The Harland Highway - 916 - SPECIAL podcast recorded LIVE at ATC Podcast FESTIVAL!

Episode Date: October 30, 2017

Harland recorded today's podcast in front of a live audience. Crowd interaction and a great comedy guest! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, everybody. This is Harland Williams here on the Harland Highway. Once again, we are a little bit late getting the show out to you because of technical issues and because of this podcast. You'll see why, in a few moments, we did the podcast live for only the second time at the All Things Comedy Podcast Festival. We recorded this on Saturday night at the Tempe Improv in Phoenix, Arizona, Tempe, Arizona, if you will, which is right in Phoenix. And it was a great crowd. You know, it was amazing. We were up against the World Series game, Halloween night partying, and a homecoming

football game in Tempe. And lo and behold, we had a full room of Harlem Highway enthusiasts, and it was just great. I couldn't have been more happy, and we had a great crowd. We had people coming up out of the crowd. We have a great comedic guest that I'll tell you about once we get into the show. But this is a live show. It was me up on stage with a number of microphones and doing the show. As I said, only the second time I've ever done the podcast live.

So here it is. You'll hear me introed by the MC live at the Tempe Improv. This is the Harland Highway. Put on your seatbelt, it's about to get bumpy. Oh, how perfectly awful. I get my kids above the waistline, sunshine. When will they take the bandages off? We don't know who we are.

We don't know where we are. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Let us out of here. Please. tell you you're starting something here that that's what you should be frightened of oh fuck yeah but just leave us alone sit down strap in and shut up what's going on what's the matter i thought maybe if i could kill him i could make him stop my mother never breastfed me she told me she liked me he's a friend who are we this is the harland highway what it's the

Harlan Highway. It's a cookbook. Okay. Could you guys please make some noise for your host? Harland Williams, everybody. All right. Can everyone hear me okay? testy testy one two three this is so unusual i was just out here doing stand-up and you all look so familiar

is there's perlet here does anyone know if perlet's here there she is oh my perlet my sweet perlet all right so this is uh for those of you that is there anyone here that doesn't know what a podcast is you all know right you don't know well a podcast is like a it's like a radio show that people do on in their own studios or on their own computers and they do them once a week or five days a week and they send them out all over the whole planet. So the Harland Highway is a podcast I've been doing for, I think this is my seventh year. Yeah, it's been a long run. So some of you might, how many people, I'm afraid to ask this, how many people here know the Harlan Highway? Okay, okay, that's cool. That's cool. There's a few.

There's a few. It's a big landscape. There's a lot of... Imagine like in Scottsdale or in Phoenix, there was 700 radio stations. Okay? That's what podcasting is like. There's so many podcasters,

but that's not the point. We're here, and this is only the second time I've ever done it live. I did it live once in San Francisco, about... Oh, man, I guess about three years ago. And it's a little scary because usually I'm in my studio all by myself and I don't see anyone. And now I've got like, I don't know how many people in front of me, beautiful, handsome people, owl people.

But so what I do is I just talk about things that are on my mind. I talk about topics in the news. I talk about current events. I talk about old memories. And I'm going to try and include you guys into the podcast. I'm going to try and see if I can lure some of you up here to share some of your experiences. And then later on in the show, we're going to bring out a guest comedian, a very, very funny guy, and we're going to do a little interview with him and just have a blast.

So, sound fun. Here we go. All right. So here we are, ladies and gentlemen. This is Harlan Williams. You're listening to the Harland Highway podcast. We are live at the Tempe Improv in Scott Stale, Arizona. Yeah, baby. And it's an incredible night because what's going on in this town, it's unbelievable.

There's a huge college football game. Now, who, I'm totally naive. I'm not from here. So who's playing? SC? Okay. That could be anything to me. That could be C cucumber. SC. What's the full name? USC. Okay, an underwater C cucumber. Makes sense. That's where they live. Can you imagine if there was a dating app for cucumbers? Wouldn't that be horrible if a sea cucumber and a land cucumber matched? And they met up, and the only way they could be in love is if one of them drowned or the other one suffocated? So sad. Too deep. Let's move on. But anyways, we have so many things going on tonight. We have the big homecoming football.

football game at Underwater Sea C cucumber versus ASU, ASU to you too. I'm just trying to be friendly. So rude. And then we have, you know, Halloween is Tuesday, so I just assumed everyone would be out at a Halloween party because Saturday night's kind of the night to do it, but I want to express my gratitude and thanks that you all came to this to enjoy this and be in on it. So thank you. Oh, my God.

So, I'm moved. I am actually moved. And also, on top of that, the World Series, there's a game going on right now. And do you love baseball, sir? Some, some... He said fuck baseball. I don't know. That would probably cause a rash, sir.

I think, you know, I might do it if I was over at Dix, but that's about it. I love it when people say fuck stuff, and they, they don't. I don't realize what they're asking you to fuck. Fuck baseball. Fuck the seams right off of that thing. So thank you so much for being here, everybody. This is a real surprise and a real treat. I honestly thought there'd be like about 20 people here.

And this is fantastic. And this is the All Things Comedy very first podcast festival. So I'm honored to be here on behalf of them too. So let's get into it. Let's talk. Let's get some content rolling here. I wanted to talk about, you know, it's Halloween. Halloween's coming up in three days.

