The Harland Highway - 863 - MONKEY GIRL calls the show. Unexpected happiness. Listener voicemails

Episode Date: April 24, 2017

A girl raised by MONKEYS calls the show. Harland has a surprise moment of happiness. Listener phone calls. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, my, my. Hello, everybody. Harlem Williams here. Hey, hey, my, my. A cool collective way to start the podcast. There's a lot of creatures crawling around in my studio. I had spiders walking around on my equipment the other day, and now there's little flies.

Maybe I need a fumigator or something. Anyhow, welcome to the show. We're going to be taking a bunch of your phone. calls today. We're going to be listening to your pavement pounder phone calls. Also, I had something happened to me that put a real big smile on my face, and I recorded some of it so you could hear it. It was just a random offbeat moment that came up during one of my average normal days, just a little ray of sunshine that poked through that just made me stop, stop everything I was doing, and just enjoy an unexpected moment.

And I don't think we have enough of those. So I thought I'd tell you about it and share it with you. Also, a very strange news story. Apparently a young girl, eight or nine years old, was found in the jungle. And it turns out, it's like a real-life jungle book story. She was raised by monkeys. She can't talk. She crawls around on her hands and knees.

I mean, it's really weird. So we're going to talk to her. She's calling in. So get your bananas ready. This is the Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway.

No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-chic-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall-main, baby. And the creature from all the space. Please don't stop. I got to need an ugly face. Magnificent performance.

This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Yeah. All right. Let's start the show with something that made me very happy.

You ever just? you know out and about going about your business and you know you're just you know just an average day another average moment in your life and then all of a sudden something you know comes into your peripheral and it just like makes you happy it puts a smile on your face it could be a unicorn it could be a clown it could be somebody tripping and falling and it made you laugh. It could be some graffiti on a wall. It could be a friend you didn't expect to see all of a sudden walks by. Who knows what it is. But in this case, for me, it was late at night. I was over at the gym. And I was walking back to my car. And I trucked out near Hollywood Boulevard.

You know the famous Hollywood Boulevard where the walk of fame is and all the stars are embedded into the concrete? And I'm walking along and I start to hear this sound. And, you know, I'm just minding my own business. I'm not in any particular frame of mind or any type of mood. I'd say I was neutral, you know? I'm just like, okay, the day's closing out. I'm heading back home.

I had a good workout, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And all of a sudden, I start to hear this noise, and it's an instrument. And, you know, it's a street musician. And normally, you know, street musicians can be so-so. Sometimes they're really good. Sometimes they're not. You know, how much attention does one pay to a street musician? You know, it's like 80% of this, 20% of that.

But this guy caught my ear It was late at night It was probably around like, I don't know 9.30, 10 o'clock Hollywood Boulevard was fairly empty There wasn't a ton of people walking around A few cars were going by here and there And this guy

This kind of ragged-looking White dude Who was very frail and skinny And had long dirty hair And a ponytail and if I'm being honest, looked like he might have been a homeless guy or, you know, someone who's seen some rough times,

he kind of had that classic look of a, you know, the gaunt, underweight, frail, unhealthy-looking, drug addict, type of alcoholic type of thing with his clothes didn't look very clean. But, that being said, who knows? Maybe he was a millionaire. You know, I don't know, but he looked like the kind of traditional kind of peddler or busker that you would see on a busy city street. And so I started to hear this guitar sound playing.

And then I walked over and I watched the guy. He kind of lured me in. He was just standing there very unassuming, just kind of. playing and what what called me is that the the the picking if you will the the playing was was very intricate it was it was kind of like a lot of finger movement and a lot of you know he wasn't singing he wasn't doing a contemporary song or a hit song he was just playing and here it is here's here's you know you can hear it in the background and you know he's you know he's He had a little bit of reverb, a little bit of echo.

