The Harland Highway - 877 - The art of talking to STRANGERS. Soda Pop theft! Dr. ASCOT vs CAMPFIRE TIMMY!

Episode Date: June 12, 2017

The art of talking to STRANGERS, how far should you go? Soda Pop theft! Dr. ASCOT confronts CAMPFIRE TIMMY! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Here we go, here we go, here we go, here we go. It's the Harland Highway, a little country twang to that, right? Square Dancy. Welcome, everyone. I'm Harland Williams, and this is the Harlan Highway podcast. Thank you for riding along with me. I do appreciate it. Interesting show today.

We're going to be taking a lot of your phone calls and answering some of your questions. One of them gets a little deep and serious, and, you know, It was kind of like one of the pavement pounders is like, Harland, help me, what would you do? So I kind of went into great detail with this phone call. And that's kind of towards the top of the show. And then later on in the show, we have a very interesting phone call. Well, one of the pavement pounders makes a suggestion.

And this could be the worst day of my life. Dr. Ascott and Camp Fire Timmy show up and turn my studio upside down. It's just, it's nightmares. Wait to you hear what happens. And then at the end, we're going to talk about, you know, one of the questions of the day that I had recently about feeling guilty about stealing soda pop

or topping off the soda pop in your cup. Well, someone brought me out of my guilt. His name's Fat-Ass Freddy or something like that. So here we go. Let's do it. This is, the Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby.

You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-chic-chac-cha! Chikich-choo-Main, baby. And the creature from all this, baby.

Please don't stop. I gotta need an ugly... Ugly nice. Magnificent performance. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say?

We get down to business. Hello? Hello? Hi, Harlan. Just a fan of yours, and I had a question. I was at a party recently, and I was speaking at length with a person I met at this party. I never met him before, but he was talking at this social gathering, and he's a 35-year-old man, and through the course of our discussion,

he's telling me some of the issues he's been having in his wife. religiously speaking, he was saying how, you know, he was finding Buddhism really interesting, but he was having a difficult time, co-mingling with the other people at the temple or the temple he was coming to or something. And then he was explaining some other issues that he had where he wasn't getting along with people. And then at the end of the discussion, I felt like this one. He was having a couple of drinks, but he must have felt pretty comfortable with the environment. He was, he started to say that he was a cross-stressor, and that one time he was on the bus,

and some people were harassing him for wearing women's dress, and he was explaining how, you know, he didn't understand why people were harassing him or whatever he did be. And, you know, when he said that, my first instinct was to say, say, and this is, and I did end up saying it, I just said, oh, well, you know, whatever you want to do, you know, there's nobody, you know, I shouldn't, nobody should judge you for that, you know, but, and I've been thinking about it ever since and been bugging me because after everything he told me about, you know, brief encounters, I'm thinking of myself like, this is the guy who has this clear identity crisis issue

and all life's taking him after everything he told me about himself was do whatever he wants, what are he going to do? You know, and I'm thinking to myself, like, I wonder, is there anybody who's ever told him that maybe he should consider seeing the therapist or, I mean, this is a guy who's got a lot of issues clearly, and I just wonder, is everybody just kind of rushed it off because they're afraid to stay? something that might be a little edgy or something uncomfortable, like, you know, I don't know,

I wonder now if maybe I should have said something out. And I just wonder, have you ever been in a situation like this, or how would you handle that? I love you show, man. Chick-and-chaun me. Oh, thank you, brother. Thank you. I think we've all been in this situation, okay? I think we've all been in a situation where we've met a stranger or a friend of a friend

and they kind of spoke up and maybe revealed too much, or maybe they were just completely comfortable with what they were talking about. And it was maybe a topic that was controversial or a topic that was even taboo or a topic that was uncomfortable, whatever. And they started talking about it, And you were kind of a bit taken aback because it was, you know, put you out of your comfort zone. It's maybe a topic you're not familiar with or maybe you're very opinionated about or you're not sure about. Either way, there's some confusion, right?

