The Harland Highway - 889 - DR. DEBBIE THYMER, Life Coach. BBQ Eddie. CRAZY news story!

Episode Date: July 24, 2017

Life Coach Dr. Debbie Thymer takes phone calls. BBQ Eddy still looking for friends. A CRAZY news story in jail?? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Highway, highway, it's the Harland Highway, any time, any size, it's got radioactivize. Look out, here comes the Harland Highway, stolen theme song, I apologize. Hey, folks, welcome to the Harland Highway. I'm your host, Harland Williams. Crazy show today. Crazy news story, man. you'll never believe how some guy tried to get out of jail, tried to break free from the long arm of the law.

It's hilarious. Also, I'm just tired of all the new TV shows coming out. I feel like we're getting overwhelmed and swamped with millions and millions of TV shows about every topic that exists on planet Earth. So I'm going to rant about that. Also, Dr. Debbie Timer is here today. She's going to be taking calls.

As you know, she's a life coach who has her own show, the Dr. Debbie Timer Show, and she deals with people's problems and issues. So we'll have people calling in to talk with Dr. Debbie Timer. And then, of course, it's summertime. So Barbecue Eddie is on the line. He's looking for some barbecue action. So we'll be hearing from Barbecue Eddie throughout the show.

So it's going to be a good one. Put your face plate on. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come here, baby. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. No! I didn't bargain for this.

Oh, yes, you did. Chick-chic-chac-cha, chica-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chow-main, baby. I'm the creature from all the spayy. Please don't stop. I got to see that. Ugly sight. I've never sent before. This is the Harland Highway.

I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Okay. Do we all love TV? I think we do. I think we all love our TV.

But is it getting out of control? I mean, seriously. Is it just becoming there's a show about everything now? And I don't mean like reality TV. I don't mean like, you know, like I think I've bitched before about, you know, swamp people. And I kind of bitched to complain that, you know, every walk of life has a TV show now. That was like a few years ago. But now I'm talking scripted television.

It's like I live in Los Angeles and I drive down Sunset Boulevard, the Sunset Strip. And believe me, there's a billboard every five feet. And there's office buildings. And there are, they have post billboards up of all these new shows. They've got the sides of office buildings with giant murals. And it's just like. any freaking topic now is a is an intense you know cleverly written superbly directed edgy show I mean I saw billboard for something he used to be William Shakespeare but now he's just

will so so they've somehow they're trying to make William Shakespeare a thing but you know He used to be, they called him William Shakespeare, but now they call him Will. I'm like, oh boy, wow. Okay, so you shortened his name. You gave him a nickname. Gee. They used to call him Jonathan. Now they call him John.

They used to call her Abigail. Now they call her Gabby. I mean, what? this is your hook for a TV show and I'm sorry man I don't want to come rushing home after a hard day's work and go oh my god I can't wait to watch the next enticing thrilling episode of William Shakespeare I mean wasn't it the guy we all freaking hated going through high school didn't we all deplore william Shakespeare if we had to read one more Macbeth or the 12th night all the world is a stage and all the men and women are merely players they make their

entrances and their exits and by the way did will write this will yes yes william shakespeare yes will well i just call him will yes well you can call him william shakespeare if you want but i'll just call him will did he write this i mean you know it it's like i saw a poster jessica Beal. Liar! That's the name of the show. Liar! And then there's a show about a guy who's a sniper, and there's a show about a guy who found a pickle under his bed, and there's a guy who's got a mole on his cheek, and there's a mole cheek. Coming this fall to Netflix, what do you do, and there's a pickle under your bed? You're going to find out when you watch pickle under the bed. I mean, I'm telling you, man. Here's what

happened, okay? It's like, Breaking Bad came out and everyone was like, oh my God, this is like such an amazing show, the way it's written, the high drama, the, you know, and then like Walking Dead came out and they kind of turned the whole zombie world into like a soap opera and then House of Cards and Orange is the New Black. So you can see the trend. It's like, you can see the trend. It's like, taking these kind of obscure worlds, but really like, you know, putting talented, dramatic writers

and showrunners and people like that, and making them intense and into these, these hard-hitting series. But the problem is, man, it's like anything else. If you have too much of something, you're like, enough. And so now they're all falling in line. They're all copying. Now there's a poster out for the girls of 1973 wrestling. A big poster from the creator of one of the other shows. House of Cards or something.

