The Harland Highway - 875 - Harland gets MUGGED! Harland gets surrounded by wild animals. CRAZY NEWS STORY!

Episode Date: June 6, 2017

Harland gets MUGGED! Harland gets surrounded by wild animals. CRAZY NEWS STORY about private lady business! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Okay, we're a little late. I apologize, my fault. The show's a little late. I'm usually always on time, but I'll explain more when we get into the show. But thank you for being here. Thank you for waiting. Thank you for being so faithful, like a little puppy dog. A great show today.

Oh, my God. A crazy news story that's probably going to make everyone a little bit uncomfortable. Yeah, a little antsy. But it's an important news story, and we've got to talk. about it. So I hope you're ready for the crazy news story later in the show. And also another little slice of life. This one is very bizarre. It involves wild animals. I was surrounded by wild animals in this crazy city. Yeah, in the city, surrounded by crazy wild animals. And way do you hear it. It's a live story, me out in the street. You'll hear it all

down, man. Very strange stuff. Another slice of life story with a strange twist. And then speaking of wild animals, oh my God, I was assaulted in an alleyway. I was mugged. Some guy pulled a gun on me. And this guy was like a wild animal. Way do you hear how this went down? Way to you hear how I'm even alive, how I got out of the mugging. It's crazy. It's all here. It's always crazy. It's the Harland Highway Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby.

You're about to go down the Harland Highway. No! No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did it. Chica, cha, chica, chichichia. Chalman, baby. And the creature from all of us, my head. Please don't stop. I got to feed an ugly.

Magnificent performance. This is the Harlan Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Well, I got another little slice of life story for you. First of all, let me apologize for being a little late.

We're like a day late, not a day late, but we're a few hours late. I was traveling. I was up in the air flying, so I couldn't record a podcast, obviously. But I was in Florida. I was doing some shows in Tampa, Florida. Great club, great crowds. Thank you, Tampa, for coming out and catching me. Had a wonderful time with the Tampa audiences.

and something peculiar happened to me while I was in Tampa. If I sound a little tired, you're about to find out why. They put me in an antiquated part of the city where something a little unusual is going on. I guess the original settlers of this part of Tampa had a species of animal that they, tolerated and let kind of roam free around the city and so this said city to kind of keep the tradition going after all these decades has decided to allow this said animal to roam around

and it led to me looking like I had bloodshot eyes and bags under my eyes and sleep deprivation and so anyways here it is another just another little slice of life, of me wandering around in Tampa, Florida, looking for the answers. I hope you enjoy. Okay, so I'm here in Tampa, Florida, a major city, right? A major cosmopolitan city. And do you hear that? Do you hear that?

It's a major city in Florida, okay? I'm in an old part of town called E-B-B-R, or I-B-B-R, and it's Y-B-O-R, and it's like the old part of the city. Did you hear it? Did you hear that? There's, I'm laying in bed the other night. Oh my God, listen. I'm laying in bed the other night, morning, when I first got here. And I thought I was dreaming.

You know, because I'm in a... I know you heard that. Now I'm walking through a parking lot, full of cars, and I'm looking at two giant roosters. Okay? I'm laying in bed the other morning. and it's like 6 a.m. And I'm like, what the hell is out of here? And I'm like, was that a rooster?

Am I dreaming? Did I pick up a chick at a bar last night from Farmers Only.com? What the hell's... So then I go back to sleep. And like, you know, three minutes later, that... All right, now I'm watching a rooster right now. Do you hear this? Or a cock.

I'm watching a cock run across the parking lot. Hello, cock. It's a big golden cock with a red... The same to you, cock. With a red crown on its head. This is ridiculous. So it's got a red crown on its head. It's a big golden cock.

And why God named them cocks? I have no idea. I mean, he couldn't, you know. Yes, I hear you. But I'm like, why would God name an animal a cock? Okay, now there's two of them. They're running at each other. Two cocks running at each other.

There might be a cock fight. Okay, now they're just one. wandering into some shrubs. They're just wandering into some shrubs. So, you know, here I am in this major city. I'm so, my hotel's surrounded by cocks. And, and this thing, this cock goes off every, like, you know, every minute and half.

