The Harland Highway - 883 - DON'T PEE IN THE POOL! What is a BEARD SIZZZLE? Science and pool pee!

Episode Date: July 3, 2017

DON'T PEE IN THE POOL, it will make you SICK! What is a BEARD SIZZLE? Science and pool pee, an expert explains! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ooh, it's going to be a doozy today, ladies and gentlemen. A real doozy. Yeah, that's right. You're at the Harland Highway podcast rolling down the Harlan Highway. I'll be your chauffeur, baby. And we're touching on summer, man. Summer is in full swing as far as I'm concerned. And we have a horrifying, crazy news story about what could be in your swimming pool. Oh, my God. It's something. something you kind of thought might be there, weren't sure if it was there, but guess what? According to science, it is there mega, mega big time. So crazy news story. Then I'm going to tell you about a new invention. Two words sizzle beard. I just made it up. But it is so cool.

It's maybe just for the men, but then I don't know. Maybe the girls could do it too. I'm going to talk about it. my new invention, sizzle beard. Oh, just, I love it. Wait, do you hear this? And then towards the end of the show, we have a scientist from Berkeley,

a German professor from Berkeley calling in to talk about something a little disturbing, something that involves bodily functions, something that might make some of you a little queasy. It's not going to be pretty. But it is science. This podcast isn't. It's crazy.

It's the Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-chic-chac-cha, chik-a-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chow, baby.

And the creature from all of us, baby. Please don't stop. I got it. Sweet and ugly faith Magnificent performance This is the Harland Highway I hate you Well that's the way it goes

What do you say We get down to business Boy, I hate to start the podcast off this way. I really do. I hate to start summer off this way. But this is not good news what I'm about to give you. This could throw a crimp into your summer vacation plans. This could throw a crimp into your weekend summer lounging plans.

This could put a big yellow stain across your leisure time. Oh boy, oh boy, Roger, play the crazy news story theme, because here it is. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. That's strange stuff. You've done it. We know you have.

And it looks like you're not the only one peeing in the pool. Every pool. A lot. That's according to a new study published in environmental science and technology letters. The scientists did more than ask people, although one in five Americans admit they pee in the pool. Ah. No, the scientists found a way to know for sure. It turns out all those artificial sweeteners we eat and drink make their way to our pee. And the scientists figured out how to measure it.

They tested 31 pools and tubs, and yes, they found urine in all of them. 30 to 75 liters of urine over the course of three weeks, to be specific. But it doesn't really matter, since that's what we're in. we have chlorine for, right? Not necessarily. The study notes urine can react with chlorine to form byproducts that can hurt your eyes and respiratory system through long-term exposure. So we shouldn't have to say this, but please stop peeing in the pool. Oh, God, oh God, you know, I have a pool. I know some of you listening have pools. And I kind of get at my head that when my friends come over, when I have a barbecue or a pool party or whatever,

I just get at my head that, you know what? We're all adults. We used to pee in the pool when we were kids. You know, that's something we don't do now. But hearing this survey, I'm a little suspicious of my friends now, some of them. And yes, it is so easy to pee in the pool, isn't it? And you think, oh, no one will know.

and it's all spread out and you know I don't want to get out of the nice warm water and I'm a little drunk so you know I'm feeling a little looser the problem is when people are a little drunk their peas are like nine times as long okay for those of you that drink or don't drink Dalo, when you drink a little glass of water or a glass of orange juice, your pee is moderate to small. When you're out barbecuing and you drink like four or five beers or two or three mixed drinks or whatever, man, you pee like a fountain in Times Square. It just keeps coming and coming and coming and coming. So I got to tell you, man, you know, if someone's doing a barbecue pee in the pool, yikes. And to hear all that stuff, it's a little freaky.

So let's read into this a little bit. Scientists confirm worst fears about pee and pools. That's the headline. And, you know, when scientists are worried, you know, scientists worry about global warming and radiation and the end of the world and meteors hitting the earth. So when, quote, scientists confirm worst fears about pee and pools, we in trouble, people. Here's the story about one in five Americans say they've peed in the pool.

