The Harland Highway - 894 - Dr. CHARLES ASSMUNCH calls in. A horrible PENIS story.

Episode Date: August 10, 2017

Dr. Charles Assmunch calls the show to discuss science. A horrific PENIS story. Have you been CHIPPED? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Meow. What a show, baby. Me, meow. Right? Did I do it? That was like I was being a cool cat. I was like, meow. Oh, no, no. Okay. How about nerd alert? Welcome to the Harland Highway. I'm Harlan Williams, your host. Thanks for being here, man. Amazing show today. Oh, my God. Well, let me dial that back a little bit. Apparently, Professor Charles Asmunch is calling. in to illuminate us on some of the topics we're going to be talking about today. He's a professor that's very well educated, but I find him to not say much at all. You'll find out when you hear from him, but he's going to be calling in, commenting on getting chipped. We talked about the computer chips being put into our bodies.

I've got some follow-up information and some interviews with people and their opinions about being chipped. Also, we have a crazy news story that involves the penis. Oh, my God. This one makes me a little squirmy. Yeah, we have a penis-filled crazy news story. So Dr. Asmunch, computer chips, penis stories. I mean, it's all happening right here. It's the only place that can happen. So put your helmet on. Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. This says the Harland Highway. Put on your seatbelt. It's about to get bumpy. Oh, how perfectly awful.

I get my kids above the waistline, sunshine. When will they take the bandages off? We don't know who we are. We don't know where we are. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Let us out of here. Please! Let me tell you.

You're starting something here that That's what you should be frightened of Oh Fuck yeah, bud Just leave us alone Sit down, strap in And shut up What's going on? What's the matter?

I thought maybe if I could kill him I could make him stop My mother of my breastfed me She told me she liked me as a friend Who are we? This is the Harland Highway What? It's the Harlan Highway

It's a cookbook All right I'm not gonna do it a crazy news story, but I'll do this as a crazy new story follow-up. Last podcast, I got all fired up because, you know, I got some information about a company that was going to chip you, insert a chip under your skin that contained all your pertinent data and allowed you to be IDed and shop and scan and open doors and all this stuff. It's something I've been touting for a long time.

And there's some follow-up on it that I want to share with you. Some people who are directly and not directly involved have been asked their feelings about getting chipped. And so here's a little bit of the pros and cons from actual real people when they were asked if they would want to be chipped. It's all about the chips. Many people would benefit from it. It would be more efficient, definitely. No, I wouldn't be chipped. Sci-Fi met 2017 this week with the news that the Wisconsin firm is embedding microchips in their employees.

Reaction was heated with lots of worries about Big Brother. But quick reality check, the chips do not have GPS. And the folks we spoke to could think of some positive aspects about being chipped. I've started passwords for everything, so it stays time if you forget it, I guess. You know, it would just already be in you. to keep memorizing things or writing it down. People who are potentially going to be incarcerated, maybe they can trade shipping for incarceration.

It's good for identification, trying to get through an airport. It would be really quick to get your identification in. And those were some of the nice comments we heard. Others, not so much. No, I think it's just unnecessary. I don't really want to be considered a number. I'd rather be a person. I'd be afraid that they might enable a GPS and they'd be able to track me all the time.

It's too much like 1984. Well, 1984 has come and gone a long time ago. And whether you like it or not, you're in the 1984 world. You know, all these people that you just heard from, I'm assuming, have cell phones. And if you're carrying a cell phone, you can rename it a GPS chip, okay? and most people I know have their cell phones like pretty much glued to them. So we are all walking GPS chips, okay? Unless you leave your phone at home or lose it or forget it,

you're a walking GPS chip. So is it really that big a difference to take the next step and put it under your skin? And humans, you know, humans are always have this defiant streak, right? Humans are like, I don't want to be part of the system. I don't want to be, I don't want to be part of the pack. I'm an individual. You're not melding me in with all the other. You're not lumping me into everybody else.

