The Harland Highway - 873 - CELEBRITY RACES. Uncle FAT. Let's go get a chili dog with Harland

Episode Date: May 29, 2017

Donald Trump is in today's CELEBRITY RACES. Say hello to 'Uncle FAT'. Harland goes for a CHILI DOG! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Bah-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-a-da. Okay, I was trying to trick you into thinking you were standing in an elevator with Musac playing. But it didn't work because you know where you are. You're on the Harland Highway with me, your host, Harlan Williams. Yes. Thank you for being here, everybody. What a show today.

Oh, my God, Celebrity Races. Yes, wait to you here who's running in the Harland Highway Celebrity Races. I'll give you one of the entries. President Donald Trump, hello. So it's going to be a great race. That's at the end of the show. But at the beginning, we have some phone calls from some pavement pounders. We also have an incredible crazy news story about someone named Uncle Fat.

Yeah, you'll never guess who Uncle Fat is. Okay? This is a funny story. Also, you know, I did a segment a while about. about a little slice of life. You know, I just recorded some people talking about donuts. And so now I've done it again. You know, someone requested another one.

So you'll enjoy a little clip of me just having a little slice of life where I went out one night and did a little something. You'll have to listen to hear what it is. It's simple, it's mundane, but maybe you'll get something out of it. I hope you do. We want you to because this is the Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby.

You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-chic-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall-main, baby. And the creature run out of space. Please don't stop. I got to need an ugly face.

My magnificent performance. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Hello? Hello?

I just want to say having kind of a rough time. But you get me through the day. My brother, keep cooking. Peace. Oh, man. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time, a rough patch. That hurts my heart, man.

I can hear it in your voice. But you know what, my friend, if this podcast brings a little ray of light into your life, during your rough time. If it keeps you gone, if it keeps a smile on your face, that makes me happy. That is one thing. That is beautiful.

So that the podcast keeps you going is great. It's one of the things that keeps you going. But on a separate note, outside of the podcast, just to me personally, Harland is a human being to another human being. We all feel for you. We all care about you.

And I just want you to know that, you know, we feel when you go through a rough time, when anyone goes through a rough time, and just want to offer a little bit of support and hope and say, hey, everything's going to be okay. It's going to get better, man. Okay? We all go through these little valleys. Sometimes they're deeper than at other times, but life is good. life will course correct and keep your chin up, keep on smiling, and hopefully we can keep a little light in your heart and a smile on your face with the podcast.

Thanks for reaching out and everything's going to be a-okay. All right, all right. Thanks for the call. So you got another call, Raj. Hello. Hey, Arlen. This is Frank from Chicago. I told you before.

Uh, yeah, Monkey Girl episode. Um, you got clickbaited, bro. Just so you know, you maybe need to take a little bit of time. Uh, I don't know if the best story to develop before you start to expand on it. Um, she, uh, basically mentally challenged had, uh, some severe issues with her mental stability. And then you've got these wonderful Indians that just like to dump their, wonderful daughters into the forest because they don't value them I'm sure you understand what I'm talking about you know enough about that and that's what she was subject to so she was a burden and they dumped her into the forest and she was left to fend for herself which is why she became emaciated but she's no great missing link or anything like that it's actually a tragedy. I just wanted to make you aware of that.

And maybe next time you think twice before you, I don't know, decide that you're proclaiming some type of existential, you know, achievements with life and animals and humans and all that because in reality all it was was some asshole not wanting to go up to their responsibilities. So all right, buddy. Love you. Take care. Bye. Oh, Frank, Frank, Frank.

Thank you for the call. And Frank's talking about a segment we did, I don't know, about a month ago, where I interviewed Monkey Girl. And it was a little girl that had been, you know, lost or abandoned or whatever in the jungles. in India and according to the story she was raised by monkeys and so we tried to talk to her and she kind of talked like a monkey and we didn't get very far but uh but frank uh obviously reached out and said hey whoa that was a little insensitive bro i mean you know the back story to that monkey girl was that you know a lot of a lot of families will dump their their girl children

on the side of the road or in the forest or whatever, because girls aren't as valuable as men in that society. And not only that, but monkey girl was mentally challenged, and that's why she couldn't talk and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, which may all be true, Frank, but none of that was included in the story. The only story I read was that there was a mysterious girl found in the jungle, raised by monkeys.

