The Harland Highway - 901 - HARLAND X-RATED stand up comedy! Military man TOM DOWDY discusses the N. Korean threat.

Episode Date: September 4, 2017

HARLAND X-RATED stand up comedy! Military man TOM DOWDY discusses the N. Korean threat. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What a groovy show we have for you today. Yes, this is the Harland Highway podcast. I'm Harland Williams. And it's always groovy here, man. I shouldn't have singled this one out as being groovy. They're always groovy. Great show today. Colonel, lieutenant, Navy SEAL, left corporal,

French commander Tom Dowdy will be here today, military expert to discuss the hijinks going on. in North Korea. Also, I'm going to be talking about what I think the military solution is to North Korea. Yes, I'm going to give you some of my very serious analysis. And, you know, let's hear if Tom Dowdy can top it. I don't know. Apparently he's calling in.

Also, on the North Korean front, we'll have North Korean news. We've been getting a lot of it lately. We'll have a North Korean news break. And then to start the show, I thought I'd play you guys. a little bit of my live stand-up comedy, a short set that I did at a local comedy club in Hollywood, and something very peculiar happened in my groin area during my stand-up comedy moment.

So very funny, very odd, something that's never happened to me before when I've done stand-up. So I thought I'd better share it with you guys, okay? So let's have some fun. Come on, ladies and gentlemen, this is, The Harland Highway. Put on your seatbelt. It's about to get bumpy.

Oh, how perfectly awful. I get my kids above the waistline, suction. When will they take the bandages off? We don't know who we are. We don't know where we are. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Let us out of here. Please.

Let me tell you. you're starting something here that that's what you should be frightened of oh fuck yeah but just leave us alone sit down strap in and shut up what's going on what's the matter i thought maybe if i could kill him i could make him stop my mother never breastfed me she told me she liked me he's a friend who are we this is the harland highway what it's the Harlan Highway. It's a cup. It's the end of summer.

I don't like it. Oh, it's... We're into September, man. And I don't like it. That means falls coming, and we're coming near the end of the year. And, oh, my God. It's just so bizarre to me.

But I thought it'd be a good way to kind of end the summer with some giggles, right? I mean, I know we do a lot of comedy on this show, Brows. But I thought it might be fun to, you know, play a little stand-up comedy. I did this set at the World Famous Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip in Hollywood, California. And it was really an interesting set about, I don't know, a quarter of the way through my set. It's only about 18 minutes long. I'll play it for you.

But on these nights when I go up, I just like, to experiment and try things and throw them out there and just kind of talk to the crowd. See if I find any new material that I can work, you know. And there was some guy right in the front row. There was two weirdos in the front row. There's a guy right in front of me, okay? There's a guy right at my feet. Nice guy, but weird.

He had like a Freddie Krueger hat on his head. He looked like Freddy Kruger. And I don't know if he was tripping or what, but he was talking and waving his hands. Everything I said, he'd giggle at. Like, he was a really nice, like, affable guy, but at the same time, he was a little bit out there. He was like a, he was like a Freddy Kruger on Laughing Gas or something. So I had to engage him a lot during this set, as you'll hear.

And then about a quarter of the way through the set, there was this older guy sitting to the right of me. And it looked like he was looking down at the floor. And so I busted him. I said, dude, you know, I'm doing a show up here. you like you want to what are you sleeping or your eyes half shut and then he goes no your flies hanging down and i realized i was standing on stage with my freaking fly open on my blue jeans because i had just come from like six games of racquetball i left the gym changed into my clothes

down in the underground garage sped to the comedy club ran on stage and i guess i didn't do up my fly so so um so anyways you'll hear some of that as we get going into this stand-up comedy said as i said it's about 18 minutes long a lot of improv it's not the funniest that i've ever done but just some interesting things happened in it and i thought you might be amused to uh see what i had to deal with live in the moment so without further ado here it is yours truly harland williams live at the world famous comedy store William. Hi everybody.

Hello, hello, good to be here. Let me fix this, and then we'll get right into this madness, huh? Hi, girls, hi guy. Hi guy over here. Oh, girl, girl, guy. I was at a funeral home yesterday. Ever been to a funeral home and you see a dead person laying there in the coffin? in the coffin. You ever go to one of those guys?

