The Harland Highway - 867 - Harland returns from the AMAZON JUNGLE. Work out pills and spiders

Episode Date: May 8, 2017

Harland returns from his trip into the AMAZON rain forest. Exercise pills. Update on MELVIN the spider. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sweet Christmas crumbull cake. Hello, everybody. This is Harlem Williams. You are rolling down the Harlan Highway. Or should I say boating down the Harland Highway? Yeah, today is the day I made it back from my Amazon River excursion. As promised, I told you I'd give you a full report. So on today's show, I'm going to tell you all about how my adventure down the Amazon River went.

Some exciting stuff. cool stuff. I really enjoyed it, so I can't wait to get into that and tell you about that. Also, we are going to talk about, it's hard to believe, you know, it seems like they invent a pill for everything, but it looks like scientists are now working on what they call an exercise pill. Apparently, you can take this pill and it will give you the same effects as if you did like an hour and a half workout. Are you kidding me? So we'll talk about that. And also we have an update from one of the pavement pounders who it looks like is made friends with an acronid or whatever it's called. I don't know what you call spiders, acrophoids or something. One of our listeners

took my advice and made friends with a spider that he was going to kill. So wait to you hear this phone call. It's all here right now on the Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did.

Chick-chic-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall. Oh, man, baby. I'm the creature from all the space. Please don't stop. I got to feed an ugly face. Magnificent performance. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you.

Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Oh, yeah. There it is. You hear it? Oh, listen to those sounds. It's the jungle.

It's the jungle. It's the rainforest. It's the Amazon. Oh, listen to that. It's music, isn't it, a symphony of critters of birds and frogs and amphibians and reptiles? and Kamens and oh god yes yes I'm back I survived I survived the Amazon ladies and gurgled Ergins wow and I got to tell you man what a trip what an incredible trip down the Amazon River the mighty Amazon River a bucket list type of trip you know I talked about it at the

beginning of the year in January. I said, every year, if we can, we should try and do something that's outside of the box, out of our comfort zone, something different, a bucket list thing, something that you've always wanted to do, something you've dreamed of, something that excites you, something that stimulates you, maybe scares you, maybe entices you, maybe seduces you, and I've always wanted to do it. I've always wanted to cruise. down the Amazon River, the longest river in the world. Yeah, 4,345 miles long, ladies and gentlemen. Full of critters and Kaman's and, oh my God, piranha!

I got to tell you, man, it was overwhelming in a way. It was just more than I ever imagined. It's such a, it's such a blossoming environment, so lush with its vegetation, so rich, with its wildlife, its birds, amphibians, reptiles, fish. Just, oh, God, it's one of these things where I almost don't know if I can describe it. But it was something that's always fascinated me, you know, I grew up watching nature. documentaries and, uh, you know, imagining what it would be like and hearing the stories and seeing the pictures and the film clips. And, uh, boy, oh boy, it's so majestic. It's so mighty. It's

it's so, it's so big and powerful and, you know, you just, you just feel the force of nature when you're there. It's, uh, it's very powerful. And it's very beautiful. And it's very beautiful. And, and And let me tell you what I did. I took a bunch of flights there. The hell part was getting there, okay? I had to fly from L.A. to another place to Lima, Peru, to Aquitos to, oh, God. And we had delays and we had this and that. The flying there was the hell part.

