The Harland Highway - 879 - CRAZY VEEGAN strory. Harland HOT TIP. Positive energy!

Episode Date: June 19, 2017

A forest critter and a vegetarian go toe to toe in CRAZY news story. Harland's creative tip. Positive vibes from caller. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Good morning, good afternoon, and good evening, and good night. There, I covered all the bases. Now, let's get going with the Harland Highway podcast. I'm Harland Williams. No matter what time of day or night it is, I welcome you. Quite the show today, ladies and gentlemen. A crazy news story about a vicious animal attack. Oh, wait do you hear how this went down.

Yikes, scare a ramo. Also, I got a fun tip for you guys. I think it's something you'll really, really like. It might be something you've already done, but then again, it might be something that a lot of you haven't tried or even heard of. But it's something I've done a number of times, and I thought, boy, I should share this with the pavement pounders because, you know, the end result of said tip is quite pleasing.

So I'm going to lay my tip on you, and hopefully you'll like it. You'll benefit from it. Also a wonderful phone call from a pavement pounder today who just was all about positive energy, good vibes, being good, being happy, being positive. So we'll play that phone call for you a little later in the show, and we're going to have some fun here today. Why? Because we always do, man. Hello, this is The Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper.

Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-chic-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall-main, baby. And the creature from all the space. Please don't stop.

I got to need an ugly face. My magnificent performance. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Okay, do you want to, do you want a friendly little tip?

Do you want a helpful, wonderful tip? How about a wonderful, helpful tip for me? Here's a tip. Take it or leave it. But, you know, as you know, I just came back from my journey down the Amazon. I went on a wonderful safari trip down into the Amazon and saw so many wonderful critters, fish, amphibians, insects, reptiles, mammals, fish, dolphins, which are mammals.

There's a peculiar species of dolphin that lives in the freshwater of the Amazon. It's called a pink dolphin. They're exclusive to the Amazon, and they've got a pink pigment to their skin, and they have an unusual, long, bony face. so they don't look quite quite the same as traditional dolphins. But, you know, that was just one of the many things that I saw down in the Amazon.

And so, you know, I bought this really nice camera with the really long zoom lens because I knew I was going to, you know, when you go to the Amazon, there's nature everywhere. So I was just like, you know, if I'm going to do this, let's do it right. So I got like the really long zoom lens. and I got, you know, the digital camera.

And I was just like, click, click, click, click. I was taking pictures left, right, and center. You know, and nowadays, you can almost put your digital camera on auto. And you're taking pictures like a Nat Geo photographer just about. You know, it's pretty cool. So I come home with like, you know, tons of incredible images from the Amazon. on. And it's like, well, you know, what am I ever going to look at these? Just, you know, I'm going to open my computer and filter through a look for the file and flip through it.

Just be like, okay, I guess, you know, I guess I've seen them. You know, I guess, you know, I was there. I can see the pictures. You know, okay. I guess I'll look at them again in a few months, you know. So that's the difference between hard copy and digital photos is that, you know, in the old days, you can put a photo album together and, you know, present it to people and show it to them or people would get slides made and they'd prepare a slideshow. But outside of that, your digital photos just kind of sit in digital world, right?

So my tip, my hot tip for you is I don't know if you have Apple and it doesn't have to be Apple. There's other apps, there's other websites that provide this, but you can make a picture book. On Apple, it's quite easy. You just go into your photos. You go into the photo link or app on

your desktop. And you go up in the file and it asks you if you want to make a book and you click yes and all these templates come up. So you just decide the size of your book, the circumference, you decide what

kind of paper, what kind of cover. It just click click click click and then the next thing you know you're all you do is you you format your pages you could have a page with three photos or you could have a page which is one or you could have a full panorama that goes across the whole like both sides of a page it's really cool what you can do and uh and then you just click away and you can decide if you want to add pages if you want a 20 page a photo book or you want a 50 page photo book. It's really awesome.

So now what you do is you go through all your photos from said event, whether it's a wedding or whether it's a trip down the Amazon or it's a family reunion, whatever it is. It could be just hanging out with the buds at the barbecue, bro. But now you've got a format. You've got a place to kind of look through your pictures. which is a lot of fun, and you kind of pick the ones that you like the best. You pick the ones that are winners or the ones that you think are a bit funny or have a cool angle or look kind of artsy-fartsy or whatever, you know.