And I just don't like getting the cold shoulder from people. I don't like people who shut me out. I'm a communicator. I'm up here. I talk for a living. I like to vocalize. And this stiffy was just laying there and I hit my limit. I slapped that bastard right in the face. I'm just like, fucking say something, ass! Okay, let's try another topic.

I, uh, anyone here ever get sick? You ever get, like a, like a pang? You ever get a pang? What'd you get, bro? What was it, in your ribs? Sure. Sure, okay. Looking at you, where were you at Tony Romas for a fuck sake?

Check out barbecue Willie at Table 12 over here. I had a little pang and I was, I was like, Like, I was in this frame of mind. Sir if you could wake up and listen. I had a pang in my ribs. The flag is in the outmast. The what? My flag.

Is that what you're staring at? I'm doing an act and you're just interested in my beef? Come on, bro. Man. You should have seen his... I thought he was asleep as eyes were like down here. I realized he's staring at my fucking pervert world. I feel violated, man.

I've just been irate by an old guy. Come on. You should laugh there, Kruger. Come on. Freddy Kruger and fucking Gerald from Subway at the front row here. I like you. That Freddy Kruger chuckled you here just before he slashes you. slashes you. Yeah, okay, you don't have to act it out. But I got a pang, Grosuf, right?

For real, I know you're just trying to help me out. You didn't really have a pang, but you're going along with it. I appreciate it. But I had to have it. So if you could sit down trying to do a show. I had a pang in the old riboroonies, right? And I'm thinking, good God, should I get down to Cedar Sinai? Should I hit the El Hospitalo, right?

And I'm thinking, why, in this day and age, would I go to El Hospitalo when I've got Google in my house, right? I'm like, I don't need no doctor. I don't need no hospital. Google answers everything, right? So I got this fucking pang. I get on Google, boom, boom, boom. Within a minute and a half, boom, cured.

Found out I had ovarian cancer, right? And leukemia. You ever, like, overreact to a little sickness, though, right? You got a little flu, you got a cold. You're like, holy shit, I've got to go see the doctor, man, right? You don't really need to, but I had this pang, and I went to get an ultrasound, right? I go and get an ultrasound, and it turns out I had six great. golden retriever puppies in my world.

Anyone want a puppy? Do you like puppies guy? Do you like a puppy? You'd probably like the barbecue on Kruger, right? How sweet fresh meat, you know? I'm a vegetarian. No, you're not. You're Freddy Kruger. You crouch by your furnace and eat children.

Who the fuck are you trying to kid? Freddy Krueger's a vegetarian, yeah. And King Kong doesn't like fucking coconuts, right? Man, they're swearing, it's a comedy club, relax. She's sitting there like she just laid a taradacta right over there. Here, dude, you look sad. Let me open it again. He looks sad.

You look so sad that I'd shut the magic door, right? He wants to see the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe. Welcome to Narney you, buddy. Welcome to Narna. Is that positive? Now you're looking at it. What the fuck? My eyes are up here, Dad.

Fucking, you guys really like your mushroom couch. You probably think you're at Applebee's on the appetizer knife. This actually feels pretty refreshing, I gotta say. I got a frosty coat, and there's a very slight breeze going through my fucking underpin. It's like I'm on a beach in the Bahamas. Bahamas, Aruba, Kagu, come on Kruger, Kama, Mama, Fri-Bama, Slash the team. You're just making, I keep thinking about your fucking razor fingers and my meaner's hanging out. Man, if you could start laughing when the others do.

Speaking of Tony Romas, we all love, do you like to eat, buddy? Do you like to eat or does it make you shit? You like to eat? Where do you like to go? You like fast food? No, not too much of it. Not any fast food at all, just for the sake of my bit and try to get you some half. Arby's.

Arby's, there you go. Who said that? This guy here. You like Arby's? Why do you like the Arbs, bro, Saffioche? Beef. You like the beef. You know they have beef and all the other ones, right?

Except for Chick-fil-A, that's chicken. But if you close your eyes and put a fucking piece like cow manure up your nose and taste like beef, I don't even know what that meant. I went to this place. Has anyone been to five guys? Anyone here to this place? Five guys? Have you been to five guys?

I went into this place and not the best name in the world for a restaurant. Five guys. I actually thought it was getting on a gay boat cruise, right? I walk in, some guy in an apron, like, hi, welcome to five guys. And now there's six of us. Can I get you a vanilla milk? Check! You ever put curly fries on your eyelashes and pretend your Dolly Parton?