And you're not sure how to, it's not like, hey, how's the weather? Well, it's sunny and warm. You know, there's easy conversations and then there's tough ones. And we've all been confronted with these ones. And it sounds like you were in a situation where you kind of gave a very generic answer to avoid really connecting with this person. And I'm not 100% sure if this person was directly asking you your opinion or they were just pontificating about their life and their situations and we're kind of waiting for you to respond and comment on it. And unfortunately, in today's world, because there's so much political correctness, and I think people might be oversensitive and don't want to hear the truth a lot, it's hard to give an answer that comes from the heart. It's hard to give an answer that's engaging because your head is so full of all these societal injected.

that you will constantly edit yourself as you're giving the answer to the point where it's not really you answering. You see what I'm saying? You're giving answers based on tidbits that you've heard along the way. You're giving the answers that society has kind of dictated that you're supposed to give.

It's rare that someone just gives a raw, brutal answer, just straight from the gut. And unfortunately, many of us have been programmed, without even really knowing it, which is even sadder, we've been conditioned and even brainwashed to a degree to give the answer that's acceptable, to give the answer that fits the narrative, to give the answer that perhaps the person is actually looking for. because to not give the right answer, you know, shines the light on you and you can be labeled. You can be labeled as opinionated or racist or homophobic or who knows what. Insensitive, in caring. And suddenly, people who want to offer up sincere conversation and sincere opinions to questions they are asked, and let's not forget,

when you're asked something, the floodgates are open. If someone doesn't want to hear your opinion, they should not ask you your opinion or ask you for advice or ask you what you think. And so we dance around a lot of things very trepidaciously. And sadly, we shortchange ourselves because, you know, a lot of times the truth or other people's opinions, whether they'd be right or wrong, aren't comfortable. And I don't know if in your situation here,

if this person was kind of, it sounded like maybe they were kind of reaching out or crying out, like they sounded confused about religion. It sounded like, as you stated, they're a bit confused about their sexuality. And maybe they were looking for some kind of sincere, honest feedback. Maybe some type of guidance or even just an opinion so they can balance it against their own mindset, you know?

And so what happens is when we censor ourselves like this, and when we pull back and shortchange ourselves from engaging and getting into interesting, passionate, controversial conversations, we just walk away from it, and I sense this with you, my faithful pavement pounder, You walked away feeling a bit empty. You walked away feeling like a bit of a druid. You know, like those guys on Star Wars. You know, just another faceless person without their own point of view,

without their own expressive thought. Except the difference between a druid and you is that you're full of your own point of view and your expressive thought. We all are. but we've created this horrific society where we're really not allowed to express anything. We're really not allowed to engage and talk about things. And for all I know, you might have had some thoughts that might have helped this person, maybe guided this person, or the opposite.

You might have completely insulted this person and sent them over the edge, but that doesn't matter. people should be allowed to engage and, you know, walk away from a conversation or take little nuggets from it or reject it vehemently or accept it wholeheartedly. But we don't even give each other the chance to go there anymore. And this isn't just with people in public. I find this is a lot in tight social groups where you're with friends. I've seen this.

I've witnessed this where even friends, close friends are concerned about opening up and expressing opinions and letting their thoughts and feelings be known. In fact, maybe you're guilty of it. Have you ever been on a long road trip with a buddy or, you know, sitting in a restaurant and some, some, you know, interesting or tough topics come up and you're dancing around it? You don't really want to engage or you're fearful. of speaking your mind

and yet it leaves us feeling unfulfilled and the reason for that is in my opinion is because we are beings that are so capable of connecting and when we connect we feel so full we feel so accomplished we feel we feel like we have

meaning when we really truly connect deeply with other human beings and have deep below-the-surface conversations that are stimulating and move the needle to a degree or even get to, you know, someone's mind thinking. But in today's world, a lot of people hide behind the Internet and they have these conversations from a safe place where they don't have to look anyone in the eye or stand next to them and be on A lot of these people are now expressing their deeper thoughts, if you can call them deep. Sometimes they're just violent and sometimes they're just obnoxious, but they feel empowered to let these thoughts filter into the internet because they don't have to engage. And I could sense from your voicemail, my friend,

that you felt a little regretful that you laid in bed at night and you're like, why didn't I talk to that guy? Why didn't I offer him anything? Why did I just give him the bullshit generic answer? Oh, well, do what you want to do, buddy. You know? So here's what I do when I'm in these situations. You've got to be careful because sometimes people will bait you.