He had the little, like, you know, amplifier set up. It was an electric guitar, and he had it plugged in. But it really had, like, a haunting and kind of soothing sound. And I really enjoyed it. It filled me up with happiness, and I really got into it. Like, you know, sometimes music is just for the ears. But then sometimes you hear music, and it gets raised. into your soul and you kind of feel it and it kind of moves you emotionally and it kind of

moves you spiritually. It kind of gets in there behind the ribs and into the heart and it's more than just like sound in your head. It's kind of like a body vibe. That's what this guy's music was doing to me. And so I stood there for a bit and and I walked up and I put some money in his little, you know, bag. He had a little shopping bag out. And I just told him, he said, way to go, man, you sound great. And he was very gratefully. He goes, hey, thank you, man, you know.

And then I just stood back and I listened. I stood there for, you know, normally I'll give a busker a couple of minutes. But this guy stood there for 10, 15 minutes and just listened and absorbed it. And what was interesting is at the point in time when I put my money in the bag, a couple of other people had walked right past them. And in the course of me standing there, these people made a point of walking all the way back and putting money in his bag. I think it affected them the same way.

And they walked past him, and I think as they were leaving that music, as I said, it got inside of them, which is a rare thing to do, you know. It's tough to do that with music. I mean, lots of people can do it, but it's not every musician that can kind of get in there deep, you know? And all of a sudden, these people that had left, all of a sudden came, you know, one of them came back up this big flight of stairs and just walked right up to the guy and put money in, and this other man had walked down the sidewalk with his little daughter,

and he walked all the way back. And I was like, wow, this guy's having an effect on people. So not a big dramatic story, but just a nice story and a nice feeling and a nice vibe. And I guess I wanted to tell you this because it's just nice when life throws you kind of a nice little unexpected moment of happiness and joy. And it creeps into your heart. and you can be having a good day or a bad day regardless. It just enhances your moment. It adds some color to your day,

especially if you have a bleak day. It adds color. And I don't know if this gentleman knew the effect that he had. Maybe he does, but he certainly looked like he was beyond worthy of being a street performer. I mean, I was not only listening, but I was watching. I was watching his finger movements. I was watching him play that guitar. And he was really on it.

Like, he was doing a lot of intricate, you know, kind of, if you listen to the music, it's kind of like electric jazz type of electric picking. And it wasn't just your standard strum, strum, strum along. I mean, this guy was moving it, man. And what I'm saying is this guy had talent, this guy had ability, and I hope this guy, I hope I'm wrong about him. I hope he's like some kind of secret, like rock star millionaire, and he just wanted to come out and play for people. That was kind of my fantasy. I was like, I bet this guy's like been in a huge band and's played all over the world, and he's tired of the big crowds,

and he just wants to share his gift and get out on the sidewalk and play his heart out for people. In anonymity. Yeah. So there you go. Unfortunately, I recorded it on my cell phone, so it's probably not doing it justice. But trust me, it sounded really cool. And I put a little clip up on my Instagram feed.

Just a little 30-second clip so you can kind of see this guy in the background. And you might be able to hear it a little clearer when you check out my Instagram. So there you go. Just a little slice of happiness to start off today's podcast. Hello? Hello? Yo, Harwood. Hey, man, when you were pretending like you were kissing that girl with the pop rocks in your mouth,

it kind of sounded like you were starting to kiss. yeah so i'm not so sure that would be a good thing but uh you could also consider using pop rocks when you're going uh a downtown you know what i you know what i'm saying it's a good thing to try you know try it so oh that much that's not out of miss wow to pop rocks when you're going downtown holy smokes yeah When you're going a downtown, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, I think I do know what you're saying. I think you're saying going downtown.

A downtown. Downtown. Is that what you're saying? You know what I'm saying? Downtown. A downtown. When you're going downtown. When you're going to a downtown.

Downtown. Am I doing it right? Yeah. Okay, cool. Well, hey, man, one last time before I let you go, downtown. Downtown. All right, cool. Thanks for the call.