And it's an interesting time of year. It's a weird time of year where adults, you know, grown-ups. I mean, we know what kids do, but adults kind of get a little nutty, don't they? All of a sudden, adults who act very grown-up all year are suddenly like walking around dressed like Marge Simpson and, fucking Captain America, and it's just, it's very odd, it's very peculiar. And the women, I don't know what it is with you girls, but it seems like that's your one night of the year where you're like, you know what, tonight, I'm going to be a hoe. Right?

The girls love to, 90% of the girls get into the ripped fishnet stockings and the mini skirt and the naughty maid costume, isn't that right? How many girls dress provocatively at Halloween? Where are you? Okay, okay, well, maybe we should have done this at the strip joint tonight, you know. But you got to be careful what you wear on Halloween. This is like, you know, watch what you wear, be careful what you wear, what your costume is. Last year, big mistake.

I dressed up as a piñata, and I went trick-or-treating down in the Latino community, and, wow, they beat the three musketeers right out of me. I got to tell you. But I'm one of these guys. I don't like Halloween for the fact that I don't like intruders on my property. You know, all of a sudden, you have your house, you have a wonderful little house, your quiet little home, and all of a sudden, one night on Halloween, there's trespassers on your property.

There's little versions of the Hulk and Wonder Woman and Spock. Spider-Man and Shrek and, you know, Jake and the Neverland Pirates. And it's like, get the hell off my lawn, you little bastards. It's private property. Get out of here, right? So here's what I did last year to get rid of the little weasels, to keep the intruders off my lawn. For Halloween, I created my very own chocolate bar.

I got in the kitchen, and I stirred it all up, and I put a wrapper on it, and I called it Allah-A-Aqbar. Yeah, kids would ring my to trick or treat and I'd just be like, Al-La-la-Kbar! And the parents would be, holy fuck, it's a terror cell. Grab the mini-hulk, let's get out of here.

Just feels good to say that, doesn't it? Al-la-la-la-la-la-qabar! I want all of you tonight yell that well, you're orgasming, all right? It's a shame because at the end of the day, I think it means we love God or something. Does anyone know the trans? Isn't Al-Aqbar mean I love God or something?

But it's been put into such a terrible, they yell it when they're blowing shit up. So let's bring it back and yell it when we're having an orgasm. When you're achieving with your partner tonight, or if you're with the rabbit, it's up to you. The neighbors will be calling the police. Anybody here live in like a rural area out in like farm country or anything like that? Anyone out in the country?

Some country folk? What's trick or treating like out there? like you probably get what like three chocolate bars in the whole night like don't you have to walk like eight miles to the next house how like how do you do it out in the country you don't you just do it on amazon dot com look at this a bag of mars bars for a dollar 99 trick or amazon trade should be here tomorrow ma'am if you could laugh when the others do that would help it's scary though do you worry anybody this is this is kind of a hard question but anybody uh you know because on Halloween night you always do these stories about kids or people getting hit by cars has anybody experienced anything like that or their kid got dinged or okay fucking splattered how about that it's weird anybody hit anything has anyone ever hit an animal with their car have you oh do you want to

come up and tell us come up right here into the microphone and we want to hear this story we want to hear this story sit right here love we have a nice bottle of water for you hi how are you sit right here what's your name my love katherine katherine and uh what do you do katherine i am a cna for hospice of the Valley. Whoa. She's using code letters. I don't know what that means. A CNA for hospices in the valley. Wow. I still don't know what it means. Okay. So tell our, tell our friends, did you, did you hit an animal or did you hit a person? What did you hit? I've actually hit both. Does that mean you hit a blind person with a seeing eye dog? Did it all happen in one fell swoop? Is that what happened? Well, okay, first, first tell us about the animal. Come close to the mic here. We've got to get

every detail. What animal did you hit? An armadillo. An armadillo. See, though armadillos to me look like the tanks of the animal kingdom, don't they? I picture like an 18-wheeler driving down the highway at 80 miles an hour hitting an armadillo and the truck flipping right over. Because they've got those hard shells. Did you hit the armadillo here in Arizona? No, in Florida. Oh, in Florida. So you went out of town to kill. Yeah. You know what I hit in Florida once? I hit a manatee. A manatee was, it ran right out in front of me, right? Just darted right out in front of me. But the good thing about manatees are so fat, you bounce off. you get to run over them a second time. You get a second run at them. Florida's such a, isn't

Florida nice? Do you love Florida? I guess it's flat. It's flat. Yeah. It's just kind of, if you look at the map of the USA, it just kind of hangs down like America's nutsack, right? Right, it's just tea bagging Cuba all day long. It was actually really funny flying back from Florida because all these people in the airplane were looking out the window at Arizona and they're like, oh my God, there's mountains. And I'm like, yeah, there's mountains. And desert, it's really hot. But to them, it was absolutely amazing. Aren't they called buttes? Are they mountains or buttes? What are the, what are beauts? Piles of dirt. Okay, thanks, professor.

I didn't think we get so technical all of us on, that's a pile of dirt. I have to tell you, though, it was terrible. When I hit this armadillo, my husband liked to play a joke on me, and he told me that I had hit an alligator. And I was, like, freaking out on the inside. I was like, oh, my God. No, I did not just kill an alligator. And I'm like, freaking out, I want to turn around.