She couldn't talk. She couldn't eat human food. and so on and so forth. So hearing this new information about it, of course, I'm sympathetic. Of course, that makes me sad, this poor girl. I figured there was something behind the story, but don't forget, we take stories in the news that could be tragic or could be odd or could be extreme. And, you know, we twist them, we gnarled them,

and we try to mine the comedy out of them. We don't intentionally try to, you know, be insensitive and hurt people, especially when, you know, we don't have the information on the whole story at a certain point. So, you know, we take the premise of a monkey girl is kind of a funny premise. But, of course, we would never stoop to, you know, making fun of the fact that if she is mentally challenged, You know, we start poking fun at that. No, no, no, we don't do that. So I appreciate the call.

You got to lighten up a little. This is a comedy podcast. We're not out here to, you know, be cruel and mean and hurtful. It's all about having fun, brother. But, you know, I give you kudos for looking out for Monkey Girl. You know, maybe you guys can, you know, nuzzle up and go for a banana split or something at Dairy Queen. I don't know, but

God bless Monkey Girl. Okay, thank you. And you know what? Speaking of monkeys, Roger, I think we have a crazy news story about a monkey, don't we? Yeah. Okay, let's do it. Let's go. We'll get out of the phone calls. Let's go right into

a Harland Highway, crazy news story. And guess what? It's about monkeys. The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. Wow, that's strange stuff. Okay, here we go. It doesn't get crazier than this. It probably does, but I like to say that just to build up the hype.

Here's the crazy news story. Morbidly obese Thai monkey named Uncle Fat put on diet after gorging on junk food. Oh, Uncle Fat. I think we all have an Uncle Fat, don't we? So here's the story from Bangkok, a morbidly obese wild monkey who gorged himself on junk food and soda left behind by tourists has been rescued and placed on a strict diet of lean, protein, fruits, and vegetables. Wildlife officials caught the chunky monkey nicknamed Uncle Fat by locals after photos of the animals started circulating on social media. Wild monkeys roam free in many parts of Thailand, attracting tourists who feed and play with the animals. Most of the monkeys are macaques or macaques like Uncle Fat.

I can't say the name without laughing. And they typically weigh around 20 pounds. Oh, this is rich. Uncle Fat weighs three times that, tipping the monkey scales at around 60 pounds. So Uncle Fat is fat. Officials say it was not easy to catch them. The wildlife official who conducted the capture and rescue said he was the leader of his pack, and when I tried to go in, I had to fight off a flock of other monkeys with sticks.

The subordinate monkeys fed into Uncle Fats' bad habits. He had other monkeys and minions bringing food for him, but he would also redistribute it to younger monkeys. See? that's called bad parroting. That's not parroting, parenting. Um, you know, monkey see monkey do. You're going to sit around, uh, you know, if you're a monkey eating pringles and drinking Dr. Pepper.

Guess what? Your kids are going to want to do it. A veterinarian in charge of the monkey's diet says he is now in critical condition where there is high risk of heart disease and diabetes. Sound familiar? Yeah, I think we all know an uncle fat here in the United States of America. We might know an uncle fat, an anti-fat, a nephew fat, and a niece fat, and a brother and sister and a mother.

