The Harland Highway - 881 - A visit to MR. FEATHERSTONE'S office. Death of an icon. Strange behavior from grown men.

Episode Date: June 26, 2017

Harland is summoned to his bosses office, Mr. Featherstone. Strange behavior for a grown man. The death of an iconic place. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh yeah, here we go, here we go. Get on your motorcycle, rev the engine. Let's get on the Harland Highway, right? Yeah, here we are. I'm Harland Williams, your host. You're on the Harland Highway podcast. And today I'm going to tell you about something that I'm not sure a full-grown man should do. Yes, I'm opening up, I'm exposing myself. I did something very peculiar. I'm a full-grown man. I don't know if it was appropriate. But I'm going to let you guys in on it and you can decide. Oh my God, I'm a little embarrassed, but who cares? I'm going to tell you. Okay, so we got that. And then we got a crazy news story about a place that all of us like to hang out, but might be closing for good. A place that that's part of the fabric of our lives

might be closing for good. Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. And then I'm going to tell you, you about a really cool thing I did. I went to the mall, and I saw something really cool, and I bought it, and it kind of plays into my other story. So that'll be fun. And then lastly, I have to go visit my boss, Mr. Featherstone. I'm not sure what he's up to. I've heard it has something to do with barbecue Eddie. I'm very scared, frightening alone. I always am. This is the Harlan Highway Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper.

Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-chic-chac-cha, chica-chic-a-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chall. Mane, baby. And the creature from all the space.

Please don't stop. I got to feed an ugly face. Magnificent performance. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business.

Okay. Now, this first segment might seem a little weird. It might seem a little odd. you might be like, what the hell is wrong with Harland? And even I'm like a little weirded out by it, but I think you'll see why I did this, and I think you'll be on board,

and I think you would have done the exact same thing if you were me, okay? It's very exciting. It's kind of a once-in-a-lifetime event. It's thrilling. It's magical. It's all these things. so let me get into it and you tell me if you wouldn't have done the exact same thing i think you

would have so as you know i i have this uh animated show that i've been telling you about that i created and sold to the walt disney corporation uh i'm getting tons of great feedback and and tweets and people sending me pictures of their kids watching the show in front of the tv that's tweeting me and it's just been amazing reaction people are loving the show parents and their kids and so as the show starts rolling out in the background uh disney as they do has been making toys they've been making you know getting ready to roll out a big toy line which i was told by them was going to launch in august okay so last weekend i'm working at a club outside of los angeles and and i'm staying at a nice hotel and right across the street is a

big giant mall. And I'm going to talk more about malls later in the show, by the way. But for now, I'm in the mall and I'm walking around, you know, looking for a hot dog on a stick or a vetsal. And I see a Disney store, right? And I'm like, oh, okay, let's go in the Disney store. I'll take a peek and ask them about, you know, the upcoming puppy dog pals toys. uh because from what i learned over at disney is that when they roll out a new show with new toys the disney stores get them exclusively for a few months before they roll them out into all the

other stores like the walmarts and the targets and wherever else they may end up toys or us or whatever so i thought i'll go in and i'll just ask you know i'll ask the people that work there and and i kind of expected them to go you know what puppy dog what what What do you, is that one of our shows? Like, because it's a new show, and the toys weren't supposed to be out until August, I thought they, you know, there might be a chance they might not even be aware of the show. So I walk in and, you know, I'm just there and I'm looking around and I walk up to one of the attendants and I say, excuse me, do you guys know when you're going to get the puppy dog pals toys in?

And I expected a blank stare and like I said, the what, the what, the what? The puppy what? And instead I got, oh, they just came in this week. They're right over here, sir. And I'm like, what? And she goes, yes, they're right over here. Come on over. And she took me over.

And sure enough, sitting on a shelf was a limited amount. I guess they're just kind of rolling them out. So it's pretty new. It wasn't a big shelf space. I'm hoping it is eventually. But it was nonetheless, it was shelf space. There they were my, the toys based on characters that I created and named and designed and helped design.