Maybe you caught a shot of a hawk flying down and attacking a squirrel, you know. Maybe you have something really cool. I don't know. but what happens is you start dragging and dropping all these pictures into your template for your digital book and it's really cool because you kind of feel like a bookmaker all of a sudden you're all of a sudden you're placing stuff and then you can write text in there and you can edit the pictures you can crop them you can move them around

you can put filters on them you can brighten them you can you know there's all kinds of cool digital things you can do to this this book and basically you get to pick and choose where you want to drop your pictures and what kind of story you want to tell and then boom once you're done once you finish placing everything you just click another button that says buy the book and you basically tell them how many copies you want and you've already predetermined the size you can get little tiny ones you can get big like coffee table size the bigger you go obviously the more a costs, but what are your memories worth, right?

So I just finished putting together my Amazon book, and, you know, it's going to be like $45 bucks a copy, but I'm only going to print up like, you know, two or three, maybe four copies, you know, one for me, one for my buddy that I went on the trip with, and maybe I'll send one to my family, or who knows? but I'll just, you know, now I have a book I can leave out and I can thumb through and if friends ask me about the trip I can hand them the book instead of saying, why don't we huddle around my computer

and, you know, I'll just flip through and you can look at the pictures for three seconds and, you know, so having a tangible physical object is kind of cool. And you have that book and you can look through it and show your friends and talk about it and they can read the text, and they can ask questions, and they can spend as much time on a picture.

Oh, my God, is this you in a canoe, Harland? Oh, my God, tell me about this. And what's this thing in the water? Is that a water lily? Oh, tell me about the water lily, Harland. You know, so it's just, I think it's a cool thing. And it's a few extra bucks, but, you know, back in the day, you know, you used to go, have to.

to go to a camera store and get your film developed. And that was like 20, 30, 40 bucks. So now you just take this and you create your own digital book. You hit buy the book. They mail it to you like four days later. And it's a beautiful book. It's got all your glossy pictures and it's all laid out professionally and formatted. And you designed it.

You did it. And now you have this book that just sits out and you can, you can access it and your friends can access it. So there you go. It's a cool little thing. I've done it a few times and I'm going to continue to do it. And, you know, it's a great way to encapsulate and chronicle your journey and tell your own story. So there's my little tip, hot tip, the I photo book, or I know that if you go, you know, onto Google and just type. in, you know, digital homemade photo books or whatever. There's a bunch of sites that offer the same thing.

Maybe a little cheaper. Apple's always a bit high-end, but you might save a few bucks here and there. But the good thing about Apple, though, you know, it's high-end, but you usually get a great product back from them. Like, I've got to say, the books that I've had come back, just they look top-notch. And that's something you can usually kind of count on with Apple. So, just food for thought. So there you go. Just a little tip for you next time you have a big photo shoot or a photo event or something you want to, you know, capture in time.

Think about it. Digital photo book. Hot tip from Harland. Say cheese. All about! The Harland Highway. A crazy news stories. That's weird.

That's strange stuff. Oh boy, here we go. I don't know if it gets any crazier than this. But here's the headline. A little e. A rabid raccoon bit into this vegetarian's thumb. So she drowned it in a nearby puddle. What the hay-hoo?

You kidding? A little raccoon? It bites you and you drown it? You meat-hating coleslaw-eaten freak? Here's the story. I'm almost afraid to read it. Rachel Borch, Borch, which already sounds like a bowl of Russian soup,

rich with meat and cabbage. Just bring me some more borch. You know what, forget that. Bring me an extra large ball of Rachel Borch with lots of extra meat, please. It's very cold outside. I need some Rachel Borch to get me through the day. 21-year-old in Hope, Maine.

Well, there's the word hope right out of the gate. I don't know how much hope this raccoon had. She went for a run in the woods. near her home on June 3rd. She came back barefoot, bleeding and screaming after drowning a rabid raccoon who sunk its teeth into her hand. Well, you know, right out of the gate, you know, went for a run in the woods.

That's not her home. That belongs to the critters. Borch shared her harrowing story in great detail with the newspaper. laden with grisly elements and incredible quotes from Borch. She said, I've never killed an animal with my bare hands. I'm a vegetarian. It was self-defense.

