The Harland Highway - 884 - Romance letter from SAMUEL E. QUOKE. Removing yourself from the INTERNET!

Episode Date: July 6, 2017

SAMUEL E. QUOKE reads one of his summer romance letters. Removing yourself from the INTERNET! Bad couples! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, I love you, won't you tell me your PIN number? No, you know, your name. I want your name. My name's Harlan Williams. What's yours? I'm the host of the Harlan Highway podcast. You're listening to it right, a tier right to now. And man, what a show today. Samuel E. Quowke will be here. Samuel E. Quowke at summertime and he's going to be reading one of his summer romance letters, which could be horrific or beautiful. I never know which way it's going to go. So stand by for that if you have a poet in your heart. Also, the Harland Highway question of the day, this is a big one, man. This is one that's so applicable to our times. It's actually pretty serious and intense, and it's something that, you know, you may or may not have thought of. It's something we may or may not want to do as the world gets a little

to tightly wound for most of us these days. Also, are you in a relationship? Do you have friends that are in relationships? Do you agree with their partner choices? I'm going to be talking about that. I mean, sometimes you see couples that just do not seem like they fit. And if you're like me, it can drive you nuts. So we'll talk about that.

North Korean news, all coming up here on the Harland. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this. Oh, yes, you did. Chick-chic-chac-cha, chik-a-ch-ch-ch-ach-chall-main, baby.

And the creature from all the space. Please don't stop. I got to feed an ugly face. Memphis performance. This is the Harland Highway. I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say?

We get down to business. We interrupt this. with an important North Korean news update. We're going to give it to be able to make sure how to learn to be able to make sure how to learn to show ushundred hushabye to other than dozen-bando-songwere to again give-again-doxed to this pan-cungaug-sacconer incidented we now return to our regularly scheduled program. We will keep you updated as events unfold.

Wow. wow that's some she that's we got to keep an eye on that that is scary stuff um how about this um roger can we do a question of the day here this is a major question of the day can we can we can we lay that down right out of the gate okay roger gave me the thumbs up let's do it this is a big one the harland highway question of the day oh yeah this one's intense let me just throw it right Yeah. How do you delete yourself from the internet? Oh, M.G. Double G. Oh, my God, God. Have you ever had one of those days where you're just like, oh man, I just feel like I'm part of the Matrix?

I feel like I'm part of this bigger thing that I can't get any privacy that somebody's watching me or looking at me or you know what I mean? You just, you just, you don't feel like a, a, a single entity. The way you did before the internet, now you feel like somehow you're wired into something. Somebody's got your information. Ugh. So here's the question of the day.

How to delete yourself from the internet? And I found a little story on this and I'll, I'll read some of it to you. Here it is. Data breaches, identity theft, bank fraud. Every week we read a fearsome new headline about cybercrime. Reputable services fall victim to anonymous hackers. Ransomware holds random computer users' files hostage. And what about those websites that track your every move targeting you with personalized advertisements?

Maybe you've considered the unthinkable. bum bum removing yourself from the internet yikes and you know i haven't read this article yet but right out of the gate i feel like it's almost can you even do it can you imagine not being able to remove yourself from something even if you wanted to uh let's read on well there's bad news and good news You can't erase yourself completely from the digital universe. What? Ew.

Courts and government agencies have been posting public records online since the mid-1990s. Your motor vehicle records, voter files, property tax assessments, professional licenses, and court files are all on the digital books, and they're not going anywhere. Yikes! I don't like that. That's the bad news. The good news is you can remove a lot of online information significantly reducing your digital footprint.

How do you do it? Well, here are several ways to effectively delete yourself from the Internet. Oh, God. Right away, it seems like a lot of work. You know, and I feel like the Internet is so all-consuming that you could spend like three weeks, like cleansing. And it doesn't take much for the Internet to go, you know, Hmm, a bunch of data's missing on this particular name.

Oh, there, let me just put it all back. Yes. You know what I mean? Like, you could think you've cleansed yourself from the internet, but how deep does it go? How far does it reach? How many layers are there? It's kind of creepy.