And I was just like, oh, my God. Oh, my God, like plush toys. They were like stuffed animal toys. And if you don't know my show, it's about two little pugs, a black pug and a tan pug. And the tan pug is a little chubby. his name's Roli, and the other pug is a little friskier. He's the black pug, and his name's Bingo. And so all of a sudden, there's like multiple versions of Rolian bingo

staring at me from the shelf at the Disney store, and I'm like, oh, my God, like my heart went a flutter. I mean, let's be honest, how many people and myself included ever imagined, I got to be honest, I did imagine it when I was younger. But how many people have ever, like, been in a store and seen a toy that they helped create? A toy that was conceived in your mind and was now a physical toy product on a shelf. I mean, I was a little taken aback. I was a little emotional.

Oh, my, I was literally like, I was like, whoa, I was kind of like took my breath. away for a minute, right? It was a very thrilling moment for me. And then also, there's another character in the show called Hissy. She's the house cat. She lives in the house with the two pogs, and then their owner, Bob, who I do the voice of. I do the voice of Bob.

There's no Bob doll yet. There better be, damn it. But right now it's just bingo roly and hissy the cat. And I was like, oh my goodness, you know? so I kind of was freaking out and just having one of those moments. And I got to be honest, going back a little bit, when I say, you know, whoever imagined they'd have toys, well, when I first got out of college,

I started with children's books. So I have like eight or nine children's books that have been published over the years. And so I actually did visualize having plush toys of characters from my children's book. So it wasn't these characters, but I imagined one day, I was like, I think I hope someday, or I'm, you know,

kind of angling that one day I create characters that become toys. So now here it is. So here's where it got a little interesting is I actually thought, well, I've got to buy these. I know Disney's probably going to give me like a bucket of them because it's my show, but that's down the road. I was like, I was too excited. I was like, these are my toys.

I got to buy them. So I scooped up a roly and bingo. Actually, what happened is I went to the front counter and asked them how they were selling before I did that. She goes, oh, they just came out so people are loving them and they're starting to move off the shelves. And then the lady, I think, recognized me. The lady behind the counter and she goes, you don't have anything to do with them, do you? And I was like, oh, what do I say? What do I do?

And then I was like, you know what? Why not? I said, yeah, it's my show. I created those puppies. Those came out of my head, my imagination. And she was like, oh, my goodness, blah, blah. She goes, do you want me to get you some fresh ones out of the back? It's like it was like meat? I was at a butcher. She goes, you want me to get some fresh toys out of the back? Ones that nobody's touched? The kids haven't put their hands on, you know, because there can be germs and stuff. And I was like, you know what? She's right. I said, yeah, bring me some fresh ones. So she went in the back and she got me a fresh brand new, untouched, roly, bingo, and hissie set.

I got the matching set. And I think I recorded some of our conversation. I'll look in my phone. I think I recorded some of our interaction. If I can find it, I'll put it up on the, later in the show here. But for now, I just want to keep with the toy story element. And what happened is I bought the things. I bought these plush toys.

And I got back to my hotel, and I got to say, they're just, they're cute. Even though I know where they came from and I've been working closely with the show for the last six years I've been developing this show, they were cute as hell. I couldn't kind of take my eyes off, and they're really sweet and cute and lovable. And that night, here's where I'm, this is where I asked you the question, that night, I slept with my, I plush toys. I slept with rolling, bingo, and izzie. I was like a little kid. I had my arms around them as I fell asleep.

And I'm like, is this weird? Is this creepy? And I'm like, no, I deserve that. How many people on the planet end up having toys made from their ideas? And I was like, these aren't just toys. These are my babies. These are my creations. I conceived these puppies and this cat.

They're my family. They're out of my. brain and I hear there's two elements to this I hugged them I held them I fell asleep I can't even believe I'm telling you this it's so it's a bit humiliating but it's also like screw it I was I was so happy and proud and in love with that moment and all that hard work and here I was snuggling with bingo and roly and hissy just just laying there and here's the other element that I didn't count on, okay? I haven't snuggled with a plush toy in my bed since I was a little boy.

And I got to be honest, it felt really comforting. It felt really good. It kind of made me feel like a little kid again. My heart was all gooey and mushy, and I nuzzled them, and I squeezed them. I was just like, I'm not kidding. I felt like a little freaking boy again, man. It was so bizarre, but it felt good. There was such an innocence and a sweetness to it.

