The Harland Highway - 893 - DEAD Julia Childs joins the show. CRAZY news story about the future!

Episode Date: August 7, 2017

DEAD Julia Childs joins the show with a delicious NEW food dish. CRAZY news story about the future! Listener phone calls. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Harlem Highway. How are you today? What a show we have today. Oh, my God. We've got some calls from the pavement pounders coming in. Yeah, phone calls from you, the listeners. Always love hearing from you guys. Also, an incredible, crazy news story. Oh, my God. I'm so excited about this. crazy news story because it actually is about something that I predicted, something that I've been talking about here on the Harland Highway for the last little while, and it looks like I was right. It's coming true. Wait to you hear this story. Also, oh my God, our favorite chef, our favorite culinary artist, dead Julia Childs, will be coming back from the grave today to help help us figure out what to eat and share one of her delicious

from Beyond the Grave recipes so all kinds of really good stuff happening here today on the Harlandio Highway hope you enjoy it hope you like our new titles we got the new titles playing here on the Harland Highway

as you know I refreshed them from time to time so sit back enjoy. Enjoy Boy, have fun right here on the Harland Highway. Put on your seatbelt. It's about to get bumpy. Oh, how perfectly awful. I get my kids above the waistline, suction. When will they take the bandages off? We don't know who we are. We don't know where we are.

You're riding down the Harland Highway. Let's out of here, please. Let me tell you, you're starting something here that that's what you should be frightened of. Oh, fuck yeah, bud. Just leave us alone. Sit down, strap in, and shut up. What's going on? What's the matter?

I thought maybe if I could kill him, I could make him stop. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me. He's a friend. Who are we? This is the Harland Highway. What? It's the Harland Highway. It's a cup.

Oh, boy. This is going to be good. This is worth screaming. This is, oh, I'm excited. I'm excited and a little bit scared. This is going to be one of those I told you so stories, okay? This is one of those. I talked about this a year ago on this podcast.

I said it. I meant it. I predicted it. Enough of me blathering. Raj, play. I just called you Rob. Like you're East Indian now. Raj, please play the intro music, please.

Raj! I meant to say Raj. Roger, please play the intro music, please. The Harland Highway. Crazy news stories. That's weird. That's strange stuff. Oh, man.

I am jazzed about this story. I am excited about this story. I'm also a little trepidation. about this story. It's a little bit frightening, but it's also something I've been calling for. Here's the crazy new story headline. You're ready?

Wisconsin Company to install rice-sized microchips in employees. Hello! Remember I was telling you about this? Like a year ago, I was saying that's where the technology is going. Cell phones will be a thing of the point.

past. If you want to go back in reference, I said when babies are born, hospitals are going to give you the option to inject chips into your babies. Which chip would you like? I talked about how it's so unnecessary that we carry around credit cards and passports and driver's licenses and all this burdensome stuff. Why can't everything just be in a microchip under our skin? And I had a lot of A lot of pavement pounders write to me and call me and say, It'll never happen, and that's crazy, and that's not what the future is, and that's unethical, and it's immoral, and they don't have the technology, and I was like, you wait and see, man, it's just around the corner.

That was my prediction. I didn't know of anyone who was doing it. All I said was, hey, if they're injecting chips into our pets, into our cats and dogs, why can't they do it to us if they can inject a tracking chip and furthermore I said why wouldn't you want it well do you want to carry around all that stuff in your wallet and in your pocket that you lose

and people can steal and and imitate and fraud and and it's just it's just about what if everything's just self-contained inside your system well enough for this let me read you the story here it is welcome to the the future question mark a wisconsin technology company is offering its employees microchip implants that can be used to scan into the building and purchase food at work whether or not to get a chip is up to the employee to decide well what would you rather do every day especially in wisconsin where

it's cold and it's chilly and it's snowy would you rather fumble through your wallet and your purse and jacket looking for your photo ID card or swiping your card or your scanner when you're walking into work or would you rather just walk through a doorway and some kind of infrared sensor goes just picks up the chip under your scan you're in do you want to fumble around with change and try and stick a dollar in the vending machine or you know you always put your credit card in and you don't know which side the stripe goes in and up and half the time it doesn't work. Or do you just want to walk up to a vending machine and press B-12? There's my Frito's Corn Chips.

