The Harland Highway - 91 - JEFF ROSS - Comedian/Actor/Roastmaster!

Episode Date: January 16, 2024

Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster, talks about some of the stand up greats that died recently, and also gets handed the ultimate roast challenge by Harland. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Jeff Ross, the ultimate roast, I want to see you roast a roast, okay? This is Hank, Hank the roast, and I'm going to do Hank's voice to help you roast the roast. Some poor cow died so that you could be part of this fucking podcast. Oh, man, you're really getting my grizzle going, Jeff. Anyway, let's cut the fat, Harlan. You're riding down the Harland Highway All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway show Harland Williams

Oh, those are cool, dude I like those Do you like those shades? Oh, those are sweet What? I like this background right looks like you're cruising down like i'm gonna post this and say like looks like you're on ventura highway or whatever it is oh dude oh shades sweet potato pie yeah just throw that on the floor

harland i have nice clothes i'm not throwing them on the floor what about dropping them on the floor like is there a difference between drop and throw really wait a minute i have nice clothes and then look at your t-shirt i got that jacket in paris that's why i can it's fancy can we can we see it can you hold it up i didn't really get a look at your jacket but it's so that i could offset my oh you want to see my i'd love to see it i mean how often do we get to see a paris jacket bro like i don't know if when I've seen a Paris jacket. Okay.

Let's see. Wow. What's it? Oh, it says France. Yeah. And the other side is Japan. Oh, so you can turn it inside out? It's reversible.

So if you're in Japan, you just turn it inside out. And if you're in France. Actually, when I'm in Japan, I wear France. And when I'm in France, I wear Japan, just so not obvious. to mess with them. Yeah. Do you have the Bakersfield Fresno jacket? The one that turns around for when you're in Bakersfield and Fresno by Kenzo?

Yeah. That's what I, that's my jacket. I have the reversible Fresno Bakersfield. Yeah. And I have the Cleveland, Pittsburgh trousers. This actually has a matching hoodie. No. By Kenzo.

I got it in Paris during fashion week. You were a fashion week? Yeah. I walked in a fashion show. No, you did it. I'm a model. I was in Vogue. What?

Yeah. What was it like Dolce and Gabana? It was, uh, Prada. It was fatty in the cabana. Yeah. Harlan. What? What?

Yeah, put your jacket, your French, uh, Japanese jacket. That's, that's insane. You really walk the catwalk? Yeah. For kid super. What's that? it's a clothing brand out of brooklyn way we're you on the catwalk with like the likes of hidey clume and a tyra banks

no way yeah so it was you and tyra banks yeah yeah dude that's hot right that's sex on a fucking catwalk there's a packed house were you did you get all the applause and the people clicking their cameras i came out and i made some jokes about my outfit what were you wearing I had, like, a hat and a purse and a matching, like, denim suit with bright colors on it. I said, now I'm ready for my fishing trip with Elton John. But I looked super cool. It was a fun show. Oh, dude.

I think you could look it up. I think you can look it up. On YouTube. Yeah. You have Fashion Week blows my mind. It was so much fun. Oh, wow. Did you get laid?

I did. How many times? Once. model it was it was I can't say because I'm under a strict

I'm joking policy yeah but it was a model or you can't no I was there with a girlfriend oh okay okay so we made it a romantic trip dude that's so cool Paris is amazing I don't know if you spent much time there dude Paris is I love Paris

I crazy glued my cowboy boots to the Eiffel Tower once. Is that true? Yeah. Did it hurt? No, what I see, what I do is I take my shoes, like, you know how you, you have a pair of shoes or boots or whatever, and you travel? We travel a lot, right?

Yeah. And I feel like they're your companions, and when you wear them out and you don't wear them anymore, they deserve more than just being tossed out or given to the Salvation Army. so I always try to retire my shoes in, like, really cool places. And so I've retired shoes in the Amazon rainforest. Really? I've retired shoes in Death Valley. It's not littering or bad for the environment?

Well, it might be, but they're shoes. If they don't like it, they can walk away. I did something like that with my uncle Murray's ashes. What'd you do? Just took him to all his favorite places, but I retired him, but you're like throwing shoes around. So you're the one who, when you walk, you see them hanging over the telephone wires? No, I haven't thrown any in the telephone wires.

I did hang a pair. I did an interview on the set of Saturday Night Live once, and I hung a pair up in the rafters at Saturday Night Live. But the ones that, the ones that, the ones in the Eiffel Tower, I took my cowboy boots, I wore them up, the old ones. I had a new pair under my coat. I literally stopped at the hardware store and bought a tube of crazy glue

I stood on the ledge up on the Eiffel Tower I crazy glued the bottom of my cowboy boots stood on the metal stepped out of my boots into the new boots and then stepped away and there was just this pair of boots and it looked like someone leaned over the side

to take a picture and fell out of their boots and people were standing around my boots taking pictures it was ridiculous Like a crime scene, like a tourism. Yeah, I didn't think of it like that, but maybe a crime scene. Thanks for letting me borrow your sunglasses. Yeah, I mean, damn, it's bright in here, isn't it? It was just, I couldn't, I wasn't ready.

They suit you, though. You look a bit like Daredevil. This has all the warmth of a Papsmere, this studio. That's the name of my rabbi, by the way. This is about as cozy as an indictment. Oh, dude. Welcome to the OJ papers. Dude, but I thought

I thought Fashion Week was in Milan, Italy. I didn't know it was in Paris. I think that moves around. They have one in New York. Wow. You're really fixated on this. Well, I just, I'm picturing you, you know, walking down the catwalk. Google Jeff Ross Vogue right now.

Really? Yeah. Are you clothed when you're doing it? Yeah, I look great. No. I mean, I'm trying to get in shape now. Yeah. Yeah.

But did you have it like, They always have these extravagant outfits like a fur or a bird's nest on your head or whatever. Are you getting turned on? I don't understand. I think I might be. You want to picture me and all. I think I do. I looked.