It reminded me of when I was a little boy, and I used to have like 40 stuffed toys on my bed. I remember at night I used to make a circle. I put them in a circle around me, and I'd sleep in the circle. And they were like my protectors, and they were my comfort, and they were my friends. And now here I am,

54 years old and I'm snuggling in bed with these little stuffed puppy toys and a cat, a purple cat. Oh, man. And so even though it's like, it's kind of like something grown men don't do, I did it. And I'm glad I did it and it just felt marvelous. And it just, you know, it just made all the hard work. that I had done, it kind of was like, it kind of brought me home to like, God, we did it, man. We did it. This was in my imagination and now it's a physical thing

I'm holding in my arms. And I fell asleep holding my little babies, my little puppies, and a purple cat. Um, so there you go. Confessions of a, an animator, of a guy who creates cartoons. And my question has to be, Would you do it? I think you would. Come on. Guys, even if you were a football player or a UFC fighter or, I mean, you got to cut me some slack on that one. If you invent, if you create little fluffy, cute little toys and you got to sleep with them, at least one night.

And so I brought them home and now they're on my bed at home. I'm not snuggling with them anymore, but they're just there. They're free to roam around on my bed. my sheets and on the pillow and, you know, all the things stuffed toys do when you're asleep, when you're moving around and rolling, and they're probably going on a ride all over the place. But there it is. My confession and I have to say that I think all of you would have done the same thing,

if not all of you, like 95%. You just have to. It's like if you invented a flavor of ice cream, what? You're not going to taste it. You're not going to... Well, I've invented it. it a new flavor. It certainly looks delicious, but I'm not going to taste it. Or if you're a chef, you know, if you come up with a creation, or if you're a filmmaker and you make a movie,

oh, I'm not going to see my own movie. No, no, no. Oh, I just wrote a book. I'm not going to read my own book. It's like if you make a toy, you got to snuggle with your toy. End of case closed. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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So anyways, there you go. Exciting time, exciting moment for me. And for those of you that do watch the show, I've been getting a lot of people writing me saying, one are the toys coming out? One of the toys? So it looks like they snuck them out ahead of August. Like I said, there weren't a ton of them, so I have a feeling this is just kind of the early rollout for the puppy dog pals toys. But if you're listening and you have kids and your kids love the show and you've been wondering about the toys, hit the Disney stores up.

See if you can find them. I've had people write in and say they didn't see them in other Disney stores. So I think this is just like the early sampling, you know, before the big. I think the big rollout will come in August. There's going to be more than plush toys. I think there's going to be like, you know, all kinds, like a whole blowout of toys. So cool stuff. There you go.

And like I said, I'll see if I can dig up some of the footage I recorded in the store. And we'll play it later in the show. But for now, I want to get to a crazy news story, gang, that deals with malls. As I said, I was wandering around in the mall. and what's going on with malls. Raj, play the intro music, and let's do this crazy news story. The Harland Highway.

Crazy news stories. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. For decades, Americans have loved to shop at malls. But now, the industry as a whole is taking a big hit, and retail workers are getting the brunties. According to the Labor Department, in the last 15 years, jobs at traditional department stores fell 46%.

Compare that to the coal industry where jobs fell 32% during the same period. Now, more than 3,000 stores are set to close so far this year. That's double the number in the same period in 2016. A retail consultant told CNN that 2017 will see the largest number of store closings since the Great Recession. Some point to competition from online giant Amazon and chains like Walmart and Target, shifting a lot of their resources to online shopping. Oh, boy, scary. I mean, what will we do when there's no more malls, everybody? You know, it's one thing to say, oh, online shopping's so easy.

