The Harland Highway - 880 - AUNT RUTHIE calls the show. Harland goes for a street walk. Phone calls.

Episode Date: June 22, 2017

Aunt Ruthie leaves a CRAZY voicemail. Harland gets misted and talks to a streetlight. Phone calls from Pavement Pounders. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Up, up and away, Harland Highway, yeah, okay, not really working. Lame, lame, you know, 60s throwback song intro. Hey, everybody, welcome to the Harland Highway. The rest of it won't be lame, I promise, it'll be good, it'll be excellent. Great to have you here. Thank you for being here. Great show today. Oh, my God, you're going to catch me doing some stuff outdoors,

some live feed from me standing at a dangerous crosswalk and getting my face sprayed in the hot summer sun. Oh, yeah, it's going to be some of that. I'll tell you that right now. Also, some exciting news about my stand-up comedy special is Carmel Corn the Pug. I'm going to talk about that right out of the gate. Also, I believe Aunt Ruthie gives us a...

call. I guess Roger's telling me she left another voicemail, Roger? Okay, Roger gave me the thumbs up. Aunt Ruth, he left one of her nutty voicemails. Not sure I want to hear it, but we will. And then also some wonderful phone calls from you, the pavement

pounders. Oh yes. I love it when you guys call in. So all kinds of groovy, cool stuff today. Let's do this, all right? Let's go, everybody. Put your helmets on. This is the Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby.

You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall. Oh, maine, baby. And the creature from all the space. Please don't stop.

I got to feed an ugly face. magnificent performance. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Hello?

Hello? Hey, this is Richard. Hopefully, I just want to set it up. Let me call it. I'm a little bit behind in your podcast that I heard about the Comalcorn, the Pug Show coming up, so I'm definitely going to check it out on Thursday, I believe, but probably could try to get it to the 731. But I noticed in your podcast you were saying that you never presented the Comalcorn in the Publix,

and then I went to say, wait a minute, I actually got a little sneak preview. I think one time at one of your shows in the, I think it was also the Irvine Spectrum, I thought it never quickly. You started out of with that act. It was, I don't think it was an opening. It was probably in the middle act or something. But you came out as the pug, and I honestly thought it was hilarious. You did most of the routine through the putt, so it was a lot of dog jokes and, you know,

a dog cracks up and everything, but I thought it was great. And that's why when I first heard you mention about this, I was like, oh, that's great because, you know, portray it very well, and you're right, the math does articulate. and it was hilarious and it was funny because my buddy john he didn't even know what was you actually because uh he's like he's like who's that community i'm like well you can't tell there's scarlet up there but i was like we're just in for a little treat so yeah i remember you doing it and i'm sure it's probably just for practices and warm up and stuff but i was hoping that you'd actually take off with it uh i think it's a great um uh thing to add to the character of you know

parlo williams so to the person of parlooms at least the character is So, yeah, that's all I wanted to mention. I took a child, but you got to get back. Bye-bye. All right, Rich, yes, yes. Tonight is the night, oh, M-G. Oh, M-G, oh, my God. Yeah, tonight is the night that I taped my special as a dog, as a pug,

the first stand-up comedy special ever as a dog, Carmel Corn the Pug. And yes, you are right, Rich, you did see me months back where I was testing out the whole setup. I was testing out the mask. I was testing out how hot it was in the whole get-up. I was testing out different wardrobes. I was testing out sound.

I was testing out movement. I mean, all these things I have to test out to do this kind of a comedy special. It's a lot different being inside of a mask and doing one stand-up act than it is just doing it as a normal human being. So, yeah, I was up there. And what I would do and what I've been doing around clubs around the country is I'll have my MC come up on my shows

and then I'll have the MC introduce Carmelcorn. Carmel corn will go up and do like five minutes. and then Carmelcorn will leave, which is me as the pug. And then my opening act will come up and then the MC will bring me up. So there's some space in between Carmelcorn and me because essentially we're the same person, dog, human, canine, whatever. So yeah, you saw me during the testing phase. And also I was going out on stage as the pug just to see if it actually worked,

to see if people would laugh or they'd just bewildered or the mask was too inhibiting to comedy. You know, if people just were like, well, you know, I can't really hear them. And, you know, it's a, yeah, okay, it's just a mask. It's not very funny. But the good news is everywhere I've done the pug routine, people have been pretty good about laughing and enjoying it

