The Harland Highway - 906 - CELEBRITY RACES! Harland is a NUCLEAR THREAT. The Burning Man death storyline continues.

Episode Date: September 21, 2017

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Oh boy. What a wild podcast we have today. Hi, everybody. Harland Williams here. And this is the Harland Highway. You're rolling down it with me. And what a show we have today, Celebrity Races. We're going to do go to the Celebrity Racetrack with Charles Parsley. We have some incredible celebrities that will be charging down the racetrack today. It's going to be an exciting race. Also, I got a phone call from one of the friends of the young, gentleman that ran into the fire at Burning Man and killed himself, and I'm going to play that phone call for you and have a discussion about it. It's kind of intense, but it was good to hear from this individual, and you'll hear my response as we go along, okay? Also, somehow yours truly got pulled into thermonuclear war. Yeah, I mean, a few weeks ago was Hillary Clinton pulling me into her election loss. I know Donald Trump has pulled yours truly into the nuclear war debacle between the rest of the world and North Korea.

Where do you hear this? Freaking thing that I'm involved in now somehow inadvertently. And then also a, we have North Korea news, of course, and then a crazy story about a service animal. I'm getting real sick and tired of these service animals. So I'm your service animal. Well, I'm here to make you laugh. Let's do it.

This is the Harland Highway. Put on your seatbelt. It's about to get bumpy. Oh, how perfectly awful. I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine. When will they take the bandages off? We don't know who we are. We don't know where we are.

You're riding down the Harland Highway. Let us out of here! Please. Let me tell you, you're starting something here that that's what you should be frightened of. Oh, fuck yeah, bud. Just leave us alone. Sit down, strap in, and shut up. What's going on? What's the matter?

I thought maybe if I could kill him, I could make him stop. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me. He's a friend. Who are we? This is the Harland Highway. What? It's the Harland Highway. It's a cop-book.

Ah! Well, I want to do a little bit of a follow-up phone call here for you. As you know, a few podcasts back. I had a bit of a tragic podcast. It was a hard one to do. And it was the one where I talked about seeing a guy die. I watched a guy run into the fire at the Burning Man Festival. It was very sad.

And interestingly enough, I guess a person who has... a friend of the man who died in the fire called the Harland Highway hotline and left me a message. And it was actually really great to hear from this guy. I'll play the message for you right now and then talk about it on the other side of hearing his message. So here it is a friend of the gentleman who sadly passed away when he ran into the giant fire. at Burning Man just a few weeks ago. Hey, Harlan, it's Woody. I just wanted to thank you for doing the podcast about my friend Joel,

who passed away at Burning Man this year. It was surprised to hear you talk about him on the podcast, but it indeed helped with a little closure and some processing on it. And, you know, to hear about how he, you know, when you said that he was laughing and playing and running around and evading the security, people before the accident that indeed was what he was like he was an absolute clown reminded me of maybe he doesn't remind me of you but shit he's a funny dude he would uh dress up in costumes

and just prank on people like you wouldn't believe so you know from you a comedian talking about my friend Joel as a comedian a little bit. It was sweet, and I could tell that you were sincere and heartfelt about it. And, you know, it wasn't easy to listen to. In fact, I don't think I listened to every second of it, but I did appreciate it. And Joel really does deserve a memorial in the way that you did it. so thanks again harland keep up to go to work

buddy take care bye wow woody uh man you don't know how much that call means to me i mean that that was uh that was a really special phone call for me to get from you to know

that you were friends with this man who was uh joel who was a complete stranger to me but to know that you were his friend and and for you to describe to us a little of of who he was and what he was like and that he was full of life and like to make people laugh and that's both beautiful

and also makes it even a little more hard to hear that he's not with us anymore because it sounds like he was a wonderful guy and for for my part in in you know trying to talk about him and memorialize him and know that you as a friend approved of it and thought that it was something good and that it touched you to a degree, that makes me feel good as well. And, man, I know the pain that I felt just seeing the event happen and Joel being a complete unknown to me, being a stranger,

so I can only imagine Woody what you're feeling and what you're going through and that you're probably having to deal with it on a much deeper level than me or the random strangers that saw the event. So in a small way, thank you. Well, not in a small way, in a big way, thank you for reaching out and taking the time to, you know, help me process it a little bit by, you know, you putting a face

and a personal touch on Joel and, you know, somehow filling in the, the blanks a little for myself and maybe for anyone who's listening. You know, one thing I think I might have to do, and I've never done this, you know, when people call in to the Harland Highway hotline, it, you know, it shows their phone number here. And, you know, I never use those or I never call anyone because it's about you guys calling me, but the answering machine, you know, collects that data. And I think in this situation, I think I'm going to try and reach out to Woody.

