The Harland Highway - 856 - Captain James T. Kirk takes over studio. Heart attack clinic visit

Episode Date: March 30, 2017

Captain Kirk takes over the podcast studio. Listener call in involving licking. Harland goes to heart screening clinic. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a show, what a show, whata, whata, whata, whata, what a nutty, nutty show. Okay, enough. This isn't Broadway. This is podcast way. This is the Harland Highway podcast. I'm Harland Williams, your host, not your Broadway fun boy, whatever that means. Welcome to the podcast. I am your host, Harlan Williams.

I will be running the ship here for the next little while. Thank you for being here. Today we're going to be getting a call from a pavement pounder about one of the questions of the day. Envelope licking. Yum. Yuck. Also, I'm going to tell you about a really funky thing I did.

I went in for this pretty interesting medical procedure. And I want to tell you all about it. It was kind of cool. It was kind of different. kind of wild, talk to an old, old man that was there. I got some of the conversation recorded, so you can listen to that. Could be good for your health to listen to that. Also, I hear Captain James T. Kirk is coming in today on the show, which I don't want

because he doesn't belong here. And we're going to talk about all kinds of fun things. So here we go. It's the Harland. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No!

I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall. Oh, man, baby. I'm the creature from all the space. Please don't stop. I got to see an ugly face. Magnificent performance.

This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Space The Final Frontier These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise

her eight-year mission to seek out new life to boldly go where No man has ever, ever gone before that kirk excuse me one second i kirk what are you doing in my studio i beg your pardon what are you doing in my podcast studio i'm not aware i'm in a podcast studio i'm on the bridge of the uss enterprise her eight year mission there's no eight year mission turn the music off kirk turn it on I'm going to have to ask you to not raise your voice on the bridge of the USS Enterprise. It's unsettling to the other... There's no one else here. Kirk, it's me and you.

We're in my podcast. What is that? I'm not sure what you're talking about. Is that a little like electric boilerplate or something? I'm afraid it's some kind of... of heating device. I found it at a store called Walmart on planet Earth. Kirk, is that a Coleman stove? Are you boiling water on my dashboard in my studio? Well, I'm not just boiling water. I'm boiling a fresh cauliflower. What do you mean you're

boiling a cauliflower? Well, the cafeteria on the lower deck of the SSS Enterprise was very crowded, so I decided to come up here to the bridge where it's much more secluded and boil a cauliflower. You're boiling a... You're boiling a cauliflower on my console in my podcast studio on a Coleman stove you bought at Walmart? Yes, that is accurate. If you need verification, I can call my science officer, Mr. Spock, and he can... No, there's no Mr. Spock. There's no science officer. What are you doing now? I'm shucking some primitive shells from planet Earth.

Would you stop saying planet Earth? We're on planet Earth. Well, that's not possible. If I'm on the bridge of the USS Enterprise, I can't very well be on Earth. Are those oysters? I think that's what they're called. I can check my computer files if I can get my science officer, Mr. Spock.

There's no getting Mr. Spock. Would you, what you're getting juices? Stop shucking oysters. I'm afraid if you don't stop screaming. I'm going to have to summon security. There's no security. This is not the USS Enterprise. Cut it out, Kirk.

Unbelievable. What are you doing now? I'm preparing sushi. Is that a fillet of salmon on my console? I guess that. That's what you would call it, yes. You've got a fillet of raw salmon on my console. Well, I think it would go nice with the boiled cauliflower on the fresh, shucked oysters.

You're not eating lunch. There's no... The cafeteria was overcrowded down on the 12th deck, so I decided to come up there and have some lunch. There's no cafeteria. Get it off. Get the boiling. cauliflower, get the shucked oysters,

and stop cutting sushi on my console. It's all the way from Nova Scotia. Would you like some sushi? No, I... It does look pretty fresh. Absolutely. I beamed this fish up myself about 20 minutes ago. Ask Scotty, he's in the transporter room. You beamed?

Okay, you want me to play? You beamed a fresh salmon up in the transporter. Scotty helped you beam it up. Yes, that's correct. Scotty is the engineer of chief engineer, the USS Enterprise. I know who Scotty is. Oh, so you've met. No way.

I haven't met Scotty because he doesn't exist. But yet, somehow you just acknowledge that he exists. Kirk, get out. Get the hell out. Take your stinky food, take your shocked oysters, take your sushi, and your boiling cauliflower. I don't think you're the one to be telling me to get off my own ship. That would be Cartmarsely. Get the hell out of here!