I don't have to leave my house, and I can just, I can peruse through the internet and find whatever I want. And bingo, it's there the next day. And that is a convenience and that is fun and that is, it is easy and it's fast and it's, it's, you know, it lets you look at a lot of stuff a lot faster because you don't have to, you don't have to put in the real estate. You don't have to do all the walking from store to store and floor to floor and from one end of the mall to the other. And you can't find exactly the color or the size or the style you're looking for. Okay, sure. internet shopping alleviates all those uh all those deficiencies right but you know the other thing about going to the mall is you know there's a certain tranquility about it there's the you're walking in the air-conditioned comfort there's the muzac playing in the background there's the knowledge in your head that you know, you can shop for a while and then go to the food court and eat Panda Express and then wander aimlessly and look at merchandise you might not be driven to

online because online you've got a specific idea of what you want to find. But in the mall you can be like, well, I'm going to buy a new shirt and whoops a daisy. What's that? An electric banana-shaped telephone in the window of a store? Or, or Well, I think I'll get some new shoes. Whoops, a daisy. A puppy. There's a puppy in the window. Oh, my God.

I think I'll go get a coffee at Starbucks. Is that a hot dog on a stick? Oh, M.J. You know what I mean? So there's all these other sensory applications that happen when you're in a physical mall. and also it's a bit of a communal thing. You know, people walk around like mall zombies. They don't really, you know, people don't really communicate

until you go into a store. And then, you know, the people who work there are like your best friend that you've never had. Oh, hi, how are you? Don't you look great? How may I help you? Let me know if I can get you anything, okay? Can I rub your back?

Really? A hand job, of course. But the minute you leave the store, It's just kind of muzac. You know, or you can watch a fountain. Sometimes there's a fountain in the mall. And if you go to the super malls, oh my God, you got the wave pool and you got the parrots and the dolphins

and the skating rink and the movie theater. But more than that, the other thing that's kind of unsaid, which is kind of interesting about them all. It's comforting and it's fascinating. Is you're interacting with other human beings. You're not really talking to them so much, but you're flowing with them. You're moving with them. Like you ever see those big schools of sardines in the ocean?

Hundreds of thousands of fish all schooled together. When one of them turns one way, the whole school goes that way, and they kind of move as a collective group. Now, even though in the mall, humans are walking this way and that way and opposite directions of each other and right and left, you're still all kind of in the mall, moving, swirling around together. You're in a flow. You know, you're walking around at the same pace pretty much. You're kind of engaged in the same body language. You're looking, you're walking, you're moving. So in a way, you're communing, you're interacting with your neighbors, your neighborhood, the people in your community. So there's a bit of a bonding experience that I don't think we really think about. That's a me psychoanalyzing the psychology of a mall. And more than that, it's also, I think we're all into this.

It's a fascinating place to people watch, isn't it? I don't think any of us go into a mall without just staring at other people. We look at what they're wearing. We look at how they're behaving. We look at their haircuts. We look at their facial expressions. We look at their facial and body characteristics. We examine families.

We go, oh, there's a father, a son, a daughter. They're pushing a baby. They're sitting in the food cord. You know, you examine how they interact with each other. You kind of try and gauge people's feelings in a mall by the way they're carrying themselves, the way they're walking. Are they laughing? Are they giggling?

Do they look forlorn? Are they searching for puppy dog pals merchandise? You know, that type of thing. Slip that in there. But there's a lot going on at a mall. And the question I have to ask, is it beneficial? Is it healthy? Is it good to be out schooling?

if you will, with other people in your community? Is it good for the mind and the body and the spirit to be, you know, participating in being close to other people that live near you in the community? Or even if they're tourists, it doesn't matter. It's human interaction to a degree. Is there comfort in that hum in the air from the talking and the laugh?

You know, the white noise? You're not picking out specific conversations, but you're hearing people talking and laughing and moving and shuffling. And is there something fun to, is there something ritualistic to go into the mall? Is it something we look forward to? Is it fulfilling? As annoying as standing in lines can be, there's something anticipatory about them. You know, if you get in a line at Mrs. Fields cookies, or you're you. get in a line at jamba juice, or even if you're at the line at urban outfitters and you're

waiting your turn to go to the cashier, there's a sense of kind of Christmassy anticipation, like, oh, I'm in line, I'm next, I'm going to get something. It's kind of a buildup. It's like, I'm here now, but I'm waiting, but in five minutes, I'm going to be digesting a delicious jamba juice, superpower, orange delight, frosty dairy drink with citrus. Or I'm going to have a new pair of jeans in a bag in my hand And then I'm going to go home and look at myself in front of the mirror And oh, I'm so excited

So I guess my question is do we eliminate Do we eliminate all that stuff And is it important to us as a society Maybe it is Maybe it is, maybe it isn't Maybe you know, I did a podcast once where I talked about how I went through a mall and I was very depressed.

