The Harland Highway - 895 - It's a show filled with phone calls from listeners. And a BIG fight with ROGER!

Episode Date: August 14, 2017

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Hey there, gorgee girl. It's Harland Williams here on the Harlan Highway. How are you, everybody? Good to have you along. Special show today. Fun show. You know, I always ask you guys and gals to call in, leave your voicemails. And I thought today, you know, because I haven't done this in a long, long time.

I'll usually play a call here, a call there, but I thought, you know what? Today I'm going to dedicate the whole show to take. your phone calls and I will try and respond accordingly and so here we go we have we have all your phone calls lined up these are phone calls that have come in over the months and you know I get a lot of phone messages so I don't have time to get to all of them so I picked some of the ones I really liked here and we're throwing them up some of them are questions concerns requests observations.

Who knows what we get when we look into the answering machine here at the Harland Highway. And by the way, if you ever want to call, please do it. 323-739-4330. It's just an answering machine. You don't have to talk to anyone. And it's kind of old school. It takes about six rings before it picks up.

So here we go. Let's listen to your calls. Thanks for calling. This is, ladies and gentlemen, the Harland Highway. Put on your seatbelt, it's about to get bumpy. Oh, how perfectly awful. I get my kids above the waistline, sunshine. When will they take the bandages off?

We don't know who we are. We don't know where we are. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Let us out of here. Please. Let me tell you. you're starting something here that that's what you should be frightened of

Oh, fuck yeah, bud Just leave us alone Sit down, strap in, and shut up What's going on? What's the matter? I thought maybe if I could kill him, I could make him stop. My mother never breastfed me? She told me she liked me as a friend. Who are we?

This is the Harland Highway. What? It's the Harland Highway. It's a cookbook. Well, I think, Raj, I think I'm in the mood for hearing some phone calls from our faithful listeners, the pavement pounders. Right? We probably have a bunch of great messages from our pavement pounders.

Can we play some, Roger. Okay, cool. So Roger is going to cue those up. And I think I'm going to just spend most of the show taking your calls and responding. We haven't done this in a while, so let's do it, man. Play the first call, Raj. Hello. Hello.

Hi, Ireland. This is your special friend. I love the podcast. I wanted to call and say I love the podcast. Your special friend You go way back Way back Way back

Like so far back I don't even remember Being your special friend But I'm glad you think I'm your special friend I guess you can never have enough friends Especially special friends Right Okay awesome thanks special friend

Raj next caller let's go Let's uh let's uh you know Jump to the next one. Hey, what's up, Arland? This is Tyler. Me and my girlfriend were at your show on Friday at Stand-O-Bloat. We were the couple in the crowd shouting out, Gardner's time machine.

So anyways, and on the lovely girl that was beside me was my girlfriend, Heather. And, yeah, so we really love that story and pretty much everything you do, stand-up, acting, all the above. But I did have a question. And I was wondering, so he said you're going to do more short stories or at least one more. And I was curious as to you what the next one might be about, if you care to share. And don't rush it by the means because you can't rush greatness. I think people say that.

But anyways, take it easy. Good luck in everything you do in the future. And chicken chalmy, baby. Oh, yes, Tyler and his beautiful girlfriend. I remember meeting them after the show at, uh, in, in Phoenix, Arizona, beautiful city, beautiful club, beautiful people, Tyler and his girlfriend. And what Tyler's referring to with the garden hose time machine, he yelled that out during my show. And the garden hose time machine, if you've been listening to my podcast, was a short story I wrote last year about a man who, whenever he put the garden hose to his mouth,

it kind of transported him back in time to some very traumatic and dramatic moments in his life and what I did is as a special treat I read the short story that I wrote in segments and posted them on the podcast so if you're interested in hearing the Gardner's time machine you can go back about a year and look at the podcast

and I think I, you know, I read about, I think, 10 pages per podcast. So you kind of have to, you know, search your way through it. Or if you're a premium member, you got the whole damn story at once because that's how I roll with my premium members. And then I also believe there's a digital download of the whole story. If you want to listen to it all at once on my website at harloweems.com. So you can look for that. there. I believe it's there.