This one wasn't, it was over the top for me. Yeah. Yeah. But I still wear the clothes. Like I got some more the same designer and wore some of the Madison Square Garden when I did some shows there with, on Dave Chappelle's birthday. Oh, yeah. You and Chappelle hang around a lot, huh? You're chummy? Been all over the world together. You and him? Yeah. Chumsies. Since we're like kids.

What, really? I didn't know that. Yeah, he was just starting out as a teenager and I was in my early 20s when we started hanging out. I had no idea. Oh, yeah. I used to, we'd always be hanging out all day in Washington Square Park. You're tighter with Chappelle than I am because everyone asked me, you know, because we did half bake together. Yeah. And they're like, oh, you hang around with Dave. I barely ever see him. He's in Ohio, but here's why, because you're with them all the time. Thanks.

Well, he goes, you know, he's on the road, Harlan. You stay here. You know, you're on the road. You don't, you're not in the same cities. He's playing major metropolises. Wow. You're doing like wherever that road leads to, the Harlan Highway. The highway.

Where does that leave to Patton Oswald Valley to make a write it at Ridge Voss Lane and back up over. Patton Oswald Valley. Is that what you said? I don't know. I'm looking around. I'm over here, and I'm over here on Bruce Smyranoff, Florida over here. Bruce Smyranoff, he says. What's up from, what's up, Florida?

We're out here. What's up? Remember Bruce Smyranoff? He had this joke. He goes, he goes, he goes, I told my mother I was moving to Los Angeles. It was supposed to be very otse-fotzy. I got here. It was very gunsy-knivesy.

Shout out to Bruce. Is he still around? Oh, yeah. Oh, man, he's a funny dude. Wait, hold on. I'm getting a... I have to do another podcast real quick. Yeah, yeah.

Do I need my cans? Yeah, ready? Because here comes the theme music. Oh, really? Yeah, folks. Welcome to the Holland Highway podcast. I do my intros in Cajun. Welcome to the Hall of Highway podcast.

And my buddy, fellow comedian, actor, Jeff, Ross is here today. Jeff. Dude, welcome. Wait, so we weren't, you weren't podcasting up until right now? Oh, yeah,

we were. But that's, what I do is it's, I do small talk. I talk about modeling, fashion stuff. I saw that. And then I sort of segue in.

And when I feel things are ripe, like when I feel you're ripe, I hit, I hit the theme music. I'm ripe, man, I'm ripe like a banana. You're ripe like a fucking,

my new show is about bananas. No way. I wear a bruised banana. Hello bruised banana costume, essentially. What are you talking about your new show? It's called Take a Banana for the Ride. My grandfather, when I was starting out, he used to give me money.

I'd take them to the doctor all day or whatever, and then at night I'd go to New York and do open mics. Yeah. And my pop Jack would always give me a few dollars for the tolls and gas and a banana. And he'd say, take a banana for the ride. And the show sort of jumps off about our relationship. and with your uncle my grandfather is he still alive no oh so that that's sort of he was my grandfather you know yeah oh how old was he when he passed he was uh 41 he was old he was in his

80s he could still drive at night so he got a lot of chicks yeah yeah but he had a he was he was good he was old and sick but is somehow he was still making love but what what was the thing with the banana why did he want you to have a banana you never know when you need a dildo or some potassium in a in a pinch yeah yeah well it's bananas are also um uh you know if you're nervous it'll slow down your heart rate or you're a lot if you get hungry it'll like it will yeah banana it's like it's also his my grandfather's way it was also his way of saying i can't go with you but i'm going with you on the ride oh i like that i'm doing the show at the uh netflix is a joke fest and I'm doing it at a moon tower fest

and I'm going to do it hopefully some other places. Damn, boy. You'll love it. It's like a one-man show. It's the first person I'm telling about it. You are? I am. This is an exclusive for sure.

This is a banana exclusive? Yeah. You know, when I was- Bananas are like people. They get bruised, but they're still- They're still hearty. Yeah. My grandmother used to sing me a banana song.

Well, what was it? She just, I'm not kidding. We'd be in the kitchen and she'd just start going, oh have a banana and she'd like shake her head like that and it was like i always remembered it just out of nowhere oh have a banana what the hell that makes me so happy i know it made me i've always remembered it my whole life my mom used to write notes and put it in my lunch and she'd write me a little note on the banana have a nice day i love you she did gerbil died so yeah she would write little notes my mom you have happy memories about your lunches yeah i'm not joking

jeff when i was in high school my mother was so bad at making the little brown bag lunches i'm not this isn't even a bit yeah kids in the cafeteria would gather around me to watch me open my lunch because it was so my mother's peanut butter sandwiches there was like giant clumps and butter one time I pulled out an apple there was a bite out of it like they would just crack up yeah they hated my mother

and I'd just toss them in the garbage and go to the cafeteria and shoplift a chocolate cream filled donut yeah the worst did you ever talk to her complain and you ever come home and go my I can't eat that no I only complained

I used to like, when I was in grade school, I'd come home for French toast. I always wanted French toast. Yeah, I love French toast. And I'd always want, and one day, I guess we were out of regular white bread and my mom made it with like pumpernickel or whatever, a rye bread.

It has a little seeds in it. Yeah. And I go, ew, this is horrible. It's the only time my mother got mad. She threw a plate at my head. Oh, yeah. So a little trauma there. Huh.

Does your mother ever throw a plate at you or get violent? I'm sorry. No, never. She will. my mom was uh what had huge tits that was how big big the biggest like a milth was she a milth no like how big are we talking as big as they get wow did you love breastfeeding did you breastfeed until you were like 19 no i was i was pretty independent pretty quick god i used to breastfeed on my neighbor's mother's Tits.

