The Harland Highway - 872 - BOY GEORGE calls the show. The perils of SMILING. TV remote ANGER

Episode Date: May 25, 2017

BOY GEORGE calls the show to talk about laughing. The perils of SMILING. TV remote ANGER from Harland. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

On the good ship, Harland Highway, pop it to get. No, wrong, wrong song, wrong era, wrong everything. Hey, it's Harlan Williams here. You are rolling down the Harlan Highway with me, your host, Harlem Williams. Amazing show today. We're going to take a call from one of the pavement pounders. That's something we like to do here. Also, I'm going to have a pissed-off segment. There's something that's really been pissing me off at this particular time of year, like anger seeing red pissing me off. Also, a very important question of the day that could have something to do with how you look physically and how you extend or shorten your lifespan.

This is a very, very important question of the day. And then rumor has it that rock, rock star rock star pop idol boy george will be calling into the show from the united kingdom uh i don't know what he wants but uh he's called the show a few times he's kind of taken the place of george michael who passed away and so i guess he likes to kind of call in and and keep us connected to the united kingdom so a lot going on here today on the harland iway and plus i'm going to talk a little bit about my new stand-up comedy special where i'm doing it as a dog. So here we go. This is

the Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-chic-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall-main, baby. I'm the creature from all of us, baby.

Please don't stop. I got it. This is an ugly face. Magnificent performance. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say?

We get down to business. All right. All right. I don't want to start. The podcast off angry. I don't want to be angry. But something's been happening lately that's been really, really, really

pissing me off. Don't piss me off. This is Harland Williams. You're really pissing me off. You're starting to piss me off, you little pigless some bitch. You pissed me off. Shut up. You're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck, these fucking assholes, the fuck is their problem, man.

Oh, yeah. You know I'm pissed off when you hear that, right? Oh, yeah. Here's what it is. Check it out. So I'm a Canadian boy, and I love me my hockey. You know, us Canadian boys, we grow up on our hockey. Now, it's the hockey playoffs. It's the NHL playoffs. It's down to the Super Bowl of hockey. They're playing for the Stanley Cop. And I like to tape the shows. I like to tape the hockey games, like DVR them,

so I can speed through all the incessant delays that all sports games have. You know, you watch football on Sunday, and there's like nine hours of commercials and half-time shows and like 14 minutes of actual football game. So with hockey, it's the same thing. You got a lot of starting and stopping and commercials and penalties and this and that. So I like to DVR and just fast forward to when they drop the puck

and the players are playing. And then when the whistle blows and the action stops, I fast forward to where they drop the puck again. So I'm just watching constant action, but here's what happens. Herein lies my dilemma, and I believe me, I got so pissed off the other day. I almost threw my remote at the wall. It takes a lot to get the kid pissed off, but this is what happened. I'm fast-forwarding through, and I see that they're dropping the buck, so I hit stop, I hit play.

Okay, I'm done fast forward. I don't want to go forward any further because if I do, I will see what I might not want to see. I might see a goal scored. And then I lose the element of surprise, and then it defeats the whole purpose of watching the game because you kind of sit there on the edge of your seat

waiting for a goal to happen. But if you fast forward and you see that it's happened, you're like, oh, damn it. So what happens with my remote, and I think it's out to get me, is I'll press play, you know, and it doesn't connect. It doesn't click. It just keeps going fast forward.

And I'm like, oh, no, oh, no. And I press play again. And I press stop. And I press pause. And it's not catching. The infrared signal is not connecting. And so it just keeps fast forwarding. And then sure enough, somebody scores a goal.

And I can't unsee it. I mean, I didn't watch the goal. happened. I didn't see all the, all the passes and the eloquent skating and the choreographed passes and all the artistry of the goal. I just saw it super subsonic light speed. All these players flying around at the speed of sound and I'm going to pop and then all of a sudden they're all hugging in a circle and I'm like, damn it, they got a goal. And so what I'm pissed off about is when my damn remote doesn't stop when I hit stop. Oh, it gets under my scan.

Oh, it gets me mad. Oh, it gets me pissed off. So I just had to vent a little. I don't know if maybe I'm living in the Stone Ages. And, you know, the remote I have is a number of years old. And so maybe there's better remotes now that are more accurate. Maybe the infrared signal is more precise. More in tune.