But the reality is, if I can put on my psychologist hat for a minute, most people like being lumped in, whether you want to admit it or not, because when you're not lumped in, guess what? You're an outsider. You're kind of a outcast. You're a non-convote. You don't fit in. Even if you're an artist, you know, even if you're an artist or a writer or you're creative

or you're an outside of the box, edgy entrepreneur, or you're some kind of radical. I mean, guess what? You know, radical people have cell phones. Radical people have to go to the grocery store and walk up and down the aisle with a little cart while the Muzak's playing and buy food to stay alive. Radical people need electricity and phones and cars. And so despite all the varying attitudes and personas that people portray or where, if you will, at the end of the day as a human being, unless you're kind of insane and you don't know any better and you're really out there, then you know what?

We're all kind of part of the fold. And some of us can pretend that we're not, you know, oh, I'm a radical, man. I eat vegetarian food and I, you know, I protest on the weekends and I, uh, I've got my, my politics are, I think there should be no governments and we should all ride whales. Can you excuse me for a minute? I got a call coming in on my iPhone. Hang on. Yeah, it's noisy out here.

I'm going to go get in my car and close the doors so I can hear. You know, it's, and I'm not saying that everyone's just a, you know, everyone's exactly the same, but on a foundation level, okay? Humans like to be part of the collective tribe. We like to fit in. And so everyone who is kind of against cell phones and computers and cars, well, they all have them. We all have them or we all want them. And if the next wave of technology is to get chipped and getting chip provides all these benefits of speeding up your life, simplifying your life, clearing up clutter in your life, I mean, man, people are going to get chipped faster than you can say, uh,

Wrinkles. Okay? I mean, let's say you're a guy in the mall or you're a guy over in, you're on vacation in Aruba, you're on vacation in China. And God forbid, all of a sudden you have a stroke or you have a heart attack and everyone's trying to figure out who you are and what your medical condition is and what your medical history is. But lo and behold, they just go, beep, beep, beep. They check your chip. And it could save your life because you get medical treatment so rapidly. Or God forbid you get lost. You're on a, oh, let's go to the, let's go to Costa Rica and go hiking.

And you get lost in the jungle. Normally it'd be a death now, right? You'd be like eight days eating leeches and skinning snakes and, you know, eating raw koala babies. But all of a sudden's like, beep, beep, oh, there he is. He's underneath the banana tree right by the Alabama. alligator nest on the side of the river right near the wombat juice, you know? I mean, yes, it makes life, you know, kind of like, I guess, what's the word I'm looking for?

It makes life maybe a little less spontaneous, or does it? I mean, I guess we can still be spontaneous. I guess it makes life a little less private. And, you know, it almost seems in a world where our population is just blowing up where it's $7.5 billion, it's going to be, you know, before you blink your eyes, it's going to be $20 billion. And in those billions, you're going to have, you know, bad people. Well, guess what? The chips are going to help track the bad people, too. There's going to be chips inside of people who are in ISIS. and people who are terrorists and people who want to rob banks

and people who are child molesters and sex perverts. And I mean, come on, man, there's an upside to this stuff. So I figure if you're a fine, upstanding citizen who's not out to harm anyone and just live a happy, peaceful life, is there a downside to being chipped? I don't know. Well, why don't I read a few more of these comments on the chip thing and see what people are thinking? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out.

That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back. out. Here's one lady that says, we don't generally have outside pockets in our clothes. So we have to carry a purse for my keys and a phone and other things. This is a woman. If I had a chip,

I wouldn't have to lose things and I can pay for things, open my car doors, and so many other options. That's interesting, right? Let's see what other people say here. Here's a girl who says you could replace passwords forever. She says she has so many passwords, she always forgets them. And she goes, if they're already in you, you wouldn't have to memorize them. I think we heard from her. Another person says what I said on my last podcast is that the implant chip could soon lead to allowing you to receive phone calls through an accessory earpiece.