And the whole time, he's making me feel like I just killed an alligator. Well, well, didn't you see what you killed? No. You just heard like a thump? Two thumps. So you killed the babies too? No, I've hit Armadillos to. You hit, you killed two armadillos.

Well, why not get the matching set? That's what I always say. Wow, so you didn't see it. You just heard the clunk, but the husband saw it. Well, I saw it right before I hit it. You saw, okay, but you didn't, you thought it was maybe like an alligator with, I hate to say this, down syndrome or something? It was more like a, oh, I didn't really have a time to think about it. You didn't have time to think before you killed it, yeah.

And where were you? It was daytime, right? No, it was nighttime. It was nighttime. Holy smoke, so how do you know it wasn't an alligator? Because I had turned around to go look at it. Wow, so you wanted to see what you killed. And if it was still alive, would you have helped it,

or would you kind of done the jeepers creepers thing and just run over it again like I did to the manatee? I probably would have just looked at it and said, oh my God, and then kept going. Well, at least there's a little compassion in you. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes.

You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off,

one item and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discreet.

and a 100% free shipping, Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And then now we've got to jump to you hit a human being. Tell us about that. Did you think it was an alligator? Okay, so the worst part about this is that I was sober and it was daytime. Okay. So you say you were drunk when you hit the armadillo?

Because in that case, it's okay, right? I was just covering both faces. I was just making sure everybody knew that both faces were covered. I wasn't drunk, and it wasn't nighttime. Okay. So tell us who would you hit. Who was the human being? Was it an adult, a child?

The bike just came out of nowhere. Oh, like, I was turning, and this guy was like, do-to-do-do, I'm just going to ride out in front of a moving car. Yeah. Wait, there was a do-d-d-do-do? Are you sure it wasn't a Do-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D. And did the human being yell,

I'll get you, my pretty? You know, I actually almost ran myself over one time that's actually possible. You almost ran yourself over. It's actually possible. So let me guess. You bought a Tesla and you heard,

well, I hear these things drive themselves. And you thought that And you get completely out of the car instead of just hitting a button and sitting there not putting your hands on the wheel. Just halfway out of the car. Oh, my God. You almost hit yourself? I almost ran myself over. How?

What? So this happens when you're 19 and you were drinking all day at the river. And then the next day, everybody's like, let's do it again. And so you're like, okay. And you get in your car. and everybody's smoking cigarettes, and I roll down the window, and I tell my friend, hey, give me one of those, and he goes to toss it to me. But I had my foot on the brake, but my car was in drive, and I opened up the driver's side door

because I didn't catch the cigarette, and I leaned out to grab it off the ground, and here I am, I let off the break completely. The door comes back, smacks me right in the head, and I fall halfway out of the car, and the car starts moving. my friend is dying but trying to get the break at the same time she's like hysterically laughing

you know it would have been great if there was an armadillo standing on the side of their going fuck you I mean I was just hoping for an animal story we got the trifecta with this girl I mean we got what haven't you fucking hit you want to tell us about the time

you hit Queen Elizabeth or anything anything like that? Oh, my God. Wow, that's amazing. Well, what happened to the kid on the bike? Was he hurt? Did you run over him or did you just ding him? It was more like, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Okay. And then he just said everything was fine and he left. So I got, you know. Next time you're watching cops. And you see the cops. pull someone over who has a suspended driver's license? This is why.

Just be happy the cops do. Well, give her a hand. How about those stories, right? Thank you so much. Unbelievable. What a treasure trove. What a treasure trove of, you know, criminality. One of the things that, any parents here?

Who's got parents? Who's, where, your parents? How old are your kids? Are they going up for Halloween? 35, 32. Dude, you must have been having sex when you were like four. How old are you? You look great, bro.

You better get on to Tinder. You got to get on to Tinder. You got to get on Bumble. We got someone over there that's hot for teacher over there. Ten grandkids. Well, here's what you want to do, because we live in a world that's full of, like, weirdos, right? A lot of parents are afraid to take their kids out into the dark streets and trick-a-treat. So this year, to prevent your kids from, like, having anything bad happen to them,

here's some costume suggestions. Maybe dress your child up like Jared. From subway, right? Because ain't no child perv going to go after. another child perv, right? And for really extra protection, dress your other kid up like Jeffrey Dalmer, and you'll be fine. Too soon, all right. Oh, I know what I want to do here? Where's my damn phone? Do I have my phone? Where is it? Where is it? You want to call? Oh, do you have my phone? There you. Thank you so much. I want to do that because Halloween, Halloween, there's a favorite. There's a

song that I love. I want to play it for you guys here. And I want to see if anyone has the courage to come up and do this. All right? Let's listen to this, you guys. Wait, can you hear that? Yeah, but I can't hear it very well. Hang on. And it's a graveyard smash It's not a match It's the horn and flies

It's how the monster man I love where he He does the Dracula voice I love that So I was going to ask Does anyone want to come up here And sing that little part and try and do the Transylvania twist voice?

Anyone want to do the Dracula voice? Anyone? Do you want to try? Who wants to try it? Or if you want, if you're too intimidated by that, I have an option, you can sing this song in your best-like American Idol audition voice.

This is your option. Ready? So you can do the ricearoni, the San Francisco treat, or you can do the Ricearoni, the San Francisco treat. Or you can do whatever happened to my Transylvania twist. Anyone? Anyone got the balls to come up? Yeah, who wants to do it? Anyone?

