The Harland Highway - 866 - SENIOR FUENTEZ drops in. Question of the day. Donut talk.

Episode Date: May 4, 2017

Harland's gardener Senior Fuentez drops into the studio. Question of the day. A SIMPLE conversation. FACE TIME! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, here we go. This is the Harland Highway. How are you today? Good to have you here. Senor Fuentes, my gardener, is dropping by today. He just feels like he has an open door invitation to come into my studio in the middle of my work. I don't like it, but he does it. I don't know what he's up to today or what he wants, but Senor Fuentes will be here.

Also, we're going to have some. little just some good old fashioned plain talk we're gonna we're gonna hear a conversation just some plain old donut talk yeah you'll you'll see a little snippet of people talking about donuts just the simple life so stick around for that also the harland highway question of the day oh yes oh yes you i think we always like the harland highway question of the day this one is a good one this one is a sweet one. And then later in the show, we're going to talk about kind of a new technology phenomenon. I don't know if any of you have participated in it, but have any of you taken up this face-timing stuff with your cell phones, where you video chat with another person?

I'm going to talk about the pros and cons of that, and I'm still trying to decide if I like it or not. but I do like this podcast because this is the Harland Highway Sit down, strap in and tighten your diaper Come here, baby

You're about to go down the Harlan Highway I didn't bargain for this Oh yes you did Chick-chia-chia-chia-ch-ch-a-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall-main, baby And the creature From all this, baby Please don't stop

I got a feed an ugly face. I've never sent before. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Oh, yeah.

I don't know. How did you guys like donuts? I love me some donuts. Would you be okay with starting the show with a little donut chit-chat? You know, just donut talk, right? Between two people back and forth talking about donuts. Well, recently, I was down south. I was down in Florida, and I had to do a little bit of paperwork, you know,

where you got to go into the government office. office and you have to, you know, register papers for this and for that or whatever, a fishing license or what have you. And so I'm in the government office in this little town. And first of all, I'm one of these guys that loves the Southern accent. I've heard people mock it and say, oh, those people sound so stupid and rednecky. And I find it charming. I love me.

I love me Southern accent. I mean, when people talk with their Southern accent, I just, love it especially the ladies oh when the ladies talk oh it's so sweet y'all having a good day yeah uh so anyways i went in to do this thing it was it was early in the morning and uh the lovely lady that was behind the counter started telling me uh about a donut shop that was in town a bakery and then she claimed they had the best donuts ever and i thought you know i thought this is just a little tiny like three minutes slice of life one of those things many of you might find it boring maybe you'll find it interesting but it you know instead of doing a big comedy bid or a big set piece i thought

what about just a little common everyday slice of life what can be more common than than two people early in the morning having a little three minute discussion about donuts how are you doing today sir good thank you so i got glazed donuts and... They have glazed chocolate. They have ones with nuts, ones with sprinkles. They have the cream filled kind, the fruit field kind. Wow.

Now, I don't know that they necessarily have all of those each and every day, or else they were just all sold out before I can get over there, but we have strawberries, strudels, and cinnamon rolls, and bear cladles. What is a bear clot? Are they like chop the hand off a bear or why do they call it? Why do they call it that? I don't know why they call it, but it is like a big piece that has like nuts on it and chocolate. Wow.

Sounds like donut heaven to me. You need to go check it out. But yes, you have to go down there and try it out because my mom, she works in tall house, and my aunt does too, and I used to. Anytime there was a meeting, they would give us special permission to be like just to take that. Wow. Not everybody loves shopping. There's just nothing like that. Best donuts in the world.

Mm-hmm. But if you're watching your figure, few and far between business, because it just sticks to you. Yeah, yeah. But it's so good every once in a while. All right, I'm going to go over there. You talk me and do it. Yeah, I do. They do lunch, too, and their food's pretty good, but nothing like that much.

Wow. Better than crispy creams, huh? Oh, yes. Wow, that's hard to be. My husband does not agree. My husband says that crispy cream is very much. best. I told him he don't know what he's talking about. Ha! Donut fight.