There's a lot of fats here in America. Maybe they should just start like a fat zoo. Right? It can be sponsored by McDonald's or Burger King. Just go in and see, you know, probably make the rest of us feel good about it. ourselves. It's like, oh, look at the fat giraffe. Look at the 900-pound giraffe. I feel good about myself. Look at the two-ton hippo. Well, I guess the hippo's always two-tons. That didn't work, but look at that, uh, look at that 300-pound, uh, gopher. Man. Hello, belly bloat. How's,

How's your muffin top there, three-toed sloth fatty? Let's see here. Uncle Fat is believed to be 10 to 15 years old. To help him lose weight, his new diet is limited to 400 grams worth of lean protein fruits and vegetables twice a day. Officials said they hope that within a few months he can consider releasing him into the wild. She said Uncle Fat is an example of why people shouldn't feed wild monkeys. Unhealthy food. Well, how about us humans?

Isn't Uncle Fat an example of why we shouldn't be eating unhealthy foods? It's okay for us, but God forbid a monkey gets fat. Let's race to its aid. They should put it on the biggest loser, man. Write that show on NBC, the biggest loser where all the fat people go to the fat ranch. And suddenly they're competing with a big fat macaw. Uncle fat? What if Uncle Fat became the biggest loser, man?

No, insecure those fat people would be. Not only are they fat, but they lost a fat contest to a monkey named Uncle Fat. Yikes. Lastly, the officials say they understand that people feel sorry for the monkeys. and want to feed them when they see them. But they say, please don't feed them food that people like to eat, snacks, and soda. It is very bad for their health. And the problem is entirely man-made.

I mean, shouldn't Uncle Fat literally be a poster child for us humans? And there's a picture of this guy in the story, and this monkey is fat. I mean, it looks like it's pregnant. Uncle Fat has a belly. It's like Marie Osmond with the Jenny Craig Weight Watchers' belly bloat. You want to lose your belly bloat, Uncle Fat? Man. So there you go.

Watch what you eat. Or you're going to end up like Uncle Fat. Hello. Williams, three words. More donut talk. Okay, yes. Well, Donut Talk was a segment I did a few podcasts back, where, you know, I just played a clip of me having a conversation

with a good old Southern gal about donuts. And kind of the premise of the clip was just, just like, sometimes just those little, you know, uneventful, simple moments in life are just like the coolest, most entertaining, engaging things, even though they're so mundane and simple. And so instead of doing like a big, crazy wild comedy segment, I was like, you know what, why don't I just play a simple old conversation about donuts? Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

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Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harlan. J-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount

and 100% free shipping, code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And it was kind of fun, and I guess this gentleman really enjoyed it, right, sir? Three words. More donut, pork. Okay, twawk.

I hear you. Listen, man, I don't have any more donut talk, but if you want another little slice of life-like moment, I'm happy to share that with you. Here's what happened. You know, another little slice of life. I hope you like this donut guy. But the other night, it was late.

I hadn't had dinner yet. It was hot. You know, it was hot in L.A. The night was hot and balmy. And I was like, what do I want to eat? And I thought, man, what about a good old-fashioned, like chili? cheese dog, man. You know, with onions and relish and mayo, like a nice cold Coke to wash it down, right? So it's like, yeah, man, that's the ticket. That's the old American way. So there's this

place in Hollywood on the world famous Sunset Strip, Sunset Boulevard. There's a hot dog and hamburger joint called Carnies. And what's unique about Carnies is that it's on an old train car. They basically took a real train car, you know, towed it to the location, took it, took it off the truck and plopped it down in a parking lot and turned it into like a hot dog and hamburger stand. So it's the actual train car. It's the length of a train car. You go in and there's the kitchen and the counter and the grill and then there's a row of tables and chairs on the wall. so it's really kind of retro and cool and the food's good and they have great hot dogs man you ever get those hot dogs where they pack them in the skin so tight that when you bite them

they kind of pop in your mouth the skin like kind of pops it almost crunches and you can feel the the meat kind of explode out of the casing I know it sounds a little you know what but it's delicious I like hot dogs like that and Carney's has great hot dogs So I motored down there. I got my car, the windows open, the music blaring, the warm night breeze washing over my body. And I'm like hankering for a hot chili cheese dog. And so I go into the place and it's kind of cool because it's old and it's retro. And how often do you get to eat in a train car that's not on a train track, right?