Who's going to do it? Who do we got? Come on. There's a big prize involved. there we go yes all right all right have a seat i'll do the rice and rony all right do it in your best like like jazz it up like what's your name first of all tony tony tony thank you tony tony tony's gonna do the rice errone's talk but don't do it just like like try and do it like like give me like how do you want me do you want me to put hips into this thing put some stuff on it like vocally like make

it make it make it like don't make me do this yeah you're you're you're you're here you got to do it you i'll tell you and i'll give you a three two one and then do i have to sing along with that or just like three days no you just do it on you can do it just the rice you can do a jazz version you can do a soul rep version you can do an a cappella version you can take your shirt off and do it it's totally up to you sweet okay i was the manatee he hit in florida like he bounced off my moves twice like these allies they're real they're horrible they look like pancakes. All right, so I'm going to count you down, buddy,

and you can do it any way you want, ready? You can do it slow, fast. Sure, let's do this. All right, ready? Three, two, one. Rice of Rony, the San Francisco treat. You are one sweaty motherfucker. I know, I'm sweating.

Well, you know what? Since you're here, that was amazing. I'm going to make myself comfortable because, you know what, I can't taste. Salt. You should have licked my face. No. Too soon?

All right, since you're here, and I thought he did a great job with the riceroni. Would you grace us and do the transfer, whatever happened to my Transylvania twist? Show me the lyrics. You want to hear it one more time? All right, here we go. This will be nice, because it's Halloween. Don't read my secret notes. I just need the lyrics, bro.

Ready? Here we go. To cover's coffin, back, hoisted ring. Seems he was troubled by just one thing. I was going to lift and shoot his fist and trip. Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist? That's it. That's it.

That's it. He did it. I was going to ask you to stick it in my ear, but... Oh, do you want me to sing in your ear? No, well... Okay, stay there. Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist. God damn right.

It's almost like Brokeback Mountain up here, isn't it? It's broke back something for sure. Well, hey, man, thank you for coming up. I appreciate it. Give him a hand. Wasn't that good?

He had the courage. Charlie, thank you. Buddy, thank you for coming. Thank you so much. What a vocalist. Oh, my God. All right, I think we're ready for our special guest.

Would you like to meet our special guest? All right, guys. we have a very funny comedian. This guy has toured from coast to coast. You've seen him on TV. You've seen him in films. He can tell you way better than I can. Ladies and gentlemen, the very funny Josh Wolfe.

Come on out, Josh. Josh Wolf, gang. Come on. Hey, now. Come on. That was quite a budding romance that was happening up here. Right? Yeah.

It was kind of hot up here, right? I should probably, just so he doesn't upstate. you give you the option if you want to sing one of them you don't have to but if you want to um you know what i'm going to let him do that i think that was he really nailed that i don't think that it's hard to beat that and these people are leaving just at the idea of you sing it who's the mass murderer that was up here before him right there the beautiful the alligator yeah crocodile dundee over there do you still have a driver's license what the fuck how is that possible so like will you let us know

I say we just give her a head start you know what I mean after the show we'll be like you can pay your bill first and like uh we'll give you like 15 minutes you go hide and we'll find you yeah I think that's a good idea that's awesome because you were hoping she had one story and she was like well yeah it was like want to hear people or pets? Like, holy fuck.

I know, I feel like if you look in the Guinness Book of World Records for a person that's hit the most living objects, it's her. I love it. I missed, how do you not know the difference between an alligator? Which can grow up to like 15 feet long. They're dinosaurs. Yeah, they're dinosaurs. And an armadillo that looks like a stale watermelon.

Yeah. right yeah and by the way like have you you know i went to college in texas so i don't know if you guys have seen armadillo's yeah they're not like the fastest moving they're like it's like if you took a throw pillow and you just threw it across the road and it just slows down eventually like i don't know how you couldn't yeah you don't need a defense no yeah there's no lights except the ones on your fucking car, right? Okay. You do have those, right? The ones in front of the car will make you see things. Yeah, and I bet they were on high beam because you were out there, right? They weren't. Okay, well, were you just holding a candle out the window? Were you going by iPhone the whole time? Just like

your light. It's just a late night romantic. Let's use the cinnamon candles from the pottery barn and go on a moonlit drive. I just want to drive by the light of the stereo. That is the way I want to go. Oh, my God. Hilarious. Hey, I was talking about kids out here in Halloween, Josh. You have kids, right? I have three kids. Yeah, I have three kids.

Any crazy Halloween stories with your kids or just any crazy kid stories? Because I know they're a handful of them. Well, you know, I, okay, so I really believe that when you have kids, obviously you're supposed to take care of them. But I think they're also there for your enjoyment. So every Halloween, I scare the fuck out of my kids. How? Well, I wait. Listen, my rule is also, you got to wait until they have pubs,

and then it's fair game for everything, right? So, if they're not, if they're eight and you can scar them for life, you don't want to do that. But if they're like 13, fuck, yeah, game on. Wait, is that when pubs start at 13th? That's when I start checking. Okay, okay. No, I'm just kidding. Get the Jared costume.

My youngest son. So he was in the bathroom once and he was like, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad. I run in there. That something was wrong. He was in the shower and he just peeks his head out. He goes, Found a Pube. But I said, found one? Yeah.