This person says it would be all about the chip. Here's one to my point. Medical safety, you can put vital information into the chip. If someone passed out, they might be able to read from the chip what allergies or medical problems they had. Here's another one I mentioned, keeping track of criminals. Instead of ankle bracelets that monitor the movement of those under custody, maybe they could trade it for chipping. Here's one. You can buy goods at a store quicker. It would eliminate cash registers and let customers pay with an app. You could walk in and walk out of a supermarket and the chip would let the store know it.

Here's another one. When I meet people and they would say, can I connect with you, I say read my chip. There's no exchange of business cards. I'd just show up in their contacts. Wow. speed dating, man. So these are just some of the comments and some of the other ways you could use a chip. I'm sure you can imagine there's hundreds of thousands of them.

And it's coming, man. It's all I'm going to say. I'll leave it there. You are going to get chipped. Oh, this is so exciting. Who is it? Oh, okay. Well, Roger tells me we have a professor from a university.

calling in, okay, to talk about this. Well, see, I'd rather hear from someone who's an educator who has some pedigree to talk about this topic, because it is technologically advanced, it is futuristic. I'm just a guy kind of sharing my simple thoughts, but I think it would behoove us to really have an expert in the field, someone with an education. Who's calling in, Roger? He's on the line? Well, why won't you tell me?

Okay, well, I don't care. I don't care. I don't know why you won't tell me, but just put him through. Let's talk to him. This is a great topic. Let's go. Here we go. Hello, sir.

Hello. How are you today, Mr. Williams? Who is this? This is Professor Dr. Charles Asmunch. How are you? Roger, what the hell? it's very good to be on your show today i think it's a very important topic that uh you know everyone should uh listen to well we are talking about a professor and if if you can add to the

conversation then i guess uh you know it's it's always i guess important to get an educated opinion well thank you very much and i think what your listeners need to understand here is that according to all the physics, the laws of science, and, you know, gratification, that we need to know, and we need to understand as a species, as a human collective species, that, you know, regenderization of the factual portions of modern, you know, artifacts can never be underestimated in a situation as we move forward as a robust and capitalizing terminal. Oh, see, okay. Now, right away, I'm not sure if either you're too advanced for me to get what you just said or what you said is complete and utter. And we need to, really, when we're thinking

about being shipped, I think we have to get the transformer in place. We need to. We need to, to look at the underbelly, the real underbelly of the crucial mix of, you know, polluting and confiscating different variables in the molecular atmosphere that, you know, has a gravitational complex. Okay, see, I'm not sure that I understood one word of that, Dr. Asmunch, and I'm not sure even you understood it. It sounds like a heaping load of... So where I'm going with this, Mr. Williams, is that there's a pulley system in place here.

And what we've got to do is we've got to watch the up-and-down action and, you know, not be afraid of the fibrous nature of the constructive de-alimitation of the platinum, first and foremost, of course, the hemoglobin, which comes raiding behind, the infrastructure, and then right down, all the way down the chain to the bacterial mix that really confiscates the bilateral upside down. You know, I don't really want to throw this word around, but I will. Sir? Transmorphicification.

Okay, look, we're talking about, chipped, sir, professor, and I'm not sure that anything you're saying is really moving the needle and helping us understand the whole futuristic, you know, wave of technology coming that's going to affect all of us. Well, you know, look, I have a degree, and for me, this is as clear as Apple Punch, you know, and that's why I've called India's show to help clarify the nectar that, you know, runs from the channel that goes around the bilateral deconstruction factor. Now, if we're talking about molecular partiality, then I think your listeners are really going

to find that as we move into the future, the lens in which we, you know, churn the iodine is really what we all want to move towards and the momentum that we create is, you know, jet propelled into the carburetor of our very, very existence.

Sir, you're just using crazy, big words, and you're not saying a damn thing, you're confusing everybody, and I'm just going to call you out, sir. It's a load of bullshit, Professor Asmunch.