You can find it somewhere in the annals of this podcast. You know, I went to a mall once and I talked about it, the whole podcast, I got extremely depressed because it made me think that we're just a bunch of, you know, brand name commercial hoarders. we're all just looking for product and we're all just these victims of advertising

and we're all trained to want the same crap and we're all greedy and we're all just consumers a black hole of never-ending consuming and digesting and spending and collecting and I thought to myself when I was in a mall once don't we have higher aspirations than to wander around self-gratifying ourselves with with consumer goods you know and I felt I felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything in life I felt like I was not not worthy of living because I was

like what am I doing just wandering in a mall looking for crap to buy that I don't really need you know what I mean so there's the yin and the yang but nonetheless you know I think around the holidays, I think it can be kind of cheery to go to a mall. You know, they theme it up, they play the Christmas music, they put the lights and the trees, and everyone seems to be in generally good spirits and joyful. And, you know, you're not at the mall for yourself, but you're there to buy for people you love. You're there to spend money on others. And it's kind of exciting.

So I don't know, man That this whole online shopping thing is good But is it taking away from part of who we are As a communal society And on the other side is it is it dangerous for You know Our community as, you know, as far as jobs go And places to work

And opportunities I mean, let's face it, all these malls and stuff, they fill a need as well as just our consumer needs. They create employment. So let me get into this story. I know you heard the little soundbite. Let me read a little bit here. The headline for today's crazy news story are shopping malls and endangered species. Here's the story.

Are going out of business sales near for America's malls? By many accounts, the convenience centers at a business. been favorites for generations of shoppers appear to be in trouble with a surge of retailers closing locations and increasing online sales. Global financial services giants say that up to 25% of the nation's malls could close by 22. That's a lot. 25%? However, shopping industry experts say the number of malls is holding steady and the sector is coping well. So who's, do we believe? I don't know. Starting in the 50s and accelerating into the 70s,

malls became gathering places for teens, convenient shopping centers for their parents, and a growing challenge to smaller retailers in cities and towns nationwide. That's another thing, man. I did spend a lot of my teens hanging out in a mall. Fairview Mall in North York, Toronto, Canada. It was a new mall. It went up when I was like nine or ten years old.

And the whole community is like, oh, it was like someone landed on the moon. It was a huge new mall, modern, it had moving sidewalks, they called them. You ever been on those, it's like a flat escalator, you know, there's not stairs, but it's just flat. It's like a rubber mat and you just slide. You don't have to step. You just stand on it and it slides. That was the big thing, right in the middle of the mall. The moving, the sliding stairs.

Ooh. But I have amazing memories of the mall. That's where me and my buddies were going to hang out. Even if we didn't have money, we'd hang out and laugh and play and hang out. So let me continue. Your collectively historic mall anchor stores, including Macy Sears and J.C. Penny, are cutting back hundreds of stores. Also, one-time electronics giant Radio Shack has shuttered more than a thousand locations

since the Memorial Day weekend as part of a second, hear that second bankruptcy proceeding in two years. In part, the closing result from increases in online shopping as traditional brick and mortar stores ramp up their own omni-channel strategies that have given customers the ability to buy from mobile phones, desktop computers, regular phones, or in-person shopping trips. Well, that's a mouthful. Quote, the internet is the enemy of shopping mall, says Mark Cohen, a former Sears Canada CEO,

is now the director of retail studies at a business school in New York City. Customers are willing to buy everything and anything online. Very true, man. Very true. And this story goes on for quite a while, so I'm not going to read the whole thing. But I think you get the gist of it, right? So where do you stand? Do you want to, do you want the malls to go away?

Do you shop online? Or do you shop, do you shop in the malls? Do you love the malls? I don't know. It's interesting times, man. The internet is shaking up our world. I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad.

