, the big thick ropes, they're as thick as a salami. And they're wiggling the ropes, and they'll have them, they'll have the big heavy medicine balls and they'll be throwing them at them and they'll They'll have them on the floor doing push-ups and sit-ups and crunch. I mean, they're really working their asses off. And the problem with it is, A, these people aren't in good enough shape. They look like they're about to die.

You know, for your first time at the gym, you shouldn't be, like, pushed to the point of, like, throwing up. It's probably better to gradually work up to more rigorous and vigorous exercise. but what happens is these people end up looking like buffoons because of the only ones in the gym doing all these crazy crab walks and leapfrog moves and cartwheels and jelly rolls and it's just it's embarrassing to watch them and I give them A for effort but they don't know they don't know that that's how it works the instructors are putting them through these these terrible maneuvers. And if you look around the gym, here's the telltale sign.

Nobody else in the gym is doing these stupid things. Nobody's doing lunge steps all the way through the gym. Nobody's running up and down the stairs 40 times as fast as they can. Nobody's balancing a 20-pound weight on their head and walking around like they're, you know, a biafran woman in the jungle with a basket on her head. it's ridiculous and on top of it these poor people look so exhausted they they look like they really don't want to be there they're just like oh my god and then you know these these

these instructors who are usually in good shape it's almost like they're kind of forcing their will their their physical fitness on these poor out-of-shaped slabs like well here's how you get to be like me do this and it's like they're not ready ready for that you moron like you know have them do three pushups three situps you know curl 15 pound dumbbells send them home and say next time we're gonna we're gonna you know raise it up a little bit but just a tip for those of you who go to the gym or thinking of going for the first time do not accept the invitation for a free workout consultation slash session with a so-called trainer, okay? And a lot of these people, I don't even think they are trainers.

I think they're just people that were looking for a job. And they're like, I can't find anything. I guess I'll work at the gym and be, you know, try and recruit. And so they get tasked with, you know, well, part of your job is you got to take the newbies on a, on their first day workout trial. And I have a feeling, you know, a lot of these so-called trainers don't really look like trainers to me. I was at one gym. I was visiting another city and it was bizarre this. The trainer was wearing dress shoes like loafer type shoes like the type of shoes

you'd wear to a wedding and he's standing there and they just stand there and watch a sweat and turn purple and bleed. So there you go. I don't know if this helps any of you who are thinking of going to a gym or have been offered the free session. but decline. You look like a moron. I don't think it helps you,

and nobody else in the gym are doing the stupid moves. Okay, there. A little tip from me to you. God bless you. Happy workout. Let's get animal. Animal.

Let's get into Burger King. Burger. No, let's get this. Oh, forget it. What does that even physical? Let me hear your body talk. Body talk. Let me eat body talk. What does that even mean?

Let me hear your body talk. Let's get physical. Let me hear your body talk. Is that farting? Is that what she's asking? I want to hear you fart? Like, how else does your body talk? I mean, you can talk out of your mouth.

I guess technically that's your body. But outside of that, like, hello, might want to watch what you ask for there, hottie. Man, I want to talk about this godforsaken Russian election Trump America bullshit. Good Lord. Are we not just wasting more of the people, we the people's time with this crap? Good Lord, man. Does anyone really think that the Russians influence the election? Really?

Just unbelievable, man. It's just, it's such a distraction. It's such a ploy. It's such an obvious ploy by the Democrats to try and disrupt and delegitimize President Trump's presidency. And whether you like Trump or not, He's just trying to get stuff done. He's just trying to get the engine running.

He's trying to, you know, get jobs and security and all this stuff motoring in America. And here's this, like, rushing this, Russian that. It just keeps going and going and going. And there's, it's just driving me nuts. And it's just creating a state of confusion. And now we're opening up more tribunal. and more undercover investigations and more special councils and more this, all this stuff, using up politicians' valuable time

where they could be working on roads and bridges and schools and education and health care. And it's just, this is why I hate the government on all sides. Because if the Democrats aren't doing it to the Republicans, the Republicans are doing it to the Democrats and they're just wasting our GD time on this crap because they're all so intent on crippling each other. They all want to cut each other's legs out from all this time

and not to mention money. Do you know how much of your hard-earned dollars Democrats and Republicans and independents listening? Do you know how much of your hard-earned dollars are going into all this BS? And it's not just the Russian thing. It's things that all of them do. It happened during Obama's thing.