It's Don. Dr. Charles Asmunch, and I understand your frustration, Mr. Williams. You know, these are not easy things to comprehend. They're hard to wrap your head around, you know, the future. And if I can just break it down and simplify it and pause to take a, well, an embalming fluid type of metallic aluminum-type stance on this, I think that when you get to the nucleus and you get the catalyst of where this technology is overdriving, I really think you're going to get a particle beam view of the, you know, the catastrophic pressure system that's driving this whole infrared particle beam. Okay, so I'm sorry, but you're using up my valuable time.

You're not saying anything, Professor Asmunch, and I'm just going to let you go, all right? Well, if you can let me just make my case real clearly. There's a texture to this that, you know, has some kind of, I'd say, aluminum, maybe a, you know, olive oil type base to it. And there's a catastrophic environmental... Okay, thank you, sir. Well, fuck you then. What? Wait a minute.

Fuck me. Come on. Roger? Why am I the bad guy here? You know, I do this topic, and this guy's, forget it. Let's just move on to the next bit. I don't even want to talk about Professor Charles Asmunch. What a BS king, man.

I mean, it's just, whatever. You know what, Roger? Let's get into, do we have anything else that's real that we can talk about? A real crazy news story? Okay, good. Let's get away from Dr. Charles Asmunch, and let's get into a real Harland Highway crazy news story. The Harland Highway.

Crazy news story. That's weird. That's strange stuff. All right. This is crazy. You might need a barf bag for this one. Guys, are you ready for the crazy new story headline? Penis enhancement surgery results in man's death.

Oh, my gee. Is that not the most horrific male nightmare one could have? Let's get into this story. One man's penis enlargement surgery turned fatal. has become a cautionary tale with doctors in Sweden, warning those desiring to enhance their manhood. I hate that term, manhood. It's just something wrong.

It sounds like Robin Hood. Hello, I'm Robin Hood. Dark penis of the Sherwood Forest. Give me your money, or I will urinate all over you. Here's the story. A healthy 30-year-old man in Stockholm wanted to increase both the girth and the length of his genitals using a process where fat is transferred from his belly to his penis.

You know what, Chubby, if you maybe, you know, went on a diet and lost some of your belly fat, your wiener would look bigger against your body. The man was one of 8,400 people who worldwide seek to enhance their girth every year. yikes uh that's i mean that that that's i don't know i don't even know how they do that um the story goes on to say that surgeons had finished the elongation portion of the

surgery and we're in the enlargement part which involved injecting the patient with two fluid ounces of his own fat cells oh god when things went wrong how about things Things went wrong the minute you're sucking flubber out of your stomach and injecting it into your peen eye. How about things went wrong right there, man? I mean, dude. Like, get some Viagra, bro. Oh. Let's see how the, let's see the fat leaked into his veins.

traveled to his lungs, which resulted in lung embolism, rupturing his blood vessels. The patient who was found to have no prior heart conditions ended up having a heart attack on the operating table, despite attempts from doctors to perform CPR. The man passed away two hours later. Oh, my God. You'd think out of respect for the process. They knew he was dying instead of performing CPR. As a courtesy, do you think maybe one of the nurses could have performed, gee, I won't even say it.

But, I mean, come on, it was like the guy was going down. All he wanted was a big erection. You think one of them could at least give him a goodbye happy ending. You know what I'm saying? Doctor, he's flatlining. All right, get the rubber gloves and the Vaseline. The conclusion of the study said This is the first described case

Where a seemingly simple and safe procedure of penis enlargement Cause sudden death and a healthy young man Yikes That's so scary Surgeons advise against the completely useless surgery because it, quote, never works and because of other horrible consequences from disfigurement to permanent erectile dysfunction and even worse. So, wait a minute, if this thing never works, why would this idiot do it? I don't get it.