So I walk in and, you know, L.A. is very L.A. And, you know, as you know, a lot of musicians started here. of them is Jim Morrison from the doors. I don't know if there's any doors fans here listening. I hope so because I love the doors and, you know, Jim Morrison kind of grew up or lived right in kind of the neighborhood, not too far from where this train car is. And I had to actually drive by Jim Morrison's house to get to the train car to Carnies. So I walk in and I'm in a good mood and I'm feeling good and I'm ordering my chest.

chili cheese dog, and all of a sudden I'm listening and I hear riders on the storm by the doors. I can hear it like kicking in the background, you know, and it just was one of those moments where it was like the perfect song for the perfect event, you know, I don't know how riders on the storm, this kind of dark, eerie kind of cowboy song, somehow like mixes well with a chili cheese dog on a train car. Just for whatever reason, everything aligned, and it just felt good. And I was in a good mood, and I got all chatty. I started, like, chatting it up with the guys that, you know, were flipping the burgers.

And I was just in a good mood. And, you know, I was tapping my head and singing along to riders on the storm. Into this house we're born. Bap-ba, bap-ba. You know, it was just like, just one of those moments where all these simple little elements came together, and I just found myself in a great, kind of really great, awesome, cool mood. Well, I got my chili cheese dog. So here's a little clip.

I decided, you know what, I'm going to record this for my listeners, and just capture this cheery little moment, unexpected moment in my life, and it's kind of like the donut thing, just a fun little innocent slice of American life. More donut fork. A bunch of much of time. Nice hot, hot, onion, tomato? Kind of like my wife. Kind of like my wife.

Delicious cheese cheese cheese. Yeah. Yeah, nice plump wiener. Mayo, relish, onion. Light on the chili, light on the chili. We don't want to, you know, go too crazy. And some delicious onions. Work of art, bro.

That's like the Mona Lisa right there. If Mona Lisa had a weener, that would be her wiener. Do you want ketchup? Yeah, for the fries? Yeah. Got the doors playing in the background. It's a good night at the hot dog stand. Oh yeah, the doors, baby.

That's it. Good, awesome. Let me taste a fry. Test it. Yeah. All right, party. Good job, man. Thank you.

Thanks, boss. Take care. Take care. All, man. Oh, man. The doors and a hot dog. Riders on the we're born. Awesome.

Awesome. So there you go. You know, I just let it play. I thought, should I talk over it? And I thought, no, I just wanted you guys to feel the ambience. You know, you could hear the cash register. You could hear other people ordering. You know, you could just hear the sounds.

If you want to go back and listen to it again, it's just, you know, it's just like a moment. It's a moment in time. You can kind of hear the doors playing in the background. I don't know. might be listening to you. What the hell? What do you, what are you wasting our time? But, you know, it's just, it's one of those moments. If you're, if you're rushing around at work or you're having a busy day, it's just like, it's just like maybe you need to go find one of those moments,

you know? Just go somewhere with no real agenda and just like kick back and, you know, go get a burger, go get a chick-fil-a, go get a taco. But when you're in there kind of like, Take in the atmosphere. Just don't go in and walk up and go, yeah, give me a talk, yeah, I want the thing and want thing, and yeah, okay, see you later, bye. Like maybe go in and kind of walk in slowly and look around and see who else is there and listen to the sounds

and smell the smells and just, you know, take a moment to absorb your environment. Instead of just using the environment, be in the environment, be part of the environment, experience the environment. instead of just passing through it, taste it, feel it, smell it, hear it, enjoy it. And, you know, it may seem like an insignificant little bit here, but maybe there's some real value in it. Maybe there's some real learning in it that in all of our lives we need to just be in the moment sometimes and find the joy in a small, simple moment.

moment. And what you couldn't see in that moment was, you know, and I'm trying to express it to, if you go back and listen to it, picture me just like, you ever have a moment where your heart and your soul and your body just kind of filled with everything's good, everything's right in the world, everything feels cool and happy? Well, if you want to go back and listen to that little two-minute segment, picture me just like, everything's right in the world. I had no problems.