No, orange is the new black. Now it's the glam girls of wrestling in 1974. Ooh. And my buddy, Jim Carrey, who I love and adore, He just put out this show. I think it's called Stand and Deliver or something like this. And this is supposed to be one of these hard-hitting dramatic shows about the, you know, the inside of the comedy circuit in the 80s

and the 70s and the 80s in Los Angeles. And I watched like, sorry, Jim, I love you, buddy, but I watched 10 minutes of this thing and I wanted to commit suicide. It was like, where was the funny? It was so overly dramatic and, you know, soap opera-e. And that's the problem, man. That's all a lot of these people are doing.

It's like, okay, let's take a little lost bear cobb and a guy from the village in New York who's got AIDS and we'll call it Little Brown AIDS Cobb. And it'll be about how this little brown bear got lost in New York somehow found a guy with AIDS and helped the guy through his aides with his cuteness and all you got to do is write it really dramatic and intense

and you know everybody's crying and it's like listen little brown guy I don't think I have enough pills this month to to get through what I'm dealing with but at least I can look in your eyes and know that there's a whole world of of hope out there little guy

I don't know why you crawled into my life you little brown ball of bullshit but if it wasn't for you I'd have been dead from AIDS five months ago and I'm not making fun of AIDS I'm just I'm just putting the spotlight on how they're just finding anything man

so it's starting I think it's going to have a negative effect. You know, I think it's starting to turn people off because it's just too much. Like, let's get back to doing shows about funny or silly or, but it's just getting too heavy, man. That's my opinion and I stand by it. But, you know, what do I know? I mean, for God's sakes, you know, what does my opinion matter when Barbecue Eddie can't

even get a barbecue going? He wants to party But they just hang up Hello Hey, how's it going? Want to write with this? It's Eddie calling? Sorry, who?

Eddie? Okay, can I help you? Oh, yeah, I'm going to see if you guys wanted to do a barbecue today, or... No, I think you had the wrong number. I'm going to see if you want to do a barbecue. I wanted to Texas rub some pork chops or some... No, no, no. No, I think you got the wrong number.

I got some Heinekins if you want to power back some Heinekins. Okay, yeah, sorry, wrong number, bye-bye. Could power back, uh, some corn on the cards and... What the hell? What the hell? What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up. The Harland Highway

Crazy news story That's weird That's strange stuff All right Here it is Let's do a crazy news story man I love this one man Listen to this

Man under arrest Hands cop Get out of jail free Monopoly card I love that man This suspect had a directly to jail to jail without ever pass and go or collecting $200. Dakota County Sheriff's Office in Minnesota said that a man who was wanted on an

outstanding warrant tried to avoid arrest using a get-out-of-jail-free monopoly card. You've got to give the guy points for creativity, man. I mean, you know, that's kind of funny. Here's the story. According to authorities, officers pulled over a car registered to someone, wanted on a warrant and saw that the passenger was not wearing a seatbelt. Jeopardy ran the passenger's ID and learned that he was wanted on a controlled substance warrant. When they searched his person, officers found the ace up his sleeve, the monopoly card.

The resourceful suspect told officers that he kept the board game card handy just in case. Well, I guess this guy thought maybe this thing was for real. Unfortunately, for him, police did not accept his monopoly card and took him to an actual jail. His bail was set at $5,000 in real money, not monopoly cash. Despite, the deputy shared the story on Facebook and said they gave the man an A for effort. well you got to give the guy an A for effort I mean that is hilarious I mean a get out of free jail card

is kind of fun I mean there are a bunch of other you know cards in the monopoly game that I wonder if you could use them in real life you know I mean imagine imagine the one you remember this one walk up to a woman and see how fast you get punched in the face you've won $10 in a beauty contest.

How about that one? You walk up to a woman and hand that to her. My God, you would be slapped so quickly. Are you kidding? What else is there here? Let's take a look. I'm online here looking at these cards. Let's see how they apply to real life.

How about that? Let's see. here. What do we got? From sale of stock, this is community chest, you give $45. All right, I don't know what stock you're buying, maybe Kmart. How about this one? I actually wish this one was real. Community Chess Pay Hospital $100. Where are those days gone? Holy God. How about nowadays you go to a hospital, you know, pay hospital $25,000. Here's another one. Income tax refund, collect $20.

