The Harland Highway - 900 - THE 900th EPISODE! With special guest THEO VON, Hilarious!

Episode Date: August 31, 2017

We celebrate episode 900 with one of the funniest guys in comedy today, Theo Von. Absolutely HILARIOUS! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. Do you know what this podcast is, ladies and gentlemen? Do you know? This is a very special, special podcast for a number of reasons, but the first one is this is number 900. This is our 900th Harland Highway podcast. Oh my God.

I can't believe it. I mean, just incredible. Incredible. I didn't know when we started. We'd get to 9. And so to celebrate this very special, special episode, I thought, let's have a very, very special, amazing guest. And so today we are going to be joined by just one of the best funniest comedians, I think, out there in the world today. This guy just cracks me up, a wonderful guy, really nice guy, but just super fresh, original and funny.

I didn't even really find out about him until about a year ago. And man, he cracks me up. So he's with us all day. Theo Vaughn is his name. Theo Vaughn. And we're going to be talking about life, love, death, hamsters, just about everything under the sun. And at the end of the show, we'll play our famous game too soon or not too soon. So here we go.

Number 900, this is the Harlan Highway. Put on your seatbelt, it's about to get bumpy. Oh, how perfectly awful. I get my kids above the waistline, suction. When will they take the bandages off? We don't know who we are. We don't know where we are. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

Let us out of here! please let me tell you you're starting something here that that's what you should be frightened of oh fuck yeah bud just leave us alone sit down strap in and shut up what's going on what's the matter i thought maybe if i could kill him i could make him stop my mother never breastfed me she told me she liked me he's a friend who are we this is the harland highway what it's the harland highway Hey, everybody. This is Harland Williams, and you're rolling down the Harland Highway here at the Harland Highway Studios on the 12th floor on Olive in Burbank. And what a show today, man.

It's like, you know, sometimes you go to Arby's and they have like a roast beef special or a Golden Corral and they have a shrimp platter special. I got a fucking comedy special today. I got a very special. I guess he's going to be with us all show he's a comedian he's an actor he's a producer I think he was in Cirque de Soleil for the early years uh ladies and gentlemen welcome funny funny funny fella uh the yo vaun is here hey bud hey arlin how are you bro good to see i was i actually got involved with cirque de sale early oh yeah what tell me about it was just solet oh

it was just son you know soley mean son right yeah and it was a lot of people i did okay okay yeah I did know that and it's it was people it was a skin cancer research oh so it's like the melanoma that that was what that was the name of the show wasn't it circ to salet melanoma and I hear you went through a lot of cast members because a lot of them passed past we had some really tough times we actually had to take a U-Haul we took a U-Haul we took a u-hole we took a yaw full of empty caskets when we hit the road wow by the time that we got back to uh minotanka minnesota the thing that they were full did they shut melanoma down uh I don't think we beat it but I'll say this, we put a den in it.

Wow, dude. And did you have like a skin tart, a leotard and stuff? I did. I was actually in this, I hope this in defense of, I was skin tarded. You were skin tarded, yeah. I was covered in a special tard. Oh, wow. And they even had like a body gloss kind of.

They came out with like a couple of men in our group. Love the company of other men and glitter and glitter. And that's sometimes simultaneous. And they made a special iridescent kind of like skin, like gloss. would keep the sun off of you. So would your, would your melanoma scabs glow in the dark? Was that the thing?

Was that why they did it? You know, if you were up like north, like in Alaska, you could see them at night. Wow. You know? Wow.

And so you had to twirl and tumble and did you shoot out of a cannon or? No, it was more like there were, some people were in hospice. So we had to like it. It was, yeah, we had hospital beds. This was the dark time.

This was the early. This is like Cirque, like dusk. Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly. DUS could have been a good name for our group. Yeah.

But yeah, this was just when it was Soleil before people really got their legs under them and got athletic. Wow, dude. It was melanoma research traveling, sort of like a traveling melanoma show. And then I heard you got out because you got an injury. It's very athletic. And what happened? You did some kind of cartwheel or a flip? I don't even know, but I heard you injured yourself.

We had a guy, he could have been, I think it was maybe a Chinese guy, I think. Yeah, Asian. Yeah, he could have been Asian. It also could have been a Mexican guy who'd been in a fire. Oh, wow. Sometimes hard to tell the difference there a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, kind of just. Ripple texture.

Yeah, he had that ripple texture. Popcorn. Yeah, like when he was little, somebody threw a pebble into the middle of his stomach and it just kind of reverberated throughout his skin forever. She's Sharpay. Was that his name? I don't know. It sounds like it might have been.

So what happened? No, he came up with a no-handed cartwheel. and that took three of our people out and I was one of them what like what is that what is it no handy cartwheel so you run as fast as you can and you do a cartwheel but you can't put your hands down wow so you're like is it off the crown of your head your head's not supposed to hit the ground

so it's just air like you jump high and do a cartwheel and you can't touch yeah and I didn't jump and I just kind of rolled off my own head and uh wow yeah and out and out and that's where I was out the sun went down for you yeah dude that was it it man that was uh that was my eclipse dude if you will you know did you see the eclipse it just happened like about a week or two ago i took a peek at it man and i what i'll do is i watch animals when there's something real happening in nature yeah i do what animals do because i don't

a lot of them didn't give a damn yeah you know to be honest with you a lot of them could care really less dude you know and i even put a wiji board out by my buddy's cat the night before to see if he knew anything and uh not much it's probably easy for a cat to use a Ouija board because it's M-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-O-W. So they don't have to do a lot of moving. Four letters is all you got to know. There's only like 11 letters in the cat vocabulary. Is that right? I think so. Yeah. Yeah. And well, this guy, he wasn't saying much. He was keeping, he was holding his cards close to the vest, you know. Wow. But I left the Ouija board out there with him for about an hour. And he would like use, you know, kick the thing around and like, you know, and just kind of scratch his back on stuff, show me his beehole a few times.

Yeah, they get that little perky, like, Kalamari ring. Yeah, I mean, it's things. It's pink, right? Oh, this one was more of a lavender, I think, because I think falls coming. Oh, yeah, their assholes change with the seasons, right? Oh, dude, it's like one of those mood rings. Oh, they're mood, like mood anus? It's like mood anus, yeah.

You know what? I feel like catch, you know how they're kind of like pompous? You know, they walk around and they're kind of. They're French. They're better than the rest. of us they're friends i think cats need to i don't know if you're in on investments or what but you want to open a cat anus bleaching clinic i'm just talking about money now maybe we shouldn't i mean look i'll bleach the anus you hold you deal with the front of them while i'm bleaching it i'll hold the

claws that's where the dark arts is going to be up front santa claus um here's what i did for the uh the the uh the solar eclipse yeah i love you know i'm a cook i love cuisine i and so I love me the smell of just a, you know, you smell bacon frying and it goes through the house. I love me the smell of like sizzling iris. And so I just peaked up for about 10 minutes, I stared at it. And just that, that waft of my irises like just simmering, sizzling. Yeah. And I just love the smell.

I couldn't eat them, but I love the smell. Yeah, dude, Sunnyside Harlan, man. That's our favorite way to see you, man. Wow. So that's our intro with Theo. That's just, we haven't even got to. the questions yet. But this is just our intro to like get comfy.

They just busted a man in our town with a, uh, with a 30 pound bag of hamster bones on him. Yep, they got him. They got him, baby. How many hamsters you think that is, new friend? Just guess, just throw a number out of your face with your brain. How many you think, Daddy? 200 what you think sir

400 huh 300 let's get a lady down here what do you think young lady 100 hamsters okay man it's about 2,000 hamsters guys so close not bad guesses man

had a fella yesterday guess seven hamsters I'm like sir you think 30 pounds of hamster bone came out of seven hamsters? You got Galapagos hamsters, brother? He's got them

rideable hamsters. Yeah, come on, nibbles. We laid for church. Yeah. Yeah, they busted this dude, man. Had a pillow case with 30 pounds of hamster bones in it in the back of a Toyota terseil.

And my buddy's like, what they charge him with? I'm like, with working for Satan, brother. With freelancing for Voldemort, Daddy Bear. The dude had 30 pounds of hamster bones. The ivory of Arkansas. I don't give a damn what he was doing, dude. They got him. They got him, man.

It's wild, man. We've come up with a couple of good business ideas, but yeah, I watch animals. When Mother Nature's happened, I see what animals are doing, because it's in their genetics. They know what's going on, you know? You're right.