Like, yeah. Well, no, like, found one makes it sound like it wasn't yours. You know what I mean? Like, you didn't know where. they were going to be. That's where they are. So you saw a pew, found a pew. That's why I was like, found one? Like, where? And he was like, oh, right above my nuts.

And I'm like, got it. Yeah. So, yeah. That sounds so lonely, doesn't it? One pew? Yeah. Because usually there's a whole cluster of them. Just, that'd be. One comes in? It's like, I have this one long eyebrow, right? That my wife fucking hates. So we lay in bed at night

and I twirl it next to her. like a super villain. I'm like, she's like, I fucking hate that. Dude, what if it's in an inverted pub? It just grew up through your fucking eye. Oh, God. It's like a unipube.

I hope he's on the Justice League movie. Unipube, I hope he is. Unipube, yeah. He is, he is. So my kids also scare me. So as I've gotten older, My daughter is, you know, when she was 16, she knows that I would, I like to, when I do stand-up, when I come home, I get high on the driveway. And, um, high on the driveway.

High in the driveway. Yeah. I got high in the driveway. I smoke weed in the driveway. In the driveway. In the driveway. Yeah. Because I don't want to be irresponsible in driving, smoking the car, like.

Yeah. So, um. You can hit an alligator. You can run over a dinosaur on a bike. Was that a pterodastom? My daughter, because one time I scared her on her birthday. Okay. I told her, I said, hey, babe, you left some money outside on the back, on the back, in our back porch.

We had a table. I go, you left her some money back there. Well, at least it wasn't a pub. Right. So she ran back there, and I had my brother back there in a scream mask. Oh, God. And so he jumped out and he scared her. And I see her running to the house.

And I'm like, oh. And then I'm like, oh, the sliding glass door is shut. Anyone in here ever seen someone run into a sliding glass door? That shit is funny as hell, right? Because the look on their face when they... It was so good. But anyway, so she bounced off the sliding glass door, and then she got up and opened the door and shut it.

And I was laughing. And she knew. She was like, you did that. I'm like, well, I didn't do that, but I did kind of set it up. And she was like, I'm going to get you back. So I was waiting, waiting, waiting. I scare very easily. Yeah.

So, uh, I try. I actually, I jazz hand when I scare, and I go, ah, I do that noise right there. You should see what pearl that does when she scares. Oh. Anyways, keep. I don't even know what that could be so many things. I know, I know. Yeah, she was waiting in the front yard with a white, flowy dress and one of those, like,

you know, those masks that makes your face look super flat. And I was high, and I started to walk down the front steps there. Yeah. And she jumped out, and I hit myself in the face. I was so scared. For whatever reason, I went. And I hit myself right in the face. I happen on camera.

With your hand? With my hand. Like I was somehow fighting off whatever that was and smacked myself in the face. I gave myself a red mark. Oh, no. Yeah, it was a good one. But that's what we like to do on Halloween. We like to scare each other.

Oh, my God. You actually, it sounds like you almost hit yourself in your giant eyebrow. Yeah. Oh, God. I grew up with three older brothers. So, like, they traumatized me. Did you have older siblings? I have four sisters.

Can you believe it? Are they older younger? I'm in the middle. I'm like a brother sandwich, bro. So that joke about, you know, the Volkswagen van, that was real. By the way, going back real quickly, because you just made me think of something, the, you know, the kids hitting the glass window. Yeah. Have you guys noticed you'll be out and you'll be like, you know, you'll be downtown or something?

And people will put stickers of birds. on windows to prevent birds from hitting the window. What's that? What's going on with anybody? You have anything to say about that? I think I just ground the show to a halt. I also don't think that birds are like, that's just a sticker. I don't think that's, is that going through your brain.

I do have to ask you a question that I've always wanted to ask. Yes, I'm straight, please. No, this is a comedy question as a comedian. Yeah. I've always been super impressed with your commitment to the ridiculous. Like his jokes, a lot of times, you're like, that's the most fucking ridiculous thing I've ever heard. But you're so committed to it, right? Which is a definite, unique style.

Have you always done that? Yeah. Always just committed to the absolute ridiculous. Yeah, always, always, always. Even when you started, like, as an open micer and all that shit, that was your thing. Even when I started my very first time on stage ever. when I, the first time I ever did stand-up comedy, a friend of mine had found in a Salvation Army store

a priest's like poncho, like the Pope would wear almost, right? Like, not like a black thing, but a white, like, flowy thing with a cross on it. It was like a poncho, everything missing but the hat, right? And he gave it to me, and so my very first time walking on a stand-up comedy stage, I walked out wearing the priest poncho, and I just stared at the crowd, and I said, yeah, that's right. I wanted to be Pope, just like everyone else. And it was the dumbest thing, but that was my very, very first line. And then I threw the Pope poncho over my shoulder, and had a fake rifle like Clean Eastwood under my poncho.

and I cocked it and just started pretending to shoot the audience. So I've always liked the ridiculous. The first time I went on stage, I was 15, and my parents had to drive me. And I remember going. It was a place called the Iron Horse in North Hampton, Massachusetts. Oh, God. You didn't show you. Okay.

How old were you? Fifteen years old. You didn't show your pub on stage, did you? I kept that one pub to myself. So my parents, and I remember asking the guy, what should I talk about? I talk about whatever you know. Yeah. And what I knew more than anything is that both my parents had terrible gas.

