The Harland Highway - 890 -CARL FLAVORS returns. Pavement Pounder challenge. Harland gets pissed off!

Episode Date: July 27, 2017

CARL FLAVORS returns with activities from the BEACH. Pavement Pounder challenge. Harland gets pissed off at NOISE! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the Harland Highway. Yeah, baby, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How are you, everybody? Welcome. A little rock and roll vibe there at the beginning. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. I am he, Harland Williams. My name's in the title, bro.

Great show today, man. Holy smokes. I'm going to be doing one of my I'm pissed off rants because I'm pissed off something that almost caused me physical harm. And wait to you hear what it is. It's just like a really weird, but it almost caused yours truly some physical harm. So I'm really pissed off. You're going to hear me rant about it.

Also, this is almost unbelievable. One of the pavement pounders called in and challenged me. Oh, yeah, challenged me directly. And I took up the challenge. You're going to hear it on today's podcast. It's going to get brutal. It's going to get lethal. I couldn't believe this person did this.

so get ready for that and then of course a few weeks ago we heard from a beach bum guy named Carl Flavors he lives down on Manhattan Beach he has the most laid back summary lifestyle existence in the world and he called in and he was just like fascinating the way he lives the way he thinks so we're going to call him again today see what he's up to down on the beach and just kind of catch his summer vibe so let's do it man this is the harle Highway Sit down strap in

and tighten your diaper Come here, baby You're about to go down the Harland Highway No I didn't bargain for this Oh yes you Chick-chika-cha

Chick-chic-a-ch-choo-main baby And the creature From all the space Please don't stop I got to need an ugly face magnificent performance. This is the Harland Highway.

I hate you. Well, that's the way it goes. What do you say? We get down to business. Hello? Hello. What's gone on? Well, I'm all right, buddy.

I'm going to give you a little dose of your own medicine. You're going to have this in your head all day long, buddy. You ready? Here we go. Life is just a fantasy. A new little fantasy. Oh, no. Life is just a fun to see.

Got it. Life is just a fun to see. And life is just a bunch of feet See, tonight You got it? Got it? Is it there? Because they're all to anybody.

Wow. Okay. Very well played, my friend. It's just a fantasy. It's just a fantasy. Well, in case you didn't know what that phone call was all about, one of the pavement pounders, used my own bid against me.

Now, if you're a faithful follower of the Harland Highway, you know that every now and then I brainwash you. Yeah, that's right, I brainwash you. I'll put a song on the show that I guarantee will stick in your head, and later that day or that week, you'll just start singing it, right? It'll be in your head, and you'll just, it'll be in there, and you'll be like, life is just a fantasy, can you, you know? It's not the fantasy

Can't you see What this crazy life is doing to me Yeah Like it's just about to see Can you let this far to survive Uh huh Well, I'll tell you what I'll tell you what the fantasy is

This pavement pounder God bless him Thought that he could out maneuver the master and brainwash the master of brainwashing but it ain't going to happen pal

it ain't going to happen and let me just give you a little sample of why it ain't going to happen oh whoops oh whoops a daisy oh my good what was that? Oh my

whoops of Daisy but did you hear hear that? Oh, I wonder what that was. Hmm. Let's see. We have the brainwashing technique of the pavement pounder with clearly the misstep of an amateur brainwasheder, as compared to the professional musical brainwasher, me, would you like to like another little sample? Would you just just another little taste of what you're going to be humming over life is just a fantasy? Okay, here we go.

Uh-uh, uh-oh, uh-oh. Yeah, you see where this is going? You might, possibly, maybe, air quotes saying, Life is just a fantasy You might But I guarantee And this is something the amateur Cannot guarantee

I guarantee You will be singing Ditt Ditt Dittoo da Give me some bass Rock Not some measly little

Life is just a fantasy Can you irrefitted to life? You messed with the wrong guy, bro, so, okay? Like, you're like Luke Skywalker and I'm like Yoda. Yoda. So, your fantasy may have been to call in and, you know, beat the master at his own game, but sorry, bro. You've just been.

Did, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Yeah, that's right. I'm winning this round, bro. You try. I give you props for trying. As far as life being a fantasy, bro, you're living in a fantasy thinking you can beat me. So I rest my case. I hope the rest of you enjoy singing out loud at some point in the next day or two.

