The Harland Highway - 876 - DEMITRI OLIO, Ice cream guy. FACE FILTERS. Updated words.

Episode Date: June 8, 2017

Ice cream man DEMITRI OLIO comes by with his outrageous ice cream treats. Old words, new meanings. Face Filters. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Dun-da-nan-nan-da-na-dan-da-da-da-da-da-da. Okay, wrong theme song, Stolen. Hey, everybody, Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway. It's just about summer, and we have a guest coming on the show today who is all about summer, all about a certain aspect of summer. I won't tell you who it is, but he makes a surprise visit today. It's annoying as hell. You'll find out.

Um, also an unexpected question of the day today, a very unexpected question of the day comes out of nowhere. I just start talking about stuff and all of a sudden it turns into a question of the day. It has to do with the English language. So that gets a little interesting. And then also going to talk about, have you been on the dating apps? Have you seen the girls that put the filters on their faces? Yeah, got to talk about the face filter girls. That's just a given, man.

We got to talk about that. And then I'm going to do a quick little movie review of Wonder Woman. I went to see Wonder Woman. So you'll hear if I give it a thumbs up or a thumbs down. And then on a way home from Wonder Woman, something happened to me that could have been disastrous. It could have killed me. But I'm still here. This is the Harland Highway

Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-chic-chac-cha, chik-a-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall.

Oh, maine, baby. And the creature from all the spayy. Please don't stop. I got to feed an ugly. A magnificent performance. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you.

Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Ah, yes. Sweet music. A little musac to easy. us into the show. La la la la la la la.

Okay, thank you, Roger. I don't know. There's something about that music that just kind of lifts your spirits and makes you happy, carefree and gay. Can you say that anymore? Gay? Remember there was a time when gay was just

it meant you were just light and frivolous and wonderful? Everything was just peachy and gay And a good time Well, not anymore You're gay You're having some fun With your fellow man or your fellow lady

Yeah, that gay word Has a whole new Conantation now, I'll tell you You can't walk down the street and say Oh, I'm feeling so gay today you love like a bunch of guys at what won't he say what what oh who what's your name come back i thought you said you're feeling gay where's he going false alert i guess damn it god um you know i wonder i wonder if gay men say it or gay women maybe maybe they still use it

You know Hey, I'm I'm feeling so gay today Um, that's because you are gay, Stephen Oh, okay Well, I'm feeling double gay today, Stephen Well, I am

Stephen So I don't know It's interesting I wonder, are there other words That, um, have have kind of outlived their meaning? I mean, gay in the sense of how they used to use it, it's still applicable, I guess.

You could use it. It's rare. Oh, we had such a gay time at the picnic on the beach. It was absolutely smashing and gay, right? That was like the 20s, the 30s. Now it's like, oh, we had such a gay time on the beach. the beach oh my god i've never seen so many sea cucumbers right i mean times they've just changed are there other words

i don't know maybe that should be the the harland highway question of the day roger let's roll the thing that let's roll the theme the harland highway question of the day kind of did it backwards we kind of like like got the question of the day before we even planned it. But nonetheless, we got it. But I guess the question of the day is, are there other words? I'm racking my brain right now. Are there other words that at one point had a meaning but have now taken on, retained

their meaning, but taken on a new meaning as well? Like they've added a meeting, a meaning. Interesting. I mean, there's ones like Apple, you know, Apple and then Apple computers, but that's kind of a brand name thing. But is there a word in our common vocabulary that has taken on a new meaning, old boy? I don't know. That's a tough one. Gay is probably the main one that pops out.

And that didn't sound right there. what I just said. Did somebody say pop out? Excuse me? Excuse me? Hello? I'm not sure. I'm racking my brain. So I guess we'll just leave that as the question of the day. Maybe it'll come back to me later. Maybe I'll come up with it while I'm going to ban tonight and I'll drop it on you in another podcast. But I'm going to put the task to you, the pavement pounders. Are there other words that have kind of morphed and become something other than what they originally were meant

to be. There it is. The challenge. Let me know. Call me. 323739, 43330 or you can write me at harlandwilums.com. It's the Harland Highway Question of the day. The Harland Highway, question of the

day. Okay, be honest. How many of you be honest, put your hands in the air put your hands in the air please how many of you have been on a dating app how many of you have been on the tinder or been on the bumble or whatever the hell they are farmers only dot com or you know um how many of you be honest boys and girls put your hands in the air um and how many of you have noticed at least with the girls that they like to put filters on their faces, which right out of the gate raises some red flags, right?

