The Harland Highway - 852 - KRINKY McKRINGLES for St. Patty's day. NEW rock album from Harland

Episode Date: March 16, 2017

KRINKY McKRINGLES visits studio for St. Patty's day. NEW rock album from Harland. Question of the day. Listener phone calls. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, welcome to the Hurlund Highway, don't you know? It's St. Patty's Day. How are you, folks? A special shout out to all my Irish friends, all the Irish folks out there. Happy St. Patrick's Day. What a delight. Well, it's actually tomorrow, but we start celebrating today. Because I don't do a podcast on Friday.

So happy St. Patty's Day a bit early. We're going to be talking about St. Patty's Day. We've got, unfortunately, Crinky McRingles is coming by, the Irish Leprecon. I just, I've already got a migraine thinking about it, his annoying voice. God, I hope he comes and goes quickly. Also, we're going to be taking some of your phone calls. We have one kind of semi-positive, semi-negative phone call, followed by a really positive phone call. So you'll hear a bit of the yin and the yang from our pavement pounders today.

Also, the Harland Highway Question of the Day involves something to do with your mouth that really tastes yucky. And then tomorrow, of course, on St. Patty's Day, the cousins, my band that I do with my cousins, with my cousin Kevin, we are releasing our album Rattlesnake Love, and we're going to play you another sample song at the end of the show. So here we go. It's the Harland. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway.

No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-chic-chac-cha, chick-chic-a-choo-main, baby. And the creature from all the space. Please don't stop. I got to feed an ugly face. magnificent performance.

This is the Harlan Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Hello. Hello? Hey, Holland.

Hey, you listen. You listen, leave it your own words. Listen. If you like me, whatever's listening, are you just fed up for a moment? Yeah. Yeah, we set up, Holland, just like you stay. You're a comedian, Holland. You don't need no political commentator.

And also, you know, you know, you know physical trainer. You're talking on that podcast about people do a push-up, do a three push-up, then do a three sit-up, and then do another. And then maybe next time, do more? Well, you're a personal trader, Holland? No, you're a comedian, man. Stick with like a 10-5 Timmy. Yeah, yeah. Cinnamon Boy, Charlie.

I like Charlie Muglo. Hey, hey, that's Charlie, he good. You know, you stick with that stuff, Holland. Dr. Debbie Tymer. I love both Debbie Timer. You don't stick with that, Harlan. Get back some of those old character. You had done those in a long time.

You had those Cinnamon Boy, and you know who coming up, I sure hope that Crinking McRingle Come back on the next few days It's getting pretty close to his time to be around All right, Harlan, I just give you a peace of my mind I like what you do, I love you, I think you're great Even though you talk about the political stuff on time That's okay too, I guess

But you're funny, you're funny man I like that stuff better All right, Harlan, chicken chameh Oh see, isn't that nice That's what's so fun about this podcast I have such a diverse, multicultural audience. I mean, clearly a young Asian gentleman called in to leave me a message. And that's nice to hear that I have Asian listeners.

Except for this one moment in his message when he sounded almost like maybe he was African American. Colin? No, you're a comedian, man. Or maybe he was just an Asian guy, because clearly he's Asian, right? I mean, duh, that's an Asian guy. And maybe it was just an Asian guy slipping into like an African-American slang, you know, or just, you know, accent or whatever you want to call it. You know, vernacular or I don't even know the words, man, but. Yeah, it must have been that. For sure, this guy's Asian, right?

No, you're a comedian, man. Yeah, yeah, and you're Chinese, man. Three, four. Anyways, thanks for the call. And, you know, like I've said, people, some people don't like when I talk about politics. What's new? And this listener, this Chinese fella, wants me to stick to the characters, which I do. I try to put a character in every show just about, or every other show.

And you named some good ones, you know, Campfire Timmy, Dr. Tebby, Timmer, Charlie Lee. I mean, so many. And just so, you know, no, Crinky McRingles had better not show up here. Roger? I know it's St. Patrick's Day coming up. What is it? Tomorrow? Yeah, I do not want that crinky McRingles Irish Leprocon freak

Anywhere near this studio He shows up every year And I can promise you that idiot will not be around Probably the most annoying You know, it's interesting You didn't think anyone could be more annoying than Cinnamon Boy Or Campfire Timmy But along comes this Irish lepricon freak

and no way. Crinky mcringles ain't making a play here today. But anyways, our Chinese friend alluded to, I think I did a podcast about physical fitness and going to the gym and getting in shape. And this guy's like, this guy's like, what are you, Holland? A physical trainer now?