and telling me after the show, like, Oh, my God, we loved Carmelcorn. Oh, my God. He's so funny. I want to see more. So now's your chance, everybody. If you want to see the shows, it's tonight. Yes, tonight, June 22nd, 2017,

down in Irvine, California at the Irvine Improv. We have a show at 7.30 tonight and another show at 9.45 tonight. and please come down and have some fun and watch a dog do stand-up comedy. And we're shooting it. We've got like six cameras going and got an MC and it's going to be quite the spectacle. And, you know, we're going to shoot it and then package it. And then hopefully we sell it to Netflix or Showtime. we don't know where it's going to go.

You know, a lot of comics, the way specials work is, you know, these networks, which has, you know, been the way it's worked for me over my career. They like you, they approach you. They say, hey, we love Harlan, we want to do a special, blah, blah, blah. So I've done like, I don't know how many. I think I've done 10 specials over the course of my career. and so I decided, you know, I want to do something different. I don't want to just be, you know, the guy in the blazer, the guy in the T-shirt.

I want to do something that stimulates me that makes me feel like I'm doing something different where I'm pushing myself. I've got to be honest, I'm nervous. I'm scared to do this. It's out of my comfort zone to a degree. I mean, wacky crazy stuff is in my. comfort zone but but doing my whole routine as a dog for an hour is is new to me i've done like you know 10 minutes 15 minutes maybe i'm gonna be doing an hour so uh so we're gonna cut a special

together and hopefully we can sell it to uh to one of these places because you know you can't pre-sell this type of thing yeah hello netflix yeah you want to buy a dog a pug stand-up comedy special yeah what hello hello so i'm taking a gamble i'm self-financing this whole thing i'm paying for the whole thing the crew the lighting the cameras the everything and i'm like screw it i'm taking the risk man and at the end of the day you know i'm i'm not sure what will happen i have a feeling it could be a money loser but i'm not doing it for the money if i was doing it for the money i wouldn't do it but it would be good to get my costs back or whatever, but we'll have to see.

And if nobody buys it, then I'm just going to sell it digitally as a download. And people can buy it on the internet, you know, through Amazon streaming or whatever. And it ain't about the money. It's about me having fun and pushing the needle and bringing you guys the comedy audience, something different to feast your eyes on.

Something just ridiculous. crazy and hopefully funny so we'll see thank you for your for your call buddy and i hope we see you down there at the irvine improv tonight june thursday june 22nd 2017 and uh if you haven't bought your tickets online yet come on down and get them at the door there are lots of tickets still available um you know one of the issues in all honesty has been selling getting tickets sold to this event because no one really knows who Carmelcorn is. It's not like I've been working on this character for years, and he's been out there on the internet and all that.

He's literally something new. Nobody's seen him. Nobody's really been exposed to him on a mass level. And so it's hard to sell tickets. It's hard enough just to sell tickets to a comedy show because there's so many options, but trying to get people to come out and watch a dog do stand-up comedy. whew, that's even tougher.

So there you go. Tonight, June 22nd, the Irvine Spectrum Improv in Irvine, California, Orange County, and I hope we see you there supporting your favorite stand-up comedian dog, Carmel, Corn, the pug. Oh, yeah.

Heavens to Mercutroy, Devon. So here we go. I was out walking the other day. I was up for a little stroll. You know, I like to get my stroll on, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yes. I like to get the legs moving and walking around town. And I was in this, like, kind of busy neck of the woods,

and I came to these streetlights. You know, streetlights, the green, yellow, and red things that hang in the sky and tell us how to drive. Oh, shit. and I was standing there, and it was one of those ones that made the electric beeping sound, you know, and it was one of those ones that talked and told you when to go and when to stop and this and that. And I was standing there kind of amused listening to it. I thought, this is kind of odd, these strange noises and commands, and, you know, I'm putting my life in the hands

of a strange voice and a strange sound and some strange lights. It's a very busy intersection, cars speeding here and there, turning left and right. And I'm like, I'm literally stepping out into the middle of this giant, you know, crosswalk. And my life is in the hands of all this automation. The lights need to sink on time. They need to change, the beeping noises, the talking. It was like a whole symphony of technology

that was helping me get from one side of the street to the other. And so I thought, you know, maybe I'll stand here and just kind of record all this madness. So here it is. Have a listen. It's just yours truly, Harland Williams, hanging out on a street corner. I made 80 bucks. No, I'm kidding. Have a listen.