Really? Yeah, I just, my mother, she gave me the hunger. Like, once I had my mother, I was like, this is good. And then I noticed the other mothers in the neighborhood had. And I was like, let's go. My parents would catch me suckling Mrs. Johnson. Suckling Mrs. Davidson. Really?

More than one. Oh, yeah. The whole street got a good suckling. Were you on a cul-de-sac or how did it work? Could they see you baking the rounds? or were you be able to go through the backyards or how did it work? It's just a cul-de-sac of suckling, is what I called it. Did you dig tunnels and go from?

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use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Bing. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I used to love that show, Hogan's Heroes. Can you imagine if they made that today? Like a show about a bunch of funny guys in a Nazi fucking war camp? It'd be like five, right? How long will it take for there to be like a sitcom about five hostages being held by Hamas? Shit, that's coming.

Yeah. Back then, if this happened in the 60s 70s, there would be. Yeah. Because I had... Gilbert Godfrey used to have some kind of joke. I can never do it justice, but it was about the pitch meeting for Hogan's heroes. Yeah, I bet. It's like, you know, all right, it takes place in a concentration game. All right, I like it. Tell me more. Tell me more. Can you believe he's gone? Can't. Fuck, dude. Can't. Love that guy. I know we lot, like last year, not to start the show on a downer,

but we lost like five cool comedians last year. Sagitt, Norm, everybody. Gilbert, Bob, Sagitt, Norm, Louis. That's why we got to keep rocking it out there, bro. All those guys died within a year of each other. I know. That's what made it so, like, such a weird year. Yeah.

It made me look back at stuff I'd written when my parents and my grandfather passed away decades ago because losing those three guys in a row was like it was like losing your tribe i was like wait what just happened i couldn't believe it because yeah i love those guys yeah and you know it's weird i don't want this to sound like like freaky in any way but sometimes if you're having a bad day or something like i'll think because all those guys were our friends and like this just happened literally like about three days ago and i thought to myself somehow they popped Norm popped into my head, and I was just like, he's not here anymore. Like, he's just, he's gone.

He doesn't exist anymore. And anything that's happening with me today, I'm happy to be alive. Like, you know what I mean? It's like, it's just like, it's so like, it's like shutting off a light switch. It's so weird. Yeah. So it's just like, you know, you take from their death to remind you just to live and just embrace it man because it's just like it's not that like they're memories here like all the material

and all the specials and all the jokes but them they're organic essence it's just they're not here it's that simple and it's just like oh fuck you know there's so many times i want to call bob sagat and ask him a question really not yet you know comedy was was up there but he he he could talk and give advice about almost anything when he did that with you though was it real because he was such a jokester like he and he liked to get deep like he liked to look you in the eye yeah so tell me what's going on but it was there for you yeah but did were you ever in a place where you thought it wasn't was it was sort of joky or did he did he ever get real real with you oh always you know he was very vulnerable and the good pals but the most vulnerable he would really get publicly was at his

benefits that he would host for the scleriderma research found oh yeah his sister had scleridema and uh which is also the name of my sister she's greek that's such a weird question you should do the benefit next well she should i'm busy i hosted the last two now without up really yeah oh god and that's a disease where your skin gets super tight like isn't it it it's almost like it starts to like squeeze you in almost, isn't it? Very, very painful. You try to move and your skin will, like, split? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, God. It's a tragic thing. And he's been doing these things for over 20 years. He's been hosting his cool comedy hot cuisine events. And his wife, Kelly, has been booking it with Susan Fenninger, the same people who run a border grill in these great restaurants. And we just did another one in New York a couple weeks ago during the New York Comedy Festival. and John Mayer and I hosted the one in Beverly Hills earlier in the year.

And it's Bob, you know, to answer your question was that was the time he was most vulnerable. That's when Bob got the deepest when he was hosting those scleriderma benefits, yeah. But he would get the deepest in front of everybody. He would start to cry talking about it. Yeah. And then you saw a side of him that. and by the way these were like very uh there's patients there there's doctors there his family's there people he you know yeah shares his does his comedy with they're there so

he would be extra vulnerable and he really wanted people to understand um how important it was to find a cure so bob got that was the one thing and the only one time he would really like be on me about something he's like are you going to do the benefit are you going to do the answer please we do the benefit if you do it then i can get this one to do it and you You know, he had all the, he had all the biggest comedy stars over the years. Oh, yeah. But what would you- We had Michael Chey and Nikki Glazer and Ronnie Chang in New York last month and counting crows.

And so it's always amazing. Chappelle and Bill Burge did it in L.A. Wow. So, like, his legacy stays up. Yeah. And Gilbert's legacy stays up through Dara and his kids. Yeah. And Norm, his last thing that they showed on Netflix.

was so cool but you're right like he's gone i feel like it's going to be tougher for us to think of norm like in it in new ways like i wish he was talking about everything that's going on in the world like talking about the elections and trump and all this shit right now yeah yeah i miss his voice in the world and the way he sounds and you know it's just you know my favorite one was uh you know he would talk about like laughter is the best medicine unless you're diabetic that insulin is the best medicine. He was great. He could take such a simple thing

and just turn it upside down and make it funny like that, man. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's weird. They're just gone. But when you would tap into Saget, like what type of things would you go to him for?

Like, when you say you go to him to it for advice. Relationship advice. Really? Any man stuff. Really? Doctor stuff. If you needed a card. You needed to get any kind of like, you know, he knew, he knew everyone in town and he knew

real estate and legal stuff. He would know because he's got three kids. Yeah. Been married twice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His ex-wife and his wife get along like they were, they're both lovely, you know, both his wives. Yeah.

Lovely people never had a bad thing to say about him even. Yeah. You know, and they made three great, beautiful kids. So I think that Bob really, even though he's gone way too soon, he really did it. He lived life to the max. He enjoyed his life. Yeah, he did. And, you know, like, people are going to talk about him and remember him, like, forever.