It's like when the tsunami happened, apparently all the critters like ran to the hills somehow. Yeah. Even cows are going uphill. Yeah. Ants even, even ants, I heard. They only got about 11 feet. But yeah, a lot of people were like, holy smoke, all the ants are heading to the top of our house.

They noticed that. How crazy is that? Why are they so smart like that? Why do they have that intuition? Well, what makes sense is to what's interesting to me is we, that makes me believe that we could be more aliens because the fact that we don't get that, that they're queued into the nature, into the Wi-Fi. And we're just sitting out here, you know, and we don't have the code kind of, you know. But on the other side, we invented the internet and went to the moon, so fuck them, really. That's a good point, too.

Can we say that? Fuck nature? I think, I mean, I think you can. I don't know if we should. It's probably bad karma. Yeah, but fuck nature, but we're just joking. We're kidding. Yeah.

Fuck nature. Ha, ha, ha. Yeah, man. But I think, yeah, I mean, I hope that one day we get to a planet and it has like bison or some animals are already going on. Bison. Yeah. There's a couple canaries.

Yeah, like there's bison Roman Pluto or Jupiter. Wow, like wild her. like kind of it'd be it'd be sweet justice because didn't we eradicate like hundreds of millions of bison across the great plains of the united states originally yeah bye bye by there's a album out there by by byson oh really who sings it um i'm not sure buffalo springsteen it might be it might be wow yeah one of the few uh one of the few jewish mammals buffalo springsteen springsteen i think it originally was and he changed it yeah to you know it was yeah i have I have a buffalo skull hanging over my bed.

Really? Yeah. I don't know if you want to see it later. You could lay down and just, I don't have to be in the bed with you, but if you want to lay down and just see what it feels like for me to sleep. If you want, just for like four minutes,

I can put a timer on. Oh, yeah, I'd love that. I have a buffalo skull nap. Well, I don't want to zone. Yeah. It doesn't seem like kind of place I want to zone out, you know?

No, you don't want to pass right out, but just get into that mid fog before you go right out. Yeah. And have a buffalo skull nap in my, in my water bed, bro. I love that, too. If you want to, I don't ask everyone to do that.

Yeah, no. I'd take a buffalo skull map in your bed. Yeah, right. In your bed. Is it a water bed? It's a water bed. And I have a buffalo hide as my comforterber. Really?

Yeah, it's actually a buffalo hide. So it's like this thick hair. Oh, my God. You'll be nice and warm. Yeah. Unreal. And do you have yellow fever pillows? I do.

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Jeepers, dude. Jeepers, creepers. But yeah, I watch animals. I watch animals when nature's going on. You're going back to the animals. Well, I just, yeah. Apparently you love them. Apparently you love them. They know, do. Well, I grew up selling hamsters. You know that.

Oh, wait a minute. You sold like the pet shop? Yeah. You sold them. I grew up in a hamster breeding area. I grew up in the stray animal belt. Where is that? Do I know? It's like kind of like, it's like Missouri on down in northern Florida, sort of like in the stray animal belt. In that band, yeah. Domestic or I guess it's got to be domestic, right? Well, I mean, you know, you put enough of them together. It doesn't feel like they're, you

You know, they're domestic once you get them in the hands of children. Yeah. But before that, I mean, I remember falling asleep at night listening to thousands of guinea pigs in the distance, you know? Wow. And so you sold them for how much? We told them $4, I think, was the top price we would get for them. Who's buying a hamster, bra?

People, Americans, you know, probably other people that were coming up here to try to get in the ham game, you know? But I, look, I don't want to knock your industry, but I'm thinking I'm walking around. I want maybe a hot dog. for lunch. Yeah. Maybe I see a Walmart and go,

hmm, I wonder if they've got like flippers and a snorkel on sale. I don't know that a hamster's in my, in my wheelhouse. But you'd be surprised, man, hamster's one of the first,

they're like a starter pet, dude. Yeah. Basically, a lot of kids learn that their grandparents are going to die from hamsters. It's like hamsters are that dying animal.

They're that animal that sacrifices itself so that children can learn about death. Wow. Yeah, first it's, you know, nibbles and then it's, uh,

Nancy, you know? it's like a lot of times that's that starter animal they'll even get once a grandparent dies a lot of parents will get that hamps for a child yeah let it pass away three or four days later especially circus hamps yeah you get a hamps yeah they're dead in a week dude have you ever put a hamster in a hamper like a laundry hamper uh-uh that's just a thing for me to you to try it could be a new thing wow a hampt a hamster yeah a hamster or a hamper that has a cape that has like a wall built into the front that can have hamsters in it yeah go put the clothes in your hamster and you do it you fly to the hamptons yeah put your hamster in the hamper and sell sea cells by the sea shore bro and you make enough money and move to new hampshire yeah yeah dude it's over well bro now i see where you're gone yeah man and that's yeah that's alliteration i think or consonants i don't know which one it is

you know what's interesting i find it's very odd when you go to the pet stop store and you you You go in there and you just think you maybe want a puppy or a goldfish, but then all of a sudden hamsters and then rats. And it's like, Daddy, can I have a pet that carried the bubonic plague? Can I have a black death rodent please, Daddy? And then when Daddy says no, then the kid goes, oh, how about that? A boa constrictor. Could I get an animal that when I'm asleep will constrict the air out of my fucking body?

No. Well, Daddy, how about the black? scorpion or the tarantula. Have you seen what pet shops are selling these days? Dude, it's almost like Edgar Allan Poe. It's like an egg around pose little livestock. Yeah, right. It's really the dark arts in there, man.

A buddy of mine bought a raven out of a pet shop. Yeah. No, we did. They're illegal. I've looked online. You can't, you can't buy them as pets. They used to have a few. Where?

Yeah. Well, that is so raven, dude. That is so raven. I don't know where they are now, you know. Wow. I mean, you go online. It's actually a fact. It's illegal to have a pet crow.

You can't buy them. But they're one of the smartest birds in the animal kingdom. Yeah. So what happened with his raven? I'm dying to hear. Oh, he got a raven. And I want to say a lot of bad stuff started happening in their neighborhood. Oh, so it was like mystical.

It was like lightning. Whoa. What else? Ground lightning or air lightning? It looked like a little bit of both. It looked like two or two lightnings from each one, to meet up. Wow. So it looked like there was like lightning get-togethers happening. Wow. Wow. Wow. Um, a wishing well. Wow. Really? Yeah. All the wishes disappeared.

Disappeared. Wow. So people were running around just wondering, you know, if what they hope was going to happen was really going to happen, you know. Well, let me ask you this. And you don't have to tell me if it gets too terrifying, but I'm picturing a school brick house with a room full of like, you know, fifth graders. Yeah. Boys and goes maybe 60 in the classroom. Teachers up at the chalkboard. She turns around and the children's eyes are bleeding.

Did any of that happen? I don't know how bad it got, you know, but there was a lot of lice that a lot of lice showed up. Lice. Well, I grew up in the lice. Yeah, I grew up in the lice belt. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

And I remember one time they had two violence strands of lice that came through. Wow. Those are the things that eat your scalp, right? Yeah. Oh, real. I mean, there was one group they were, well, first of all, they used to, they used to call them Italians where I'm from because they showed up in groups and bothered you, you know? Oh, yeah, they got to tell you. They call lice that.

But I remember one year, two violent strands of lice came through. And you could hear one of them when they came into town, you know, with their trucks and shooting guns in the air. Wait, how much do they weigh these lice? Really small. Like pounds or ounces? Oh, less than ounces. Not you couldn't, if you had seven them on your finger, you couldn't even feel the weight of them.

Well, then I don't know if I can believe in lice. Because if I can't see something, bro. Oh, you could see them. You couldn't just feel the weight of them. You'd probably have to have about 600 of them on your finger to feel it kind of weigh your thumb down a little bit. So you'd have to have a lot on you. But they probably have 40,000 them could drive a truck.

Because they'd smother the wheel. Yeah. And so they'd all run to one side of the wheel and it would turn. So if you hear, the way you know, lice are driving a truck is when you hear whoa right I wonder do lice eat rice

oh I mean I think one piece of rice would feed of probably a million lice and I don't see why we don't make a commercial for that rice lice well just like for just one cent a decade you can feed 20 billion lice lice with rice now did your friend ever take

take his raven to a rave? Oh, I doubt that. Yeah. It seems like you'd want to, though. It's in their name. That's true. I think the kids would love it. But I remember what happened with the lice was this one boy got two violent strands of lice on a scalp at the same time.