Scanned. Well, let's read some more. Three Square Market, a company that provides technology for break room or micro markets, has over 50 employees who plan to have the devices implanted. Good for you. the tiny chip which uses RFID technology or radio frequency identification can be implanted between the thumb and forefinger within seconds it's like getting a little needle I bet the company which is based in Wisconsin envisions the rice sized microchip right that's the size of a grain of rice

and I tell you what here's another prediction That's gigantic right now, okay? That's like the size of a refrigerator and in microchips. I'm predicting that one day they'll be putting chips under our skin that are almost microscopic. Or if you tore the smallest corner off the edge of a postage stamp, less than the size of the head of an average nail, I think they'll be sliding little flat chips into us. The rice-sized microchip, allowing employees to easily pay for items, access the building, and their computers, all with a scan of their hand.

Not only, like, futuristic, but kind of fun. It's kind of like those elevators on Star Trek. You remember, they just wave their hand and the elevator door opened? quote, we foresee the use of this technology to drive everything from making purchases in our office breakroom market, opening doors, using copy machines, logging into our office computers, unlocking phones, sharing business cards, storing medical and health information, and used as payment at other terminals. See, this is what I'm talking about, man. Now, if we could just walk everywhere and we no longer had to exchange dirty money, we no longer had to carry all these cumbersome pieces of identification that I already said people can steal and duplicate.

It's amazing. The CEO of this company said in a company statement, quote, eventually this technology will become. standardized, allowing you to use this as your passport. Here we go. Passport, public transit, all purchasing opportunities, et cetera. See, I was right, man. And while microchipping employees may sound like something out of a horror film,

the company is partering with a Swedish company, which already has many chipped. There's the new term. It's in quotes here. Chipped employees. get used to that word ladies and gentlemen because in your lifetime if you're if you're 60 and younger and you're listening i'm going to make a prediction within 10 years you're going to be chipped within 10 years maybe five maybe sooner we are going to be chipped and i'm going to say it again i think parents are going to have the option of chipping having their babies their little infants

before they even leave the hospital, chipped in the baby infirmary, right? Mr. and Mrs. Smith, congratulations. You have a healthy seven-pound boy? Would you like the passport, the driver's license, the Netflix, the Starbucks card, the driver's license, the wedding license, the, I mean, which one would you like installed? Uh, the employees at this company are not required to get the microchips. And there is no GPS tracking.

So here's where it gets a little kooky, right? Because as you know, and as some of the pavement pounders, uh, you know, so eloquently, uh, uh, you know, there's, there's an upside and a downside. And, uh, and the good news is they say they can't track you via GPS. But I've got to be honest, if I'm going to tout the benefits of this technology, I'm also going to illuminate the downsides to this technology. And even though they say they can't GPS, you know what, if there's some kind of an electronic microchip in your body that can, that can, you know, access your medical records, your credit card, your passport, all that stuff, I'm sure that if they flicked us, switch or or wanted to track you with a microchip I'm sure it's in there man I mean look at all the stuff they've done with didn't didn't Volkswagen do some stuff in their cars where they

they had a microchip where they're able to trick the the smog emissions and and there's too many stories of technology being used to track things and find people and you know haven't they started putting black boxes into into color and tracking people's driving habits, and, you know, they can trace your cell phone wherever you go. So maybe in a way, it's not that big a deal. But the other thing is, what if you're in Mexico and you're kidnapped? What if your child is abducted?

What if, you know what I mean? So there's also benefits to being tracked. You just don't want to be tracked unnecessarily, but maybe it's a good thing. you know what if you've got people who murder like o j oh j says he wasn't uh over at nicole's house at such and such an hour had he had a GPS tracking chip we would have known exactly where he was geographically at the exact second and that goes for the rest of all the murderers and the drug dealers and the con artists and the thieves maybe this is just what we need maybe this type of technology helps keep human beings honest.