I think I'm actually going to try and call him because one of the lingering things that I think I want to know, and I think everybody who listen to the story wants to know. And it's one of the first things people ask me when I bring the story up. And I'm sure that Woody might have the answer. they always say, was the guy that jumped in the fire, Joel, was he out of his mind on drugs? Was he drunk? Was he hallucinating? Was he, like, was he suicidal? People are trying to find the reasons, and especially for those of us who witnessed it. We really kind of want to know the reasons, because to be honest, that question is haunting me. I mean, I don't know if it helps or makes it worse,

but to know if maybe Joel was having a rough time in life and wanted to end it. Or knowing that Joel was maybe high as a freaking kite and hallucinating and didn't know what he was doing. Or maybe he was just completely normal and everything was okay and he did something stupid. But I think one of the burning questions that agonizes me and maybe you folks that listened is why. W-H-Y, why did he do it?

Why would someone do it? They would have to know that jumping into a 100-foot fire would be the end of it. And so for the first time ever in the history of my podcast, I think I'm going to reach out to Woody and call him and maybe get some answers and hope that he's okay with it. I hope Woody would be okay with it. he kind of reached out to me, and I'm, in turn, I'm going to reach out back to him. And maybe he can help fill in even more blanks and tell us more about this poor gentleman that lost his life.

And maybe it helps me put some closure on it. And because I've got to tell you, folks, since it happened, I think I think about it almost every day. It's something that comes into my mind every day. and it's been a number of weeks now. And I still picture it. I still picture that man jumping into a giant wall of fire. And I still picture the fireman pulling, dragging his body out on the ground. And it's smoldering and a lot of imagery in my head.

And as I've said, as you can imagine, it was quite horrific. And so I think I need to talk to Woody and see if he can give me some answers and maybe help me, you know, deal with it and understand it maybe and come to terms with it. So there you go. I don't know if you guys think that's a bad move or a good move, and I certainly hope Woody doesn't mind, but I think I'm going to do it, and I'll report back to you guys, and maybe we can all kind of close our eyes, say a prayer, and go, wow,

so that's why he did it. So there you go. Thank you for calling Woody. And let's keep moving on with the show in the name of Joel, being a funny guy. I'm bringing laughter the world and maybe being a little bit like me, as what he said. In honor of Joel, let's bring the funny and keep the podcast going. And let's start slapping some giggles on your faces, right? All right, here we go.

I'm a quonka in a bunker quunk. In Eskimo You're a guanka In a bunker quunk in Eskimo Right He's a guanka in a bunker quank in Eskimo

Is that not a bunker quark Yeah, nazis a bunker quank Wonka guanka, yes and needy, that is so He's a quonca in a bunker quank in Eskimo We interrupt this podcast For an important

North Korean news update Alright, Ah, boy, Suna is Eichy! Eich! Ah, see. Eichrani. Oh, my cho,

our name is Suna'er, Marnere. What, What, Ah, so, he said, said,

Sark. Sark, Datsya. Yeah? Come. Come. Oh. Hey, everybody.

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Zero out, 9 a.m. Well, speaking of the North Korean news, this is cracking me up, man. This is hilarious. You remember, like a week ago, I told you that I got pulled into Hillary. Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton pulling me into her blame game for losing the presidency. Remember I played you that whole bit about how she referenced my character in something about Mary,

the demented, deranged serial killer, hitchhiker with the seven-minute abs. Hillary said that's how Bernie Sanders was and that helped cost her the election. So yours truly got inadvertently pulled into the fray, the presidential fray. And now it's happened again. Donald Trump threw a tweet earlier this week. And then just two days ago during his first first. U.N. speech to the world, he referenced our friend Kim Jong-oh. That's how I say his name.

I always pretend he's getting kicked in the balls at the end. Kim Jong-ung, it's like, Kim Jong-oh. But anyways, he's referenced and labeled Kim Jong-un as Rocket Man. Yeah, I guess because, you know, the evil emperor, whatever that. hell he is. Keeps launching these nuclear rockets into the air. And so Donald Trump, which I find very funny regardless of the reference to me of my movie Rocket Man, is just a funny title.