Gas? They started, my parents are like notorious, right? Okay. So, you know, my parents are in the front row with those little zit, zee, click, zit, zik. Oh, God. And then I started into my act. And it was like, zek, zee, click. And I closed with a story about how, you know, I grew up in Massachusetts,

and we were driving on the mass pike, which is a freeway. my mom had terrible gas and my dad pulled over and he was like you got to get out and she said what he goes yeah you're killing the car you got to get out and she was like what do you want me to do he goes I don't know walk it off so she walked up and down the highway like for five minutes what she could have been hit by her that's insanity yeah I want to switch topics. What the fuck's going on with Kim Jong-ung's hair, bro? You know what?

I think if you took his hair and you put it on Trump, I think that would actually be a better look for both of them. I think they should switch hairstyles because it fits Trump, I think, a little better. That's straight up in square. I like that. And then you put the Trump whatever on, whatever you call that. And then you put that on Kim Jong-un.

think it'd be a great trade. It's such a weird style. It looks like Teen Wolf meets Lyme disease or something. It looks like some of those robotic vacuum cleaners that roll around your house just got loose and attacked his head one night. I'm oddly

fascinated by that guy. Yeah, me too. And I'm fascinated by the pictures that they put out where they all look like they're having such a good time. Yeah, they're slapping their knees and cheering. Yeah, we're in North Korea. No, but. Everybody's like, I can't believe we're in North Korea. Yeah. But they all look so happy.

And he, every picture he takes, he's... Yeah, yeah. Like, you see the military pictures? He's always like, yeah. What the fuck is he pointing at? I don't know. Every picture, he's like... Yeah.

He's pointing at his missiles, and I'm sitting here going, I'm not really scared of missiles from a guy that looks like a full-grown, Asian cabbage patch can, right? He just, he looks like a hamster, a... cabbage patch kid or something you know he's on a wheel at night like he looks like one of the garbage pale kids remember those um let's get it we always got we love to talk about you know relationships and girls and so i want to ask you if you're willing to share with us you don't have to but what's the craziest lie i know you're you're married now right but when you were on the dating

scene and maybe you still are who knows What's the craziest lie you ever told to a gal? Like the craziest lying piece of BS. Okay. Well, I was in Seattle. Yeah. And I was bartending at this bar. And there was a girl sitting at the bar, and she was very good looking.

And I was listening to some. of her conversation and I'm like well in order for me to get in with this girl I'm going to have to pretend to have money so I was like I own this building okay and she was like you own the building I'm like yeah I own this building and she was like you want to show me around I was like yeah I'll show you around so I just left the bar I left it wide open and I went I just walked out from behind the bar and the waystaff was like where are you going I'm like I uh you know I got to show her the building. And they were like, what the fuck you see you doing? And so

I left my job as the bartender and left it so nobody was back there and walked up because I had the key to the office. Yeah. And I was like, this is the office. And I was like, you want to see anything else? And that was like, I might as well, after I said you want to see

anything else, this music might as well come on. Because as soon as I said, do you want to see anything else, she was like, actually I would. And I was like, yeah. Oh my God. And, uh, but I left the bar for like a half an hour, which wasn't great. Yeah. And get fired. You did or you did? By the dude who actually owned the building. Yeah. You got fired. He was like, he was

behind the bar and he was like, what, where did you go? And I was like, ha, why are you talking to me like that? I own the building. And he was, he was like, no, you're fired. And so, but, but it was worth it. It's totally worth it because I had a little, that was my one and only kind of porn. Wouldn't that be funny if your bar was in the Empire State building? And I took her all the way up to the top. You said you owned the Empire State building? But just floors

10 through 17. Yeah. Where's the wildest place you've ever made out with a girl? Do you remember? Everyone's On a, in Texas, it was worse for her than it was for me, but we ended up on one of those fire ant. Come on. On the fire ant hills.

The fire ant. So she was, it was so it was because we're making out right and she said we were both a little drunk and she was like I'm on fire I'm like yeah me too she's like no no no no she's like I'm on fire I'm on fire and I was like I don't know what she's talking about and then I started to get bit

I had a couple of taint bites and I was like come on yeah and I was yeah that was the worst oh my god but I'm not like I know a lot of people are public having sex in public is not something I'm interested in at all I don't even want to see anyone else to it. I was at a music festival once, and I came up.

I was like, I got to get away from the crowd, and I saw a hill. And I was like, I'll go sit up in the grass and just daydream, right? And I walked up over the hill, and as soon as I crested the hill, there was just some guy like power pounding. And I was just like, ooh, I didn't want to see that. No, I'm with you. I had friends who are like, you're going to, we should hide in the closet and watch them. I'm like, that sounds fucking terrible. Yeah.

Well, I don't like want to see anybody else having sex because I'm like, I don't want to see anybody else having sex because all that just reminds me that I'm not having sex. Yeah, exactly. Anyone else? Anyone have a crazy place they want to share with us? Come up on the mic and tell us about a crazy place they had sex. On top of a dead arm. Anybody have the courage to come up?

No. No, nobody. No, no, no. Okay, all right. Who's the one with the 32-year-old? You said he's 57 years. Who's got a 32-year-old kid? You have a 32-year-old kid?