Not really a life changer. Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. Ooh. You are assessed for street repairs. $40 per house, $15 per hotel. Well, I guess you're in a neighborhood where there's a lot of motel sixes. How about that?

What else do we have here? You have won second prize in a beauty. There it is. Not first prize. You have won second prize in a beauty contest. Collect $10. Well, that'll get you punched in the face real quick. Bank pays you dividend of $50.

Ooh, I mean, $50 is like the service charge they pay you nowadays. uh let's see advanced token to boardwalk we all remember that one right that could be the kiss of death if somebody somebody had a bunch of hotels on boardwalk and all of a sudden it tells you to go to boardwalk you're done man you're done skis

take a ride on the reading railroad if you pass go collect two hundred dollars wouldn't it be nice if we had to pass go where is go does anyone know where go is wouldn't it be nice if if every day we passed go and someone handed us $200 when that maybe that should be a government incentive for people just to get things done it's like you had to go to work you had to go do some community service you had to go do some environmental help but on on your way when you pass Go, there was a government representative there that just put $200 in your hand.

And you're like, all right, you know, I helped out in the world. I'm getting compensated. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. don't throw your back out. I don't know. Maybe there should be a real-life go. But in the meantime, just be aware that, you know, if you get arrested,

the monopoly get out of jail card does not get you off the hook. Didn't O.J have one of those? I think O.J. was the only guy who got away with using one of those. Yeah, pretty sure, O.J. This is Eddie. He wants to play. party, but they just hang up. Hello?

Hey, how's it going, man? What? Uh, it's Eddie calling. What? Uh, it's Eddie calling. I was going to see if you wanted to slap a barbecue together today, or... Who you looking for? Uh, no, this is Eddie calling.

I was going to see if you wanted to get a barbecue. Get a barbecue going today, or... Yeah, who are you looking for? It's Eddie from the barbecue club. I didn't ask who it was. I said, who are you looking for? I know your name is Eddie. Who do you want?

Well, I just got all the numbers on the barbecue club, and I've seen if anyone wanted to, you know, power glaze some shrimps today or, you know, throw down some Texas rub pork chocolate. Where did you get this number? From the barbecue club? Barbecue Club, where? In the Valley,

or down at Olive and Victory Boulevard. Olive and Victory, what city are you talking about? Down here in Burbank, California. What? Man, you're speaking to a Canadian right now, nowhere near there. I have nothing to do with any barbecue club,

so I really don't know what the hell you're talking about. Well, your numbers are the... uh, on the, on the list here, uh, um, do you, do you feel like, I mean, would you travel at all or? No. Could power glave some, uh, Calgary Angus or something, or?

Tell me, why would I travel from Canada to another country to barbecue? well just to be part of the club i guess uh people come from this is this is funny right now like are you like playing jokes on me or something what is this no this the barbecue club we have members from all over the all over the globe and uh we come together we meet in different cities and everyone brings their different recipes uh last week we had a texas web salmon what's the true name prove it i want to i want to look this up Yeah, Eddie Johnson from the Burbank Barbecue Club Okay, I'll have to take a look at that

What's the mouth for? But just so you do know, I have nothing to do with a barbecue club I live nowhere near you And I don't have any interest in any of this Sorry to tell you Okay, well Maybe next year or something I don't know, I guess we'll see

I could power rub some You know, some Texas Texas Ville or something If you're It's all good man Enjoy your day Okay well

Sorry to bother you Thank you Don't worry Take it easy Okay bye That was Eddie He wants to party But they just hang up

Oh man It sounded like Eddie I don't know I couldn't tell if he was close Or he sounded a bit despondent at the end. Oh, poor guy. Well, hopefully he finds a barbecue that someone will attend with him.

He just, he always seems right on the edge, right on the edge. Life isn't easy for barbecue, Eddie. In fact, life isn't easy for any of us. And that's why today we have our life coach on the show. She drops in from time to time and, you know, gives advice, helps people with their issue. They call in and talk to Dr. Debbie Timer. So without further ado,

let's, Raj, throw it over to our life coach, Dr. Debbie Timer. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timer, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life. your life Okay, hi everybody So glad you can be with us My name is Dr. Debbie Thimer

And I am your life coach I will be here today Taking your phone calls And you know, trying to Touch on what What your problems are, what your issues are Things that might cause discomfort or make you upset or feel uncomfortable.