There were investigations into Obama. There's investigations into the Republicans. There's investigations into this. Probably billions of dollars, hundreds of thousands of man hours spent. For what? At the end of the day, it all just seems so ridiculous, man. Unless there's something really, really hardcore and concrete and endangers all of our lives.

Get back to work, you morons. All of you. It's just, you know, it's such a sad state of affairs, man. I almost wonder if our whole system's going to collapse because if you're like me, whoever's listening, aren't you just fed up with all of it on both sides? Don't you just want your representatives to go into work every day, sit at their desk, and try to better your community,

better your environment, better your world, better your country. It's so disheartening to see. It really is. You know, I liken it to this. It's like the Republicans and the Democrats are like two parents who fucking hate each other. They're in the worst marriage ever, but they're staying together for the kids. And we're the kids, you know, me, you, and the rest of the constituents who make the population of this country.

We're all the children. And mom and dad stay together. They hate each other. And all they do is fight. And they're using us, the kids, as the pawns in their horrible marriage, their horrible divorce, whatever they're going through. And while they're busy fighting and trying to outdo each other and, you know, knock the other one down, we the kids are just sitting there at the breakfast table.

going um could i get my pancakes please mummy and daddy i'm starving you haven't fed me in 12 days i've been sitting here watching you with these ridiculous power struggles these fights these these uh you know these plays for dominance oh gosh it's just sickening hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland So you get your discount and a hundred percent free shipping Code Harland Have fun Don't throw your back out And this Russian thing is just causing everyone to get freaked out And paranoid

It's like, you know, when the Democrats thought they were going to win When they thought Hillary was the man They didn't give a crap about the Russians They didn't raise any crap about the Russians. Well, they did a little bit. But, you know, it wasn't that big a deal. But now that they lost, it's like, oh, the Russians, this, the Russians. Now everyone's starting to get freaked out about the Russians.

Roger tells me, did you say Aunt Ruthie left a message about the Russians? All right, well, I guess it's relevant, so we might as well play it. So even my dear Aunt Ruthie up in Rochester, New York, is starting to get freaked out by this Russian crap. You know what? Just play the message, Roger, and let's see what poor Aunt Ruthie's going through up there. Good Lord, Russians. Hello.

Hello. Oh, I hate using these machines. Hello, little Angel. Are you there? Oh, my good. Hello, Angel. It's Chavent Ruthie calling. How are you, Dahl?

Oh, my God. It's Chavent Brucie calling from Rochester, New York. How are you? Are you in the Hollywood? Are you up in there? Hollywood's making the television's little angel. Oh, you're so cute. I just want to run my fingers through your hair and feel your hair and my fingers like a little ball of moss on the end of a log. You're a cute little twinkle face. Anyways, Angel, listen, I called to see if you're okay.

I keep hearing on the news that the Russians are coming and that we're being infiltrated and they're spying on us and they're going to attack us again, and I'm so nervous. You know, they've got the nuclear missiles and the arsenals, and I think they even speak in other language over there, Angel. I'm not sure.

I think one of our neighbors down the streets, the Complutniks. I think they were right down off of Darwin Avenue and Quincy Boulevard. I remember they were... Every time I walked by the house

with your uncle Harry in his wheelchair, I could smell cabbage coming out of the house. I guess they were boiling soup or something. I remember your uncle Harry. You always say, oh, Ruthie, did you fart again? I mean, Jesus Christ, woman, wipe your ass.

And I was like, Harry, it's not me. It's the Capuntniks, the number 52 Quincy over there. He says, well, Jesus Christ, woman, it smells like, you know, some rotten gym socks climbed up your ass and, you know, laid some spoiled turtle eggs right in your colon. And I'm like, Harry, not so loud. You don't, you know, our neighbors could be listening. And he says, well, it's not my fault that you smell like an old garbage bag blowing down shit street.