Maybe I'm just an antiquated old TV loser who deserves what he gets because he's got an old remote. I don't know. But that still doesn't take away the pain, the suffering, the anguish of seeing a goal scored before I want it to be seen. And I just get pissed off. So I just had to get that out of my system. My little pissed off segment. And now we can just get right into the funny. and the frivolity, and the silly and the happy and the fun.

Oh, no, Charles, Nelson Riley. Oh, oh, no, oh. Hello? Hello. Hey, Harlan. This is Tony. Uh, I just wanted to comment on your piece about the toilet from the Toilet Institute.

That was a bunch of BS. BS. They made it sound scientific, but they were clearly hacks just trying to sell more toilet parts because think about it. They were talking about how that piece of paper doesn't help on the toilet seat and putting toilet paper on the toilet seat increases the surface area. That is complete nonsense, but the big nonsense is they were complaining about the fecal plume. Remember that? plume, that blast fecal matter all over the toilet and the toilet paper, that's going to get on the toilet seat. The fecal plume, fecal matter is going to be all over the toilet seat, so how can you say that

paper isn't going to help? It's not about bacteria getting through the paper. The fecal matter is all over the toilet seat. How could you miss that? How could they say that? All right, just trying to help you out, Harlan. All right. Well, I don't know how they could say that, or how they could do that.

What were they talking about again? The fecal matter. Oh, yeah, and it's going to get, help me out here, it's going to get... That's going to get on the toilet seat. Yeah, yeah, the fecal plume, right? The fecal plume, remember that, the plume that blasts fecal matter all over the toilet and the toilet paper? Yeah, the fecal plume. it's about bacteria getting on the toilet paper, right?

It's not about bacteria getting through the paper. The fecal matter is all over the toilet seat. Right, right, from the fecal plume, right? Remember that? Fecal plume. Yeah, it's going to get on the toilet seat, right? Fecal matter's going to be all over the toilet seat. Exactly.

How could I miss that? How could you miss that? I don't know. I mean, they said it. How could they say that? I don't know. I feel bad that I missed it. All the fecal plume and paper and toilet seat stuff.

I missed it. All right, just trying to help you out, Harlan. Thanks, man. I feel like I've been walking around in some kind of fecal cloud or something. A fecal plume? Yeah, yeah, a plume. Anyways, man, thanks for calling, all right? Pretty cool.

Thanks for straightening that all up. Like, totally clear in my head now. Thanks for your passion. All right, just trying to help you out, Harlan. All right. hey thanks no honestly thanks man no worries glad we totally glad we cleared that up um anyways let's let's move on to something here that i find uh kind of interesting um just smile a lot i figure you must smile a lot pavement pounders if you're listening to this show you know we're always trying to put

a smile on your face hopefully uh we're successful in making you smile a lot but here's a question And Roger, I think this might be the Harland Highway question of the day. What do you think? Yeah. The Harland Highway Question of the day. I think it's an important question. Here it is. What would happen if you didn't smile?

That's a big question. What would happen if you didn't smile? What would the world be like if you didn't smile? Well, here's a story about it in the newspaper area. Let's read it. Choosing not to smile could prevent wrinkles. No joke. Smiling causes skin to overlap around the eyes.

Over time, wrinkles form. If someone chose not to smile, they may have skin that looks more youthful despite possibly looking joyless. Dr. Robert Anolic, a fellow of the American Academy of Dermatology, said, In the near term, there would be no deep lines forming at the crow's feet area. In the long run, someone wouldn't develop as many permanent creases or deeper creases as the crow's feet.

So, uh-oh, maybe I'm making all of you listening. If I'm doing my job right and making you laugh, I'm aging you, man. Uh-oh. I'm making all of you look old. Uh-oh. this story is not a good endorsement for the Harland Highway podcast. Oh, but wait, there's more. Here we go.

I might have spoke too soon. It says lack of expression won't prevent all wrinkles, though. It says most wrinkles, those on the cheeks and around the mouth or under the eyes, aren't caused by muscle contraction, but actually ultraviolet light exposure. Does that mean my remote? My damn remote? Is that why it's not working? ultraviolet lights bouncing off my face and getting absorbed by my cheat.