Who else we got in there, Raj? Any more callers? Hey, Arlen, what's going on? This is Mike. I just wanted to let you know that this day one year ago, my wife and I got married. So when I found out you were going to be in Virginia Beach at the Funny Bone, I asked her about it right away. And she said we could go on one condition. I had to leave a voicemail for you on your.

Harlan Highway. So here I am, and I just wanted to thank you in advance for all the laps, and we're really looking forward to it. So thanks again, man. And as always, chicken chameen. Well, hey, Mike, congratulations on your marriage. That's beautiful. I love it. And I'm glad you thought of me on your anniversary. And the Virginia Beach show already passed, and I'm guessing you there. And what a great weekend I had in Virginia Beach. Really great crowds, really fun people. And I enjoyed it so much that I posted some of the Virginia Beach stand-up comedy show on the premium membership. So if you want to hear some of the Virginia Beach stand-up comedy, it's some new material. It's me spritsing with the audience.

going toe to toe with people in the crowd, a lot of fun, some really great crowd interactions. Just join up with our premium membership is $20 a year, and you get to hear special features like that as well. You have access to every single episode of the Harland Highway, and we're coming up on $900. So your free membership gets you the latest 50 episodes, But for $20, your premium membership gets you all kinds of stuff.

So there you go. Check it out. And Mike, thanks again for coming by the Virginia Beach Funny Bone. And if you want to see me do stand-up comedy live, just go and check my stand-up comedy tour schedule at harlunwilms.com. Okay, Roger, are we moving on? I think we took a few calls. Let's switch gears here. Yeah, let's do something else.

All right, cool. Yeah, I agree. Let's do it. North Korea news. Let's roll it. A lot of crazy headlines coming out of North Korea. Let's get caught up. This is an important news update from North Korea.

Particularly, um,jung, see, not to not much. Our Czech is Soson-in-min-Gunton-Devue's name-yro, the U.S. and North-Jurban-Cardium-Cardion Hapton-Gunsa-Unsaan Union-Gunsaaned to

be able to-a and how much another, and so-and-o-do-seer to-and-o-so-one to-one-with-one this one-Vos-Modhack incident

made-in-out-in-in-out-old. We will keep you updated on this story as it develops. Yikes. Oh boy. I hope that situation in North Korea clears up soon. That sounded really, really intense. Speaking of news stories, I came across this article that blew my mind. It was like a modern day, like jungle book. It was like a modern day jungle book meets Tarzan, but it's a girl. It was a really fascinating story about a little girl that was raised in the jungle by monkeys.

This is true. They found her. I'll read you the particulars of the story. Listen to this. It's unbelievable. This little girl has been living with monkeys. She was found in a jungle in India after being spotted by woodcutters. She was naked, she was emaciated, and she was walking on her hands and knees.

Monkeys attacked and chased her rescuers. Doctors believe she is about 10 to 12 years old. She can't speak, but she communicates with hand gestures. She'll be taken to a juvenile home while police determine how she got to the forest and who her parents are, right? Isn't that kind of fascinating? I mean, when you think about it, you know, if a baby was abandoned in the forest and the monkeys were at least able to provide, you know, basic sustenance, you know, like fruits and leaves and the edibles,

and the child out of just a pure instinct to fill her stomach started to experiment and eat things that she found that were provided in nature. It is possible, and if she had the protection of the clan, of the monkey clan, you know, if they were part of a group, a tribe, if you will, and they offered her protection, and comfort and, you know, to some degree, some type of emotional support,

monkeys, whenever you see them in a social setting, are very socialized. I mean, they do a lot of touching, they do a lot of pruning and grooming. They sleep together. They form bonds. They, you know, they communicate with sounds and facel. expressions and body language. And if you got to remember, you know, it's like any human child. If you're a human child and you're raised in a Latino family and everyone speaks Spanish,