The Amazon was easy after the flying. Long flights, a lot of flights, three different flights to get there, three different flights to get home, but worth every second of it. We got there and we boarded a small boat, and I don't mean small like a motorboat. It was like a small cruise boat that only had, I think, 10 rooms in it. And when I say rooms, these rooms were stunning. I mean, these rooms, they were nicer rooms than you'd find in most. fancy hotels, great big wide beds and couches, incredible showers, artwork on the walls, and then

here's the real kicker. You ready? The wall, the fourth wall facing the river wasn't a wall at all. It was just a giant wall of glass. So when you're laying on your bed, you're just looking out at the Amazon River floating by. And in my case, in our case, I went with my buddy Michael Rosenbaum. I don't know if you remember Michael Lex Luthor from Smallville. He had his room next to mine, and we were on the lower level, so we were rate at water level. So when we opened our curtains in the morning, we were literally, like, rate at the level of the Amazon River and just floating along. and you get, you know, the Amazon's so big, there's always stuff floating by trees, whole trees and stumps and

hyacinth, which is like a water plant, big clumps of hyacinth, and then you're seeing the tree line on the opposite shore and the clouds and the sky. It was this operation, this boat operation that did this tour is unbelievable. First class. Unbelievable. I'll tell you more about that. But first I want to get to the nature part of it. We had such a good time. So basically you're on this bigger boat. And then every day, every morning and every afternoon, they have smaller boats like motorboats attached to the side of the big boat. So there's four of them. And, and they break up the customers, and they put them, you know, they pop them into these motorboats. And then basically you go down the river and take like side rivers, like tributaries that flow into the Amazon.

And you go back down these and these kind of go right into the jungle. So you're going right down into the jungle and then it's the rainy season. So the water's like 30 miles flooded. It's a big floodplain, right? So normally, let's say you've ever been in a forest or you have a cottage or even, why don't we say your yard, okay? So you walk around in your yard and on your street all day long, all year long. But in the Amazon rainforest during the rainy season, which is half the year, the forest's flood and go 30, 40, 50, 60 miles back and come like 10 feet. up on the trees.

So you can basically, if you can picture this, you can take a boat and you can drive a boat through a forest. You're just like maneuvering around trees. Except because this is a yearly event, what's happened is when the jungles flood, water plants and vegetation emerge. And it's just like you're driving through this big incredible marsh or swamp with trees and lush water plants and oh my god it's it's it's it's amazing and then of course up in the trees you've got like a you know 50 different species of monkeys running all around you've

got you've got birds galore you've got hawks and eagles and cranes and parrots macaques parakeets everywhere you look there's something moving something alive then you've got lizards and salamanders and army ants and then in the water you got Cayman which is a smaller version of a crocodile they get about six seven feet long they inhabit the waters there and then of course the waters are filled with piranha actually went in swimming in the Amazon River I said to my guy there's piranha in here isn't there he goes yeah they're everywhere I was like I don't care I'm only going to be here once I'm jumping in

I swam around in the Amazon River, I'm proud to say. I think everything's still there. And then we went fishing for piranha. I actually caught piranha. Man, they're vicious. You throw your line in with some meat on it, and they just swarm it. It's like, Chris. And then I, by the way, I went swimming after I caught the piranha.

So I already knew they were there. I already knew they were hungry, but I was like, screw it. I'm on an adventure, man. And then, of course, there's this rare kind of dolphin called the pink dolphin. It's a unique species of dolphin to the Amazon, and its coloration is pink like a flamingo because of the plankton it eats and so forth and so on. We saw some of those. We caught an anaconda.

This thing must have been about, I don't know, 9, 10 feet long. Picked it up, wrapped it around my neck. I could feel it squeezing my neck. It was kind of freaky. I was holding it behind its head. And it's just coiling around my neck. It was like, it was wicked. And then at night we drove down these rivers with a flashlight

and you shine the flashlight and the eyes light up of the Cayman. And so my guide said, how would you like to go on the front of the boat, lay down on the front, and we'll come up on the Cayman. and you can grab a crocodile right out of the water. And no one in the boat wanted to do it, but I sure did. I said, yep, put me in there. So I went right to the front of the boat. We must have chased five Cayman.

I never got my hands around one of their necks, but I didn't touch one. I reached my hand down, and I got it on the back, but it escaped my grip. But the guide got one, and he handed it to me, and I get to hold a wild Cayman right out of the water, out of the Amazon, hold it up in front of the rest of the boat and got my picture taken, like I'm some kind of wild Cayman hunter.