Oh, come on. Oh, and it was like, I don't know if you've ever seen, uh, sometimes they come back, that movie. Uh, with, uh, Stephen King film. Oh, the Tim Matheson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I don't know if you've ever seen Gettysburg. That's what everybody. called him Gettysburg because he had this just war going on in his head.

So, wait, so one strand of lice was on one side of the scalp. Yep. And did the guy have a part in the middle of his head? Oh, he didn't in the beginning, but by the end he did. By the end, he had a nice, even part. So maybe it was a blessing. Oh, if you put your ear up to his hair line, you could hear just like cannons. Hold the line.

Wow. You can hear all kinds of. Lice war. Oh, you not for your country. You can hear all. I mean, it was crazy, dude. Wow. but what I don't I'm were they fighting for the hair is that what like what was the

back I know the civil war in America yeah I know what that was for yeah but what was what are the what a lice what's the outcome what do they want I don't know we don't know they just they just go to battle and when it's over they're like see you next time type of like there's no I think it's just scalp to scalp you know I think they don't they don't think big picture and that's one of the problems with lice yeah real dummies yeah Probably not one of the brightest. Probably not one of the smartest critters I've ever heard of. Yeah, dumbbells.

Yeah, dumbbells, really. Now, I know we're trying, we got to stay with the lice, because this is hot. This is hot for teacher, but I got to pop back to the Raven for a second. Yeah. I feel like you, have you ever seen a honey glazed donut? Yeah. I feel like you kind of honey glazed right by the Raven. Yeah.

And here's the thing. Ravens are very close to crows. Crows. People confuse them all the time, and I know that a group of crows is called a murder of crows. But what is a group of Ravens guy? Baltimore, I think. Isn't that the Baltimore Ravens? It's a team. I think it's called a team. A team of Ravens.

Fuck yeah. That was right under my nose, and I didn't even, how could I not know that? But yeah, but I think that's, you know, that's obviously a murder and a team. A murder and a team. And ironically, a lot of the Baltimore Ravens have been convicted or accused of murder. which is true yeah makes sense yeah for sure but uh but yeah i don't know man i remember that they had this raven people were scared there was lightning i remember um some kid uh wishing well yeah a wishing the wish all the wishes disappeared you know i'm trying

to think of what else happened around that time did anyone's ankles like turn inwards and they walked like a crab or anything or no we had a couple of kids that were i don't want to say there was It had been like a long line of incest, you know, because incest, first degree incest, yeah. That's nothing. That's just somebody who can be a psychic, you know? Yeah, yeah. You get second degree incest.

That's when, you know, one of your eyes looks back inside of you, you know? Yeah. So you can kind of see your thoughts working. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get down third, fourth degree incest, that's when you start getting crab foot. Yeah, you know, that's when you start getting elk elbows. Elk elbow, yeah, you know, you know the ones that fold inward. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know. Do you know, now the ruts coming up in the fall, do you know, can you still do you still do the elk call when they're mating or could you ever do that it's like a whistling like i don't know no okay i didn't that that maybe someone was lying when they told me about that yeah i couldn't do i couldn't do a lot of calls man i'm trying to think no that's okay um but yeah we had a raven yeah and then uh basically just a lot of g pigs hamps but then the stray animal belt i mean you see animals pass through town uh harland that you couldn't even imagine alapaca keats You know, you'd see...

Those are from South America, right? Some of them. Chimpe and ebrus. You know? What's that? A mixture of a chimp and a zebra? Yeah. So it's like a striped chimpanzee.

Oh, beautiful. The beetle juice of the ape kingdom. 100%. I mean, it's like Christmas for your eyeballs, man. Wow. It's like Christmas and Easter at once, you know? Wow. It's like, oh, damn, this rabbit brought us gifts, you know?

Yeah. Beautiful time. But yeah, a lot of amazing animalia. And these were animals that weren't going to make it in the kingdom so god would send just one-offs and outtakes to us you know so you get an animal passing by that really didn't even have a game plan or know what it was you had animals looking for water looking for the ocean we're like dude we're in louisiana like what what critters are looking for the ocean um i remember one time they had a it was basically it was like a spinal column

right with a little bit of fur on it yeah okay and a tongue at the front what was that i don't know a glaze worm or something i don't know somebody threw it though i remember this one big kid and we ended up making love to his school teacher for a while. His name was Clint. His name was Clint. Clint. Oh, lucky kid. Clint Torres.

Everybody called him Clint Torres. Yeah. But I remember he picked this thing up and threw it, man. And I think a dog went and caught it. So, wait, it was a spinal column with a light, slight bit of hair. Yeah, not much. Yeah. Like an anteater tongue or just like a dog tongue?

Good tongue. A good long tongue. Good long tongue. And the tongue would almost flap out and then pull the body up. behind it so the tongue was almost its feet you know yeah it's like the severed hand and the fingers keep pulling it across the floor yeah looking for a beer yeah you ever see that one because some of those hands are well a lot of some of those hands are alcoholics yeah yeah just he goes right for the fridge oh yeah pulls the door open and has a a paps blue ribbon right some of them

do spousal abuse too if they've had too many beers i saw one i was driving to uh minnesota about four years and there was just a hand on the side of the road, hitchhiking, the thumb up. Oh, yeah? Yeah, and I was going to pick it up, but it looked, I don't know, it had scars on it. And I thought, it might be a bad hand. Yeah. So I just kept on rolling. Is that wrong?

Everyone needs a hand. I mean, right? You didn't that day, man. I don't think everybody does. Yeah. You know, and especially a lot of roadside hands, man. I saw a hand attached to an entire human body one time on the side of the road. And it's back when they had full hitchhikers.

And I pick up this guy, a gentleman, an older gentleman. He could have been, who knows, anywhere from probably maybe 50 to 200. Yeah, yeah. Oh, a highlander. Yeah, definitely, dude. This guy was in the Alps of age, you know. And he gets in the car and he goes, you want a cold beer? And I was like, yeah, I'll take a cold beer.

You know, I'm driving, but not far. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So he breaks me out of beer, right? It was one I didn't like. It was Bush, you know, B-U-S-C-H, you know, because they misspelled it. I like my bush spelled correctly. You know what I'm saying? So B-U-S-H.

Yeah. Bush. Yeah. Is there a Bush beer? Like B-U-S-H? Does B-U-S-C-H? That's it. Okay.

Yeah. So you wanted it spelled correctly. Yeah, I'm going to drink. I'm going to drink responsibly. Yeah, yeah. And so. And so then I said, I'll have, I prefer a Miller light. You know, I don't want to say no to his beer.

I just want to say what I preferred. Of course. Reaches into his jacket, dude, pulls out an ice-cold Miller-light. In his jacket He had a beer He had a bar jacket Wow magic man You heard of a lab coat?

Yeah Well that one has drugs in it This is bar coat Bar jacket or something Yeah Wow And you drank it Drink it right there

Driving with him And then this man told me A really interesting story Actually he goes You know one time I got picked up By a man And once I get in the car He starts driving faster

Faster faster faster He goes And the next thing I realize There's three cops chasing us Right He goes This man was in a high-speed chase from the police and picked me up, right?

You were in the car? No, I wasn't, but this guy who I picked up told me this story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in it. He got picked up. Yeah. And he goes, and I said, did you ask him why? He goes, yeah, I asked him.

I said, well, why did you pick me up if you're in a high-speed chase from the police? He goes, because I don't want to die alone. That's what he called him, dude. And they ended up lodging the car into a cornfield. Yeah. And the police came, guns drawn, took the guy back to jail. And then the guy said, yeah, this guy was just the innocent bystand artist picked him up. He was just serving beer.

You know, this guy was just trying to peddle a couple of chill. What a life turner. Yeah. I used to sell hamsters, man. I did my first job. Because I grew up in a hamster breeding area. Yeah, you could hear them at night. They make love at night.

It is kind of, it's nice, actually, you open the window, you know. Hear them in the distance. Kind of sounds like the ocean. little bit but with a little more squeak to it wake up with a little musk on your neck you know yeah my first job we used to sell a branded hamsters and guinea pigs outside of concerts and raves yeah because they would brand them you know they had a man in our town he bred hamsters another man did tattoo work they met at a picnic Boom, that's big business.