Hmm. But it also, you know, it'll probably stop people from cheating on their husbands and wives and blah, blah, blah. It could make life boring. And I hate to say this. I hate to say this, man. But do we want a society where everything's on the up and up? I mean, as much as we hate the horror. of evil, does it not keep our society a little interesting, a little exciting, a little fascinating, a little

intriguing? If we were able to stop all devious acts and cut out all the mischief and the wrongdoing in the world, my God, what would we watch politics for? What would we watch movies in television for what would we talk about to our friends when we went for coffee at Starbucks instead of you know what I think David's cheating on me yeah I found some lipstick on his collar and he had a butt plug when he came to bed the other night I guess he forgot to take it out she must be kinky or do they sit there and go well today I went to Kmart and bought some new potpourri yeah I bought a new frying pan at Kmart and and then I went over to Starbucks and got a you know oh we're at Starbucks I should have

checked my own chip um so i don't know and then and then let me let me be the devil's advocate because you know i'm going to go one step further here instead of being chipped okay here's how forward thinking your your humble host is now that chipped is becoming a thing and that i predicted it i'm moving on to the next prediction where chipped is passe can you believe i'm skipping by chipped, and I'm going straight to like some kind of interconnected, you know, cerebral brainwave thing, where we're all connected telepathically, and we can hear each other's thoughts, and we can read each other's minds, and we can talk to each other without even vocalizing, without opening our mouths. We don't even have phones. If we don't even have phones, if we

We've got a friend in Australia. We just think to them. Can you believe where I'm going with this, ladies and gentlemen? I just finally got to Chipped, and now I'm pole vaulting over Chipped. Oh, my God. I mean, this is the beauty and the terror of human ingenuity, ladies, and gurgle glargans. This is the hope and the fear all rolled into one. And dare I say we go beyond what I just said, the brain think thing?

Oh, my God. I'm going to stop right at my pole vault because I, you know, I need to configure my thoughts to go beyond. And I don't want to liken myself to Albert Einstein. I'm not doing that. But, you know, Albert, he had all these theories about stuff that that he didn't. No, somehow he was just instilled with the instinct that time travel and, and, you know, the different types of energy and particles and different entities and energies and energies and gravities and things in the out in space and in the future and in the solar system.

Somehow he, he had a vision for these things. And even though I'm kind of comparing myself to Albert Einstein, but not really. It's not like I just came up with this stuff like nobody else has thought of this stuff. I mean, good Lord, I'm just getting excited. I'm getting excited that all this stuff is happening. But here's where it goes around a real interesting band, ladies, and snargo flargens. Are you religious? Are you God-fearing?

Do you believe in the prophecy? Well, guess what? The Christians, yes, the Christians warn that microchipping resembles a prophecy. Oh, yeah, that's kind of scary when you get religion into it. The Christians have in the Bible, I think it's in revelations where it's still. states that mankind cannot buy or sell without the mark of the beast on their right hand. I think a lot of us have heard about this in the Bible and revelations you cannot buy or sell without the mark of the beast in their right hand.

And is that, is that mark? The microchip? Is it the little scar? it's scary man you might think it's hocus pocus and it's hooey but think about it

the Bible was written thousands of years ago and speaking of Einstein's foresight how is it that people way back when had the wherewithal and the intuition

that human beings in the future would have the mark of the beast on their hand how would they i mean they're not knowing what it is but just just to imagine to think so far ahead thousands of years and let's remember back then they didn't know about cars and the internet and jet fighters and and uh you know cell phones let's face it when they were living way back then in almost the stone ages where people rode donkeys and and eight fish and bread and lived in houses made of stone and brick.

Do you think back then that human beings envisioned the concept of cars and airplanes and electricity even? Cameras, microwaves, radios, TVs. I mean, they had the basics. They woke up, they worked, they ate, they went to sleep. None of the stuff we have now. And yet, way back then, somehow they had a vision, whether they thought it would be some kind of technological thing

or whether they just thought it would still be primitive and, you know, somebody, the devil crushed a blueberry in your palm and that was the mark of the beast. But something tells me that if you believe in all that stuff and the religious soothsayers somehow had knowledge or somehow had an inkling that all this stuff was coming. It was preordained.