And so I'm waking up, I'm falling asleep. I'm waking up, I'm falling asleep. They're everywhere. Can you hear them? I'm surrounded. By cock. It's like a cock part. Oh, ooh, did you hear that? Just a little cock fight. One of the cocks just attacked the other cock. And the other cock like ran off into the parking lot because

Because you know, that's where, oh, now the cocks crossing the road, right? Hey, why did the chicken cross the road, dude? Hey, cock, cock! Cock! Cock! Why did you just cross the road? One just crossed the road right in front of me. Was that your answer? Is that why you crossed the road? So anyways, they're everywhere. And I go down to the...

Same to you, pal. So I go down to the lobby, and I say, is it just me or did I hear a chicken or a rooster or something out there? And they go, oh, yeah. Yeah, it's Ebor City. They're all over the city, and they're a protected species. And I'm like, protected species, what the hell are you talking about? There's like five tigers left on planet Earth.

And you're protecting a KFC chicken? There's like, you know, three speckled Norwegian onion lemurs left alive. And suddenly you're telling me a Kenny Rogers roaster is... I can find a chicken at any grocery store. Since when are they... What aves? I'm trying to do a bit here, dude. I mean, I can find a chicken in any grocery store. They're everywhere.

And these are protected? I mean, this is a major city, gang. It's like, you know, you don't go to Manhattan. in New York and you stay at a fancy hotel and at six in the morning you hear you don't hear cows you don't hear sheep well you might hear it in some of the motel rooms in New York because a lot of weird stuff happens in New York but dudes so anyways here I am surrounded with these indicted or these protected cocks or roosters or whatever you want to call them.

Do you see what I went through, man? Like, they just won't stop. And there's baby cocks running around, little baby cocks. There's chickens, which is the female version. That's like a girl cock. I mean, this is just ridiculous. So just, I want you to know what I'm going through. I want you to know if you're wondering if I sound tired.

It's because I've had cocks all around me all night, keeping me up. Good Lord. I hope you're hearing these nutbags. And this, I'm right beside my hotel right now. I've been walking down the street talking to you. And now I'm walking right into my hotel. And I can still hear them. So there you go.

go that's my my rooster store ass that's my rooster story that's my rooster story and i'm standing by it and they may be protected but if you see a cock walking around with a black eye that's probably because of me. Williams out. Please go away and leave me alone. Okay, so here's an even crazier story. I don't know if any of you have ever been held up at gunpoint, but oh my God, tense moment for yours truly. Okay, so the other day, I'm in an alley behind Denny's, just looking for something to eat, right?

I'm like, you know, dumpster diving, looking for a snacky, you know, something free, something inexpensive. And, you know, I come up with a full moon over my hammy, and I'm just about to, you know, it was half eaten. I was just about to bite into it. And all of a sudden I hear from behind me, I hear, hey, bro, give me your wallet, bro. And I'm like, whoa, what? And I turn around. And there's some, like, you know, trashed out junkie with a, he's got. a gun on me man

and he's like you heard me bro give me your wallet bro and I'm like whoa what do I do in this situation how do I how do I get out of this precarious situation so you know being a guy who watches a lot of nature shows I've learned you know I've absorbed

a lot of nature tidbits and one thing I've learned is that when when mother alligators and crocod make a giant nest and their little hatchlings come out when the little baby crocodile hatchlings come out of their eggs and they get into trouble they do a distress call for their mother they're like so I'm like okay I got a guy with a gun on me in an alleyway behind Kind of Denny's. No one else around. He wants my wallet. And I'm thinking, this is how I get out of it, man. Bro, I laid down some baby crocodile noises, right?

So he's pointing his gun at me. He's like, give him your wallet, bro. I start going like... Ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow. And I'm thinking, like two things are going to happen here, right?