Yeah, that guy, yeah. 35? 35-year-old kid. Can you still, do you, are you still allowed to call him kids? Still allowed to call him kids at 35? And you have 10 grandkids? Ooh, that's amazing. Daddy, someone's got some fire ants in their pants.

Yeah. Yeah, that's. Did I miss this? Yeah, well, Perlet was, I was asking some questions about, why did you start doing this Perlet? Yeah. Remember you started doing the, she was helping me out with my act by simulating. Women did the Wabbit. You know, she just said,

Wabbin. Did you hear that? Yeah, she did, yeah. Suddenly we got Elmer Fudd, Perlina. Women do to wascally Wabbit. She just took her drinks away from her too. Did you see that?

She was like, you don't need any more of those, okay. Is that your mom? She just goes, Mama. Shhh. Yeah, you don't want to sit across from your mom doing this that's not something you want to sit across from no that's not so I don't think I've ever seen my mom do anything like that but

that's okay different strokes for different folks right no yeah give your mom her go-go juice back she has another drink for a lot it's your birthday you're you're allowed to do this on your birthday, yes. Give her a happy birthday, gang. Where is the weirdest place you've had sex? Oh, God, you had to ask me, huh? Let's see, the weirdest place. Because you grew up in Toronto. Did you do any outdoor cold sex? I did, I did it down by the river on a sand, like on a sandbank once. and it was really weird because it was a trail that people, you know, exercise. Like people would jog by and stuff. So it was like almost like animal style where we were doing it doggy style.

But I had to, you know how when dogs looked around and they're like, they're doing this? So I was like pumping, but I had to be looking for joggers, right? And then on top of it, we were by the river. So there's a lot of mosquitoes. around, so I'm not into spanking a girl, but I had to, like, there were literally fucking Zika mosquitoes landing on her ass, and I was like, wham! She says, what the fuck you're spanking me for? I don't like that. You're getting your ass sock, that's why. I'm saving your life. That's right. So that was pretty awkward, yeah. And then an otter came out and bit me in the,

no, I just need to check in real quick with our guys, because we have a time limitation here. How much time do we have left? Where's our guy? I hope we do, but... Remember how you left your bar? Yeah, he just left. Yeah, he just left. Yeah, they just left our podcast. He might be up in the office right now. Yeah, he's, how much? We got five. We got five. Okay, so that's why I'm glad asked, because I always, whenever I have a guess, and by the way, let's give Josh a hand for coming on, can we? He's, uh, he is absolutely fantastic. But with all my guests, I don't have a ton of guests. I'm one of these guys.

I do a podcast, and I don't have a ton of guests on my show because I'm so busy. I don't have time to schedule. So this was great that Josh came on. But when I do have a guest, I always prepare a game called Too Soon or Not Too Soon. And I'm sure you've all heard when someone goes, too soon. You know, like if you say a joke, it's too soon, right?

So you have to enunciate it that way, like, too soon. Or you can say, not too soon. All right. And Josh will get four questions. Got it. And you have to decide if it's too soon or not too soon. Okay. And we will see if Josh can win this game.

I don't think any of my guests of, I think one person won it once. How do you win it? Well, you just have to answer, and I'll tell you if you're right or wrong. Got it. Sounds like rules of a game my brothers used to play with me. all right guys so are you ready for a game of too soon or not too soon huh come on all right we'll end the show up with this game here we go josh uh the answers are too soon or not too soon your first question is mr potato head gets a new hole in his body on his rear end in which you can stick a severed gorilla arm

or a giraffe's neck and head too soon or not too soon not too soon incorrect it's too soon you've still got three you can still here we go question two Josh Wolf

Donald Trump gets hair extensions in his golden hair and now looks like a blonde Kenny G as a result he has to do a seven-minute clarinets although at the beginning of all his speeches. Too soon or not too soon? Not too soon.

Incorrect. Now the best you can do is tie because there's only two questions left. Here we go. Third question out of four. Josh Wolfe. Hillary Clinton's cancels get so swollen.

She has to put, I can't believe it's not butter and anal lobe on her feet just to be able to slip into her olive garden loafers. Too soon or not too soon? It's about fucking time. No, uh, not too soon.

Incorrect. Josh, you've officially lost, but we'll read the fourth question and we don't want her to hear it. so you get out. Our last question for too soon or not too soon. Well, let me read it first, if you don't mind. Your answer was too soon, all right?

Here it is the last question. The lead singer of Ario Speedwagon undergoes cosmetic surgery and has gopher teeth put in his mouth so he can dig a tunnel, eat worms, gnaw on pine tree, tree roots and take turds that look like chocolate-covered raisins, too soon or not too soon? I'm going to go. Not too soon.

No. The answer, I'm being totally honest, the correct answer for this is always because I want to hear someone go, too soon. It's always too soon. And that's for real. If you had said too soon, you would have had four rights. Son of a bitch. Don't you think it's weird?

He didn't mix it up a little, too? Well, I thought one would be not too soon. It's like the SATs. Just pick B the whole fucking time. Right? And you're going to get one right somewhere along there. Well, thank you for playing. Give him a hand.

Josh Wolfe, everybody. Now, before Josh goes, Josh, I don't want you to just like be here and then you were like filling in. I want people to know what you're up to, where they can reach out. I believe you have a podcast, too. Tell them all the info they need so they can be informed of your magic. Comedianjoshwulf.com for tour dates, but I do two podcasts.

