The Harland Highway - 858 - Inventor ELON MUSK calls the show. Mystery in harland's mailbox.

Episode Date: April 6, 2017

Inventor, genius, ELON MUSK calls the show. Someone put something in Harland's mailbox. Harland on CONAN. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Grand Illusion. Come on in. No, wait a minute. Hold on. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. Yeah, that's better. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast, everybody, pavement pounders, newbies, old bees, whoever you may be.

Great to have you here. A great show today. Interesting show. A few cool announcements towards the end of the show. Some cool stuff popping up that I want. want to tell you about. Also, Elon Musk. We talked about Elon Musk on one of the more recent podcast, and Roger, my producer, was able to actually get him to agree to call in and do a phone interview with us. So this is exciting. I'm going to be able to ask Elon Musk about his space

program, the Tesla cars, the solar powered stuff, everything. I mean, this guy is a genius, so I'm really excited about talking to Elon Musk. Also, somebody put something funny in my mailbox. This is a real story. Somebody put something strange and unusual in my mailbox, and I took it in my house, and you're going to hear what I do with it on the air. I'm going to expose that said item on the air live during our show here.

So get ready. It's going to be a wild one. This is the Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this.

Oh, yes, you did. Chick-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall-main, baby. And the creature from all the space. Please don't stop. I got to need an ugly face. My magnificent performance. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you.

Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Okay, do we have them? You're sure, Roger. Oh my God. I'm so excited. I'm like, I'm shaking a little. So, wow, this is big. I'm proud of you, Roger, for nailing this. So in a very recent podcast, as you know, I did a big story about, it might have even been the last podcast, wasn't it, Roger, where I talked about Elon Musk and talked about all the amazing scientific things he's doing. You know, the Tesla car, SpaceX, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, and the, and then he was talking about putting chips in people's brains to read people's brain thoughts, and I mean, the guy's such a fascinating guy, he's such a forward thinker, and so Roger said he knew a guy who knew a guy, is that it, Roger? and I can't believe

and we were able to get him he's calling in we got him on the phone right now oh my God okay so folks this is a real scoop not every podcast gets Elon Musk on their

show so I am delighted I'm a little bit nervous I'll be honest but let's put them through and get this going I don't want to keep them waiting hello Elon

Are you there, sir? Hello, how are you? Great! Oh, my God, this is so very exciting. Well, it's good to be here. I heard your last podcast where you were talking about all the things I've done, and I'm grateful that you mention them, and I'm eager to talk about them to you and your audience. Oh, my God.

Well, where do we start? First of all, where are you? right now, Elon. It sounds like you're... I'm in my laboratory. Oh, wow. Okay, of course. Duh. A laboratory. You're Elon Musk. Yes, thank you. So where should we begin, Mr. Williams? Well, boy, oh, boy. I mean, I actually got to be honest with you. I own a Tesla, okay? Well, good for you. They're wonderful cars, and they're becoming more and more commonplace.

And the technology is certainly helping to save the planet. And it's, you know, a feat of engineering that we are able to have these vehicles populating our streets. Yes, sir. And I got to just tell you before we get too far, I really love the car. So thank you for making it. You're very welcome, Mr. Williams. But my big thing is space.

I'm a space guy. And the idea that you're planning to go to Mars, you know, putting a, you know, a project together to get people to Mars just blows my mind. Well, you know, we have to expand beyond our environment. This is a delicate, fragile ecosystem, and you can only put so much pressure on any ecosystem, any environment. And then you have to give it space to breathe, and as the human population keeps expanding and exploding, We're going to have to move out. We're going to have to find other geographical places to occupy.

And if we don't do this, I believe it could be the end of civilization of humankind. You know, it's so obvious. It's simple. And so you selected Mars because of what? Well, I selected Mars, Mr. William, because it's closest in proximity. The environment is the most hospitable and palatable, if you will, for our species. Although it does get very hot and very cold, it is at least at manageable levels unlike planets like mercury or Uranus or Saturn, perhaps with its frozen gases and whatnot. Yeah, okay.