Oh, man, and then we went to a little village. Little villages, there's tribal peoples that live on the, deep in the jungle, and on the shores in various places, and one of the little boys came in his canoe, and guess what he had hanging on? his neck. That's right. A baby sloth. I don't know if there's anything cuter on planet Earth than baby sloths. I think they would make E.T. look uncute. That's how cute sloth baby sloths are. Oh, my God. Just so, of course, the kid let me hold it, and I got to

hold them. We were doing Eskimo kisses. The little baby sloth was rubbing my nose. If you want to see video footage of it, go to my Instagram. I just posted it on Instagram. You can see the little baby sloth giving me nose kisses. Oh, did I want to take them? Oh, did I want to kid? I'm sure

there was about to be an amber alert in the Amazon jungle. I wanted to kidnap that little so cute. I would never, but so adorable. Wait do you see the video on my Instagram at Harland Williams, Instagram. Oh, boy. And what else?

Oh, my God. The anaconda, the sloths, the piranhas, the lizards, the monkeys. Oh, I should mention this. A giant tarantula, the size of a dessert plate crawled all over me. Uh-huh. It's called a ruby-footed or a red-footed tarantula. This thing was huge. And I asked my god, I said, can I pick him up?

And he goes, okay? And I put my arm up, and this thing crawled all over me. I thought if I'm here, I might as well experience everything. So it was fantastic, man. I mean, I could go on the whole show and blah, blah, blah, but I'm just giving you the broad strokes. Every bend you went around There was a different type of bird

There's a different type of monkey Some of them were aloof And stayed way up in the treetops And some of them came right down to the edge of the water If we had stayed where we were A couple of them would have jumped in our boat We had to back away And sloths

We saw sloths up in the trees These things move about as fast as a popcorn fart I mean you thought snails were were slow. Holy God, sloth. A snail could smoke a sloth. These are the slowest things you've ever seen in your life, but that's what makes them adorable. So we saw sloths, beautiful sunsets. I took a camera with a really long zoom lens. Boy, was it good. It was pretty much. It was pretty everything I had hoped it would be, you know, as far as the nature and, you know, there's a little bit of culture in there because we did mingle a little bit with some of the, the, the little

villages that we found deep in the jungle, but it was 90% nature, man, every day going out and doing it. And then here's the, here's the real kicker. This expedition that I went with just unbelievably amazing. I'm going to give you the name of the place because all I can do is recommend you do this. All I can do is recommend you do this because the boat and the staff and the crew and the facilities,

it was first class all the way. It would be the equivalent of checking into a fancy hotel and getting the best room. and the best service. But this outfit's called Aqua Expeditions, okay, in Peru. And the website is Aquaexpeditions.com. Aqua Expeditions.com. I recommend it.

If you've ever had a hankering for this type of adventure, I can, I don't want you to hold me to my feet to the fire, but I can almost guarantee you will just come back and go, that was one of the best trips of my life. Because they really go all out to make you feel safe, comfortable. The food was, the equivalent to the type of food you'd get in a five-star restaurant. Here we are floating down the Amazon. And, of course, there's a dining room with candles on the table,

and it's all glass. So while you're eating, you're looking out on the Amazon River, floating by and there's a lounge upstairs and there was there was a masseuse's room and there was a bar and there was a hot tub out on the deck there and remember this only has 10 sweets in it so there was only about 30 28 30 people on the on the boat customers there was more staff than there was customers and that just added to it, man, because it's like you'd go out and rough it all day. You'd get out there and trek through the jungle and be searching for anacondas and spiders

and this and that. And then it's like you came home to like a five-star resort hotel at night with delicious dining. It wasn't just dining. This was cuisine. I mean, they prepared local fish right from the Amazon. They had all kinds of incredible food, which is something I didn't. really care about that much. I was like, you know what? Just get me to the Amazon. I want to see it.