I'm like, he's either going to think I'm completely insane and just like run off screaming or like a giant 26-foot-long Nile crocodile is going to come wailing down the aisle down the alley and just like eat this fool, right? And so I'm like, I'm like, I got this guy, right? But what I didn't bank on, and this was the very, I didn't count on, is it this criminal, this criminal element, this junkie with the gun,

was a nature show freak too. And so instead of running off, he countered my baby alligator noises with some baby koala noises. He started going, Like, oh, and I was just, you know, my heart melted. I was like, oh, baby koala, no, oh, so cute, cute. And I hugged them, and I, you know, I just held them and I hugged him. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh, you're so, take my wallet.

here have my wallet so cute and he screwed off and i was like whoa check and mate bro this brosoph like he totally outplayed me man i went with the the baby alligator calls and he countered with Baby koala Checkmate, he wins Oh, dude's bummer, man Just a total bummer So I'm looking for a new wallet

Got to get all my new ID Burn The Harland Highway Crazy news story That's weird That's strange stuff Yeah I think this is

a little crazy. I wasn't sure if I should touch this story or not, but I don't know. Something about it, it's something we don't ever talk about. And it's something that's a little touchy, a little taboo maybe, a little, little y-borderline. But I don't know. I haven't read the story, but I've heard about this, like leading to killing people and causing all kinds of issues. And I'm not a woman, but I remember seeing some things on the news about it. And I thought, hmm, it's, it's foreign territory, but I think we should talk about it. So I don't know what's in store. I'm going to read you the headline.

Hang in there with me. If you're a woman listening, this might be good for you. For the boys, it might be a little cringeworthy, but who knows, maybe we can learn something, too. Here's the crazy news story headline. toxic shock syndrome infections toxic shock syndrome infections what if i leave a tampon in for too long hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you you want it to be better not worse trust me and adam and eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping

More than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping.

Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your best. bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Well, I've never left one in too long because I've never, ever used one. But this is a serious thing.

Let's get into this story here. Have you ever panicked and thought you might have left a tampon in or even lost one? Okay, that's, I think I'd rather panic that I left one in rather than lose one. I mean, if you lose one, where the hell did it go? did it just swim up into your like stomach or something leaving a tampon in for too long can lead to infections and rarely cause here we go life-threatening toxic shock syndrome tsss yes this is what i saw in the news tsss is typically caused by an overgrowth of bacteria called staphococococcus scus staff we've all heard of staff each year talk toxic shock syndrome affects about one in 100,000 women. Well, we don't want that.

Well, the instructions on the tampon box encourage women to change their tampon every eight hours. See, I just learned something here. I thought they stayed in for days, and I'm not being a smart ass. I just thought, you know, because the period lasts a number of days. So I thought maybe the thing he stayed in there a few days. and then they put a new one in every few days. I did not know every eight hours. That's new information for me.

Let's see, where were we? I'm a little discombobulated here, as I said. Every eight hours, sometimes people forget to change them or occasionally may lose them. Leaving a tampon in for longer than eight or 12 hours can increase risk of infection or possibly TSS. according to a gynecologist. Now, see, TSS, it's in capital letters,

and I'm picturing that on the side of like a Dodge Charger or something. No disrespect to the lady. But isn't there a model of like of Hot Rod? It's like the Dodge TSS or the, you know, the Gremlin TSS or the Impala. I feel like I'm seeing those letters on, you know, metal letters stamped onto the side of a duster or a charger or something. The gynecologist says if in general, if you leave a tampon in for too long, it can create a breeding ground for bacteria and increase risk of yeast infections, bacterial vaginosis,

or possibly TSS. For some women, it comes down to a hygienic issue of making sure you change as off as possible. Vaginosis. again there's a new one i see i've never heard the word in my life vaginosis i it sounds like something your shrink would say i'm afraid barbara that after reviewing all all our sessions together um reviewing our notes and you know accumulating all our conversations i'm afraid uh there's only one conclusion to draw here Barbara you have a severe case of vaginosis darling um we've all heard of yeast infections of course so yeah this could this could be dangerous it says if a woman

believes she's left a tampon him for too long she should do a self-check or ask her partner to help to see if the tampon may have gotten lost in her vagina. Wait, what? Okay, hold on, breaks. Ask her partner to check to see if her tampon may have gotten lost in her vagina. I mean, are there hiding spots in the vagina? Are there little cubby holes and trap doors and crawl spaces? Is there a furnace one tampon could hide behind? I mean, isn't it pretty straightforward? To the best of my knowledge, it's just a single chamber, a tube of sorts,

an opening with some little bit of vacuous space. I don't know that there's hiding areas. I don't think there's lily pads and trees. And, you know, I don't think there's an attic or a couch. A tampon could hide behind? Trick or treat, one, two, three. You can't see me, hide and seek. I mean, good Lord.