It's a depression. Everybody's out of war. worth or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth. Banks are going bust, shop, keep us keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's nobody anywhere seems to know what to do and there's no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat. We sit watching our TVs while some local newscaster tells us that today we had 15 homicides and 63 violent crimes as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad, worse than bad.

They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we're living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radios, and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone. Well, I'm not going to leave you alone.

I want you to get mad. I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to ride. I don't want you to write to your congressman, because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first, you've got to get mad. You've got to say, I'm a human being. God damn it, my life has value.

So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chest. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out, and yell. I'm as mad as hell And I'm not going to take this anymore Okay Bro, let's all have a freaking Coffee and chill out man

So I looked around for my clip My little recording of the The Disney store thing And I found it but it was so noisy And there was a bunch of music playing over it So it's not worth playing Because it's just too The audio is too crummy

But anyways I think we've covered enough ground with the Disney stuffed toys, a cool experience. Let's move on. Roger, what's going on? Do we have any, huh? Hold on. Roger's yelling at me. What is it?

Okay. Mr. Featherstone wants me to go up to his office. What, right now? Why? I'm in the middle of the show. I was just about to wrap the show up actually I gotta go up there right now Good God, okay

So here we go gang I've got to go up to my boss's office on the 12th floor Mr. Featherstone I don't know why As usual Because I like to document these insane Sessions I'm gonna stay wired

Good Lord Who knows what he what does he want Roger I don't know Jeez You don't have to snap at me I'm just asking All right Well play a commercial

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Thank you Betty And there's another one from the other hand Okay, I don't know how you type And flip me off at the same time What? Okay She's sending me in Here we go Here we go

I'm getting up, I'm walking Thank you Betty Same to you I'm going in the door There's my boss behind his desk Say hello sir Hello Sir hello

Hello? Hello, I said it already. What am I, a Swiss yodeling machine? No, sir, I didn't know that you heard me. Well, when you hear me say hello, what do you think I'm saying goodbye? No, no, sir, I just... Hello? Oh, so you're going to do it again, a Swissie, Swiss, Swiss, the yodeling machine.

No, sir, I'm not Swissly Swiss the yodeling machine. I'm Harland Williams. Oh! Okay, we're not playing this game, sir. Who did you say you were? Harland Williams. Ha-

Hala-la-la-wa- Hulu-Loo-Hulul-Loo. Sir, Harland Williams from the Harland Highway podcast. Halaw-Wah, Sool-Loo,

from the Awo-Pla-S-Pla-Bla. Sir! Don't raise your voice of me Twiddly fingers Thumbardrums What Sir, why am I Why am I up here?

Oh, what am I God? I don't know Why don't you ask God why you're up here We're everywhere, are we? No, why am I in your office, sir? Oh, let me guess Gee, because your legs carried you in here You dumb corksniffing

crap soak Sap, I don't need the What do you want, sir? I want to talk to you about your plod plop. My podcast? Yeah, you plop plobblob. Sir, it's not a paloblob. It's a podcast.

Whatever, sit down. Yes, sir. Now, yes, sir? Before we get started. Okay. Have you ever. farted. No, I'm not talking about farting on things, sir. Have you ever farted on a merry-go-round? Sir, I would never, first of all, it's unbelievable. You sit on a bear or a horse or a dragon or

something and you let a fart rip and it blows back at all the children's faces. It's unbelievable. The faces prune up like they just sniffed a rotten pumpkin pie at a elf festival. At an elf festival. That's right. What the hell is an elf festival, sir? It's where all the elves go. The elves. Yeah, they all get together and hang out.

Kind of like you and your funny guy friends down at your funny little bars downtown. Sir, I don't go to funny bars downtown. Oh, yeah, what about that one on third street? What? Which one? You know, Simon's third eye Simon's third eye Ah, see, you know about it

I do not know about Simon's third eye Uh huh Sir, can we get on with this Now listen, you had a guy calling into your show for years Okay, I've had lots of people call into my show This guy, you're barbecue Eddie Yeah, okay Yes

Summer's coming up And you know We always have Barbecue Eddie on the show And this guy's been looking for a barbecue For how long I don't know sir Maybe five six years And has he ever found one

Well sadly I don't think he has sir Bingo Under the eye Dildo Excuse me sir Under the eye Dildo Bingo. Under the eye dildo, sir.