And then I got this. And it was like, wow, bonus, man. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your

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So there you go. I mean, I don't know if you guys have any more questions. I don't want to use up the whole podcast going on about it, but it was, it was. Then a 10 out of 10, that's my grade, 10 out of 10. So if you have any more questions, feel free to call in 323739, 43330 and ask me about it. Or you can write me at harlwiliams.com, and I'll be glad to share more info. If you guys tell me you want to hear more about it, I'll tell you some more, but I don't want to drone on about it.

But in closing, it was very fulfilling for a couple of reasons. You know, I got to absorb and be part of this unique and special part of the world. I got to touch it, feel it, smell it, hold it, be part of it. And that's very nurturing, and that stays with you for the rest of your life. And then the second part of is I also got to fulfill a thing for 2017 where I promised myself like I do every year to get outside of my box, do something fresh, something new, something I've never done before.

And I did that. So all round a win, win, win. and I'll leave it right there. If you want to keep seeing more pictures and more video clips of my trip, just join my Instagram. I'll be posting stuff over the next two weeks so you can see it, all right?

So there are enough about my trip. And like I said, if you guys ever want to do this thing, aquaexpeditions.com. Your Amazon. adventure awaits. Yeah. Hello. Hello.

Hey, how are we? This is Jeff from Tucson with Melvin, the spider. So I'm taking your advice. I'm walking down now. Oh, I just saw him. Hey, Melvin, what's up? He just went into his little cocoon, which I didn't see before. so he's on like the side of the steps and he's got this like round cocoon thing where he gets he hides in and waits for bugs or whatever

so he oh there he is I can see him I'll get a picture of him and send it to you hey Melvin what's up Melvin why are you hiding normally he's out and he's hiding hey Melvin

Parlin says, oh, how are you doing? He says, we should be friends. He said, I should talk to you. Like a raving lunatic. Yep. There's nobody around, so I guess I don't have to worry about being cold nuts or anything. Hey, Melvin, come on out.

Well, that's the first time he's hiding, so I don't know what's going on. Hey, Melvin, I'll try to find you a bug and put it on your web thing. well that's about all for melvin for today he's hiding um oh long let me hit his let me hit his thing with a little stick and see if he comes out well he ain't coming out now that i'm trying to be friends with him he just doesn't want to come out or maybe he was eating up but I did see him run in there. So, oh, well, there's always tomorrow. Hey, Melvin.

See you tomorrow. Ha, ha. Oh, my God. That made me laugh. Jeff, thank you for the laugh, bro. That cracked me up. Okay, so if you aren't in on this phone call, we did a podcast, I think it was last week,

where we did the listener mailbag. And Jeff had written a letter about he's a night security guard, and on his walkabout, he often sees this very large, intimidating, scary spider. He's out in Tucson, Arizona, and it's outside, and he inquired, should I kill it? Should I throw it over the fence? Should I banish it? and I suggested that he go the other way and form a relationship with the spider,

give it a name, perhaps Melvin, and it sounds like that's what Jeff has done, and in personalizing said spider, it would become more endearing, and it would become a point of interest, and it would become a friend, and it would help occupy Jeff's time when he's doing his late-night walkabout, and maybe even give them something to look forward to and who knows where it goes from there. Maybe Jeff and Melvin go to the drive-in movies. Maybe Jeff and Melvin vacation in Bermuda.

Maybe Jeff and Melvin, you know, go to a strip club together. Maybe they go out for a drive-thru. Who knows where this could go? I think it's a beautiful thing, but it cracked me up. to hear Jeff, you know, actually talking to the spider now. A spider that just weeks ago, he was planning its murder. He was planning its death and now he's given it a name and he was looking for him and he was talking to him and he, you see, he's building bridges.