Mmm, too easy it is. No one can beat the master. Hmm, the master's song brain washer. That was like taking candy from a baby it was. Hmm, do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do the master wins again. Don't piss me up. is Harland Williams. You're really pissing me off.

Oh, you're starting to piss me off, you little pigly son, bitch. You pissed me off. Shut up. You're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck. These fucking assholes, the fuck is their problem, man. Oh, yeah. Here we go. Guess what I'm pissed off about now, okay?

It involves something, it's a little bit, I'm a little bit mixed on it because it involves motorcycles, and I have a motorcycle. So I love motorcycles. I love riding them. I love the sound of them. I love everything about motorcycles. But there's these guys out there that by the Asian, Motorcycles, I think that the Japanese bikes, the Yamahs and the Suzuki's or whatever they are, could be the Italian Dukadis, I don't know.

But what they do is they tweak the mufflers, okay? They tweak the exhaust system, and in doing so, it creates this really hype. It's like, rea-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re. And some of these guys on these bikes, when they're driving or riding, they feel inclined to rev the engine, rev the gas, and make the bike scream. You know, really loud. And there's something enchanting about it. There's the yin and the yang here.

There's the enchanting side where it, you know, it's very Americana, even though it's from a Japanese bike. There's something about the scream of a motorcycle in the night. You know, you're kicking back in a lawn chair with your sweetheart, drinking a lemonade, looking at the stars and in the distance in the city. You hear, right? like kind of romantic but where it pisses me off is the other night i just walked out of a comedy club and i'm standing on the sidewalk with a fellow comedian and canadian russell peters

funny funny fella and we're just standing there talking he's showing me his hot new ride he bought a he bought a jeep totally decked out gorgeous gorgeous jeep i'm He's got a park right in front of the comedy club on the sunset strip. And we're just chewing the fat. We're talking about girls and cars and the industry and money and life and, you know, everything. And all of a sudden, this group of dudes comes rolling by on their, what's the term known as a rice rocket. Yeah, I think that that term kind of came out in like the 80s When all the big Japanese bikes were getting going, maybe the 70s

And by today's standard, it might be even considered races, but they're called rice rockets Because they were the Japanese imports that came over from the Orient And thus the association with rice And so these guys come whaling by and all of a sudden one of the guys just just re ree wee wee wee

he just cranks his engine I mean it was like it was like a like a cat having a you know if a Paul if a Paul Bunyan statue came alive and stomped on his tail

that's what it would sound like and it it was like you know he was the road we were on the sidewalks it was like you know seven feet and i'm telling you man it just about blew our ear drums out it was so high pitch so loud so much vibration i i could hear the i could feel all the uh all the pieces of my ear drum like rattling my sternum my my uh my ball and hammer my

coxiel all the little tiny bones it you you know, the tiniest bones in the human body are in the ear. And so these were just rattling around like bones in a coffin during an earthquake. And I was like, whoa, did you, is your ear hurting? And Russell, you know, he was trying to be. He's like, yeah, you know, yeah, okay, it was loud, yeah. And I was like, no, dude, like my ear is ringing. And then, of course, he fired off a few jokes about my big ears,

which I thoroughly enjoyed because, you know, I've been joking about my big ears for years. I was kind of flattered that he noticed. But then after many, he goes, yeah, you know, I can still kind of feel it in there. And I'm like, right? And I hate saying that. I didn't say that, but I hate when people go,

right, oh, right. So anyways, I get it. I get why you do it. It probably gives you a sense of power. right everyone turns to look at you you you pull the focus you get the attention i don't know if your if your aim is to startle people or scare them or put a jump in their step or whatever it is but don't forget you're wearing a motorcycle helmet that's like five feet of foam over your ears i mean you couldn't hear uh you know you couldn't hear the titanic if it ran through your living

room. But us other humans that are helmetless and just standing in the street, dude, like I seriously, when I was driving home, could still feel it. And I thought, man, I'd like to find this guy and sue him for like physical damage. Like, I'm thinking of myself, you could probably find that guy and sue him for damaging your ears. I was actually worried I was going to wake up and have my hearing impaired. Luckily, everything kind of like, leveled out, but I'm not kidding for about an hour and a half after, my ear was actually in pain. It was a, you know, a low numb pain, but it wasn't there before. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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And it was just really loud, man. So whatever you're trying to advertise, whatever you're trying to do, however macho you're trying to be with your screaming motorcycle, bro, chill out a bit, man. Especially when you're right in front of people, because it is painful. And it pissed me off, okay? It pissed me the hell off.