Yuck. And here, this is a kicker. Even the world's most famous pool user, Michael Phelps, the guy who unlike 9. million gold medals in the Olympics. I'm wondering if those gold medals were forged from they just solidified some of the gold urine water he was swimming in. Phelps says everybody does it. And now sciences have finally figured out a way to quantify just how much urine is in our pools.

And the results won't please swimmers, as we've heard. a research team testing 31 pools and hot tubs and yes hot tubs are even worse because a pool you're kind of getting in and out of you know the pool's not as warm the pool's kind of you know you get in and out you go get a drink you jump in you jump off the side you have fun you splash around

a hot tub bro oh hell no when you're when you're in a hot tub you're home for the evening man And when you get down in that heated water and those jets are massaging your back and your flubbery ass cheeks. Oh, you don't want to go nowhere, bro. You just want to sit there and get spoiled. You got the heat going through your veins and you got the bubbles. And I think all that bubble movement and the heat kind of makes the pee get active. And so you're so calm and relaxed.

You just want to let it out. You're just like, oh, yeah, bro. Oh, yeah. Mix my lemonade in with those bubbles. Mm-mm. And, you know, urine's warm, so people are like, Harlan, can you turn the hot tub down? It just went up a few degrees too hot.

And I'm like, yeah, because half of you are pissing. Oh, that's so wrong. So not true. Oh, wait, whoops. I just squirted when I got angry there. I mean, good Lord, the hot tub And that's even less water That's like at least the pools like swimming in a lake

The hot tub's like sitting in a bathtub with your friends Ew So they found there's evidence of urine in every single one of them On average there were eight gallons of urine And a 110,000 gallon pool And 18.5 gallons of urine in a 220,000 gallon pool, 18.5 gallons of urine? Ladies and gentlemen, why don't we just go to the airport

and I'll take a dip in the public toilets? I mean, is there any difference? Yeah, here we go. According to the story, the results were even grosser for hot tubs. I told you, one hotel hot tub was found to have three times the urine. level of the worst swimming pool. Yeah, I wonder if that hotel had the number six next to it. Yeah, motel six gallons of urine.

Researchers figured this all up by measuring the levels of acidful flame potassium or ACE slash K in pools and hot tubs. Ace K is an artificial sweetener found in soup, Diet soda, candy, yogurt, and much more. It doesn't occur in nature, and 95% of it passes straight through the body unchanged, making it a good indicator of urine levels in water. Well, urine itself isn't harmful. It can react with chlorine, as we heard,

and create disinfection byproducts, which can be, you know, damaging. Researchers say they aren't trying to turn people off swimming. they just like to remind everyone to please not pee in the pool. Yeah, okay, gang. And here's the thing. Here's what I think goes on, okay? I think a lot of adults, okay, they probably believe that most adults don't pee in the pool.

You know, they're like, oh, we're grownups. We don't pee in the pool anymore. That's ridiculous. Right? And so what happens is they probably go, well, if no one else is peeing in the pool, then it won't really matter that much if I do it. No one will know.

It's just one person. It's just one. I mean, God, look at the size of this pool. It's nine feet deep. It's 40 feet long. I mean, it's going to dilute so much. No one will know. And so I think a lot of adults are having that same thing.

They're going, you know, everyone's too sophisticated. We're grown-ups. Nobody pees in the pool anymore. That's not what adults do. And so they're probably thinking they can get away with it because they're the only one. But guess what? I might have to have a talk with my friends about this.

Yeah. Because, you know, I'll be having some pool parties this summer and I don't want my buddies pissing in the pool. You kind of expect it from the day. dudes but I got to say what what freaks me out is if the girls are doing it you know you always think of girls as ladies and and mannerly and you know sweet and innocent to a degree and the idea of the girls letting it rip in the pool is just a little too primal for me maybe so yeah I might have to might have to put up some signage I might have to you know maybe

Maybe I'll have to come up with some kind of, like, chemical that if they pee in the pool, you can immediately see it. I think there is a chemical that does that. So there you go. Warning to all of you. Don't put the pool water in your mouth. Yuck! And use the toilet, your pegs. You was my brother, Charlie.

