The Harland Highway - 918 - THANKSGIVING SPECIAL - Parade, songs, and AUNT RUTHY!

Episode Date: November 23, 2017

THANKSGIVING SPECIAL - Annual HH parade, TURKEY song, and AUNT RUTHY has trouble stuffing her BIRD! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, boy, we are back. Yes, we are back. Hello, everybody. Hello, pavement pounders. Welcome to the Harland Highway. We're back. We're up. We're running. I'll talk about it more. We get to the other side of the titles. Oh, so excited. So happy to be back with you all. Wasn't it so lonely and empty without me? Oh, I know it was lonely and empty without you. Anyhow, what a show? So extra long show today, just to kind of make up for the time lapse here. We're going to kind of do like a whole hour today, special Thanksgiving show where we're going to be doing the Harland Highway Annual Thanksgiving Day parade.

Are you kidding me? John Waters and John starters will be calling all the beautiful floats as they come down the street. It's going to be amazing. It's always eventful, always full of celebration and life. Also, speaking of a life, we had a life that passed recently, and I'm going to talk about that person's life and the effect that it had on me as a human being, as a person, as a kid, as an adult.

Also, a call from Aunt Ruthie. Aunt Ruthie is calling in. Apparently she had a mishap with her Christmas turkey. Something went wrong. She left us a phone message. Roger is going to play it. It should be insane. And then lastly, we're going to play our favorite turkey song

in honor of Thanksgiving, the Thanksgiving turkey song. So get your giblets out. Here we go. This is the Harland Highway. Put on your seatbelt. It's about to get bumpy. Oh, how perfectly awful. I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine.

When will they take the bandages off? We don't know who we are. We don't know where we are. You're riding down the Harland High. Let us out of here! Please! Let me tell you, you're starting something here that... That's what you should be frightened of.

Oh! Fuck yeah, but... Just leave us alone. Sit down, strap in, and shut up. What's going on? What's the matter? I thought maybe if I could kill him, I could make him stop. My mother of my breastfed me. She told me she liked me. He's a friend.

Who are we? This is the Harland Highway. What? It's the Harland Highway. It's a cop-book! Ah! Ah, is right. Holy Jumping, gang.

Wow, it's good to be back. I don't know if you missed me, but I sure missed y'all. Y'all. Wow. This is the longest we've gone without the podcast. I think it was like two and a half weeks or something like this or that. And, oh my God, my whole system. My laptop computer, it hit like this six-year window, and it wasn't just my podcast equipment.

Like everything, everything went down. Like, you know, my whole computer's gone. I'm holding the hard drive in my hand. It's a little, it's like the size of a cracker. And we had to operate and extract it. And the laptop is now just an empty shell that I'm probably going to, you know, throw up in the air and shoot. but everything went down right around the time I was doing some tours and I tried to install some of the new stuff on my own

which I'm not great at and of course it didn't work and so I had to hire a technician and bring him in and he sat here and worked as magic and now we are back up and running and just in time might I add just in time for the annual Thanksgiving Day Harland Highway Parade. We wouldn't want to miss that, right? So fortunately, we got everything put back together.

This is the first podcast with the fresh new equipment. I hope it sounds good. It's sounding good to me. I have my headphones on. Rogers happy. Rod, you digging the new stuff? Okay, Rodge gave me the thumbs up. and a finger.

But even Roger didn't know how to fix this stuff, man. So we were just dangling in the wind. And I don't know if you can hear the joy and the happiness of my voice, but we're back. I mean, what better time to do with Charles Nelson Riley, right? Oh, oh, oh. So we are going to be going to be going to the, the Thanksgiving Day parade today and all kinds of fun things.

And I just want to say, thanks for hanging in there with me, gang. And again, sorry for the delay, sorry for the tech issues, but hopefully this won't happen again for a long time. And enough with the pandering. I say we get right out to our hosts who do the color commentary on the Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day Parade every year. It's John Waters and John Starter. And these guys, they know how to call it, man.