And, wow, and how do you, like, how do people live up there? Did you have solar panels and space housing? Well, we are in the planning stages of all this, Mr. Williams, and, you know, these plans will come out in the very near future for people to examine and mull over, if you will. and I look forward to the exploration of this planet. I really believe in my heart that within the next day, you know, 18 to 25 years, we can have our first human colony on Mars, and the process begins.

We expand and we move outward into the universe. Oh, God, I just, I can sit and talk with you all night. Let's talk a little bit about the solar panels that you've created for houses. Well, I think, you know, it only makes sense that we have a free furnace burning in the sky, basically. It's free heat, it's free energy, and why we're drilling into the earth and pulling out, you know, natural gases and oils and petroleum, it just makes no sense to me. From an economic level, from an environmental level, and, you know, let's keep this planet running on what this planet offers, which is something. sunlight. Yeah, and is it your idea to make everything solar?

Well, right now we're currently working on a project called Operation Move. Okay, and what's that? Well, what it is is I've strapped some jet packs to Australia and South America, and I propose to ignite those in about a year and a half and actually move the planet closer to the sun, so that we get even more heat and more energy to fuel our homes and our vehicles. Oh, I haven't heard about this project move? Yes, and what we'll do is we'll fire the rockets, of course, built by my company Spaceax, and we will actually propel an inch, inch the planet Earth,

approximately 12,000 miles closer to the sun in order to get a little more heat and use it on my solar panels. Well, but I don't, can you, isn't that a little dangerous, Elon? I mean, can't that, wouldn't that, I mean, even moving a mile closer to the suns, I think would offset the whole,

the whole, you know, planet. Well, you know, one of us here is the scientist, and one of us here is, what do you call your show, a podcast? Yeah, this is a podcast. Well, I think, I mean, do you have any plans to go to Mars, Mr. Williams? I'm sorry? Do you have an electric car? Do you have an underground tunnel system, transportation system? Do you send satellites up to space? Do you, do orbit and meet with the space station, Mr. Robs?

No, no, I do a podcast. Oh. Excuse me, sir? No, I'm just saying, oh, a podcast, bravo. Whoa, whoa, no, wait a second. Okay. I'm not changing the world. the way you are, sir, but, um, you know, I'm proud of my podcast.

Well, I'm glad somebody is. Well, hold on. Mr. Musk, sir, uh, can we stay on topic? Yes, I'd like to talk about me some more if we could. Oh, okay, so let's talk about you, you, you, you're talking about moving the planet Earth closer to the sun so that it helps your solar panel industry? Is that what I'm getting? Absolutely. The closer we are, the more heat my solar panels can absorb. I'm sorry, it's just a little noisy there. Where are you right now, sir? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm bored inside a mountain in Colorado. I'm about 14 miles underneath the

Earth's crest, and I'm working on a new project. A new project? Could you tell us about it? Well, I haven't really brought it up in public yet, but it's a cloning project. It's a cloning project. It's also a phantom project, and it's also a rejuvenation project. I'm not sure what they're cloning, phantom, and rejuvenation. What I'm actually doing is I'm taking people's souls out of their bodies.

Me and my team are sneaking into graveyards in the middle of the night, exhuming bodies, taking them into my underground laboratory, 19 miles under the earth's crust, and we're exhuming the souls right out from inside their rotted tissue, and we're making ghost clones of who they once were, and we're enslaving them so that they can service me and bring me grapes and coolade and make me omelets in the morning

and rub my feet and wash my hand, things like this. What? Well, Mr. Williams and what is it you do? A podcast? Excuse me, sir? Mr. Williams, I'm a very busy man.