Johnson's making the best. All right. I'm going to take your word for it. So there you go. Right? Just a little slice of life. Nothing too big and over the top. Just a moment in time. A little slice of time.

Two strangers interacting. Getting all cushy over donuts. I don't know why I just thought maybe that would be an interesting little clip. I don't know if you guys are just like, what the hell? But I don't know. I find sometimes just the most mundane things in life can be very captivating and interesting. You know what I mean?

Like kind of the unfiltered, unplanned, unpretentious, just a moment in time can sometimes just be fascinating to me. like just as she was talking about donuts i started filling in the blanks like what's her life like what's her husband do what's what she do every day what are her dreams what her aspirations where where where does she want to go what did she want to do is she fine here does she want to go somewhere else or and then part of me didn't think anything at all it was just like i'm just here just hearing this in this uh building talking to uh the the clerk we're talking donuts you know so So there you go. Stimulating or not, you just listen to it.

So now you're stuck with it. Donut talk. Yum. Rice. A rumy. The San Francisco tree. The Harland Highway. Question of the day.

All right. Here it is. This is an interesting one. This, yeah. And it seems like counterintuitive to ask it, but I don't know. Are you guys feeling this the way I feel it? If someone has too much exuberance, if someone has too much get up and go and pep and zing and zap,

is that a turnoff? Is that a deal breaker? Is that like too much? And here's why I ask, like I've met people that are just like, oh, man, I want to do this, I want to take on the world, I want to, you know, and you're like, oh, whoa, slow down there, Sinbad. or if you've ever been on an internet dating site and the girl's got a picture of herself

like jumping out of a parachute and then she's rock climbing and then she's running a marathon and then she's riding a mountain bike and then she's doing like an upside down yoga pose on the beach and then she's doing a Pilates stretch in her living room and she's doing a wheelie on a dirt bike. She's jumping a horse over a tree stump.

She's smashing a car through a wall of fire. Well, that one's a bit much, but the other ones are real. And, you know, I think the girls think, oh, you know, I want to show the world that I'm out there, I'm exciting, that I'm energetic, that I have a lot of, of interest, that I'm athletic, that I, you know, I can do a lot of things. And I look at those pictures and I just go, oh, God, God, too much. I don't want to, I don't want to, you know, every weekend, you know, honey, where are we going

rock climbing today? Well, baby, didn't we just go, like, paragliding last weekend? Well, that was last weekend. Now I need to rock climb. Well, why do you need to rock? climb so when I get to the top of the mountain I can do yoga what what's the matter with you oh right you can't do yoga in the living room well I could but why would I do that when I can do it on the top of a mountain and then when I'm finished I can wrestle a grizzly bear cub you know it's

it's a bit it's a bit daunting it's a bit too much energy for for me I'm like I'm maybe okay with like a bit of that. Like, okay, I admire a person who has some athleticism. I admire a person who has some energy, maybe wants to play tennis or ride a horse here and there. But I got to tell you, if I'm ever on a dating site and four pictures in a row that she's like snowboarding with goggles on and she's got a snow beard, you know, she's skateboarding.

down the side of a Hawaiian volcano. You know, she's falling out of the sky with a, you know, a parachute instructor on her back who looks like he's purving on her and she's just smiling. You know, she's like riding a speedboat or, you know, water skiing. As much as I admire that. I'm like, gosh, that'd be exhausting. I can't keep up with that. And even worse, this is kind of hard to admit.

What if it's emasculating? Like, what if you're going out with a girl that's better at all this outdoor stuff than you are? And you're a man. Hey, Harland, I see your chick and, you know, jump over a herd of cows with a snowboard. Yeah, well, you know, I used to be able to do this. that but not anymore you know you know she's a couple of years younger than me oh okay if you say so dude what about that time she uh she rock climbed uh in her bare feet covered in mayonnaise yeah well i did it covered in vaseline about three years before i even met her so you know i mean i guess what

i'm saying is do you want to compete with your with your with your with your your significant other Do you want to be challenged? Do you want to be in the danger zone? Do you want to risk getting hurt? Do you want to be exhausted? Do you want to be that competitive? Or even if you're, if you've established it that you're a couch potato and she's like very outgoing, do you want to be dragged to the, you know, the Boston Marathon and stand there for nine hours to wait for her to run across the finish line or skin all?