I mean, these guys call all the floats coming down the street. And it's just, it's a work of art what these guys do. And we're going to check in with them throughout the show as well as some other fun things now that we're back. I also might add, you know, this is something that occurred to me. Well, we were kind of shut down as I realized, you know, I'm pushing the limit a lot when I do two podcasts a week. Sometimes I'm rushing, sometimes as of late with my busy schedule. I'm just not getting the time to put into it what I want to put into it. So I hope none of you are too dismayed, but we're going to go to a new format where I do one podcast a week.

And as a result, they might be a little longer than they, you know, used to be my my uh my two week uh two podcasts a week format each show was roughly around half an hour maybe 40 minutes occasionally we did a longer one but i'm going to try and stretch out the solo uh podcast uh even uh a bit further just so you get more bang for your buck and what i'll do is I'm going to put those up every Monday and then you'll have all week to kind of listen to them during your work week or wherever you are in Afghanistan, in Beirut, in Dublin, in Glasgow, in Sydney, in Istanbul, wherever you listen to, Cleveland, wherever you listen to, Cleveland. You know, we don't discriminate. Anybody can listen to us anywhere.

So we're going to go to once a week for now, and then maybe if my schedule slows down a bit over time, I can go back to two a week. But for now, one a week, every Monday. And enough about all this. Let's get right to the excitement. Let's get down to the parade coming down the Harlan Highway with our commentators.

John Waters and John Starter. Take it away, guys. Well, thank you, Harlan. Thank you very much. And oh, man, what a great day for a Thanksgiving Day parade. The sun is shining, a few clouds in the sky, thousands of happy people down in the streets. Welcome, everybody, to the 74th Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade. I'm your host, John Water, and I'm John. starter. How are you today, John? Well, I'm hoping I'm good because, you know, the last few years, uh, you know, I don't know who puts lemon juice on their Thanksgiving turkey, but, uh, boy, oh boy, John.

Last year, there was lemon juice everywhere. The parade was not really working, John. Well, now, let's not get ahead of the curve. You know, every year we have wonderful, colorful new floats, elaborate floats that come down the street and people from the community put so much time and effort into these floats. They really are a spectacle. Well, sometimes I wish I wasn't wearing my glasses when these floats came by speaking of spectacles. I mean, some of them are just not worth my time to look at. Some of them have been very dangerous and some of them have been ethically and morally questionable, John. Some of them just really aren't working, John.

Well, why don't we let the floats, John, and the reaction from the crowd speak for itself. Here comes our very first float right down the road here, down the Harlan Highway, and we could ask for a more exciting float right out of the gate. This float comes to us from a SeaWorld. Well, holy jumping swordfish, John, and somebody blackened by salmon steak.

Well, now what's that mean, John? Well, I don't know who thought it would be a good idea to bring live dolphins out onto the land, but if you ask me, if you check every, you know, biology and marine biology handbook, apparently dolphins are supposed to be in the ocean, John. Well, I think we have to commend SeaWorld here. They've got a great big truck down there.

filled it up with salt water, obviously, and it looks like four or five happy, wonderful, healthy dolphins splashing around in the water, and the kids seem to be going really nuts for these dolphins, a real boatload of enthusiasm as the dolphins are jumping and splashing. Well, you know, let's put some math questions together here. What breathes air and lives on land? Answer, everything. What breathes air and lives in the water? Some of the dumber fish that didn't realize they should be on land.

That's your dolphins, John. Well, now, you know, they evolved. Everything evolved, John, and I don't think we want to have Darwin's debate here during the Thanksgiving Day parade. I'm just saying, John, it's not a good mixture. Sea creatures, 45 to 100 miles inland, miles and miles away from the nearest body of salt water. I just smell disaster. Well, John, I think it looks like they're perfectly content, splashing. Hold on.