It's actually called a merger, actually. And they would brand them with whatever band was coming to town. They'd put an insignia on the side of that little hamster. You know? It's a hamster. They're going to live two weeks. Let them fucking turn up, man. A hamster can't get a tat.

He's lit. He's got a 17-day lifespan. He can't get tatted up and go. to a rave? When did y'all turn into hamster parents? That's what I want to know. Yeah, they'd brand them with whatever band was coming. ACDC, they put like an ACDC on its side.

Green Day, G.D., 311, Sublime, Gerald Levert. They would. And we'd get out there and sell them at the race. raves and concerts. Because people leaving concerts, what are they on, sir? What are they under the influence of if they're leaving a concert, possibly? Alcohol. That's right, brother. Alcohol.

Drugs, weed, uppers, downers, rounders, side-splitters, daddy. Ecstasy pills. Ecstasy pills. And you approach them with that hamster? That warm, furry, living, lively little Eclare of the Lord. You set that thing in their hands, they buy it for $20 every time. First time Green Day came through town, I mean almost $600 selling tattooed hamsters and guinea pigs to people on ecstasy. And I don't know how many that is, so we're even, guys.

Yeah, dude, bizarre. But he had to work. You know, there's only opportunities we had. Well, I think on that note, let's get into the show. Let's ask a few questions. Yeah, let's start it, man. I mean, we might as well get it going. I think we're getting warmed up.

I'm ready, man, you know. Let me ask you this, Theo. Mm-hmm. Have you ever thrown something through the air and hit someone with it? Like a rock, an apple, a snowball? I think every kid in their life or even an adult has just thrown something. Right. And it hits somebody or something.

Yeah. What was your moment? What did you throw? Well, you say snow cone. And first of all, that makes me think, have you ever seen a big girl at a snow cone in the rain? No. Oh, say that again? Have you ever seen a big girl eat a snow cone in the rain?

Oh, a big girl. No. Oh, I mean, it's biblical for your, it's biblical. Wow. Yeah, take your heart to another place, dude. It's like putting your heart on a warm grill. Wow. Oh, did you see this?

Oh, I've seen it a bunch of times, man. I grew up in a cone country, snow cone country. Yeah. Not the things that, you know, dogs wear to put themselves from, not those. No, not the cone so they can't it. Yeah. But wouldn't that be fun to put shaved ice in one of those and numb a dog's face? And then just lick it.

The dog was passive until you licked it all the way down. A dog snow cone and skirt raspberry foam. flavoring on it. We use that instead of tranquilizers now. That's so crazy. All right. So what did you throw? Did you ever throw anything?

I had a bad plan when I was young. What happened? Me and a kid were angry at the rich children, right? Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. We had an idea. I said, well, look, I'm going to go hang out around the rich kids, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Keep them busy occupied with some stories and maybe some light, you know, you know, just light chatter. Yeah, chit-chat. And I said, and you get this rock. You go over there in the distance, throw this rock into the crowd, and you'll hit one of them, right? Yeah, yeah. He said, we got us a plan, right? Yeah.

And we shook on it. Yeah, yeah. So. Your buddy, what was his name? His name was Hoover, Jeremy Hoover. Jeremy Hoover, good name. Mentally challenged, but played it off better than anybody ever met in my life. Dude, they didn't know to leave was 30.

Wow, wow. Okay. So Hoover, who's mental, you're asking. a kid who's mental to throw a rock oh dude he had liver in his head no brain but was his aim good i mean i figure you you put a mental kid in front of a barn and say hit the wall and he he you know he hits something else yeah so what happened he's what yeah well here's what he did so he walked off probably about 30 yards yeah had a chunk of cement throws it up into the air right i get into this conversation i'm telling everybody a story hits me right in the head knock he hit you

Knock me out, yeah. Out cold. Out cold, dude. Had to go to the principal's office, right? But lucky for you, there were rich kids who had money to help you get the health care you needed, right? I turned on him. I got so angry at him. I got so angry at him, I ratted him out because it could have been anybody.

Some people thought maybe God was coming. It was a meteor. Some kids started yelling. He got hit by space. That's what some kids started yelling. You thought you were Joe Dirt. Some kid drew a pinagram on me. Like people didn't know what to do.

I woke up, a dead sheep was by me. Wow. People didn't know what to do. And then I got angry at him. Yeah. And he ended up getting suspended. And I had to take two days off school anyway. I was out, man.

Yeah, you were traumatized. Forget about the physical anxiety. You were probably mentally traumatized because rain man threw a chunk of concrete at your face. Dude, there was, and there was 150 kids. There was only one kid he did it. He couldn't hit, and that was me. And he drilled me. He did kill, though, about 98 light.

Lice on your head, yeah. Well, here's, this, this is a great story. And we're going to circle back to it because I noticed you cleverly, like, put it on another kid. The question was, what have you ever thrown? Right. And you avoided it. So that tells me there's a real story, but we're going to circle back to it. Okay.

I think you're holding out on the listeners, and they don't like that. Okay, I'm sorry, guys. No, we're going to, we're going to come back to it because you deflected and, you know, went to the mental kid. Yeah. But we're going to come back. Next question. Do you believe an alien? You believe that aliens land on Earth and put chips in people.

And if not, Theo Vaughn, please explain the little tiny incision scar on your lower back. I do have a little tiny incision scar. You have a little tiny scar on your lower back. I don't know what it's from. Theo. Well, somebody said that I was, they, I was, they, I was, they kind of had a drawstring me up. the end you know what it mean when you were coming out no when i was done oh with the alien yeah when i was worn i was done being born my skin didn't all the way get to meet up with itself wow and so they

had to do a little bit of drawstring and nothing fancy you know yeah because you got a little tiny scar right yeah and the chicks love it at the beats are like what's that you know do you lift weights you know they're always asking me questions you know or we maybe i i always just assumed you were attacked by a baby shark like a little infant one like a four incher i also had a dreams when i was young that it was from um somebody with a very small jackhammer got me oh wow because we used to have a lot of like construction workers and did you ever have a builder bob the toy set builder bob i saw it though because he he had a jackhammer and like a drill and everything and maybe you know how the lego guys come alive maybe builder bob was trying to dig into your lower vertebrae one night when you were

snoozing maybe it's like l5s1 whatever that is some type of removal it's a disc removal is that what it's called l5s1 yeah the insurance i had that's probably was something like it would cover too it's like a bob the builder yes i flax cover that because i'm with aflac i don't know dude no i think it covers i better check after this podcast unlimited duck milk though from aflac really duck milk yeah isn't it nice to have a duck selling you life and fire and health insurance, a talking fucking duck. Well, first of all, a duck would die in a fire. Fire beats duck every time.

Yeah, that's like rock paper scissors. Yeah. Duck, leukemia, paper. Yeah. Dead duck, right? Every time. Bird flu, rock, scissors, duck. Asthma.

Dead. Yeah. As you know, Theo, there are seven dwarfs, right? You know the seven dwarfs. Yeah, risky. You know there was an eighth name Risks. That was my question. I was like you're psychic

My question is there's an eight dwarf What would his name be and what did he do? Oh, it was risky Risky So he played the board game And he moved away dude You know what I heard is he lost He got ashamed because he lost all his money

In a glitter mining Whoa And a lot of people forget that glitter for a time Was pitched as a popular oar You know An ore, yeah Yeah I mean it was

It went diamond gold I think leather or hard leather yeah yeah yeah and then glitter glitter and ore and glitter was just a scam though

yeah you know it was just a sparkly scheme have you ever put glitter on your face for any occasion you don't have to tell if you don't want I just saw your eyes shift really weird but I'm trying to think if I have or not

that kind of tells me yes I have I think I've had it before I think I've hugged like a a lot of senior women now we'll put on this polisher on their skin you know because they like to look shiny even though they're dying yeah yeah and uh and a lot of them will have some glitter kind of hidden away and you know and you go up and hug them you hug a couple seniors and um because i grew up in you know

there was a lot of uh hospice care around us and a lot of just people would just train their seniors down trainfuls of seniors coming down by us you know because i grew up in a town that was founded in the turpentine business shoot back when do you do people know how turpentine's made even oh out of pine trees it is yeah can you get just briefly because you throw that word out there and most people listening are like the in their head it's like what how is it made and then please turpentine you basically have to boil hot pine and the sap right out of it right yeah and then you can make turpentine out of that people would lose i'm bit it i'll tell you say you you step in a thing of turpentine leave your foot in there for two minutes dude what

you only have that's you that foot isn't yours anymore that's like down to the bone oh man tyne is king dude and they i mean this back time time was king anyway yeah time and then we moved along people wanted to chip paint off people came afraid of paint yeah huge there was paint fear yeah kids were eating paint like chips yeah because people wanted to remember what it was like you ever sit in front of the tv on a nice like you know Thursday night it's raining out you put on a soap opera eat a nice bowl of like Sherwin-William chips oh, dude, mint chocolate chips had a whole

new theme at my house, man. Wow. Yeah, the chips were all you know, Burgundy. I remember we got a big hot pack of Burgundy chips one time. Burgundy, is that like Burgundy? Yeah. Where is it, is Burgundy that you're throwing a twang or is that? That's from India. From India.