Jeff is building spider bridges. He's building webs. He's reaching out in a psychoanalytical way. Jeff is heading into his fears and not retreating from his fears. And this is good therapy, Jeff. Good for you. Keep the dialogue open. Keep the channels open.

Let Melvin know that you're willing to communicate, that you're willing to talk, that you're starting to build the foundation of a friendship. Oh, that cracked me up, man. Well, you know, if nothing else, At least it's going to give you something to look forward to on your nightly shift, which is what I kind of told you it would do. And whether you like it or not, Jeff, now you have kind of gone around the corner

where Melvin is more than a spider now. Melvin is something that holds a little bit of importance in your life now. And you might even become protective of Melvin. I dare say that if Melvin ever passed away or Melvin wasn't, there one day, I dare say you might feel sadness in your heart that Melvin is not there. So be careful. Be careful how deep you get with Melvin. But I'm glad that you're starting.

You're building something together and keep us posted, Jeff. We're wishing you the best. You, Jeff and Melvin, the spider. Something really wrong is going on. It's the great one you are out of order. You're out of order. You're out of order. All right.

Speaking of out of order, I have to read this to you guys. It's a nutty headline that caught me off guard. It says an exercise pill may replace workouts in the future. Ah? I mean, is that what we need here in the old USA? A pill? listen to this anyone with a job kids or a hectic life knows fitness isn't always easy then there are the folks who can't exercise at all be it due to a pre-existing health condition or old age if you're among those groups who want to reap the physical and emotional benefits of working out what are you to do

turns out a still developing quote exercise pill may hold the answer in the future a new study published identified a chemical compound that help increase athletic endurance by 70% in mice. Why do they always test stuff on mice? Why don't they just get people that want to be tested on? Though the benefit may not necessarily translate in humans, researchers say their study results could hold promise for a day when non-exercisers can enjoy a better mood, improved heart health and a longer lifespan without breaking a sweat. Boy, can you just see that? Everyone's sitting around at McDonald's?

Yeah, I just finished my Big Mac. I better get another Coke to wash down my workout pill. Yeah, I'm going to work out. I'm going to work out while I'm watching America's funniest videos on the couch. In their study, authors from this people who did the study report, that activating a genetic pathway typically triggered by running produce the same benefits of exercise, including stamina and fat loss without movement.

Oh, I think I'll work out and have a nap. Can you wake me up in four hours, honey? I'm working out. It says it's well known that people can improve their aerobic endurance through training. The question for us was, how does endurance work? And if we really understand the science, can we replace training with a drug? That's a little scary.

I mean, I'm sure they can. I mean, they've got a drug for everything else, don't they? In a previous study, researchers found that sedentary mice that were genetically engineered to have permanently activated gene called P-P-A-R, had better markers for physical fitness than ordinary sedentary mice. In particular, the mice developed long-distance running skills, tended to burn more fat, and were more responsive to insulin. The study identified that the chemical,

which mimicked the fat-burning and insulin responses, benefits, but fell short because it did not lead the rodents to become long-distant runners unless they exercise daily. okay um so pretty weird in the current study researchers tweaked their method to try and find a formula can mimic the effects of exercise without the need for movement they again used formerly sedentary mice but they administered a higher dose of the drug and increased the administration period from four to eight weeks they put these mice on treadmills and found that it didn't take the drug, those that didn't take the drug could run for 160 minutes, but those who did

take the drug run about 70% longer or about 270 minutes. The mice continue to be more responsive to insulin and resistant to weight gain. Isn't there something already out there called cocaine? Isn't that, don't they, don't we have this already? I believe cocaine is already out on the market. Just legalize it like you do pot. When researchers took a closer look, it was going on molecularly. They found the chemical triggered a gene

to switch from burning sugar to burning fat. An important marker for preserved brain function and endurance. Researchers also analyzed the mice. Mises. Now that's always, see, they've got it here, Mises with an apostrophe S, and part of me was about to say Mises, but that's not right. Researchers also analyzed the Mesa's muscles, no, the Mises muscles, and to their surprise,

found that the mice who took the exercise drug didn't have additional mitrochondria. The main drivers for energy in cells, blood vessels, or more tissue that burns fat instead of sugar. To the researchers, that proved the benefits. of aerobic exercise don't have to be attained through exercise itself. This drug works too. Wow. So it's showing that we can do the same thing without mechanical training. It means you can improve the endurance to the equivalent level as someone in training without all the physical effort.