Okay. Borch left for the run that morning along familiar overgrown trail near her house, but not before her brother warned her about a raccoon. he'd seen oddly sulking in their yard. What does that mean? Um, mom, dad, could you come here? Look out the window. Um, there's a raccoon, um, oddly sulking in the yard.

Um, I don't know, is that normal for a raccoon to oddly sulk, or? Sure enough, shortly into a run on the wooded path, Borch. and the beast met eyes. Oh, wow. Nothing like the seductive, sultry, sulking eyes of a raccoon, right? She recalled to the newspaper a ferocious-looking raccoon. Well, what was it? Was it oddly sulking or ferocious?

Those are two different things. Who charged at her with teeth-beard. Within seconds it stood at her feet. Borch ripped out her earbuds and dropped her phone Which fell into a nearby puddle Oh, here we go Here we go I think I see where this is good

How much do we love our phones, ladies and gentlemen? I think we love them more than anything else on the planet It's almost like this This is like Mother Grizzly Bear and Cubs syndrome You don't get between a mother gris and her cubs You do, you're pretty much dead mother will attack you if you get between her and her cubs it's the same with our cell phone same syndrome if you get between any of us humans and our cell phone you might as well

call a funeral parlor and start making arrangements you don't do it we love our phones too much and if you cause someone's phone to drop in a puddle oh you're just signing your own death warrant. Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter. matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free

and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code, to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Here, Borch goes on to say, imagine the Tasmanian devil, she told the daily news. Well, first of all, Tasmanian devils are real. They live in Tasmania and they're little tiny things. They're like a quarter of the size

of a raccoon. So I don't know why she's comparing. Imagine a baby titmouse. She couldn't avoid the raccoon, she told the newspaper. The trail was too narrow. Yeah, it's hard to go around a whole forest. God forbid I step off the trail and go around. And go around. in the never-ending forest that covers planet Earth. So she succumbed to the reality that she would be bitten. Oh, God. Well, I can't get off the trail, so I guess I'm going to be bitten. Oh, boy.

The best place she reasoned would be her hand. It would leave her relatively mobile and provide her best chance at defense. Borch extended her hands towards the animal. What do you want? What? What? Let's see. There's an animal coming at me with its fangs out.

I have two choices here. I can turn and run. And as a human, I'm probably a faster runner than a raccoon. Or I can reach my hand out as if I'm going to shake its paw. Come on, shake a paw, buddy. Shake a paw. Crunch. Ah!

The raccoon sunk its teeth into her thumb. Borsh screamed. The raccoon clawed her arms wildly, its jaw pressed tight. Borsh panicked. Then she remembered her phone that sank into the puddle. Yeah, because when I'm in the middle of an animal attack, I'm thinking about where my phone is. Help, bear, grizzly bear.

Help! I should probably take it. text Diana and ask her what she's doing tonight. Help, grizzly attack. I wonder, you know what? I think I'll Facebook, I'm David, and show my new shoes on my phone. Well, this bear eats my throat.

Dragging the still biting animal on her knees towards the water, how'd she get on her knees? Raccoons weigh like less than a house cat. How big was this raccoon? I'm sure this wasn't a full blue. lone black bear. Borsh pushed its head down into the muck until its arms sort of fell to the side,

its chest still heaving really slowly. Hysterically, she bolted home. Her mother drove her to a medical center. Her dad and her brother retrieved the dead raccoon, lest another animal become infected. by it. Wait, now the raccoon's infected? Oh, here we go. The raccoon later tested positive

for rabies and Borsh is receiving the appropriate shots for treatment. Ooh. Well, see, maybe that should have been in the opening headline, you know? Because I think we're all led to believe that

she just, you know, offed a raccoon. You might want to put, well, you know what? it is in the headlines. I'm an idiot. I read it. A rabid raccoon bit into this vegetarian's thumb, so she drowned it nearby. Okay, I was kind of mocking Rachel Borch. I was making fun of Rachel Borch, but now I must hold Rachel Borch up high. She is a hero.