Wait a second. It looks like there's a bit of activity down there. Uh-oh, here we go. Well, hold on now, John. It looks, oh my goodness, it looks like there's some water spilling out. under the road there. Here we go, just the way I predicted it. Leave the salties in the salt water, John.

Well, it looks, well, okay, I think you might have had some kind of premonition here, John. It looks like they've got a leak. It looks like the attendants are scrambling, scrambling to patch the leak, but the water seems to be pouring out faster than they can keep it in. And, oh boy, look at that. The water level is dropping by the second. Two of the dolphins are already. Oh, my God, their blowholes are sticking up into the clear blue crisp sky,

and they're gasping for air like a bottom trying to pop a popcorn fart, John. Well, now, I don't think we want to equate a dolphin's blowhole to a farting asshole, John. Now, let's keep it family. I'm just saying, John, look at those dolphins. They're gasping for breath. Oh, my God. Oh, my, they're flapping around. It reminds me of the dolphin slaughter in Japan every year on the beaches.

These dolphins are screaming for mercy. Listen to their horrified, clicking and crying. Oh, my God. Well, now, it doesn't look like it's a good situation, John. The children, the parents are shielding the children's eyes. Oh my God, the people are screaming, the people from SeaWorld are trying to contain the water. What are they doing? They're grabbing soft drinks from people in the crowd and throwing it into the pool

and an attempt to raise the water level. Yeah, because that's what dolphins need to survive, John, swimming around in a nice big tank of Coca-Cola, Dr. Pepper, or Sprite. Brilliant. And look at these poor, stupid mammals, who decided. to forego growing legs and coming on to land, and now they're paying the dear sweet Christ price, John. They're suffocating to death in the air that they breathe when they're in the ocean.

Oh, my God, the point you can hear the agony, the agonizing cries of death, the last gasping bastions of these poor soul's lives, and they say dolphins are the second smartest creatures. next to mankind. Well, I think we've just proved it wrong. Hey, you idiots, if you want to breathe air, be on the land with the rest of us, you dumbasses. Oh, my God, listen to them.

Oh, it's just agonizing to watch. All of them are just flapping and frolicing. As the life slowly leaves their dolphin bodies, John. This is, you know what, I called it from the second they came around the bend at the end of the road. It's not really working. Here we go. The Thanksgiving Day prayed the very first float, and what do we have? Dolphin carcasses rolling down the street, the soulful cries of death from God's second smartest mammal.

Oh, sweet Jesus Christ, wrapped in a shamwax. It's not really working, John. Okay, well, we're going to cut away. Well, they regroup down there. This is a bit of a tragedy, but let's not cast a shadow on the rest of the parade. We'll throw it back to you, Harlan, and we will be back very shortly with our next float from the 23rd annual Harlan Highway Thanksgiving Prade. Oh, my God, their blowholes are so swollen. I feel like I'm watching a Dutch porno movie with some kind of illegal sex toy that shouldn't be allowed near anybody's.

John, okay, let's, we're sending it back to you, Harlan, and we'll be back in just a little bit. It's not really working. Oh, listen to those dolphins. Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, God. You know, there always seems to be a hiccup.

at the parade every year. But, you know, we'll check back in as we get through the show here. And let's hope that things get normalized back to normal. Oh, my goodness. Meanwhile, Roger's telling me my Aunt Ruthie, who lives up in Rochester, New York. Apparently, she phoned and left me a phone message to wish me a happy Thanksgiving. So I think it's appropriate that we play it. I think that's what we should do.