Sometimes people will ask you questions to pull you in to an argument or begin a conversation that goes off the rails or pull you in because they know they can label you. But very often, you know, most conversations begin from a sincere place. But always be careful of the baiters. But this sounded like it was a complete stranger. You met at a social function. so therefore there was an innocence to it.

I don't think this gentleman was baiting you. But sometimes because, you know, you may never see this person again. So you've got this conundrum. How invested do I want to get in this person's religion and sexuality? I'm never going to see them again. So should I? And that's sincere. You know, you might not want to get heavy with someone that you will never see again.

But then the other side is you might go, well, maybe I'm one of those inspirations that floats on the wind. Maybe I'm one of those chance encounters that this person just happened to ask me, and I offered up a nugget of wisdom, and it impacted them for the rest of their lives. And forever the wonder, who was that guy I met at that party? Because he said something that had so much clarity. and it resonated with me so deeply. It changed the way I thought and the way I approached life and certain things in life. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to

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H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. So sometimes you've got to look at from that point of view, if you sense someone's in need and they're kind of reaching out, they're asking for your help. You can maybe be courageous and lay down your thoughts.

And sometimes what I'll do is I'll test the water. Like sometimes, let's say if the guy said, oh, well, sometimes I like to cross-dress, well, instead of lecturing him or going on to do it, I'll go, oh, why do you like to do it? You know, I'll go a little, I'll go through the door a little bit. And that way, he has to offer up a little more information. And then maybe I'll go, well, where do you do it?

And then, you know, maybe I'll go a little deeper. And then, you know, if I see how he reacts that he's able to handle it or he's engaged and he wants more, you know, a conversation is like a movie. It has flow and it has a beginning, a middle, and an end, or just a crazy, like, shitty movie that makes no sense. But if you feel your conversation slash movie is going, well, you know, you can kind of inch your way into it and go deeper and decide when you want to cut it off.

The other approach is just to, you know, some people just get passionate and say, well, you know what I think, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the thing, and I have a friend about it, and they just charge through the wall with it, right? and they just kind of blather, you know. So just always keep in mind, and I'll wrap this up because it's a bit of a long answer. I apologize, but half of a conversation is listening. So, you know, a lot of times you don't have to, you can engage someone and prompt them to open up a bit more.

but a lot of times, you know, you don't have to be the one, you know, perpetuating the conversation. Instead of saying, oh, well, this is what I think. You can kind of lay out some tidbits that brings the person you're talking to out more. You can, in other words, lay little verbal breadcrumbs that goads them along to, you know, let them divulge more of themselves and then in a way you're letting them talk and kind of uh you know turn you into an a listening ear and maybe just by talking they they kind of uh self psychoanalyze themselves and so just you know listening being a good listener is just as good as being a big talker a good talker so so i don't know i i you know i wouldn't get too down on yourself because like

i said it's a very delicate matter when you decide to jump in on somebody else's intimate life i'll just go over the the bullet points uh you know always remember who it is decide how invested you want to be are you ever going to see this person again or if you have some kernels of wisdom that you think might help them or inspire them in passing, you can drop those, or you can just kind of probe a little deeper and talk and get a conversation going where you don't necessarily have to drop your opinion, but sometimes it's just as satisfactory to bring the content of a subject out and talk about it without being judgmental. and, you know, you can talk for 10 minutes about cross-dressing,

but maybe you can learn from it instead of going, well, I think it's weird, and I think you could go, oh, well, you know, I didn't really understand that side of it. I wasn't aware of that's how it kind of worked. I didn't realize people like yourself carried those kind of feelings. And so one should always be open to learning from the conversation, And sometimes you can learn by not being afraid and engaging in a conversation and not being afraid to go deeper and ask and probe and stimulate the other person.