My mind works. at the capacity of 5,000 minds, okay? I'm not what you would call a simple folk like yourself. Excuse me, sir. And so I need people working for me. I need armies. Think of me as the king of the ants, if you will, in my underground nest.

And I need all these mindless, zoid, droid slave workers around me so that I can accomplish all the things that I want to do. I want to move the planet closer to the sun. I want to get us to Mars. I want to get us to Uranus. I want to actually get a rocket ship that can lassoe a black hole, and I can bring it home and play catch with it in my underground bunker. A black hole!

Yes, I'm sure you've heard of them. Did you go to school, Mr. Williams? All right, Elon. Listen. I'm sorry. Not really, though. Okay, listen, I know you're smart, okay? And you've probably got brains more than most of my, me and my listeners.

Listen, sir, I think you're being a little condescending to me and my audience here. Oh, you have an audience, sir. How many, Mr. Williams? How many what? How many audience members? I'm not sure. I haven't done a count. It's interesting, Mr. William. You know, I'm attempting to move a planet. I'm attempting to bring the human race to a new planet.

I'm attempting to carve a path through the universe for all humanity, and you're not sure how many people listen to your... What is it? A podcast, sir. Oh, yes, that. Okay, you know what? I don't like your little laugh there. That little titter is certainly a little pointed.

Well, I'll tell you what else is pointed, Mr. Williams. I'm pointed at a future for the human race. You know, people sit around and they worry about the polar ice caps melting and the polar bears having nowhere to go. Well, I say, fuck the polar bears. I need to get to Mars. I say, fuck the rainforest in Brazil. I need to get to Uranus.

I say, fuck, okay, fuck the continents. I'm looking to get to other moons and galaxies. You know, you're a little rude, sir, and you're coming off as a bit pompous. Oh. Well, I guess maybe I should just stop what I'm doing, Mr. Williams. put on the brakes, and perhaps do what you do? What is it you do, Mr. Williams?

I told you four times I do a podcast. Oh, yes. That. Cut it out, Musk. You know, I was excited to talk to you, and suddenly you're really degrading me. And I'm not going to stand for it. Oh, well, what are you going to do, Mr. Williams?

Are you going to get your BB gun out of your closet and come and hunt down me in my zombie drone, ghost phantom army in my 19 mile beneath the surface of the earth-crest bunker that's secured by robots with laser beams for eyes that are trained to kill garbage like you on site? Garbage like me! Well, let me reword that, Mr. Williams. Trash. Trash like you, Mr. Williams. All right, you know what? You're making me feel bad.

I thought this was going to be an uplifting conversation about the future and being, you know, excited about it and optimistic. And you're making me feel like a worthless piece of garbage. Oh, finally you've arrived at the conclusion that I've known all along, Mr. Williams. Okay, you know what? I don't need this. Well, I'm sorry you're having trouble talking to someone with superior intellect. You know, you know what? Fuck you, Musk.

Wow. Wow. You know what? I just, folks, I just... I hung up on, I just hung up on Elon Musk. Roger, I'm sorry. Roger's like throwing paper. I'm sorry, dude. I mean, come on, man. The guy was being a total douche.

Rogers rolling his eyes. So I'm the bad guy in this. Dude, you folks heard him. This guy, it started off like a really interesting conversation. And this guy just started belittling me and making me. me feel subpar and substandard, and I'm not going to take that. I'm glad I hung up on the guy. Wow.

Wow, I thought, I thought, whatever, I'm not, I'm just going to leave it alone. I'm not going to get into a fight with Elon Musk, but, you know, Roger, I don't even know if I should say to, apologize if you must to whoever, but you know what, man, At some point I've got to stand up for myself, okay? Maybe all I got is my shitty little podcast, but it means something to me. Play a commercial. I'm going to go get a Coke in the cafeteria. Unbelievable.