And, you know, Aunt Ruthie's got a kind heart. She's sweet. She always means well. And I love hearing from my Aunt Ruthie up in Rochester. So I don't know what she said. I haven't listened to the message yet. But, Raj, let's go ahead and play a Thanksgiving greeting. from my wonderful Aunt Ruthie.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Hello. Hello. Oh, my God. Hello, Angel. How are you? Oh, my God, it's your Aunt Ruthie calling from Rochester New York, Angel. Oh, my goodness, how are you? Oh, my goodness, we miss you so much over here, Holland. I know you're in your Hollywoods, doing your movies and your televisions and whatnot,

but your Aunt Ruthie and your Uncle Harry, we miss you so much. Oh, you're such a little, you're such a little jinxon. Oh, my God. But anyways, Angel, I'm calling with a bit of disturbing news. You know, it's Thanksgiving, Angel. And, well, you know, every year your Aunt Ruthie prepares a nice 20-pound turkey. And, you know, I like to do it up really traditional with the stuffing and the fixings and all the rest of it. And, well, I had a bit of an accident here, Angel.

Nothing to get worried about, but your uncle Harry's not doing so well. We had to take them down to the hospital and get them pumped. What happened is, oh, my goodness, you know, I had the turkey out, and I was getting it all prepared, and I couldn't find my glasses, Angel, and you know how it goes when Aunt Ruthie doesn't have a glasses. I'm as blind as a Chinese bus driver, for Christ's sake. I mean, I've walked into walls. I'll never forget the time I walked into a mailbox down on 14th and 9th, and my arm got so. stuck in the goddamn thing, and I thought I was being attacked by a metal bear, for Christ's sake.

I don't know if you remember you. Such a little boy with your cute little freckles and your little mop-top. Oh, my goodness. But anyways, Angel, so as you know, your Aunt Ruthie got up early in the morning to prepare the tookie, and I couldn't find my glasses. I had all the stuffing and all the fixings ready, and as you know, your Uncle Harry, Well, he likes to sleep without any clothes on. He takes his sleeping pills because, you know,

he's always had trouble falling asleep since the war, of course. You know, Angel, no. Oh, he still gets the night shivers. Oh, the poor old bastard. Well, anyways, Angel, I couldn't see a goddamn thing. You know, I was blind as a Norwegian fucking apple skinner, you know, and I'm wandering around the house with a big giant bowl of stuffing, and I'm going, where the hell did I put that toykey?

And, of course, Uncle Harry's sleeping on the couch, and he doesn't like to wear any clothes. Oh, my God. And I started feeling around, and I guess I thought I was feeling the totocky, but it turned out to be of Uncle Harry's, you know, naked bottom cheeks, as they say, the buttocks. I think Forrest Gump said, you know, in that movie, I am a retard or whatever that's...

Whatever the name of that Gumpf movie was, he really was a retard angel, but I think he said buttocks. And so here I go, I got the whole bowl of stuffing. I mean, I've got a pile of it. It looks like a, you know, it looks like a pile of moose shit and a bowl, for Christ's sake, angel. So I start, you know, kneading the turkey. At least I thought it was. I didn't realize your uncle Harry's ass cheeks was so squishy and soft. I mean, I haven't touched that old bastard's ass since I was, you know, 47 years old,

and we spent a weekend in Niagara Falls on a 47th anniversary. But after that, I mean, we haven't, you know, well, I don't want to get into any intimate details. So anyhow, Angel, I start needing the turkey, and I start, you know, I start feeling around for the opening, you know, where the stuffing goes. And bingo, I found it. But in my head, I'm like, my goodness, this turkey's a little tight this year. Is this a butterball or what kind of turkey is this? But, you know, usually that opening between the drumsticks is, you know,

it's the size of a softball normally, but this turkey was tighter than a, you know, a Chinese roasted, you know, ass goblin, for Christ's sake. And so, you know, I get fistfuls of stuffing, and I start, you know, forcing it in there. I mean, I'm really working it. pushing and pushing and finally I was able to get the first handful up there and as I keep putting the stuffing up into

this twiki you know it starts to loosen up and it gets easier and easier as I go along and you know I'm through the whole fucking bowl of this stuff that must be like seven pounds of this stuffing I mean it's got the celery and the onions and just