It's kind of demeaning and insulting. And you've got to figure it gets under Kim Jong skin. But for those of you that don't know, I did a Disney movie. back in the 90s called Rocket Man. I was the star of the movie. I was Rocket Man. And it was a really great movie. It's one of my favorite movies.

I'm super proud of it. It's a great comedy, lots of physical comedy. It's really funny. It's about the first guy to ever go to Mars. My character, Fred Randall, becomes an astronaut, an unassuming astronaut who somehow fumbles his way into the first manned mission to Mars and becomes the first human to ever step on Mars. And it's just a really fun movie.

I recommend you watch it. And people just seem to love the movie, which makes me happy. I had a great time doing it. But anyhow, Trump is now calling Kim Jong, Rocket Man. And I want you to listen to a little. snippet from his speech at the UN, where he references the evil emperor as Rocket Man.

The United States has great strength and patience. But if it is forced to defend itself for its allies, we will have no choice but to totally destroy North Korea. Rocket Man is on a suicide mission for himself and for his regime. The United States is ready, willing, and able, but hopefully this will not be necessary. It just cracks me up, you know, because the reason it really cracks me up, because when he says Rocket Man, it's almost like calling me by my nickname or, you know, calling me personally. Because over the years, I think Rocket Man's like, you know, 15, maybe 20 years. years old now. And so over the years, many of my friends and people that I meet at shows or just

people in the street will call me Rocket Man. They'll go, hey, great to meet you, Rocket Man. Hey, Rocket Man. Or my friends will do it as a joke. Hey, what's up, Rocket Man? So that's like almost like a second name to me, Rocket Man. And so when I hear him saying it, it just makes me laugh. Rocket man. And if you watch the movie, Rocket Man, my character, Fred Randall, is such a sweet, lovable, innocent guy that wouldn't harm a flea. And now his Rocket Man's name is associated with a, you know, a global tyrant who's threatening to, you know, sink Japan and wipe America off the face of the earth and, you know, blow up the world if he wants to. So it's just such a funny contradiction here. But the reason I kind of became aware of this

is that my Twitter keeps lighting up because every time he references Rocket Man, everyone gets on my Twitter feed and starts, you know, tweeting and sending pictures of Rocket Man and all this. Here's some of the Steve Mules. How excited is Harlan Williams right now? Rocket Man Revival.

Oh, yeah, that would be great. Here's a room from Phil Braun. Harlan Williams is the one and only Rocket Man. Thank you, Phil. This one made me laugh. High quality poison says, thanks a lot, Harlan Williams. We're all going to die.

Oh, my. My God. Here's another one from Brian Brinkman. What if this is all viral marketing to kickstart a sequel to Harlem Williams Rocket Man? I'd throw down $20 towards that. Oh, my God, from your lips to God. I've always wanted to do a sequel to Rocket Man. I'll tell you, man. If I could ever do a sequel, it would be to that. Here's one from The Mark. We all know the real Rocket Man is Harland Williams. Thank you, buddy. Here's one from Eric Janvier. Rocket Man is on a suicide mission to space. Oh, man, and they just go on and on. I mean, it's just really funny. Here's one. Stuart saturated Matt.

I'm confused. Which Rocket Man is real Donald Trump wanting to destroy? Elton John or Harlan Williams. Oh, God. Here's another one. Nostradamus. I never thought the 20th anniversary of Rocket Man would put us on the brink of nuclear war.

Congrats, Harland Williams and Disney's Rocket Man. How do I get pulled into these things? First, Hillary blames me. Here's one from Crystal. I'm very disappointed that Rocket Man is a reference to Kim Jong and not the fantastic Harlan Williams. Oh, well, thank you, Crystal. In a way, it's a shout-out to both of us, I guess.

Here's one, Seinear Bloombergo. Signor Blooms. Harlan Williams, why does real Donald Trump hate you so much, Rocket Man? Oh, man. Here's one from Tim Thoughts. Harlan Williams can still handle this role. No need to hand it over to Kim Jong-ung. True, I can still handle it.

So this is just really funny to me. I mean, first my Twitter feed lit up with the Hillary thing, and now it's lighting up with old Kim Jong-oh. So just a little bit of craziness there. Maybe it will kickstart, rejuvenate Rocket Man. Maybe they will do a second one now. Like, well, if the president's talking about it, We got to do a sequel.