You know, if I fake this whole beeping thing, I could mess with people. I'm at a very busy intersection right now. You know, you get people that don't have great eyesight. You know, I could maybe pull a little, you know, beep, beep, beep, beep, right? Do my own little noise. And, you know, take a few lives.

I could maybe take a few lives just for kicks, not to be mean, not to be evil, but, you know, there's comedy and everything, right? So I'd just stand on the corner here and, you know, someone with Coke bottle glasses or, you know, someone with a bag over their head, I could just be like, beep, beep, beep, they start walking and I just sit back and enjoy the comedy, bro. boom right over the top of a minivan boom rolled through the intersection like a granola bar oh yeah beep beep beep i wonder if r2d2 would be turned on by this this street light and that's some pretty awesome noises oh wait it's talking what did you say what you're telling me to live my life bro wait fuck you i'm walking bro no you fucking wait wait no wait for what for christmas wait no i'm walking bro wait no see you screw you no see you bro screw you no see you bro screw him i'm i ain't waiting for nothing or nobody beep

beep beep anyways you want to know how i amused myself killing people at crosswalks williams out so there you go just you know just a little slice of life me me me pontificating, if that's even the right word. I don't know, somehow that word just popped into my head. I think it might be the right word. It sounds right. But to be honest, I'm not sure if it is right. Let me go into the dictionary here and see if pontificating is, in fact, the right word.

Because, you know, I'm not, I think I know what pontificating means, but I'm kind of like somehow it's one of those words. You know how you're. brain just, like, kicks in sometimes, and it knows the right word to put in there. And I, let me type it in, pontificate. I hope it's not a sex act. Please, don't be a sex act. The Roman officiator's bishop especially, expresses one's opinions in a way considered annoyingly pompous and dogmatic. Well, it was a little annoying, but it wasn't me. It was the street light that was annoying, not me.

Or was I annoying? Maybe I was. I don't think. Maybe it's not the right word. Expresses one's opinions in a way considered annoyingly pompous. Yeah, it's probably not the right word. But it feels right, right? So I'm going to leave it in.

Even though it's wrong, I'm leaving it. Screw you. Just like I told the light to screw you. It's like, yeah, I was on a street. street corner pontificating my thoughts. Wrong. But I don't care. It's my podcast. And I'm going to pontificate all the way through it. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland Have fun Don't throw your back out It also reminds me of Like on a seaplane You know those big fat things Where the wheels should be

When a seaplane comes in on the water On top of its pontificates I know the words pontoons But I feel like You know If you're a fancy person You're like Oh darling look the plane

The sea plane has just landed On its pontificates darling Those are pontoons, sir Maybe where you come from, you redneck Where I come from, the pontificates Okay, sir So anyways, that was just me hanging out And I thought, you know, I'm going to record this

For the pavement pounders I'm going to pontificate for the pavement pounders So there you go, me on a street corner And let me tell you one other thing I was out for my walk, I was out walking around It was hot, man. It was one of those hot summer days, like really, like sweaty hot, which I like. I like the heat.

But I walked to this outside area where they had shops and restaurants and all that. And all of a sudden, there it was, hanging from the rafters of like a waffle place. Like a gourmet waffle place. You know, you know, there's always, everywhere you go now, there's gourmet restaurants popping up. Gourmet grilled cheese. Gourmet ice cream sandwiches. Gourmet. That's what it was, was a gourmet ice cream waffle place. Like, I couldn't believe it, right?

But hanging from the rafters was... Not a rattlesnake. Misters. And I don't mean men hanging upside down like bats. Look at all the men hanging upside down. Quickly, get on the plane. Get these pontificates up in the air. No, they were misters, the water misters.