I was just very happy and content. And I think it's interesting that I was able to catch that because those little moments are kind of gold, you know? You could get the promotion at work, you could buy the new car, you could get the bonus, you could, whatever. But I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes those little silly, stupid moments that we kind of let go past us and think don't mean much. Maybe sometimes are the very best moments.

So I want to thank my listener who enjoyed the same kind of story I told about the donuts for wanting a little more of this. And you know what? Maybe I'll do another one someday. So I hope you find your little golden moment. And when you do, just wallow in it and enjoy it. Donuts walk. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Holland Highway Celebrity races. A beautiful day for the races today. And the celebrities are getting into

their lanes. It looks like President Donald Trump, the president of the United States of America in lane one. He's roaring to go. And in lane two, Elon Musk's CEO and founder of Tesla Corporation and SpaceX and in lane three and battled congressman who was forced to retire Anthony Wiener in lane three and it looks like they're jockeying into position they're getting ready they look a little anxious oh they're bucking around the chopping at the bit here we go and they're off they are off they are charging down the track here we go it looks like Anthony Wiener's out in front He's running, he's charging hard, his feigning little forehead, pulsing and sweating. And here comes Donald Trump, Donald Trump coming up from behind his long six-foot frame pounding down the racetrack.

And Elon Musk is having a bit of trouble at the end of the track. It hold on, he's stopped. It looks like he's pulled out some kind of battery-driven electric device. It looks like a giant vibrator. Elon Musk has jumped on a vibrator. He's riding it down the track. like Luke Skywalker and his air rider from Star Wars. He's trying to pass, but hold on Anthony Weiner.

Anthony Weena has run into the crowd. He spotted some young underage girls. He's stopped to chat with them, while Donald Trump still keeps pounding down the track. Elon Musk coming in behind on his giant vibrator. But Anthony Weiner stopped. Oh my God, it looks like he's pulled down his pants in front of the young girls. He's pulling out his cell phone,

and he's taking pictures of his giant penis. back to the track Donald Trump sees Elon Musk coming up behind him on his giant flying vibrator Donald Trump has stopped he stopped in the middle of the track he's doing something with his hair it looks like oh my goodness it looks like he's weaved a giant wall to prevent Elon Musk from flying down the track Donald Trump has put up a golden wall with his hair and it looks like Anthony Weiner is texting he's taking pictures and he's texting the young girls in the crowd they are looking at this cell phones. They are screaming. They are screaming. The police are charging through the audience. And here comes Elon Musk. He's fixing it. Oh, no, it looks like he's borrowing. He's borrowing

under the ground. He's building some kind of tunnel under the ground to get around Donald Trump's wall of golden hair. And it looks like, oh my God, Donald Trump is running down the track. He's fallen, he's fallen, but don't be, oh, it looks like, hang on, some Russians. Some Russians have come out of the crowd to help Donald Trump. They're helping. Donald Trump. The Russians are helping Donald Trump to his feet, and the Russians are running down the track with Donald Trump, and here comes Elon Musk. He's popped up the other side on his electric vibrator, and he's jumped off, and he's strapped some jet packs to his back. Oh my goodness, he's flying up into the sky, and Anthony Wien is being pulled off by the police. It looks like,

oh my God, Donald Trump has turned around. He's stopped Elon Musk with his jet packs. He's put a temporary ban on Donald, on Elon Musk flying down the track, and it looks like Elon Musk is tangled in the wall of golden hair. He's got a temporary band. The Russians are helping Donald Trump down the track to the final leg. Anthony Wheat is in handcuffs. And it's Donald Trump. Yes, Donald Trump crosses the finish line, the president of the United States. My goodness, what a hard-fought exciting race today. Congratulations to President Donald Trump. Elon Musk is struggling in his sorry Anthony Wiener is fighting the police. He's struggling as they put him in the back of a police car. And Elon Musk has, it looks like he's just fired off into space. We can't see him. We're

looking to the skies and his rockets must have taken him somewhere far, far away. Another fine race here at the Holland Highway Celebrity Races. Thanks for joining. Until next time, I'm Charles Pazley. Whoa, wow. What a race. That was exciting. Holy God.