I mean, hey, what's up, filter face? Sounds like it's some kind of like weird shark that lives at the very bottom of the ocean. The filter face shark actually doesn't eat flesh. It sifts through the silt on the bottom of the ocean floor and the filter face shark. looks for small microorganisms that it sifts through. I mean, come on, filter face. Have you seen it? People, you know, they make their face look like rainbows and goblins.

And the main one that seems to show up on the dating apps is dogs. The girls will put like ears and a little muzzle, a little nose and a snout, and a dog tongue and little whiskers and sometimes little eyelashes. And it's like, okay, I'm on the dating app and I'm looking for a girl, but I get a dog. I'm like, well, why don't I just go down to the Humane Society or the pet shelter and look for dogs there?

I don't expect to go to the Humane Society and see women behind Bollinger. bars in the cages. Pick me, pick me, pick me, pick me. I'm beautiful. Pick me, pick me. Take me home. Take me home. I'll be dedicated and unconditionally love you. Right? You don't reverse the roll. So, um, I'm thinking, you know, the reason girls are putting the filters on their

faces is, you know, A, they could do it under the guise of being cute. But are they really doing it because they lack confidence? Are they not confident in their looks? Are they hiding something? Are they like, you know what, I've got really cute eyes, and my face is nice, it's got a good shape, but my teeth look like a fucking jack-o-lantern, and my nose looks like I used to box in Korea town. Oh, wait a minute, I'll put a cute puppy dog filter on my face, and they'll never know. yeah they'll never know until they show up you can't trick a dude it's like he shows up

and he's looking at you he's looking at your filter face and he you know can you be mad at him if he goes hey you know what Kelly I think I liked you better as a Rottweiler you you were a lot hotter as a basset hound I was much more aroused when you were a Doberman Pinscher. This real-life view, I mean, is there any way we can put the filter on while we go on this date? Can I have, do you have a button anywhere where I can filter your face out?

I'd rather be seen with a, you know, a German shepherd than with you. Holy shit. You are rough, baby. So I don't know. Is that the type of scrutiny you're going to get if you conceal your face? You filter your face. And also, it's a little weird when you're like a 29-year-old or 34-year-old or 45-year-old woman and you're putting little filters on your face, what's that say about maybe your maturity level?

What's that say about your kind of state of mind? You know, I'm a nice girl. I like to go walk on beaches. I'm really ambitious. I have my own career. I love my family. And sometimes I like to be a poodle. Yeah.

Sometimes I like to chase sticks and chase squirrels. I like to wipe my ass. by dragging it along the ground or on a carpet. Do you want to see? Where are you going? Come back. So, you know, there you go. I'm not sure the logic behind it, but, you know, the dog people,

the face filters are out there. I guess enjoy them at your own risk, man. Yikes. Well, what do you know? A ham sandwich. Crab apples. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex?

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All right. Moving on. Moving on to, uh, this is kind of an intense topic. Uh, I don't know if anyone else ever talks about this, but it's, uh, it's very intense. It's, it. Hello? It's, it. Hello?

Who the hell is that? Hello, my name is Dimitri Olio. I'm here to sell you some wonderful ice cream bars. What, how did you get in here? Oh, summertime is just around the course. corner and I'm selling the wonderful juicy, cold, chili, chili, willy ice cream bars. I don't want an ice cream bar. I'm in the middle of a podcast. Oh, you must have a nice...

The hot summer weather is coming and Remitri Olio has delicious, wonderful ice cream bars in his little cart. How did you get your ice cream card up here? I brought it up the freight elevator. The freight elevator. Yes, what can I get you? Delicious, I got the Lemon Yellow Snickety-Clickety. What?