You know? Have you seen those things where they just spray mist out onto the sidewalk? It's like you're standing in Niagara Falls and the mist is blowing all over you. And I got to tell you, man, it is, it is nice. When it's a hot day, it's like, screw it. I don't even want an ice cream waffle. I just want to stand in the mist.

it's just you're standing there and there's this this this this vapor this air this this this liquid water spray is just covering your skin it's spraying on you it's like standing behind a giraffe as it goes tinkle it's like you don't care it's so hot tinkle on me draught tinkle cool me fill my pores with your draft tinkle oh yeah baby i liked me the mister oh it was sweet man in fact i actually recorded myself standing in the mister as well you know why not i record myself standing on an in an intersection why won't i record myself in a mr mister that's mr mr to you mister uh but i added a level to this recording i actually recorded it to instagram and and when i watch it back just just seeing myself standing in the mister like

makes me feel like i want to be in the mister it's it's like i just want to be in the mister and that also sounds like it could be the name of a funny little bar downtown but it's not i want to be in the mister is not i wonder if it's right next to five guys uh by the way five guys has anyone been i'll come back to five guys but for now uh you know what why not listen to it listen to me standing in the mister this thing's about like 45 seconds long but it's just me standing in the mister and then if you want to see it go go to my instagram at harland williams and you can see me just standing in the mister and just watching it just watching it cools you down so here's here's yours truly standing in the mister hot day standing in the mister bro sucking in the mist

standing in the mist bro let's see if I can get some on the face of Rooney bro blast me right in the face oh yeah it's like standing behind a giraffe oh oh

good for my modeling moisturizes my face So there you go. If you want to see me standing in a mister for 45 seconds, join my Instagram. That's how much fun my Instagram is. Yes, you get to watch me misting my face for 45 seconds. But as you can see, that's where I came up with the standing behind a draft thing. It was weird.

That just popped into my head. I was standing there. You know, I'm six foot two. and here's this spray going off in my face and my brain went well if I was just out in the world how would I ever get sprayed in the face like this and I thought I'd pretty much have to be standing

behind a draft taking a leak so that's where that came from little you know there's always room for draft comedy gurglesnorgans and lady blargens please there's not enough draft humor in this world so there you go check out

Instagram and let's uh what oh really okay okay Roger just uh it's she called when okay so it looks like my aunt Ruthie has uh Rogers waving to me I got it yes Aunt Ruthie Aunt Ruthie has left a voicemail for us here and Roger wants us to play it on the show which we always do, because my Aunt Ruthie always leaves the most bizarre voicemails. So let's play it. And here we go, Aunt Ruthie, calling her nephew from Rochester, New York. Hello. Hello.

Oh, my God. Hello, Angel. Are you there, Angel? Hello, it's your Aunt Ruthie crawling. Oh, my God, I can never figure out if I'm talking to anyone. one on these goddamn machines. Hello, Angel Holland. It's your Aunt Ruthie crawling

from Rochester, New York. Love, how are you? We certainly miss you, and as summer starting, I just wanted to give you a call, your Aunt Ruthie. Well, I got into a little trouble at the grocery store the other day, for Christ's sake.

I couldn't believe it. You know, I was shopping for our weekly groceries, you know. I always go over to Robinson's and pick up some wonderful, you know, they have sales on meats and hands, and you know your uncle Harry likes his goddamn yogurt pretzels. I don't know why. They smell like sourdough Armenian sandals or something for Christ's sake, but he loves to chew on them while he watches his television shows. And so, you know, your aunt Ruthie was over there pushing a cart up and down the aisles, and I get exhausted, honey, you know.

I'm not as young as I used to be, and I got to the fresh fruit section, you know, and every week I like to pick out a nice grapefruit for your uncle Harry. He likes to suck on a grapefruit like a, you know, like a musculunge at the bottom of a river or a surgeon or a surgeon. There's not a surgeon, a sturgeon. You know, those fish that swim along the bottom of the river and suck gravel into the face, your uncle Harry will sit at the kitchen. table and suck on a grapefruit like a, you know, like a Cambodian night streetwalker looking for, you know, a glory hole at a shell station or something, for God's sakes. But anyhow, Angel, I got into a little trouble, as you know, I always like to pick up the fresh produce and feel it and touch it and, you know, make sure it's fresh. I like to squeeze it, you know, and I picked up a nice, delicious apple of a Macintosh, apple or some fucking thing you know it was an apple it was red and i don't know why they all have different names i mean for christ's sacred you know when adam and eve were in the garden of eden