So the first one is delete your online accounts. You probably have more online accounts than you realize most of us do. Do we sign up for all sorts of services from Netflix and Amazon to Groupon and Twitter? Even if you haven't downloaded an app in years, Apple, Facebook, or Google still possesses a lot of private information, along with so many other virtual services. If you really want to terminate your internet presence, you want to eliminate these accounts, especially the ones you don't use anymore. It may sound like an uphill battle since each service has its own policies and de-is. activation process. I'll say, I mean, I have trouble getting off the mailing list for Omaha

Stakes. You know, I've got constant junk mail from erectile dysfunction companies that I've never heard of. And I tried to, you know, I tried to click the discontinue button, remove me from the mailing button and that's it's a nightmare i think what they do they have a gimmick it's when you when you when you dis when you remove yourself from one product they're like okay so you removed yourself from this but now we're going to send you this one it's just a never-ending merry-go-round of abuse um that says uh each place has its own de-a-acti deaq de-activation process. Man, I should deactivate my face. But the easiest method is account killer, a website that provides direct links to the most

popular accounts and instructions on how to wipe the slate clean. But yeah, if you go to account killer, then account killer probably has all your info. It's like, yeah, this is account killer. We're going to get rid of all your internet footprint. Just give us your address, your email, your bank account, your credit. Your credit. a card your social security number where you live who you've had sex with where you fart it i mean come on um maybe you just want to clean up your digital tracks does the idea of google knowing every search you ever did creep you out there's a way to erase everything you've ever searched on google if you're not careful you're probably exposing more of your life than you want to on

Facebook. Certainly you can delete your Facebook account, but if all you need is a Facebook break, there's an option to deactivate your account. Yeah, Facebook is creepy. I don't know about Facebook. I don't use it very much. So there's other steps here. I mean, it's a long story. You can shut down your email accounts, you know, but then what? I mean, everyone works on email now. You know, you can shut down your Yahoo account. You know, but if you do give up on the internet, this also means you're giving up on online banking, online shopping, online photo sharing,

online music, online. I mean, so much of our life is online now. And it's just getting deeper and more. So the question is how to delete yourself from the internet, I put the second question must be, do you really want to delete yourself from the internet? Can you delete yourself from the internet? Oh my God, there's so many questions.

What are the ramifications if you delete? Can you imagine if you deleted yourself and you didn't get any more emails or anything like that, people would just think you died. Because nobody would phone you. He's not answering his email. He must have got lost in the Bermuda Triangle. He must have died.

Oh, well, whatever. So there it is, man. Do you want to delete yourself from the Internet? Big question, the Harland Highway, question of the day. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes?

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Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Well, that was interesting. But let's move on. It was a little technical. It was a little, uh, let's, let's explore this next topic, which I think you'll find. Well, hold on. Hello? Hello?

Good afternoon, sir. Oh, what? What? Hello. Samuel E. Quowke. That is correct. Um, okay, but what are you doing here? Uh, I believe I'm here to read one of my romantic letters, sir. Well, nobody told me about it.

Roger, was this scheduled? Roger's shrugging his shoulders, qualk. Well, I'm here, and I intend to read one of my romantic letters, please. Well, I don't know that they're that romantic. That's the problem. For those of you that don't know who this is. it's Samuel E. Quowke, who claims to be an author, a poet, a lyricist, a man who writes romantic prose. And I got to say, Quowke, your letters or whatever you want to call them,

they tend to be a little unromantic, in my opinion. Do you mind, sir, if I get on with it? Well, but yes, I'm trying to say I don't really buy into your whole romantic umbrella thing here. I find your so-called love stories or love letters quite horrific. Do you mind I can't be responsible, sir, if you do not have a romantic bone in your weak little body, sir? Don't say I have a weak little body. Do you mind if I commence with my romantic summer letter, please? Oh, God.

Well, then just do it and get out of here because I had other stuff planned. Thank you very much, sir. Thank you. Go ahead. I am, sir. Well, read. Thank you. My dearest Belinda,

I shall never forget the hot summer day when the orange sun hung in the sky like a grapefruit, ripe and ready to pop. I remember as we made our way through the county fairground, such a childlike innocence in your eyes, your hair bouncing with every step,

your eyes sparkling with the youth and the innocence of being a child. again. Your smile lit up the whole fairground, your shoes shiny and silvery like the back of a cockroach's anus hairs. Go ahead, quark. Do you mind, sir. I shall never forget, Belinda. The way your smile lit up When you saw that hot air balloon, anchored at the edge of the fairgrounds, people standing around marveling at its magnificent as it hovered in the air like some kind of strange, mystical orb, filling the sky, blacking out the sun, and a sign by its side,

balloon rides of mere 50 pence per person. I'll never forget the excitement in your eyes. eyes as you squeezed my hand and almost pleaded with me to take you up in the hot air balloon so that we could float along the skyline and stared down at the world below as it drifted by on a hot, hazy summer. Obligingly, I was more than happy to take you up into the sky on that day. We stepped into the balloon basket and it teetered back and, forth until it finally gained altitude and we we floated into the clouds we we skit it along the