I've got the lemon-y-y-knickety-click-a-dy. I've got the wonderful nutty, nutty crunch, crunchy. I've got wonderful orange delight surprise. Yum-Yum slurpy. I don't want a nutty-nuddy-nudgy-crunchy. I don't want a yum-nuddy-y-chunchy. I don't want a yum.

Yum, orange slurpy. How about a one-dana banana? Everybody like a one-dana banana. Can I get you one, two, three, or four? One-dana banana. I don't want a one-a-banana. It's not pronounced that way. It's a one-dana-banana.

Can I get you one, two, three, or four? I don't want even one of whatever that is. How about a delicious fudgy McFudge floggy? A what? Fudgy McFudge floggy. It's double fudge with a fludge wadgy. What is a fludge wadgy? It's made of fudge.

It's a fudgy McFludge wadjie. Are you making these up? Or how about a frosty cherry berry surprise? You can eat it upside down or you can eat it sideways. A frosty cherry berry surprise, with very cherry in the middle and on the outside, yellow frosty ice ice. No, I don't want whatever you just said. Can you get out of here, please? Olio!

Ollio here with a frosty ice cream bar. How about an ice cream sandwich? But instead of just vanilla ice cream inside, we have mango chutney, onion ice cream mango chutney onion yes all the way from India delicious treat from the far east no get

out I'm doing a podcast how about a crunch m'crisel crabby m'crumchle shizzled gizzle crunch munch munch no get out of here Olio

I'll give you one last choice before I leave and then maybe you can make a decision, please. There will be no decision. I don't want an ice cream bar. Here it comes. Are you ready? No, I'm not ready.

How about a wonderful lemon lime, lickety, yum, yum, yum. It's yummy, yummy, yummy lime with lickety, lickety, lick. Lemony, lemony, lemony, lime with lum-lum, nick-knick, lemon lime. Lick-lum-knit-num-knit. Shut up! Can you turn your music off? You're giving me a headache. Can you please go?

Okay, but I will come back later on and you will have a wonderful ice cream treat. No, I won't. You won't be back later on. Goodbye. I'll see you like it. Are you sure I can't give you a cantaloupe cooler? It's a cantaloupe with ice cream dream

and rippy slurpy ice chaco Chocolato ice chirpies. I don't want ice chirpies. Get out! None of these are real. Out! God! Roger, do you mind?

I'm trying to do a professional podcast. I don't need an ice cream guy in here. What? Yeah, I know it's... We're raid at the beginning of summer, but you just don't let people in here. Dimitri Olio or whatever is... He was here.

He's been here before, hasn't he? Aye, aye, aye. Thank God he's gone. How about a vanilla swizzlediz with a fudgey chocolate, nutty crunch fudge, shizzledy-diz, causal flog, swoggleggledy-moggledy-moggledyglog. Get out! God!

Lock the door, Roger. Do a commercial and let's move on. For my feminine itching, I depend on Vagicil cream to stop it instantly. And for a painful burning itch, I get maximum strength Vagicil for even stronger relief. There's Vagicil cream and maximum strength. All right, here's a little, I guess you could call this a safety tip or a health and safety promo or whatever you want announcement. Here's the headline from me personally, don't buy. your dairy fresh eggs at the corner gas station.

Okay? Yeah, this happened to me. I was coming home from a movie last night. Went to see Wonder Woman, by the way. Actually, a lot better than I thought. I was worried that it was going to be like, you know, watching the Helen Reddy I Am Woman song video. You know.

I thought it was giving me like this big, like, feminist, we hate men type of movie, but it was actually a really good movie. It empowered women. It was strong and showed a strong empowered woman female hero, but it also didn't amasculate men the way I thought the whole movie would. Men kind of took a bit of a backseat to the women, but it's a movie called Wonder Woman. So obviously she's got to be, you know,

the end of the day, the strongest, the toughest, the kick-assiest. But they didn't overdo it. They didn't make it look, you know, they didn't make men look like pieces of crap and useless and helpless and weak and, you know, I thought they found a nice balance. I thought they injected a little bit of a humor, a bit of sexuality into the movie. And this girl that played the lead, Gal Godot. I love that name, by the way. I doubt it's real.