Well, if you're going to yell at me all through my lunch, maybe I'm better off on the 12th deck in the cafeteria. Yes, go to the cafeteria. There you go. That's right. That's the door. Get out. I didn't hear the little door noise when I went to press the elevator. It's not an elevator, Kirk.

It's a door. Well, pardon me for laughing, but if you know anything about the USS Enterprise, you would know that this is an elevator that goes down to the... Okay, you want me to give you the little noise here. Let me give you the little... Okay, push the door, Kirk, and I'll push the little noise effect on my console. Here you go. There you go.

I thank you very kindly, and I will see you later. Space, the final frontier. This is... Stop it, get out! I will see you later. I'll see you later, Kirk. Thank you. Your most welcome.

Captain's Log started 5, 7, 8, 9, 10. There's been a hostile takeover of the USS Enterprise. As I take my lunch, get out of here, Kirk! Kirk, oh. Idiot! Cat, hat in French shot chapoo. His Spanish, Elgato in a sombrero.

In German, I'm a cotta and a hoot. And don't you know, I'm a guanca in a bunker quunk. An Eskimo? You're a guanka in a bunker quunk in Eskimo? Right. He's a guanca in a bunker quank in Eskimo. Is that not a bunker quunk? Yon-a-kwanko-kwunker-quanko guanka-quanka-quenka-von. Yes, and needy, that is so.

He's a quonka-quon and a bunker-quank in a bunker-quank and Eskimo. Hello? Hello? Why, hello, Mr. Harland Williams. This is Shelley. I just want to phone and say hi and say, hey, congrats on all of the good things that are happening. So with your album and with your puppy dog show on the Disney Kids Network, it is all amazing. So keep up the amazing work. Also, I just wanted to answer one of your questions of the day regarding envelope licking. I do not lick envelopes.

I will do anything to get out of licking an envelope. So I will tape it. I will ask the person next day. me to look it. I will glue it. Shelly does not lick envelopes. Anyway, have a great day. And also, I just

want to say one more thing. I'm looking really forward to you posting some video from The Burning Man when you get a chance. I know you're a busy guy. Bye for now. Oh, well, thank you, Shelley. Shelly, Shelly, Shelly. Thank you for

your support of my music album. that just came out. It's on iTunes, Rattlesnake Love. I've told you guys all about it. And also my new Disney cartoon, Puppie Dog Pals, which will premiere April 14th. And I'll remind you again, if you want to see a clip of a show, a little teaser trailer, where you can see the full-blown animation and see how beautiful it looks. Go to my website, HarlemWilliams.com, and it's right there on the homepage. It's about a two-minute clip, but it shows you the characters.

It shows you them in action, and I'd love to get your feedback, see what you guys think of how they look and how they sound. And I'm really excited about it. So, Shelly, thank you. And I hear you with the envelope licking. Shelly said she will not lick envelopes. Shelly does not lick envelopes. Shelly does not lick envelopes. but what will Shelly do?

What is something Shelly will do? I will ask the person next to look at. Uh, could you just say that one more time, Shell? I will ask the person next to me to look at. Oh, yeah, sorry, I think there was something in my ear. If it, just, just one more time, if you would. I will ask the person next to me to look at. To do what now?

To look it. Um, what? Look it. And who's supposed to lick it? I will ask the person next to me. To look it. But you won't lick it yourself. Shelly does not lick.

Lick what? Envelopes. Okay, so just so we're all 100% clear on what we're talking about here, Shelly. One more time. Shelly does not lick envelopes. Okay, I hate to say it, but how many of you, like me, were thinking maybe that's something you would hear at a lesbian bar? It's just, if your mind goes into the gutter, that has a bit of a, that could be a new phrase that Shelly invented right there

for all you girls out there that like other girls. Shelly does not lick envelopes. It's just a little naughty if you take it the wrong way. But that's not how Shelly meant it. Shelly was being sincere and forthright about paper envelopes and not licking them. So there we got that. out of the way. Thank you again, Shelley, for your wonderful voicemail, your well-wishes on my

projects. And as far as the Burning Man question went, I promised you guys some video footage on my website or my YouTube page of some of my Burning Man footage from last year. I am working on that. I'm trying to get that done. You're right. I am a busy guy. But hopefully I'll have some of that for you guys soon. I will let you know, Shelly, and the rest of you pavement pounders. And I'm actually starting to get the wheels in motion to get ready to go Burning Man again this year. So very exciting. All right, let's switch gears onto something else that's a little funky. I went to one of these lifeline screening appointments. Have you seen them on TV, right?

