The Harland Highway - 898 - SOLAR ECLIPSE madness! Korean NEWS! Sexual scars!

Episode Date: August 24, 2017

We get a call from someone who stared into the SOLAR ECLIPSE! A caller with a PENIS SECRET! North Korean NEWS! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Harland Highway at your service. How may we help you? Okay, no, we don't want this show to become an infomercial or a tech support system. This is just a straight, good old-fashioned fun podcast. It's the Harlan Highway. I'm your host, Harland Williams. Thank you for being here. We're going to provide you with some laughter and merriment here today.

We're going to be talking about the solar eclipse. Yes, a big event just has. It happened. Solar eclipse. Yes. It went really good. It was crazy. We'll talk about it. Also, I think we have someone, you know, they tell us not to look into the solar eclipse. And I think we have someone calling in who actually might have been blinded or suffered severe eye damage by actually looking into the solar eclipse. So we're going to take a call from that individual. I feel sad. for them. Also, a call from a pavement pounder has a very unusual scar on his body. And I'll give you a hint, it looks like a black penis. Very interesting stuff. So we'll be talking about his black penis. And North Korean news, of course. I mean, North Korea's heating up. So we got to have the news. It's all here today on your favorite podcast, The Harland. Put on your seatbelt. It's about to get bumpy.

Oh, how perfectly awful. I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine. When will they take the bandages off? We don't know who we are. We don't know where we are. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Let us out of here. Please! Let me tell you. you're starting something here that that's what you should be frightened of

oh fuck yeah bud just leave us alone sit down strap in and shut up what's going on what's the matter i thought maybe if i could kill him i could make him stop my mother never breastfed me she told me she liked me he's a friend who are we this is the harland highway what it's the Harland Highway. It's a cup! It's a cup! Oh, boy. It happened.

Yeah. Did you see it? The total eclipse of the sun? Oh my God! It was so... Ooh, ah, everyone was talking about it. Everyone was like, ugh, the moon is passing in front of the sun. I mean, this eclipse was like on the news for like nine million hours.

It was like the second coming of Christ, except it was just the moon passing in front of the sun for, I think, about four or five minutes. I mean, okay, scientifically, astronomically, astronomically. it's interesting, but is it worth all the hoopla? Do you not see the sunset at night, folks? Do you not see the sun go down behind the horizon line and disappear and it gets dark? Is it really all that different when the goddamn sun and the moon cross paths and it gets dark? I don't know.

I guess it's fascinating. It's a rarity I remember I remember there was I remember there was a an eclipse when I was a little boy I remember buying the glasses my mom buying me the glasses

How often does someone buy your glasses so you can purposely stare into the sun your whole life You're like, don't stare into the sun You'll go blind you stupid fuck Okay mom thanks Well, you know, you kids, you're so stupid. You're just a bunch of dumb fucks.

All right, mom, relax. So someone buys you eyewear to stare blatantly into the sun. But then not only that, they buy it for you when the sun's at its ultimate maximum potency. It's maximum illumination. Apparently the brightness of the sun during a, you know, an eclipse is enough to melt your eye sockets or blind you or something. And, of course, as a kid, you know, how many of you, and I did it, how many of you are like, oh, I'll just take a quick, quick peek.

I'll take a quick peek up at the sun. What's all the hoopla? What's this blind stuff all about? I'm going to, I'm going to, I'll break that theory. I'm going to look at it. And I remember as a little kid, I took a quick look. And even when the eclipse happened, you know, just like a day ago, two days ago, guess who the idiot was that, you know, tried to take a quick peek, me?

Yeah, I put my fingers up over my eyes, right? And thought, oh, if I kind of obstructed it, I'll just peek through the little gaps in my fingers. it's just so dumb it's just what it's it's it's what makes us humans such morons it's like we just have to find we just have to try things and i probably looked up at it for for you know a quarter of a second which is like boop poop i couldn't even see anything because i was too afraid but uh you know people people like is camped out people i have a buddy and and god bless I respect the guy.

He's a great guy. But a buddy of mine wrote, texted me and said, Hey, man, you want to, like, go on a trip and go watch the eclipse? And I'm like, what? He goes, yeah, let's, let's, you know, let's jump on a plane or let's, you know,

let's go somewhere and watch the eclipse. And I'm like, what? Again, I said, what? And I declined. It was nice of them to offer, but, you know, to me, it's not that big of a thing. If you told me the sun was like, was it going to explode or smash into a planet or start shooting fire darts? Well, then you got my attention.