She's a hero of the forest. She saved everyone from getting the rabies. I mean, this is a hero. This woman, the service she did for mankind. But in all seriousness, rabies is not a laughing matter. So, you know, I do got to kind of reverse my sarcastic abuse of Rachel Borsch. But I still stand by my grizzly bear theory. We do love our phones too much.

And I do believe that that had something to do with it. It's like, oh, you son of a bitch, you made me drop my phone in the water. Oh, you're going to pay. oh yeah you're gonna pay you know what you're gonna pay with you're gonna pay with your life i'm gonna drown your fat furry face right in this mud puddle and then just to besmirch your name to the good people of the community and the other forest critters oh yeah i'm gonna tell them you got the rabies that's what i'm gonna do i'm gonna spread the word that you got the rabies boy and i'm gonna let you i'm gonna drown you slowly so your arms go soft at your side your chest still heaving

And then you better pray that my goddamn phone still works, player. Because if you don't, I'm going to come back in the forest tomorrow. I'm going to throw some cheese and some fucking sardines around. I'm going to lure your family out, and guess what? That's right. I'm going to drown your motherfucking family in this puddle, too. I'm going to take your husband. Go drown him first.

I'm going to make the kids watch all the little cubs, the little raccoon cub. Oh, yeah. Then I'm going to drown each other. Each and one of you, each and every one of your cubs? Well, I'm on the phone ordering food from postmates. I might even drown one of your little cub kittens. Well, I'm on Tinder, looking for some hot cock. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do.

So there you go. The yin and the yang and just another crazy news story here on the Harland Highway. Watch out. Where you job? Hello Hello Hey Harlan It's David from Texas

I remember a few weeks ago We were talking about Or you were talking about On your show Donut talk So one Saturday I stopped by my Onet place by the house

I was going to get donuts For me and my daughter and I saw a little boy about seven or eight working the register and grabbing all the donuts and stuff and I thought of your podcast just really wanted to share with you that I gave a little extra tip to a little boy a couple bucks

he seemed like he was up early it's a family-owned place so it seemed like he was working for his father just working on a Saturday so I had to give him props for being up early I just wanted to share that with you. Just maybe your listeners would like to hear something positive. Anyways, chicken chalmein, have a good day.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, David. We love to hear things positive. Oh, my God. We love it, we love it, we love it. Especially in this world where it seems everything can be so negative sometimes. Isn't that nice that something is innocent as a little child working at a donut shop their parents defying child labor laws

no I'm just kidding but it is beautiful when you see something that's just sweet and innocent and it makes you happy and then you add to the happiness by giving the little kid a little extra tip I'm sure that lit him up made you feel good

I bet your daughter if she was there was amused by it and it's like I've kind of said sometimes it's just a little simple things that you might not think about that actually are really cool and fun and you know make you feel good on that note

I always encourage you know tipping giving a nice tip when you're when you're at a place where you know the people maybe aren't making a ton of money like you're not at Morton Steakhouse or the Waldorf eating pheasant under glass but if you're at a donut shop or somewhere where you know you can probably figure that the people working there

aren't driving around in a Lamborghini and you can really make someone's day I've talked about this before whenever I go to the Waffle House whenever I'm like down south or wherever I may see a Waffle House and I like the Waffle House. I like me a nice waffle. I do.

Not a lot of places have waffles, but the Waffle House has waffles. And so I was in the Waffle House just recently, a couple of weeks ago, and I walked in and I was like the only one there, and I moseyed up to the counter because I love it that there's a counter. I like eating at a counter.

It makes me feel like a truck driver. And I just like the sports. I like the ambiance of a counter. I like it that you got that little swiveling chair and you're usually high. Your feet are dangling or your feeder on the bottom of the stool. And you kind of got your elbows off the table, but you got that big counter space

and all the little trinkets are in front of you, the menu, the napkins, the ketchup, the salt, the pepper. And you can kind of keep your eye on what the staff are doing, And sometimes you can even see back into the kitchen. Oh, I like me a counter. I don't know. Something the mystique of a counter works for me. I like it.

Like if I go to Denny's and stuff like that, I'll just go right to the counter. And you don't have to wait for the counter. There's none of this. How many? Table for four? Okay, it's going to be 12 minutes. No, I'm just going to go right to the counter.