the way everyone likes it you know angel and all of a sudden I hear some screaming for Christ take and i go what the is that harry and uh if faith would have it i looked around my glasses were there on the coffee table right near the couch where harry was sleeping i grabbed them and i put them on and harry's there screaming rolling around naked and i'm like jesus christ heavy what the hell's the matter with you and he starts going on about his insides of burning up and he says he's his stomach is all puffed out and he says oh my god and i realized what i

did. I ended up stuffing Uncle Harry with all the stuffing. But it wasn't my fault, Angel. I mean, you know, I think I couldn't see a goddamn thing. And so now Uncle Harry jumps up off the couch, and he's crying, sweet Jesus, and he starts walking around the living room, but he looks like a cowboy that just fell on top of one of those 17-foot cactuses, and it went right up to the North Roll, if you know what I mean, Angel. Oh, my God, he was walking around like a crab that had diarrhea for Christ's sake. I mean, holy shit. This old man could barely walk your poor Uncle Harry. And he's screaming and he says he smells onions and carrots and celery. And I'm like, oh, Christ, I realized I look over on the kitchen counter. There's the toykey.

And I realize I've just stuffed seven pounds of, you know, Thanksgiving stuffing right up your Uncle Harry's, uh, how do you do pipe? Oh, my gosh. His eyes are watering, his nose starts bleeding. You know, his hair looks like it's standing up on end, like he just saw the ghost of fucking Rosie O'Donnell was something, Angel, you know. And so I get you about go hairy down to the, you know, down to the ER, and I tell them, you know, my husband's just been stuffed, for Christ's sake. And they're like, what the hell are you talking about?

And I said, well, take a good sniff. And all of a sudden everyone was like, oh, did somebody bring in some things? Thanksgiving turkey? And I said, no, that's my husband. He's got seven pounds of stuffing up his ass. And so, you know, they had to take him into surgery and they had to pump them out. And oh my God, the whole hospital smelled like a Thanksgiving seven-course dinner. It was unbelievable. Oh, anyways, Angel, so it's just a little slowdown. We're going to pick up some more stuffing, but I just wanted to let you know that your uncle Harry's okay. He's still walking like, you know, you know, Like he was on a bicycle, and he rammed into a, you know, the Berlin Wall, for Christ's sake. He walks around with his legs bowed out like Robin Hood just robbed his genitalia. You know what I'm saying, Angel? But I think we're going to be okay. And so, you know, I hope we're okay.

Your uncle Harry says, I do want to say hi, Harry? Oh, he's ultra-mudgeoning. He's still, I think he's still upset. He's, I think he's still got some leakage. We had to buy them an adult diaper that catch all the gravy and trippings, you know. That's, you know, Thanksgiving stuff. But anyways, Angel, I hope you have a great Thanksgiving, okay? Your Aunt Ruthie loves you, and we give thanks for you, Angel, and all your wonderful TVs and your Hollywoods,

and we all love you here, okay, Angel. Happy Thanksgiving, Angel. Oh, hang on, Harry. Oh, my God. Harry said he just did this, this tricky skin coming out of his asshole. Oh, my God. Well, pull it out for Christ's sake. Oh, my God.

Is it white made a dark? Oh, my God. Anyhow, but I've got to go. Thank you. Happy Thanksgiving Angel. And Ruth, he loves you. Oh, my God. Pull it out, Harry.

Oh, my, oh, my goodness. That was God. She stuffed Aunt Harry for Thanksgiving? Aye, aye, aye, Aunt Ruthie, my God, oh, my God. Just, wow, okay. Never know what the hell Aunt Ruthie's going to say. You know what, why don't we shift gears and let's get to something a little more festive. Wow.