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High Karate, the brisk splash on after shave that smooths and soothes and cools. High Karate, after shave, cologne, and gift sets. Hi, karate. Be careful how you use it. Okay, speaking of careful, I don't know if I should do this or not. Do you hear this? This is odd. Okay? Like many of you, I have a mailbox at the end of you.

of my driveway and the mailman put stuff in my mailbox and I guess anyone else could put something in my mailbox and so it turns out that a real estate agent I guess who works locally in my neighborhood um left me her business card in my mailbox which you're like oh well that's not so unusual harland well it's not except interestingly enough as a gimmick you know people are always looking for a gimmick they're looking for a way to stand out they're looking for a way to make a difference they they want to be remembered so said um i won't say her last name but rita rita stapled her business card do you hear that she stapled her business card to a bag of of cool ranch Doritos.

Yes, cool ranch Doritos. And I think she might have got them at Costco because it's kind of the smaller like Halloween size bag you'd give out. And right on the package, it says two for a dollar or 59 cents each. So Rita, out of her own pocket, decided that my business,

In order to get my attention, she would invest an extra 59 cents. Or in this case, I'm guessing she bought more than two. So if it's two for a dollar, at least 50 cents, she invested into garnering my business. And I got to say, it's effective. It works. I mean, she really stands out. I mean, nobody's ever handed me their business card before with a bag of cool. Ranch Doritos. Tortilla chips. There they are. Attached to the business card. So right

away, she got my attention not only because it's unique and different, it's also I love chips and junk food. So bonus points. So I think I got to give Rita credit for being creative and going the extra mile to be different. And that's kind of a smart thing to do in life. If I was looking for a real estate or looking to sell or buy a home, I might just call her up because I was like, you know, I appreciate the extra effort. I don't know how good or bad she is as a realtor, but I kind of like the extra effort,

and I like that she went the extra mile to be creative and try and stand out of the pack with a pack of Cool Ranch Dorito tortilla chips but here's my dilemma my dilemma ladies and gentlemen is now even though I don't

want to do any real estate dealings with Rita who I don't know I've never met in my life didn't even know existed on planet earth until I was my eye caught the Doritos cool ranch tortilla chips in my mailbox now I'm

stuck with a bag of chips and the dilemma is do I eat them a complete stranger drops cool ranch Dorito chips in my mailbox how do I know they're even from Rita what if they're from the KGB what if what if they coated them with some kinds of toxic poisoning what if they're what if they're they're laced with the PCB or or or or or or Acid or LSD or something. What if they're sprinkled with cocaine? What if the cool ranch dust is nothing more than Coke? I mean, this is a weird situation I'm in now.

Like, do I eat the coveted cool ranch chips, which I love? But I have no idea where they came from. It's almost like when someone walks up to you in a bar, a crowded bar, it says, hey, man, have a drink. And you're like, wait a minute. No, it's okay. Honestly, have a drink, man. Did you put anything in that drink? Uh, I don't know, did I?

Wait a minute, right? So, you know what? What do you think I should do? You know, what's interesting is what scares me a little bit is where she put the staple, okay? Because she stapled her card to the Doritos bag. In the future, you might want to tape your card. to the Doritos bag. By stapling it, you punctured the bag.

And now there is an abrasion in the bag, and now the bag is open to a degree. There's a little staple hole, and I'm pulling the bag open. Let me sniff. Okay. They smell like Doritos. I smell the fake chemical, cool ranch flavoring

that they spray onto the tortillas. chips at the Doritos factory. I don't know. Should I eat one? Here I go. Oh my God. Okay. I don't feel sick yet. I mean, is this stupid? Am I being a moron for doing this? Am I an idiot? I'm a fool. Am I playing right into Rita's plan? Is Rita really a contract killer?

Like, that's my dilemma here. Do you do stuff like this? If someone left you something in your mailbox that was edible, would you eat it? You know my answer. So, oh God, these are good. I think I'm going to call Rita. Oh, God. Oh, God, Rita.