So this buddy of mine, again, who's a great guy, and I'm not mocking him because he might be listening. I love the guy. He's a buddy. But this guy got on a plane from Los Angeles and flew all the way up to Oregon. to, you know, sit out in a field with a bunch of strangers and watch the sky go dark for 10 minutes. And I'm like, good God. Like, that's just anticlimactic. You know, you got to kind of get the feeling when it happens.

There's this euphoric like, woo, we're all in this together. Yay, we're all sitting in lawn chairs. And apparently there was thousands of people at this event, this eclipse galley. and you're probably like oh we're special what a fun group where we're so adventurous and then all of a sudden the moon and the sun cross paths it gets dark in the middle of the day and everyone's like woo yay cheer yeah I can see some stars and then about six minutes later it's light again and you got to imagine it's like a bad one-nighter right you know when you

When you take the fat girl home or the ugly girl home at the end of the night, she's the last one in the bar. Her face is in a bowl of pretzels. There's a little bit of vomit on the side of her cheek, right? And you go home drunk to the motel six with her and you just have at it. And then the sun comes in in the morning and hits your eyes and you wake up in the crusty Motel 6 bed. your eyes flutter open and you look over and you're like, there she is.

And you're just like, what the hell was I thinking? And you look at each other and you don't know what to say and you can't get out of there fast enough. You can't wait to scrape the vomit and the urine off your body and get the hell out of there. So I can only imagine at the end of the eclipse event, all of a sudden it gets bright again and everyone takes off their space goggles

and look at each other and kind of go it's light again we drove all the way for this like the sun's out like where'd you come from bro? Oh, I flew all the way from Los Angeles Oh, you, you did? Yeah.

To watch the sun and the moon go across each other's path? Yeah. Okay, well, you're a fucking idiot, bro. No, I mean, I don't, I get it. People do things for a reason, but it had to be kind of weird when the sun came back out, and they're all just standing there looking at each other, like, um, okay, well, um, it's light again,

So I guess I'll get back to work And I guess I'll drop the kids off at daycare And I got to go shopping And I was going to do some tanning later Now that the sun's out I guess I can resume And then people just dispersed Like you can't stand around and talk about it's like

Oh my God Did you see how dark it got? Oh my God I saw like 12 stars bro Oh my God Can you believe Did you see? the way the sun passed the moon went in front of the sun and like five minutes of darkness

in the middle of the day oh like what what so I don't know sometimes the hype is bigger than the event but it must have been like just people leaving and dispersing and driving away after this weird moment of darkness. So, hey, God bless you for your adventurous spirit. I'm not mocking you. I'm just pointing out it's a bit of an odd thing to do. But if that's your bag, man, then so be it. We all have our thing.

So I hope you didn't hurt your eyes. And what? Hold on. Rogers sending me a little thing in my earpiece here. Someone got their eyes burnt? Okay, Roger's telling me we have a collar on the line Who got their eyes burnt and they can't see Oh, this is horrible.

They looked up at the solar eclipse? Oh my God. So what's that got to do with us? What? Okay, Roger just told me that someone wants to sue us Because we didn't warn them to not look at the sun? How is this on us? because we're because yeah i know it's a broadcast it's a podcast we we put information out there

into the ether but it's not incumbent on us to to warn people how to safeguard their eyes this guy wants to sue us who the hell is it who dave dimmel wait a minute is this the guy that that tried to sue us like a month ago because he burnt he burnt his mouth on hot chocolate and he couldn't talk? You got to be kidding me. No, I don't want to talk to him. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes.

The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. they offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order.

Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select anything. any one item, it could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive

offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Roger, don't put them on. Don't, don't you put this guy on. He can't talk. He can't see. I don't want to talk. Oh, God. Hello, Mr. Lerlo. Hello? Hello, Mr. Riem. Is this Mr. Dimmel, Dave Dimmel? Yeah, the man, and I mean, so crap.

Pardon me, sir? I'm not in no lying. You're funny. I didn't know what I didn't know the problem of my crap. Okay. Roger, this is not going to go well. Is there a reason why... I feel me so, but I wonder why you're doing the water eclipse about the solar eclipse.

Did you say solar eclipse, Mr. Dimmel? Yes, and my eyes are burnt and I can't see anything. Did you say your eyes are burnt and you can't see anything? Yeah, and I'm walking around and I think, whoa, wow, wow!

Hello? Hello? Yeah, I don't know, I'm just dumped into the walls, for something thing. What, you, you bumped into a wall? And I can't talk to my mouth had done from the hot soccer, and my lawyer is going to talk about that. This is ridiculous. Hello.