And I'm like, Harry, please. So, anyways, Angel, I'm so nervous about these Russians coming. I went out and bought a machine guns. You know, there's a gun shop over on Main Street here. It's been there for 50 years. I think your uncle Harry knows the owner. Hang on, Harry, do you know the owner down at Davidson's gun shop? What?

Invera. Your uncle, oh, Chris. Thanks for nothing, Harry. Your uncle Harry is eating brownies, Angel. I made some delicious brownies for him this morning, and he's been eating them so much. It looks like his stomach's growing. It looks like he's, you know, pregnant with a baby water buffalo, for Christ's sake.

I mean, you know, I make brownies, so you eat, you know, a couple of days. You know, Uncle Harry just gobbles them down like a fucking alligator. at a roasted chicken festival, a Kenny Rogers' house or something, for Christ's sake. Anyhow, Angel, I bought this machine gun, and I'm just taking it out of the box because I know you know a lot about things. You know, guns. You live in California. You're where everybody shoots everyone. I hear even the children do drive-bys over there, for Christ's sake. My goodness. But anyhow, I'm just taking it out of the box, and I'm touching some of the buttons. Oh, my God. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, Christ. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It just went off, Angel. Oh, my God. The goddamn fucking machine gun just went off. Harry, are you okay? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I shot a fucking brownie right out of Harry's hand. Are you okay, Harry? Oh, my God. I think I shot the tip of one of his fingers off. Anyways, Angel, if you could call me. I'm so worried about the rush. And your uncle Harry wants me to board up the windows, for Christ's sake. So later I'm heading over to Home Depot or Depart. I don't even know how to say it.

I mean, where do people end the fucking spell these days? I'd say, is it Home Depot or is it Home Depot? I don't know, Lange. Maybe you can tell me, speaking of, you know, boarding up the windows. Do you remember when you were a little boy angel? And your uncle Harry built you a tree house? Do you remember that? And you were sitting up there

and you fell asleep, do you remember? And an owl flew down and built a nest all over your fucking feckled face? Oh, my God. I remember you fell out of the tree and you stood up and your uncle Harry thought you were the swamp thing or something. You had a fucking owl's nest on your face.

And it was like, we were screaming and Uncle Harry threw a rock at your head. Do you remember? Oh, my God. We had you at the hospital. you know, the doctor was, he said, I think his child has owl fleas, whatever the

fuck owl fleas are, but, you know, they peeled the owl nest off your little feckled face, and you, you know, you looked like, you know, looked like, you know, Rosie O'Donnell had sat on a blueberry muffin and, you know, farted on it. It was just like your face,

your face was a your face was a mess, child. Anyhow, Angel, listed, Angel. I got, look, this machine, oh, my God, oh, Christ, oh, there it goes again. Oh, my God, oh, Christ, they just shot my fucking foot. Jesus Christ, those fucking Russians. I just put a fucking M-29 bullet to my foot, Angel. Oh, and that's not easy.

I'm wearing corks shoes, my orthopedic corks shoes, because I walk like a crab on Sundays. Oh, God, there's a hole in my foot. I look like Jesus' foot after they nailed them to the cross, I'm guessing. Good Lord. Oh, my God. I better go, Angel, but thank you for your help. If you get a chance, please call us, okay, and see if you can help us with the machine gun, okay?

We love you, Angel. You're Aunt Ruthie and Uncle Harry. We love you. Oh, you're so cute. Goodbye, be, Angel. Oh, my God. Fuck me. Seven ways to Friday.

Oh, my, oh, shit, I just shot out the fucking television screen. Are you okay, Harry? Oh, Christ, they just shot Harry's knob off. Oh, my God, Harry! I'm not your daddy. Okay, time for a little reality check, ladies and journal blurgens. Um, this, this, I think this kind of makes my heart sad. that this kind of hurts, this one kind of hurts, but, you know, I'm getting a little worried

about the state of masculinity in society, and, uh, case in point, I was out shopping the other day and I walked into a, into a clothing store, um, I walked into this place called urban outfitters, you know, when you walk around, I'm a dude, I'm looking for dude clothes, and I walked into this place and, you know, it was all girls stuff downstairs, okay? The downstairs floor, and I was like, oh, the guy's stuff's upstairs. So I go upstairs and I walk up and it's this big, like, upstairs area and I see like folded clothes sitting on the tables and I see folded, I see shirts and pants hanging on the on the racks and I see jackets. And I'm looking around and I'm like, oh, there must be a girl's section up here too. And I look around and I'm seeing like, I'm seeing like jean jackets with flowers on them, roses.