You should have looked out for me a little bit. you should have taken care of me just a little bit so I wouldn't have to take them die for the short end money I had some bets down for you you saw some money you don't understand I could have had class I could have been a contender I could have been somebody instead of a bum

which is what I am let's face it wait who is it Roger oh really a scientist is going to call in refute the whole, well, okay, you're not sure if refutes the right word, but the, so a specialist is going to call in and talk to us about the urine in the pool water thing.

Okay, well, I'm up for that. I mean, you know, it's probably something that everyone listening wants to hear about, so when are they calling in? Okay, so, okay, I'm sorry, folks. Roger's talking in my headphones here. Okay, so let's do another segment. We have time, right? Yes.

Okay, Roger just gave me the thumbs up. I want to talk about, so we're going to have someone phoning in from the scientific community, I guess, to talk about the pee-in-the-pool syndrome. But in the meantime, since we're talking about hot weather and the summer, oh, my God, I want to share with you something kind of new that I discovered with soft drinks. and it's just something I discovered recently because I was down in Florida and I was doing some brush clearing, okay? I was clearing like a really hugely, thickly, overgrown tropical lot. I don't know if you've been to Florida, but man, it grows like a jungle down there. I mean, it's always hot, so there's like palm trees and oak trees and cedar trees and vines and snakes and

Gator, I mean, it's, it's like crazy. So I was helping to clear a property. And, you know, it's something I like doing. I've told you guys before I used to kind of do the lumberjack thing. And I've always, I've always found it fun and kind of therapeutic to, like, cut and haul and clear. I like the concept of taking a completely overgrown piece of land and kind of shaping it and forming it and cutting it and manicuring it and watching it kind of

come to life. Now, don't get me wrong. I love trees and bushes and flora. I don't like just ripping plants down for the sake of ripping them down because I love plants too. I think they're beautiful organisms. But sometimes you're in a

place where, you know, there's just such an abundance of them. There's such an overgrowth that you don't really feel bad removing them. And sometimes you've got to remove them just to, you know, make a certain area more visually under control and manageable. So this was one of those instances. And so I was just going berserk.

You know how hot it is in Florida, man. It's not only hot, but the humidity's there. So within, you know, a minute and a half, your shirt is just dripping with perspiration. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes.

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I won't be, well, what can I cut now? What can I clear now? I'm like a little beaver. I want to chew through stuff. But, you know, when you get into it, when you're working so hard, you kind of sometimes forget to take a break or you don't realize how thirsty you are or whatever. But your body sure knows. Your body is, you know, your body can dehydrate quickly, especially in that type of

environment and so by the time you kind of take a break when you got to go you know refill the chainsaw with oil and gas and just kind of catch your breath you are just like you need a drink and and i know we're not supposed to drink tons of soda or pop as i like to call it but i love my coke man i mean there is nothing better when you are doing what i'm doing you know sweating buckets in the bush covered with bugs and tree bark and leaves and your skin is scraped from all the branches and your eyes have been poked and you're oh my god you're wearing gloves and you got to wear heavy clothing because you don't know what you're going to encounter and then you like get a big cold can of coke and pull it out of the ice chest and oh my god i don't know if

there's anything more heavenly. There better be a Coke machine in heaven, man, or I'm going to stay in purgatory. But anyway, so this is what I did. You know, I'd get so, like, so wiped out, so hot, so sticky, so completely drenched in sweat that I would kind of half hobble to the ice chest. You know, I'd be like, oh, my God, like, I'm just wiped.

And I reach in that ice chest, and it's almost like you're almost like half asleep. Your body is so like spent is the best word. You just spent. You've all had that feeling, right? And you're just like, it's almost like your eyes half close. You know, it's like you're, it's almost like your sleepwalking, man. And you're just kind of like your brain's going a little numb. And you're just, you just kind of hobble and wobble to the ice chest.

You're like, I need a drink. I need a day. You know, you can barely talk to anyone, and you just grab that Coke, and you open the little pop top, and you put it to your mouth, and you start guzzling. But here's what happened this time.