And so I want to thank you for allowing me to, rant. Thank you. Oh, God, that noise. Okay, right. Have you dialed them up? Okay, cool. Okay, so a couple of podcasts ago, because it's summer, we decided to check in with this surfer dude,

Carl Flavors, who literally is just kind of like an adult male beach bum. He lives down in Venice Beach, California. I don't even know if he has a fixed address, but this guy kind of lives on the beach with his surfboard. And he just kind of epitomizes summer and the summer vibe and beach bumming it and riding the waves and, you know, meeting, having summer flings with hot girls and bikinis and drinking beers. I mean, this guy just kind of, he might be the epitome of what we all want to be, especially the dudes listening. So you locked him in? Where is he's down on the beach, right? Okay, awesome.

Well, without further ado, we talked to him a few weeks ago. We're going to talk to him again. This guy is crazy. He's nuts, but he's so much fun. I'm a little jealous of his lifestyle. It's Carl Flavors on the line down in Venice Beach. Put him through, Roger. Hello.

Are you there, Carl? Yeah, what's up, Bruce Fiosch? It's the Flaves. Whoa, hey, what's up, Carl? Oh, you know, the Flaves are just riding the waves, you know, Flaves in the waves, Bro, Sopheosh. Wow, so you're doing some surfing? Oh, yeah, man. The Flaves is in the waves, brash. Oh, man, you know, I'm so jealous. I'm locked up here in my studio, and you're down wearing Venice Beach. That's right, Brosh. And we just did some upside-down beer bongs on the beach. It was

fucking nut-rageous, Brash. Wow. What does an upside-down beer bong look like? Well, what we do is, you know, we get people who are interested in the consumption of fine alcoholic beverages, right? Okay. And what we do is we stand them on their head so they're upside-down. on the tasty hot sand down here Venice Beach right okay and we basically hold them up by their feet and we have them drink a whole bucket of frosty tasty frosty frosty's what is a frosty frosty uh beer bro uh hello the flames is in the waves bro shepiyos okay so they that you okay just so I'm clear the beer about you stamp people on on their head, on the beach, and they drink the beer through what?

Well, we put like a tube in their mouth, you know, and really cool yesterday. You won't believe it, Brosh. What? What happened? Well, usually we have, you know, tight little hoddies like peach babies in their snap the sponge cake thongs, right? What is snap the sponge cake? Well, that's when you grab a little hotties, uh, you know, thong of rammer right at the back, right on the top of the crack of her arse, and you snap the back and snap the sponge cake, bro, chefiosch. Okay, I guess is that even legal? Oh, the beach has its own rules, brash.

Okay, I won't ask, so you had some old ladies doing beer bongs? Yeah, brash, and it was so cool because we didn't even have. have to hook them up to the tube or the bucket brosh what why not well check it out these two old ladies from Dayton Ohio right I think they must have been pushing like 80 or 90 and pretty soon they're going to be pushing daisies broh okay that doesn't sound very nice well it turns out these old holidays had catheter bags bro what do you mean that catheter bags yeah you know the the bags that hang under their clothing, they have a tube, and they, like, you know, they pee in them. I mean, they piss the day away, Brosh, because what else does an 80 or 90-year-old

haughty have to do, right? Okay, that doesn't sound very nice. Well, the Flames are just keeping it honest, Brosh. Okay, well, I guess you are pretty, if nothing else, you don't really have a filter. So, anyways, we hung the old Frosties upside down, right, and we filled their caffeine. bag full of frosties. Wait, what? You know, we just, you know, they already had the bags in the hoses, right?

So, we just filled their colostomy bags up with, you know, frosty, frosty frosties and stuck the hose in their mouth, and those old hoot owls were just sucking on that frosty beer, like a vacuum cleaner trapped inside of, you know, Ryan Gosling's fucking underpants, bro. Whoa, whoa! Are you telling me you put beer in their caffeter bags, and they were... It's not. Think of it as a beer bong, bro. Don't think of it as a caffeter bag.

That's gnarly. Well, yeah, it's gnarly, but you can't put beer in a caffeter bag. That's for urine. Well, let me ask you this, bro, chefi-house. Okay. If I held up a caffeter bag with urine... Right. And I held up a cappeter bag filled with frosties.