I'm seeing I'm seeing turquoise pants. I'm seeing pink pants. I'm seeing pastel yellow shirts. I'm seeing all this stuff. And I swear to God, like totally innocently, I walked up to the girl. I said, oh, where's the guy's section? She goes, you're in it. And I go, no, no, these are the girls' clothes.

I said, I want to see the guy's stuff. She goes, this is the guy's stuff. And I'm like, what? And I start walking around, and I look around up there, and I'm looking at the cool jean jackets with the flowers on them. And I'm looking at these pants and shirts, and I'm like, what the hell? This is what guys are wearing now? My whole heart just run, good Lord, what the hell is happening, man?

How emasculated is this country becoming? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with people and guys wearing, you know, lighter colors or pastels. But when almost the whole selection, it was, I'm not kidding, it was almost everything up there. And so I just, I had to ask because it was good. Girls working in the guy's section, which I guess is okay, but you'd think there'd be at least one guy up there. And I was like, there's no way that girls can be digging a dude when you're out on the street, when you're out cruising the bars.

Are girls these days looking for a guy in pink long pants and a jean jacket with flowers and yellow loafers? And I was just like, I couldn't, I refused to believe it. So I asked the girls. I talked to the girls while I was there and listened to this exchange. It almost blew my mind. Man, there is a lot of pinks and castel purples up here. It's new for spring.

Should guys be wearing those colors, do you think? I think so. Why not? It doesn't bug you guys? No, do you like it? I like a lot of the men's clothing. I like more than the moon's clothes. Honestly. Really?

Yeah. So wait a minute. You were walking down the street with your boyfriend and he was wearing purple pants and a turquoise top and you feel secure? Yeah. I'd appreciate that he, like, tried to wear whatever he wanted. Okay. Interesting.

What about you? I mean, purple pants and a turquoise top. I might feel like maybe we tone it down on one of the colors, but definitely like... Okay. Okay. I'm about it. I'm older, so I'm trying to get used to. Trying to get used to this.

I came up here, I thought this was the girls' sex. It was like a jean jacket with roses on it. When we first got it and I thought it was fun. Yeah, right? Are a lot of guys buying that? Yeah, actually, we sold two. I rang up two guys yesterday with them. Really?

A jean jacket with roses. And there's a butterfly on the back. Come on, show me. I got to, what? There's little squirpians, too, or like spider. Oh, I guess I got a little. The moth and some hornets, but more, a lot more roses. It's different.

Yeah, the times are a changing, aren't they? Remember when guys used to wear hell's angels on the back of their chat? Now it's like butterflies and roses. Exactly. Oh, boy. All right. We all have to adjust, right? Exactly.

All righty, thanks, girls. You're welcome. Appreciate it. Wow. So not only roses all over the jean june jane jails. But on the back, butterflies, you know, maybe some cinnamon muffins for shoulder pads and, you know, maybe some, man, I just, I'm sorry, guys, but it's just, this is not masculine stuff. And I got to be honest, you know, it shocked me when these girls had two reactions. It shocked me when I asked her,

would you be cool if your boyfriend was walking down the street with you and purple pants? Would you feel secure? And she was like, oh, yeah, absolutely. I think, you know, I'd respect him for choosing. And I was like, okay, that was a cool answer. That, you know, I guess you got to respect the person you're with for choosing. And maybe it takes more of a man to wear something bold and kind of more.

feminine than masculine. That's one argument. I'm not going to buy into that one. Sorry. I mean, you know, that may be your choice, but I just don't buy it. And then here's the other part. When I asked her if she'd be, you know, cool with her boyfriend wearing that stuff, it was interesting.