You stick to comedy. It's like, man, can I suggest a little, a little physical fitness routine to help people? Good night, Nellie Frittato. In fact, I think we have a voicemail from a guy who actually benefited from my podcast about going to the gym and working out. Did you have that message, Roger? Yeah, play it.

Harland, I did it. I did the Abbott Challenge. I created a New Year's resolution for myself. and thanks to your inspiration and yeah i made over six weeks by now so definitely a good thing i'm feeling good better than ever and definitely going to keep it this way and thanks to you man thank you thank you thank you i feel great just in the past six weeks i probably lost 10 pounds that I needed to, but I also gained some muscle. I feel good, man.

So thank you. Also, thank you for the less, and keep inspiring. Chicken chalmate. Wow. See, how about that, man? How about that? I feel great that I inspired this gentleman to go to the gym. He took my challenge that I did on my podcast way back when I outlined an exercise program.

And I suggested, you know, after 10, 10, or after six weeks, you'd probably lose a minimum of 10 pounds. And this guy did. And listen to him. He feels great. He feels inspired. He feels healthy. And you're telling me that I can't, you know, talk about physical fitness, my little Chinese friend. And also, you know, you know, you know, you know physical trainer.

You're talking on that podcast about people do a push-up, do a three push-up, then do a three sit-up, and then do another, and then maybe next time, do more. What, you're a personal trader, Holland? No, you're a comedian, man. Okay, my little Asian, African-American buddy. Tell that to the guy that followed my plan and lost 10 pounds and is feeling great. In fact, maybe you, my little Chinese African-American friend. should put your money where your mouth is and maybe you should go to the gym for six weeks

and see if I can prove you wrong. Why don't you go back, listen to my podcast about going to the gym and take the advice, go to the gym, and see I'm willing to put money on it that if you follow what I'm talking about on there, you too will lose 10 pounds in six weeks, maybe even more. how about that you got the balls to do that mr call me out mr phone call message guy chinese african american guy i actually love that phone call i love i love it when the it's just such a bad it's just such a bad i have to apologize if there's any

asian people listening they're probably like whoa what the fuck dude why he talk like that it's just like so bad But it's funny and it's silly. But seriously, man, you know, go back and listen to the podcast about working out. Maybe you should try it. It can't hurt, you know? Like I said, I'm not a doctor, but you can listen to it as a guideline and see what happens. It worked for this fella.

So keep on calling, man. 323-739, 43330. And again, to the wonderful gentleman who's working out and feeling good and lost away. Congratulations, man. I'm so glad that you're feeling it, that you're making the commitment. You should be very proud of yourself. You should have a great sense of accomplishment. And it's addictive.

I'm sure you're feeling it. It's like, once you kind of keep doing it and get over that hump, you're kind of like, man, this is good. This is good for my body, my soul, my mind. you'll sleep better, your sex drive is better, your stamina is better, your clarity is better. I mean, following a good workout routine is really a healthy thing. So congratulations to you. Keep it up, my friend.

Keep going. Lose another 10 pounds. And I salute you, sir. Now, let's get on to what? No, no, Roger, what did I tell you? I don't care if it's St. Patrick's Day. There's no way you're letting him in this studio. Yeah, I know he's magic, because he's a leprechaun.

Are you telling me he's just going to magically appear? Are the doors locked? No, he can't just appear through walls. He, oh my God. Oh, my, what the heck? Oh, Christ! Well, shiver me timbers, flarkty-darkty-dark-de-flarkty, blarkty-d-dark-ty. Crinky McRingles!

That's my name, Crinky McRingles, the magical Irish leprechaun. Here for St. Patty's Day, don't you know? Crinkledy McRingles, they call me. Crinky McRingles. Crinkly, Crink, McRink. What the hell? What are you doing here? God, here we go. Crinky McRingles. Aye, that's my name. Shiver me timbers. Flarkty dark. Snorkel de darky. Flarkty darky. Flarkty darky. Oh, God. St. Patty's Day. Did you just float through a wall or something, McRingles?