You ever do that? Just laying bed at night and sing islands in the stream and play with your clip. Okay, let's move on. Everyone clamps up when you say clit, right? It's just a piece of anatomy, right? Little buddy, right? Little friend, right? What?

The clit, right? The people just get so nervous around the clit. It's just a piece of anatomy, right? It's like saying shoulder or nostril. It's human flesh. We love the clip, right, guys? I wasn't very, is this like game night or something? The worst of low energy response, I almost feel like I meant clit haters anonymous

that wasn't a positive clit. You're always got a lot of the clique. You probably put more sea sauce on your clip. But that's my point. Why doesn't the clique come in flavors, right? I mean, why can't I wake up? up in the morning and I'm a good old-fashioned buckwheat, right? How about on Cinco de Mayo, a nice blackened clet?

Oh, look, I'm just trying to spice it up. Maybe we get a deep good laugh and help me. What's that, buddy? They make cherry clips. They make cherry clips. They do? You wish they... You're just trying to help my act out because it's really hurting and I need... in the help of a famous movie monster to fucking push me over the finish line. Where's your rugby shirt tonight at the dry theater? What the fuck? Guy shows up in a shamrock shake shirt over here.

Are you texting over there, fucking Yoda? You can't hide, you're in the dark and you're actually fucking glowing. Either you're from Chernobyl, your tinkerbell, or you're a lighthouse. I mean, I can see if There must test someone I must. Must check with babysitter I must, even though I have no kids, I will. Must get some Ewalk clit later tonight, I shall. Do Ewalks have clits? They probably just call them nub-yubs, don't they?

Oh, lick me in the nub-yub. Nub-gub. You like that when I touch that area, right? Let me just get it down halfway. How about a halfway or just for you? You got crust in your goatee. Were you eating fucking lasagna earlier? I'm waiting for the jokes.

You're waiting for the jokes. You know what? I was throwing it right in the fuck back up for that end so. I pulled it down for his hungry catcher predator eyes. And that name goes out, I put it right back into lockdown. Fuck you. Eat your clip. Eat your dirty, hairy man clip.

I don't do jokes, bro. I just stand here and fucking smile and charm people. I don't know. Who needs jokes when you got the charm of a fucking magic leprechaun? Dude, I like you. You got an interesting story. Because, you know, this isn't an insult, but you look like, and I'm going to paint a picture, I could be wrong,

but you'd tell me at the end, if I'm right. You look like a guy that's been flying across the country. You work for, like, something. kind of company, you're in sales, and you've got a shitty day, your boss was ragging on you, and you're like, fuck this, I'm just going to, I need a laugh. I'm going to go to a comedy club, I'm going to take my tie off, have a fucking drink, and just enjoy myself. Am I right? Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering

50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire.

Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discreet. count and a 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Are you being honest? We're about 98%. What's the part I missed your transgender?

Don't show me, show him. He wants to see it. That was pretty accurate, right? Okay, now we're going to go to the guy beside you, okay? No, the other side. We already know who this fucking guy on the left is. The guy on the right, okay? This is a guy that's been kicking around LA 25 years on the jazz circuit, right?

He's been playing the knee. He's been, well, man, if you could wait until I finish the bit. I'll finish the bit. Uh, playing the sax, uh, playing with an improviser, jazz band, and, uh, you know, that's what he wants you. Like, really a hip man. Oh. Right? Wrong.

You played jazz? Used to be back in the day. Yeah. That's a pretty, you know, of all the things I could have picked that he did back in the day, I picked the one thing that he fucking did, a very obscure thing. Two for two. It's two for Tuesday, right? Now, you, buddy, you with the fucking beautiful green colored shirt, color shirt, you've got that, that look in your eye that, I just bought a shovel at Home Depot look in your eye.

Got that human DNA. under your finger names. You'll just laugh at anything. Watch this. Eggplant. Fuck you. How are you? You have a fan.

I like that. You don't see that very often. That's an old classical touch that I love. It's very classy and dainty. It reminds me of like the old south, someone just sitting on their porch. fanning themselves. Very elegant, my love. Can I say that? That's a compliment.

And your name, my love? Cynthia Kamen. She gave me the whole name. Very beautiful, beautiful voice. Everything about you. You radiate. Beautiful. Are you with Yoda? What do you do, Cynthia? Well, I do one of the bit. do quite a bit. I'm just really asking for one of them. I don't think I need to know.