What am I? Okay. They say that frowning actually causes more wrinkles in the brow than smiling. So there you go. It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. That's why it should be easier for people to put on a happy face. Avoiding to smile could also affect psychological wellness. Okay, so here's the payoff, gang. It may make you look a little bit older, but I'm good for your mental health.

It says right here, smiling is one of the fastest and easiest ways to create social connection between people. Research shows social connection is the greatest predictor of long-term levels of happiness. Research is showing smiling decreases stress and could even increase your lifespan. Ha-ha! Hello, you can put the check in the mail, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. That's pretty cool, man. So it's weird.

I may be making you look a little bit older, but inside, even though you look older, I'm making you live longer. How about them apples? So there you go. Whatever you do, don't stop smiling. I'm here to make sure that you don't stop smiling. Keep on smiling and live a little longer. Why should you smile?

I just told you, the Harland Highway question of the day. The Harland Highway Question of the day. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hey, we know you probably hit play to escape your business banking, not think about it. But what if we told you there was a way to skip over the pressures of banking?

By matching with a TD Small Business Account Manager, you can get the proactive business banking advice and support your business needs. Ready to press play? get up to $2,700 when you open select small business banking products. Yep, that's $2,700 to turn up your business. Visit td.com slash small business match to learn more. Conditions apply. Hey, Arland, there's someone on line three. Yeah, no, I'm doing a bit about the thing that happened in one.

Hello? Roger, no. No, no, no. Not boy, George. No, oh, come on. I told you not to put them. through. Hello, I'm this boy George calling. Oh, come on. Hello, boy. It's boy George, okay? It's two names together side by side. Boy, George. All right, George. I'm in the middle of a...

Boy, George, okay? It's two fucking names. Boy, George. It's not boy. It's not George. It's not George. It's Boy, George. Oh, come on. I went through this with George Michael when he was alive. Yes, a very good friend of mine, and I'm well aware of how you took the piss out of him all the time. Now, just, can you know, just get it right? It's boy, George.

All right, all right. What are you phoning for? I was in the middle of my show. Well, I heard you talking about the wrinkle factor around your eyes from laughing, Holland. Okay. Yes, we've done that. We just did that segment. Well, you know, look, I'm in show business.

I have to keep my youthful looks. I pride myself on having a rather youthful appearance, Ireland. Okay, what's that got to do with me? Well, you know, I'll be honest, even though I don't always agree with you. You two make me laugh from time to time. You give me a chuckle. You give me a giggle. And in a way, I feel like you're responsible.

for aging me well you know what I'll be honest with you boy it's uh it's boy fine George you know what if you don't get it right is what I'm gonna do I'm gonna come over to the United States of America I'm gonna go to the local grocery store I'm gonna buy a right fucking eggplant and I'm gonna fucking shove it up your fighting nose so you look like a fucking eggplant walrus all right calm down Now, what about your face and your laugh wrinkles? Well, I wasn't talking about my face and the wrinkles around my eyes what you were talking about, but you are responsible for giving me wrinkles.

Well, what do you mean on your forehead? I know, I've got wrinkles somewhere else, and I'm not happy about it because, you know, I think it's aging me, and I don't like it, and, you know, it's not pleasant. Well, if it's not around your forehead and it's not around your eyes... Well, it's sort of around one of my eyes. Okay, your left eye or your right eye? Well, the wrinkles I'm talking about are around my... Uh, shall we put it delicately, Arland?

Yes. Uh, they're around my brown eye. Your what? Around my brown eye, Arland. What the hell is your brown eye? Well, you aren't clue. You want one minute. Draw you a map then, Nancy Drew?

All right, if you go, uh, if you take a left turn around me bolsack, and then you take a right turn around me left testicle, and you go north by north-west up my right ass cheek, and south by northeast down my left-ass cheek, you're going to find me brown eye hiding right there like a one-eyed mongoose in the fighting African tindergrass. What, wait a minute, are you talking about... I'm talking about my wrinkly little asshole is what it is, Harlan.

What, oh my God, boy! It's Boy George! Look at this, I'm gonna come over there on a fine taxi cab, run over your fighting head, take the fucking pink paste up off the road, put it in a picture frame, and tell everyone this is what a fucking night sandwich looks like. Would you calm down?