I am a specialist in the field and I will be here to guide you and perhaps give you some advice and encouragement to make you feel better. So why don't we start the phone calls with a call coming in from Salt Lake City, Utah, and it looks like we have a young woman named Sarah. Sarah, go ahead. You're on the air with Dr. Debbie Thimer. Oh, hi, Dr. Debbie. Hello.

How are you today, child? I'm good, Dr. Debbie. I'm so happy to be talking to you on the Telephoneonio. I'm sorry? On the Telephoneonio? What is that, child? That's just the name around my house we call the telephone. We say telephonio.

Okay. Well, for today, why don't we just use the regular word and call it a telephone? Um, okay, I'd rather call it a telephonio. Okay, well, if that makes you more comfortable, then go ahead and call it a telephoneionio. Telephone audio, Dr. Diffie Tiber? Yes, child. Now, what was your issue today? Well, Dr. Dibby, I've been having anxiety attacks.

He, he... Okay, uh, that's not an uncommon thing in today's fast-paced world. Many people feel anxiety and get worked up over their job and their home life and their relationships. I know, but I get looked up over the silliest things, Dr. Debbie Tyler, and I get all pressed up, and my ankles swell up, and my cheeks get allergic, and I get a rash, and I get, I just, I feel so constricted. Well, that's okay, child, and how do these anxiety attacks begin to happen? Well, usually one of the round large crowds of people Or I have trigger words that people use

And I just, I start having these panic attacks I have trouble breathing and Yes, child And I started making chipmunk noises I'm sorry But I get nervous and I start getting panic attacks I start making chipmunk noises Oh my goodness

And you said you had trigger words child yes like if someone calls me a fucknard I'm sorry like if someone's being mean to me and says oh there's a fucknard

then I'll start making chipmunk noises did you say fucknard I did you I need need need I'm sorry child what is that you just you just called me a fucknard

doctor dead Well, I didn't call you a fucknard, child. I was merely quoting that you said you had panics attacks if somebody referred to you as a fucknard. Okay, let's stop the chipmunk noises. But you called me a fucknard, Dr. Dr. Farmer? I didn't call you a fucknard. I was quoting you. You said that's what gave you the paink.

panic attacks. What did? If I said fucknard. Okay, let's knock off the fucking chipmunk sounds. Knock off the goddamn fucking retarded chipmunk sounds, child. Oh, Dr. Gary, you were swearing at me and whatnot over the telephonio. I, I wasn't, I, I, I, I, Dr. Debbie, are you losing your voice? No, child, I'm just, you've made me a little upset, your noises, and your, just everything you're throwing at me is a little overwhelming.

But I'm the one that's all right, Dr. Debbie Dahmer, I have panic attacks. I understand, child, but they're a little over the top and a little outrageous. Are you saying you can't help me with my panic attacks over the telephonio? Child, if you could stop saying telephonio, okay? It makes you sound like a fucking fucknard. Knock off the goddamn chipmunk noises, you bumbling fucking fucknard. noises, Dr. Debbie Thimer? Knock it off.

Right now, stop it. I'm sorry, Dr. Debbie, he launched me into full chipmunk panic mode. Okay, is there something else we can deal with because I'm not going to sit on the phone? The telephononio?

On the goddamn phone and deal with a child who makes chipmunk noises. Well, I'm sorry, Dr. Debbie. Is there any other part of your anxiety attacks that I can deal with here? Because this is just not in my wheelhouse. Well, sometimes if my panic attacks escalate to an even higher level, Dr. Debbie Fimer,

I start speaking in tongues is what I've been told. I'm sorry, speaking in tongues? You know, like the Beazab or Son of Satan or Lucifer? Are you telling me that if you have a panic attack, child, you'll start breaking into tongues of the satanic kind? Yes, Dr. Debbie, but only if it really gets bad. Once I've exhausted all my chipmunk noises after someone's called me a fucknard. Well, no one's going to call you a fucknard. I'm sorry, Dr. Debbie?

I said fucknard. What the hell are you doing, child? I'm talking in tongues, Dr. Debbie. Fucking knock it off, you stupid, fucking freak, fucknard, ass muncher. Knock it off, you stupid, fucking freak, fucknard, ass muncher. Knock it off, you stupid. stupid fucking idiot stop the laughing stop the chickmunk and stop the god damn giggling hang up on this fucking moron oh my god

oh my god go to a commercial unbelievable fucknard Whoa, that didn't go very well. Is she okay, Raj? Yeesh. That was a little scary. I mean, the chipmunk noises were scary on their own, but throw in someone speaking in tongues? Dullo.