So there you go, man. God, I feel like Dr. Ascot all of a sudden. Good God. But I shouldn't even say that guy's name. We don't want that. You know, last thing we want is psychoanalytical talk from that idiot. So thank you for your call, and I hope that helps, man. And it's quite a long answer.

Sometimes I just, you know, I like to be thorough. I like to, I hope I don't sound repetitive. But I like to get in there and kind of turn over every thought that's in my head that helps, you know, paint the picture as clearly as I'm seeing it, my head. So you guys have to let me know if I'm too long-winded because I was like a 15-minute answer for God's sake. You might have tuned out already. I don't know. I hope not. But maybe that's the conversation I need to have with you guys. It's sensitive. It's tough. But am I too long-winded? Somebody tell me. Talk to me. Listen to me. Why are you going? Come back. I asked you. I want to know.

All right, let's move on, baby. Hello. Hello. Harlan, hey. Man, just listened to your episode with that kid, Camp Fire Timmy. Man, that kid has got problems, Harlan. It's really bringing your podcast down. I don't know.

I think that kid needs to talk to somebody. I think he needs some help. It might be good to have an on-air therapy session with Kim Fiermy with old Dr. Ascot. I think Dr. Ascott could help him. Maybe if he can keep his cool. Just a suggestion. Oh, God, no, we just talked about Dr. Ascot. That will not happen.

I'm not putting Dr. Ascot and Timmy the campfire kid in the same room. Are you kidding me? Wait, what the hell? What the hell? No, no, no, no, no. Hello, Arland. What the hell? When did you get in here?

Well, you were busy on your microphone, Arland. I slipped in the back door, shall we say. Good Lord, you startled me, man. I'm sorry, Arland. but there's much work to be done. No, I don't have time for a therapy session right now. I'm in the middle of my podcast, okay? No.

It's not for you, Arland. What do you mean, it's not for me? I brought a friend he's standing in the shadows over in the corner. What do you mean? Standing in the shadows? Who the hell? Come on out, Timmy. No, no, no.

Hi! Oh, God! Oh, God, what? Oh, God, what? The crust on your, on the side of your lips? From when you probably sucked a crab sandwich at a seafood shanty? Kid, I don't suck crab sandwiches. I'll bet you do.

I'll bet you suck the meat out of a lobster's ass, too. Stop. Okay. Ascot. Holland. I don't want him or you in here. Holland. Stop saying my name.

You're going to give me a heart attack. Holland. Oh, my God, this is my worst nightmare come true. Your crusty teeth are my worst nightmare. I mean, God, how yellow is yellow. What are your teeth members of the Simpsons family? Shut up, kid. Up yours, crab face, crucklefuck?

I'm not a crab face crucklefock. You are in my book, and my book's only one page long. And guess what it's called? What? Crab-face, Crucklefuck. Stop it. Everybody settled down. Ask, Scott, why are you wearing a derby hat?

Holland. Well, it looks like you got a little derby hat on, and are you serious purple socks? Holland, let's focus on Timmy the Campfire Boy. What do you mean? Focus on Timmy. I think it's time maybe I did a therapy session with the child. A what? A therapy session.

I don't know what that is, but both of you perverts can go lay down on the shore of a lake and suck lake water. Timmy. What? Don't be rude, Timmy. I'm not being rude. I'm being honest. While you're out of, why don't you suck a speckled trout's eyes out of its face? Jimmy.

See, Ascot, this is the kind of moron stuff I deal with. Oh, and... Don't... Do your thing. If you're going to... Maybe this kid does need help. I don't need help. You need help.

Why don't you pull your shoelaces out and tie them around your eyelashes and hang from the ceiling with your eyes? Kid? Holland. Dimmie? Holland. What? Holland. Timmy?

Holland. What? Holland. Timmy! Stop! Stop! Everyone stop! I'd like to stop.

I'd like to get a time machine and stop time. And throw you through a black hole. So you landed in a oatmeal field. Ascot. Get to this kid. I don't want to hear any more insults from him. All right, Timmy, why don't you sit down? Why don't you sit on my face?

Creep? Timmy. God, purple socks and a derby hat. What are you locked in time in a Disney movie? Freak? Timmy. How do you like it, Ascot? Holland.