I was so, like, catatonic almost, that I just, you know, I felt a little bit, I was drinking so fast and so mightily that a little bit of the Coke, like, streamed out of the lip of the opening in the can and ran down into my beard. Like it kind of dribbled down,

like a small stream of valuable precious Coke. And I was like, whoa, wait a minute. That felt kind of good. And so then the next sip, I let it kind of drip out on purpose. So now it's like 50% of my Coke consumption was going down my throat, which felt amazing. And then the other 50% was going into my beard

and, you know, meandering through my beard and down my chin and down my neck and onto my shirt. And I got to tell you, it's a sensation that felt freaking amazing. You could, you know, Coke sizzles and sparkles and, you know, all the carbonation. Well, I got to tell you, feeling it going down my throat and feeling it meander and trickle through my beard and sizzle, you know, when you've got a beard, I guess you can kind of feel every little hair follicle as it, you know, protrudes from your skin. And so that this Coke was like kind of crackling through my beard.

This ice cold Coke was like streaming and kind of, it's like ever see those weird little things at the carnival? They're like these big, they look like picture frames and they're full of nails and you put a coin at the top and the coin like kind of bounces all the way down through the nails to the bottom. I think they have a game on the prices right where they do it too. They got a great big round disc and they drop and it kind of plinks downwards. Gravity pulls it down but it hits each nail.

It goes bunk, bunk, bunk, bunk, bunk, and it goes across and down and, you know, until finally it lands in a slot in the bottom and that's what this Coke feels like. It feels like it's like kind of bouncing down through the. the short hairs of my beard and just kind of crackling it and sizzling it and bringing it to life. Oh my God, I don't know. I don't know what I should call it.

I'm thinking of calling it like the Coke beard sizzle. Like a beard sizzle, man. You know? I feel like it needs a name. It needs to be a new thing. I'm going to call it a beard sizzle. Because that's what it feels like. Oh, my God.

Dude, I know it sounds sticky and messy and dirty, and I bet it works with a beer too, man. I'm just going to call it a generic, you know, beard sizzle. And I'm sure you can do with anything carbonated. You know, a carbonated water, beer, pop, Coke, Sprite, 7-Up. Dude, you got to try it. Try it when you're just drenched, just when you're just hot as a Friday, egg on the back of Rosie O'Donnell's forehead.

Just like purposely let that carbonated beverage dribble down your chair. I don't even know if you need a beard. I'm going to ask all of you to try it. You know, just, it seems wasteful. It seems like, you know, you're losing a lot. And you don't do it the whole time. Maybe you let, you know, two or three little gulps go down your chin. And as messy and sticky and kind of wrong as it seems, you know, we've been taught to drink politely.

And don't dribble and don't drool and don't talk with your mouths full. I'm telling you, abandon everything you know about manners. And it's a dual process. You've got to be drinking and drooling at the same time to do the beard sizzle. oh my god it's such a such a satisfying sensation i want to i want some of you to do it because i don't want to be the only one i don't i got to imagine this feels just as good to anyone else as it does to me so i'm urging i'm pleading with some of you guys to try it yeah you're like what you want us to do what you goofball please but you can't do it you know if you're just a little

bit hot. It's got to be born from, like, you've been going at it. And you are just, you've been cutting a lawn, or you've been playing baseball, or you've been canoeing, or you've been running, you've been chased by a pit bull, something.

It's got to be like excessive heat. And you just let it pour down your throat on the inside, but on the outside, your skin's feeling that, that pop, that ice cold pops, slide down your face.

Maybe that's, maybe that's part of it, man. It's like, it's like, you know, your ice cold beverages is working the inside of your mouth. And then there's that skin membrane in between the outside epidural layer. So it's like maybe, maybe, you know, the inside throat is sending like neurological signals to the outside epidermis.

And maybe it's causing some kind of like tingling, like cooling interaction. Maybe it's the brain going, oh, connect to the two cold liquids. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Maybe there's actually a science to the beard sizzle. Look at me. Look at me delving deeper into a stupid topic that I never should or nobody should. But I'm doing it. Screw it.

I want everyone to enjoy the beard sizzle. so this isn't a joke this is for real man guys please if you do it i need you to phone me i need to know i'm not alone on beard sizzle island i need to know that it felt as good for you as it did for me or am i just a complete raving moron i almost can't wait to do it again but i got to tell you coke you know coke has kind of like the strongest sizzle it's for some reason you know You know what they say. I don't know if it's true, but Coke can eat through pennies and nails and melt car batteries.