that's what the child adopts. Or the child might live in an English, in an English family and adopt English or French or German or whatever. So children, they have no expectation of what they're entitled to or what they're supposed to get in life. And so basically they kind of adapt and are conditioned by their immediate surroundings and the people, or in this case, the monkeys in the immediate surroundings. And because all human organisms, all living organisms want to survive, we all have a survival instinct in this infant probably, you know, was able to copy the actions of the primates

and, you know, mimic and imitate all the things they were doing. She probably figured out their language of grunts and screeches and whoops and waws and howls. I mean, she probably began to understand that as commonly as a human baby would start to comprehend words being spoken by parents who spoke a modern language. Isn't that fascinating that maybe this child potentially has the knowledge to interpret monkey language, something that scientists, study all the time and you know try to figure out like well why why does a monkey sound like this why does a monkey growl like this why does it bear its teeth why but what but what if this child just intrinsically knew because it had to it grew up in the environment of the monkeys and this child held all the answers to uh monkey language she'd she's bridged the gap between uh you know

identifying all that a monkey does to communicate, and if she potentially, as I imagine she will, will learn how to speak English and acclimate to human behavior, what if she somehow becomes this conduit between monkey talk and human talk? That could be a huge scientific advancement. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

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Don't throw your back out. But anyways, it's a fascinating story. And we were like, we got to get the monkey girl on the show. So Roger, through a lot of string pulling, Roger's giving me the thumbs up. She's on the line. Oh, amazing. Okay, so through a lot of string pulling and talking to the consulate and in India and various, I won't even go through the list of people we had to go through to get an interview with the monkey girl.

But let's get it right out of her mouth. From what I understand, she has been able to pick up some English language at this point. It's limited, but apparently she can talk and wants to tell this story, and we're fascinated to hear it. So without further ado, Roger put through, I guess for now we'll just call her Monkey Girl. And if she has a name, she can tell us. Here we go. Hello, monkey girl. Are you there?

Hello? Monkey girl? Yeah, we're trying to, you know, follow up on the story about you being found in the jungle, in Africa. Is it all right if we ask you a few questions, monkey girl? Okay, um, I guess everyone's wondering, what did you eat? I mean, how did you survive, uh, on, on anything there? Uh, boy, this, this is going to be a little, uh, tough.

This is going to, I understand you're coming from a delicate environment. I'll try and keep these questions fairly simple. I hope I can get through to you. Were you able to eat any meats or berries? Oh, how many monkeys were in your pack, your tribe? Um, okay, I understand we're going to have a little bit of a communication barrier here, monkey girl. Um, maybe some more. I'm just trying to think of questions that we as humans like you obviously would ask if we were in this situation, where did you go to the bathroom even? Um, okay. Um, did you, did the other, did the monkeys care for you?

Did they nurture you? Did they protect you? Um, I don't know. Okay, settle down. Um, oh boy. Um, I don't know. Roger, what should I ask her? I don't know.

She's a monkey girl. Did you eat bananas? Are you fucking serious? So, excuse me? Are you fucking serious? A monkey girl? But you just ask me if I ate a banana? Well, yeah.

Who is this I'm talking to? Well, who did you think you were talking to? It's a monkey girl, you fucking insensitive asshole. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the... What, insensitive? Oh, because I'm a monkey, I've got to eat a banana. Um, well, isn't that what monkeys eat?

Oh, it's wet, so we're going to play this game. So just because I'm a monkey, I've got to eat a banana, you racist piece of garbage. No, I'm not being, monkey girl, relax. I'm not being racist. I grew up thinking monkeys love bananas. Isn't that the case? Oh, and what nationality are you, my friend? What nationality? I'm Canadian.

Oh, so are you white? Yes, I'm white. Oh, well, well, I guess you don't know how to dance then, do you? You stupid, you have no sense of rhythm. What do you like, white toast and white rice for dinner? No, I don't like white toast and white rice for dinner just because I'm white. Oh, say, how does it feel? So why don't you ask a monkey girl if she likes a banana?

