The Harland Highway - 914 - LIVE stand up comedy by Harland? Or someone else???

Episode Date: October 23, 2017

Due to some tech issues we decided to post some stand up comedy. Listen to short intro for explanation. Hope you enjoy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I don't know like I look like... Seriously, I should be able to... Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy. You're not... You're not Tyler Stone. Hold on. Hi guys, Skyler Stone, how you doing?

Thanks for coming out to my comedy night. We've got some more real fun people coming out and I'm really excited to be here. How about I kick things off with a little, who likes impressions? Anybody see the movie Swingers? This guy, Vince Vaughn, who likes this guy? This is my benchmark impression.

Here we go. This is Vince Vaughn at right aid buying condos. Yeah, give me, give me some condoms. I don't see what's going on here. Give me some rubbers. I didn't ask for rubber glasses. I want rubbers for put on my penis. Okay, well, you're not going to laugh at. Let's do someone you like. I have a whole gallery of voices. Who do you guys like? Maybe I shouldn't make this about my act. Let's take care of you. Who do you like guy?

Tom Cruise. Okay, any movie in particular? Mission Impossible. Okay, this is Tom Cruise. I'm sorry if you could watch the show. This is Tom Cruise. This will be fun because you hit on one that I do. Tom Cruise jumping, Mission Impossible, two or three?

Two, okay. Good, good choice, good selection. This is Tom Cruise, that wonderful scene. He's just had a very intense confrontation with the heroin addict actor that died. Okay, well, you're going to be sensitive. What was that guy's name? The poor soul that died, the guy that jacked himself up. You know, Guy.

You called it out. Be mad at him, not me. Quinton. Barry, one of those three-named guys, Philip Seymour Hoffman, thank you. Remember this guy? Before I knew my comedy bed, let's, let's, let's, I sense of its sensitivity in the room. Let's, let's have a five-minute moment of silence. Is anyone timing this shit?

I'm going to act you. All right, here we go. This will be fun. Sir, if you could turn away, I don't like your eyes. This is a Mission Impossible, too, okay? This is the scene. Tom Cruise has just had a very intense confrontation with Felipe Seymour Hoffman,

the French actor. And he puts on a parachute or in French Parish Haute because we're dealing with Philippe Seymour Hoffman. And, um, man, if you could turn the other way, your energy's not good. And he puts a parachute on, and Tom Cruise, God damn. And these movies are so action-packed. And I'm going to get into the impression in just about ten minutes here.

Man, if you could laugh when the others do that, I would help me on. And Tom Cruise puts on a parachute. So this is Tom Cruise. MI2, jumps out of a parachute, lands at a right aid, and asks the cashier for a condo. And I'll do the, just so you guys get into it, because I'm not one of these half-ass shit impressionists that, you know, just do the voice. I'm going to give you the airplane noise, the wind when he's jumping down, and the, a lot of people don't do this, but I do, this is what sets me apart from others. I do the point

of impact when his feet, his little tiny tom through his feet, hit the ground. So here we go. We'll start with the playing noise. Well, someone laughed over the point of impact, I think you got lost. So let me, wait until I make impact, I'll do the noise, and then if you could save your laugh till after that. I think you stepped on what I'm doing here. I noticed the waiter's wearing OJ murder gloves. I'm not sure why, but whatever you do, don't order the OJ on the beach, all right?

All right, here we go. Hold you laugh, because I know everyone wants to, and this is the thing with my act when I do my impressions. People just fucking die, because I add the bonus noises. And what happened here, these retards laughed before, this little tiny feet hit the ground. So you could hurry, sir, doing an act.

If we could order it later, guys, got an act to do. Guys, move along, Count Dracula. Let's go. You could brush your teeth. Here we go. Here we go. Ready, gay? And should I throw a curve into this thing?

I think like we should throw a curve. How about this, game? And then we're going to get to the voice in about five more minutes. Tom Cruise, ma'am, you're going to love this because I know you like gases, you're into chemistry. Tom Cruise is floating down, and in the middle of it, I guess maybe, you know, he was on a mission where he had to go into disguise in a movie theater, you know, undercover in a dark movie theater, and he ate a bag of popcorn, and now when he's on his next little mission, he's floating down to Earth, and he does a popcorn, a softball.

silent popcorn fart halfway before he lands. So listen, it's going to be mixed in with the wind. But listen and see it. Stop focusing on you have Pugsley over here. Let's fucking listen for the dry popcorn fart, okay? Man, pop... Do you like popcorn farts, ma'am?