God! I'm doing a show about wrinkles and laugh lines and around your eyes, and you're talking about... I'm talking about my wrinkly little brown eye, me ace hole. We're not talking about your ace... Your eye... Acehole. It's not pronounced ace hall.

It's asshole. Well, it may be asshole where you come from. But over here in the United Kingdom, it's ace hole. Oh my God. Now, the way I see it, I got a mirror out the other night, and I was counting the wrinkles around me brown eye. We do not want to talk about the wrinkles around your brown eye. It looks like, have you ever eaten a sour patch kid, Ireland?

What, that's sour candy? Yeah, that's right. And you know, you eat a sour patch kid, and your mouth goes old tangy, and you purse your lips and they get all wrinkly. Okay. Well, that's what my brown eye looks like. It looks like, uh, looks like, my asshole was eating a bag of Sower Patch kids. All right.

Good God, dude. I don't want to talk about this. I was talking about the laugh lines on your face. Well, don't be yelling at me all. And you're the one responsible. You made me laugh so on me. My ass, my ice hose got all wrinkily around. the edges.

Your, your ace hole, your ass, your anus, your, ice hole has not become wrinkly because I made you laugh.

Just for for reasons that I don't know, okay, for reasons that have to do with human anatomy, I do believe that the human, I can't believe

I'm talking about this, asshole, has naturally formed wrinkles around it. Well, they weren't always there. When I was a younger boy, they weren't there, and I think ever since I started listening to your podcast and I'm laughing and giggling, I've got laugh lines all around me little brown eye,

and it looks, I'm telling you, it looks like me ace hole's been eating sourpads kids. It's just a puckered up little thing. We don't need a description of your ace hall. You're saying it right now. Your asshole. Oh, you lost it. What you...

Are you done? No, I'm going to count the wrinkles, and I think for every wrinkle I got, you owe me $10 because I've got to go get surgery now and get Botox in my brown eye to smooth it all out again. It looks like a cyclops and a sandstorm. He can oddly see his... Stop it!

A cyclops in a sandstorm. Well, it's got his wife. eyes shut and it's all wrinkled around the edge of it stop it you are not going to count the lines that the wrinkle cracks around your brown hole well I've got me pants off and I've stopped let's see I've got a little me here one two three stop counting your asshole wrinkles nine ten oh look at that is a big one that's got to be worth five right there Stop it.

12, 15, 19. Stop counting your ass wrinkles. 49, 47. Stop it, you just counted backwards. That's because there was a little small one and it had an air on it, Ireland, so I subtract it. Oh, God. Are you done? Just about 107, and here's the last one.

Oh, and it's got a pimple on it. That one's got to be worth seven. 1127 laugh lines on me brown eye, me anus. You know what, and you want $10 a crinkle? Well, would you like to go 15? No! You're not getting a damn penny out of me. Look, my anos used to be nice and smooth by the top of a bald cat's head.

And ever since I started laughing at your nonsense, My anus has been crinkled up like a little boy that's been eating a bag of sourpatch kids. Now, I got 127 anal wrinkles, and you're going to smooth them out with Botox, you miserable son of a bitch. Listen, George, I am not... It's boy, George, you son of a bitch. I'm going to shave a polar bear's ass, shove his asshole hair up your nose, and hope you sneeze out of your fucking twat. All right, you know what?

Now you're just getting rude and belligerent. And I'm not paying for your Botox treatment to get your asshole crinkles smooth out. Everybody has them. Oh, really? How many you got, Arlen? What do you mean? Well, why don't you pull down your panties

and let's count them right now, me and you? No, I'm not. Goodbye, George. It's boy, George, you stupid motherfucker. Get them off. Get them on. Unbelievable. What?

Are you kidding me, Roger? Holy shh. Counting the crinkles around. Go to a commercial. Get them on. Go to a commercial. God. For my feminine itching,

I depend on vagasil cream to stop it instantly. And for a painful burning itch, I get max. Maximum strength Vagicil for even stronger relief. There's Vagicil cream and maximum strength. Okay. Man. Roger, anyways, I want to remind you guys about a fun event that's coming up.