Okay. Would you be able to... tell the difference, bro, sepiosch? Uh... The Flaves, arrest his case. Court is adjourned. Huh. Brosh.

Brush. Brosh. Brosh. All right. God. So these old ladies were sucking beer out of their caffeter bags. Oh, it was not rages, bro.

All right. And then here's what's really fucking wild. We're in the middle of the upside-down beer-bonging. Okay. And a fucking dead whale washed up on the beach, bro. What a dead whale? Well, I think it was like a dolphin or whatever, right? Because it was small and it was gray.

Oh, that's horrible. Well, you'd think it was horrible at first, right? But then, the Flaves, who knows the waves, decided, hey, what if the Flaves ditched a surfboard and everyone could take pictures of the Flaves riding in on a tasty corn chip? Now, corn chip means a curly wave, right? Precisely, icely, icely, oh, bro, chefy, oh,ie, oh, eo, oh, eo. All right. And I thought, what if people could take photos, you know, with their iPhones and whatnot,

of the Flaves riding in on the back of a dolphin, Brosh? What, wait, what? You heard me right, Brosh. The Flaves abandons his surfboard, which isn't something I normally do. Because, you know, I sleep with it at night, brash. Um... But instead, I come flying in on a tasty wave on the back of a dead fucking porpoise. Wait, that doesn't sound nice.

Yeah, but think of the photo opportunity, I was charging ten bucks a pick, bro. People were snapping their fucking cameras like fucking someone with no fingers trying to open a can of beans, brosh. What does that even mean? I don't know, bro. But the Flaves made $600 in three hours, bro. Wait a minute. You were riding in on the waves on a dead dolphin

and charging people $10 a pitcher to see you riding a dolphin? Oh, bro, she was like the easiest six-hondo the Flaves has ever made. The Flaves rods the waves on El Tolfino and makes a fucking killing, brash. Oh, God. Well, that sounds a bit morbid, but I guess this is why I call you, man. Because, you know, last time we called you, all my listeners were, like, completely amazed at your lifestyle and, you know, how you live your life and you don't really have to go into work. Well, if, you know, riding the waves and hanging out on the beaches and a full-time jog brush, the Flaves doesn't know what is. You know what I'm saying?

Bro, Sheffio, oh, chefio. Okay. Well, I'm just personally fascinated by your lifestyle. And I've got to admit I'm a bit jealous. Everybody's jealous of the Flaves, Brosh. I mean, you know, I got the tanning oil on. I'm nice and golden brown, except when I take my shorts off. That area is nice and white.

I call that the lighthouse, brash. The lighthouse? Right, because the rest of my body's like. golden brown, right? Okay. But when the Flaves pulls down as tasty swim trunks? Right. Oh, my skin's white like a lighthouse, right? Okay. And you know what a lighthouse does, right? Well, doesn't it? You nailed it, Brosh. It attracts people from the darkness into the lie, bro. Wait, what? You should see the hoddies come running when the Flaves pulls down his shorts. That lighthouse just beams in their eyes, and it's like, fuck the lighthouse, it's a cockhouse, bro.

All right, let's not talk about that. Is there something else? Oh, you don't want to talk about the Flaves' cockhouse? No, I don't want to talk about the Flaves' cockhouse. Is there something more family-friendly that we can talk about? Well, we had a corn spit, bro. What is a corn spit? You know, it's like corn on the cob.

Seeing this deal, or you stick a cob of corn on an electric drill, and, you know, it rolls around and you just chew the corn right off the cob. Okay, yeah. Well, that's what we did, bro, and it was going real good until we got one chick who had fucking trade-track braces on her teeth. Uh-oh, what happened there? Well, you know, the cob was spinning around like a fucking snow tire trying to get out of the slush, right? Okay. And this fucking cob was spinning around. around on the Flays' Black and Decker drill.

Right. And I guess some of the niblets got jacked up in her fucking metal braces, bro. Okay. And it peeled her fucking lips off, bro. I mean, she looked like a fucking sea turtle sucking on a fucking coral reef, brash. Oh, my God. Like, her lips got all fangled up. Oh, man, they got rolled up and rippled around.

And then, you know, the Flaves put the old Black and Decker in reverse. When her lips fucking unrolled, holy fuck, bro. Ooh, was it bad? Oh, my God, it looked like someone unrolled a couple of Walmart sleeping bags filled with fucking cactus diarrhea. Whoa! What is cactus diarrhea? Uh, you gotta be at the beach to do that, brash.