you think eve said oh look at the nice macintosh look at the nice granny smith uh look at the nice delicious just a goddamn apple for christ sake and how they're going to put labels on everything i mean christ you know it's like the end of the world's coming along angel but anyhow i picked up an apple and I was squeezing it and you know your aunt Ruthie's got a fake fingernails you know and they're all a bit yellow but I you know my fingernails went into this goddamn apple and I tried to pull them out and it was like this apple was like it's like Satan opened up

his mouth from the center of hell and sucked my fingernails in and I was pulling and pulling and I snapped my goddamn fingernails off right inside the apple angel and I was panicking and I didn't know what to do, so I put it back in the pile, and now you ran Ruth, he's worried that some little school kid somewhere, you know, he's going to be eating his lunch in the cafeteria, he bites into this fucking apple and starts choking on, you know, Ruthie's fucking yellow fingernails, and even though he has a stasm on the ground,

and everyone, you know, the other school children will think he's having an epileptic, you know, monkey fit or something, and he'll make fun of him. But anyhow, Angel, I put the apple back, and then, you know, of course, I saw some grapes. You know how your Uncle Harry loves the grapes? And I started squeezing them, and I was like, oh, my goodness, he sort of feel like, well, pardon my friend's angel, but they felt a bit like Uncle Harry's, you know, testicles when he was a younger man. And I started, you know, squeezing them. And I guess I got a little carried away, and I was doing a little moaning.

I was like squeeze, and I was like, oh, you know, I got a little excited. I mean, even old ladies get excited, Angel. You know, I started squirting grape juice all over the goddamn place, and then I looked beside the grapes, and I'll be goddamned if there wasn't some giant purple plums. And I was like, oh, my God, that's what Harry's plums looked like when he came back from the World War. You know, he had the blue balls. I mean, his balls were so big. It looked like Billy Jean King and stuffed a bag of a tennis balls down your uncle Harry's knickerbockers, for Christ's sake.

You know, so I started squeezing the goddamn plums, and I'm like, oh, you know, I'm getting all aroused, and, you know, I know it's not proper. I know it's not right. And, of course, I squirted plum sauce all over the goddamn bananas, which were right there. And I'm like, oh, my God, I already put my fingernails in the apple. I already squeezed the grape juice all over the place. It looked like Julius Caesar shit his pants on a subway car or something. You know, whatever that means, Angel. And so I was like, I can't let someone pick up this banana with the plum juice all over,

and I tried wiping it off with my snort rag that I keep up the sleeve of my sweater, and I was like, oh, my God, this is horrible. I don't, so I, you know, I didn't know what to do, Angel, So I put the banana in my mouth, and I thought, you know, if no one's looking, I'll just kind of, you know, clean it off with my saliva, for grace sake. And I started with the banana, and, you know, these things aren't short. I mean, that were a little longer than, you know, Jason Priestley's, you know, left ass cheek, for Christ's sake. I started, you know, the banana got in the back of your Aunt Ruthie's throat, and I was like, you know, when I'm sucking away. way on this banana trying to clean it off.

You know, when I start gasping for a man, I'm like, and I'm like sounded like a goat getting a date rape behind a denny's. I'm like, you know, when I'm spitting up all over the place and I'm, you know, suddenly I've got this banana all the way down my thorax. I mean, if I had a tracheotomy, it would have come right out the hole and hit someone in the fucking forehead. I mean, you know, I sounded like that baby alien that popped out of that fucking astronaut's stomach

on Ridley Scott's alien, for Christ's sake. So I'm sucking on this banana, and all of a sudden I can't talk. I start to sound like, you know, an old fucking guy that works in a car garage for Christ's. And I'm like, and someone pulled this goddamn banana out of my throat. So the store manager came, and it was jamming there so deep. He had to put his running shoes on my breasts, lay me down, and pull this goddamn banana out of my throat.

And I'm like, you know, I'm like Linda Blair at that bedroom scene, where she's, you know, throwing up tea soup all over five. the McGillicuddy's fucking collar, for Christ's sake. Anyways, Angel, I'm rambling, but I just want you to know that your Aunt Ruthie's okay. I didn't want you to see anything in the newspapers or anything horrible about your Aunt Ruthie, you know, sucking off a banana at Robinson's grocery store. So we're fine. Everything's good, Angel, and I hope you good.