I will be taping my new stand-up comedy special on June 22nd, and I'm going to be doing it in a very unorthodox, unusual manner. yours truly will be donning a kind of a disguise, a mask, a headpiece of a pug. That's right, a pug, a pug, a dog. I have this really cool mask that where the mouth articulates. And when I move my mouth inside the mask, the jaws of the dog move. And so it looks like the dog is talking. And I decided that it's time for somebody to do a stand-up comedy special as a dog.

So Harland Williams, Me, will be doing his next stand-up comedy special as Carmel Corn the Pug. That's right, Carmel Corn the Pug. I'm going to do my whole set, all my A-list material, and maybe some dog-themed material thrown in there just for kecks. for a whole hour on stage with a camera crew with a live audience and you know we're going to make it available to you our listeners and fans and the pavement pounders we're going to make it available to you guys

via digital download or maybe it will sell it to Netflix or Showtime or HBO or maybe no one will just independently release it But either way, it's going to get out there. Carmel Corn the Pug. Stand-up comedy special. But the reason I'm mentioning it is if you live in the California, Los Angeles, San Diego area,

and you want to come to one of the tapings, it's June 22nd in Irvine, California. It's a beautiful 600-seat club. And we're going to have all kinds of cameras set up, and we're going to be shooting this thing, and it's going to be fantastic. I think, I hope, I don't know. It might just suck a lemon,

but that's the beauty of it for me. I like the danger. I like the unknown. I like the unpredictability. That's what comedy should be. That's what pushing the boundaries of an art form should be for me. So I'm doing it, man. I'm just jumping in.

I'm going to be up there as Carmelcorn the Pug. And hopefully, It's a lot of fun. So if you want to go, go to my website, harlomwilliams.com, click on my stand-up tour link, and you can get your tickets and be there. We're doing two shows, one at 730, one at 9.45. And I can't say one will be better than the other because, you know, they're both going to be kind of the same, but there'll be differences.

So either one you go to, you'll get your money's worth, I hope. I think the tickets are like 20 bucks But if you want to see something a little different A little wild a little out there Carmel Corn the Pug June 22nd the Irvine Improbs So there you go I thought I'd mention it again

Because I honestly don't know how many people we're going to get I mean there could be eight people there We're going to shoot no matter what I'm shooting the damn thing Or there could be 600 people there This place holds 600 but I just don't know. Nobody's, this is not a character that I've presented to the world yet.

This is brand new. So it's not like people see it or hear about it and go, oh, Carmel Corn the Pug. I got to go to that. He's hilarious. No, we're basically inviting you to be part of this experiment and see where it goes right alongside us. But please, if you do come laugh loud and laugh long and laugh hard, even if it's fake. Because I'm going to need it, man.

It's going to be bizarre up there. So June 22nd, Irvine Improv, check out Harlow Williams.com, and maybe you want to come and be in the audience. Would love to see you there. Outside of that, you can also catch me June 1st. I will be at the Improv in Tampa, Florida. Great, great club. Love performing down there.

June 1st through June 4th. That's Tampa, Florida. And then closer to California, not California, L.A. is the Brea Improv, which is just about 35, 40 miles east of Los Angeles. In the town of Brea, the city of Brea. And that's June 15th to June 18th. You can catch me there doing my stuff. So there you go.

Tell your friends and family and get there on June 22nd of the Irvine Improv and watch Carmel Corn the Pug in action. What else can I tell you? Check out the rest of the website. We have a great web store on the website. You can buy stuff. You can look at, you know, news and photographs and all kinds of fun stuff. Also, you can download the app for your cell phone, the Harland Highway app, and you can also become a premium member for $20 a year.

You get every episode ever recorded of the Harland Highway podcast, so it's a great deal. Hours and hours and probably months and months, if not years and years of entertainment for $20. If you like today's show, it's a lot similar. It's a lot of wacky, wild stuff that's going to put wrinkles around your ice hole. So there you go.

So we'll leave it. there thanks for being here everybody please tell your friends about the harland highway podcast we want everyone to enjoy we i want to put i want to put laugh lines around everybody's eyes and i want to extend your lives by making you laugh so there you go that's it if you want to write to me you can write to me at harlan williams dot com if you want to leave me a phone message about anything toilet seat uh fecal plumes whatever 323 739 433 30. That's 323-739-43330. Thanks for being here, everybody. Great to have you. And until next time, Chicken. Chalman, baby.