See, now I'm even more intrigued than ever. It's going to cost you. It's going to cost me. What will it cost me, Freddie? It depends on how much she charges. Oh, I thought you meant it would cost me in terms of like, if I had children, you'd need three of them. Is it just me or the rest you waiting for a giant boulder to roll out of a tomb and crush this fucking guy? I'm just kidding, you're a lot of fun. You're good energy. How about me, you, and him, Motel 6 later, tar of mayonnaise?

I'll never take these three with us. Do you know these three girls? Not yet, but I will at the end of the show. the end of the show? Highly unlikely. You know what I was banged on about these two? The odds of you mingling with them later? Absolutely zero.

But keep trying to admire your spunk, buddy. They're with you, the Arby's dude? Oh, you're like the classy dates, huh? Where do you want to go to tonight? Girls, you want to go through the drive-thru at Arby's? You ever do? do this at Arby's, you ever go through the drive-thru and you order your meal, then you get up to the drive-through window and you put a $10 bill in the crack of your ass. Stick your ass out at your car window. You always get your food for free.

You're like, always, always, I haven't paid for my Arby's in ten years. Let's do one more, one more. I owe this guy at least one fucking jerk. One joke. One more? You want one more? Yeah. One more. Okay, this is like a 20-minute piece I do. Time them.

Okay, easy there. Fucking pantomime, Willie. That isn't one of those James Bond fans where you throw it and cut someone's head off. This fucking guy's an easy target. Okay, last joke. Last joke. Here it is. Anybody here from out of town? This is my last joke. Where are you from? Over here. New York? What part? Queens. Queens, what do you do there, guys? This will be fun. Musician? Okay, they're called buskers. There's a guy down in the subway. He's playing a song, right?

Old man stops and says, hey, can you play the song that was played at my wedding? wife died 10 years ago. Can you play, oh, Susanna? And the busker says, yeah, but it's going to cost you $10. And the old man said, but my wife died. And the busker says, I don't care, dude. I got to make a living. What do I have to do with your wife's death? And the old man says, well, why don't you go suck a ham sandwich right up your terriaki crab hole potato salad fucknard and that's I just made that up right on the sky I just made that fucking thing up right there that was for him because he loves jokes thank you buddy have one last three to go out of here thank you very much God bless y'all come on

Freddie William's some of my favorite movies, Holly. There he goes. Harry Williams. Yeah, the MC, when I do these little shows, I've told you before, I usually go up under a different name. I never go up under my own name. And I told the guys, it introduced me as, you know,

Coconut Johnny from Fresno, California or something. And he said my real name. So I don't like that. I like to go up as stupid names. It makes me laugh. But anyways, I hope that recording, I feel like it gives you a real, like, a live feeling, like you're kind of in the room watching the show.

And as I said, it wasn't my funniest set in the world, but I thought I'd play it for you because I don't think I've ever done a show where my flies open. And I literally, like, kept doing it up. And then this guy, the old guy, was kind of had a little bit of attitude. He wasn't really laughing at anything. You know, here he says, oh, I'm waiting for the jokes. And I thought, you know what?

I'm just going to pull my fly down. You can stare at my nasty freaking dewworm, bro. You know? So I just had a lot of fun. And some of the girls in the crowd were laughing. And it was kind of weird that the people that I was kind of looking around at their faces and picking up like aspects of their life, it was a little weird because I was really kind of nailing it.

There was the businessman guy. There was the jazz play. guy and i don't know i was just i just in this vibe i was in this mood where i feel like i was i was reading people that night and uh i wish my act had been a little funnier that night but i worked on some stuff you know and and i had fun with the the fly hanging open so so anyways there you go i hope you enjoyed that and uh we'll bring more of that to you as uh time goes on all right roj let's shift gears and uh let's get into something else man We interrupt this podcast for an important North Korean news update.