Go ahead, sir. Go right to the counter. No waiting. The only thing that sucks about the counter is if it's busy and you've got people on each side of you. But for the most part, counters are never all that busy. So you usually have a lot of room to spread out. And, you know, you're in direct contact that the waiter or the waitress is raped behind it. So you're kind of seeing them going back and forth.

They don't disappear. So it's kind of fun. But anyways, I'm at the Waffle House and I had like, you know, Waffle House is cheap. I don't go there because it's cheap. I go there because I kind of like the food and I like the vibe. And I like the waffles. And whenever I go there, I always tip big. Because I know the people there aren't killing it, you know?

If the menu, you know, if you can buy a full-blown meal for like $4.50, you've got to figure that the employees aren't making a killing. So I was the only one there I finished my like waffle And my scrambled eggs And I asked for the check I got the check It was like $4.85 or something

I paid the check and then I went This is for you And I handed my waitress a $20 bill And I said, what's the name of the What's the name of the guy that cooked my waffle? It was like Kevin or something I called him or I said Kevin Great job. This is for you.

and I gave them each 20 bucks So I paid 40 bucks and tips For a less than $5 meal But here's the upside man You know if you got a little extra money in your pocket And you can share That's a good thing And I gotta tell you their faces lit up

I mean Especially the girl The girl who waited on me She just her eyes lit up Her old face lit up She was like, oh my God And then her friend came One of the other waitresses came over

And she was like, see, I told you It's not too bad work in the morning shift And she's like, oh my God She was like waving the 20 And I could tell the guy who cooked my waffle Was like a little surprised And kind of didn't know what to do But at the end of the day

It was like, you know They probably have to serve like six tables To make 20 bucks And there it was, boom and you know what I got 20 bucks I got 40 bucks worth out of it because I saw that smile on their face that that tip generated some happiness for them and there's so many reasons I mean they deserve it they that you want to share you want to do but but the that instant gratification of seeing people happy is a good thing so David yes yes we love hearing positive stories we

We love it when people do positive things for each other. We love it when full-grown business owners put their children to work and enslave them. Wait, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, what? No. Although I do find it funny that, you know, I think there are some laws against children working, even if it's a family business. I'm not sure. And I think this sounded really sweet and innocent and as a family donut shop.

How much more innocent can it be? But you know there's probably someone out there going, Oh, boy, I'm calling the ACLU, or I'm calling the union, or I'm calling, I'm hiring a sniper. You know, people overreact in so many ways. But this sounded sweet, innocent, charming, and we thank you. Thank you for sharing, David.

We'll end the show on that upbeat kind of vogue. kind of vibe that you created here. Thank you for calling in. If any of you other pavement powders want to call in and leave a message, whether it be good or bad, uplifting or downbeat, I don't mind. Everything needs to be discussed, doesn't it? 323739-4330.

3-2-739-43-30. That number is on the website, harlomwiliams.com. If you forget it, you can go to the website. and also there's a contact link there where you can write to me so if you don't want to leave a voicemail you can write to me also we have a store there you can buy some fun things you can also subscribe to our premium membership

where you get extra bonus material and you get access to the full library of every episode of the Harland Highway only if you're premium and guess what speaking of 20 bucks it's only 20 bucks a year And who knows, I might take your 20 bucks and end up giving it to a Waffle House employee. How about that? How about that pay it forward action, gang?

Hello! Also, don't forget to download our app. That is absolutely free. Just go into your app store, type in the Harland Highway podcast. Boom, free. You get the latest 50 episodes of the Harland Highway. Free, awesome. But like I said, if you want the whole catalog,

of every show we've ever done, 20 bucks. And it helps, you know, it helps cover my costs here. So I appreciate all you guys who have joined the premium membership. And I'll try and put some more exclusive content up there for you guys very soon. And there you go. There you go. Please tell your friends about the Harland Highway. Let's get everybody on board, man.

and let them have part of the fun Don't hog it all to yourself, man And we'll leave it right there today Watch out for rabid raccoons And if you do see one Take a picture of it And you can put it in your eyebook photo album Uh-huh

See how I brought everything back around full circle That's right All right gang, thank you for being here Pavement Pounders I hope you had a great time. And until next time, chicken. Show me, baby! You know what?

I think I'll Facebook, David, and show my new shoes on my phone. Well, this bear eats my throat.