pasty, her mouth hanging open, drool, her hair all sweaty, her muscles atroping or whatever the hell that word is. Sometimes these people run across the finish line and lose all their bodily functions. How about a nice candlelit dinner at the nearest steakhouse with some soft Kenny G in the background and holding hands, staring into each other's eyes? how's your lobster darling well it's pretty good considering i dove into the atlantic ocean and caught it my teeth oh boy here we go again um so i don't know that's the question the harland highway question of the day do you want someone that's got too much get up and go or do you or do you just want to

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hello? Hello? Hey, Arlind. I was calling in about the last Thursday's podcast, you had that kid ask you who your man crush was, and I'm not sure if you were thinking, like, who's your man crush and who you think is a hot guy, but I think more of the man crush is like somebody that you, uh, that he inspires you or do you look up to? and I had a co-worker asking who my man crush was and thought about it for a minute, and I said, Tim Tebow. Wow, Tim Tebow.

I love that guy, man. I don't have a man crush on him, but I definitely think he's an inspiring guy. I agree with you right there on that one. Boy, Tim Tebow, he's one of these guys that just has a great energy. He's a great athlete. I feel like he got kind of screwed over by the NFL.

I feel like there were prejudices against him because he kind of wore his religion on his sleeve and I felt they were afraid of him because he was a bit of an unorthodox athlete he kind of did things a little differently outside of the norm and I feel like, you know, he generated a lot of excitement and thrills with fans because, you know, I think fans always love it

when you get a guy who thinks out of the box and plays differently than everyone else. And I think they kind of cut Tim Tebow out of the NFL without giving him his real shot. And so it's interesting to see Tim now picking up, you know, his athleticism in the baseball world. And it looks like he's pretty good at that sport too. So good choice on Tim Tebow.

I'm with you, bro. Don't have a man crush, but definitely an inspiration. a cool dude and uh thanks for calling in man hey hoarland it's jeff from Tulsa you need to come see us sometime anyway you were talking about man crushes and i've had a man crush for a long time and it's for a couple of reasons but it's gerard butler i've liked that guy the first time i saw him but I noticed him was obviously in 300

and then I didn't know this but he played the phantom in the Phantom of the opera movie that came out in the early 2000. He did such a good job in that. I didn't know that was him. Then he was also

in that Dragon movie was Christian whatever his name is. He's just got that Scottish thing going and he's like And it's not a sexual thing. You just like, if you could be somebody, that's who you'd want to be. It's not a sexual thing, so I totally understand the whole man crush thing.

Because if I could be anybody, if I could make myself like anybody, it would be that guy. It's not a sexual thing. It would be Gerard Butler. It's not a sexual thing. So there you go, man. Have a good day. And we don't do chicken chameen here in Oklahoma. So, uh, barbecue brisket.

Thank, man. Bye. barbecue brisket it's not a sexual thing what oh no no no what the hell are you doing here hello senor what he's senor frantes yes it's my name senor puentes okay i i know your name what are you doing in my podcast studio senor flentes Senor Fuentes, I know your name, stop it. I am just here to ask you something, Signor. Okay, you couldn't wait until I got home and we were in the yard or something?

No, senor, it's very important. I ask you right now. Well, you know I'm in the middle of work, right? Well, I don't know. I just see equipment and what kind of work do you do, senor? I do a podcast, Senor Fentez. whatever that is Is that something you do on the toilet No No it's not something I do on the

What is your question I wanted to see if you wanted to get some head Senor What? I wanted to see if I could give you some head What are you talking about Well I want to give you some head Senor

What do you mean you want to give me some head You know how Now wait a minute Senor it's time I need to give you head What, whoa, whoa, what are you talking about, Fuentes? Well, your sprinklers, signor, some of the heads on your sprinklers are broken. Oh, for God, my sprinkler heads. See, senor, I want to give you new head.

Well, yeah, listen, you can't kind of phrase it like that. What, did I want to give you head? Yes, yes, it's just people will hear that and think, you know, improper thoughts. I don't know why one man can't ask another man. man, if he wants some head. You can, but you have to say sprinkler head so everyone knows what it means. Okay, senor.