We miss you so much. Please give us a call when you get a chance. We love you. Oh, you're so cute. I just want to squeeze your face the way I squeeze those fat plums. Goodbye, Angel. Aunt Ruthie loves you. Come and see us in Roachist in New York when you have a chance, Angel.

Okay, we love you so much. The power of Christ compelled you. The power of Christ compelled you. The power of Christ. Oh, my God. I don't know where that even came from. Oh, Christ. Jesus.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell? What, Jesus. She, my God, Aunt Ruth, I, Roger, you know, maybe you ought to listen to these calls before we put them on. That one, that was kind of disturbing. She was in a grocery store sucking on a banana? I mean, I get it, the old ladies have a bit of a clean fetid. but that's not how you clean fruit. I mean, good.

E, ye, ye, ye. Do we have anything else? Do we have any, any, can we end on something other than that imagery of Aunt Ruthie squeezing plums and sucking a banana? Do we have another phone call or anything? Okay, good. Play one more phone call before we end the show. My God. Hello?

Hello? Hey, Holland, this Brian. And thanks for your letting Camp Fire Timmy come on the podcast. He and Dr. Debbie Tom on my two favorites. And this time was just unchained, unplugged, unhinged. You really let Camp Fire Timby loose and the inspired lunacy of bringing in

Dr. Ascott and the triage and menagerdois whatever ensues but listening to campfire to me this time I actually

began to worry that if I enjoy listening to that there might be something wrong with me So I don't want to inquire as a Dr. Ascot, but my gosh, it was just completely free, uninhibited. And love it. Good work.

Thanks. Bye. Well, thank you, Brian. I'm glad you love Campfire Timmy. because, you know, he might be the most annoying guy on the planet next to Cinnamon Boy, and if I could find a way to off him, like, hire a hip man or something, I would probably do it. I know I shouldn't say that, but I probably would.

I just, I'm glad somebody loves him. But my God, the migraines that kid has caused me with his stupid singing and his dopey songs. and I guess he had to have that session with Dr. Ascott. It didn't go well. Not only did I walk out, but Dr. Ascot walked out. And, you know, I used to think Dr. Ascot was the most annoying man or human on the planet. So what's that tell you when Ascott walks out on Campfire Timmy? Yeah.

And the fact that you like it, I think you're right, bro. I think there might be something a little. off. I think you might have a few nuts loose, bro. I mean, you, you self-diagnosed it yourself, man. Listen to campartime this time, I actually began to worry that if I enjoy listening to that, there might be something wrong with me. Yeah, I don't think might. I think full-blown, like, you've gone around the bend, bro. I mean, just be thankful if you've never met him in person. You've never had to be in a room with that freak, okay?

Because then you'd probably be in an, if you're already kind of around the bend, you'd probably be in a padded room if you ever met him in real life. So count your blessings. Thanks for the call, Brian. I'm glad you love Camp Fire Timmy. And the sad news is we're heading into summer. And that's when Camp Fire Timmy is the most active. and I've heard rumors that Mr. Featherstone wants me to actually go to a real camp

and sit around the fire with that idiot and hear him sing in his element. So I'm not looking forward to that later in the summer, but keep your eyes or ears peeled for that. You know what, Rod, let's do one more call. This is kind of fun. We have time for one more, right? One more phone call. Here we go.

Hey, Harland. This is James from Philadelphia. Philadelphia. I listen to you every chance I get, which is every episode. And at the end, when you're plugging everything, I notice, you know, you never come to Philadelphia. You know, you've got to come to Philadelphia and get a cheese steak. And don't go to jeans or pets. That's a tourist trap. That's not a real cheesecake. You've got to find the dirtiest looking pizza place, get a cheesecake. And I don't know why you wouldn't come to Philadelphia. It's only like the most important city in all of the USA. maybe you just have a fear of giant bells or, I don't know. But it'd be great to see you in Philly that should never come to. Correct me if I'm wrong. And one more thing. I want to know what's Space Ghost like.

I saw you on Space Coast and just wanted to see a cool dude. Or what? You know, let me know. Thanks. James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James, James. James, James. Hey, buddy, thank you. You know, I was in Philly once.