They, you know, they come on TV and they tell you that, you know, you can look inside your arteries and your heart and your intestines and your blood vessels and you can take your blood samples and all this stuff and they check, they check to see if you're, you know, one of these people that could possibly be in line for a stroke or a heart attack. or maybe you have something in your blood that might indicate you're sick. You have cancer or you have something else. And I watch these commercials and I go, why the hell aren't I doing that? You know, why don't I go there and get a screening?

I mean, what am I an idiot? I mean, I'll go get my, you know, my car hits three, thousand miles. I go get an oil and a filter change. You know, my brakes start to squeak. I get new brakes. There's a leak in my roof. I get the roof fixed. You know, my car gets dirty. I take it to the car wash. I brush my teeth. I wash my body in the shower. Shouldn't I take a look at what's going on inside the old body of mine? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com.

This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And, you know, I wasn't in any situation where I felt sick or unhealthy. I'm fairly active, I'm fairly athletic, I play racquetball two, three times a week. I go to the gym, at least, you know, two, three times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less if I'm traveling.

But I can't say that I eat the greatest, you know, I still like my junk food. I still like, you know, bacon and eggs. I still like some fries now and then. And you know how it is. You get guilty. I drink a lot of Coke. Oh, God, I love Coca-Cola. But I quit it.

Like, I'll quit it, and then I'll start again, and then I'll quit it. And I keep thinking, oh, my God, the Coke's eating my insides alive. My bones are brittle. My stomach's got five holes in it. You know, you know the drill. Everything you do scares you. If you drink too much coffee, you're going to get a tumor. If you eat too much bacon, you're going to get leukemia.

If you, you know, eat too much fresh fish, you're going to get mercury poisoning. I mean, it just never ends. And so we all run around going, what the hell's going on in my body, man? So I keep seeing these commercials for lifeline screening where apparently they get an ultrasound and they look inside you. And so I thought, why the hell not? You know, if I'll spend $5,000 a year on fast food, why won't I spend $2,300 on going for two hours and getting my innards looked at?

So I did it. I signed up. I called them up. They have a $1,800 number. I made an appointment, and it's kind of a low-rent version of going to a hospital. So there's the yin and the yang. These guys kind of are, you know, they're on the move.

They move around from community community and they rent church basements and they rent community halls and they set up their machines and they set up their doctors and nurses or whatever they have. And so it's a bit of a traveling road show. So it's not the most high-tech environment, but apparently the equipment they use is high-tech. It's like ultrasound equipment and apparently I guess by medical. and government standards, they have to upgrade it every few years so that, you know, according to what the spokesperson told me at lifeline screening, is that they have, in many instances, more superior technology than hospitals because hospitals invest in big machinery all at once,

and they spend a fortune, and so they hold on to that machinery for a long time, as opposed to upgrading the machinery every two or three. years the way apparently lifeline screening does it. Now, I'm not giving an endorsement of them. I'm just telling you what they told me. So I was like, you know what? I'm going to do it.

I'm going to go in. And I'll tell you how it went in a minute. But first of all, it was interesting because I went and I had to be the youngest guy there. And I'm 54, by the way. But it was like a lot of really old people. There was a few people maybe in their mid-50s, 60s. But I didn't see anyone young in there. really, which is weird because, you know, that kind of stuff can happen to anybody.

You know, everybody's body can have a blip or a malfunction. So I don't think you're ever in the wrong having yourself looked at and checked up, you know. And the whole deal cost me like $248. This is for like all the screenings and a bunch of blood test to make sure my cholesterol and all that stuff. blood pressure, all that stuff was in the spot where it was supposed to be. And so when I was waiting for my turn, there was this very, very frail old man sitting next to me out in the waiting area. And he just started talking to me. He said, come here.

Let me tell you something. And as soon as I heard, let me give you some advice, let me tell you something. I thought, you know, this is probably going to be interesting. So I flipped on my phone and I thought, you know, I'll record this conversation because, you know, what this guy says might be important. This guy looks like he's about to tell me something that might be good for people to hear. Might save a life. So I flipped on the recording and I recorded this guy for just a few minutes.

So here's about a four-minute conversation that I had with this gentleman. And he told me he's kind of weird, strange, and funny at the same time. But I'll let you listen to it while I'm waiting in the lobby to go in for my lifeline screening. 40 years ago, Burger King had a special on Bigelwopper hamburgers, $0.99. I saw a sign in the window. Whoa, 99 cents. I'll go have one. Yeah.

So I go in. She said, oh, you want a Coke? And I said, yeah? So I had a hamburger and a Coke for about $2. Yeah. So then I went across the street to the thrifty drugstore. They were having an ice cream part. You know, they sell ice cream.