And I'm sorry, gang. I ain't no hearty boy. I ain't no vaginal Nancy Drew. I don't know that I would have the, the Cajonies to go on a tampon search up there. I mean, this is for the guys. Guys, have any of you guys ever heard? these words, hey baby, yeah, could you turn the football game off for a minute and come and look

inside me for my tampon? Yeah, I lost it. Where are you going? Where are you going? Come, why are you starting the car? Come back. I've got a helmet with a flashlight on it. Come back. I mean, that's a, that's a, you got to be on a pretty personal level to do that. I'm sorry. I just don't know if I could do that. I know love runs deep, you know, love should have no limitations, but a tampon search. Some kind of an Easter egg hunt for a tampon.

I can't, I'm having trouble getting there, ladies. Good Lord. And can you imagine a woman asking that of her partner? That would be probably just as humiliating or uncomfortable, ladies, am I right? That's not a casual thing. David, um, do you have your glasses? Yeah. Good, could you get on your knees and just look way, way, way up inside me?

For what? Just a little tampon. It got away. little jinkson's got away it's up there somewhere check behind the couch i have up there i put an ikea couch up there in case my ovaries ever want to you know stretch out and rest and watch tv yikes and then it goes on to say if she's if she is unable to find it but has vaginal discharge or a strange vaginal odor i told you this was going to get uncomfortable It's important to seek medical attention.

Can we just go to the medical attention right out of the gate, please? Can we not ask our partner to do that? I guess some guys would. I just don't know. I wonder if it could create psychological damage. Not to be sexist or sexualize a female, but men mostly, you know, kind of. of view and observe and associate the vaginal area with sexuality, with sexual pleasure,

with the essence of womanhood. Fishing around up there for a, pardon my crassness, but we are talking about fishing around for a bloodied tampon, it could maybe create some psychological barriers. So, you know, it's kind of those, once you see something, you can't unsee it. So I don't know if, you know, I'm just thinking deep here. I know you must put your partner's health and love in front of everything else, but you wouldn't want to ruin a good time by, you know, creating some imagery that might be hard to get around in the future. Yikes.

people who go to the ER all the time for last people go to the ER all the time for lost tampons. Patients are always upset and worried about TSS, but it's very rare, and most of the patients have been fine. Well, that's good. A doctor says TSS symptoms include fever, rash, and feeling extremely ill. She said the overall message is to avoid leaving the tampon in for too long and to remember that a bigger tampon doesn't mean it can be left in longer okay and as for the often asked question of whether it's okay to have a tampon in overnight again another question i have never asked or even thought about so this is illuminating hopefully a lot of you boys listening are going huh you know harland at first

you know i i didn't really want to hear a damn thing about this this topic but you've you've illuminated me. You know, I'm learning things about tampons that I didn't know. And I think we all are. There might even some girls that are learning. So here's the answer. Usually they can put a tampon in before bed and change in the middle of the night. But it's best to use the smallest tampon possible. Sometimes the tendency is to use a super tampon and leave it in a super long time, but better off changing it again ending the article I did not know about super tampons

is this a new superhero is this a member of the Marvel universe is it a new member of the Avengers Thor the Hulk the Black Widow Ironman

and Super Tampon I will fight you to the bloody end I'm supertampon Super tampon. Don't cramp my style. Tampon. All right. So there you go.