You look like you enjoy a good popcorn fart. Is that what your Tinder profile says? Must be able to popcorn fart. Sure, look at it. Here we go. Here comes the feet. Now you laugh. Now you laugh.

Come on. You know, Skyler Stone doesn't do this stuff not to do laughs. You either plug into what I'm doing or plug the fuck into a taco bell and go get a burrito, okay? So he lands, he walks into the right aid, he walks up to the guy, you know how tense he is, right? He's like, hey, how about some, help me, help me get a fucking rubber. Help me. Get a fucking rubber.

So this, I do this at festivals all over the world. Okay, so you want to give me a fucking rubber? You want to, this is what we do. I'm your little party boy. You want you? You want to give me a rubber? And then I throw, guess who's waiting in line behind Tom Cruise? Uh-oh, Vince Vaughn is back.

Because party boy needs to fuck some more. So Tom Cruise, I mix them together. Tom, you're like, help me get a rubber. Oh, okay, can you hurry up, please? I need to get a fucking rubber. I need to have sex. Come on, come on. Okay, well, let's move along.

All right, one more impression, and then that's it. One more, because this is going better than I thought. What is it guy? Kim Jong-un. Kim Jong-ung. Excellent. Excellent. Are we scared of Kim Jong-un?

You're not scared of him, guys? Not you. Not you, mushroom cloud, Willie. We got a guy with a fucking guided nuclear missile pointed at the USA, but this fucking guy ain't stared. So when that bomb gets launched... Everybody, just hide behind this fucking guy. Don't worry, gang. Mushroom cloud, Willie's going to protect us.

So is that camouflage, or is that like, did you fall in a fucking salad bar? What the hell of it? Huh? Palm tree leaves. Fucking right. You ever get attacked by parrots in an alleyway? They're fucking iris just plucked out.

They eat them like. crinkles because they're already curved. I'm trying to do an act. I've got a fucking guy waiting to get raped by a leaf blower at Table 12 over there. What the hell's going on with Kim Jong? Should we be

scared at Kim Jong-il mushroom pod, Willie? I mean, should we be frightened of a tyrannical or whatever the word is the tyrannical, tyrannicalsaurus wrecks, a type of popcorn, barb, Sally, should we be frightened of a terror nation being run

by a full-grown Asian cabbage patch kid? I mean, if you've seen this guy's fucking hair, it looks like a turtleneck sweater sucking down a pineapple, all right? What is that hairstyle? It's like teen wolf meat, lime, disease. What the fuck? It's like one of those robo vacuums got loose one night

and sucked his head off. Gave him a fucking North Korean blow job on his head. Give him a fucking head blow with him. Trimmed his fucking Billy Idol line disease temple. Right, line disease.

You know, folks, if you're not up on your diseases, you're probably not going to enjoy my act. I'm going to be dipping into some medical terms. It might be over a lot of your head. So let's get with the fucking program or getting your fucking neon and go to fucking Arby's.

Hey, what's your name, bro? Too late. I had a popcorn farted. A wringling face. Fucking couldn't even get the first letter of his thing. Hi, my name's up. You got fucking P-Fed, bro. I don't mean P.F. Chang's that fucking North Korean bullshit food they try to feed them.

Fuck that hairy, fucking turd crap. How are you? You got your little summer-forth gum shirt on guy? Look at that. Maybe later we go eat a box of chocolates, throw some cuss-filled zits on her ass, pop the little lady's eyes down at Crune Manor on 53rd and 97th where 12th processed. I'm a sicker. I'm a sick fucker, yeah.

You paid 40 bucks to see me. That makes you even fucking sicker. Like, this chick's fucking sick, all right? This chick is sick. This chick is so sick. She's like, not only a serial killer, she's a serial killer killer. killer. Okay? This chick looks for serial killers and kills serial killers. That's how

fucking much dementia you got going on. And you'll wake up in the middle of the night, your doorbell ring, and this chick will be there and she'll be, oh wait, but she'll make me fat person. I want to sock your blood. But all the waiters know, he knows he's part of my act, gang. Look, he's not pissed. He's not, right? Look at him. He fucking loves my routine. I said to him, I said, dude, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be jumping all over your bones.

I'll pretend you're pissed, and you want to kill me. Like, give me that turn your back on me and shit. And look at it. We worked it out. So you're not liking this. I can tell you want jokes. You want jokes, right, guy?