Holy smokes. Now, let me tell you about the big fucking deal that happened down at the sunglass hut. What is the sunglass hut? that's like a little bar right at the end of the beach and uh well looks like the Flaves went in to use the bathroom and there were two bros in there and they weren't riding safe surfboards you know what I mean no I don't think I know what you mean oh they were riding like glory hole board okay that's all we need to hear hey Flaves thank you for uh for for illuminating us again a fascinating lifestyle we don't have time for anymore What, you don't want to hear about the surfboard glory hole thing? No, I think we're all good for that.

Thanks, Carl. All right, the Flaves is out. I've got to do a beer bomb. I've got a couple old hoddies on the beach hanging upside down, bro. All right, Carl Flavors, everybody. Thank you, Carl. Right on, bra. Hi, can you.

Wow, this guy, are you kidding me? What a summer! I want that guy's life, man. It's just as unfair. Are you guys like me? Are you getting jealous? I mean, I feel like me, you, and everyone listening are living just the normal, mundane lives, and Carl Flavors is living like some kind of fantasy life, man.

Okay, okay, we got it, Raj. Hello? Here we go. Cut it up. Turn it off. Tap chip. Jeez. Don't give any extra mind control juice to our pavement pounder at the beginning. No way. See, now I have to insist that you play some of my song because I can't give him the advantage, the edge. You know what I'm talking about. Don't sit there throwing your arms in the air. give me some do do do do do do it do it do it do it do what that's it that's all you're giving me jeez me you know you gave him a lot more you know what actually we're at the end of the show now

so what i think is appropriate is maybe you just play the rest of the song out while I'd close out the show and that gives me the tactical advantage and it is my podcast so you know I should have the tactical advantage so hit the rest of the song and we'll play it as I do the announcements and we kind of end the show okay hit it roj oh yeah oh that is so good Competition. Love it. Okay, let's do some announcements here. It's hard to even talk while it's playing because it's so it's in your head. You're all going to be doing it. Anyways, don't forget if you want to call me and maybe you want to challenge me with a song. Oh, yeah. It's futile. I wouldn't waste your time if I were you, but I don't know. The phone number. number's 323739 43330 and you can call me with any thoughts questions whatever 323739

43330 is the phone number or you can write me at harland williams.com we'll be doing a session of the harland highway mailbag soon we have a whole bunch of emails that i have to get through So we'll be doing those very soon. And while you're at Harlem Williams.com, when you're looking up that phone number, that email, you can check out our store. We have the Harland Highway store at Harlem Williams.com. Also, check out my new stand-up comedy tour schedule. All my gigs for the fall have been posted. and I may be coming to your town or city player, so check it out.

Hopefully, I'm coming to see you very soon. What else? Don't forget to get our free app. Just go into your app store on your phone. Type in the Harland Highway podcast. Boom. You are in, baby. And with that free app, you get the 50 latest episodes of the Harland Highway.

You can listen to them wherever you may be on your phone. in your little ear buds. And for $20 a year, you can become a premium member and get every episode we've ever done, which is coming up on 900. And behind 900 is 1,000, so it's getting closed, baby. You also get bonus material if you're a premium member, so that's something really cool.

Special little things I post now and then, just for premium members. one of which is the new titles, yeah, the new titles for the podcast. Guess what? Everyone else has heard them. That is the premium members. The premium members heard them two weeks ago. They got an advanced listen of the new titles.

But for you regular pavement pounders, who I adore just as much, by the way, you're going to be hearing the next podcast, the new titles, be up. Yes, the new opening titles for the podcast. I hope you like them. They're fun. They're silly. And let's see what you think about. Those. What else can I tell you? I don't forget, keep on watching Puppy Dog Pals, my animated series on Disney. Don't forget to check out my rock and roll album, The Cousins, Rattlesnake Love on iTunes. And that's it, man. I hope you had a great time here today. Hope you have fun humming this song to yourself.

You're going to do it. Life is just a fantasy ain't going to happen. You're going to do this. Okay? So there you go. Thanks for being here. Please tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway. And I'm going to do do do do do do do myself right out of here.

And until next time. Chicken. Chalmayne, baby? Precisely, icely, oh, bro, chefy, o'e, o'y, oh, o'y, oh, oh, oh. It's just a nasty.