And if you threw one at the sun, the sun would go black, all that bullshit. So for whatever reason, the Coke just sizzles down your chin. So there you go. Try it out. Let me know. I need to hear from you.

You better foamy and let me know. 323-739, 4330. All right. let me know 323739 43330 or you can write me at harlough williams.com the phone number is also at harlewiams.com so let's let's figure this out together what oh oh good on the line excellent it sounds like we have our our urine expert shall i call him that roger uh on the phone so let's let's get to him and uh here we go let's put him What's his name, Roger? What? Hans Kuhlheim?

All right. German, I'm guessing, right? Hans Kuhlheim. Let's put them through, Rod. Let's have this talk. Uh, hello, are you there, sir? Hello, Mr. Williams. Yes, sir.

How are you? I'm doing very good. We get, as we say, in Germany. Uh, yes, you're German, sir? Yes, Mr. Williams. I come from Dusseldorf, Germany, and I have been a professor at Berkeley University for a very long time, seven and a half years in the health and human sciences. I'm very happy to ban the show today to discuss urine. I'm sorry, sir?

Urine, to discuss the urine. Urine, yes, sir. Yes, absolutely, Mr. Williams. I listened to the top half of your show. It took a lot of patience, I might add, to listen to. Your voice, you know, it grinds a little bit. It irritates. Excuse me, sir?

Well, I'm just, if I may proceed. Well, I'll tell you what. Germans have always been rather blunt. Well, you know, there's no time for, you know, pleasantries, Mr. Williams. I have things to do. I have a very busy curriculum, and I have many papers and classes to prepare for my students.

I'm sure that you understand, Mr. Williams. I guess so, sir, yes. Please go ahead. Well, the situation with the urine contamination, I like to call it, and I can't concede that the testing that has been done on the urine in the swimming pool water is in fact accurate. It's very precise science. I have tested it myself in our laboratories many times.

Okay, so you back up the findings. 100% Mr. Williams, but given the situation in America and perhaps around the world as well, the people do have a proclivity to want to spend many, many recreational hours in the swimming pool, relaxing, frolicking, playing around, bring beach ball. all these wonderful things that, you know, we'd like to do to relax. Yes, I mean, you know, most summer activities gravitate around the swimming pool if you can't get to a beach. I will not argue with you there, Mr. Williams. And so since we know from the research, from the findings that, in fact, people are urinating in the pools where we are swimming,

and they are being very discreet about it. They are doing, masking it. They are doing it very subtly. And, you know, as you mentioned in your very grinding long monologue about it, you know, you don't expect it to be coming from adults and people with mature brains. If you could just... Yes, sir, yes, I did say that. And so the solution to this, you know, combating, if you will, the urine, to prevent the urine infecting our systems, shocking our systems, contaminating our epidural, our skin, so on, is we have to take steps to acclimate to the urine.

We have to acclimate to it, and we have to put up a build-up a defense system, just like we would with many common diseases or parasitic threats to ourselves, the human organisms. Okay, yes, I mean, you know, you're kind of saying like if it's flu season, drink lots of orange juice, fluids, you know, that type of thing. Yeah, in a roundabout way, Mr. Williams, but we have to ask ourselves as scientists, and I know you are just a layman. You don't think deeply or you don't think academically the way myself or my colleagues would. Now, sir, it seems like you got a little bit... If I may continue, Mr. Williams. Yes, go ahead, sir. And so one of the ways that we can acclimate is we have to prepare our...

bodies and our immune systems to be familiar with the uins, to not be shocked or surprised when the human epidural comes into contact with urine, if it gets in your eyes, if it accidentally some leakage gets into your mouth, you ingest it orally, into the pores of your skin, even your earlobes, Mr. Williams. The urine is a liquid. it's acidic, and it can penetrate on many levels of the human epidermas. Well, that makes common sense, but you keep referring to acclimating. How does one, I don't know, acclimate to urine in the pool? I just don't see how one would do it.

Well, like any process, when you acclimate, you have to familiarize a surrounding with the imposing surrounding. As, for example, Mr. Williams, in order to familiarize the epidermis, the human epidural with urine, the epidermis must come into contact with the urine. You mean like when you get in the pool, your skin meets the urine?