There's a great comedy club there called Helium. I really enjoyed it. Really great club. And I've only performed there once. And I think this was about maybe eight or nine years ago, man. And I got to tell you, I really liked that city. I had no idea what it was like. It was very historical, but it was also very cosmopolitan.

cool and hip and and and the comedy club was kind of down all the back winding roads and the roads reminded me kind of like New York a little bit but it was still its own vibe and I can't remember but I think there was like some cobblestone streets I hope I'm not wrong but I seem to remember there was some some areas where the streets were like cobblestoney but I liked how everything was like close together and there was like a little restaurants all like kind of everything tightly connected. And I remember weaving through all the streets. And, you know, it's one of those cities, too,

where at night people are out in the street on the weekends. People are out and going to wine bars and restaurants. And, dude, you're right. You are right. And it's ironic that I'm playing your message today because I rarely get cheese steaks. It's just, you know, they're not a common thing over here on the West Coast. And I went to this place today called Jersey Mike's.

subs i think i've only been there one other time in my life years ago and i just there just happened to be one near where i parked today and i went in and i ordered a philly cheese steak sandwich you know and it was really good it's like it was like the cheese steak and the and the and the onions and the grilled onions and the the bun and i was like wow this is really yummy i'm going to go back to jersey mics so you got me with the cheese steak thing bro i i know back there is I think that's where they started, right? And I think that's the most authentic place. So I don't think I had one when I was there the first time.

But if I go back, bro, I'm going to get one. I don't know about looking for the dirtiest, grungiest, like, stinkiest pizza joint to get one. Because, you know, I'm a little leery of, you know, I want my food to be clean, bro. Okay? I don't want to go to Philly and end up, you know, tits down in the river. But I will try it. And here's my vow to you. I don't know if I'm going to have time to get there in 2017,

but you've kind of put the bug in my ear. And I'm going to try and get there. I'm going to talk to my agents and say, you know what, guys? Why have the hell of it? I've been to Philly for a long time. Because the guys at helium are great. I work at all their other clubs.

They have a few other clubs across the country, Portland and places like that. So we're going to put a call in, buddy. and hopefully I'll make your wish come true. Thank you for the idea. And I'm going to try and get my butt out to Philly in 2018, okay? No promises, but I am going to actually make a serious attempt. So you better be there, man.

You better show up because I'm doing it for you, bro. Well, I'm doing it for everyone in Philly. And myself, I want to get back to that city. You called it, man. It's a great city. So Philly, look for yours truly in. 2018 okay and that's it roger let's end the show well you know what do we have a quick phone phone message let's can we just end on something really quick not a long one just a quickie you got one

all right roj hit me hi i fucking love you bro thank you wow okay that was short and sweet thanks roge and what a great way to end the show with a little love i fucking love you bro thank you well love you too thank you so much Very, very kind to spread the love for yours truly and right back at you to all of you. Love having you here on the highway. Love that you listen. Love that you enjoy it. Get a few laughs.

I love bringing it to you. So thank you. And that's it for today, man. We are all out. I mean, you know, where do you really go after Aunt Ruthie sucks? a banana at Robinson's. Yesh. Hey, one last reminder.

I know I keep hitting it over the head, but tonight, Thursday night, June 22nd, Carmel Corn the Pug in concert, taping his stand-up comedy special, the Irvine Improv in Orange County, California. Please come down and enjoy the fun. First taping at 7.30, second one at 9.45. and it's going to be like nothing you've ever seen a dog doing an hour of comedy.

Good night, Nelly Frittato. And we'll keep you updated as we start to put the special together. We'll let you know what happens with it. We'll let you know if we end up selling it to Netflix or Showtime or someone else. And if we can't sell it there, well, we'll certainly let you know where you can, Download it on the internet and blah, blah, blah. Hopefully it comes out good. I'm looking forward to it.

It'll be fun to be a dog for an hour. Also, let's see, I don't think I have any comedy gigs coming up. Because, as you guys know, if you've listened, I like to take the summers off, man. Yeah, man, I like to slow down and smell the coffee. I work hard all year, but in the summers, July and August, I say no. I say no to any gigs,

unless it's something really special, like a big festival or something. But I'm going to spend the summer chilling and fish in, and I'm sure Barbecue Eddie will be coming along and Camp Fire Timmy. And I'm going to be getting ready for Burning Man. I'm going to try and get my ass to Burning Man again this year. Hopefully I'll have some more good Burning Man stories for you.