Ye, what kind of an off day here? Should we check in on Barbecue Eddie once more and just see if maybe he got lucky. Yeah, okay, here we go. Barbecue, Eddie. Let's see if he found a barbecue. This is Eddie. He wants to party, but they just hang up.

Hello? Oh, hey, how's it going, man? Good. Uh, it's Eddie calling. Who? Uh, Eddie? Yeah, wrong number, buddy. He's calling to see if you want to do a barbecue.

Q today or? Ah, you're a wrong number, buddy. Could, uh, do some Texas rub ribs and some, uh, shrimp kebobbs and stuff? What, what the, what the hell? What the hell? That was Eddie. He wants to party. But they just hang up.

Okay, well, I guess not. Uh, should we wrap the show up, Roger? Is, is Dr. Debbie coming back or no? She said she wanted to go She's back Okay, put her through real quick Oh my god, Oh my god,

Get her the hell off I'm gonna suck your soul I'm in every time I'm the fuck I'm this kind of be else about Hang up on this freak of nature. Oh my god! Oh my God!

Oh my Christ! Fucknard! Stupid fucknard! Hello? Is she there, Roger? What do you mean she left her studio? Good Lord, this thing's just going off the rails. So there's no, no, there's no one in her studio.

Her show's still live, but she's not taking any calls. I guess I don't blame her after that. What'd she call it a fucknard? Aye, aye, aye. I. Well, you can disconnect the line. We don't have to keep listening to her theme music. Yeah. Well, we got to end the show, man. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, boy, oh, boy. Yeesh. Anyhow, folks, that brings to the end of the show. Very bizarre. Debbie Timer just walked out of her own show.

And I don't blame her one bit. Yow, yabble down. Let's get some announcements going here. Well, we have a moment, shall we? Just a reminder that I have posted my fall stand-up comedy tour schedule. It's at my website, harlornwilliams.com. You can go on there and see if I'm coming to your town or city. I'm going to be in Edmonton, Alberta. I'm going to be in Buffalo, New York.

I'm going to be in San Jose, California, I'm going to be in Irvine, I'm going to be in Portland, Oregon, I'm going to be in Schaumburg, Chicago. I'm going to be all over the place, man. So make sure you jump on there and get your tickets at Harlowelliams.com. First set of shows are coming up in September, late September. We got, I guess the first show is helium in Portland, Oregon. That's September 21st. to the 24th, and then the next week we have Chicago,

September 28th to October 1st, and so on and so forth. So please check it all out, baby. Also get our free app at your app store on your phone. Just type in the Harland Highway podcast. Boom. You get it free, baby. You get it free. And the app gets you the 50 latest

and most current episodes of the Harland Highway podcast, no charge whatsoever. You can listen on your phone wherever you may be. And then if you want to get every episode we've ever done, just become a premium member for $20 a year, $20 a year. And it also gets you extra bonus features. Like recently I just posted the new titles for the show. So the premium members got to hear the titles before any of you all. But speaking of the titles, you are going to be able to hear them very, very soon, like, let's say, Monday.

Yeah, just like two more podcasts from now, you will get to hear the new titles. But if you were a premium member, you would have heard them like two weeks ago. so just little bonus things like that you get because i like to i like to pamper my premium members so 20 bucks a year no biggie and you get all the episodes and the bonus material also don't forget we have a web store at harlowe williams dot com you can buy your fun merchandise t-shirts digital downloads DVDs CDs movies comedy specials books It's all there. It's all there, friends. We'll ship it out to you.

And what else can I tell you? Don't forget to keep watching Puppie Dog Pals, my Disney cartoon on Friday mornings on Disney Jr. Don't forget to check out my rock and roll album with my cousin Kevin from the Bare Naked Ladies. It's called Rattlesnake Love and the band is The Cousins. And you can download the whole album or just a couple of songs. on iTunes.

I hope you like our music. I hope you dig our sounds, man. And that's it, baby. Thank you for being here. Please spread the word amongst your friends. Tell them about the Harlan Highway so they can jump on board and, you know, we want everyone to have a little fun.

So there you go. That's it for today. Thank you for being here. And until next time, everybody, Chicken Chalmayne Baby The Telefonionio!