Yeah, I'm feeling you, oh. What is happening there? What is happening there? Ah, ha, ha. And you're smogging me, a fucking wall. Wait, you walked into another wall? Yeah, if you don't fault, because you can tell them your living is about the solar eclipse. If this is about the solar eclipse,

whoa, hello? Ah! What is happening there? Hello? Hello? I keep walking into the docking wall because my eyes are down to fuck. Did you just say your eyes are burnt to fuck? Oh, that's right, and I can't see a thing, and my fucking melted bat, and I can't tell, and now I can't do...

Oh! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell is he doing? Hello? Roger, do you hear anything? Mr. Dimmel? Mr. Dimmel, are you there, sir?

Roger, this guy just fall down some stairs? He can't fucking see. I can't understand a thing he's saying. His mouth is all jacked up. His eyes are burnt. Hello, sir. Okay, well, this is not good. Oh, there we got someone.

Hello, sir. Are you okay? Do you need us to call someone, sir? I think he hurt himself, Roger. Do you want us to call 911, Mr. Dimmel? Oh, my God. Sir? Okay.

I fell down the stairs. You fell down the stairs? Yeah, I went on the fucking wall, and then I hit the fall in there, and then I slipped over the couch, and then I fell down the fucking stairs. I went all the way down the stairs, and then I hit my head on the fucking door knob. You tripped on the couch. I can barely understand this, sir. Yeah, the Mexican Union tell me about the bucket is all the crap,

and I have a lot of fucking shut it off. Okay, I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry about your ailments. We are not responsible for your eyes. We are not responsible for you burning your tongue on hot chocolate. Sir, I have to go. The onion's show them how up on the hell. Oh, ow, out.

Oh, my God. Hang up on him, Roger. God. Holy Jesus. I'm completely stressed now. This Dave Dimmel guy and he, but his lord, is he, good Lord. We better not hear from his lawyer. I don't want to hear back from him.

I mean, come on, man. This guy is careless with his own health. First, he burns his lips and his tongue with boiling hot chocolate. Tries to pin it on us. Now he goes out and stares directly into the solar eclipse and says we should have warned him. But how are we the voice of reason? reason for this guy. You know what? I don't want to hear back from him. He's got his own life. I got a

podcast to do. Roger, play a commercial. Let's move the hell on. God. For the shortest days of the year, stretch your time by shopping at K&B. K&B has the EPP pregnancy test kit single for just 1049. The double just 1399. The eight count replens moisturizer is just 1049. Ginalotrum and cream, cream disposable, or seven count inserts, just 1099 and the combo pack or seven count pre-filled applicators is just 1449 at knb when the days are short real long and convenient at your nearby knb drugstore personally yours we interrupt this podcast for an important north korean news update they're all right there's My house to come, come.

Yeah, that's So, then, let's some do you and go Let's go. Our house is this apartment, you know. So, yeah. Nathes,

there's some time Yeah, yeah, I've got some a few Oh, a second got Oh,

that's a school that's there's a daughter than a daughter's Oh, oh, yeah,

year's time, yeah, Yonnam when Yonam when when he's when he's

when here, ha, ha, We now return to our regularly scheduled programming, and we'll keep you updated as the news unfolds. Hello? Hello? Hey Harlan. It's me and Trevor.

Mr. Barbecue Guy. I don't take my shirt off because I have a surgery scar. um usually people tell me you know you need to embrace your what makes you different surgery scars well that's just a that's just a mark of strength well my surgery scar um although yes i did uh i did undergo a pretty pretty extensive extensive heart surgery um it looks like a penis and uh since since i had to get a skin graft from a african-american donor it's you can you can imagine i'm the i'm the black weiner guy but you know not only not not weiner but the d word so i don't go to barbecues uh just for just for the sake of i don't want to fall deeper into depression

thank you good day okay listen i hear you brosuf um so just in case to put this in context. I did a Harland Highway question of the day a while back and asked, are you the person at the barbecue that doesn't take your clothes off? Well, everyone else is jumping around swimming and splashing

and, you know, sunbathing. You're the guy in the black shirt and the blue jeans sitting on the chair looking really out of place. And a few people called in and said they were that guy, including this pavement pounder. Thank you for sharing

Now, I got to be honest, first of all, I'm not sure if I believe at 100%. It sounds a little bit out there, a little comedic. I can't tell if you're messing with me or not. You could be, which is totally fine because I like it when people mess with me. But in the event that you're for real, that you have a heart surgery scar, where they had to do a skin graph from an African-American gentleman on to you and the scar healed and looked like a penis

and in this case a black penis okay going with that scenario I'm going to run with it here and say I hear you man I'm sympathetic I can see how that would be embarrassing and that would be awkward but at the same time, you know, you could also use humor as a way to deflect all the awkwardness. Humor is a great healer.