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Just go to Adam and EVE.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And let's face it, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not trying to be a holy roller here and get all religious on you,

but there are many evil forces at work on this planet today. I'm not just talking about ISIS and North Korea. I'm talking about forces within our own country. People that are trying to undermine the government, undermine our society, trying to impose their will, trying to impose their beliefs, trying to take away people's rights, trying to do this and do that. And I'm not talking about either side of the political spectrum. I think it happens across the board. It's a big swirling pot. This isn't a political statement. This is just any political party.

or any force, or any organization, there are powers at work that are constantly moving in trying to create havoc and dismantle the peaceful, so-called peaceful society we live in. So it's amazing what's going on. And, you know, it's all, it's all coming to this interesting place. So who knows? Is it the devil's work or is it our salvation? Is it a situation where we all somehow globally get on the same page through the use of technology?

Or as I said earlier, does that dull us? Does that make us all one kind of moving blob of humanity? All races, creeds, colors, religions, all fused together as one by technology where we just kind of move around like that movie The Blob. Remember that movie The Blob? Beware of the blob, it creeps and leaps and glides and slides across the floor Fight through the door and all around the wall A splotch, a blotch, be careful of the blob

The blob was just this big oozing mass That crawled around the surface of the earth Are we in danger becoming that? Or does these technologies allow us to be more artistic? You know, be more expressive, be more opinionated. be more unique. These are all the questions that so many questions evolving

that include religion and morality and technology and decency and ethics and oh my God. And this is the world we live in right now, ladies and gentlemen. So put your seatbelt on and get ready to get chipped. You are going to get chipped. And let's see where the next level goes.

We're so into our cell phones. They're going to be a thing of the past very soon because we're getting chipped. I'm probably going to get sour cream and onion chipped. Just to be a little splashy. Yes, I'm chipped. That's me. If you're smelling sour cream and onion, that's me.

I used to be barbecued, but I'm, you know, I'm shaking things up. And that is today's long-ass crazy news story. Wow. Beware of the blob. It creeps and leaps and glides and slides across the floor right through the door and all around the wall. A splotch. A blotch. Be careful of the blob.

Beware of the blob. Hello? Hello? Harlan. When's the last time you had a two? tuna fish sandwich on toast. Now, I know you like to eat good stuff that taste good. And you probably haven't had this in years.

All right, you're ready? You get a stalk of celery, chop it up, little tiny pieces, chop it up good. Get a nice sweet onion, a white onion, chop it up, really good. take some teaspoon of salt, teaspoon of pepper, teaspoon of lemon juice, and throw that in a bowl. Get two cans of tuna fish chunky white, drain it, put it in a bowl, mix it up with like a half a cup of mayonnaise, mix it up good, put that in the other bowl, mix all that stuff together. really good, put it in a refrigerator, let it cool down, put a top on it, or something, you know, on a plastic, whatever.

All right, a couple hours, shake it out. Get some toast, multi-grained, white, it doesn't matter. Whatever toast you like, toast your toast, take it out, smear that tuna fish on there. I'm telling you that is the best sandwich you're ever going to eat in your entire life. Enjoy, broskey.

Enjoy. Enjoy. Wow. Okay. You're right. I probably haven't had that in years because I'm not a big tuna fish guy. I don't go out of my way for tuna fish. I probably

only made tuna fish sandwich sandwich spread like three times in my entire life. I've probably only ordered a tuna fish sandwich like 10 or 11 times in my life. I actually enjoy the taste of it, but I don't go out of my way for it. It sounds like you have a good recipe, a good way to make it. Maybe I'll do it, but you know what, if we're going to talk cooking, if we're going to talk recipes, I'd rather leave that up to the experts. And that's why I think it's great that we have in the studio today,

one of the best cooks or chefs the world has ever known. Please welcome to the Harland Highway podcast studio, the one the only, dead Julia Childs. Oh, hello, it's so great to be here. Hello, Julia. How are you? Well, it's just nice to be up from underneath the ground. I mean, it's so smelly in there, you know, rotting flesh and corroded bones.