And so to answer your question, I'm so glad you liked the story. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I really appreciate your feedback. And the good news is that the next story is already finished. It's already written, and I've already started recording it. So you're going to have it soon. I'm going to say, I want to say, by the end of August or early September. And once again, I will be doling it out in little segments. But if you're a premium member, if this is an incentive to get you to become a premium member for $20 a year,

you'll get the full story before anyone else gets to hear it. The pavement pounders will hear it chunk by chunk over a series of weeks. and premium members will get to hear it right out of the gate. And as far as the subject matter, this one's an interesting one, man. This one, I'm not going to give it away, but it involves a gentleman who lived in the United States, studied Roman history, moved to Rome in Italy, and became obsessed with the Coliseum. And so something happens with him,

this American man who moves to Italy, something happens with him at the Coliseum in Rome. And it's pretty intense. It's pretty cool, man. And that's all I'm going to give you, okay? The name of the story is they come. they come and

I hope you like it I'm working on it right now and thank you for following up and I will let you know as soon as it's ready to drop as they say so thank you for calling thanks for all your support

thank you for liking the short stories and I look forward to presenting that one to you okay Raj let's do another call this is fun No, Roger, not the special friend. Can we go to the next call, please? Mr. Williams, this is Charles from Texas. I want to tell you a story. This happened today. My friend, his mother died, so today was the funeral. We went to the ceremony at graveside, and as I got out of the car, the funeral director

he came up to me and he said hey man I'm glad you made it and I said what do you mean and he said I talked to you yesterday at the wake and I said no no no that wasn't me and he said oh okay

well you went to wake and I said no so I looked at his he had a name tag on and his name was Bill Burr so me and my wife we walked away and

she said oh my God did you see his name and I said yeah Bill Burt and she said that was crazy

this old man had the same name as Bill Burt and so we went to the funeral we watched the ceremony you know it was not good times

of course then it was over my friend he walked through he hugged my wife he hugged me and I couldn't say anything. My wife started like a small talk

and then he looked at me and I said did you see that guy over there? His name is Bill Burr and I made my friend laugh at his mother's funeral. It was a unique day.

But anyway, love you. Love your podcast. I'll see you later and hopefully my funeral director's name will be Harlan Williams. Have a good day, my friend. Bye. Charles from Texas. Hey, first of all, let's address the obvious.

We are very sorry about the passing of your your friend's family member. Of course, that's nothing to make light of. We always hurt and feel when somebody moves on to the next plane of existence. if it's out there, hopefully. But secondly, I think maybe you were telling me this story because I think I did a bit about, you know,

funerals and dealing with death and trying to put levity into such a grim scenario. You know, when people die, is humor the right thing to inject into a funeral? Is it okay to, is it okay to, goof around and try and put a smile on the face of the bereaved. And I think, in my opinion, the answer is yes. I think humor always helps heal. I mean, as long as it's done tactfully and tastefully,

I think it's always a very good healing tool, humor. I think not just audibly, but I think laughter creates chemicals. And I'm not a doctor, but I'm just theorizing that, Laughter releases chemicals and things into our bodies that maybe help, you know, lighten our spirit and help with our blood pressure and has an effect on our brain and the way the brain, you know, shoots its neurons and all that yada, yada, yada, yada stuff. So it sounds like you felt good that you were able to bring a little smile to your friend's face. I totally support that. I think that's great, too. It sounds like it also gave you a little relief, too.

I think I could sense you were feeling sad and emotional, and I got the sense that the levity during the funeral not only soothed and, you know, help the mood of the people who were suffering the most, but it sounds like it was therapeutic for you as well. So it is funny that the guy's name was Bill Burr, and wouldn't that be ironic if you do bump into a funeral director one day with my name? And you know what, it might just be me. I might switch careers, bro.

I mean, maybe that's a new business for me. Harlan's comedy funeral home, right? Because funeral homes are like so grim and, you know, they're downers. Maybe they should be the new comedy clubs. Maybe you're on to something, bra. You know, they're set up, they're nice. You've got a built-in audience. You know, hundreds of people come to a funeral home to view the body.

They've got rooms. They've got facilities. It smells good. You know, maybe comedians could get up there and do 10, 15 minutes. Just to lighten the load a little bit. Could be a new concept. in modern funeral homes. There you go.

Something to think about. But thank you for sharing and RIP to your friend's family member. And keep on smiling, keep on laughing. I think there's room for humor just about everywhere. Let's take another call, Raj. Dear Harlan, do drones poop? Or do we have to teach drones to poop?

if so we're going to have a lot of drone poop in our hands you're going to be drones pooping everywhere pooping in yards pooping in fences pooping everywhere just drones pooping everywhere we're going to have an epidemic yes good good good thought

very good question do drones poop hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex That's what you want it to be better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com.

This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Well, if they did, they'd probably poop batteries. And, you know, that's going to be a painful poop. You know, your average bird, their poop is the consistency of yogurt, maybe Tatsiki.