Humor is a great way to ease people's tensions and trepidations. And so if you peeled your shirt off and all of a sudden this image of a black penis was, I'm assuming it's across your chest, if you had heart, surgery. I mean, there's just an unlimited amount of comedy here, and I'm not mocking you. I'm not making fun of you, but I'm trying to help you take a bad situation and make it work in your favor. And there's all kinds of lines and humor and, you know, you can say stuff like you

think, this one's big, you should see the one in my pants. Or you can say, like, yeah, I got two dick. one white one black can't we all just get along you know or you know what i mean like like you know people uh people will will be polite and not comment but if you're at a barbecue there's probably going to be drunk people and eventually it'll get around a hey man what the fuck's that thing on your chest and you can just say oh it's a mole it's a it's a mole shaped like a black cock You know, people, I talked about this recently, how people see things in stains on the wall,

they see Mother Mary crying blood, they see Jesus on a piece of toast, they see God on a potato chip. Why can't you be the, I see a black penis on your chest guy? And it sounds like you said at the end about, you know, sinking into deeper depression, and I don't like that.

If this is real, I don't want you to be depressed. And what's the opposite of depression? Joy, laughter, merriment. So why don't you take a weird situation and stop thinking of it as weird? Stop thinking of it as awkward. And maybe think of it as unique and special and different. And embrace your black penis.

Hug your black penis. Love your black penis. And when you go to parties, you know it'll be an icebreaker, a topic of conversation, and have some fun with it. And that way, it's not like a gray cloud over your head, or in this case, a black penis over your heart. You see what I'm saying here? And I hope you're getting the gist of this and that you can understand the fun. because here's the thing, Buds. Okay, let's pretend we're buds.

Life is too short, man. Okay? Life is too short to worry about what people think. Just get out there and flaunt it and say, fuck you, this is me. I went through a heart surgery where I could have died. I'm happy to be alive. I'm happy to be alive to tell you about the black penis on my chest.

just thank God it wasn't a brain tumor and now I have a tea bag on my face 24-7 okay imagine if they put the black penis on your forehead bro so look at look at the small things look at be grateful for what you have man and make light of it have fun with it and you know if someone ever got too serious about it with you and was trying to be cruel and mean tell them to go fuck themselves But you shouldn't have to hide. You shouldn't have to feel bad. You can't help it that you needed heart surgery, bro. You should celebrate that you made it through.

You know, a lot of people don't make it through heart surgery. It sounds scary to me. I don't know what you went through, but, man, if you were on an operating table and it was dark and you were out and they opened you up, dude, celebrate your black cock. Be proud of it. It's like a scar. It's like if you got mauled by a bear or got bitten by a shark, show off your scar, man.

Show off your war wound and say, I'm a fucking survivor. Suck my black dick or whatever. I don't, you don't have to say it like that, but you know what I mean, dude? Like, like, you know, wear it like a badge of honor.

Wear that black cock on your chest. By the way, is it right above your boobs? Because, no, I shouldn't go there. But just to embrace it, man. Life's way too short to let other people drag you down. Don't be depressed. Be happy. And, you know, you only live once.

Just tell people it's a tattoo. You know, tell people you were in the Black Panthers. Tell people you were in a gang. Tell people you just love black penis. And you're proud to wear one on your chest. You know, I don't know. You've got to tell the story, but I'm telling you, man, if you use humor and you just, you know, throw caution to the wind

and don't give a crap what anyone says or thinks, you're going to have a lot of fun pool parties and barbecues. You think everyone at the party is perfect? Look around, man. There's probably fat people. There's probably skinny people. There's probably people with moles. There's probably people with scars.

There's probably people with cellulite. There's people with stretch marks. There's people with hair coming out. There's people. I mean, dude, you're not alone. So just enjoy yourself and forget about it. And if somebody has an issue with it, well, that's on them. It's not on you.

From here on in, bro, you walk around and be the proud owner of a big black dick. Not many white guys can say that, okay? Not many white guys can say that. In fact, you might be the jealous guy at the party, bro. Instead of, you think people are going to make fun of you, you might get all kinds of respect. You might get, whoa. Whoa, who's that dude, man?