It's just not nice. Okay, well, I'm glad you came back from the grave to enlighten us with one of your wonderful dishes. Well, do you mind if I just catch my breath for a minute, please? How's my breath smell? Oh, God. Well, that's what happens when you're dead. and I just puked in my own mouth. Oh my God.

Sniff that, you son of a whore. Julia. Sorry, I get carried away when I'm up here on the ethereal plane. I get lost in my senses. God. I know. It smells like shit just took a shit. Oh, my God.

Can we just focus on your dish? Do you have a dish for us today? Well, your friend called and said he had the ultimate dish for a tuna fish sandwich. Okay, yeah, it sounded like he was pretty specific, had a good recipe. Do you have sandwich recipes, Julia? Do I? Have you ever had a cry baby sandwich? A cry baby sandwich?

No, how do you make that? Well, it's pretty easy. First, again, two pieces of bread. None of this whole grain, gluten-free, fairy bullshit. Okay. Just get some plain old wonder bread, okay? All right. Here's what you do to make a cry baby sandwich. All right, Julia, tell us, you get a big fat Spanish onion. Okay? You cover it with Tabasco sauce, hot sauce, level 12 curry, anything to turn up the heat, even get toothpicks and put jalapeno peppers and the sides of the onion.

Holy smokes, that sounds like a ball of fire. That's right. All right, what do we do once we have this burning ball of fire onion? You put a rubber glove on, bend over, and shove it three and a half feet up your own ass. Julia, oh my God. And then you wait for the tears to come. That's why they call it a cry baby sandwich. Oh, my God, Julia.

that sounds a little rough. Well, you may think it's rough going in, and you may cry once it's up there, but wait till it comes out. You're going to weep like your father and mother just had their minivan cut in half by an Amtrak train going 85 miles an hour. Oh, my God.

And maybe I'll see them in my graveyard if I get lucky. Okay, Julia, I think that recipe sounds a little bit too delicious? No, a little bit too edgy and a little bit too dangerous. A cry baby sandwich. Would you like to hear about my nutcracker meatloaf? No, I think we'll save the nutcracker meatloaf till next time. Well, what you do is you get a sledgehammer, smash your nuts into hamburger meat. Julia, we're done, we're good, we only wanted one recipe. Thank you so much. Dead Julia Childs. Thank you for letting me get out of my goddamn coffin. I think I farted in there about a week ago and it's been floating around my rotting skull. Oh my God. Would you like a sniff of my death

breath before I go back into the ground? Oh my God. Thank you. Good to see you. Happy appetite. We'll see you next time. Oh my God. There's she go. Dead Julia Childs. Wow. Roger, do we have some air freshener or some of those pine cone, pine tree fresheners? Oh my God, she's really, you know, the longer she's in the ground, the more she rots. And it just stinks in here. But, you know, as far as her sandwich goes, I don't know if I can recommend that to anybody, the crybaby sandwich. but you know

it does sound a little more exotic than regular old tuna fish so I'll let you decide oh god Roger come and spray this room down ooh ha ha ha ha ha ha hello hello

hey um uh how we go shitmips fuck checks plop bag con salad bids chislin chislin

Dick Wizard, Cucks, Socket, and Spooge, Merchant. Good day, sir. You know, I just love how polite people are. You know, at the end, when he said, good day, sir. I mean, that is so considerate, so thoughtful, so polite. Who says good day, sir anymore? Who has the decency and the common courtesy to call it? someone, sir, anymore. I mean,

just so polite. I wish people could just get back to that, the way this wonderful caller did. Just have class. You know what I'm saying? Have manners. Have the civility and the etiquette to address people in such a formal

and polite way. Thank you. Thank you for that call. Thanks for reminding us, sir. if I may return the flavor, the favor, sir, twop bag, that just thank you for being like that. Dick Wizard, Cucks, socket, and Spooge Merchant. Good day, sir. Good day indeed. It will be a good day now, now that someone's finally treated me with a little bit of respect and the common decency that I deserve, that we all deserve. Thank you. Again, douche, douche teeth.