Let's throw it back to John Waters and John Starter at the Harlan Highway annual. Thanksgiving Day parade. Take it away, guys. Well, thank you very much, Harland. Thank you, thank you, thank you. We are having a grand old time here at the 46th annual Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade. Wow. Wow, indeed, John. Wow, as in, where's the wow factor for this parade? So far, I smell lemon juice all over. over the road, and it's not really working. Well, maybe this next float will change your mind, John. Here it comes. This is a float put together by Paula's plumpery,

which is a plus-size women's and girls' fashion accessory shop. Paula's plumpery, and plump it is. I thought the only thing that would be plumped this Thanksgiving was the Thanksgiving turkey in the middle of the table and now we have a float coming down the middle of the road with some of the fattest women I've ever seen in my whole life. Well, I believe the politically correct term, John, is a plus-size model.

Model? What kind of model? A model T. Ford? I mean, these girls are wider than a small. sports car for Christ's sake now John let's be sensitive here sensitive you're damn right I'm sensitive someone get a seismographic meter I think I feel our booth shaking as these diplodons walk down the middle of the road a diplodon that's right it's a type of dinosaur well they seem to be dressed in they're dressed flimsily they're showing off much too much skin. I can't decide if with all those jelly rolls down there, I'm watching a plus-sized model get together or a pack of wild sharp haze. I haven't seen this many wrinkles since the walls fell

down up at Prude Manor. Now, John, let's dial back the rhetoric a little bit. Wow. And look at these models walking down the street. They are showing off some wonderful fashions. We have some pantsuits. We even have some bikinis. Oh, my God. It looks like a mountain range melting into a sea full of seal blubber. Well, now John? No, don't now John me. There's certain things we know in life.

Models are models. They're skinny. They're victorious secret. They're thin. And these look like, you know, someone just escaped from flubber mountain. I mean, for God's sake. I haven't seen this many stretch marks since someone pulled saran wrap over my head in grade four.

Now, John, you have to settle down. These are women. They're beautiful. They're celebrating their bodies. Celebrating. Holy Christ. If this is celebrating, somebody stick a loaded dynamite in my birthday cake. These girls, I feel like I'm watching the Nature Channel,

and there's a whole special about walruses. floating around on the ice. Now, John, no, don't John me. You're either a model or you're not. Some things in life are just a reality. Models are thin, they look beautiful, they've got long hair, they're curvy, they've got a tapered waist,

they've got succulent breasts, they've got long legs that go on for forever. And I'm sorry, John, but these models look like as they walk down the street, They're leaving dinosaur footprints embedded in the concrete. Well, now, let's not get too carried away, John. I mean, I haven't seen this many. I mean, what are those things hanging over their stomachs?

Well, I believe they're called muffin tops, John. And muffin tops, that's like a whole bun cake hanging down over there. I mean, my goodness. It looks like someone, you know, they had a strawberry shortcake implanted on their belly. good Christ it's like a good Christ well now John let's not let's not what look at this do you see what I'm seeing here John what are you talking about John look some of the plus size models have just walked right up to the kids and plucked the the bowls of popcorn out of their hands look at there's a chubby one over there she just grabbed a four-year-old kid's soda pop right out of her

and is guzzling, and she took the lid off and chugged it. Oh, my God, not really working, John. Well, you know, a person can build up an appetite, John, walking for miles and miles down the road. It does take a lot of stamina. Stamina. This is the second float. We just started the parade,

and already these manatees are grabbing food from children who are standing on the side watching the parade going by. Good Christ in holy Godforsaken heaven, John. Well, now let's not... Well, hold on a second. There's some activity down there, John. Yeah, it looks like there's a bit of a skirmish down there. What seems to be going on?

Oh, my God, there's a Baskin-Robbins ice cream store right there along the route, and it looks like the models have broken away from the parade. Wow, here they go, Matt. Yeah, that's right. They've just smashed the front windows of the basket robins, and 20 or 30 plus size air quilt models have run inside, and they're having a feeding frenzy. It's like watching a pack of wild hammerhead sharks

tear apart a grouper for Christ's sake. Oh, Matt, look at that. There's ice cream flying everywhere. There's chocolate chip and vanilla and strawberry and crackly crunch. Look at that, just like that. They've cleaned out the Baskin Robbins ice cream. It's like a bunch of army ants just stripped the beef off a dying gazelle. Holy Christ in a crinkled up crankcase.