What? Timmy. Hurry up. Timmy, I want to ask you why you write your songs. What do you mean? That's what I do. I'm gifted. I write campfire songs. I know, but I've talked on many occasions with Harland during a therapy session. And he seems to be very anguished by your songs, Timmy.

Well, that's because he doesn't know good music when he hears it. The only music he hears is probably when his bedboards banging against the wall, when his construction worker friends are... I cut it out! To me. Well, it's probably true. To me. You've got a creepy voice, mister. What about my songs?

Why do you write songs that upset Holland? I don't know. I just write campfire songs. because I love the outdoors, and I love camping, and I love trees and leaves and all kinds of camping activities. Well, Timmy, why don't you sing one of your songs for... Oh, no, no, I don't want them to sing a song. Shut up, garble-barble. I'm not a garble-barble.

You sure look like one. Timmy, what is a garble-bubble? It's the little dingle-nut that dangles on your asshole after you do a chicken... Chalmaine Clambank turd. Jimmy. What the hell is going on here? What? What?

Holland. Well, I'm just like, you know what? I'm going to sit here and you go at it. Yeah, I'll bet you'll sit there. Why don't you lay a turkey egg and crack it over your sister's fat forehead and suck the yolk out of her eyes? Not, not jumping in. Keep going. Jimmy, let's try and control the insults.

Okay, how about you? Nice nose hairs coming out of your nose. What did you snort in family of Ewoks? Timmy, sing one of your songs. Okay, here it is. What is it, Timmy? Um, it's a campfire song. Okay, does it have a name, Timmy?

Um, yes. Okay, what is it? Toomey. It's called Let's all roast the weiner. Okay, Timmy. Go ahead.

This should be rich. Shut up! Timmy. Okay, let me get my guitar. Here we go. Oh, let's roast the weiner. Let's roast the weiner all night long. Let's roast a wiener.

weaner and sing a fire camp song. Roast the wiener over the flame. It's plump. It's juicy. It's smoking again. Oh, let's roast the wiener over the campfire coals. The wiener is plump. It's sweaty and it's plump.

It's juicy and it's plump. It's sweaty and it's plump. Bullets suck. Okay, Timmy, I think we've earned enough. Suck it all night long. Suck your campfire weiner. Suck that giant fat ding-dog. Oh, oh, oh, suck your campfire wiener.

Suck until your face turns blue. Suck your goddamn campfire weter Until it pisses all over you! Timmy, stop it, Timmy. I told you, Ascot. Suck your campfire wiener, huh? That's right. Why don't you? Timmy?

Um... Yes? Uh... Go ahead, Ascot. Psycho-analyze the kid. Uh, does anyone mind if I step out and use the men's room? Why don't you take him with you? He likes men.

Timmy! Shut up! Uh, I've got to get gone. What do you mean you've got to get going? You're bailing, aren't you, Ascot? Uh, no, I just need to put some money in the meter hall. No, you're skipping out. You never left one of my sessions, but you leave this stupid kid's session.

I'm not stupid, pumpkin pie face. Why don't you go to a bat cave and scrape your eyes with bat feet? So you have bat claw stains on your eyes. See? Get them out. I'll be back shortly, gentlemen. Where are you going, Ascot? Don't leave me alone with this idiot.

Thank you for everything. Thank you, Timmy. Wait, go. Oh, come back. Come back. Well, it looks like it's me and you. How about a campfire song, Mr. Williams? Timmy?

Timmy, I, no, no, no, no. Here we go. This one's called. No, I don't want to hear a campfire song. This one's called. Let's build a log cabin in the woods. Oh, let's build a log cabin in the woods. Oh, put it up, put it up, put it.

Where are you going? Hello? What, hello? Where is everyone? What the, what the fuck? Where? Let's build a log cabin. Let's build it in the woods.

Yes, we will. Put in a window. A window or two, and we can look at the woods. Hello? Hello? Oh, suck! Your catfire reader! Suck until it makes you turn blue!