It was a little bit of that whole, and this is just my interpretation, but it's a little bit of that whole kind of. you know, all-inclusive accepting, you know, there's no barriers or bars between anything anymore. She kind of had this look in her eye, and this is just how I perceived her body language. This look came over her face that to me felt like she was kind of saying, well, this is the answer I'm supposed to give. and she also had this kind of look like I know I'm bullshitting right now

but I think this is the right answer I think this is what I need to say I think this is what society wants me to say this is just me I didn't feel like her answer was 100% real I almost it almost like I could see the wheels turning in her head

when I asked her would you feel secure your boyfriend wore like purple and yellow walking down the street with you. It's almost like I saw the wheels turning and going, oh, what am I supposed to say here? What's the accepted answer so that I'm not chastised by society? Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm just reading it wrong. Maybe she does want a boyfriend in yellow and purple.

I don't know. But something about the way she answered the tone in her voice, the look in her eyes. It almost felt like she was struggling to find what was right. And I don't know if she knew what she wanted. But that's just me being very interpretive. So, again, I don't know. But it wasn't a super convincing strong answer like that, you know, I don't know.

Am I just old? Am I just out of touch? Am I, I got to tell you, when I was a younger kid, I had a pair of pink shorts. I had a yellow shirt. I had a turquoise top. I would wear them from time to time. You know?

I think every dude has a softer side inside of them that they like to put on display now and then. Or maybe they're tough and they think, oh, well, if I wear something like, you know, totally counter to what I am, it'll make me seem cool. Like, I'm a tough dude with a turquoise shirt, bro. but I don't know, I guess, you know, when I was growing up,

you kind of had to look around for that stuff. And I guess what weirded me out is the clothing choices in this store where I was was predominantly, you know, more softer, effeminate type clothing. So I don't know, man. I just don't know what. My mind's spinning. I don't know what to think. know what's up. I don't know what's down.

I mean, if you're a woman, and I'm just going to throw this out there, if you're a woman and you're walking down the street with your boyfriend, and all of a sudden you get into trouble, some tough dudes show up, are they going to take seriously your boyfriend who's standing there in purple pants, a yellow shirt, and a jean jacket with flowers and Butterflies on it? That's what I'm asking. If I was a girl, I don't know if that would make me feel safe. So I don't know, man.

I'm just throwing it out there. What the hell's going on? Remember Hell's Angels? These guys would have these leather bike jackets with skulls on the back. and dudes used to wear black leather jackets and blue jeans and work boots and plaid shirts and ripped t-shirts with the arms cut off and I don't know what's happening. Yes, I'd like the jacket with the butterflies, please.

And let me see, what type of flowers would I like on there? Do you have sunflowers? And could you have one of the butterflies on the sunflower, you know, just in case I join a gang or something? And if it's possible, could you put some butter dollops on my purple pants? Yeah, just some butter dollops and maybe some kitten faces. And right around the ankles, maybe some little tiny pom-poms. Thank you so much. Thank you.

I don't know. Oh, well, it is what it is. The human species is evolving to what? I'm not sure. I'll leave that for you guys to ponder. If you have any comments, thoughts, if you want to elaborate, add on, you can call me 323-739-43-30,

3-2-3-739-43-30. You can comment about anything. you want. Yeah. Also, I want to mention, oh my God, our new album, the pre-order for our new album, me and my cousin, my cousin Kevin Hearn, we have put out a new musical release called Rattlesnake Love, and we are super excited about it. The full album is released on March 17th, So that's coming up, but we have a pre-order thing going on. If you get it right now, you get the whole album for cheaper. It's kind of like a pre-order bonus signing thing.

And you can go into iTunes and look for that. I'm going to be posting the link on our website, the cousins band.com. If you want to go on there and learn more about our band, our sound, you can actually listen to our title song, Rattlesnake Love. You can listen to that for free. And when you go on to the pre-order page at iTunes, you can actually listen to all of our songs.

I think we have 11 or 12 songs available on our new album, Rattlesnake Love. So we're super stoked. And I'm going to be doing a podcast with Kevin coming up real soon and we're going to talk about the whole album and our musical process and we might even sing for you. It's going to be a lot of fun. So that's coming up in the next few podcasts, me and my cousin, talking about our new release, Rattle Snake Love.

Also, let's talk about the comedy, the stand-up comedy, baby. Let's see, when's my next gig? I think it's the end of March. That's right. I think it's April, let's see, no, March 30th through April 1st, up in Erie, Pennsylvania. It'll be it Uncle Funnies. And Erie, I think it's called Uncle Funnies.