Next, researchers are working to identify a pharmaceutical company that can develop clinical traits to test the drugs in humans. If it's successful, not only could the exercise pill signal the end of gyms, it also may help improve the United States staggering obesity and type 2 diabetes rates. According for the Centers of Disease Control Prevention, more than one-third of adult Americans are obese and about two-thirds are overweight. Well, about 9.3% of Americans have diabetes. Yeah, I think that's the cure.

I think the cure for diabetes, obesity, and being overweight, is a workout pill. And if you don't mind, could you make it taste like chocolate and maybe put some cream in the middle of it? And, you know, maybe I could take five of them and just lay in bed all day, not even go to work. Can you make me a pill that does work? Can you make me a pill that does my taxes? Can you make me a pill that'll turn on my television? Can you make me a pill that just fucking kills me? I mean, isn't part of going to the gym also the idea of movement and feeling good

and letting your tissues and your bones and your fibers feel some kind of resistance or some type of stress kind of makes you feel alive. I mean, what are we going to do with sports guys in the future? Yeah, look at those Super Bowl players. They're all just laying down on the field waiting for the wind to blow their ball their way, you know. So I don't know, man.

Where does this all go? Are we just going to be like floating little bags of dust one day? very strange very strange i'll leave you to ponder would you be willing to take a exercise pill if they existed or would you want to get out there and you know get out there and do stuff be active we'll see they can't imagine the olympics there he goes there goes the brit the Kenyan, the American, the Australian and the Russian, they're at the starting gate, they're unrolling their sleeping bags, and they're getting inside, and I'm trying to talk very quietly, because the starter pistol's about to, oh, there it goes, and they've all fallen

asleep. I don't know. Anyways, I'll leave you thinking about that. We'll end it right there. Today show is a little different because I had to get you caught up on my amazing adventure down the Amazon River. I hope you enjoyed my report. I hope maybe it inspires you to follow your dream and maybe go somewhere, not the Amazon, but anywhere in the world that you've always wanted to go. Take the time in your life to visit somewhere and experience somewhere. I hope you get that chance, and it maybe doesn't even have to be in another kind of. country. It could be, you could live in Minnesota and be like, you know, I've always wanted to go down to the Florida Everglades. We'll do it. It doesn't have to be on the other side of the

world. But, you know, try something. Try something a little different. So there you go. Let's talk about what's going on with me. If you want to try something a little different, come to my stand-up show. I'm going to be in Vancouver, British Columbia this weekend. Yeah. Starting Thursday, May 11th to the 13th. That's Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Come out to yuck yucks in Vancouver, British Columbia this weekend. And then June 1st through the 4th, you can catch me in Tampa, Florida at the improv. Oh, yeah. And then June 15th.

15th through the 18th, I will be in Brea, California, the improv in Brea, California. So come and check it out, man. Also, get your free app for the Harlan Highway on your cell phone. Just go to your app store, type in the Harlan Highway. And also, don't forget to become a premium member for $20 a year. You get to hear all the episodes we've ever done. And if you want to write to me, you can write me at harlough williams.com. If you want to call me, 323-739-43330, 3-2-3-3-9-4-3-3-0.

And lastly, we have a beautiful little store at harlornwilliams.com. If you want to pick up some fun merchandise, we'll mail it out to you. So that's it for today. Thank you for being here, everybody. you are the best hope you're doing great melvin the spider oh hope you're doing great and that's it for now until next time chicken chow maine baby