Yeah. It's one of those guys. Like, I don't know how to who you compare that to. Well, there's a side of him, too, that a lot of people didn't know. And I did a movie with him. Right. Dirty work. Are you kidding?

I mean, I'm sorry, help me out for a second. Half-Baked. He was in Half-Baked. Right. We were in it, but he actually directed me. I starred in a movie that he directed. It was called Becoming Dick. What?

And it was for E. The E-Network at one point was doing their own movies. Sure, sure. So I got cast in this movie. So Bob directed me, and so I got really, it was me and Bob. Bob was the director, and Robert Wagner was the other co-star. Man, Harlan, this is, like, news to me. Did he help you with, like, like, girl problems?

Like, was he actually able to. He would pick me up. He was always there for you as a friend. Like, he would. Yeah, he was. He would pick me up, uh, you know, he'd just pick me up like midnight. And he'd like, we need a pastrami sandwich. Oh, yeah.

We wouldn't even have to talk about it if I don't want to. It would be like two minutes about the breakup and two hours about, like, how, good as this fucking bistrami and where we going for the super bowl or whatever you know it's just and he but but he really does he was great with the pep talks and uh bob would always would always be you know do what's good for you that's what he'd always are you one of those guys that sort of needs that stuff like do you are you one of those guys that's just kind of a strong i know what i need or do you need the input of friends to help you and like create a support system and i i do i do lean on my friends for you do yeah i

do so that's that's being a bit vulnerable because you have to open up to your friends yeah and is that easy for you to do or hard to do it's never that's it's not easy yeah yeah small increments yeah yeah because you got to be pretty trusting to to let like a bob sagin or a chapelle or whoever your buddies are it hurts when you lose a friend harle because you put so much of an emotional investment they know your history they know everything and then suddenly they're gone in an instant yeah I know I know Oh, believe me, I know, yeah. There's a picture that I use in my show that I told you about. Yeah, the banana one?

I use a picture of me in a restaurant booth with Norm, Gilbert, and Bob. Oh, wow. Over at Jones. Jones on Melrose. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's here in L.A., right? It's on Santa Monica, yeah.

Santa Monica, yeah, Jones. Yeah, I know the place. So we had a dinner there one night. Yeah. And, and, um, yeah, that was, this is a weird, this is, because when you said that, this is a creepy, morbid question, but I'm going to ask it because it popped into my head. Yeah. And we're just being real here, bro, Safia. You think, are you going to say it's bad luck that you're sitting with me?

No, what I was going to say. It's like the shining people disappear from the picture. Do you feel a little, like, this is so weird, but I think it's because I'm putting myself in your shoes. do you feel guilty that you're in that picture and those three guys are gone? It's obviously you don't, but it's a weird, it's a weird thing, right? Like, it's got to be weird to look at that picture. I don't think, I try not to let it hit me in a, in that way, in a emotional way. Yeah, yeah.

It's a matter of factly, but it is a good, that's a solid. question. It is. You can't help but ask it. That's why I say I'm putting myself and I go, God. Maybe that's why I think about them so much. Yeah. Talk about them. Do you, you have that picture? It's your picture or that's a picture hanging somewhere. Dara, Gilbert's wife, Dara and Adam Eagat were both with us. Oh, okay. So I think Adam took it. I'm not sure. And, but I do have the, I mean, the picture's been everywhere. But yeah. Wow. I mean, the picture when norm died gilbert posted it oh wow so the picture people saw it you know and uh because we all look so happy and i know do you do you think sometimes people and i was you know

beside like i love norm and i have a lot of history with norm my first person i over opened for on the room is norm and i joined to his letterman and i gambled with norm and i worshipped him I would run home from the comedy clubs to see Norm on Letterman. But I can't say I knew him. Like Bob and Gilbert were two of my closest, closest confidants. So when Norm died, it hit those two guys so hard because Norm kept so much from us. Oh, yeah. As his friend, you know, Bob was obviously close with Norm.

Well, I don't know if you know this enough, but I was extremely close with Norm. Yeah. In the early years when we first. moved down here. We were inseparable. Wow. And it was, it was sad because someone wrote on one of my comments the other day, how come you were never on Norm's podcast or how come you, and, and the chronologic order of it is Norm and I were really close in Canada. Then when I came down here, we were like, inseparable. We were together all the time. Like, I knew the real norm.

Canadian fucking cooks. And then we sort of had a little bit of a falling out that I won't go into. and we sort of separated, and I just, this just came up with someone the other day, and I didn't even talk to Norm for about 20 years. Really? And I bumped into him one night at Greenblatt. Over a gambling thing. It wasn't over a gambling thing. Really?

And I never had any animosity. There was no bad blood between us, but there was just something that went down that I just, you know, it just, it didn't, it pushed us apart. Sure. And, and I saw him like 20 years later, and we just bumped into each other at Greenblats, which is a famous deli down on sunset. Close. And it was just like we sort of like,

it was like, it's almost like seeing an old girlfriend. Yeah. Couldn't help a smile. Yeah. And it was like, and Norman's like, oh,

hey man, how you doing? And I went, I went, hey, Norm. And he goes, oh,

why don't you call me, man? And I said, you really want me to call you? And he goes, yeah, here's my number. And he gave me his number.

And I said, really? Because we'd been through a lot. Yeah, sure. And it wasn't anything horrible. It was just, It was what it was.

And I said, okay, I'll call you. And I called him. I texted up or I left him a phone message. And I kind of knew the answer. He didn't call back because Norm was like that. He was like, once you kind of separated, that was it. But the time we had together was amazing. And I got to really see the real norm and the show business side of norm.

Not that Norm was a phony, but he had his show business persona and he had his real persona. And I don't know if you know. this, but he would tell me this all the time. I go, you know, we'd talk about it. He goes, ah, and I do this thing, you know, and I go, I go, what are you doing, dude? Because, you know, when we'd get together, just be, like, talking like this.