Oh, don't tell me you don't know what a dildo is. Sir? Probably have them all over the place at your funny bars downtown at 49th and 12th. Sir? You know, at the old watermelon hole? The old watermelon hole. Uh-huh. Sir?

Uh-huh. Sir, I don't go to funny bar. What do you want? This guy, this barbecue Eddie. Okay. I've been getting too many letters. People feel bad for him because he's never been to a barbecue. Okay, and how is that anything to do with me, sir?

Here's what. He's on your plod slot. Podcast? Whatever. Okay. So, you're going to have him on your plod block, and you're going to have a barbecue with barbecue Eddie. Wait a minute, sir

I'm not having a... That guy's a little weird I don't care He's part of your schnaudglad And you're gonna have him on And you're gonna throw a barbecue for that guy I don't want to throw a barbecue for barbecue Eddie Oh how would you like me to cancel your crod crop

It's a podcast sir Whatever Sir Sir in a tanning salon. Sir, I don't go to tanning salons, and I don't fart. Well, you ought to try it. I'll tell you what, you get in one of those tanning bands, right?

And you lay down a nice long fart. It's like baked Alaska. What, sir? It's like baking a honey glazed ham in there. Just the heat from the sun lamps, it bakes your fart. You can almost touch you. it. Sir? Is this necessary talking about tanning salon farting? Have you ever tried it? No. Well, you should. Do you like baked Alaska? Friddle face?

Friddle. No, I don't like baked Alaska and stop calling me names. Oh, okay, they're violin fingers, Freddy. Sir! Now, you're going to call up this barbecue any guy. sir and you're going to have a real-life barbecue with this guy and you're going to record it for your plodge clock sir i don't think this is a good idea oh i don't think it's a good idea that you hang out with your guy friends down at saliva peats so where saliva peats at 49th and 15th downtown i have never been to

is that a bar no it's a funny little bar i have never been to to saliva peat, sir. Ah, sir? Ah! Sir, I am not... I don't think there's barbecue anything... By the way, have you ever farted on an egg?

Excuse me? You take an egg and you think there's nothing in it but an egg, right? No, what? But if you fart on an egg, I did it the other day. I fart it on an egg from the grocery store and a fucking chicken came out, a little baby chicken.

Sir, that is not scientifically that is impossible. Oh, have you ever farted on an egg, Sally Struthers' face? No! Well, why don't you try it before you, and see the miracle of baby chick-chick-chick? What does that mean? You fart on an egg? Okay. And baby chick-chick comes out, the little yellow fucking chick-chick.

chick. So you're telling me a full-grown man to squat over an egg, right, fart on it, correct. And through some miracle of science, baby chick-chick comes out? That's right, and it makes noises, it peeps. Probably like the noises that come through the glory hall down at your funny little. I'm not going to hear any, but you know what? Just to get out of this office, sir, I will do it.

I will make arrangements over the next few weeks to get Barbecue Eddie in for his own barbecue. Are you happy? Yes! Now there goes my phone. Get the hell out of here. Don't you got to go play with someone's underpants or something? Sir! Get out of here!

Thank you, sir. Thank you. Don't forget to wash the door knob off on your way out, grease fingers. Sir! Get out of here! Oh, God! This guy is too much, man. Thank you, Betty.

It was great to see you. Yeah. Yeah, thanks. Beautiful fingers, Betty. I love what you've done with your nails. Another middle finger from Betty. All right, I'm heading back to the studio. I'm just, I'm going to end the show in the studio.

Unreal. God! For my feminine itching, I depend on vagasil cream to stop it instantly. And for a painful burning itch, I get maximum strength Vagicil for even stronger relief. There's Vagicil cream and maximum strength. Okay, great. I'm back in the office.