Yeah. We get the Burgundy. Oh, wow. But we called it Burgundy. Burgundy. Like my hot Magandi, you know. Mahatma Gandhi. Where's that guy these days? I don't know, dude. I mean, I remember when he was selling paint and then he really, he took it to the next level with that peacefulness. Is he dead? You know, I don't think so.

In your mind? I mean, I think if you ask anybody, I don't think he's dead, you know, because he's alive. He's alive. But yeah, so I think I don't know if I answered it or not, but. No, you did. You did. All your answers are really good, except for the. first one about the thing being thrown and we're going to come back to it we're going to

come back to it yes we have to know something you threw yeah not your friends but we're going to come back does Theo von remember the first time he ever got his hand on a booby oh yeah when where and who well there was a there was a man in our town who was a Elvis impersonator okay but we didn't need

an Elvis there's only 400 people in town yeah so basically he's an alcoholic and he wouldn't get any work he would always advertise that he could do the work but you know there's only nine families we don't know nobody needs an Elvis yeah right you know I mean and sometimes they would give him uh exuberant they dress they'd let him dress up like Santa and wave at the trains coming in and though uh around Christmas but that's just seasonal money yeah right that's not year that's not year long money yeah but anyway he had four children and he um and he actually one thing that's wild about life is if you if you really want something you'll get it sometimes he broke his hip one time this man so to save yeah but to save money they set it in cement at the house right just wheelbarred him around where he needed to get out yeah yeah and it healed up fine but when they broke the cast off they broke over the sled chamber right re broke his hip in like six places yeah so after that he developed kind of like this tick talk in his hip yeah so that just increased his ability to be elvis probably raised his asking price too

Probably, yeah, another $40, right? Yeah, sure. Problem is still no need for Elvis in town. Yeah. So that was it. There was no demand. He had all the supply, you know? He had all the supply.

But he had four children. He made him stay in the yard to save money. Yeah. In this background, I mean, money, when they left the gate, dude, money left your wallet. That was his motto. Yeah, yeah. You know? And one of his kids used to vomit on the school bus because they didn't have a, they didn't have a refrigerator.

They only had a freezer. eat ice cream because that's all they had you know so he'd have a lot of breakfast cream yeah and then the shaking on the school bus and they can god yeah all all four of the kids or just the one boy he had three girls okay um named june july and phillips that was the third girl's name right june july and phillips so two of them grew up to be playboy center folds yeah and one of them worked in the stereo industry yeah got it i think yeah could have been it yeah and then um and one of them one time let me fill her breasts over there through the barbed wire what through barbed wire first tea i ever touched baby through some sweet barbed wire which one um june the oldest one wow it wasn't how old were you oh probably 12 and were you just flipping out was that like a huge moment exciting oh i was fired up dude right i mean i was erect i could have pet the dog through that fence with my erection you know but why was it why was she on the other side of

barbed wire to save money they kept them in the in the yard to save money okay i was pitching her on the school bus vomiting getting into a school surrounded by barbed wire separating the boys and the girls and you reached through and touched her vomit soaked sweater and squeezed her hooter no that sounds like a i love that that school i'd put a child in there if i had yeah yeah a private school sure um and it was through the clothes or was it Under the clothes. It was, uh, this was on the outside of the clothes. Outside.

But still the first time I'd ever been allowed to touch a woman in that area. And you could feel the heat coming out of that thing. I mean, God, like it was just a meteor head. Yeah, it's like the ariola is just radiating, like, titty heat. Oh, just like, I mean, just like the, you know, it was just like, uh, it was just like the devil's nose, you know, it felt like. And I remember this. The devil's nose.

Yeah. Her nipple. Oh, I remember that I remember that touching it and I also remember it didn't it wasn't really a tit yet. Oh.

You know? It was like kind of they called them mosquito bites. Yeah, it was a chest. It was just like my chest. Oh, it was flat. But it was hers. Oh, really?

But it was gonna be a tit. And I knew that my hand. So you were visualizing? Oh, my hand. I approached it like a huge full tit. Yeah, right. like a handful yeah that's how my hand approached it and then my hand had to slowly come to the actuality flatten right out yeah just straight out almost had to reach palm first that's how flat it was yeah

like almost oh but it was still magic you know yeah i guess you could have probably just gone inside and rubbed a wall yeah but it wasn't that wall probably wouldn't uh you know that wall didn't have as much heat coming out of it that wall didn't have the devil's nose on it yeah and maybe if had brushed on a light switch, that might have felt like the devil's But that's plastic. Maybe you put a bunch of cotton on a light switch. Yeah, yeah. Nested.

But then the first time I ever touched a fool in this girl who looked like a boy. Here we go. There was a girl who looked like a boy. Oh, God. And that took the edge off on that. Oh, well, it was just easy because it was like if you were afraid to talk to girls. Yeah. You could talk to her because it was almost like talking to yourself.

She looked like a boy. Like what kind of feature? It was just like a boy. Yeah. Had a haircut like a boy. He's only had one haircut in our town. We only had one haircut. What was it?

Kind of like this Polish lesbian cut. Polish lesbian. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Because our bus driver used to cut our hair. Mr. Raymond, and he's passed now. He's with Christ or elsewhere, depending on what choices he made. Yeah, yeah.

But Mr. Raymond was our bus driver, and he was a barber. And on Thursday, he would hold your money up. He'd park the bus. He'd hold your money up $2. He'd get up, get his shears out of his bag. and he'd go up and down the aisle and clip everybody out. Damn. That had their money up.

In the bus. Yep, right there. And then sweep it all out. He's got to sweep the bus at the end of the day anyway. Yeah. You know, so he's killing 40 birds with one scissors. Well, wait. Did this man girl at least have a sweet, sweet, tender-loving, girly voice?

Or did she have a deep, like, voice like a man, like a boy, too? She had boy features, man. But what was her voice like? Like a whispering boy. Kind of. Really? Like a whispering boy. Like a boy that could whisper, you know.

Wow, that made it almost creepier. It did a little bit, but she cared about me. Yeah. And that's what I remember, you know. Okay. I remember she cared about me and that felt good. That feels nice, doesn't it? When a girl boy cares about you?

Yeah. She bought me a catcher's mitt one time for Christmas. I didn't even play baseball. Yeah. And she got me that. There was some love there. And she got me a, what's one of those things you throw back in the old days to kill someone? A boomerang?

No. It has a hard part on the front that's sharp. Oh, a spear? Yeah. She gave you a spear. She gave me a spear for my birthday. Wow, wooden or metal? Both, wooden at the back and then a little bit of metal at the front for the death.

Oh, my God. What a catch. And you let her go? Yeah. I think so. I don't remember what happened, but I do remember that. I see you think about her a lot. We went to the movies.

Him, sorry. Her. Her. Her. Her. Yeah, you went to the movies And she let me touch head breast You know

Oh, and it was a big one this time It was better than the first one And was it, did you get to the flesh Or was it through the clothes again? Flesh city, man. Really? Oh, flesh and then I felt everything on her I kept feeling on her stomach Arm pits, back, shoulders

In the theater Oh, dude Full body massage I gave this one Wow, did you like put Did you go out in the lobby And get some of that golden butter topping Oil her down? I should have, dude.

Dude, yeah. Oh, man, I was eating, I mean, I would have eaten snow caps off her shoulder blades. Wow. And that she just, I was so erect, I just remember. Did it go up in front of the projector? Like, you know what people put their hand in front of the projector and it shows up? Your wiener went up? Holy shit.