And he told me, he goes, he goes, I'm just doing Archie Bunker. I go, what? He goes, I'm just doing, I'm doing, like, Ah, Archie Bunker, you know, I'm doing. He told me he's doing a rendition of Archie Bunker. Can you believe it? And so all that stuff was sort of him kind of twisting and mimicking Archie Bunker, which I was happy to hear because to me, Carol O'Connor, as that

persona was genius, like just the inflections. If you were to go back and watch Carol O'Connor, you'd probably pick up a lot of normisms in there. But that's where he kind of built that persona from. Can you believe it? Am that wild? Fascinating. And he told you that. Oh, he told me several times. And I loved it because we were both huge fans of Carol O'Connor. And, you know, Carol, you know, he always said, ah, geez, they read it, you know, ah, geez, they read it. You know, he, so trans, oh, gee, ah, ah, it's an arm, you know, like, so he, he loved it. And so he sort of took from that and helped, help, yeah, I don't think a lot of people know that, but it was. Like, the delivery, would you say that is?

Some of the cadence and the delivery, and of course, he made it his own, but, but he, he used. Well, he used it almost as a vehicle for his unique take on the world. Well, I don't think he used it in terms of Carol O'Connor's character. It was just the person, like the, the, ha, ha, ha, you know, that, the physical and verbal sound. But Norm clearly had his own mental image of how the world works. Of course. That's what I mean. It was his, it was a way to carry it.

Yeah, yeah. Like a vehicle. Like a, it's fascinating. It's interesting because, you know, we talked about Bob. having his side is blue side and then norm have it would you say and if i'm too intrusive tell me but would you say that you have i think we all do a show business side and a you know jeff ross side when you're not modeling you know is is that something you can express or is that something because a lot of guys just want to you know what i don't want to talk about that it is but

yeah you know i to me the like if i'm at a party having fun and someone walks up and goes roast me I can't do it yeah yeah like I definitely have to turn it on yeah I come in peace like until someone like pokes me and I have to like so yeah I have to turn it on like I never it never came to me naturally like that but once I turn it on it it all comes very naturally yeah I can definitely like shut down and uh yeah I don't stay out late in public I won't go to bars Lake is yeah I don't want to have to turn it on you don't want to turn it off for people I don't want to it's also high octane like it's you're making fun of people who are drunk late at night you get killed yeah have you ever had a in all you it's like having a black belt I have to like

you do you have a master black belt I have to I have to I have to like use it's only when absolutely necessarily. It's potent. Yeah, it's like they say martial arts fighters, they have to register their fists as lethal weapons. You have to register your ability to roast as a lethal weapon almost. I have to turn it on. And hey, if you come at me, like suddenly it might instinctively defend, you know, I can be ruthless. But it is a defense mechanism to a degree. Did you find when you were growing up, it was, because I was a guy, I went to an all-boys boarding school. And I was a pipsqueak. And in a boarding school, it's like the nature shows where you see a pack

of hyenas fighting the hierarchy. You know, there's dominant people. There's dominant hyena. And so I literally had my skill set to think quick on my feet and be funny and sort of roast people, not at the level you can, but enough to save my hide. I had to use it almost as my fist, so I totally understand what you're saying. Did you have to do that as a kid? Were you a vulnerable kid that ever got bullied and had to use your skill set to defend yourself? I sing a song in the show that I'm doing.

The banana show? Yeah. Oh, have a banana. Where I have a piano player and a violin player. And I talk about my, like a Broadway music. I'm just talking about my uncle, like, being mean to me when I was a kid and me hating him and then growing up and realizing he was giving me thick skin, preparing me for real life. Moon Murray, my uncle Murray.

Oh, I like that. Yeah, and I didn't talk to him for years. And then I grew up and I realized, like, he was, you know, doing me a good thing, doing a good thing for me. Yeah. And I got my revenge, Harlan, though. Oh, what you do? His 90th birthday, we roasted him. I said, Uncle Murray's planning a big tree.

trip soon to that vase on top of the mantel. It was like the best day. That was such a fun day. I got it to introduce him to Mel Brooks one day. But anyway, I digress, but the point is... Yeah, no worries. Yeah, my Uncle Murray would kind of like...

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conditions apply visit bemo.com slash the i porter to learn more and as as i grew up i had buck teeth and i was getting bullied at school and my mom was like you're going to karate school and she was she dragged me to karate school wow did you did you you stay with it i got i got it was tough at first i was awkward and kind of wimpy but had a rather than get beat up all day at karate school and regular school yeah i just uh stuck with it and really loved it actually oh wow won some uh tournaments and uh really oh amazing i went up getting a black belt oh man i did the i did judo uh-huh and i ended up getting a white belt which is the belt you're given when you start and i never got the next belt oh not that's too bad

Well, I didn't like it because one time one of my last fights, the kid peed his pants. Really? And in judo, you wear these like white outfits and the ghee. And here I'm wrestling around with Piss Boy. And I was a little whippersnapper and our judo instructor would literally pick us up and throw us around like we were full grown men and just slam us. And I was like, this is crazy. So I ended up having to kind of develop my wit to help me survive any bullying or any, intimidation.

Yeah. It's a pretty, I mean, you can attest to this. It's a pretty powerful weapon when you can shut down a bully who's physical. Yeah. With words and kind of, my threat, I don't know what yours was. It's like, hey, dude, you punch me. I'm going to invent a nickname that every kid in this school is going to call you. Wow.

And it's going to be a weird, funny one. And I'm going to say it weird. There was this guy that had warts. And I started going, wight. I called him wight. And I just started going, wait every time and before you know five days in everyone's going what and and that was the power you could learn how to kind of like make people pay if they were going to mess with you at least

that's what I had to do at boarding school but you must have been popular enough where you were able to get that going like if you were like really getting bullied as a solo act just that would be tough well I was popular but they I think they recognize the way people recognize with you that this kid has an ability to mentally dance around me. And that's what people recognize in you, obviously. You're like, to me, you're like the Terminator, because I watch you. I remember in the Terminator, they do the POV camera.