All right, all right, enough. I'm sorry. I'm putting them down. I don't feel sick yet. I don't feel poisoned. Anyhow, there you go. So, what would you do? Well, I got to go get a drink of water.

You think about what you do. I'm going to go get a drink of water. Roger, play some like Musac or something while I go get a drink. Good Lord. Thanks, Rita. Okay, Raj. I'm back. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. For the cheesy mall music there. Some exciting announcements here for you before we get into the boring announcements. Looks like I'm going to be on Conan O'Brien next week. I always love doing Conan O'Brien show. He is a lot of fun. Me and him have a lot of laughs together.

So Thursday, April 13th, mark it in your calendar. I will be on the Conan O'Brien show with Conan. And then the next day, Friday, April 14th, my puppy dog pals show premieres on Disney at 10 or 10.30 in the morning. If you want the times and the channels, just go to my website, harlomwilliams.com, and the little promo clip is right there on the homepage.

You'll see it as soon as you log in, and you can actually watch the little promo teaser trailer, and it tells you where to find it and what time and so on and so forth. So very exciting. I'm so excited. You know, I told you guys, we've been working on this animated show for six freaking years.

And it's finally here. Oh, boy. So there's that. And then also this week, starting tonight, Thursday, April 6th, or sorry, starting tomorrow night, Thursday, April 7th, I will be at the Virginia Beach. Funny Bone Comedy Club, right outside of Norfolk, Virginia, great club. All my fans who are fans of Down Periscope, the submarine movie I did, will probably be there.

They come out every year. Look forward to seeing those guys and gals from the naval base. And, yeah, get your tickets April 7, 8, and 9, Virginia Beach, Funny Bone. and then two weeks later in April 20th to the 22nd. I will be in Connecticut at the Indian Casino at a comedy club called Comics, right inside the casino. C-O-M-I-X Comics. Great club, great, great owners, great people who run the club.

I was there a few years ago. I had a fantastic time. So that'll be cool. And I look forward to seeing you guys there. So all these comedy club dates you can pick up on my website, Harlan Williams.com. And then later going into May, I'll be up in Vancouver, Canada, British Columbia.

May 11th to the 13th, at Yuck Yuck Yuck's. Yuck Yuck Yuck's Comedy Club, which is where I started. Way back when, when I was just a young'n, I started at Yuck Yuck Yucs. in Toronto, so it's always fun to go back to the roost, to the nest. And all these dates, as I said, are at harlornwilliams.com. You can go and order your tickets. Also, while you're there, check out our store.

We have a great merchandise store full of fun gifts. You can write me at harlewilums.com on our contact link. You can call me and leave a voicemail. 323-3-739-43-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3. Um, and love hearing from you guys. Also, if you want to become a premium member, that's $20 a year. You get to hear all 800 and over 50 episodes of the Harland Highway podcast. It's a good deal, man.

Plus extra bonus stand-up comedy clips and interviews and secret stuff. Uh, so there you go. good good stuff and that's it I think that's all I got for you today don't forget to get our app just go to your cell phone into the app store

and type in the Harland Highway you have the app for free and you can listen to us wherever you go all the latest episodes and lastly don't forget to pick up my new rock album

yes right I sing I sing and do music with my cousin Kevin we have a band called The Cousins, and we are rocking it of our new album, Rattlesnake Love. It's available on iTunes. Just go to iTunes, type in The Cousins, Rattlesnake Love, and maybe you'll find a song you like, or maybe you'll like the whole album.

We hope you enjoy it. And that's all I got for you today, boys and girls, pavement pounders. And again, I apologize for Elon Musk being so condescending to all of you. That wasn't good. Maybe we've got to get them back and have a talking with that guy or something. So there you go. Thanks for being here, everybody. Keep it real in the deal.

And until next time, watch out for free food in your mailbox, except if it's a nice hot bowl of chicken. Chalmayne, baby. Oh, yes, that. Thank you.