Maybe a milkshake. But a drone pooping, man, I mean, that could be like a duracel copper top on your freaking head. Fonk! That could, like, take you out. You know, they say if a penny drops on your head from, like, an airplane, it'll go right through you. So what's a drone, you know, a drone poop goes right through the drone, and then it defecates from, you know, 8,000 feet or however, high up it is. Does a drone turn on your head. That could be lethal, man. And then if it's like

an Amazon.com drone, well, it could poop a flat screen TV or a microwave or a toaster oven on your head. Damn, boy. So these are very good questions, man. But in reality, and I know you already know the answer. I don't think drones poop. But I think again, you know, just like the stand-up comedy funeral homes, I think this is something that should be looked into. You know

how humans are always looking to play practical jokes and be goofy and ho-ho, look what I can do. I've got a squirt gun, I've got to smell the rose on my lapel. Squirt, oh, right in your eye. So you know

someone out there is going to invent, and it might be based off of this podcast, drone poop. And he'll create, you know, you can fix your cell phone to a drone and fly it into the sky. Well, some guy will invent a little, you know, remote-controlled pouch full of white, gooey stuff that imitates seagull crap. And it'll be like the practical joke of the droneers, right? They'll attach it to their drone, and then they can fly it over wherever they, they want and with a little touch on their cell phone, they can drop a load.

So you think I'm joking? I'm actually, this is probably going to happen. So as of today, my friend, I don't think drones poop. But, beware, I have a feeling there's a drone shitstorm coming. Roger, next call, please. A man walks into a bar and suffers a major concussion and traumatic brain injury. You might have to sweeten that up at the end there. Okay, thanks for dumping your unfinished joke on me, bro.

I think that sounded like one of those, you know, a guy walks into a bar jokes. that's if this this joke teller was simply too lazy to have an ending and he he he dumped it on me it's incumbent on me now to come up with an end of this this joke Jesus let's see what I can do a man walks into a bar and suffers a major concussion and traumatic brain injury and an old guy sitting at the bar says bartender give me a beer for that guy with a lot of extra head on it.

Right? No? Right. Like, you know, you get head on your beer? Because if this guy suffered traumatic brain injury, he'd want a new head. And so I put the two together and then I criss cry. Oh, forget it. How dare you know, this is what happens when people abandon the responsibility of their punchlines for their jokes.

and dumped them on a hapless old fool like me. I did my best, bro. In the future, just, you know, finish your jokes. Have some self-respect, man. If you're going to call in and don't put the pressure on me, finish them. You finish it's like a little kid. You finish your dinner, young man.

You finish your beans are no dessert. Well, I'm scolding you now. You finish your jokes, young man. Or no more phone messages. Darn you, a little scamp. All right, that was too much pressure. Raj, can we go to another call that I'm not beleaguered with having to finish the joke or the call?

Hey, Harlan, it's Gabriel from Long Beach. Listen, I just heard this last episode with Signor Flentes. and I think it's time somebody told you the truth and that is you need to can that sad sack of shit Roger that guy lets everybody in that you tell him not to he's constantly mocking you behind your back he's constantly back talking

never does a damn thing you say you got every reason in the world to just put that guy to the curb Roger you're just nothing but a wasteoid dude it's time for an engineer with some dignity and some self-respect

and more than anything some allegiance towards Harlan make this podcast better you on the other hand sir you need to just take your terrible latitude somewhere else chicken chown main baby Oh, uh-oh, Roger.

Yeah. Oh, I'm looking at Roger through the glass right now. Dude, I've never seen that expression on your face, Raj. I mean, you just got called out, bro. And now that I think about what the pavement pounder said there, you know, you do tend a lot to tend to let a lot of, like, people in my studio that I don't want. Am I right? wrong yes yes what you're agreeing that you've you've been a pain in the ass yes okay so you admitted why are you doing it just to fuck with me bro no well why do you do it then man i don't know well because

that guy made some pretty you know heavy accusations and some of them were were pretty accurate roger sorry i can't hear you your headphones are oh no something wrong with your mic no there's nothing wrong with my headphones or my mic you can hear me just fine now we're going to talk about this bro because i you know this guy's right you maybe i should get someone new what yes someone who doesn't like invite people into my studio backstab me get these horrible guests that always hang up on me i mean you know unless maybe you're willing to apologize you're kidding me no i'm not i think i'm owed an apology by you. Right now? Yes. I mean, why not?