Rocket Man. Two. Yeah, I can dream. Anyways, that's just part of our crazy world. And since we're talking crazy, Raj, why don't we do a crazy news story? How about that, man? The Harland Highway. Crazy news story.

That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. All right. This headline plays right into what I kind of had to deal with on the last podcast, where there was a story about a lawsuit over a monkey that took a selfie and, you know, they had to figure out who had the rights to the photo. And I was just, so in keeping with the whole animal thing, listen to this crazy news story

headline. This one, this is almost, this should almost be under the Harlan gets pissed off banner, but we'll keep it as a crazy news story for now. Here it is. Baltimore schools approve miniature horses as service animals. Now, you know this service animal thing, right? It existed when I was growing up when you'd see severely handicapped people, blind people that had, you know, disfigured faces and eyes. You could clearly see that people had damaged eyes and cloudy eyes

and their eyes were crooked or they had dark glasses and they had the white cane and they couldn't walk and they needed a service dog. Okay? And now I get on the airplanes at Delta and United and American and there's hot actresses who look like extremely physically fit, beautiful, perfect, Victoria's Secret style human specimens

who have to get on the plane with their service animals. Oh, yeah, they're bringing their dogs and their cats and their parrots and their snakes. It's a service animal. It calms me down. I'm so delicate. I'm such a flower. I'm in such a genteel, psychological, mental state. If I don't have this dumb dog with me, I'm going to go ballistic.

I'm going to have a meltdown. Yeah, right. It's so disgusting to see it. It's either an excuse to know. not have to pay to put your dog on the airplane in the baggage compartment where everyone else has to put their dog. Or it's just you think you're better than everyone and you don't give a crap about other people's needs or desires. Maybe people have allergies to animals. Maybe people don't want to smell your animal. Maybe people don't want to see your animal. Maybe

people are irritated. Maybe your animal makes noise. But, oh, we don't want your fragile state of mind to be disrupted. You better bring your dog with you all the way across the country on an airplane because you're so special and you lied to the airline saying it's a service animal and all you really did was buy a cheap imitation service animal vest online for $4.99. Wow, this is a little bit of I'm pissed off and crazy news stories. So here we go. Miniature horses. You've seen these.

They're like little, they look like ponies, but they're actually little tiny horses. They're like midget horses. Here we go. Students in need of a service animal at Baltimore schools may now rely on miniature horses according to the guidelines approved Tuesday. The Baltimore Public Schools Board of Commissioners said miniature horses, horses smaller than 34 inches tall. I can't believe we're even talking about this, are allowed on school grounds as service animals to students, staff, and visitors if they are potty trained and obey their handler. Yeah, because I'm going to be in biology class, and I'm going to tell my horse,

you know what, dude, this is an hour-long class, don't shit on the floor. Yeah, because a horse will listen. The horses can be used as an alternate to serve as dogs also allowed on school properties. According to the American with Disabilities Act, miniature horses should be permitted as service animals, quote, wear reasonable. That means in addition to only allowing trained horses, the facility must also be able to accommodate the animal size.

Plus, the horse's presence can't be a safety concern. So you know how a lot of these buildings and facilities and, and public structures have to be fitted with wheelchair ramps and all kinds of special things. I did a whole podcast about how pools and hot tubs in hotels now have to have $40,000 winches bolted to the ground by the pool and hot tub now so that people with disabilities can go swimming. Well, that's great. We don't want people with disabilities to be deprived. but as a guy who's been going to hotels for the last 30 years,

it's rare you see someone with disabilities go in and out of the pool. And again, we don't want anyone to be deprived, but what they don't tell you is this equipment costs hotels $80,000 to install. And they're installing this expensive stuff that's not only expensive, but doesn't look good cosmetically in front of a pool or a high. for a sect of the population that is so minute that most of these things rarely, if ever, get used. And so now what they're saying here is let me read this again.

The facility must also be able to accommodate the animal size, meaning, uh-oh, looks like us, the taxpayers are now going to pay for schools all over the country to install barn doors or horse doors so we can facilitate the kid that needs to come to school because he can't learn biology, math, in English, unless triggers standing beside him.

Yeah, I can't really focus unless my goddamn horses beside me. So, yeah, you better put in a $20,000 ramp and a $50,000 barn door. And yeah, you know, while you're at it, why don't you just put a stall in from a horse? And could I have four bales of four? fresh hay and some grass seed.