it is, but gal is just such a cool name, and then Godot. Gal Godot. But she's one of those actresses that you just couldn't take your eyes off. She was stunningly beautiful, but in a rather simplistic way. She's got exotic features, yet she kind of looks like that everyday girl. And, you know, she kind of downplayed her sexuality and her beauty, and she was just kind of there. and being real. And man, she just, you know,

it reminded me of when I saw a pretty woman with Julia Roberts for the first time. You know, I didn't expect to be riveted by Julia's good looks. Like every time, every angle, every shot of Julia Roberts in that movie, you were just like, oh, my God. Look at the beauty radiating off the screen. Well, in my opinion, for what it's worth,

Gal Godot kind of does the same thing. She's a very beautiful in a very kind of statuesque, like, mature woman way, but she's still kind of girlish to a degree, but she's very womanly. And I don't know, just they got the casting right, man. I really enjoyed it. But anyways, I'm straying as I was coming home from Wonder Woman. And I was thinking, I started thinking about, geez, what am I going to do tomorrow morning when I wake up? I'm going to be hungry and I don't want to go to McDonald's.

for breakfast. Oh, I know. I'll stop. I drive right past a 24-hour gas station with one of those little, you know, gas station marts. I'll just pull in there and I'll grab some supply. So I walk in, I grab me some apple juice, some orange juice, a little, you know, a little bowl of, you know, Cocoa Krispies and some lucky charms. And then I say, see, you got bacon and eggs? He goes, yeah, bro, over there. So I go over, no bacon, but they add eggs. So I'm looking. I look, okay, there's a dozen eggs. I grab them. Of course, the next morning I wake up

and I crack a couple open and, you know, it was a nice clean crack. You know, sometimes you crack them and the yolks break. You're like, oh, man. But these were nice, clean cracks. And the first egg would sit there frying the egg and everything was proportioned,

the white part, and the yolk was forming. And then the second one, I had a nice clean crack. and it was there and then all of a sudden I kind of looked away to get some bread because you got to put your fried eggs on bread bros and I came back and the yoke was kind of bleeding out like it was somehow it had it had you know ruptured and I was like oh that's weird okay so I was like you know what I bought 12 eggs that there's I'm probably not going to eat all of them I usually end up throwing a few out because they sit in the fridge too long so I'll just take another one I was really looking forward to two eggs that were in good condition without a broken yolk. So I crack another one nice and clean and it's cooking and then after like about

two minutes I see just a little a little bit of yolk bleedage. I'm like oh that's interesting and the yolk starts and then that one blend. I was like you know what I'm not going to do a third one I'll eat the one with the bleeding yolk whoopi do. They're eggs. They're fragile right? So I eat them. They were fine and then I thought, you know, I'm going to just look at the box, see what the expiration date is.

So I look at the carton and it says sell eggs before this date and I'm realizing it's seven days past that date. And somewhere in the back of my brain, you know how we have this kind of closet full of information? that you know the useless information closet in your brain you've got this vast collection of weird facts and little bits of knowledge that you don't think you'll ever use and somewhere in the back of my brain

my brain was going you know the first sign of an egg that's not good is when the yolk like doesn't hold together somewhere in the back of my head I feel like I heard that Like if the yolk kind of just kind of, you know, ruptures, that's an indication that the egg is not fresh.

And that's what inspired me to look at the date on the carton. And it was like, sure enough, it was seven days overdue. And I'm like, oh, my God. But this is after the fact. So now I'm like, oh, my God, I've got two rotten eggs inside me. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And I'm just like counting in my head, 10, 9.

I'm waiting for the salmonella to kick in I'm waiting for the stomach cramps I'm preparing to roll around on the floor vomiting blood and I'm like oh my god and then I'm not mad at myself I'm like what the hell did you think Harland you bought your damn farm

fresh eggs at the Arco station bro the Arco station that's open 24 hours you know you know the place where if you want to use the bathroom You've got to get a cut-off hockey stick with a key attached to it. Remember that place? Where they sell loafs of bread right beside the transmission fluid and the windshield washer fluid?