Well, first of all, why are you talking all of a sudden? No, no, no, don't go back to that. You were definitely speaking, and in fact, you were speaking quite coherently. Now, what's going on here? Monkey Girl, are you? What? Well, I'll try this again. Did you eat bananas? Oh, so you're going to go back to the richest piece of garbage. Just because of my little monkey girl, I've got to eat the bandanas. See, there you go again. Now, you're talking

really, really good and perfect English minus your accent. Oh, so now I have an accent, because what? Because I'm a monkey? I've got a monkey accent. Is that what you're thinking, you piece of garbage? Look, I'm not a piece of... You're racist, you think I have a banana. You think I got an accent. Would you like to come over and, you know, rub my hairy ass? No, I don't want to rub your hairy ass.

Why not I'm a monkey? Why don't you just play your little organ and I'll jump up and down? Oh, I'm a little monkey girl. I'm a jumping monkey girl. Throw me a cord today in my cup. Stop it. This has just gone very strange. Now, can you explain to me where you learn to speak?

Stop it. Cut the monkey calls. I know you can talk, monkey girl. Cut it out. Okay, if you want to play the monkey call game, how about this? Did you eat any bananas? Oh, there you go again. Telling me about the bananas because I'm a monkey.

I suppose you think I might... Why don't you just call me a dirty monkey, you raise this piece of garbage? Okay, maybe I will, dirty monkey. Oh, you're a stupid honky piece of garbage. Why don't you go to the dance hall with a bowl of white rice and a loaf of white bread and put, you know, white ivory soap all over your face and, you know, be white. That doesn't offend me. Be white, I don't care.

I am white. And you're a monkey girl. Stop the, I'm not buying it. Did you eat bananas? Oh, look at that. Always going back to the bananas, huh? Just because I'm monkey girl, I crawl around in the forest. You think I eat bananas?

Well, guess what I did. What? I snuck behind the Denny's. I eat full moon over my hammy. I eat French slam. I eat all kinds cordon blue chicken. Sometimes I sneak behind the Morton Steakhouse and I eat the whole fucking lobster tail. How about that, you racist piece of garbage? I'm not a racist piece of garbage. You're a monkey girl. I was asking monkey questions and then you got all fired up because I asked you if you ate bananas. Oh, look at this. Holy fuck, you know? Okay, you're kids, I'm eating a banana all of a sudden, your racist piece of gut.

Stop it with the racist. You were a girl of Indian descent found in the jungle raised by monkeys. Is that accurate or is that not? Okay, Roger, I'm getting nowhere with this girl. Well, how about that? this? You ever swing around in a tree? Oh, so now I swing in the trees. Is that what you're saying? You're racist Pete of Garish. I'm going to come over there with my little monkey paws, and I'm going to grab your aureolize on your little mannipples, and I'm going to twist them.

I'm going to twist them like I'm twisting a radio dial at an old-fashioned radio station. I'm going to twist your aerolize until milk comes out of them. I'm going to twist your aerolize until flames come out of your fucking eyes, you racist piece of garbage. Stop it! Good God, I'm not a rink... You know what? I think we're going to let you go, monkey girl. Yeah, goodbye.

God! What the hell was that, Roger? I go from... And suddenly I'm racist because I'm asking... Straightforward questions about monkeys? Is there a person alive that doesn't think monkeys eat bananas and swing in branches? I mean, just because she's a monkey girl, she doesn't have to be so sensitive. These are legitimate monkey questions for someone who was apparently raised by monkeys.

I don't see any racist connection. I asked about the diet and I asked if they swung up in trees. Maybe she's just sensitive because she's stepping into the human world, but she sure sounded pretty articulate to me. And how would she even know what racism is against monkey? How did she know what monkey racism is? Something's a little fishy here, Rod. I don't know if I'm buying this story.