I mean, folks, what is happening, man? And this isn't about knocking anyone with a disability or knocking anyone who has special needs, but where does it end? I mean, where does it freaking end? What are we willing to put up with, oh, I've, you know what? I need a giraffe. Yeah, I just don't feel myself without an 18-foot giraffe at my

my side. You know, boy, oh boy, can you, can I get my draft on the airplane because I have to fly to school and I'm going to need a 19 foot archway in the front of the school because, you know, I don't want my draft to hit its head. You know, he's 18 feet. So I need that head space, that clearance. So, yeah, can you, can you? Oh, and by the way, I need my hippo with me too for gym class, you know, just for, you know, just so I don't have a panic attack. Good lord. Adult miniature horses can weigh up to 250 pounds according to the American Miniature Horse Association. Okay, so now what about the kids at school who are maybe frightened by a small horse? What about the kids at school that now become at risk should the

horse become agitated one day and kick a kid? And I don't know if you've ever ever seen a horse kick, but they could kill you, man. Even a miniature horse would pack a wallop. But do we care about all the other kids who could be hurt or injured? Or catch some kind of airborne disease from the horse feces dropping all over the biology lab or an English class? Does the horse hair cause allergies to anyone? I mean, folks, really?

And here's where the proof in the pudding is. None of this stuff existed 20, 30 years ago. Everyone was just fine. But now people just come up with stuff. It's like the monkey thing where some guy left his camera out, the monkey took a selfie, and some groups got to get involved and claim that the monkey owns the rights to the selfie.

And now some group claims that, well, kids need a, you know, if this kid doesn't have a horse with them, you know, in science class, he could become a problem child. Can I just throw something out here? Do you think maybe your kid's got a problem already? If he needs to walk around town with a freaking horse? a baby miniature horse on top of it? What is happening to this country?

It's, now I can see if this was a one-off. If this was like a special kid who was, you know, maybe he was a kid with, with, you know, down syndrome, or maybe the kid had, I'm trying to think of some other kind of physical or mental ailments.

And sometimes you read these stories where a child connects with a dolphin or a child has a special connection with a dog or something. And those are one in a million. Okay, autism or other things like that. Are we opening the door to kids having an excuse to bring their horse to school? Hey, man, where do you go to school? I go to a little house on the prairie over there on Fifth Street. Oh, is that the school where they allow horses? Oh, yeah, that's right.

Oh, cool, because I just got a black angus calf, and, you know, I can't be without the smell of veal. My father's a cook, and if I don't smell veal, I, you know, I break out in acne, my ankles swell up, and I could get pregnant. Oh, well, come on down to my school, yeah. I'm sure since they allow horses, they'll allow baby calves. Okay, awesome.

Oh, God. And again, I'm not ragging on people or children with special needs. I get it. Some people, the odd, odd person needs it. But how far open do we push this door? You know, my kid really can't focus unless he's surrounded by 12 circus clowns. So I hope you don't mind if we have 12 circus clouds. Yeah, my child can't comprehend.

and the education system, unless he's laying face down on a table and has 12 Turkish masseuses rubbing olive oil on his back and on his naked buttocks. I mean, where do we draw the line on all this lunacy? At what point do we just go, you know what? Hey, we're sorry for your kid, but we really can't have a large hoofed animal

wandering through the school. We might have to make other arrangements. We might have to homeschool. We might have to find some tutors. Or maybe, you know, maybe send your kid to a therapist, help him work through the issues so that he doesn't have to go through life with a fucking horse beside him.

I mean, is this fucking horse going to be there at his wedding? I now pronounce you, man and wife, and horse. Is this guy going to be there the first time he loses his virginity? Oh, take me, David. Okay, as long as my horse can come. You know what? Forget it.

Is this horse going to be there when he goes to the DMV? I mean, how, how, where doesn't he need his horse? If he can't cope at school with his horse, I guess he can't cope sitting in a movie theater. I mean, what, what is the kid picking, buildings and areas of life where he has to have a horse? Does he have to bring the horse to the food court at the mall? Does the horse have to watch while he has sexual intercourse?

I mean, where does it end, man? At what point do we the people go, you know, the whole horse thing? Yeah, a load of horse shit is what it is. It's not a horse kid, it's a load of horse shit. And the reason why I'm ragging on it so much is because the more we open this door, the more other kids are going to start to see it, they're going to take advantage of it. Parents who are too weak to stand up to their children are going to buckle in. It's just going to become more and more of a carnival.