Naldoin is the needy-government-choice-substableness. This event of this time is now-jo-son-nang-coup, particularly, gond-ho-ho-ho-ho-hun-sherat-maltzieder to-moth-to-soombed-law-nals-nring-nalshsudersers. Bombsiators are on the jury's unimed shimpan

Mentioned not much our country and our gondy menen pan-gongah- -regul-

bongued shirk- shud-ocied and back-nenged and get-and- and

the people and go forward going to we now return to our regularly

scheduled programming we will keep you informed as events unfolded

I mean, speaking of unfolding in North Korea, what the hell is going on with these knobs? I mean, now they're, you know, just recently they shot a missile over Japan, as we all know. And they just keep pushing and pushing and prodding and launching missiles all in the face of the president's warnings. He's warning them that they're playing with fire. He's warning them that he's not going to play this Mr. Nice guy slap on the wrist routine. And it's interesting, man. This North Korean regime is really being provocative. They're really poking the lion with the stick.

And you have to ask yourself, man, at what point do you have to take assertive action? You know, you can only let the bad guys taunt you so long before you got to go, you know what, enough. Because eventually their behavior becomes more real. Eventually somebody gets hurt and people die. And it's amazing to watch this North Korean leader be so balzy. and keep, you know, pushing the fucking barriers, man. So I hope he knows what he's doing because I think sooner rather than later

there's going to be some kind of aggressive reaction from the United States. And not only do I think it's going to happen, I think it needs to happen, because, you know, this has been 40 years of placating this guy. in decades of letting him just continue with his provocative behavior and his dangerous behavior. And in the background behind all this behavior is a rogue country that's developing and advancing the capabilities of their nuclear arsenal. And so do you just sit like a dummy and try to, you know, talk it through? or do you eventually have to just go, you know what?

Boom, just drop them, knock them out. And of course, we all know hanging in the balance is South Korea and Japan and the whole region. So, you know, I guess it's easy for the U.S. to say because we would not feel the immediate repercussions of a violent military backlash. Of course, South Korea and Japan and everyone down there on the public. Pacific Rim would, you know, they'd be the ones that would have to catch the falling missiles and all the weaponry aimed at them. But you say to yourself, well, do we take a little collateral damage today and get into a firefight with them, or do we keep letting this progress, and then we take major collateral

damage because suddenly instead of a firefight in the Pacific Rim, we have a global nuclear war where there's morons capable of sending missiles all over the globe. And I'm not sitting here saying, well, let's sacrifice the South Koreans. Let's sacrifice the 10 million South Koreans so the rest of the world can live in peace. But, you know, here's what I would like. I would like it if the U.S. somehow came up with some kind of really, incredible covert plan. And, you know, this might just be a fantasy.

This might even be a reality in this day and age, you know, mind you. But they just filled the sky with either some kind of satellite-type weapon or the silent stealth bombers or the B-52s that were so far up, they were undetected. And unbeknownst to the North Koreans with laser precision, you know, like scud, missile precision, they just unleashed such an incredible amount of firepower that precisely pinpointed the North Koreans line of defense, all their weaponry lined up on the border, all the foxholes and the underground bunkers, and they just knew where they were, and they were just like,

you know, and they just like, everything got hit at once and North Korea wasn't even able to get a shot off. And all their arsenal was just like obliterated. And you're like, yeah, okay, Harland, watch Star Wars too much or what? Well, no, I'm being realistic here. I think that if they put the full might

of the American military into the air and into the sea and onto land and anywhere else into space. I have a feeling they could do it, and I have a sneaky feeling there's weaponry in the U.S. arsenal that maybe the world doesn't know about yet. I have to believe that, you know, with the advancement of GPS technology and lasers and this and that, I wouldn't be surprised if there's some weapons

that the U.S. military has never occurred. exposed to the world, and it's almost like if you've ever been at a laser light show, you know, it's like it's dark, and then all of a sudden, like, 120 direct laser beams flash out into the darkness and some rock band starts playing, right? Well, what if the U.S. had some kind of, you know, orbiting facility or orbiting armada of satellites, or even, you know, like I said, their Air Force? and they were just able to with pinpoint accuracy

with GPS guided lasers just just just everything you know Central Command said to however many weapons

many aircraft satellites were floating in the sky over North Korea just three two one and just everything went at once I think that would just be brilliant

That would be surgical, it would be tactical, it would limit the casualties. And if they just imagine that, they just took it out. I mean, man, that would actually be more effective than a mushroom cloud and a nuclear bomb, which literally just, as you know, from Nagasaki and Hiroshima just flattened everything, killed anything, innocent people, women, men, children, but that was the nature of war back then. but now everything can be so precise, so mathematical. So I actually, even though in a way I don't, I'm saying this as a hypothetical,

I'm actually somewhere in the back of my head going, you know, I bet it's doable. I bet they can do it. And I wouldn't be surprised if we see it happen one day. And it's just almost like a light switch, like all at once. It's like you ever see a movie or whatever, where they shut a power grid down.