No, I'm saying to be in order to be preventative about it, We must expose the human skin to urine before you get into the pool water. Well, okay, meaning... Meaning, have you ever been stung by a jellyfish, Mr. Williams? You know, actually, I was stung by a jellyfish once when I was a kid. And how did you treat that burning sensation on your epidermis, on your open skin? Well, I didn't do anything. I actually kind of just let it ride its course because I was a kid.

I didn't know any better. But if you had any knowledge in that head of yours... Now, there you go again. If I may, Mr. Williams. Yes, go ahead. If you had any knowledge in your head, you would know that urine actually counteracts the stinging sensation of a jellyfish sting. I have heard that, yes.

So, in order to acclimate the human body, to understand the sensation of urine, we must go into the swimming pool, the urine-infested swimming pool water with our skin familiar with the urine. Yes, you've been saying that, sir, but how? Well, have you ever known that when you get stung with the jellyfish, you are supposed to urinate on your skin? Yes, I have heard that. I think I said that. Well, then, have you ever let me take another step forward, Mr. Williams? Have you ever heard of the term the golden shower? Excuse me? The golden shower, Mr. Williams.

Golden shower meaning? Meaning, Mr. Williams, a simulated shower of a golden shower. urine. Okay, that's, that's a sex, that's like a kind of perverted, weird sex act thing, isn't it? Well, you know, you can call it that if you want Mr. Williams, but if you, you know, if you want to avoid getting urine poisoning in your local swimming pool, then maybe you want to jump in the shower with the family before you go to the public pool and, you know, have a golden shower time what what did you just suggest that families wait a minute did you just suggest yes mr williams did you just suggest sir that in order to prevent families from getting

urine on them and having an adverse reaction from said urine that they they counteract the effects of strangers urine by a family getting in a shower and urinating all over each other? Yes, Mr. Williams, a golden shower, a very effective method, and mostly the boys will be the best ones at this. You know, they can mostly cover the other people in the family. But, you know, if a girl, you know, not to get too graphic, Mr. Williams, but if a girl, you know, points and pulls their urinary tract in the right direction. She can get quite the arc. Quite the arc.

The arc of urine, Mr. Williams. I know what you mean. She... Don't underestimate women, Mr. Williams. Women can, if they apply themselves, if they focus, they can quite easily direct and control the stuff. control the stream of the urine and... Okay, good Lord.

I don't think my listening audience needs to picture a family in a shower where everyone's weeing all over each other. Well, Mr. Williams, do you want to get sick or do you want to have a fun day at the pool? Well, I want to have a fun day at the pool, but I think the day might be dampened a little bit, pardon the pun, knowing that my whole family is covered in urine. Well, do you want to get sick? Or do you want to, you know, have a healthy day swimming in the pool, Mr. Williams?

This is just... And if you don't want to go in the pool, you can always just, you know, you can relieve yourself, as we say, in the toilet bowl, and kneel down and just splash. You know, you kneel down and you splash. the urine water on your face the same way you would wash your face at night and you know with soap and water except now you are kneeling over the basin of the toilet and there's a nice warm frothy golden urine almost like movie theater topping for the popcorn oh my god and you just

splash it up on your face and if you have the wear it all to take your shirt off you can you or dab it with a sponge all over your body and then when you go to the local swimming pool or even at your own swimming pool you can how you say fight fire with fire mr williams no this is just disgusting i'm not i'm not going to allow my listeners to even entertain the concept of golden showering with their families rinsing splashing their bodies body's off with urine over the toilet. That's disgusting, sir. And speaking of friends coming over,

how do we prevent friends if I, let's say, have a barbecue? How do I do that? Mr. Rams, have you ever been to McDonald's? What? McDonald's restaurant, over a million billion served. Yes, who hasn't been to McDonald's? And the term the golden arches ring about. The golden art.