I don't get it. It says the majority of men seeking penile elongation treatment have a normal peasant. penis size, which is functionally adequate, and so it has suggested that most patients seeking this elective surgery suffer from body dysmorphic disorder and cannot accurately see their bodies. Okay, well, how about instead of investing in a life-threatening expense of surgery, you invest in a full-length body mirror. Hello! I mean, are you kidding me? this is just tragic and you know you gotta wonder if it goes back to you know if the guy just was self-conscious or had he been mocked had he been on a few dates and the girls you know when he pulled down his pants

did they chuckle what's that what's that little teeny tiny thing did you drop a did you drop a party sausage in your lap what is that is that a cigar butt did you put a cigar butt out on your on your balls I mean I just feel bad for a guy

and you got to figure like if you're going to get it made bigger and wider you know if you're going to go down for the surgery you got to figure anybody who's going to go through that hell is like you know what

since I'm doing it anyways and since I never want to revisit this you know what why don't we make it two and a half feet long and let's say five inches wide basically I want the penis of secretariat

the racehorse how about that I mean how big and how wide do you want it man so I feel sorry for this guy who died for his penis that's not how one should die one should die of old age you know I wouldn't want to read this guy's gravestone

here lies Jonathan Smith for all eternity he will never get up if you know what I mean um so So, RIP to Mr. New Penus, I hope there's an angel in heaven that's, you know, maybe had vaginal reconstruction that's welcoming you with open angel wings. And I'll leave it right there. Oh, it's lovely.

It's just lovely. What do you mean he's back? I don't want to talk to him again. No, he hung up on me. He told me to, I think he said F you and he hung up on me. Don't put them on. Don't put... Oh, God. Roger! Hello, Mr. Williams.

Dr. Asmunch, listen, I don't appreciate you using foul language and hanging up on me, sir. Well, I had to call back because I'm hearing this segment you're doing about the penis enlargement surgery. And, you know, as a professor, this is an area that I think I can enlighten your listeners with and probably do a good job of, you know, walking them through the transmorphication of this kind of delicate procedure. Oh, really? So now you... First, you illuminate us about, you know, the chip technology, so now you're going to fill us in on penis enlargement. Well, I'm detecting sarcasm in your voice, and I understand it. You know, a man with my pedigree with my credentials. it's often not easy to follow the transponder that I keep inside of the copper coil. And if some of your listeners, some of the more elevated listeners,

I get something out of what I have to say, then, you know, there's a fluidity to the cellular structure of what I'm trying to, you know, commemorate. Okay. Do you have something to say? about this penis enlargement surgery or not, sir? Well, if you, you know, if you could lose the hostile tone, Mr. Williams, I'm really here to add to the conversation, not detract from it. Well, then go ahead, sir. We're waiting.

Well, thank you for the opportunity. I think this story is a tragedy, a Greek tragedy. You have a man who went under the knife to, you know, basically reroute the infrastructure of the LCBU, and something happened along the way where, you know, the bacterial enzymes that, you know, coat the arteries, really probably reversed its neurology. And when that happens, the architecture and the infrastructure of the cohesion of the cohesive, you know, particles really start to break down the informative network of how, you know, the communicative possibilities arise within the oral, you know, network of things.

Oh, really? Okay. Well, now I think I'm starting to see it all very clearly, Dr. Charles Asper, Well, it just takes a little illumination. It takes a little deep explaining. But if you rub into the cortex of the affiliation here, you're going to understand that not all of the carbonite, you know, mica-infested larvae are going to have room to really transport themselves into the particle, uh, you know, uh, a Humvee type of situation. Oh, okay. Yeah, please do tell, sir. Well, thank you. And, uh, you know, there's a waxy residue, okay? And this is important. There's a waxy residue that, uh, really becomes a timepiece for the, uh, the unraveling,

the unraveling of the evolutionary, uh, mine melt. And so when people, get their head wrapped around the clasp of this, uh, this transgender, uh, transported, uh, transformative, uh, you know, uh, back rub, uh, palatial, uh, you know, uh, Jurassic era type, uh, carbonation, then you really start to, uh, get the aroma, uh, Mr. Williams, of, uh, the digitized, uh, transfunctionality of uh you know the adjoining uh perspiration oh oh now i see dr charles asmunch thank you so much well okay uh then i think that's it good well then let me return the favor because i think what you just gave us was a big heaping pile of bullshit and you know what like you did to me earlier, uh, fuck you, sir.