You know, you see a city lit up at night. And then they shut down the power grid. And you just see all the lights go, whew, whew, whew, whew, whew, everything just kind of goes off one after the other. That's what this would be like. It just like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Every weapon that North Korea had trained on South Korea

and anywhere else would just all go up at once. I bet it's doable. I wouldn't be surprised if that's what's going on somewhere in the bowels of the military. And like I said, it's probably long overdue. It's something that we got to face. We got a face. Our children have to face.

I mean, you know, it's turning into a killer-be-killed situation when you're dealing with a guy that's so out of touch and doesn't communicate with the rest of the world and doesn't have a firm grasp of reality and he's a tyrant and a bully and a... I mean, it's just the way life goes. It's the way war goes. So we'll see what happens.

Look at me talking all... What am I? Some kind of... What am I a general now? What am I some kind of... This is unbelievable. I didn't know I possessed so much military strategy in this brain of mine.

Who? Oh, are you... serious? Commander-Colonel French Lieutenant Tom Dowdy's calling? No way. Well, I guess I make sense that he'd call because, right, I'm talking, okay, well, put him on. Maybe he can illuminate us. Here we go. Now, we have a real military expert. This man's been in many wars. He's a decorated soldier. It's a man who calls our show a lot, a French colonel, uh, frontiersman, uh, third General, Ranked Navy SEAL, uh, Corporal, uh, French Lieutenant's woman, Tom Doughty. Hello, are you there, sir?

Hello, civilian. Hello, sir. How are you? This is Corporal, First Commander, Ranking Officer, Commander General Colonel. French Lieutenant Tom Doughty, you are a go, sir. You are a go. Hello. Thank you, sir. How are you? You were listening to my topic about the North Korean arena? Yes. Let me tell you something about the North Korean civilian. Okay, sir.

They are tricky. They are greasy. And they are slippery. Okay, sir. Can you elaborate? I did a couple of tours of duty. where I had to penetrate the North Korean border. Oh, wow. So you actually had to sneak inside undercover? That's right, civilian. And let me tell you, it's not pretty over there.

North Korea is like climbing up the inside of a half-dead giraffe's asshole, covered with pancake batter and snapping paper clips in your eyelids. Oh, okay, sir. I had to climb up a tree, grab myself a North Korean monkey, skin it alive, and crawl inside of it. Wait, you skinned a North Korean monkey alive and hid inside its hide?

You heard me, civilian. I climbed inside a goddamn North Korean monkey, and I had to hide, in its skin up and a banana tree and watch those monkey suckers run around and hide their weapons all over the ground. Wow, that's intense, sir, but what did you think about my analysis of the, you know, the North Korean War Theater? A sack of bubbling horse shit civilian. Whoa, sir, you don't think that there's any practicality to what I said? you'd have about as much chance

of doing what you said as getting Helen Keller to win a square dance competition wearing fucking roller skates uh sir now I mean uh okay fair enough I admit I'm not an expert in the military field

but how would you you know deal with the North Korean aggression well here's what I do it worked once It'll work again I crawl into North Korea Under the cover of darkness

Civilian Okay I climb up a North Korean banana tree All right I put my arms around A fucking sleeping Coconut monkey you got me Uh if that's what they're called sir

I choke them out I pull out my six inch knife I got them right up the belly I pull his insides out and I climb inside his skin. Okay. And then I start moving around the jungle, just like a fucking coconut monkey. All right, sir, and the reason for that is? That gives me the opportunity to sneak right up on the adversary.

The North Koreans have outpost stationed all through the jungle on that border with South Korea. you. They'll light up the sky like a Rosie O'Donnell doing a popcorn fart at a flapjack festival. Whoa, sir? So what I do, everybody loves a monkey, right, civilian? I guess everybody loves a monkey. Well, how about a dancing coconut monkey? Who likes to squeeze his tities? Sir?

That's right. I walk up to them in the dark. They're standing by their machine guns. The greasy little fingers wrapped around the turrets. And all of a sudden, on a full moon out of the shadows of the coconut trees, comes a goddamn dancing coconut monkey. Is this you in the monkey's skin? Bigger civilian.