Like he'd look at people and analyze them, like, do, do, do, do you know, like the little thing. Do you, because you're so good at, do you do that when someone first walks up on stage or you see them? Like, your mind must be just picking them apart. Like, what's the process? When I pick them out of the audience, at the end of my show, I bring up volunteers from the audience. And they have to volunteer.

I don't pick people out. They have to stand up and go roast me. Yeah, that's the way you're not vulnerable or liable or anything. Well, you know, you're going to get a good sport. And they're up there for a good time. And inevitably, you know, a lot of people will stand up. But so instantly, without thinking of any jokes or anything, I try to pick a variety.

Yeah. Like, oh, there's a fat guy. Yeah. There's a couple. Oh, that guy's in a wheelchair. She looks like she's like ready for some action. Yeah, yeah. A lot of times, chicks will get all dialed up.

Like, they want to be, they want to come on stage. I had a couple get engaged recently during my speed roast at the end of my show. They must have a great sense of humor. To get engaged during a roast. Yeah. That's, that's a good start. That's a good. point because that that shows you right there that i think that's a key part of a marriage or

relationship is to be able to laugh at each other be sarcastic sure to start off with you roasting them did you like kind of sizzle them pretty good oh yeah no i definitely called them both like out of shape and unattractive and i actually knew what was happening she did and the bride didn't oh really but uh the groom had messaged me oh wow saying um you know that he wanted to get engaged during the show. Wow. So she had no knowledge of it. She had no,

I asked her on stage and she said, well, he was acting kind of weird. He was nervous. Not just about getting engaged, but you're about to get roasted. And she took it? I'm going to have to post this.

I'm going to have to post this. Yeah, you got to post that. Did she take it okay since she wasn't in on it? She was amazing. She was amazing. Then he picked a good girl. If she can handle that.

Yeah. I mean, they were definitely roast fans. But when you bring him on like that, that thing. Are you looking at... I like that, though. I like that terminator analogy.

Yeah, it's like kind of that scope. You're picking off little pieces. Are you looking at physical things? Or are you just hoping it all comes out verbally? Are you going, oh, no, shirt, sweater. And then I put them in my brain, but they're not formed jokes. They're just like, it's like I'm attracted to like the shiny light. Like, what do I see?

Yeah. You put in your head like, okay. Okay, sweater, way too red, way too thick. Shoes, stupid. Hairstyle, 1970s. Like, you just kind of make a mental list of... I'm just basically judging a book by its cover. Yeah.

Or, I don't know what, I'm speed roasting. I mean, it's its own thing. I try to compare it to other stuff, but... It is its own thing. It's a freestyle. Yeah. And it's pretty, it's fucking impressive, man. Thanks, man.

Yeah. Kanye West. once called it a freestyle, which I thought is. That's what it is. It is. It's just because it has to be by default because there's nothing planned. So it has to be freestyle. Yeah. It's just like boom. But I do try to get every shape and size of person up there. If I get like the same four guys wearing flip flops and a baseball hat, I get bored. Yeah. Like I just like, all right, well, so I, and honestly, the physical stuff is a small part of it. Yeah, yeah. I talk to them.

Yeah. And once they, they almost roast themselves just by answering the simplest question of like, I'll say, who are you here with or what are you celebrating? Yeah. What's going on in your life? And then usually it's like it just,

it comes out easy. I don't have to do much. Ever any physical ramifications? Like somebody just didn't get it or didn't appreciate it and came at you. Oh, I get smacked all the time. Really? It's always women. It's always women.

Like slapped and stuff? Like, yeah, like play, you know, like, you know, women are a lot of times will come on stage knowing that they're wearing like a dress or a funny yeah you know like an outfit yeah in Vegas or something all dialed up yeah i think i'm gonna make fun of one thing and then i make fun of another and then it could they get go ah really yeah it's kind of fun have you ever been like outright slapped across the face oh no nothing like that as a dude ever like wailed on you never never and that's part of luckily i'm a black belt and take That's right.

Yeah, that's... I think it gave me the confidence to talk shit for a living. That's right. Yeah, because that's something, you know, you got to have in your toolbox in case things go off the deep end. But I'm, that's why I only rose volunteers. And men under 130 pounds. No, I get big.

I know. Because they're good targets, right? No, it's the best. I always look for, you know. Who would you say? The scarier the person on stage, the funnier. Well, because, yeah, you did a thing. prison where you went to a damn prison and were those guys were like hard and murder were there

murderers and stuff in the group of course of course were you scared at all i'm still scared you're still yeah they're sending guys after you they all get out you know a lot of these guys are getting out they're not all murderers that are but you know yeah i mean you know oh yeah that's do you think you could survive in jail if you ever had to do it i don't know man i don't know man it's a tough that's a tough lifestyle with you being a model and stuff Where would I get my cigarettes and my gym beam? Yeah, dude. Wow.

Who would you say is... I don't know what models drink. Yeah, I don't drink anything because they always purge it back up right away 10 minutes later. Are models still skinny? I don't think that's a thing. I wish they were, man. I think there should be a rule. By the way, speaking to that, like, not a pretzel, not a muffin, nothing here.

This is like, I feel, this is like... Oh, you wanted food? I didn't know. I was going to the... DMV. Wait, you wanted food? I don't know. It's night. It's a nighttime podcast, all right. Well, let's do this. Thank you for accommodating me, by the way, and doing the podcast at night. Oh, dude, are you kidding? We're night. It's actually, I'm glad we, you're the first guy we've ever done it at night. I'm kind of glad because we're night guys. I feel more awake and alive. I should

probably do this more often. I think it's a good vibe. But you brought up food. And I see you're getting excited. So what I want to do is do a little combo thing here. Okay. Okay. Yeah. You've roasted just about everyone from presidents to top celebrities, politicians, sports figures. You've roasted everyone. Okay. You said you don't like to be put on the spot, but I'm going to help you. And you said you wanted some food. So Jeff Ross, the ultimate roast. I want to see you roast a roast, okay? This is Hank, Hank the roast. And I'm going to do Hank's voice to help you roast the roast.