I surely, surely, surely, surely did. I crinkled through the walls like a magical, mystical leprechaun that I am. Shiver me timms, dirpledy blorp, schlumblety blum, and blimblety blop. You know what, I don't even know what the hell. You might as well be speaking Chinese, cringles. Well, maybe I will shiver me tim, timbledy dim, timblety dim, blumbledy, blimbledy, glimblety glim. Would you knock it off? What the hell are you doing here, crinky?

Well, it's me special day, don't you know? Shiver me Timms? It's St. Patty's Day, don't you know? I always come every year and celebrate the greenness of the Emerald Isle. Oh, gee. You know, did you ever stop to think that maybe Irish people are embarrassed by you? Oh, shiver me timbers. You should be embarrassed of your fucking fat face, you shimmer me blimms.

I don't have a fat face, and by the way, I'm part Irish. Well, I hope it's not your face because you'd be the ugliest Irish ass, this side of flimmerty dim, globby globbedum glim. That didn't even mean it. What do you want here? Well, it's time to spread the green around, isn't it shivered be tim. Would you stop saying shiver me timms? That's like pirate talk.

It's not even Irish. Oh, you're going to tell me what's Irish, are you now? Well, may a hot bowl of cocoa drift down from the cocoa clouds and shimmer your blim face. What are you doing? I'm bringing some green into your studio, your dark, dingy studio. Looks like the inside. of a mountain goat's butt. My studio does not look like the inside

of a mountain goat's butt, and what do you mean you're spreading green? I brought a friend with me today. A green little friend. He's all Irish and green. What? Who? What? Hey man, how's it going? Who the hell is this?

Oh, you might recognize him from television. Yeah, I do a lot of TV, man. What, I don't reckon... What is this thing? Well, I'm sure you've seen the Mucinex commercials, haven't you? Mucinex. That's right, with the little green Snot Goblin. Snot Goblin?

Aye, he wanders around in the commercials, the Mucinex, Snot Goblin. Green is some fresh Irish clover. After a nice spring shower over Dublin, don't you know? Shiverty Flins, globbardy glins, sclarklarkly glark! Stop it! Are you telling me you brought in the Mucinex snot goblin because he's green? Well, of course, I wouldn't be bringing him in if he was purple, don't you know? Unbelievable.

So I got a walking giant booger guy. His name is Snottie McPumpkin Tits. Snoddy McPumpkin Tits. Well, he's got to have a name, doesn't he? Slark de bork, sluggledy glark. So you named him Snoddy McPumpkin Tats. Shiver me timbers, I certainly did. What the hell?

So, what does he do here? He just stands around? Hey, man, you know, I was wondering if maybe I could stick up under your desk. What do you mean stick up under my desk? Well, he's a bison. He's a snot goblin. don't you know? You know, you got to put a snout goblin

where the boogers go, like under your desk. Let me take a look. Oh, looks like you've got a nice collection of them under here. Shiver me timbers, gobbledy glarkins. Stop looking under my desk. Well, it looks like you've been sticking a bunch of your boogers under here now, Shirkledy Glark. That wasn't me.

It was probably the janitor. Oh, this one's got a nice big plump hair in it. Don't you know. Gorkly glark. Slimmily glark. Snarkly, glockly glark. Stop it. The snot goblin is not climbing up under my desk.

With the rest of your boogers? They're not my boogers. Now you're not putting your snot gov. Get them out of here. He's got a name, you know. It's boogers macpumpkin tits. I'm not calling him boogers macpumpkin tits. Get out.

Shiver me timbers. Maybe he could, you know, fling on to the back of your head or something. He's not going to fling on the back of my head. Maybe he could make some mucus noises. Would you mind giving us some mucus noises, snotty McPuncton tits? Yeah, okay, dude, I guess so. Ah, ha, ha, ah.

Stop, stop, stop, stop. Get the hell out of here. Take Snoddy Mc Pumpkin Titch, your green goobly, snot-goblin friend. Unbelievable. Shiver me timbers, glark-de-flark. Snorkelty-flark-de-flark. Out, out, out, crinky m'crinkles,

and don't come back. Well, maybe we'll go stick to the side of a refrigerator down in the cafeteria, shiver me timbs. Good, get out. Out! Slark-dy-darkty-flarkty-nork, shiver me timbers, glorg. Shut up! Get out!

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adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Not only do I get Crinky McRingles.