Yeah, right. Yeah. I had a triple deck ice cream cone. Wow. Live and large. So that was pretty good, you know, for cheap price. Yeah. Because the ice cream cones were only, I think they were 10 cents a scoop at that time.

Oh, nice. yeah anyway I thought well I think I'll go back for dinner time so I went back for dinner that was lunch and I go there for dinner the same thing burger king that burger king and the next day I thought damn that was pretty good I guess I go back again the next day see I was single living alone so I didn't have anybody cooking for me or anything yeah I just I went back 30 days in a row because I kept thinking that that sale is going to go off one of these days and I want to take advantage of it, right?

Wow. It caused a heart attack. You had a heart attack? Because of that. 30 days in a row at Burger King. Lunch and dinner. Lunch and dinner? What?

Lunch and dinner? Yeah, lunch and dinner for 30 days. I woke up. one morning with the pain right here and I had a from here up not not down but from here up pain and I said to myself I read where that's a indication of a heart attack coming on so I rushed to the hospital from your elbow up that's correct on your left arm not your right on left okay I didn't know that heart is here so it it affects this and your chest right down here so my

advice to you don't eat too many hamburgers. Oh, God. And that's the reason I'm here, because I do eat a lot of hamburgers. But not as much, not like two a day. I haven't had a hamburger in several years. Oh, man. I don't want to...

I don't blame you. Let me tell you something. After I had my heart attack, and I had a triple bypass, by the way. Wow. Big deal. Yeah. So I got stints in my... And my blood vessels and, oh shit.

Wow. I read a book by Dr. Ornich. And in the book, he says, I've never seen anybody with a heart attack that had a heart attack if your cholesterol level was lower than 100. Okay. Try to get your cholesterol level down. I'm going to look at mine right now.

Okay. Let's see what it did they say. All right, I'm like 121. That's not too bad. Yeah, I say that's, it says near optimal, or above optimal. But 100 is optimal. Yeah. Wow.

Just eat a few less hamburgers that will come down. Wow, okay. That's good to know. I'm right, it is. But then again, 30 days in a row. That was way too much. Yeah. So you could get by with maybe one a week or something like that.

One a week, yeah. Something like that. Maybe twice a week, but not as many as I had. You just thought the burger sale was going to keep going. Yeah, well, I thought the sale was going to... What was going to end? It would stop and then I had to pay $2 for a hamburger or whatever they are. Oh, jeez.

99 cents, do you believe it? That was 40 years ago. I guess the regular price or something like $2. But anyway. Wow. Well, I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you made it. Yeah.

Well, I just watched my diet real shortly now. Yeah. No more burgers. Well, once in a very great one, maybe one a month or something like that. Yeah, that's safe. That's enough for me. Yeah. There you go.

Don't eat 30 burgers in a row. Well, actually, it was 60 because he ate lunch and dinner. dinner at Burger King. And he was such a sweet old guy. I mean, this guy must have been up in his 80s and just thin as a rail, like, you know, almost, God bless him, he looked skeletal. He was very, he was literally down to his skin and his bones. And you know what I found impressive is that this old guy cared enough about his life,

about himself that at his age, you know, where he's much. closer to the end than he is to the beginning, I hate to say. He still had the wherewithal to go in and get himself checked and make sure he was doing all right and look for any warning signs. And as I said, that was the whole thing behind this life screening thing. And, you know, it's interesting because, you know, I'm not kind of in the age brack. Well, you know what, anything could happen to anybody. but I'm kind of still in that healthy age bracket

but the guy when I talk to them on the phone he goes hey Harland if nothing else you're just buying peace of mind you know you know you're probably not going to find anything you never know but at the very least you're for like 250 bucks you're getting peace of mind you know because they check for the plaque in the artery

and the clogged arteries and the baking grease and the arteries and the, you know. And so I should be getting the results back in like another week. It takes about two, three weeks before they get you all the results back. And hopefully I'll have peace of mind. But it's funny in life. You just don't ever know when you know who's coming to knock on your door. So if there's something you're doing that's maybe excessive Or you're walking around all day going, oh, God, I know I'm going to die.

I know I'm going to die. Oh, my God, I know my heart's all clogged up. I know my cararded arteries are all plugged up. So you go in and for a few bucks, you know, you get your head clear, you get to know what's going on and potentially ward off any bad things. If they, you know, the best defense against, you know, these chronic diseases and these life-threatening ailments, as we all know, is catching them early and dealing with them early. And your survival rate and your health is much better off than if you just kind of find out before it's too late.