Now let's see, and I hate to put you on the spot. But dude, this is the ultimate roast. Can Jeffrey Ross roast a roast? He's got little eyes. So I'll put them up there. I'll start and let's see what happens. Ready? Hey, how's it going?

Jeff? My name's, uh, Hank. I'm a roast. Well, uh, what a shame that you died for this. Hank. Some poor cow died so that you could be part of this fucking podcast. Well, it wasn't just a cow, Jeff. It was a black Angus.

Black Angus was Harlan Williams. horn name back in the 70s in Canada. Oh, man, you're really getting my grizzle going, Jeff. Anyway, let's cut the fat, Harlan. Whoa. Whoa, what's that, man? Are you calling me chubby? You son of a bitch.

I don't care if you know karate. Wagoo, fuck yourself. Whoa, what the fuck, dude. That hurts. My father was a waggo. Fuck you. I've seen better stakes in Kansas City. Whoa, what the hell's that all?

about. I'm dieting. Leave me alone. Anyway, can I get a steak knife? Let's put this thing out of its misery. Dude. Anyway, these jokes are rare. Whoa, holy shit. That's racist, dude. I'm just saying they're out of the top of my head. They're not fully baked yet. Whoa, you're really revealing yourself.

Anyway, great to be here at Sizzler. You son of a bitch I thought it was over, and you came back with another one. Anyway, it's very rare. I'm better looking than the person I'm roasting. What the hell? I'm going to spray my aus you all over you. Would you call me? Oju?

You don't have to bring politics into it. Dude, I think you did it. I think you... No hard feelings, all right. No hard feelings. No, it's okay. I asked, I volunteered. Give it up for Hank, everybody.

Yeah, thanks a lot. Thank, Jeff. You were great. Thanks, man. Thank you, thank you. Hank will be, where's Hank appearing? Where are you appearing next, Hank? I'm going to be down at Greenblatt's deli at midnight.

Come on in and have a bite. You can feed the laugh factory homeless people on Christmas. Dude, I'm really sorry if I hurt your feelings. That's all right. You know, I kind of asked for it. Yeah, well, good luck in whatever's next for you. Hopefully it's not dog food and it's something fancy. Wait, what the fuck?

You're not a vegetarian mighty chance, are you? No, no, no, I eat meat. Really? Yeah, I mean, good meat, not whatever this is. Jesus Christ. fucking I'm going to teabag you dude I think you do

I think you roasted a roast I feel good about that I feel a little guilty you do you're going to eat it right you're not going to just throw it away right yeah I'm going to eat it all right I don't want it to go to waste is what I'm saying

do you want to take it no no I just saying I don't want it to that whole cow to have existed just for my roast I wanted to also have I'm like... Did you just call me a cow, you son of a bitch? You're no spring chicken yourself there, chubby.

Listen, I already apologized. I don't normally apologize to stakes. Normally, you know what? Can I send this one back? It's cold. Why don't we get a room later and you can tenderize me? Can I get some, uh, can I get some, uh, some, uh, A1 sauce and put this thing out of its... I don't like that it's staring at it.

me, Harley. I know, I know. I'm starting to feel guilty. I know. It's an animal. Let me put it in the back and turn it into a flank steak. That would be good. Yeah. Yeah, get rid. This is making us not easy. You want them to stay?

Unless you're going to cook it right now. All right, I'll move the box, but I'll leave them here. Let them stay. We'll keep them right here. The whole thing's kind of was really fun. That was a great idea, but I really was expecting you to pull like some food out of there. So now I'm just like, oh, that was the whole thing. thing. Oh, you know what? Hey, Amber, there's some cookies on the counter. Do you like the

Pepperidge Farm? Yeah, yeah. Let's do that. Amber, can you bring the cookies in for Jeff? He's a model. Unless you want to go to the mafia game. No, I don't, yeah, give me those. Look at this, dude. Pepperidge Farm. Is that what you want? Yeah, I've won. Dude, have as many as you want. I love watching you eat. I worked out today. I don't want to break my diet too much. I was just working out. I got a Yamika. Yeah, yeah, put it on. There's the Oju Right there Aren't these good You just want to take a minute and eat

And not talk That's okay, dude Yeah sure Cheers Cheers, bro What are you doing for What are you doing for excuse me I'm eating

what are you doing for what are you doing for 4th in July probably barbecue in this guy Hank what are you doing for Bill Murray's birthday when's that

I don't know I'll do the other side these are good um dude we have No bad eating in front of Hank. I know. It's weird to eat in front of food. It's almost kind of like, right?

Sort of sacrilegious. How are you going to eat that, though, right? Maybe. It kind of resembles the mountain, the sunny mountain top behind you. See that? I'm Hank. I'm Hank.

I'm Hank of the mountains. I'm Hank. Hank of the mountains. Mountains. Mountain Hank. I like that little hat. Dude, final segment. You ready?