Yes, there's, there's. sign, the giant M, the Golden Arches. Imagine Mr. Rulams, if you would, please. All of your friends coming over to your house, you're entertaining them, you're hosting, your wonderful friends for an afternoon, a pool party, or barbecue. And imagine if they are greeted with you and perhaps someone else from your family or a loved one, or even a close friend, and as they come through the door, to your yard. One of you is standing on each side, and you are urinating up in the air, creating

golden arches. And as your guests walk underneath the golden arches, the urine comes down like a mister. Have you ever seen a mister outside of the cheesecake factory, Mr. Williams, on a hot day, the spray is coming down? Whoa, whoa, are you talking about a urine, mister? I sure am, mister. That is, dude, this is... If you could come, you know, please let's stay professional here and refer to me as professor. I am, you know, I am a professor, Kubelheim from Health and Human Sciences at Berkeley University.

And getting back to the urine golden arches, just spraying your guests as they come in through your doorway, drenching their bodies with golden urine. And just again, like a golden popcorn topping at the movie theater, Mr. Witt. Stop! Stop! None of this is happening, bro. Okay? We're not having golden showers with the kids. We're not splashing in the toilet. And we're not doing the McDonald's golden arches.

Over one billion people served, Mr. Williams. No! Not even one person is going to. get weed on if they come to my house. Well, then, you know, what can I say? I hope you get pink eye and there's some kind of Lyme disease infection in your urinary tract. Well, what's that supposed to mean? Well, you know, I'm a professor at Berkeley, human service sciences, and you don't want to listen to my resolution, my conclusions, my solutions, my solutions, more importantly.

Uh, and for that reason, sir, I suggest, uh, you know, you go order a pizza pie and, uh, shove it up your fat face. Fuck you. What? What that? Why is he mad at me, Roger? The guy just hung up. Shove a pizza what? That guy was insane.

A year. A, uh, a, oh my God. This guy was out of control. Hans Kubolheim is suggesting the anti-venom, the antidote, to preventing getting any type of urine sickness from a swimming pool filled with urine, is to dose oneself with their own urine over time so that the body is acclimated and used to, it and will therefore build up a resistance to urine.

I don't even, I forget it. I can't even believe I'm trying to explain the science of this. That guy is nuts, and to think that students at Berkeley are paying for a professor who's doing that kind of research. Good Lord, I'm stopping the show, and the show, and the show, Hans Kubalheim. the show now. Let's do some announcements. I'm out. I'm out. I feel sick. I'm never eating at McDonald's again. I'm never having golden topping on my popcorn at the theater again, thanks to Hans Kubelheim. Jeez. All right, well, happy 4th of July, everyone. It is tomorrow. July 4th. Happy 4th of July if you're American and even if you're not you know and you love America or you even

like America so you can celebrate it so happy fourth of July to everybody um what can I tell you that's exciting as you know I'm kind of taking July off so I don't really have any stand-up comedy shows same with August I usually take summers off man um so you know you can always catch me locally here and if you live in Hollywood. Hollywood, California, man. I'm always, you know, popping up at the local clubs doing shows. So working on new material, getting ready for the fall where I head back out into the world. Let's see, what do I got coming up in the fall? I'll give you a little teaser. In September, I got Portland, Oregon, I got Chicago. Oh my God, I got Irvine, California, Orange County.

I got Buffalo, New York coming up in November, San Jose, California, Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. I mean, that's just the beginning. Those are some hot, juicy shows, bros. So, you know, you can check my website, Harlan Williams.com. It's a little ways out, but if you want to get some pre-tickets or whatever. Don't be afraid to go to my website, harlom williams.com. You can look at the full stand-up comedy schedule. You can order your tickets, pre-order them at the website. I will keep you posted on my Carmel Corn the Pug special. We are currently in the editing

process now. I also want to thank all my fans who have been watching puppy dog pals. It's amazing. is just being, like, blasted with pictures of people's kids. It's so beautiful. It's like they're taking pictures of their children in front of the TV. And what's great about my characters, Bingo and Roli, the Pugs, they're the two animated pug characters and puppy dog pals. They've got, we designed them with huge eyes. So whenever people send me pictures of their kids watching Puppie Dog Pals,

Bingo and Roli, the Pugs are staring back at the kids. kids through the screen with their giant eyes and they're just the most adorable pictures. And some people have been sending me videos of their kids. Someone sent me a video of their son saying, thank you for puppy dog pals, Haran. He couldn't say my name. He said Haran, which was just like adorable, man. And I just see the joy and the happiness that the show is bringing to not only the kids,

but the families, the parents are really loving the show too, because it's not condescending. It's almost like watching a short little CGI movie. The stores are just stand on their own. They're fun and full of adventure. They're not preachy. They're not like trying to inject a little lesson and be too kidsy. And so adults are having a blast watching it.