airwaves like a like a falcon gliding on a hot warm potato the can you get on with it it seems like it's going on a long time about the balloon do you mind sir well i'm just saying it we get it you went up in a Blune, Quak. Do you mind true prose and true literature, as I'm sure you're unaware of, takes quite a bit of building up and setting the table for the reader or the listener? Well, I think we've listened to enough. Now move on. Do you mind, sir? Go ahead. I'll never forget as we moved through the summer haze. The cries of excited children on the merrig around down below, and you stared over the side of the basket looking at them,

wondering if maybe one day you would have children of your own, Belinda. And just as we started to pick up a little speed, a hummingbird flew through the air in like a dart flying across a British pub. Somehow it managed to get lodged in your forehead, stinging you. beak pointed and sharp, stabbing you right in the center of your forehead. I'll remember how blood squirted out and you screamed and you stood up on the edge of the basket, trying to relieve yourself of the pain, flailing at the hummingbird in your forehead, still wings flapping and that incessant humming sound coming out of its swollen anus. And yes, Belinda,

as you climbed the basket you accidentally got too close to the flume where the hot blue gases became alighted and lifted the hot air balloon into the sky the rich deep blue flame tripled by orange and red crimson delight your hair getting too close to the heat and lighting on fire now you screaming and rollicking around in the basket of the hot hair balloon and your head on fire like a burning bush on the mountain where Moses saw the Holy Father. A hummingbird barbecuing in your forehead is the heat from your flaming hair. And of course you couldn't take the pain, the... All right, quoxy!

Here we go. Suddenly you're floating along, a nice hot summer day. And now there's a hummingbird in her forehead and her head's on fire. Do you mind, sir, if I finish my romantic letter? It's not romantic. What is romantic about a woman with a bird in her face and her hair on fire? Obviously, you have no clue about the world of romance, sir. Hurry up, you freak.

Up yours, sir. Hurry up! As you stood on the basket, your head bobbed. In the sky, all of a sudden you lost your balance, is it any wonder, your eyelids were on fire. You careened over the side of the hot air balloon, and in the process your foot got tangled in one of the anchor ropes, and you hurtled towards the ground in an impending doom, a splat onto the earth's surface. But suddenly, about two feet before hitting the ground, the anchor rope went taut, and you were spared, your life spared, your head still burning like a torch from one of the villagers who was

chasing Frankenstein through the night. And now you dragged along a foot off the ground, your head and body bumping into cars and knocking children off their feet like a virtual human wrecking ball, smashing people off their bikes, knocking in windows, smashing dogs, into the ditch. You just dragged along like a useless piece of carbide bacon cried hanging from a fluoride crumble block. What are you what are you even saying dude? You just made up a whole series of words that I don't even know what they mean. I don't see why you're laughing sir because it's pathetic. May I continue with my romantic musing sir. sir. Romantic musings my ass. This is horrible. Do you mind, sir. Go ahead. Suddenly your head bounced off a car and your

body flipped upright. The rope around your ankles suddenly leaping up around your throat and hanging you like a Dutch oil man who had just been convicted by Her Majesty's Court for shoplifting melons in a cucumber patch. Now, of course, your legs were running along, a foot off the ground, dangling your body. And of course, we came to a field full of cows being contained in grassy field by barbed wire. Your body hit the barbed wire, severed your torso in half. Now your legs on their own running around on the streets, two legs with no upper body, just two legs running and grasping and flailing

and the rest of your body laying on the ground mumbling blood bellies with porcified rindles. What are you saying? Do you mind, sir? Oh my God! Suddenly your legs ran into a soccer field where Armenian children were playing soccer and your legs ran down the field

and kicked a ball into the net. the Armenian boys running and throwing your legs up on their shoulders, cheering as you won them. The game with the final goal in the final seconds of the... Okay, get out! I'm not finished, sir. Her legs were cut off, yes. And she has no upper body, correct, sir. So it's just a pair of legs like when a chicken runs around with its head cut off.

That is correct, sir. So a pair of legs running around, they run into a soccer field. Is this right? That is correct. The Armenian boys soccer team. The Armenian boys soccer team. And just as fate would have it, these severed legs kick the winning goal into the net. The Armenians won the game, sir, yes.

Quak, get the hell out, if I may finish, sir. Suddenly a bulldozer came up from a construction. side and trampled your legs so pulpishly that they looked like rice pudding with a tapioca flint on them, the children screaming, their eyes popping out of their heads and rolling down the street into a catfish pond getting sucked by catfish whiskers. All right, get the hell out. You're not even making sense. I was finished, sir. You were finished, correct. Your love story finishes with little soccer boy's eyes rolling into a swamp and catfish whiskers eating them. Correct. Get the hell out. Up yours, stuff and fudge. Stuff and fudge. That's right. Up yours.