Hello? What's this button do? Whoa! For my feminine itching, I depend on Vagicil cream to stop it instantly. And for a painful burning itch, I get maximum strength Vagicil for even stronger relief. There's Vagicil cream and maximum strength. Are we back up and running, Roger? Yeah, the idiot.

No, she hit the main power button and shut everything down for like half an hour. Okay, we're all good. We're up and running. Okay, Roger's giving me the thumbs up. Sorry there, folks. We, uh, the idiot kid just, he, he started touching the, I left the room. I couldn't take it. Dr. Ascot even bailed on that moron.

And the kid hit our power and whatever. We are back. Oh, my God. You know what, Roger? I can't end the show on this. Can we take one more phone call and then we'll get out? Let's end on something. other than what we just heard.

Yeah, play another phone call. Yeah, this is Frankie Fadass. Just calling in from a podcast I heard a few days ago. You were saying that you felt cheap when you fell in your McDonald's soda cup all the way to the top. Well, I got one better for you. When I was in my early 20s, I was lazy and broke. I used to go to McDonald's drive-thru, my girlfriend. she would drive

McDonald's wouldn't charge you for a cup of water at this point we just order a cup of water maybe a hamburger or two and I grabbed a cup of water from her parking the parking lot I dumped the water out and walk inside to the self-serve

soda station and fill my cup up with that sweet nectar of the gods that sweet sweet, sweet Coke but don't feel so bad Arland I was a lot cheaper take an easy to the podcast all right thank you uh frankie fat ass this is uh frankie fat ass yeah frankie fat ass i did a i did a podcast a little

ways back where i talked about uh you know feeling guilty about topping off my my soda pop at the soda pop machines at the fast food restaurants you know i felt kind of guilty that you know you'd get it right towards the right towards the top but there'd still be that little small space, so you kind of keep tapping the dispenser until it kind of until it levels off. But thank you for making me feel not guilty. It sounds like you want to step further and you'd go right in the store. And, you know, for lack of a better term, steal.

Now here's the difference. What I was doing was filling my cop with what I was. was what I paid for. So I was just trying to make sure I got my money's worth. But what you were doing, my friend, and I know you know this, you were committing a crime. You were committing a soda pop crime. You were not topping your cup off.

You were taking a cup that was supposed to contain water, dumping it out, sneaking back into not even sneaking walking blatantly back into the fast, food joint, and filling said water cup with soda pop. So you were being cheap, but you were also being criminal. A double whammy, my friend, Frankie Fatass. Frankie Fatass. So in a way, Frankie Fatass, you have succeeded in alleviating my guilt, not my guilt for, you know, topping off my soda pop.

But I guess I don't feel. as guilty now next to you, so to pop thief. So because you are so guilty, right? Let's be honest, you went in and stole something you didn't pay for, which it kind of goes beyond cheap. So now I don't feel as cheap because you did something that was deeper than cheap, so now I don't feel so cheap. So Frankie, fat ass, because of your criminal activity,

you you have lifted me up out of my guilt about topping off my cup thank you thank you for your criminality thank you for your soda pop

thievery you know I think you're not the only one who does that man I think a lot of people do that and you know what that the truth is I mean you know let okay here's here's the dad in me

we should never steal Well, we should never steal boys and girls. But the reality is, you know, you're allowed to go and refill your cup as much as you want when you, if you're in the store. And let's be honest, that's where they make their killing. I mean, this is just liquid sugar. They're basically injecting syrup into carbonated water. So, you know, if you pay $2 for a Coke, it probably costs the fast food place about three. Three cents.

So even though you did a no-no, Frankie Fatass, it wasn't the worst crime committed against humanity, okay? And I get it. You laid it out there. You said you were going through some tough times. You were broke. You didn't have a job. You didn't have a couple of bucks in your pocket.

I think we're all guilty. Let he who is without sin cast the first soda cup. I think all of us in times of desperation, in times of need, have, you know, done little things to keep ourselves alive. I mean, do you remember when you were in college or high school and you had no money in your pocket and you'd have to go shopping at the grocery store? How many of you would like, you know, pop a grape in your mouth or, you know, take a bite of some canned? that was in the candy bin, or, you know, maybe even drank a soda while you're walking up and down the aisles and then put the empty bottle back on the shelf.