I hope that was helpful. I hope that was interesting and illuminating, and I think we all learned something. So there you go. Ladies, don't leave your tampon in. We want you to be healthy. We don't want you to get TSS. And, gents, let's just chalk this up

as we're a little more informed. we're a little more sympathetic we're a little more understanding now about our women and women in general and their monthly issues so I think this was a win-win

even though this was very difficult this was very hard this was not an easy topic we we got through it and I think we absorbed a lot of information well okay not not the best terminology

I think we learned a lot of new things here. So there you go, the Harland Highway, crazy news story. Ah, yes, super tampon. Maybe a new character on the show. Hmm, interesting. Speaking of shows, I want to remind you pavement pounders that if you're in the California area, that's California, on June 22nd.

That's coming up very soon. June 22nd, I will be doing my stand-up comedy special as Carmel Corn the Pug. Yes, it's me doing my next hour-long stand-up special as a dog, as a pug in particular. It's not a joke. This is for real. I'm going to be wearing, I have this crazy pug mask.

and I've decided to do my next special as a dog because nobody's ever done it and I want to be the first to do a stand-up special as a dog. It makes me laugh and it reminds me that comedy needs to be silly and I'm going to be damn silly. Can it be any silly or doing an hour stand-up special as a dog? So we're going to be filming it. It's at the Irvine Improv in Irvine, California.

That's Orange County. That's like about 40 minutes south of Los Angeles. Beautiful 600-seat theater club. We're doing a show at 7.30 and 945. So there'll be two tapings. If you want to get your tickets and be part of the audience, it will be $20 a ticket. And all that money goes towards the special, the production of the special, of course. And let's see.

You can get your tickets at Harland Williams.com. There's a link there on my stand-up tour page. So if you want to try something a little more unusual, something a little different, something you've never seen before, a dog doing stand-up comedy, there you go. June 22nd, Irvine Improv. Also, check out my show coming up, I think, in the next two weeks, in Brea, California, which is the opposite direction of Irvine.

That's to the east. If you go about 40 minutes east to Braya, California, I will be doing stand-up comedy there. Always have a great time in Braya. That's June 15th to June 18th. And you might even get a sneak peek at Larry or at Carmelcorn the Pug. I might do a few little moments of warm-up material as I'm getting ready for my special. I might show up as Carmelcorn and do five or ten minutes just to get the

juice is flowing so there you go uh and then that's pretty much it for the rest of the summer man i'm probably going to be doing a bunch of local shows around hollywood and stuff but i don't really have any uh big big uh stand-up comedy dates lined up the next the next thing i got going is uh man looks like uh probably in september what do i got going in september i don't even Chicago. So we'll see, brothers and sisters. So yeah, hopefully you can make that. And other things at the website,

we have a store full of fun merchandise. You can order shirts and CDs and books and digital downloads and all kinds of fun stuff at harlandwilliams.com. You can also write me if you want to write me and send me an email. Always love to hear from you Or you can call me

323-739-43330 3-2-7-39-43-30 Leave me a voicemail, man It rings about six times for some reason Before it picks up But you don't have to talk to anyone It's just a voicemail So you can sing or dance

Or make cow noises Or Baby alligator noises, whatever you want And I might put your voicemail on the show I love hearing from you guys It just warms my heart My little koala heart And don't forget to get our free app

For your telephone Just to go in your app store Type in the Harland Highway And you can listen to the show Wherever you go, baby If you want to hear every episode We've ever done Become a premium member

It's only $20 a year and you get every almost 1,000 episodes, all right? We're coming up on 1,000 episodes, man. So, yeah, if you want the whole library, it's only $20. That's like hours and hours and that's like years of entertainment. It would probably take you a year to listen to them all. For $20, that's an amazing deal. So I hope you join, become a premium member.

It helps our cause here, and we appreciate it. And from time to time, I put up special content just for premium members to listen to. So you got that going for you, man. And that's it. I hope you had a good time. Please tell your friends about the Harland Highway. Spread the word, man. We want everyone to have this much fun every, you know, tampons and baby alligators and roosters and cocks.

Oh, it's just wonderful. So there you go. We're going to wrap it up right there. Thank you for being here today. Until next time, everybody. Chicken. Chalmayne. Baby.

Up in the sky. Look! It's a bag! It's a plane. It's Superman.