You're just a wonderful, wonderful, just courteous, fuck-nostral, dick-splash forehead, knob-nose. Thank you. And I think we'll end the show on that. Or should I end it? Let's end it on this. Did you? It's a little question.

A little nugget of information. Did you, um, listeners, pavement pounders, men and women, children, girls, boys, did you know that black cars look better in the shade? Spokes them French cigarettes and cocktail gloves and strapped his dress. She got a perfect silhouette. But she's a doggy, Joelle, darker, dark glasses. beauty as the night time passes Black cars look better in the shade Black cars

Black cars Little better in the shade There you go, see I wasn't making it up, black cars look better in the shade uh, dull. All right. Well, let's wrap it up for today.

I got to go get chipped. I got to go get my chip put in. I'm going to get one in my hand and my forehead. I'm going to get one of my butt cheek. I'm going to get one of my foot. I'm going to get a whole bunch of chips. Because, you know,

that's the thing. If you get kidnapped or abducted or something, you know, the bad guys are going to know you've been chipped. And if everyone's got their chip in the same spot in their hand, where Satan puts it. Dullo, they'll just cut it out of your hand. So I'm going to get a whole bunch put in.

So it's like somebody spilled a box of Rice Krispies on my body. I'm going to have like hundreds of thousands of chips all through my body. So there. Speaking of chipped, why don't you chip into your pocketbooks and get ready to come see me do stand-up comedy? uh this fall at a city or town near you starting with portland oregon at helium comedy club uh september 21st through the 24th and then i go over to chicago and schaumburg at the improv uh september 28th to october 1st and uh from there i go over to irvine california october 12th to the 15th at the improv in irvine

and then I go over to November. I go to Buffalo, New York to the Helium Comedy Club, November 2nd to the 5th. I was there a few years ago, great club. And then later on in November, November 16th to the 19th, I'm in San Jose, California at the improv. Then I go up to Edmonton, Alberta, November 23rd to the 26th, at Rick Bronson's House of Comedy. God, there's just so many cool shows coming up. Go to my website, harlornwilliams.com. You can check all the action at my stand-up comedy link.

You can also reserve your tickets online and get in on the fun, brosophs. Also, while you're at harlunewms.com, check out our merchandise store. We have DVDs, T-shirts, music, digital downloads, posters. I don't know. everything in there. We'll mail it out to you. And also, you can write to me at harlomwilliams.com. There is a contact link if you'd like to write to me. Or maybe you want to be polite.

Maybe you want to, you know, be really polite and write me a nice message at, you know, or not write me, but leave me a nice message on the voicemail. And just make sure you say, sir, at the end of it, so I know it's plight. 323739, 43330, 323.3, 739, 43330. Love to hear from you, whether you're plight or rude. Also, don't forget to get our free app. You can get it totally free at your app store. Just type in the Harland Highway podcast.

Boom, you're in. You can listen to us wherever you may be, ladies and gurgle bluergens. Also become a premium member for 20 bucks a year. You can do that at Harlan Williams.com. Just go to the podcast link. And you can join 20 bucks a year. Get you all the episodes we've ever, ever done. Unbelievable.

Plus bonus material. It's just a good, groovy deal, man. Check it out. And that's all we have time for today. Thanks for watching Puppie Dog Pals to all you folks out there that have been watching my Disney cartoon, Puppie Dog Pals. Keep watching lots of great episodes still to come. Also, don't forget our album, The Cousins, me and my cousin, Kevin Hearn, from The Bare Naked Ladies.

You can listen to it at iTunes, The Cousins, the name of the album's Rattlesnake Ler, You can download individual songs or the whole album. Whatever you like, baby. Hopefully that you find some songs there that you dig. I do the singing. My cousin does the playing. And it's a lot of fun, man. And that's it.

That's all I've got times for today. Thank you for being here. I hope you're having a great summer. And until next time, go get chipped. And chicken chameen, baby. Foxx, plot bag, con salad, fished chisler, sausage, faucet, dick wizard, cock socket, and spooge merchant. Good day, sir.