He brings the Musinex guy Snot Goblin in here because he's green for St. Paddy's Day. That was disgusting. And those aren't my boogers under the desk. I don't know how those got there.

Go to a Play a crazy news story. Do something. Let's get out of this. God, I need to have a coffee. Roll something. The Harland Highway. Question of the day.

Okay, good. Anything to get my mind off of that little Irish mutant. Oh, God. But by the way, before I get into the question of the day, happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody. I hope you have a great one. I hope you celebrate. the traditions of the Irish culture and everything that St. Paddy's Day brings, have fun,

be safe. As a guy who's half Irish, the day has a lot of meaning to me. I love it. I love celebrating it. I love being Irish. I just love being Irish. But I do not love Crinky McRingles. Anyways, the question, let's get to the question of the day.

So happy St. Paddy's Day to all of you, and especially if you're Irish, happy St. Patty's Day. Question of the day is, when was the last time you licked an envelope? Ugh, God. You know, we live in an age of emails and electronic scanning, and more and more and more, we have less need for actual physical mail. I mean, we all still do put letters in the mailbox, but you know, it seems like

every year it's getting less and less and less, which is a good thing because you know, it means less paper is being generated. And less paper means less foresting, foresting, and less tree harvesting and it's good for the environment, blah, blah, blah, which I love.

But the downside to mailing an envelope is you have to still lick the back of that damn envelope. Some of them are good. Some of them have a peel-off sticker. But some envelopes still have the

medieval antiquated system of licking this this like sickly brown strip. It looks like nicotine. It's just that you've seen it. The brown strip or the clear strip glistening.

I don't even know what that stuff's made of. But the guys at the envelope company are like, all right, let's slap some toxic glue on the back of these envelopes. And let's see if we can get consumers to lick them. And it's not just like a little lick. It's a long-ass lick, depending on the size of your envelope. Right?

It's like if you use a standard envelope, That's two sides to the flap where the licky thing is. I don't even know what it's called. We'll call it the licky thing. And, you know, it's like a long, like, it's almost like it's like a starting gate and a finish line. You put your tongue at one in and you're just like, you run your tongue along for about like nine inches. I mean, I don't even think people lick that much when they're having sex.

It's a lot of licking. And then if you've got a bigger envelope, it's like 12 inches of, it's like a big long lick. At no other point during your life do you use your tongue for such activity? You can lick a lollipop, you can lick an ice cream, you can lick your lover's skin. but those are usually fast, repetitive, you know, in-and-out licks. Think, is there anywhere else in life where you put your tongue down on something and run it along for like 10 seconds?

No. And then for your tongue work, your reward is a sickly, horrible, yucky taste in your mouth. almost instantaneously, and then it lingers there. It just stays in your tongue. It gets in your pores, gets in your taste buds. And it's just like, oh, God, did I just drink some sour milk? Did I just eat some horrible, like, German cheese?

What the? You got like envelope mouth, right? And it's the worst. Your mouth is dry, and your, you're, You got this envelope glue? Since when do we lick glue? Excuse me, honey, would you come over and lick this glue for me, please? Thank you.

When do we lick glue? When do we lick anything? So it's just a weird, weird thing. And so my question is, when was the last time you licked an envelope? Because I had to do it the other day. And if you don't have a drink candy, if you don't have a Coke or a glass of juice or some bottled water, you're doomed, man. You're just walking around with this horrible taste in your mouth and your breath stink.

People are like, excuse me, Jim, do you have gingivitis or halitosis or both? Because you smell like a dirty post office in Minnesota. Yeah, man, I just licked a couple envelopes. Oh, could you turn away when you say that? please I think you just melted my eyebrows ugh it's gross so there it is there's the harland highway question of the day when was the last time

you lick an envelope yuck the harland highway question of the day okay before we go before I let you go I want to remind you you know the last podcast I did was all about you know talking about our new our new records me and my cousin Kevin, and I don't want to hammer it over the head anymore, but I'm going to give you a little teaser. Maybe it encourages you to go out and get a song or maybe even get the whole album.