I'd like to give you some head for your sprinklers. Okay. What do you need? What do you need from me? Well, I need some money to buy the new sprinkler heads. And then I can slowly twist the heads and they will squirt better, senor. Oh, okay.

Did you hear what I said, Signor? Yes, I heard what you said. Oh, good, okay. So then you are okay with me twisting the head until it squirts, all the pressure builds up? Yes, yes. Fix the sprinklers, and you don't have to talk about slowly twisting the head until the pressure builds up, and it squirts all over the lawn, signor? We know what the sprinkler does, okay?

Thank you very much. I tell you what, Signor, I wish there was a machine to do the head. Well, there isn't a machine. You're just going to have to do it by hand, signor? Yes. I should have known this was a hand job. It's not a hand job. What do you mean?

You said it was a hand job when I was giving head. No, you're not giving a hand. You're not doing a hand job and giving head at the same time. Why not, senor? That's the easiest. way to do it. I give a hand job. I give the head. The pressure builds up. I twist. It squirts all over your grass and stop. Stop. Get out. Why are you so upset, senor? Have you never had a man talked to you about giving head and get? No, I haven't. Get out. What about the hand job,

senor? No. Do you think someday someone will build a machine so I don't have to give a hand job and give head at the same time. Get out of here. People are thinking something totally different. Out! Okay, signor. But you're sure it's okay if I squirt all over the grass. Get out!

God! Unbelievable! Before I go, Signore, how many heads would you like? Stop! Get out! Because depending on how many heads, get the same amount of hand jobs. Get out! God!

Unbelievable! Roger! Don't let him in here anymore. God! I feel dirty and creepy. Jeez, let's shift back to something more normal. And Roger, stop letting him in my studio.

Just because he's my gardener doesn't get to just walk in unannounced. Aye, aye, Anyhow, have any of you guys done this FaceTime thing, the FaceTime with your iPhone? I don't know if the Samsung phones or the Google phones or all the other phones off for FaceTime. I'm sure they do have some form, but if you have an iPhone, it's called FaceTime. And what happens is somebody phones you like a regular phone call except, you know, their picture comes up.

and then you have to decide whether you want to accept it or not accept it. And if you accept it, you get to see their big giant face while you talk, and they get to see yours. And you get to see your own face in a little side window. So you know what you look like. And I don't know. I'm still not 100% used to it. It's a little offsetting.

I did it not too long ago with my sisters. and it was really fun, but I had to instruct them to back up a little bit because they could see right up their noses. They put their iPad or whatever they were using at a precarious angle, and suddenly I was an eye, ear, nose, and throat doctor looking at their deviated septums

and recommending, like, nasal surgery. Well, not really, but that's what it felt like. And then, you know, sometimes, you know, I'll have a buddy call, and he's sitting on the crapper? Or, you know, it's just weird. It's like, you know, we're used to talking on the phone, and even that's starting to become a bit of a rarity.

It almost seems like people just text now, and the phone call is becoming extinct. But this FaceTime thing takes it to a whole different level because now you're reading body language, which is something we all do, whether we like to think about it or not. where we're reading facial expressions, we're reading body language,

where we're seeing reactions in real time if maybe you said something that struck someone in a negative way or if you see them laugh or blah, blah, blah. But it can be a little intrusive. It can be a little too much. But, you know, it's just another one of these modern things where we're dealing with now. So I wonder if you guys dig it.

I'm still kind of the verdict's still out for me. I'm getting used to it. But I feel like the phone calls linger a bit longer when you do a FaceTime. Because it's easier just to go when you're talking when it's just an audio. Yeah, you know what? I got to run, man. But when you're looking at someone, it's not, it feels a little weird to go, you know what?