Well, John, we better. Oh, my God. Look at that. It looks like they're streaming out of the Baskin Robbins heavier than when they went in. Holy stretchmark mania, John. Wow, I mean, no, look at the stretch mark. not only on their bodies, but some of them have stretch marks on the sides of their mouth they've been eating so much. Oh, man, wow.

I mean, it looks like you're watching a moose graze on seaweed in a swamp for Christ's sake. Oh, man, wow. It's not really working, John. This year's parade, not really working. Well, we're going to break away. We'll let the commotion get cleaned up down there, and then we'll be back. with more exciting action and wonderful floats on the Harland Highway 17th annual Thanksgiving Day parade. Oh, my God, one of them just ate a fire hydrant.

Jesus Christ, on a crunkled up cracker brand. Jesus. Oh, wow. Oh, boy, geez, it sounds like they're having some complications at the Harlan Highway Thanksgiving Day parade today. but nonetheless, you can hear the crowd. It sounds like everyone's having fun. Everybody's enjoying themselves. So if there are a few hiccups, which we always seem to run into,

overall, it seems like based on what I'm hearing from the crowd and the crowd noise, that it's a good timing had by all. Wow. So we'll get back. I think we have one more segment. We'll go back to kind of finalize the parade. in a few minutes. But for now, I wanted to talk about a sad passing, switching gears from a jovial parade to a sad passing. One of my teen idols passed away this week. And it breaks my heart.

I mean, I don't know how many of you guys even remember this guy, but I sure do. David Cassidy. Oh, my God, from the Partridge family. This guy was, part of my youth. I was a little kid. I was probably like a 7, 8, 9, 10 years old when David Cassidy was the Justin Bieber of the day. This was before the internet and YouTube and all that stuff. And the only place you could really see or get information on teen idols like David

Cassidy was if you had the little teen magazines like Tiger Beard. and 16, and these were little magazines full of pop idols. And I had four sisters. So obviously there was always these magazines hanging around the house and up at the cottage. And, you know, I would see pictures of this guy. And as a young boy, you know, you're just starting to formulate your opinions in the world and you're starting to understand the difference between people and races and colors

and sizes and looks. And in my young life, in my short young life, not even 10 years old yet, David Cassidy comes along. And at the time, it was, I guess, the 70s, he had this kind of long hair, but it was parted in the middle, and it was feathered, and he had these, like, dreamboat eyes.

And he was just like, to me, as a little kid, I was like, this is the most, like, handsome, good-looking guy have ever seen in my life. You know, you got to remember, I'm a little kid, and we didn't have access to as much media as you do today. So here was this good-looking young pop star gracing the cover of magazines, and I got to tell you, man, he was my idol. He was like my little boyhood idol. He was such a good-looking guy, and I was, I'll be honest, I was like, I used to wish I was him. I'd say prayers to God, I'd say, God, why wasn't I born and looked like David Cassidy? I wish you would give me David Cassidy's good looks, God.

You know, he was just one of these guys. And the girls went nuts over him. And he was on this TV show called The Partridge Family, which was kind of a cheesy show. Even as a little kid, I was like, this is kind of cheesy. But he was just such a good-looking, charismatic guy that, you know, he was my my first, like, boy crush, you know what I mean? Like, not in a, in a sexual way, in a, I wish, I wished I was the guy. I thought, God, I want to be that good look and I want to be that popular.

I want everyone to love me. I want to be singing. I want my own TV show. You know, he just had it all, man. And, you know, as age does to all of us, he got older and he got into alcohol and he got into all his problems that life throws at you, which always made me sad. You know, when you see someone young and virile and their whole life ahead of them, like David Cassidy, and you just think, what could go wrong for this guy?