I do one by myself, which is called Fairly Normal. And I do another one with a guy named Freddie Prince Jr. called Prince and the Wolf. And they're both on iTunes and on all things comedy and check them out. And do you have Twitter or Instagram? Twitter, Josh Wolf Comedy, Instagram, Josh Wolf Comedy. And where can they find out where you're touring to do your stand-up? Comedionjoshwulf.com for all the dates.

Oh, and I just taped my special last week, and I think it'll be out in December. Do you know what it's called so they can look for it? I haven't named it yet. I want to watch it once before I name it. No, not too soon. Not too soon. Ladies and gentlemen, Joshua. All right? Benee, great.

Thank you, buddy. Make sure you follow Josh. Make sure you get on all his social media. He's one of the comedians you really want to keep your eye on, and he'll keep you laughing, and we'll watch for his special to come out. And thank you, too, to our special guests who came up here. Please tell me your name again. Catherine, and who is the gentleman that kissed me?

Tony. I've been trying to forget since the minute you love. left the stage too soon. Give them a hand too, folks. Thank you for coming up. Before I go, I'd like to thank the Tempe Improv for hosting this event. They were fantastic. Thank you so much Tempe Improv. I want to thank all things comedy. And folks, please, if you enjoyed the podcast, if you listen to my podcast when I do it by myself, I didn't do it here today, but I do a lot of characters on my on my podcast. I was telling you I don't get a lot of guests because I interview myself as different characters on my podcast. I do Elon Musk. I do Boy George.

I do just, I have a whole library of characters I've created and basically I get on the phone and interview myself and that's kind of the wackiness of my podcast. So please sign up, subscribe to the Harland Highway podcast and also check out Josh's podcast. I want to thank you all for coming out on this special night. I love you guys. Thank you very much. Chicken Chowman, baby. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, I love you. Thanks, guys. So there it is, gang. There is the Harland Highway live at the Tempe Improv, and then I'm back into my new equipment here that I'm still wrangling. It probably sounds a bit messy, but at least we're getting the podcast out. Let me do a few quick announcements here, and then we'll

let you go. I hope you enjoyed that, that live format. Let me know if that's something you'd like to hear more of, and, you know, I'll try and make that happen in the future, but it's a little intimidating to try and do my characters and stuff. I don't have the facilities, the equipment to do that in front of a live crowd. And it's also a little more intimidating. I've got to be honest to have that live crowd there. It's a crazy place to try and do my characters. But anyways, if you want to see me do some live stand up, check me out this Thursday. I'm November 2nd through the 5th, I'm heading into the snow belt. Hopefully I beat any snow.

November 2nd of the 5th, Buffalo, New York at the Helium Comedy Club. I got to beat the snow. I got to beat the snow. Do you have, check me out at Helium and Buffalo this Thursday to Sunday. And then two weeks from now, November 16 to 19, I'll be in a warmer climate back on the West. coast in San Jose, San Jose, California. That's November 16th to the 19th. How about that? And then my Edmonton gig, which was November 23rd to 26, I had to cancel because I wasn't aware when I booked it months and months ago that it was Thanksgiving weekend, and I don't want

to be working on Thanksgiving. So my apologies to all my fans in Edmonton and also to the club up there, or a great club, the Rick Bronson chain of comedy clubs. They do a great job, and it was just like weird timing, weird booking, and so that will get rebooked further down the road. And also, don't forget to join our premium membership, $20 a year. Can you believe it? I was going to say $20 a month. It's $20 a year.

for every episode of the Harland Highway ever recorded from one almost up to 1,000. This is number 916. So for $20, that is a huge block, iceberg chunk of entertainment for you guys. And I hope you enjoy it. You just go to Harlan Williams.com and type into the podcast link, and it will inform you how to become a premium member. or you can also you can go to your app store and type in the Harland Highway podcast and get the app for free, which entitles you to the latest 50 episodes, absolutely free.

So we encourage you to do both of those things, man. Like why just do one when you can do all of them, bro? What else? Yes, also you can write to me at Harlanwiliams.com. You can leave me a phone message at Harlowyms.com. 323-739-4330. Love hearing from you and maybe we'll put your letter or your phone call on the show. Who knows?

Who knows what could happen? It's crazy. And what else? Thank you to everyone who's been watching Puppie Dog Pals. Oh my God. It's just people are watching and buying all the toys and now they've got puppy dog pals slippers and pajamas and now they've got a big plastic dog house that looks like a like a doll house with a slide and a teeter-totter and it's just it's just crazy all the puppy dog pals

toys that are being made it makes me super happy and you know people send me videos and pictures of their kids with the with these toys and it just lights me up man it's so cool and what else what else what else what else i think that's about it uh tell your friends about the harland highway podcast so that they can listen and uh and as i said we're still working out this equipment stuff i hope to have it resolved soon so the timing of the podcast and the quality of them are a bit up and down for the next little bit till i get back to where i was But that should happen very soon. So don't despair.

Thanks for listening, gang. I hope you enjoyed the live version of the Harlan Highway podcast. Again, my thanks to Josh Wolfe, my guest comedian on the show, and my thanks to the Tempe Improv for hosting and all things comedy. And that's it. Good times. And until next time, baby, chicken chowman.