We do this with all the guests. Oh, yeah. Ready? Hang on. I think you're going to like it. It's called words from a wooden shoe. It's an authentic Dutch clog. inside are a bunch of words you don't look at them you reach in pull a word see if it inspires a story

a memory from your past from your future from your present reach on in there brother words from a wooden shoe with geoffrey ross the roast master roasted a roast don't look be careful i'll roast the host oh i wish you wouldn't dare i'm you know i'm too sensitive for that what's it say bro animal attack no i have to bring my ex-wife into this never been married i'm just joking have you ever attacked by an animal

or seen one you've been privy to one um yeah here we go well it was a dog bite my sister got bit when we were a little my grandfather had a my grandmother died he remarried this lady

and she had a Doberman pinch her would hang around the family catering hall yeah Clinton Manor caterers in Union New Jersey yeah not you know and my sister was probably like six i was probably like eight i don't know i's a guess yeah yeah and whatever my sister was playing

with this dormant pinchers and not a smart dog to play with by the way little kid my parents shouldn't i don't know what happened i was little i have no idea you can say it they hated her and this dog just like whew she was petting it or whatever oh took a little piece out of her chin A little piece of meat, some chin meat. Yeah. She still has a scar. She's beautiful, but she still has a scar. Scars are sexy, by the way.

Yeah. And it was traumatic. How so? Well, just, you know, a little scary. Did it make, you mean it made her terrified a dog? No, she was and I was. Oh. I've, since.

And by the way, that poor dog, like, about four or five weeks later, that dog ate a steak no offense what was his name Hank no offense that dog ate a steak that that had rat poison on it my uncle murray mean Murray it all comes back to mean Murray he killed that dog I believe I found out years later revenge really I don't think he liked the lady My grandfather married, and I don't think he liked a dog, and the dog bit my sister and my uncle gave it some rap poise. I don't think any of this is going to get anybody in trouble. But that's how things were back then.

That's how, and they still are. There's still people still poison animals. It's horrible. Horrible. But I'll tell you what, if I meet a girl and she's got a scar and says, I got that from a Doberman pincer, yeah that's sexy to me i don't know what you find sexy jeff ross that's hot i find a scar on a woman even on a man if it's in the right place it's sexy like i think brad pitt has a scar like right here or something

and when you see it's like it's kind of sexy it's sort of tough yeah and i'll come to think of when i met a guy with a scar the other day and it looked pretty he looked cool what was where was it on his face did he say what it was from i didn't ask it was a looks like it had been a a long time. I remember when I was in college, no word of a lie. I wanted a scar on my face, and I used to go to, for about two weeks I did this. I'd go to, there was this little forest by my dormitory. Such an idiot.

I'd go in the forest and scrape my face on the pine tree, on the bark, purposely hoping I'd get a scar. I thought, if I do this for two weeks, I'll have a cool scar right here. Never worked. I always secretly sort of wished I was attacking. by a mountain lion like the concept of like like four or five claw like four or five claw marks or across my chest like a tattoo across your chest I know but for it to be real dude that well that would be a cool tattoo like but that's a tat if it was real but if it was real how did you get that

oh fought with a mountain lion hello yeah maybe I want to lose a leg to a shark maybe I do maybe I want none with a mountain lion that implies that you may have started it. Yeah, yeah. Maybe I did. Hey, you looking at me, asshole? Let's go. Jeff,

dude, so cool to have you here, man. Thank you, Arlen. Yeah, thank you, man. That's so much fun. Thanks for the cookie. What about the roast? The roast was fun. Buddy, before we go, will you tell folks, like,

where they can see you on tour? You've got to see Jeff, folks. You know that. You got to see the Roastmaster live. If you have social media, whatever you want to plug, dude. Well, thank you, Harlan. I had a good time. Where will I be?

I'll be in Red Bank, New Jersey. Where I'm from. Go and take a banana for the ride. Oh, yeah. At the Count Basie Theater. I've been workshopping this show for a few months at the New York Comedy Festival. Oh, wow. Festival in Chicago and a festival in St. Louis.

Yeah. And I've enjoyed doing it. So I just got asked to do the Count Basie Theater near where I grew up. Wow. And all these old jazz greats. And I'm going to do Moon Tower, three nights at the stateside theater. It's like a show with music and visuals. Yeah, it's like a whole thing.

Wow, it's like a Vegas show almost. Yeah. Oh, cool. It's got swagger. So is it just, is it got stand-up in it or is it a whole different type of? I don't know if I'd call it stand-up. It's stuff, a lot of stuff I developed. yeah um on stage yeah but uh i don't hold a microphone in a traditional sense and i wear

sort of a costume and oh wow backgrounds and a little set and theatrical a couple of songs in there you sing yeah dude one song is my old german shepherd on her deathbed singing to me it's very sentimental so i've come around on the dog thing as you can tell like a dog's or dog lovers really love my show do you want to sing it to me and hank as we go out here You took me in when I was alone. You let me shed all over your home. We cuddled in bed, like husband and vibe. I gave you fleas.

You gave me life. Cause, your one is a good one. Oh. Okay, dude, don't howl at meat. That's not nice. I love. Dude, don't dog howl at meat. Oh, roo roo.

Knock off. Walk off, you're scaring me. He just made me hungry again. I have another cookie. Let's hit the theme music. Harlan, thank you. Dude, are you kidding. Thank you.

And folks, go find Jeff. Go see him do his new show. Roastorgeneral.com. Dot com. Yeah, roastmaster general. And that has all your tour dates, including stand-up, the banana show, everything. Everything, baby. Anything else?

Like a book or a movie? We're in the new half-bank movie together. Oh, yeah, you're right, buddy. Me and you. We finally did a movie together. That'll be good. When's it supposed to come out? Do we know?

I don't know. We shot it this year, early this year. It was in, was it January where we shot it this year? I think it was early in the year down in Nola. It was in the, in Louisiana, yeah. Yeah, pretty cool. I have a fun cameo. Yeah, me too.

We're in our first damn movie together after all these years. How about that, Harlan? Yeah, half bake two, baby. So, folks, check out Jeff. He is the roast master. He's just the master. You're the best. Thank you, Harlan.

I had so much fun. You're so funny. Dude, thank you so much. Hank, I'll see you on the other side, buddy. What's that mean on the other side? Like, you're going to flip me over and do my other side? Son of a bitch, it never ends with this guy. I'm calling the meat police.

All right. Cut, literally. God.