I hope it was a submarine movie. Dude. I remember. just being so erect that I didn't even know who I was anymore. Wouldn't that be funny if a raven landed on the tip of it? Oh, wow. Well, that I could have seen, man, because that raven was doing all kinds of stuff around town.

The team of ravens on the end of your mushroom cap. Well, I remember seeing that raven one night could open a dumpster with his beak. Yeah, that's what I mean. They're very, they save ravens are probably one of the most intelligent birds. I saw one do a jigsaw puzzle of a ferry boat. Oh, God. Going down the Mississippi.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. I know one, one time I saw one that took a man's glasses off of a man, right? Whoa. And then put him on to his wife. Yeah. And the wife never knew she needed glasses.

And at that moment realized that she had bad sight. That sounds like a good thing the Raven did. Yeah. Because it sounds like everything else was kind of bad and ominous. But that sounds like a good thing. I saw a raven once, I was at a research facility up in Manchester, New York, and a raven flew in an open window in one of the labs, found the cure for cancer, and like within a minute flew away with it and dropped it in a rushing river. So it cured cancer, and then almost to mock humanity, it took off out the window and dropped it in a river, and I think a speckled chout swam up and ate it. It's like a fish fly.

Really, they're weird birds. I think we can conclude. Oh, I think that's 100% but I also think that we can conclude that if you have cancer, you need more trout. Trout it out. Trout it out, bro. Trout it out.

Here we go. This is a yes or no answer. You can't say anything but yes or no. Do ants have doggy style sex? Yes. Correct. I'll tell you how we got busted. Because even Rome must fall.

So we're trucking a hundred-hundred. into the city, okay? Sublime is coming to town. We're trucking 100 hamps into the city. Now, legally, the most hamsters you can move in the bed of a truck at one time is 50, right? We got two truckloads of 50 each. So in transit, I'm a spotter.

I'm in one of the trucks. I'm down under that tarp. Got me that drip bottle with that little sip cock coming off the end of it. And I'm just keeping my squad high. in my squad, hydrated, you know? Just drip dropping it. Just drip, drip, just drop, drop.

Who wants a drip from daddy? Let me buy you a drink. Bartender. I'm keeping them hydrated, man. Because that air comes running through the truck bed, you know? It'll dehydrate them. Turn a four-ounce hamster or a three-ounce hamster like that.

Bad for sales. And bad for sales. for the hamsters, really. So we get to New Orleans, Louisiana, right? To the Lakefront Arena. Yes, indeed. I pop off that tarp. I got 50 beautiful, hydrated little frickin' baby bears,

ready for new homes, okay? We pop off my associates tarp. He only has 19 hamsters left. What the fuck happened, Joel? He was only dripping up front like this because he's an idiot. He wasn't dripping over here in his peripheries. He didn't notice that his truck bed

wasn't sealed off appropriately. They had a way out by the taillight. And in 70 miles, he had 31 little hamsters just shawshanking out the back of that truck. Can you even imagine driving behind this guy? All 31 times, you'd be like, no way. Is that a hamster with a sublime tattoo? Would you put my mountain do, Donna?

They said it would take a hamster 600 years to get out of this year prison. But 31, they didn't less than 70 miles. That's both the best and worst Morgan Freeman impersonation you've ever heard. That's a two-for. You're welcome. In the town you grew up in, and I know you grew up in a little town because you already talked about it, was there a Boo Radley type person? That one guy who's weird, stands out, everyone talks about.

about no one is sure who he or she is like you know what i mean oh yeah did you have one of those people who was it oh yeah man we had a guy named big daniel right oh wow and i don't know what was wrong with him but his uh big daniel he didn't like being outdoors yeah but he liked to go outdoors whoa so talking about living in a juxtaposition yeah it's just gonna say and so his buddy would always put a tarp on him when he was outside right yeah so that way he could be outside but kind of not be outside like a like a canvas tarp like you'd throw over the back of a truck yeah like one of those blue tarps you know like that only comes in the tarp blue you know there's nothing else ever that came in that color almost looked like a blue ghost or something yeah almost

like a blue like a blue ghost but wow um so you'd always know where he was like you're at a barbecue they got you know big daniels there with the tarp on him you pick up the tarp get right under there talk to him oh really he was nothing he was social oh super social yeah he just didn't like to be out He liked to be outside, but he didn't like to be outside. He never thought of getting a nice hat. I think that was too, he thought bigger picture than that. The tarp was more like a body concealant. Well, I think it was like a hat that other people could get in as well.

Yeah, right, right. Yeah, get in into my hat. That's a nine-person hat when you think about it. Wow, and what did Big Daniel do? He didn't do much, dude. I'll tell you this, though, his aunt, they had a panther, right? A panther. She thought she had a cat for years.

She's always in the front yard. She's like, I got the worst cat, you know. Ms. Dorothy, she's like, I got the worst cat. He gave four jars of allets. You know, he's pissing on the bookshel. Yeah. Fast forward, years later, somebody tried to throw a surprise party. Panther jumped out and killed him.

Because this whole time that cat was a panther. We didn't know. We kept sending her back inside. We're like, get inside, you know. When might get you, rain's going to get you, you know. We kept, for four. Four years we sent Miss Dorothy back inside, and she had a panther in her house the whole time. Like a black panther or like a Florida, like a Puma or a Puma or whatever the hell of.

I think it was more like a Puma, you know. I think it was more like a panther. Like a mountain lion type, like like brownish, light brown color. Speckled maybe a little bit. A little spotty. Yeah. Oh. You know.

Okay. That could be getting into the more like jaguar cheetah. It could have been. But a cheetah's, yeah. It's a stray animal belt, Harlan. Yeah, you mentioned that. Okay, so that's legit. But, yeah, I'd say Big Daniel was a guy.

Big Daniel. And he'd be under the tarp. And, you know, usually bring him a gift in there. Because if you go over to somebody's place, you don't want to show up empty-handed. So you have to go under the tarp with like a homecoming gift or a... Yeah, something, sugar, anything. A sugar or a poppery or something. Something. You ever make them a nice, like, glazed ham or a lasagna and bring it under?

It probably smelled under there. Yeah, I wouldn't bring anything that hardy under there. Yeah. But I'd bring him, you know, pick a few berries or something before I went under there, let him eat him out of my hand or just be there with them. Yeah. Did he live in a basement? Or was he just in?

No, indoors. He just pulled the tarp right up to the door. Just walk inside. Wow. Good guy to know in the rain, I'm guessing, right? I mean, a good guy to know in a couple of instances. Rain. Hurricane.

Hide and go seek. Hide and go seek. That's it, really. Or maybe even Halloween, you could be like a group ghost. You put a bunch of people under there and be like a family. of ghosts a blue blood yeah let's you could be like the family that had poor blood

circulation ghost yeah all right uh you are you UFC fan you know what I'm excited about the fight this weekend yeah are you gonna watch yeah I'm gonna watch I'm gonna be in Vancouver but I'm gonna watch UFC

if captain crunch and count Chocula jumped in the octagon who wins oh count Chocula dude Really? But I mean, I grew up in a neighborhood that's very mixed. It was black and white. Yeah.

And anytime I fought kind of a chalk, more chocular guy, I lost. You did. Yeah. But see, Captain Crunch has a sword. Yeah, but he's a captain. Yeah, but he's the captain of Crunch. Right, right. You know, especially he's the captain of an Anamontopoeia, you know?

Yeah, that's right. So what's that? I didn't think of that. Yeah, outside of it, you know, outside of Crunch. Yeah. He's not doing much. And then again, Chocula is a vampire, so he's immortal.

So how do you even, you'd have to, Crunch would have to put it through his heart to win, I think. Yeah, I think, yeah, he'd probably have to put it through his heart or crunch would have to, you know, learn other words. You know, I think you'd have to get out there, and I think you'd have to do some research. Yeah. I don't know if crunch seems that kind of guy.

Yeah. You know, he seems more like a little bit of like a cross-dresser. Yeah. You know, I heard that he didn't even have a sailing license. Yeah. I mean, that's the rumor on the serial streets. He has a crunch license, even. I don't know.

God. I don't know, dude. But the serial streets, there's a lot. A lot of verbiage going around about him on those cereal streets. Is there any pain in your soul? Yeah, I think there probably is. Why? I ate a bunch of quarters when I was young, actually.