Yeah, I think we need to stop talking and looking at each other right now so I can hang up. it's almost a little rude so it's a little bit harder to get off the phone it feels like when you're staring at each other and I'm trying to determine is there really a need to stare at each other and I got to tell you man I you know almost every time it's happened to me like I'd say 80% of the time it's just after I got off the racquetball court and I look like a hot steaming pile of brontosaurus crap or it's early in the morning or it's what I'm

of those days where I haven't fixed up my hair and I just looked like a mess and then I'm looking at my own reflection in my phone and I'm like oh great I haven't shaved my hair's all messy I got a zit look at the stupid shirt I'm wearing look at my triple chin oh my God why would anyone why would anyone want to talk to someone with a face like mine you know you start having all these self-doubt issues and insecurities? Not really. But you do notice things. And I'm like, I don't want to be on a phone call

and notice how baggy my waddles getting under my channel. It's kind of gross. Or you see your friends and you go, oh, God, so-and-so looks a little older than I saw when I saw them last time. Ooh, they've aged. Oh, what's that mole on? their cheek oh what's that what's that freckle on their forehead oh what's that what's that new hair do when did their hair get so gray you know you start seeing all these things that so i don't

know just you know throwing it out there fate to face time or not to face time that is the question yikes and we'll leave it right there for you to ponder um and as far as pondering goes i'm I'm right now sitting on, you know, this is a pre-recorded podcast. Right now I am sitting on the mighty Amazon River. I think I told you, like last podcast that I did one of my bucket list trips. And this year it was to, I've always wanted to go down to South America and be part of the Amazon River, float along the Amazon River. So as you listen to this, if you're listening to it right out of the gate,

I'm like trucking on down the Amazon. How weird is that, man? But I'll give you guys an update. I think the next podcast I will be back. And I will let you know whether my Amazon trip was incredible or shitty or in between. But I sure am hoping, this is kind of weird because I'm pre-recording this. So let me say this to myself, I sure am hoping I'm having a good time right now on the Amazon. That seems kind of weird, doesn't it?

But it's true. Maybe I should FaceTime myself right now and see how I'm doing on the Amazon. That makes no sense. So looking forward to telling you guys, giving you the update, and hopefully some fun stories, some fun jungle stories.

But before I go, I'm going to hit you up, hit you up for some announcements. I'm going to be in Vancouver, British Columbia. 11th to the 13th at Yuck Yuck's Comedy Club in British Columbia, Canada. That's May 11th to the 13th at Yuck Yucs. And then I will be motoring down to Tampa, Florida. I'll be at the improv in Tampa, Florida.

That's June 1st through the 4th. Great club, Tampa, Florida, June 1 through 4. And then in the middle of the month, June 15th to the 18th, I will be in Brea, California, at the Improv Embraea, California. Love that club, great club. So there's a few stand-up comedy dates for you to ponder. If you want to see more, go to Harlan-Williams.com. Click on the stand-up link.

You can get all the latest info. And also, while you're there, check out our store. We have a great merchandise store at Harlemwilms.com. And if you want to write to me, you can write to me. There's a contact link at Harlanwilmwilms.com. Or if you want a phone call me and leave me a message on the answering machine, 323-739-43330, 3-2-3-7-39-43-30. The number is on the website.

And maybe I'll play your little ditty, your little phone message on the air, your man crushes on the air, Tim Tebow and the Scottish guy and, you know. Also, don't forget, you can get the free app for the Harland High. Highway on your cell phone, just go to your app store, type in the Harland Highway, and boom, you get it for free. The most current 50 episodes are yours for free, and if you want the whole Harland Highway collection starting at episode 1, 20 bucks a year to become a premium member, and also you get bonus stuff that only our premium members get.

So a lot of cool stuff happening. Don't forget to keep checking out my Disney show, the Puppy Dog. papers if you have kids or not the puppy dog pals I should say not the puppy dog papers a puppy dog pals if you have kids they will love it getting a great reaction and thank you all for watching and also if you want some music for me check out my new album the cousins rattlesnake love on iTunes and all your digital platforms the cousins my cousin Kevin Hearn from the bare naked ladies and I put out an album called Rattlesnake Love, and it's getting some really positive feedback as well.

So look at that. I must be doing something right. What is this? I'm thinking. All right, that's it for now, everybody. Thank you for being here. You are the breast. And keep it real in the deal.

And until next time, chicken. Chalman, baby. Barbecue brisket. Thank you.