And what also makes it great to watch is it is done so beautifully. I mean, it is like at the level of a pixel. movie pretty much. It's not 100% there, but it's not too far behind. I mean, if this animation isn't as close to Pixar as it gets, I don't know what it is.

So it is stunning to watch. So hopefully you guys can tune in. Definitely do it if you have kids between like the ages of two and 10 years old. They will love puppy dog pals. I went into a burger joint the other day.

and then a guy there with his family recognized me and he knew me from half baked this is what's so funny about the entertainment industry I can be doing a stoner movie one minute and then a kid show the next but that's entertainment you got to entertain everyone right and this father recognized me from half baked which is a movie about weed

and he was sitting there with his little boy and his little girl and I said oh how old is your little girl he said 10 years old and I said oh well do you know puppy dog pals and she just lit up she goes oh yeah I love that show and I said oh well that's my show I created it and her face just went numb like she just looked at me like what you created it and I went yeah and I do the voice of Bob the the the pug's owner and I went into his voice it's like hey puppy dog pals it's Bob how are you gang and she just about locked up like she had seen the Holy Messiah himself. I mean, she was just stunned and it made me so happy that she was just so invested in the show

that it just made her like stand still. And that showed me that she was just a deep fan of the show. And so it's really resonating with people and it's a good feeling and it's a good show. It's a good-hearted show, and I know most of my listeners here are not in the kids' Disney Jr. world, but, you know, for those of you that are, have children, please check it out. And even if you're not check it out, just out of curiosity. I'd love to hear what you think about it. What else can I tell you? I don't forget to check out our store at Harlowilliams.com. We have some fun merchandise for you. and don't forget to get our free app for the Harland Highway podcast.

That's right. It's free. Just go into your app store on your cell phone and type in the Harland Highway podcast. And boom, free. The latest 50 episodes free. And if you want the whole library of the Harland Highway, only $20. And we're almost at 1,000 episodes. We're like, this is number 883, man.

We are getting so close. so for 20 bucks you get a crap ton of stuff plus bonus material that I put out for premium members sometimes it's heavy sometimes it's light but you definitely get bonus material all through the year it just depends on how busy my life is if I'm writing scripts and I'm touring and I'm doing all it's tough for me to add bonus material on top of my my regular podcast which is free but when I do add bonus material it's usually really good and special and it's just for premium members

so I hope you join in and it also helps cover our nut over here at the show helps cover our expenses to a degree we don't like to grovel but we do appreciate any help we can get and lastly please tell your friends man tell your friends about the Harlem Highway there's too many people that don't you know i i talk to these other podcasters like joe rogan who

who has like i hear the guy has like a million point three listeners per episode and adam carola has like 500 000 and you know we we i would love to get up to those numbers i'm nowhere near that okay i'm going to be humble here and be honest i wish i was but the only what I'm going to get there is if people help spread the word. So, you know, if you see the show come out, share a link, send an email, send a tweet, send an Instagram,

whatever you can do to help. I realize that my show is a little more unorthodox than the average show, but you know, that's what I like to do, and that's probably why you're listening because it is a little different. And I want to keep doing that and keep it coming, but

we need to build our audience here, gang. need an army so we can take over the world no i'm just kidding but yeah anything you can do to help spread the word is greatly appreciated oh hell yeah um and that's it that is all we have time for today this show ran a little long but that professor was a little rambly he kind of went on a bit long but you know i guess that's due to his important research yeah right not So be careful by the pool, ladies, and gurgleblargens, and that's it for today. We're going to have barbecue Eddie coming up any day now as we get into the summer here.

So stand by for that. And until next time, everybody, you know how it goes. Stay urine free and chicken. Chalmy, baby. Well, Mr. Williams, do you want to get sick or do you want to have to have? Have a fun day at the pool. Fuck you.