It ate almost $8 in quarters when I was a child. True story. What happened? And they cut most of it out of me. You swallowed? Yeah. Well, I saw a piggyback. bank right i was young and i was like oh i want that you wanted to be a piggy bank yeah i wanted to be

basically my own 401k dude i'm going back to that little slit in your lower back you probably could have just pushed the coins i could have most piggy banks have the slit on the back right oh yeah i didn't think about that you could have been a piggy bank i could have got some dimes out of there i don't know if you could have slipped some quarters for that thing yeah but quarters might have been used to been smaller yeah you know dude that's but yeah that's but yeah that's but yeah I ate a bunch of quarters one time, and that caused me a lot of pain. And did they have to open you up to get them out, or did you let them pass? Oh, no.

They had a clip daddy open. I passed about $6 worth. Yeah. And I mean, I mean. Wow. And it's almost remarkable to think that you are shit and money. Yeah, yeah. And I hate to use that kind of lingo out here.

You must have felt like a God. Like, did you go out in the streets and do it as you were walking down the road just to like make a point? Dude. It's like, look, I ship money, folks. Girls. Hey, ladies. no yeah hey ladies can y'all hear me yeah no but i will say this i used to uh in in louisiana

they had a lot of parades a lot of marty gras parades yeah and it was a tradition a lot of people would feed their horses money you know like paper money no no no coins coins what so then when the horses because horses will shit about 80 times in about a six block period yeah that's true they're mostly shit yeah i mean if you leave a horse outside and don't feed it it'll literally it'll be the size of just a little bitty horse when you get it in the morning it's in a huge pile of shit behind it yeah yeah they're all shit

oh it's probably 70% shit in there and um and even their bones are just hard hard shit yeah and um and so they would feed their horses pennies and then the poop on the streets would look exciting wait and people would go look for it

was like like an easter egg hunt children would look at so remember when you used to put coins in a birthday cake yeah so the children would run around the street and get their little hands in horse manure some kids would looking for treasure the wealthier people stayed out of it yeah but some of you know the you know poor kids and kids that were you know trying not to throw rocks at each other but hitting each other some of us would be out there you know we might sneak a uh you know sneak a pallet of dung off and break it off in the corners if you were not if you were doing out in front of people yeah

you know sifting through dung for you know 30 cents or whatever i mean you almost you know you kind of wish those people felt more of themselves but if you had somebody kind of sneakily just kick a huge pile of dung off around the corner and then you know break it down to make 40 cents of course dude you can't really be out in the street sifting through dung and then go to church and look at people in the eye on sunday right yeah yeah i mean i couldn't yeah i couldn't either man i couldn't sit in a pew and smell really i can't put pew and smell together yeah because it's the same thing. Pugh and pew.

Yeah. Have you ever been noodling? You know what noodle is? I have one time. You went once. You know, that's that thing where you go on the river and you shove your arm in a mud hole and a catfish eat your arm and you pull out the cat. You're using your body as bait, but you said you've done it once.

I wasn't sure. Yeah. Then it one time. And, um, in the, And this, there were two fish in there. Okay, two catfish. Two catfish. Do you remember the river?

Oh, yeah. It was Lake Providence. In Lake Providence, Louisiana, I was working on a soybean and corn and cotton farm. Nice. I used to work on there in the summer. Yeah. And we had Fourth of July, I believe it was. And so we get out on the lake.

Right in the middle of catfish season. Oh, dude. Noddy. I mean, you could hear the fish just. People are like, are there waves in the lake? And it's like, no, that's straight up. Straight up. Fish humping.

Wow. Okay. So what happened? That's just scales to scales, you know? People getting all fin-diggity out there, you know. It's raining, man. Yeah, it is, dude. Wow, so what happened?

So a couple of bullheads was making love in this pipe, you know? Okay. So I reached in there, and I didn't realize that I was coming up behind them. I thought maybe they'd be facing out, right? Oh, shoot. And the last thing you want to do is come up on two catfish when they're doing sex. Yeah. From behind.

From behind, yeah. It's just not, first thing I think is you're a shark. Yeah. You know, and even if they don't think you're a shark, you think you're a pervert or a creep. And one of them got me pretty good on my smallest finger. I saw have a pretty decent little scar right there from it. And I got scared, you know. So wait, instead of shoving your hand in its mouth, you put your baby finger up a catfish's ass because they were turned backwards?

Well, I thought they were going to be facing out, right? Because usually they are. So you shove your hand in. But these two, it was holidays. And I guess they were all making love down there while their parents. We're doing, you know, probably cooking or grilling. So where'd your baby finger go? Oh, I'm pretty sure it was a mouth.

I don't know. Whatever it was, unless this thing had teeth on its butthole. I think male catfish have one tooth, like an anus tooth. Oh, then this one might have had anus tooth on me. Whatever it was, man, it caught me pretty good, dude. Wow. So you were bleeding and stuff? Yeah.

Wow, dude. I was bleeding out to wrap it up, dude. And after that, what else happened after that? I'm guessing that's it for noodle. for you you don't you don't ever get back in the water after you get an asshole you know tooth in your finger but i used to know a guy who he would put this is going to sound a little bit bizarre but in some places where they have minnows minnows can bite you and it feels kind of cute yeah they nibble your feet yeah yeah yeah and this guy put frosting all on his legs and stuff yeah yeah yeah

and uh put his put his legs in the water yeah cake frosting you mean yeah yeah right out of those you know little can you can get that are really good sure betty crocker oh just lubes himself up and really and i'd done it with him before one time i only did one leg because i wasn't going both legs because you i what if something happens yeah yeah you might need a leg yeah right good move smart yeah i don't want to be that guy who's you know so you're walking down the river with with cake icing all over your lower legs you do this off a dock off a dock you dangle them dangle your legs with cake what flavor was it strawberry was it this is a thing of germ something you put on a german chocolate case yeah oh and what happened feels good no but did you you get a fish oh yeah i mean you have

hundreds of little fish and critters and stuff that come up and just kind of feed off of you it's pretty cool it's like you got you get a little ecosystem diabetes minnows oh dude and you could cure i mean it took away a lot of my negative thoughts too yeah yeah oh dude so that's one way and i was in vietnam one time and they make you wear a special underpants so that uh so that these small things don't swim up your wee-wee-wee hole oh that's that's that's a And they have that in South America, too. Yeah. I forget the name of those fish, but they're real.

They swim up, and then they have two barbs on their top fins, their side fins, and they lodge in there, and they eat your scrotum. O.J. Swimpsons, I think they call it. O.J. Swimpsons, yeah. The murder fish. Yeah. Wow. And they just, OJ. Swim right up your wee, wee. Yeah, bro. And they just, you know. Power pound.

Just straight up. They just start knobgoblin. Oh, God. They're dirty fish. Well, Theo, we are, man, I could talk to you for nine years, but we're getting down to the end of the show. What we do with all our guests, I should have prepared you for this, but we play a game with all my podcast guests. It's a real fun game. It's real easy.

It's called Too Soon or Not Too Soon. Okay. You give four questions, and the answer is too soon or not too soon. Okay. And so you just have to guess if it's too soon or not too soon. Four questions. Theo Vaughn, are you ready to play too soon or not too soon? Yes, I am, brother.

Here we go as we wind down the show with a game of too soon or not too soon. Yeah. First question. Here we go. Michael J. Fox and Samuel E. Jackson have a mayonnaise and hot dog relish party for three days and four nights in the back room. of a Cleveland, Ohio chick fillet violating over a dozen health department bylaws. Too soon or not too soon?

Not too soon. Wrong. It's too soon. Is it really? Yeah, that one is, yeah. Oh, man, I feel like we're ready for that. Yeah. I feel like it sounds like the libertarian party, you know?

I know. Sometimes the first question, you know, it's right. You know, maybe I shouldn't have said this is an easy game. Maybe it's not. Do you want to be ready for number two? Yeah, I'm going to try a little harder. Okay, number two.

Actress Mini Driver undergoes cosmetic surgery and has nine crab legs attached to her ribcaids so she can walk sideways easier and faster. Too soon or not too soon? Not too soon. No, too soon, bro. Yeah. She seems like she's ready for that. You know what's funny?

It's the only time I ever saw her was on the beach. Yeah. Yeah, so that maybe should have been the connection for you. Yeah, that it's not too soon for that. No, it's too soon. Oh, it is? It was, yeah. We're not ready for her to have crab legs, huh?