And then more and more people are going to get aggravated and things are going to go wrong and fights are going to start and people are going to get mad. And it's all because no one has the balls to say, No, you can't bring a goddamn horse to school. If you've got an issue, go see a horse whisperer. Go talk to a doctor. Get some help, kid. But this is a school where we sit at our desk and we learn

we don't bring large hoofed animals that shit on the floor into the classroom. What, a dog's not enough for this kid? You know, you couldn't just get a big dog. It, by the looks of these miniature horses, a Great Danes bigger than these horses. But no, it's got to be a horse, specifically a horse. It can be nothing but a horse.

I mean, how was this kid raised? What did his parents do? Is that mental abuse? Is that child abuse? At what point? Are you a bad parent when you've raised a kid that can't function without a living fucking horse by his side? What is wrong with you?

so there you go i might have miscategorized this segment this might have got this should have probably been split with the you know you're pissing me off and the crazy news story but that's it i'm just reporting it folks i could be wrong but i think i'm right the harland highway crazy pissed off news story Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Harlan Highway Celebrity Races. I'm Charles Parsley. Our celebrities are at the post today. They're lined up, ready to run.

We have Tyra Bank, Supermodel and host of America's Got Talent. Next to her, and the next stall number four is Caitlin Jenner. Caitlin Jenner wearing a wonderful flowing dress and heels as she gets ready to run down the celebrity racetrack. And in track one and two, late-night television hosts Stephen Cobain, Seth Myers. They're all jostling ready to go. They're amped up waiting for the bell for this celebrity race to begin. And there it is. There's the bell.

The gates are open and the celebrities are charging down the track. It looks like Caitlin Jenner is having a bit of trouble. Her high heels getting stuck in the deep soil on the track. And it looks like Tyra Banks is charging down the track, taking the lead. She's obviously stuffed her overweight body into a dress that's too tight and it must be pumping blood to her legs. Her chubby legs are swelling up and it's giving her extra horsepower. Here comes Stephen Covey and Seth Myers. They're running in tandem side by side, running past the crowd.

They stop. They stop in front of the crowd. It looks like they're addressing the crowd. They're standing there and they're making some anti-Trump jokes. They've just labeled Trump a racist and a hope. homophobe, and after their comets they are standing, they're gloating, looking very proud of themselves, marinating in their own comedy, and yet half the crowd doesn't really seem to support them. And here comes Caitlin Jenner.

Caitlin Jenner tried to move down the track. In frustration, Kate and Jenner's taken her high heels off. They look like they could be Prada heels, very expensive. She's thrown them over the fence. Caitlin Jenner running barefoot, but it's not really helping me. While Tyra Banks, Tyra Banks, her dress getting tighter, her supermodel body days long gone by, her dress, it's popping open, it's ripping at the seam, she cannot contain her flubber, and it's causing the blood that was pumped to her legs to slow down, and now Seth Myers and Stephen

Kobe have gone into the crowd. It looks like they're starting to do a late-night TV monologue. More anti-Trump jokes as they stand there with these gloating looks on their face. very self-satisfied that they've labeled a man a racist and equated him to Adolf Hitler. They look so self-serving and so proud of themselves. Oh, do they look clever, but the crowd's booing them. They're not having any of it. And here comes, here comes Caitlin Jenner. She's trying to get some steam.

She's trying to, and it looks like, oh my goodness, she's whipped her dress off. Caitlin Jenner's ripped a dress off, and she's pulling off her breasts. She's ripped her breasts off. What is happening here? She's holding her breath. She's holding her breath. She seems to be pumping her stomach. She's holding her breath and cheeks are swelling up.

And it looks like something's popping out of a groin area. It looks like she's popped her penis back out. Caitlin Jenner has gone and now Bruce Jenner is on the track. The Bruce Jenner we knew from the Olympics. He's charging down the track. He's racing past. Tyra Banks, who's given up, she's laying on the track, eating a full strawberry short king with whipped cream.