Check my website. I might be getting that name wrong. It's my first time to the club, so forgive me. I forget the name. But here it's a great club. I've never been. Erie, Pennsylvania, right on the shores of Fabulous Lake Erie. We can go fishing for carp if you're so inclined.

We can wear our yellow pants and our flowery, blue jean jackets and catch carp. Slap them in the face and then release them. Yeah, so check that out. I'll be Erie, Pennsylvania, March 30th through April 1st. And then the following week, I'll be in Virginia Beach. Oh, yeah. Virginia Beach.

That'll be April 7 through 9. That's the Funny Bone in April in April. and that's in Virginia Beach. And then two weeks later, I'll be at the big Indian casino in Connecticut at comics with an X on the end of it. That'll be April 20th through the 22nd. So some really great clubs coming up.

Super excited. Go to Harlow Williams.com. Click on my stand-up comedy link. And you can buy your tickets right there on the page, players. And what else? Please get our app. Get our beautiful Harland Highway app. It's available in your app store. You just type in the Harlan Highway and boom, you get it for free. You get the 50 latest episodes of the Harland Highway. And then for $20 a year, you can become a premium member. And you get the whole catalog of every episode we've ever done, which is almost 8.5.

Or actually, I think we're coming up on 850. So there is hours and hours of entertainment for you there. It's a lot cheaper. You know, going to a movie costs you $15. So for $5 more, well, if you buy snacks, a movie probably costs you $25. And you're just in and out in two hours. Okay, for $20, you get $850 episodes of the Harlan Highway podcast. and each episode runs between, you know, 40 minutes, 30 minutes to an hour.

So that's a lot of entertainment for $20. Plus, I do extra bonus stuff throughout the year. I drop in extra interviews, extra stand-up comedy bits, yada, yada, yada. So it's a great deal, and it helps us out over here. And all of you that have joined, thank you so much. And for those of you that are thinking of it, please join it. I think you like it, 20 bucks a year. Also, check out our store at harloweems.com.

We got great t-shirts, books, music, all kinds of cool stuff. If you go to my books page, you can actually download my short story, the Garden Hose Time Machine. It's so amazing. I met some wonderful people. I just did a show in Phoenix, Arizona this past weekend, that Stand Up Live, Great Club. and two of the pavement pounders came up after the show to talk to me. It was a man and I think it was his wife. And they were going nuts about the garden host time machine short story that I read on the podcast a few months back.

And the gentleman I was talking to, a really nice guy. They were both great. He said the story moved him to tears. He said he was crying while listening to the story. And that really moved me because, you know, that's the power of words. And I just love it that, you know, I was able to write something that stirred someone's emotions. And I think you'll enjoy it. It's $4.

If you go to my book's link on my website, you can download the audio version for $4 and listen to it at your leisure. And hopefully it'll move you the way it moved these people who really loved it. and I want to thank them if they're listening for saying hello after the show and talking to me and telling me their thoughts about my podcast and my stand-up show and the garden host time machine. They even yelled it out in the middle of the show. It totally caught me off guard, but I loved it. I was like, oh, cool.

There's people that dig my short story. So I promised them I'm going to do some more. And hopefully I'll have another one up for you guys. soon. And hopefully you'll dig it, baby. So there you go. That's it. Like I said, you can call me 323-739-43330. That number is at the website at harlomwilliams.com. If you can't remember it. Also, you can write me at harlewilums.com on the contact link. And also, don't forget, check out the cousins band.com. And you can learn all about our new music album. And we've been getting some really good feedback on it so far. So I hope you guys enjoy that. Okay, that's it for today. I'm going to go

get my purple pants on and my powder blue shirt and my dandelion gene jacket and I'm going to go out and skip. I'm just going to skip down the street and hopefully I bump into some, you know, gang members and if I do, I'm going to slap the bitches. All right, that's it for today. Thank you. for calling in Aunt Ruthie. I hope you're okay. And until next time, everybody, chicken chowmaine. Baby, watch out for those Russians. Harry just gobbled them down like a

fucking alligator at a roasted chicken festival at Kenny Rogers' house or something for Christ's sake.