But I'm going to play a little snippet of one of our other songs. This is a song that we wrote called Broken Angel, and it's kind of a story based on a girl that I knew who came to Los Angeles, full of dreams, like a lot of girls come. And she kind of got sucked into the sex trade, and it was just kind of, you know, I felt like her innocence got pulled away, and she wanted to be one thing, and she got, you know, pulled in another direction. And it's a common thing here in L.A. and in any big city, sometimes even in big towns. And it's not just girls, it's boys, you know, people who kind of who show up all bright-eyed and, bushy-tailed and kind of the corruptness of society gets its hooks into you

and takes you in a completely different angels, different direction. So this is a little snippet of a song kind of based on that, and it's called Broken Angel and just a few minutes of it. And it's one of our songs featured on our new album, The Cousins Rattlesnake Love, that just went live in iTunes today. So hopefully you'll get over there and pick it up and enjoy all the, I think we have 10 songs on the whole album. So here it is.

A little snippet of Broken Angel by the Cousins off of Rattlesnake Love. She's a little angel with a broken wing. Broken little angel. rest is saying steer at your reflection puddle on the ground all out of redemption sold out in this town come inside my arms now and i will keep you safe take the knives and arrows the lost look on your face Can't you hear me calling Can't you let me in

I'm begging you to save you You could start again Come on little angel Standing at the rain Woken little angel the world is okay She's a little angel Yeah, there it is, a little snippet of broken angel.

You know, we don't want to play you the whole song Because, you know, we want you to go get it. We want you to listen to it. We want you to enjoy it. Hopefully you'll dig it. But just a little reminder of the album, like I said, I think we have 10 songs on there, and they really run the gamut.

We have songs that are like really slow, like love songs. We have poppy songs like this. We have a techno rave song. We have a, you know, just a nutty sci-fi song. We have like a beach boy. type song. It's just like me and my cousin Kevin, who make up the cousins band.

We just went for all kinds of different styles and genres of music on the Rattlesnake Love album. So, hope you like it. If you do happen to pick it up, no pressure, but if you do happen to pick it up, we'd love to hear your feedback. See if you love it, hate it, somewhere

in between. Maybe you have a song you like more than others. Maybe you have a favorite. Maybe I don't know. This is our first release of our music on any real professional level. So we're excited, man. I hope people like it. I might not be excited two weeks from now,

and it's like, yeah, we don't really like it, dude. But who knows? That's art, right? You put it out there. But let us know, 323-739, 43330. Or you can go to our website, the cousinsband.com, and you can write us there.

We have a contact link where you can write us and let us know what you think about the music. We're also starting a petition, an online petition that you can find on my Twitter and Instagram feed to see if there's any cities around North America that want the cousins to come and play live. So we're going to kind of see what kind of feedback we get and probably based on the biggest reaction. I don't know if the plan might be, we'll end up in that city and do a live cousin show, which could be a blast. So yeah, let us know 323739-43330 or you can write me at harlandwiliams.com

if you want to get to me through there. The phone number that I just gave you is also at harlandwilms.com. And if you don't want to leave me a message about the music, you can leave it about anything else. like our Chinese, African-American friend at the beginning. I'm calling it. No, you're a comedian, man. Or maybe you want to leave me a voicemail about how you followed the advice, the suggestions about working out and going to the gym,

and you have an inspirational story like our caller earlier where he lost 10 pounds and he's feeling great and he's looking great. Oh, I love that email, man. Once again, good for you, Brosef. That is so very cool. Keep on going, man. Keep doing it. Keep sticking to it.

Don't let anyone knock you down or don't get off track. It's make it part of your life. Make it part of your weekly routine. To get to the gym, you will feel better all around. Anyway, so there you go, guys. Happy St. Patty's Day. Crinky McRingles can go straight to you know where. And so can his little buddy, the snot goblin.

snotty macpumpkin tits? What kind of name is that even? What a doofus. But I have a great one. Thanks for being here. Please tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway. Check out the store at Harlan Williams.com. Get our free app on your phone. Just go into your app store. Type in the Harland Highway. Also, if you want to hear every episode ever made, join our premium membership. It's only $20 a year. Plus, I throw in some bonus stuff. I got some cool stand-up comedy bonus material. that I'm going to be posting for our premium members very soon next week, actually. So you're going to have some fun bonus material coming your way, my premium members.

And to all the premium members that have joined, thank you so much. I hope you're enjoying all the archive shows and the bonus material. And yada, yada, yada. So that's it. Have a good one. Keep it green. And until next time, chicken chalming. Baby?

Well, he's a bisoned. He's a snort goblin, don't you know?