Okay. I feel your energy, bro. Where are you from, guy? You came in from somewhere. You came in from a different state. I'm going to the comedy store. I want some goddamn jokes. Where are you from, guy?

I'm up here in January, Chicago. So you want some fucking windy city shit, right? Okay, okay. Let's do some windy city jokes. Come up, you don't understand. I need a bucket. Give me some fucking rubber. So you got big ears.

I had big ears. I got kind of big ears. No, I'm saying because I can relate. I got them, too. Did you get teased in school? I did. I used to get called Alfred E. Newman. Remember the guy from Matt T. The guy on the cover of Matt? I got Mr. Spock. I got elephant ears.

Like, mine are up pretty far. Here's a little farther. But my parents, when as a kid, when as a little kid, they said, hey, do you want to get your ears pinned? Right? And I'm like, you know, God must have given me my ears for a reason. Like, why would I mess with what God gave me, right? So I just left my ears the way they are. And now, look, I'm one of the top comedians in the country. How much time do I have? Because I got about an hour in me still. I got an hour to go. How much time do I got, Wild Thing? About a minute or two.

Well, how about this fucking guy? Hanging in the rafters like a Chinese-roasted fucking eggplant, huh? You know what this guy can do? He can go to Arby's, go through the drive-thru backwards, pull his ass cheeks out, and suck some horsy sauce right up his inner tube. You know what I'm talking about. Right, gang? You know, you're on my side.

These are beautiful girls, right here. How are you, girls? Dude, what's your name, love? Kathleen and beside you? Saskia. Soxia. Holy shit. If you want a Saski of me, I won't say no.

I'll tell you that. That's a beautiful name. Is that Russian? Dutch. Dutch, holy shit. You want to go to IKEA later? We can buy a nerd to Florida. I'll put it together, and we can roll around.

Who wants the common roll on my nerd to fart it? All right, let's do a Halloween joke. Do I have time for a Halloween joke? Okay, wow, okay. I'm very enthusiastic. I heard, like, yeah, sure. Well, here's the catch, bro. It's a 45-minute bet.

I got that guy up in the fucking... rafters like a Chinese roasting Linda Blair fucking dog dirt machine. All right, so here we go. Halloween's coming, gang. Here's the thing. Pick your costume carefully, right? Pick your costume carefully because last year I made a big mistake guy. You might have seen me.

I dressed as a piñata. And I went trick-or-treating down in the line. trick-treating down in the Latino community. They beat the three musketeers right out of me. I'll tell you that. Sir, laugh a little hard, you know, the beard, so I can't see if you're really laughing or not. Like, you have to do like a ventriloquist doll off,

because your beard comes, so you have to go, ha, ha, ha, ha. Hilaria. Pinata. Pinnata. How much thought? I don't see the light. Usually a light goes on when they want...

Okay, there. Am I done? Huh? These people clearly don't want me off, though. Beautiful girls. All right. Who am I bringing out here? Who do we got?

Who do we got? Let me line it up, guys. Let me line it up for you. All right. I'm lining it up. My mama said life was like about the topic. You never know what you go there. Imagine that's me.

That's how I teach. I'm going to bring up this next guy. He's an impressionist. Actually, he mentored me. He taught me. But a lot of these guys impressionists do Forrest Gump. But here's the kicker for us. I do him, and he's got lock jaw.

My mom would say, Lop and lark about the chocolate. And then his jaw gets locked. So if you can lean back, it looks like you're taking a dump. This guy, he's like the fucking thinker, but with diarrhea. How about this guy? Right, Kachin Chubaka, or whatever the fuck you're name it? You know what I'm right. Did that turn you on? Be honest.

So cute. So cute. Girls always do that. Cute. All right, let's bring out, I'm thinking not nibble cookies. This isn't Orville Redbocker's sex dungeon. Trying to do it. Actually, nibbling now Orville Redbocker's. There's chocolate chip fucking cookies over here. You know, that's getting in my fucking head, gang, okay? I can't do impressions when someone's nibbling.

All right, this next guy, my mentor, this fucking guy, I took his impressions classes and it turned my life round. I went from touring Southern California to touring all over the world as a master impressionist. Ladies and gentlemen, Sky, Sky, Sky, Sky, Skyler Stone. Harry Trump, give him a hand. Skyler Stone, guys. Ladies and gentlemen, Skyler Stone, everybody.

Give him for Skylar Stone, everybody. Thank you.