Or if you're not careful, you might mistake the windshield washer fluid for that blue Gatorade. Yeah. So here I'm buying food. At a gas station of all places. Now, it's one thing to buy the package food like the Twinkies and the honey buns and the nacho chips, the Doritos. I mean, these things will be around after the mushroom clouds go off. These things will survive Hiroshima, man.

You could eat a Twinkie 40 years from now and it'll still be creamy, chewy good. But you shouldn't be buying your farm fresh. eggs from the shell station with the bathroom with the glory hole in the wall. You know what I'm saying? So now I'm driving around town. It's, you know, it was a morning. Now I've got some lunch meetings. I've got to be places.

I've got work to do. And I'm just thinking, okay, at what point do I, like, do I collapse? At what point does someone call the ambulance? At what point does the sweat start breaking out on my forehead? I'm thinking, oh, my God. You know, eggs can be iffy. On a good day, let alone you're eating rotten eggs, like I'm some kind of Komodo dragon that invaded an alligator nest or dug up rotten turtle eggs on the beach, you know, I'm just chomping away. It's like, good God.

I don't have that kind of stomach like a like a Komodo dragon where I can just eat like rotten shit and live. So thankfully I made it through There was no repercussions But I was mad at the gas station I'm like come on guys Like you know really I can see One day maybe two days a whole week Seven freaking days

And then in my head I go Well what if I hadn't bought the damn things How many more days would they have sat there Yuck So just a little health note here A little health tip for all you consumers out there in the public. Please, if you buy your farm fresh dairy produce at your local BP station, be extra vigilant and check the expiration date, okay?

Because, you know, not the best place in the world to be buying your yummies. But I'm proud to say I'm still alive. and we'll leave it right there. We'll leave it right there with the rotten eggs. And how about a nice raspberry fuzzlewazzle? We have those that are dipped in cashew nuts, crushed up nuts, raspberry fuzzle, or strawberry dream machine cracker crunch.

Oh, it's oleo. Get out of here! God! It's end the show. I told you not to let that freak back in here. Oh, this is going to be a long summer. I have a feeling barbecue Eddie, and this guy, it's coming, folks. It's coming.

Anyways, what's also coming is me doing stand-up comedy. Yes, next weekend, June 15th through the 18th at the Brea Improv. The Brea Improv in Brea, California, June 15th to the 18th. Please check it out. And then the following week, June 22nd, I saw. shoot my stand-up comedy special at the Irvine Improv as Carmel Corn the Pug. That's right. I'm going to be doing my whole special an hour-long show as a dog.

I'm going to be a pug doing stand-up comedy. It's going to be ridiculous, weird, funny. If you want to get tickets, Harlandwilliams.com. And you can also go to the Improv.com and get tickets from their site. There's a little promo video where you can see me in action. and it's going to be fun, man. Also, don't forget, you can get tickets for that at all those shows at harlomewilms.com. Just go and click on my stand-up tour link.

Also, while you're there, check out our store. We have a great store where you can order merchandise. We'll send it out to you. Lots of fun there. Also, there's a phone number there. If you want to call and leave a voicemail, 323-739-4330, 332739, 43330. You can say whatever the hell you want.

Or you can write me at harlomwilms.com. We have a contact link on the website. And while you're there, get our free app. You can also become a premium member for $20 a year. You get every single episode of the highway we've ever done, not to mention bonus material that I put up from time to time, which I think you'll enjoy. uh and also yeah get your app on your cell phone the harland uh harland highway app just go to the app store type in harland highway podcast and boom it's totally free you can listen to us wherever you are cool stuff right um and that's it man that's all i got for you for now um i hope you're watching my my animated show puppy dog pals on the disney channel with your kids disney july

Junior. It's, uh, my producer today said to me, went to lunch. He goes, it's a bona fide hit. We, we got great numbers. We got great reviews. People are loving it. So that, that's really exciting. We have a bona fide hit. Yay. Uh, yeah, puppy dog pals. And that's it. I hope you had a good time here today. Please tell your friends. Get your friends on the Harland Highway, please. And we'll leave it right there. And until next time, chicken. Chau me, baby? How about a crunch McChrysal, Crabby McRunzel,

Shizzle de Gizzle, Crunch Munch, Munch.