Whoa, that guy's got balls and a black dick. Whoa. So I'm just saying, man. I'm trying to help you through this, okay? So embrace it Walk tall, walk proud, walk erect And enjoy the freaking Barbecues and pool parties, bro

All right? Yeah! By George, I think he's got it. So there you go. A happy, uplifting, optimistic view of the world. And this applies to all of you pavement pounders. Take the things in life that you might think are negatives and turn them into positives, okay? This is the lesson we learn

from old black dick nipples McGillicuddy. Now, I say we just end the show on a high note like that. I mean, that was inspirational, man. That was moving and inspirational. Let's talk about what's coming up, man. Oh, my God, I'm off to Burning Man next week. Holy crap. I'm off to Burning Man next week.

So I'll have some stories for you every year. This will be my third year going to Burning Man. And like I've said to all of you, if you get a chance in life to get out there, I'll tell you what, speaking of acceptance, my friend with the black dick on his chest, Burning Man is a place just so you know where everything is accepted. There's no judgment. There's no titles. There's no labels.

When you get there, people don't ask you what you do or where you work or how much you make for a living. It's a festival about just people and acceptance. And you know how people greed at Burning Man? Mostly they just walk up and they hug. They embrace. And that's the theme of Burning Man. It's full-on acceptance and love. And so, you know, maybe Burning Man's a place for you.

My friend with the black penis on his chest, maybe that's a place where you could learn a life lesson. and get through being self-conscious and walk around. It's in the desert. You could walk around with your top off, and I'm telling you, bro, people would see your black dick and just walk up and hug you. And you would not need to hide it. People walk around naked there, man.

So here's my suggestion for you. Pretend I'm your doctor. I'm not really a doctor. Pretend I'm your doctor. And instead of giving you a pill or sending you to a psychiatrist or putting you under the knife to have your, your penis circumcised, your black penis. Here's my prescription for you.

I want you to go to Burning Man. Next year, I want you to go to Burning Man and walk around with your shirt off. And I want you to get a new perspective and a new pride and a new less inhibited outlook on life. And I want you to change the way you think about your big, long, proud black penis. So there you go, bro.

That's my diagnosis, my prognosis, my recommendation. Maybe that's a great place to start. Go to Burning Man, get topless, and you'll see. You will be hugged. You will be embraced. You will be welcomed. That might be a good place to start to get you back. If, in fact, all this is real.

I don't know if it is, but after all this, advice, I kind of hope it is. But either way, it provided for a fun segment. So I'm off to Burning, man. But then my false comedy tour starts in September, okay? I will be in Portland, Oregon, September 21st through the 24th at the Helium Comedy Club. And then I go to Chicago, September 28th to October 1st. and then I'm off to Irvine, California at the Improv, October 12th to the 15th and so on and so on. Go to Harlandwilliams.com. Check my stand-up comedy tour link. And you can see if I'm coming to your town or city.

I would love to see you at the shows. I'm going to take a sip of Coke. My mouth is dry. also at harlem williams.com you can check out our store we have great merchandise we will ship it to you fun t-shirts music artwork all kinds of stuff DVDs comedy specials also if you want to call me and leave your own voice message uh the phone numbers at the website 323 739 43330 323 739, 433.30. It takes about five or six rings to get through. It's an old school answering machine, so, you know, just enjoy it. Get on there and leave me a message. You can also just write me if you want. There's a contact link. If you'd rather send me an email, I read them all. I listen to all the voicemails. Love hearing from you guys. Also, while you're there, go to the app link and you can become a premium member. of the podcast where you'll get special downloads from time to time that I do

and you'll also be able to listen to every single episode we've ever done of the Harland Highway, which is coming up on 900. Oh my God, hard to believe. 20 bucks a year and you're in, man. So that's tons of entertainment just for you. If you like this podcast, imagine if you could listen to 900 episodes of it.

Yeah. So there you go. What else? Also, don't forget to check out iTunes. My new rock and roll album is out. The Cousins, Rattlesnake Love. Check it out on iTunes. Listen to my music with my cousin Kevin Hearn from the Bear Naked Ladies Band.

And hopefully you like some of our tunes, baby. What else? I think that's it, man. Thanks for everyone who's been checking out my new Disney cartoon, Puppy Dog Pals. I've been getting great tweets and pictures of people with their children and pictures of their kids watching the show and pictures of their kids with the new toys. The Puppy Dog Pall toys have started coming out in all the stores. So thank you everyone for your support.

And it sounds like everyone's loving the show. So thank you, thank you. I'm so proud of it. And that's it, man. That's all we got. I'll give you an update on my car. Carmel Corn the Pug stand-up comedy special, working hard editing that right now.

We'll keep you posted on that as things evolve. And that's it for today, man. I hope you had a good time. Keep it real in the deal. And until next time, everybody, chicken. Chalmy, baby? Now, I keep walking into the docking wall because my eye is that the fuck.

Thank you.