Bruce Jenner, he's in his little shorts. He's running down the track. He's past her. Myers and Stephen Comer to self-absorbed thinking they're great the comedians and here she got Bruce Jenna Bruce Jenna has won

here oh my goodness what a finish Caitlin Jenna just not able to find the physical power to get over the finish line and totally abandons the Caitlin Jenna sex change and reverts back

miraculously to Bruce Jenna and using all the tools in his tool chest from when he won in the Olympics he won gold, brought back all his track and field knowledge and know-how and stormed past Tyra Banks, who had a huge giant wardrobe malfunction, all her tucked in beef blowing all over the place, and Seth Myers and Stephen Comer too self-absorbed with their diatribe on slamming Donald Trump,

so self-absorbed with their tirade against our president that they actually missed out running down the track and chose to stand in the crowd and receive the adulation from the crowd for their horrible remarks. What an incredible day. I hope you enjoyed the Holland Highway Celebrity Races. I'm Charles Pazley and we'll see you next time. Wow, what a race. What an exciting race as called by Charles Parsley. Thank you, Charles. Man, Caitlin Jenner had to reverse her sex change and become Bruce Jenner again to pull it off to run down the track and win.

Tyra Banks trying to disguise her weight in her tight designer dresses didn't work. And, of course, Seth Myers and Stephen Co. Bear, who I guess kind of consider themselves geniuses for making repetitive anti-Trump jokes over and over and over and over again and saying the most slanderous and horrible things you can ever say about another human being. I guess they got just too wrapped up in their own egos and their own ratings and they missed the race standing in the crowd. Oh, well, that's what happens.

uh goodness so exciting my adrenaline's still going what a what a what a race man roger i don't think we can top that man i think we we got to end it right here this this is uh this is the best place to to end this podcast man are you kidding wow let's jump into some uh some announcements here speaking of uh self-absorbed gloating stand-up comedy How about me? How about come see me be self-absorbed and gloating in my own stand-up marination juices? Yeah, it starts tonight, ladies and gentlemen, Portland, Oregon, which I believe is a place that doesn't like Donald Trump very much. But who knows?

There's a little bit of everybody everywhere, isn't there? I will be at the helium comedy club starting tonight, September 21st to the 24th. Please come and check it out. It's going to be great shows, man. I love the helium comedy club. Really cool crowds, really hip people. And it's going to be a blast, baby.

A blast. So that's tonight, Thursday, September 21st, through to Sunday the 24th. Come on out. get your tickets at harland williams.com or you can go to uh to chicago and see me the following weekend next weekend and that will be september 28th through october 1st mm-hmm yeah man uh that'll be just outside of chicago at the improv in schomburg schomburg illinois uh the improv great club beautiful club love playing There haven't been there for a while, so looking forward to that.

And then October 12th to the 15th, yours truly will be in Irvine, California, Orange County, at the Irvine Improv, October 12th to the 15th. And then here's a new one. I'll be in Burbank, California. October 20th to the 21st at Flappers. This is a great comedy club right in downtown Burbank, California. two nights only. That's going to be October 20th and 21st. Very intimate club.

A lot of clubs are spaced out and really big, but what's cool about flappers, it's got lots of seats, but there's a real, something about it. It's real intimate. Everyone's really up close, and it's kind of cool, man. And then going into November,

I'll be in Buffalo at the Helium Club. I'll be in San Jose at the Improv. I'll be in Edmonton, Alberta, at the Rick Bronson Comedy Club. So check out Harlowl Williams.com for all those dates. You can also order your tickets right there online at Harlowilliams.com. And while you're there, check out our store. We have lots of fun gifts we can send out to you.

DVDs, music. Me and my cousin have a band called The Cousins. You can buy our music on iTunes. The album's called Rattlesnake Love. Hope you check it out. See if there's a song on there you like. We have my children's books on my website. We have just all kinds of stuff.

Check it out, baby. Also, while you're there, if you want to leave me an email, we have a wonderful, what you want to call it, contact link. In fact, Roger, maybe next show we should read some letters from the mailbag. I feel like we haven't read any of the listeners' mail for a while. So maybe next show will do that. Also, if you want to leave me a voicemail, oh yeah, 323739, 43330, 323, 323, and, you know, love to hear from you. So there you go, man. That's it. Keep on, keeping on. Be groovy. Keep your eyes and ears peeled for Rocket Man.

And that's it. Thanks for being here, everybody. Tell your friends, become a premium member if you want for $20. You get the whole library of Harland Highway podcast over 900. Also get our free app. Go into your app store and type in the Harland Highway, and you will get a free app to listen to the show wherever you may be. And I'll leave it right there.

Thanks again. Till next time. Chicken. Chalmain, baby. Rocket man is on a suicide mission for himself and for his regime. The United States is ready, willing, and able. But hopefully this will not be necessary. Thank you.