And I'm dancing around. I'm like, oh, look at me. I'm the dancing coconut monkey. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, and then I squeeze a monkey tit. What? I started squeezing my monkey tits. Sir, squeezing your monkey tits? You got to remember, so that these soldiers have been standing out in that jungle

since their grandmother's reran, jumped up into a fucking Playboy magazine, and took a crap dip. I don't even know what that means, sir. So these wingwams are standing out in the jungle. All of a sudden, standing there in the moonlight is a North Korean coconut monkey playing with its titties. It's a monkey titties. Sir, this sounds a little. Let me finish a little in.

Sir? I walk up. I go, ooh, who wants to squeeze the monkey titty? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ah, ah. I'm making seductive monkey. Okay. They get within range, just about to put my other hands on my monkey arioli. Monkey arioli.

You heard me civilian. As soon as they get within about an inch and a half of my monkey nipples, wham. My knife finds its way right into their belly and takes a train ride straight up to their throat. I can feel that North Korean blood running down my monkey flesh. Oh, my monkey tits glowing in the moonlight. And the last thing those fuckers ever saw was Colonel, French Lieutenant, South Park, Fried Egg, fucking First Commander Navy SEAL, Tom Dowdy's, Moonlight, Lit, Monkey Tate, Check that

Coconut Monkey Tit Sir, have you been drinking at all? Yes, I have. You've been drinking? Yes, I have. Because I don't think you're not making sense. I offered a very technological

solution to taking out North Korea and you're offering up a solution of skinning a monkey alive, climbing in its skin, sneaking up on North Korean soldiers, seducing them with your monkey tits, and stabbing them. Yeah.

You got a problem with that. Do I have to come over there and smack you in the fucking head with a frying pan with a salmon filet still cooking in it? Sir, I think maybe we're going to let you go. It's late, and you sound. a little rough around the edges? You want to you about rough around the edges?

One time I was in Cambodia during my fifth tour of duty into the dark jungles of Cambodia. I found an electric eel sitting in a swamp. I wrapped it around my ravioli sandwich and lit it up like Tommy Timberlake's fucking tattooed Consul plot.

Sir, you are, you are really not making sense. We're going to let you go. It sounds like you're a bit drunk. Yeah. Okay, good night. Good night, sir. Good night, civilian. I want your address.

Sir? I want to know your address, William. So I'm not giving you my address. You've been drinking. I'm going to find it. I'm going to find where you live. And I'm going to be over there tonight. Dressed as a North Korean fucking tit monkey.

And I'm going to grind my fucking big brown tits all over your little white pasty face. Just when you think it's getting good. I'm going to show. Look, a new paddle all the way up here. Thank you, sir. Goodbye. Oh, my God. Roger, he was just laced.

Like, I was actually listening to him at first, and then I was like, wait, this isn't, nothing, none of this makes sense. Yeesh. I mean, Colonel Dowdy's tough to get a handle on when he's not drinking, but, wow. I think we just better leave it right there. The show is a little, you know, just how do you top that kind of madness? Wow. Okay, well, as you know, I've been away of Burning Man,

so I'm back, and next show, I will give you some of the highlights of my Burning Man experience, and share with you my wacky adventures in Burning Man. man. Always, always fun to share that stuff with you. Also, my fall stand-up comedy tour begins at just a few weeks in Portland, Oregon. We're talking September 21st to the 24th, Portland, Oregon, at Helium Comedy Club. And then the following week, September 28th to October 4th, Portland, Oregon. First, Schaumburg Improv, just on the outskirts of Chicago, and then October 12th of the 15,

the Irvine Improv in Orange County, California, and then up to Buffalo in November, and Edmonton, and San Jose, and just a good, good time about to happen. So check on Harlan Williams.com for my stand-up comedy date. You can write me at Harlan Williams.com. You can phone me at Harlanwilms.com. 323-739-43330. 3-2-3-3-3-3. Become a premium member at Harlowlwilms.com.

$20 a year. Get you every podcast we've ever done. Get our free app. Yes, I said free. Just go into your app store. Type in the Harland Highway. Boom. You've got an app and you can listen to the show

wherever you are. So that's it for today, man. I'm still a little shaking up from Tom Dowdy. Thanks for listening. Look forward to sharing my Burning Man stories with you on the next show. And until then, chicken chalmain, baby.