Get out. Oh, God. What an idiot. Why, George, I think he's got it. Oh, boy. Well, moving on. Speaking of love, you know, the Samuel E. Quoak thinks he's this so-called love master, but, you know, does anyone get love right? It's a tricky beast, and I think one of the most painful things to see, have you ever seen a mismatch that just tugs at your heartstrings? Like you see the most wonderful girl,

the most beautiful sweet girl or the nicest friendliest dude and their partner it could be a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a husband or a wife but regardless their partner is just a complete dip shit right like you know that they're just like a boer or they're sloppy or they're trashy or they're rude or they're ignorant or they're they're just stuck up or their their assholes or their cheaters or you know what i mean oh doesn't it drive you nuts you're in a social circle and and and there's someone in your group you just you're like oh she's i just really love that girl she's so sweet she's got such a kind heart she's so beautiful you know what i mean those people that they're just all around like good people and then all of a sudden somehow they have a boyfriend who's a complete fucknard and he's standing around making like like inappropriate jokes and he eats like a

slob and he's he's crude and he doesn't necessarily treat her any good and she's kind of shaking her head half the time and rolling her eyes and you're just like how does this happen or you see a really nice dude and the girl's just like a slob or a drunk or she's just taking advantage of him and he's just got such a kind heart oh god the reason i say it is you know is that a this time of year there's a lot of barbecues and pool parties as at a pool party recently and just saw a few of these scenarios playing out. And it's just like, how does it happen? How do these people come together?

I guess it must be sometimes that old adage opposites attract. You know what I mean? Maybe it's just a scenario where someone's so sweet and nice that they're drawn or they attract someone who's the complete opposite, a complete ass. And the worst part is you stand there and you don't want to be judgmental, but you're kind of thinking in your head what everyone else is thinking. Like, how did this guy get her? Or how does this guy deserve her?

Or how does this girl, I mean, how does this dude get stuck with this? You know, all these different questions in your head. And I have a feeling every one of you. listening knows somebody, right? There's probably someone in your social group, maybe someone in your family, and they're in this category. And it's so hard because, you know, sometimes you can even see it that the other person in the relationship, the second half, knows, right?

They know that their partner's a big, like, idiot. but they're too into it they can't they can't seem to find the strength to break away or get out of it or whatever and you just you just you know everything's just so wrong and you just want to grab them both or grab one of them and go get the hell out of here what are you doing this guy's an idiot look at you you're classy you're beautiful you're smart what are you doing with this guy with whipped cream all over his chin. And he's his shirt off. He looks like he's one of these guys that just got, you know,

he was about to get arrested on an episode of cops. He's smoking. He's like, you know, using foul language and everything. And it's just like, where's the class, baby? So I guess that's just part of life, isn't it? I mean, good Lord. but it doesn't make it any less painful to watch i got to tell you oh especially when it's someone you like when it's a friend and you just want to pull them to the side and you know you

can do so much better you know you can do way better like you could go out with someone who doesn't even speak your language and you'd be up a notch like seriously so i don't know um if you have any stories you want to share about people like that couple that are totally mismatched. Feel free to leave me a message. Love to hear about it. 323-739-43330. That's 3-2-3-739-43-30.

Leave me a massage. And if you don't want to leave me a massage, you can, about that, you can leave me a massage about anything else. The answering service is open to all comments. Oh, God. I've been talking too long, man. It must be, is it time down the show, Roger? I just had a big yawn.

Oh, my God. Excuse me, everybody. So rude. But, yeah, Roger just kind of gave me the rapid up signal. So, um, so yeah, write me or call me. You can write me at harloweems.com. You can call me at that number. The phone number is at the website, harlewiams.com.

If you need to reference it, uh, check out our story. store at harland williams.com all kinds of fun merchandise and uh also please check out our app for the harland highway it's in your app store on your phone just type it in it's absolutely free the 50 latest episodes are absolutely free and if you want the whole library almost a thousand episodes of the harland highway uh 20 bucks uh and that gets you a premium membership so you can listen to all of them and you get bonus material that I post from time to time as well. So there you go.

And, yeah, check out puppy dog pals, my Disney animated Disney show if you have kids. It's on Disney Jr. and Disney every Friday. And also check out our new rock and roll album, The Cousins, me and my cousin, Kevin Hearn, Rattlesnake Love by The Cousins. That's in iTunes. And you can either download the whole album or just a song or two.

hopefully you dig it man and that's all we got time for today be good to each other uh watch out for yourself on the internet and definitely be careful if you're near any hot air balloons that's it for me i hope you're having a great summer thanks for being here and until next time chicken chowmaine baby you just dragged along like a useless piece of carbide bacon cried hanging from a fluoride crumbull block.

What are you what are you even saying, dude? Thank you.