That comes up at the end of August. And then in September, speaking of, oh, my God, speaking of the club in Portland that I just mentioned, I am going to be there in Portland at the comedy club that I just mentioned. So that'll be awesome. That's September 21st to the 24th. I will be in Portland, Portland, the same guys that own the clubs in Philly. So you know what I'll do when I'm in Portland? Lend, I'll talk to the guys in Portland, say, let's go to Philly, man.

I'll drop the seed. And then let's see, September 28th to October 1st. I'm coming back to Chicago, to the improv in Schaumburg. Yes, great club. I haven't been there in a few years. I love that club. And then in October, again, October 12th to the 15th, I will be back at the Irving. Improvine Improv doing a full set, a full weekend, just as me, not as Carmelcorn.

And then later in the year, oh my God, November, I'm going to be up in Buffalo, and then I'm going to be in San Jose, California, and then I'm going to be up in Edmonton, Alberta, in Canada. Oh, my God. Just some really good shows coming up, gang. So there might even be some more added before the end of the year, but keeping it motoring. So check my website, harlowe Williams.com,

and you can see all these dates. You can even pre-order your tickets. And make sure you have your tickets. Your tickets, your tickets, your tickets. What else can I tell you? While you're at the website, go to our store. We have great merchandise. We can mail out you.

Funny T-shirts. videos, digital downloads, books, music. Don't forget to go to iTunes and catch my new rock and roll album that I did with my cousin Kevin from The Bare Naked Ladies. The Cousins, that's the name of our band. The Cousins and the album's called Rattlesnake Love. You can download the whole album at iTunes or just one or two of your favorite songs. Hope you give it a listen.

I think you'll find something on there you dig. people are really liking it and then don't forget if you have kids or even if you're an adult watch puppy dog pals on Disney and Disney Jr. It's my animated cartoon that people are really just going nuts about

and I might have some good news coming up about it soon. Next podcast I'll tell you an incredible story about something that happened to me recently when I went into the Disney store at the local mall. Oh, my God. Did I have a moment?

Oh, did I have a moment? Oh, can we talk? I had a moment, man. It was pretty wild. So I'll tell you about that next podcast. But please check out puppy dog pals. I've been getting so many tweets and emails and people just loving the puppy dog pals.

They're sending me pictures of their children watching the television. and watching the television and they're addicted and I love it because I'm so proud of the show and I'm so happy the kids are reacting to it and even the adults, the parents are going not only to the kids love it, we love it. So that's some great news.

Thank you for watching. Please tell your friends if they have kids and check out puppy dog pals. Also, if you want to write to me, you can write to me at harlandwilums.com or if you want to leave a phone message like these other pavement pounders did. You can call me.

323, 739, 43330. Ladies, don't be afraid to leave a voicemail. Not enough of the ladies leave voicemails. Maybe I don't have many ladies that listen to the show. I think I do. But girls, don't be so timid, man. 90% of the voicemails are from dudes. We like to hear from the girls.

We like to hear from the hatties. So get on it, man. Leave some voicemails for us. And don't forget to get our app, our free app, on your cell phone. So you can listen to us wherever you may be. Just go into your app store. Type in the Harland Highway. Boom.

You got it. You get to listen to us. It's absolutely free. The most current 50 episodes are free. And then if you want the whole library of the Harland Highway, $20 a year. Yeah, it's almost a thousand. 1,000 episodes. Can you believe it? We're coming up on 1,000 real soon. This is number 880. We're like 120 away from 1,000, man. Any suggestions what we should do for the 1,000,000s episode? Suddenly I turned into the elephant, man. I hope you enjoy the thousands episode. That's going to be dramatic. It's going to be emotional. I don't know how the 1,000.

episode. I'm just going to be so emotional. I'm going to be overwhelmed. Oh, my God. Yeah, get the premium membership. It's only $20 and it helps us here at the website. And I throw on some bonus content here and there when I can. And I hope you guys can jump on and become premium members. All right?

So I think that's it for now. God, all these announcements. Yeah, that's it for now. Thank you for being here. Go get your face misted. And if you can't do that, just go stand behind a giraffe. All right, that's it for now. Thanks for being here, everybody.

And until next time, chicken chameen, baby. The power of Christ compelled you. The power of Christ compelled you. The power of Christ. Oh, my God. God, I don't know where that even came from. Oh, Christ, Jesus.