Anthony Wiener. Elon Musk and Donald Trump coming up at the end. I guess he got a little help from the Russians, put a temporary ban on Elon Musk who was catching him. and he built that wall, that wall of hair to slow down the other competitors. Wow, good stuff. I don't think we, you know, can we get more exciting in the podcast than that? I think not. So why don't we just end it right there?

Good place to end it with the Harland Highway Celebrity races. Why don't we do a few announcements here? Well, we can. Does that sound fun, everybody? Please, please, please, if you live in the Los Angeles area, San Diego, San Francisco, wherever, anywhere in California, or if you want to come in from another state, don't forget June 22nd, I will be taping my very next stand-up comedy special as Carmel Corn the Pug. That's right, I'm doing my whole show in the disguise of a dog, a pug to be specific. It is weird, it is twisted.

I'll be putting some footage of Carmelcorn in action up on the internet in the next few days. So if you want to see some of that stuff, join my Instagram, join my Twitter feed, join my Facebook. And you can see Carmelcorn in action. And if you like what you see, hell, you can come down and catch the whole special, man. It's going to be redonculus. What else can I tell you? Yeah, that's June 22nd at the Irvine. Improv. Information at Harland Williams.com. Okay. Sound good, everybody. And then

don't forget that we, I'm going to be in Tampa, Florida at the Improv doing stand-up comedy this weekend. That's right. That's June 1st to June 4th, Thursday through Sunday, at the Tampa Improv. Great Club. Come on down and check it out. And then June 15th to June 18th. I will be in Brea, California. Braia, California, working it out there doing some stand-up comedy. Should be a blast. And then I think that's it for a little while for the stand-up comedy. So those are my last two gigs before the summer, except for, you know, June 22nd when Carmel Corn the Pug rocks the house. We'll be doing two shows at the Irvine Improv. and 945 and you know come join have some fun tickets are 20 bucks and uh you get to see a dog doing

stand-up comedy pretty cool man uh and also please get our free app so you can listen to the harland highway wherever you are it's in the app store on your telephone just type in the harland highway and boom you've got the app for free you get the 50 latest episodes of the Harland Highway. If you want all almost 900 episodes, just join our premium membership. It's $20 a year, and you get almost 900 episodes of this podcast.

That's a lot of bang for your buck. So please join in. Thank you all my premium members who are on there. And I do, every now and then I throw in some bonus premium content, stand-up comedy stuff, stories, interviews, what have you. So there should be more of that up soon. Also at harlunewyms.com, please feel free to write me at the contact link.

Or if you want to phone me and say stuff like more donut talk, you can do it. It's 323-739-4330, 3-2-3-739-43-30. And we have a cool store there if you want to buy some fun merchandise, feel free to go into the store and we will ship it on out to you, baby. So there you go. Thanks for being here today. Please tell your friends about the Harland Highway podcast. We're trying to build our audience, build the numbers.

We want everyone to enjoy the Harland Highway podcast. So if you're out to lunch or coffee or wherever with your friends, just say, hey, have you ever heard of the Harland Highway podcast? Yeah, it's really cool. It's free and, you know, pull a smile on your face and, you know, try and make it. mention it to them or text them the link or you know pass it on man we want everyone to get on the harland highway and i want to keep building my listenership so the bigger i can build my audience the more things i can do i can maybe even hire some staff and that could lead to way better

and more content for you guys so please do your best to spread the word tweet it put it on your instagram every time i post a show please retweeted or repost it so that people on your chains on your social media chains can start to get familiar with it help us out man help us out really appreciate that thank you pavement pounders thank you for being here hope you had a fun time and until next time chicken show me baby three words more donut pork Thank you.