Roger, that was a disaster. You'll never guess you're going to have to track down. Yeah, barbecue Eddie, man. The big guy upstairs wants to do a real outdoor barbecue of that freak. All right, well, you got your marching orders, man. Find them and get them in here over the next little bit. Barbecue Eddie is a guy that we've had on the show every summer, and he's endlessly looking to just have a barbecue with someone,

and I guess my boss, Mr. Featherstone, has had enough, and he wants me to finally have a barbecue with this nutbag. I'm sorry, but he's a weird dude. Oh, God. Okay, well, keep your ears peeled for that coming up. And I think that's it. That's all I got for today, Raj. I'm, like, exhausted.

Featherstone just crushes my will, crushes my spirit. I'm done. Let's just do some announcements, okay? Please, and we'll close up shop. Thank you for being here, everybody. Sorry you had to endure that. Unbelievable. But, you know, we just keep powering through here on the Harland Highway.

Let's see, what can I tell you? please get our premium membership. I just posted some great material on the premium membership. I guess that's how you say it. For those of you that enjoyed my podcast about the anti-poaching discussion, for premium members only, I've added some more of that event. and basically after the gentleman in charge of the anti-poaching corporation, he did a question and answer period,

and people from the crowd yelled out questions, and he answered them as they pertain to the horrible poaching that's being done in Africa and wiping out our rhinos and our elephants and so on. So if you want to catch that conversation and hear those questions and answers, join our premium membership. It just got posted like a few days ago. And it's $20 a year. So you get these special postings that could be interviews or bits or jokes or live stand-up comedy, whatever.

Plus you get the whole library of every episode of the Harland Highway we've ever, ever done. And we're coming up on a thousand folks. So that's a pretty good deal for. 20 bucks and that money goes to support the podcast so as you know i don't have sponsors so um it's a lot of work and we put that money towards the podcast man so thank you premium members i do appreciate it man also don't forget if you want to write me or call me harlandwilliams com is the email address you can write me at harland williams dot com on our contact link or can phone me and leave a voicemail.

323-739-43330. That phone number is on the website. It takes about six or seven rings before the machine picks up. It's a little antiquated, but just hang in there and you can leave any kind of message you want. 3-2-3-739-43-30. While you're at the website, check out my stand-up comedy dates.

Oh, yes. There's none left in the summer here, But starting in September, we're ready to rock and roll, man. We just added a date in Portland, Portland, Oregon. Great comedy club up there. You can check that out on my website. We'll be up in Portland. That'll be September 21st to the 24th.

And then the following weekend, September 28th to October 1st, Chicago, Schaumburg, Illinois, Chicago. So that'll be amazing. Haven't been back there for a while. And then later in October, October 12th to the 15th, I will be in Irvine, California. Yeah, the improv. By the way, I think I said it, but the Chicago date,

yes, I did say it, September 28th to October 5th. So check out Harlowliambs. You can order and reserve your tickets as of now if you want and looking forward to seeing you guys out there, baby also get our free app

just go into your app store on your phone type in the Harland Highway and boom! You can listen to us wherever the hell you may be. It's awesome. You can stream it through your car you can be walking your dog, you can be sitting in the park, you can be in your cubicle at work,

You can be in your cubicle at work. You can be at the gym, wherever you want. I will keep you company with the Harland Highway podcast. And like I said, don't forget to become a premium member. And keep on checking out my Disney show, the Puppy Dog Pals. Take a look at it. Tell your friends about it. Get their kids on it.

People are loving it. And also don't forget, if you like music, me and my cousin, Kevin Hearn, from the Bare Naked Ladies, have a hobby band called The Cousins, and we just put a new album out. It is on iTunes. It's called The Cousins Rattlesnake Love. And, yeah, there's some fun tunes on there. You can download one, or you can download the whole album. I think you'll like it.

Give it a listen. Ah, I just took a sip of my Chick-fil-A Coke. Listen to that ice. Mmm, delicious, ice-cold Coke. So that's it for today. you guys pavement pounders uh thank you so much and uh and uh i think that's it i think we'll we'll close up shop uh roger's going to look for barbecue eddie somewhere out there in the world i'm sure we'll be hearing from barbecue eddie real soon because summer is upon us

and uh all that fun stuff so thank you for being here uh keep on rocking in the free world and until next time chicken chowman Baby? I'll tell you what. You get in one of those tanning bands, right? And you lay down a nice long fart. It's like baked Alaska.