Well, that's, yeah. So that's your, I don't know. All you can do is tie now. Yeah. You're wrong for two. Here we go. Do you know what the answers are already? I do, yeah.

Okay. Of course. Here it is. Question three. This might be the most insane game of ever been in because. The game doesn't make any sense. Sorry, I said that out of hell. Yeah, that was just your mind thinking.

Yeah, that's joking. Here we go. Number three, in the year 2020, newborn babies have Brussels sprouts placed on their eyes five minutes after birth to reduce swelling and to help with the healthy development of their saliva glands. Too soon or not too soon? Wow.

This sounds so Polish almost. Yeah. I'm going to say too soon. Yes. Yes. Correct. There you go. You got your first one.

Here we go. Number four, you can tie or lose with this one. Okay. This is the last question. Number four, Lionel Richie is dancing on a ceiling for real and walks into a ceiling fan, which cuts his legs off. His severed legs fly through the air and kick, Queen Elizabeth the second right in her royal cunt.

Oh yeah. Too soon or not too soon? Not too soon. No, it's too soon. God, it didn't feel like it was too soon, man. The key to this game is every answer is too soon because it's all in the way you say it. Too soon. It's all in the way you say it.

Yeah, see, for me, nothing's almost nothing's too soon. I'm ready for it all. I know. I know. I'm ready to know the truth. I know. if it's lies. Well, you gave it a good try, buddy. And normally we end the show on this game, but we're going to circle back one last chance and see if we get, you really kind of covered up and steered away from throwing something at someone or something when some time in your life. We're going to ask you one last time before we, because did you ever throw something through the air and it hit someone or something?

hmm wow yeah kind of i was babysitting for a while right here we go now we're getting to it i was doing some daytime babysitting i don't do anything at night until i really know who i am you know okay yeah but i was daytime babysitting here we go and i got angry at this child and dropped him so i didn't really throw the child but i did drop no no we're going to have to have you back i think i for another podcast why you don't believe that story well dropping is a the same as throwing any physicist will tell you that so right but what you've created and no other guest has ever done this is a cliffhanger like a teaser like now people are going to go holy fuck one's the vonster once the t-bird come out of the garage again yeah drop into the harland highway

and tell this story you got people hanging bro yeah yeah you got it i like what you did that was smart no turn signals on my car no uh-uh that one in the middle yeah like a cycle yeah like a cycle clock oh that's it yeah dude i've never seen someone so craftily worked their way back onto my podcast nobody's done it you're planned you planned for you're like i don't want to do the harland highway once i'm getting my ass back a second time and i wasn't going to have you no way yeah but dude nicely played you're coming back guy yeah nicely play you may have you may have lost too soon or not too soon but you won you won a sequel on the Harlan Highway.

Cliffhanger, baby. Skill Vester Stallone. That's what they call me. Just to know what I'm doing, dude. And I had rabies, too, twice. You do have it anymore. You're going to tell us about that when you come back. Yeah.

We can't stand to here. I'll bring you a sample, actually. We still have, it's not a hot sample, but it's a, you know, a passive sample. Like in a petri dish? Oh, it's in kind of something. It's like one of those, like a baseball card holder. Okay, good. Folks, you've been listening to Theo Vaughn.

He is just amazing. and we're going to take this moment now. Theo is going to, we want you to connect to Theo. I want you to get hip to this guy. I want you to follow him. I want you to see him on the internet. I want you to buy his albums. I want you to follow him in comedy clubs. Theo, tell us about your social media. Tell us where you're going to be. Tell us where people can connect with Theo Vaughn. Well, some of it is through if you need an organ. I'm an organ donor. What? So seven or eight lucky people out there if I die in a motorcycle accident could get a, you know, literally another little piece of my heart. Can I get your eyes? I might be able to give you one. Okay.

I'll give you something. You'll give me, don't tell me what, surprise me. It'll be a, yeah, surprise. It'd be like reaching into the Thanksgiving turkey and pulling out a jiblet. Great, great. Tell the folks where they can find you, bro. Yeah, you can find me, guy. You can find me at Theo Vaughn, V-O-V-O-N.

I have a podcast every Monday called This Past Weekend. And then I have a celebrity podcast that we'd love to have you on Harlem. We have Chris Hansen coming on. Oh, yeah, okay. So I'm very excited to have that pedophile hunter guy. Yeah, yeah. And so we're excited. Mark Cuban's going to come on there.

Oh, nice. Yeah, just some kind of neat guess. It's kind of a little bit more Hollywood-type stuff. Yeah, yeah. It's not as fun as this. No, it sounds fun to me. But that's called Allegedly. You can check that out.

And then I have an album called 30-pound bag of hamster bones. Because, you know, they busted a man in my, town with 30 pounds of hamster bones on him can we play one more before you leave one one last clip yeah dude i think we should play one more okay we're gonna we we heard a couple of theo's amazing clips we're gonna play one more and please pick up this this album folks it it is just really funny and amazing and theo is is one of the freshest funniest guys out there on the comedy scene today and we love them so uh thanks dude and i love you like a hot animal you know i love you like a burnt

raven at a charcoal festival. I'm erect. Right? I'm erect. Who does that? Who says that? So we get there, man. We set up shop, you know? I'm down 31 units. No matter how hard

I get out there and vend, I can't make that money up. And Mr. Kenny, he was the boss. He actually was basically, he was the fellow that paid for the gasoline. And that is the boss. He only had one eye, but the other one came in hot, felt like two. He said, you're working.

And when the boss said you're working, you worked. So I'm out there barking. I'm vending these hamsters, right? I get them into somebody's hand that's on ecstasy, you know? Then I ask them for the $20. They give me the $20. Now, the upsell was where I made my money was I would sell them a name, you know? Second they gave me that $20.

I'd be like, what's its name? and they'd be like, good, good, good, good. And I'd be like, see, Quiet Sherl. We had this lady that worked with us named Quiet Sherl, one of my associates. She was deaf, I think, or just a real bitch. She wouldn't talk to you, so one of the other, you know? But for five extra dollars,

she would write a name on the sandwich sack that the hamster came in, okay? Yeah. And people thought since she was deaf, the names was coming from God going right out her arm she was a conduit so she would just wait

till the Lord just hit her in the stem with an idea and then it would just flow out of her hand right onto that bag through a marks a lot just whatever just clipped her in the brain just Ezekiel, Samuel Blitzin, whatever so this one dude comes bouncing out on that dust I hit him with that

ham right? He gives me that 20. I'm like, what's its name? He's like Go-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G. I'm like, see, quiet. Cheryl. This dude, Mosey's over there. Cheryl waits when she gets felt in the stem. She hits that bag with that marker. J-O-S-E. I think she meant

Josie. This dude took four steps. He goes, Jose. I ain't buying no fucking Mexican hamster, right? Throws this sandwich-sack tamster.

Hits me right in the chest, dude. Feels cute as fuck. Ripped down the water pen, flipped over the sales table. Beat Mr. Kenny's ass, man. Beat the sight back into that man's eye. This Asian guy got electrocuted. He wasn't with us, but that's...

And that's God's plan for him. And I lost my job. And I think the message is that racism ruins everything. I think that's the message, man. Because nobody was doing the kind of work we were doing. Finding new homes for rodents after midnight. Nobody was doing that kind of work. Oh, it's easy to find an animal, a new home in the day shines.

in the day shine when the Lord out there with his big bulb on you you get out there 1 a.m., 2 a.m. When they got crack addicts in a distance on bicycles, trying to suck each other off behind the shonis.

And you try to sell hamsters. Nobody was doing the kind of work we were doing. Praise God, man. All right, I'm Theo Vaughn. much um so theo thank you so much buddy for being here yeah thank you man i love you dude and you're always so kind and friendly and i just love your brain man if if you die i'm gonna get your

brain you got it bro thanks guy you got my brain we got theo's brain for for a little bit of time here today thank you theo vaugh check them out check out all his social media go and see Theo Vaughn at your local comedy club or theater or wherever you can listen to his podcast, both of them. Yeah. And you won't regret it. And this is my exit, man. I got to get off the Harlan Highway right now, dude.

Yeah, you get off. I got to urinate. You got to urinate. You did a cliffhanger. We'll have Theo back. That's it for today, folks. Thanks for being here. Thank you, Theo.

There he goes. He finally did the elk call. I knew he could. And until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. Oh, baby elk.