So again, I don't work for these people. I don't, you know, I'm not endorsing them, but I don't. I will say it's never a bad idea to kind of look out for your health. And they make it kind of easy because it's not a hospital environment. You're not going into a hospital. So you don't have to deal with all the hospital BS and the paperwork and the insurance forms and all that. You know, you just pay cash on your credit card.

You sit down. They make you fill out a couple of pieces of paper just so they kind of know your medical history. And that's it. You don't have to sit in the emergency room for four hours. You don't have to be grilled about your damn insurance. You don't have to be wheeled around a hospital and see all the sick people. And it was pretty easy.

I was kind of in and out there in about an hour, maybe an hour and 10 minutes. And that's about the same amount of time it takes to take your car in for an oil change. So I'll say it again. If you're going to take your damn car in, which is a chunk of metal, and get it flushed and cleaned every 3,000 miles, and you damn well should do it for yourself. And if this podcast even helps one of you ward off or find something early, then God bless it, right?

So there you go. That was my little adventure. And it was, it was, hopefully, hopefully I'm okay. You know, if you don't hear any more podcasts, maybe that the test results aren't so good. But hopefully they're okay. So there you go. Perhaps I could get Dr. McCoy to have a look at you. Get the scanners and look through your body.

Kirk, what are you doing back in here? I overheard you talking about your medical situation. I have a fine doctor down in the sick bay on the ninth level. It's Dr. McCoy. I'm sure he can give you a free... No, there's no Dr. McCoy, there's no sick bay. This is my podcast studio. Get the hell out.

I was wondering if I could grab that cauliflower over there in the corner. Get your cauliflower and get out. And I wouldn't mind having a few more oysters. They're good for my... I don't want to hear it. Take your oysters, your cauliflower, and my sushi fish? Yes, your sushi... Get out of here!

I'm sure you don't want to see Dr. McCoy. I'm sure he could give you a space animal. All he has to do is get out. I don't want a space enema. Get out! All you have to do is bend over in zero gravity and let the good doctor look into Uranus. Don't say Uranus! Get out of here!

Kirk! God! Aye, aye. I'm trying to talk about something serious. I'm trying to share something to give you guys a heads up, and this idiot. Roger, please don't let Captain James T. Kirk in here again. Ugh, if anything can give me an aneurism, it's that annoying guy. Anyhow, that's it. We're going to hang it up right there. What can I tell you?

Let's do a few announcements before I go, shall we? Shall we please? Let's see, what can we tell you here? Well, this weekend, I will be in Erie Pennsylvania at Junior's Last Laugh. great comedy club. I'll be there March 30th until April 1st. That's April Fool's Day. Of course you've got to do comedy that day.

So March 30th to April 1st, Junior's Last Laugh in Erie, Pennsylvania. Get your tickets at Harlowelliams.com. Come on out and have some laughs, man. And then the very next weekend I'll be down in Virginia Beach, in Virginia. That's the Funny Bone. Virginia Beach, that's April 7, 8, and 9. How about that treat? And then, you know, I'll give you more information about the release,

the premiere of my puppy dog pals cartoon. And then later in April, April 20th to the 22nd, I will be at comics with an X just in Connecticut there at the big Indian casino so exciting stuff go on harlo Williams.com you can

you can find the stand-up comedy tour link you can buy your tickets right there also check out our store at harloyms.com we got great merchandise t-shirts, movies, books digital downloads all kinds of fun stuff also don't forget to get your app free of charge

go into your app store and type the Harland Highway and you can download the app for absolutely free it's really cool and you can listen to the Harland Highway on your phone wherever you go the most current 50 episodes are absolutely free no gimmicks no hooks it's all free and then if you want to become a premium member for $20 a year, you get bonus material and you get the whole catalog

of Harland Highway podcast over 850. Hello, that's a lot, man. So I hope you join up with our premium members and thank you in advance for doing that. And that's it, man. Don't forget to check out my new rock and roll album. Me and my cousin Kevin from the bare naked ladies. We're very proud of it.

It's called Rattlesnake Love. It's got 10 tracks on it. It's now available in iTunes and on many other platforms. If you want to go to the cousinsband.com, that's the website for our band. You can read all about it. You can find links to iTunes and other platforms that sell the album digitally. We've been getting some really great reviews from magazines and listeners and bloggers, and we're very excited. So thank you for all the great reviews, everybody.

And I hope you enjoy Rattlesnake Love by The Cousins on iTunes. That's the name of our band, The Cousins, because we actually are cousins. So how about that? And I think that's it, man. I think that's all we have for today. Thank you for being here. And stay healthy, stay wealthy, stay wise. And until next time, chicken.

Chalmyne, baby. Shelly does not lick envelopes.