Look into it some more, but let's end the show on something a little more positive, can we? Good Lord, bizarre. After all, it isn't every day that we entertain celebrated contest winners. Hello? Hello? Hey there. So, I was calling about El Paso, Texas, and I was going to tell you, some people say there's nothing to fucking do here, but there's a lot to do here.

so you should get the fuck down here should be fun all right dude sounds fun and not creepy at all like just sounds totally fun

the way you said it like no I wasn't even thinking creepy and scary but just fun and I'm in for El Paso as long as you know we get to go downtown a downtown you know what I'm saying So I'm totally down, dude, but as long as we get to go downtown and as long as it's fucking fun.

Get the fuck down here. It's going to be fun. Okay, bro. Sounds fun and not creepy. I'm in. Harlan, how you doing? This is Robert. I can actually say I'm a first-time listener and a first-time color.

I actually saw your show in Raleigh, North Carolina. I went with a group of people and you were hilarious. We loved it. Damn, good job. and I hope to see you again. I just wanted to give you kudos to your latest podcast on the political correctness, BS that's been happening across our country. Way to go.

You said it right, my friend. Well said, and I'm going to be listening from here on now, buddy. Take care. And I guess my sign-off since I'm originally from Iowa, Bone in Rib Eye. Take care. Semper five. Ooh, I like that, man. That's kind of like, you know, like, do.

dueling food groups. It's like chicken chau maine meets uh bone in ribai. You know, I say chicken chow maine baby. Bone in ribai. Chicken chow main baby. Bone in ribai. Chicken chow main all the way downtown. A downtown. Bone in ribai. Ha, that is fun. Some people say there's nothing to fucking do here, but there's a lot to do here. Fucking bone in ribby. bro. Bone in ribeye. Get the fuck down here. It's going to be fun.

All right. I can't take any more, man. I'm going to have to end the show. I've got to get my ass to El Paso. Going to go downtown, have some bone in ribeye, and have some fun. That's our show for today. Weird, creepy way to end it, but, you know, it does have to end. Let me fill you in on some upcoming dates before we go.

I will be in Vancouver. Yes, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, at Yuck Yuck's Comedy Club. That's going to be Thursday, May 11th through the 13th, May 11th through 13. And great club, great peeps. It's going to be a blast. Get your tickets online at Harlandwilliams.com. And while you're there, check and see if I'm going to be in your town or city. and you can come and see me do my live stand-up show.

It'd be great to see you guys there. Also, feel free to leave me a phone call like these wonderful people did. 3-23-739-43-433. 3-3-739-43-30. Or you can write me at harlomwiliams.com. We have a contact link there. I might read your email on the air. Or I might play your phone call on the air.

You decide. You decide. Also, don't forget to check out my new show, my Disney show, Puppie Dog Pals. It's getting really good reviews, really good feedback. People are loving it. Thank you for everyone who sent me like emails. People have been sending me pictures of their children standing in front of the TV watching puppy dog pals. I got to tell you, it warms my heart. I love it. It's just so nice to see that children are getting so much fulfillment. out of this show we worked so hard on. So thank you, parents, for introducing your kids to puppy dog pals on Disney. And what else?

Also, don't forget to get our free app on your cell phone for the Harland Highway podcast. It's 100% free. You just download it on your app and you get the most current 50 episodes of the show. And if you want the whole complete library from episode one to what we're doing today, $20 a year gets you the premium package plus bonus material that we put up on the show. Recently posted some live stand-up. Going to be posting some more of that very soon.

And all good stuff. Also check out our store at harloweems.com. And also, if you're cruising around on iTunes, check out our new album. When I say our, I mean me and my cousin, Kevin Hearn, from the Bare Naked Ladies. We have a new rock album out called Rattlesnake Love on iTunes and all other digital platforms. So check it out. See if there's some music on there that you dig. And there you go.

So that's it for today's show. Thanks for all your calls. Thanks for your letters. Thanks for listening in general. And, you know, I'm glad you're here to have fun with us. And until next time, chicken. Shaoamai. Baby

Bone in Ribeye Get the fuck down here Should be fun