Okay. Okay. Go for it. An apology from Roger. I hope this makes my listeners happy. And I hope this changes thing, Roger. So let's go. Here we go. Roger is apologizing to me for being a douche. Okay, Roger. Go ahead. Say your sorry. You don't have to snap at me. I'm not snapping, okay? I'm just saying, let's clean the slate. My listener is right.

I don't want to get rid of you, but I think something needs to change. And I think if we start with an apology, we can start a clean slate. So I'm giving you, I'm not snapping. I'm giving you the airwaves right now to say you're sorry. Go for it. Okay. Okay, you have the floor. Here's Roger's apology.

I'm sorry. Harland. There. See? Simple. Now we wipe the slate clean. We're back to ground zero. That wasn't so hard, was it? Like my tape. What? I didn't say anything. No, no. I heard you. I play the tape back. I heard you make a comment, a rude comment to me. And this is just what my listeners are talking about. The lack of respect, the lack of professionalism. What do you? Are you laughing at me? Roger you son of a bit fuck get back here

get what you fuck he walked he walked out of the studio oh my god okay okay I'm on my own in here the guy did you hear what he said

I think he said lick my taint all right this is to be continued oh my god I am steaming thank you caller for bringing this to my attention. Unbelievable. Maybe it's time. Maybe it's time I got someone new. I'm just teed it up now, man.

You know what? I'm gonna, I think I gotta stop the show, man. I'm just, I'm pissed. Lick my taint, he says to me. I ask for an apology. I get lick my taint. Son of a bitch. You were right, caller.

You are absolutely right. That guy lets everybody in that you tell him not to. He's constantly mocking you behind your back. He's constantly back talking. Never does a damn thing you say. You've got every reason in the world to just put that guy to the curb. Roger, you're just nothing but a wasteoid, dude. Thank you for your support, man.

You know what, this is to be continued. I don't like to go up and talk to my boss. Mr. Featherstone on the 12th floor, because I think he's more condescending and undercuts me even more than Roger, but I think it's time for some damn changes around here. And I think I'm going to go up, and I'm going to demand that Mr. Featherstone gets me a new engineer. Because if my listeners, my faithful listeners are feeling this kind of negativity and this condescension, then, you know, that's not good for the show.

So I'm going to go up there and I'm going to have it out with Featherstone and I'm going to demand a new engineer and we'll see where this goes. But thank you for lighting a fire under my ass, sir. You are so right. You're 100% right. And Roger's not even coming. I know he's not going to come back for the rest of the show. He just walked out and laughing. I think he even had his middle finger up when I saw the door closing.

What a douche, man. Oh, okay, so now I've got my marching orders for the next podcast. I'm going to confront Featherstone, and we're going to clean this shit up, bro. And as you can tell, I'm a little rattled. You know, it started off with a bunch of fun phone calls from people, and then all of a sudden this kind of can. Diana worms became uncanned and unwirmed or whatever the term is. And so, to be continued, let me just end the show with some announcements.

Visit our website, harlonewilms.com. You can write to me there. You can even call me and give me your opinion about Roger, if you want. 323-739, 4330. You can write me at the website. Don't forget we have a store there. You can go buy some fun merchandise. Also, you can join our premium membership, which I talked about earlier,

where you get bonus things like the comedy and all that stuff and the short stories and stuff like that. There are benefits to being a premium member, and you get to, you get to, what am I trying to say here? Oh, you get all the episodes we've ever done. And sorry, I'm a little frazzled thanks to this Roger kerfuffle. But you get all the episodes we've ever done of the Harland Highway. So it's all cool and awesome.

What else? What else? That's about it. Please check my website for my stand-up comedy dates. My fall tour is now posted. I might be at a city near you. Starting in September, I will be in Portland, Oregon, at Helium. Then I'll be in Chicago, in Sharm.

Illinois at the improv and then I'm going to be in Edmonton and San Jose and Buffalo and Irvine and just all over the country man so check that out and and also don't forget to get our free app for your cell phone just go into your app store and you can download our app and listen to the Harland Highway wherever you want to go it's completely free you get the 50 latest episodes of the show and if you want all of them like I said premium membership $20 a year that's it and that's it for today I don't have any fancy big closing it's just kind of a weird ending with Rogers you know walking out on me and being a douche so we'll pick it up next episode thank you for being here everybody and let's see where this soap opera

ends. That's it for today. I'm going to go put some cucumbers on my eyes and calm down. Thanks for all your phone calls. Love hearing from you guys. Here's the number again if you decide you want to leave a message. 323-739, 4330. And until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby.