The Harland Highway - 915 - Halloween PUMPKIN party! SEX SHOP shopping spree. Do you SMELL?

Episode Date: October 27, 2017

Harland attends a Halloween PUMPKIN party! SEX SHOP shopping spree. Do you SMELL? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, everybody. It's the Harland Highway with your host, Harlan Williams. We're a little bit late today, but here's why. I think you can tell by listening to the podcast. I told you we had a whole system crash, and I'm trying out some new stuff, so bear with me here today. We do have a fun show. We're going to be doing some really cool Halloween stuff. I'm going to take you inside a Halloween pumpkin carving party that I went to. to. And I put a pumpkin in the contest and was attempting to win the contest. Did I win or did I lose? Who knows? Stay tuned. And you'll find out because you're going to be at the party with me later in the show. Also, I'm going to talk about smells. Do you smell? Yeah, I'm talking to you. Are you a

smelly person? Do you smell? Well, I've been running into some smelly people lately and I need to talk about it. So I'm going to be talking about smelly, smelly people. Also, I'm going to pull out an oldie, but Goldie. I did a prank phone call to a sex toy shop a while

back. And this was always one of my favorite prank calls because it's so ridiculous and so stupid. It involves some racial stereotyping. And so we just had some fun with it. So here we go, folks. Happy Halloween. And

Welcome to the scariest podcast in town, the Harland Highway. Foot on your seatbelt is about to get bumpy. Oh, how perfectly awful. I get my kids above the waistline, suction. When will they take the bandages off? We don't know who we are. We don't know where we are. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

Let us out of here. Please. Let me tell you, you're starting something here that that's what you should be frightened of. Oh, fuck yeah, but. Just leave us alone. Sit down, strap in, and shut up. What's going on? What's the matter? I thought maybe if I could kill him, I could make him stop.

My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me. He's a friend. Who are we? This is the Harland Highway. What? It's the Harland Highway. Highway. Hey everybody, this is Harland Williams, and you are listening to the Harland Highway

podcast. Yes, you are. Yes, you are, you cute little thing. This broadcast might sound a little different than what you normally used to. I am testing out some new audio equipment. As I mentioned last week, my whole. podcasting studio just fried and melted and sizzled and so right now I'm in the process of testing new recording equipment. I'm not 100% familiar with it all. So please excuse for any

bumps and glitches along the way here as I try to get my feedback on the ground with this stuff and make sure that I have my podcasts coming to you and they sound good and they sound tasty and delicious. So yeah, that's what I'm doing here today. But meanwhile, let's try to do the best we can. This is literally my first time using this new equipment. So I might not have all the production value I normally put on the show, all the bells and whistles, sound effects, music, all that. I am working my way through figuring all that out. And hopefully I'm successful.

And as I keep going along, hopefully this starts to sound more and more like the normal podcast. But Halloween, let's talk about the Halloween. It's coming up. And I'm going to go to a, tonight I'm going to go. it's uh tonight's wednesday i'm recording this part wednesday because i wanted to set this up for you guys you're listening to the podcast on thursday but uh i'm gonna i'm gonna mix it up so you're gonna get thursday and wednesday here the reason i'm doing that is because tonight i am going to like

a Halloween party pumpkin jacko lantern carving event uh we with a bunch of my friends and so I wanted you to be able to maybe hear some of that or at least have me report back to you on how that went. I don't know if you've ever been to a pumpkin. I think there's like a little bit of a contest where there's some money to be won for whoever carves the best pumpkin, blah, blah, blah. So I thought that could be something very Halloween that I share with y'all. So I'll cut away from. from what I'm talking about now, I'm going to record something there and then come back and drop it in. So there you go. So in the meantime, let's jump to a completely different topic.

And then I'll come back later in the show with my report from the Halloween pumpkin carving party. Okay? So I wanted to talk about something that's happened to me recently. and over the years, and it's got to do with scent, okay, smell, if you will. And I've noticed lately that I've been smelling some good people. Do you do that? Do you smell people? Like, you know, just, and when I say smell people, I mean like, like cologne or perfume, or I don't know if it's shower gel or bath salt. what it is, but I've been noticing the last little while that I've been smelling some good people

and just for whatever reason, the people that have stuck out my mind were African American people in an elevator, at a meeting, at a social function, and I was just like sniffing. And I'm like, wow, they smell really good. And since you don't meet a lot of people who smell really good, Not that anyone else smells bad, but when someone stands out in your mind and you go, whoa, what a nice aroma, you make a mental note. And so I've been making these mental notes. And I came to the conclusion, like the last four or five really nice smelling people, just by coincidence, or maybe African Americans are more conscientious about this, we're African American people. And I was like, wow, do they ever smell good? like to the point where I wanted to like I walked away from them and I thought I want to drift back

maybe I'll take a few steps backwards here maybe I'll circle around maybe I'll move a little closer they smell good you know and and so I wondered do you do that do you uh do you um lather yourself in colognes or or some kind of aftershave or something that makes you smell good. It's something that's not really in my wheelhouse all that much. I'm not much of a cologne guy. I'm not much of a, you know, every now and then I'll slap on some aftershave, but it got me thinking maybe I need to up my stink game, right? Maybe I ought to be putting out a nice odor like these other people that I've encountered.

have. And I don't know why it wasn't white people or Asian people or Indian people. It was just, it just happened to be these African American people and they smelled fantastic. They smelled great. And so I started to just think in my head is, is that a thing? Is that a cultural thing? But, but then I go, not really. I mean, I've been around African American people my whole life. I have friends who are African-Americans. I work with African-Americans. They're everywhere, just like everybody's everywhere, right? So it must have just been a fluke, but I guess I started to get it in my head that, oh, this is an African-American thing. They're smart. These people smell delicious. That's all I want to be around is African-American people now. I don't have time

for any other race. I just want to be standing near and hanging around with the delicious-smelling African-American folks. I don't need people that have no odor. I don't need people that have a bad odor.

I want to be around great-smelling delicious people. So I don't know, man. Maybe I got to get out and pick up some Old Spice or some Chanel number four or can a chef boy r d ravioli something i got a i think i need my own stink i'm not i'm not a sweaty guy i'm not a guy that sweats and smells like b o it's very weird i can play tennis for four hours i can

lift weights i can jog i can sweat like a pine tree and i tell you my sweat does not stink i i i It is very hard for me to stink. It's hard for me to have a B-O type of smell. I don't know why I don't, but I swear to God, I don't. And so maybe that's a blessing. But maybe it's also a curse that I have no scent. And maybe I want to be the guy in the elevator where people are like, oh, my God, he's delicious.

Oh, my God. Who is this? Who is this? delicious 31 flavors standing beside me. You know what I'm saying? It's like, wow. So thank you for all you folks that are wearing the beautiful scented oils or perfumes or whatever you got. Because God knows, you know, as human beings, we don't like to be clustered together.

We all have our personal space. We don't like to get two in each other's faces. I got to tell you, when someone smells really good, I'm like, hey, you want me to carry you? Can I give you a piggyback? Why don't I bear hug you and hold you? I'll lift you up off your feet and just walk you wherever you want to go. As long as I can be sniffing your smell. You know what I'm saying?

It's like, wow. So there you go. Might be time for me to up my game. Might be time for you to up your game. might be time for all of us to start thinking about our stink and start smelling good so there you go something to stink about secrets hello secrets adult store how can I help you hi how are you today I'm great how are you doing I'm good I'm calling I wanted to know if you guys carry a nice selection of dildos

yes sir we do we have quite the selection okay i have a bit of an unusual request do you have the yellow ones um you know i don't know if we have anything in the yellow color i'm just walking down the wall i see a yellow butt plug okay you're close you're in the wheelhouse my my wife has a fetish and i know you probably get these calls all the time my wife has a fetish for Asian penises, and so she wants, it's kind of, it's unusual, but she wants a small dildo. Do you have like a three inch one? We definitely have a lot of different sizes, and we do have a variety of colors. But I really like the yellow.

She likes the Asian man, and if you have three inches are smaller. You know, ones that are lighter flesh tones, for sure. Bordering on yellow, like, have you ever seen an Asian man's privates? Well, there are definitely some that could be of numerous different ethnicities. Okay, okay, we're in the wheelhouse. I think you're probably going to have to come in and see if they, you know, fit what you're looking for. We don't have anything that's actual yellow colored, but it doesn't sound like that's what you're looking for anyways. Well, the main thing is that small Asian compact size.

So if you got any dildos three inches, two and a half inches long? We definitely have some things. I'm looking at some different pieces right now. We have a lot starting at four inches. Oh, that's... A bit too long, a bit too big. She likes the feel of that small little Asian penis going inside of her. Oh, boy.

We have some smaller, you know, when it gets to that size, you know, a two inch, they're not usually marketed as dildos, but we have a lot of pieces that are that shape and size. What would they be marketed as? So we have a lot of, you know, small. small vibrators that are that size okay okay any yellow ones um not that i am seeing off the bat um but this is tough this is tough than i thought like i said have some different flesh tones this is tougher than i thought you know my wife and it's interesting because she used to be into the long you know thicker ones and suddenly she got this uh this uh you know fetish for the

asian she got yellow fever have you ever heard of this yeah well maybe it does you know that you're shopping. Maybe you can bring her in and together you can see if there's something that fits what she's looking for. There's a night. I come in with her and we shop around for a tiny Asian yellow penises together. Exactly. I mean, a lot of couples come in here and shop together. I always recommend to men shopping for their wives. You're never going to know what she wants as well as she does. And it's not like I'll have to carry one of those cumbersome baskets around because, you know, those bastards, the penises are so small, I'll just carry it in my hand and bring it right up to the cash. For sure.

Oh, this is, well, you've been a world of help. Thanks, Angel. For sure. Do you know where we're located? I do. Yes, we've been in there before last year for Christmas. We bought some anal beads, and it was just wonderful. Under the tree, they were colored, they're green and red, just wonderful.

That's cute. So we're open until 1 a.m. today, so come on by any time. 1 a.m. Okay, and maybe we'll pick up some fresh Christmas season anal balls while we grab the Chinese penis. Exactly. Okay. Hey, this has been, thank you, such a wonderful help. Thank you so much. God bless you. All right. See you later. We'll see you. Bye-bye.

Oh, that was a fun phone call. Now, before anyone gets their panties in a twist, we know Asian men don't really have small penises. It's one of those horrible, stupid societal stereotypes. Just like we know all black men don't have giant penises and all white men don't have average. size penises. It's all racial stereotype madness, and that was the point of the phone call to kind of make fun and mock the stereotype madness. And so if you're Asian, Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged

and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast.

So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discreet. count and a hundred percent free shipping code harland have fun don't throw your back out we're just having some fun with you man we're not we're not really claiming that you have small penises it's just one of those urban myths and uh every every race of people have some kind of weird you know sexual myth about them right so we hope you enjoyed that one and that that's an oldie from the collection we have and I just always thought that

it just cracks me up that there's actually just shops where you can go and buy sex stuff like toys and things like that it's just so weird so there you go the uh the uh the uh sex shop shopping trip and uh let's uh let's get into this uh let's rush do we let's play the clip from the uh the pumpkin carving event i want to talk about it but let's play the uh you know the clip too okay awesome okay so here's uh here's how it went down uh i got to the little event the pumpkin carving event and I brought an unusual pumpkin. I brought that the kind of pumpkin. I don't know if you've seen them, but most pumpkins have the smooth skin. And I found a pumpkin that had like

really bumpy, warty skin. It looked like toad skin or elephantitis or something. And I just thought it'd be funny to bring something with a different texture. It looks like, you know, the skin you'd see a gourd. Well, this was an actual full-sized pumpkin. And man, the names, the names this pumpkin got called, it was called an AIDS-o-lantern, hepatitis pumpkin, herpy pumpkin, Zika pumpkin, SARS pumpkin. I mean, people are saying don't touch Harlan's pumpkin. You're going to get herpes. And I mean, this pumpkin got abused, but that's kind of why I I picked it out because I had a feeling it would, you know, it would, I was hoping it would win just because it was, it looked so bumpy and lumpy.

So I won't tell you who won the pumpkin carving contest. You'll hear it in a second here because as I promised, I recorded it. But there were some really cool pumpkins, man. Oh my God, really creative pumpkins. There was, there was someone carved a cat into their pumpkin. Another one, you know, did a pumpkin from the Game of Thrones. I guess there's these white pumpkins on Game of Thrones. And someone carved a picture of Jack Nicholson into their pumpkin.

And just all these cool pumpkin. Someone did an alien landing from outer space, like beaming down out of a UFO. Someone had a pumpkin where they, instead of throwing the insides of the pumpkin away, they had all the insides coming out of the mouth. So it looked like the pumpkin was puking up its own guts. I mean, geez. There was people put like colored lights in their pumpkins. One guy had some incense in his pumpkin.

I mean, it was like just cray-cray, play, play. So anyways, here's a little clip. It's about a five-minute clip of the party. And it's, you know, you'll hear all kinds of people that are there making jokes. and laughing, and you'll hear the announcement of who won the pumpkin carving contest. So I hope you enjoy. You son of a bit. Wait, when do we vote for the pumpkins?

You haven't voted yet? Oh, yeah, I did. I forgot. But no, no, when do we announce the winner? I think that's happening right now. What do we got? We got Jack Nicholson, pumpkin. That one's on fire, bro.

Some incense in there. Oh, that's incense. That's a cool effect. Not enough to win, but... Yeah. What else we got? We got the flowers. We got yours with the puke coming out.

We got freaking herpes owl. That's my. My pumpkin looks like... It has elephant titus. What, why did you come over the idea to make it puke? That was Alex. I remember this song? So all those pumpkin seeds coming out of its mouth?

How about the UFO one? It looks like a UFO. So you don't want to Game of Thrones. No, why? That's Game of Thrones. What is? This one here. The white one?

Yeah. It's a white pumpkin with blue eyes. Yeah, it's supposed to be a white walker. And what are the sticks coming out? It's arms. And what's that it's baby? Yeah, so like in the show, white walkers turn babies and other white walkers about touch them on the head, so that's what's doing, yeah.

White one, that sounds racist. There we go! Here we go! Let's sit down and get ready for the big showdown. Does Black Lives Matter know about the white walkers? I guess not. So, in third place, who do you want?

Third place is Tommy Caprio with the Coca-Pellate. Oh, that's the incense, the incense. The incense didn't cut it. Sorry, am I in the way? Sorry. In second place, are Ethan and Alex. Oh, the puker. Which one do they do?

The puker. Which one they do? The puk pumpkin. Yeah, yeah. The peepee. And Tom and I, I don't know who did. And Tom and I. One with the aliens.

Yes! Yes! The greatest day of my life! How did the winner shout the votes? It was great. Give a speech. This is the greatest day of my life. Where are you going, anyone?

Where are you going? By the way, let's have a reenactment of Tom watching the name car in the focus. How'd you do it, champ? How'd you do it? There's a lot of hard work in determining. I've worked all year. Wow. Are aliens, are aliens real? Are you?

They're totally real. They'll be showing up later this evening. Oh my God. Congrats, bro. The white walking touches the baby and it also becomes a white walk. Racist. Racist. A horrible mention.

All right, so there's the pumpkin carving contest. All right, so there's the pumpkin carving contest. contest. Wow, I don't think I got one vote. I don't think my herpes pumpkin got one vote. Scared people off. Nobody don't want a pumpkin herpy. All right, so there you go. I thought I'd share a little of the mirth and the merriment of the excitement of a major pumpkin carving, you know, contest. just to, you know, get you in the feel, in the mood for Halloween. You know, a little get-together. As you can hear, my herpy pumpkin or AIDS O'Lanturn

or whatever people were calling it, didn't really cut it. If you're wondering what it looked like, I did two eyes. One eye, the eye on the left was like a round circle, and then the eye on the right was another round circle, but it was bigger so the eyes were disproportionate and then i didn't have a nose and then i had a little tiny mouth like a little round circle so it looked like he was whistling or something someone said to me what's the name of your pumpkin i said whistling jim so whistling jim did not uh did not make it but you know at least i have the satisfaction of knowing uh even though they didn't let me win

they're all going home with herpes, thanks to my herpy pumpkin. So there you go. So that's it. That's it for today, gang. I just thought, you know, as I said, this is new equipment. I have a feel in the podcast doesn't sound the way it normally does. But at least we got it out. I'm testing the equipment.

Hopefully, you know, by Monday or the next podcast, I've got to figure it out a bit more. This was a bit of a rush job, but I wanted you to at least have something on Thursday here. And plus, with it being Halloween, come on, man. Got to get it gone. So hopefully next week, on Monday, I'll have the equipment working good, and I'll have a good Halloween show for you on Monday. So, that's it. Let's do a few little announcements here.

Might as well, right? As I mentioned, the next, coming up on Saturday, this Saturday, October 28th, I will be in Tempe, Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona, doing the Harland Highway live. at a comedy club at the uh tempi improv and um it'll be only the second time i've ever done the harland highway live in front of a crowd so uh who knows that might even be the halloween show for monday i'm not sure but uh we shall see um and uh and then the following weekend i'll be in Buffalo, New York at the Helium Comedy Club. That's November 2nd to November 5th, and look forward to that. Originally, I had a date booked in November for Edmonton, Alberta, but that one got

canceled. That was going to be Thanksgiving weekend, November 23rd to the 26th. And the reason it got canceled is I forgot, because a lot of times I'll book these. comedy dates way in advance, and I totally forgot it was Thanksgiving. And there's two things on Thanksgiving. One, it's apparently the busiest and worst weekend of the year to fly. And I do not want to deal with airports and immigration and all that stuff flying up to Canada on American Thanksgiving. No way. And then second, it's Thanksgiving, man. I wanted to be with friends and family and that's the time of year that you do you only do that twice you do it at christmas and thanksgiving and i was like i don't want to be all alone at a comedy club and so i feel bad that i had

to cancel but it's one of those things where like i said i got booked out so far in advance i didn't remember until i got closer like and uh so it got canceled so we'll we'll make that club up in the future and then November 16th to 19th I'm in San Jose California at the improv so very good stuff man very good stuff um also uh if you want to become a premium member join our premium membership and uh you can do that at harlum williams dot com 20 bucks a year get you all the episodes we've ever done isn't that crazy almost a thousand episodes for $20. Are you kidding? But if you want the latest 50 episodes, just get our app for free in your telephone. Just go to your app store. Type in the Harland Highway and boom, baby. It is in. You are in.

You are in for absolutely free. The 50 latest episode. So it's a great deal. And also if you want to write to me, you can write to me at Harland, Harlan Williams.com. We have a comment. contact link there and I might read your email on the show or you can call me and leave a voicemail 323-739-4330 and I might put your phone call on the air player so there you go man that's it for today like I said working on the new equipment we'll get this thing sounding right before you know it and thanks for being here tell your friends and until next time Chicken, chow, babe, baby.