Okay. What do you mean, okay? Well, I mean, you know, you gave me the fuck you, right? Yes. Okay, you're supposed to hang up at the end of it. You don't just keep me, you don't hang, you don't stay on the air and, you know, mortify the, uh, the, the ball and piston joint that's, uh, re-regulating the, uh, infrastructure. Okay, well, then...

Let me help you out here. Go something like this, Mr. Williams. Okay. Uh, fuck you. What? Wait a minute. Did he just do it again? God damn.

Roger! What the... I don't want that idiot back. And you know what, Roger, to make sure he doesn't call back, I'm ending the show. Right here. That's it. No, I don't care. Yeah, I know we're going to do more, but forget it. Because you know what? He'll phone back again. Annoying, the guy has nothing to add. He just used up a big chunk of the whole show. And I'm not going to let my listeners be subjected to that kind of abuse.

It's just nothing he says is it makes any sense. Hey, aye, all right. Let's get to some announcements here. folks. If you want to write me, you can write me at harlandwilliams.com. We have a contact link there. We also have a phone number if you want to leave a voicemail. The voicemail number is 323-739-4-3-3-0. It is just a machine, so you don't have to worry about talking to anybody. You can say whatever you want. It takes about six rings to pick up. It's a little old school, but it will pick up. And you have about two minutes. Some people ramble too long, and then they run out of time. And I feel bad because they probably think we hang up on them.

But it's timed out at about two minutes so we don't get messages that are too long. And we would love to hear from you. 323-739-4330. Please lay some of your wisdom on us or whatever you want to lay on us. Also, we have a store at the website. some fun merchandise at harland williams.com also go into our app link and you can get the premium membership for $20 a year you get bonus material you get uh you get all kinds of cool bonus material plus you get every episode of the harland highway ever done and we're coming up

on 900 soon to be a thousand 20 bucks for all that are you kidding me that's pretty good Hey, boo-boo. That's some pretty good stuff right there. Thank, Yogi. And what else can I tell you? Let's see. Let's talk about some of my stand-up comedy gigs. If you go to Harlow Williams.com, you will see my fall tour schedule.

It is up. And hopefully I'm coming to your town and city. We're starting in Portland, Oregon. Yes, indeed. Doodle, September 21st to the 24th at Helium Comedy Club in Portland, Oregon. September 28th to October 1st, I'll be in Schaumburg, Chicago, Illinois at the Improv. Great club. I'm going to love it.

Then in October, October 12 to 15, I'll be in Irvine, California. at the improv at the Spectrum. And then I'll be in Buffalo at the Helium Comedy Club, November 2nd to the 5th. And then off to San Jose, California. I love that club, man. San Jose, November 16th to the 19th. And then up in Edmonton, Alberta,

at Rick Bronson's House of Comedy. That's November 23rd to the 26th. Oh, my God. Just gold, man. classic stand-up comedy all these dates are on the website check it out hopefully you can come out and hang out see the show also thanks for watching puppy dog pals my disney cartoon on disney junior and also uh check out my rock and roll music my album that i did with my cousin kevin herm from the bare naked ladies we have a hobby band called the cousins and our album is out

called Rattlesnake Love. That's on iTunes, The Cousins Rattlesnake Love. You can download songs, and it's cool, man. It's real cool. So that's it for today. Thank you so much for being here. Hope you're having a great summer. Have fun.

Enjoy. And until next time, chicken. Shaomaine, baby? Uh, thank you. Thank you.