Uh-huh. I remember I did it once just so you don't feel so bad, Frankie Fatass. Frankie Fat-Ass. I remember taking my little sister. She was probably like three years old. And I was babysitting her, and we went up to the mall. and I put her in the front basket of a shopping cart and you know I didn't have any money

I was probably only 12 or 13 myself I'm taking care of my little baby sister and I put her in the front of the shopping cart and I walked up and down the aisles pretending I was shopping but one of the first things I picked up was a little carton of chocolate milk oh I love chocolate milk and what I did is I shook it and I opened it and then I put it in her little baby hands

you know three or four years old and then you know every so often I'd take it from her and I'd glugged down like three or four gulps and then I put it back in her hands you know kind of my strategy was oh if if any of the the guys who worked at the store saw me or saw her I could just go oh what Oh, my little baby, the baby opened it.

The baby opened it. I'm sorry. You know babies. They don't even know. They don't know about money. They're babies. I didn't even notice. I was so busy shopping.

I didn't notice she opened it and it's half gone. Like, that was literally my criminal game plan. That was my, and it actually worked. I only did it once. I don't even think my little sister's aware that she was in on this crime. She was an accomplice. but I drank one of those small cartons of chocolate milk and she was like my she was like my my Ponzi

you know she was no she was my uh what do you call it uh I don't she was my uh my partner in crime my flusy no not a flusy what is it it's uh my crony she was my crony she was in on it but she didn't even know it so there you go Fat ass, Freddie. Frankie Fat ass. So sorry, Frankie Fatass.

So there it is. I think we got all our guilt out. Thank you for the calls, everyone. Today's show mostly revolved around your phone calls, except for that horrific therapy session where Camp Fire Timmy knocked us off the air for like 45 minutes. Good Lord. So we'll leave it there.

Let's see. What kind of announcements do I have for you, people? You Frankie fat asses. This weekend, man. Yes, catch me at the Brea Improv. It's just outside of Los Angeles in the city of Brea. I will be doing stand-up comedy there. June 15th to the 18th.

It's going to be a great show. And then the following week, yes, indeed. June 22nd. I will be at the Irvine. improv in Orange County, California, shooting my special for Carmelcorn the Pug. I'm going to shoot my whole special as a dog. So if you want to get tickets to come and see that fiasco, it's going to be bizarre and weird and twisted, but you can get tickets at Harlow Williams.com for the Carmel Corn the Pug taping on June 22nd

or the Braia Improv June 15th to the 18th. So there you go. Also while you're at the website, you can write me at harlindwilliams.com. You can phone me. We have a phone number, 323739, 43330. And you can leave a message like Fat-Ass Freddy did. Frankie Fat-Assass. Apologies.

Maybe the reason you're a fat-ass, Frankie, is because you stole so much soda and you drank it and you got a fat-ass. bud there you see you're paying for your crime man that's karma what goes around comes around frankie fat ass you're burned bro you're burned um also don't forget to get our uh free app it's on your cell phone the harland highway uh app just type it in in your app store and download for free you get the the 50 latest episodes of the podcast absolutely free and if you want the whole collection we're coming up on a thousand episodes can you believe

believe it uh you can uh you can uh you can uh buy get that for twenty dollars a year join the premium membership at harland williams dot com and also i do some bonus material from time to time i put up there for you guys and it's all good so uh check out our store at harland williams dot com don't forget to watch my show puppy dog pals on the disney channel if you have kids. Even if you're adults, I think you'll enjoy it. Don't forget to download my new rock and roll record, Rattlesnake Love by the cousins, me and my cousin Kevin from the Bare Naked Ladies. We put a new album out on iTunes called Rattlesnake Love. People seem to really be enjoying it, so I hope you download some of the songs, or all of them, whatever you desire.

Well, and that's it, man. We'll leave it right there, and thank you for being here. Tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway. And until next time, chicken. Chauame, baby. Crazy famous. Nice nose hairs coming out of your nose. What did you snorting family of Ewarks?