I mean, he's like true perfection. And by the way, this is the little boy talking here, about a 10-year-old Harland. This guy just was like, you know, he was, nothing could go wrong with a guy with such good fortune. to be born so good-looking, you know? And back in the 70s, another thing they used to do, there was this fashion thing where guys would wear choke chains around their neck. They'd wear, like, you know, black velvet choke collars. And that was just the look back then.

And sometimes David Cassidy would have one of those on and just be like, oh, man, how cool is this guy, man? Oh, man, I want to be that cool, bro. And so it was with a heavy heart. and a sadness that we say goodbye to, at least for me, sad for me that we say goodbye to one of my childhood icons, one of my childhood heroes, a guy that I emulated, I wished I could have been, but in the end I'm kind of glad I'm just me, you know what I'm saying? But when you're a little kid, I think we all have someone we wished we were

until we kind of get the world figured out, right? So RIP to David Cassidy, thanks for the memories, thanks for the music, thanks for the Partridge family, thanks for giving me a way to live vicariously through you, to dream that I could be someone more attractive and charismatic and popular. And, you know, as we get older, we realize it's all relative, it's all kind of a show. But as a little kid, it meant a lot to me, and it made me dream. It made me fantasize that I could be someone else. And, you know, I have very good memories of that time.

And when I see or hear David Cassidy, it brings me back to a very positive, fun, sweet, and innocent time in my childhood. So, David, if you're listening, thank you for all your gifts, all the joy you made me feel. and hopefully all the pains in life that you have endured are gone and you're in a better place and we all thank you for all the ways in which you touched us and brought something of meaning into our lives.

Okay? So R.I.P. David Cassidy, my childhood idol. And as a tribute, I thought maybe we'd just play one of David's hit songs from the Partridge family this is for you folks this is for David

this is I think I love you with David Cassidy on lead vocals and the Partridge family hit it, Raj I'm sleeping I'm sleeping and right in the middle of a good dream like all at once I wake

from something that keeps knocking at my brain Before I go insane I hold my pillow to my head And spring up in my bed screaming out the words I dread I think I love you This morning I woke up with this feeling

I didn't know how to deal with And so I just decided to myself I'd hide it to myself myself and never talk about it and did not go and shout it when you walk into the room I think I love you I think I love you so what am I so afraid of I'm afraid that I'm not sure of love there is no cure for I think I love you isn't that what life is made of Though it worries me to say that I've never felt this way Not so much to think about

Hey, I think I love you So what am I so afraid of? I'm afraid that I'm not sure of A love there is no cure for I think I love you Isn't that what life is made of Though it worries me to say I never felt this way

Believe me, you really don't have to worry I only want to make you happy And if you say, hey, go away, I will But I think better still, I better stay around Love you, do you think I have a pace Let me ask you to your face Do you think you're loving? I think I love you

I think I love you I think I love you I think I love you I think I love you I think I love you I think I love you I think I love you I think I love you

Oh yeah What a sweet and innocent song I mean just hearing that takes me back to my youth I think about how You know Life was about getting an ice cream sandwich And a bottle of pop And hanging out with your family

And your friends and playing tag and walking down to the creek and throwing rocks and going fishing and I'll tell you, man. I mean, it's, that's what I'm talking about why David Cassidy had meaning to me. You know, it just takes me back to that place where I was playing with my sisters and my cousins and my friends. and it was a time before the internet and before cell phones and we would just go on walks and we'd pick berries and we'd throw rocks

and we'd tell stories and we'd hide in the woods and we'd, you know, we'd just have fun, man. It was a sweet and innocent time and I will always treasure it. You know, compared to some of the music you hear nowadays that is, wow, just has the exact the exact opposite message a lot of music's filled with uh you know hatred and and supporting uh drug

culture and gang culture and calling women bitches and hoes and this and oh my god it's just so so different things are so different now i know i'm dating myself sounding like an old man but wow it kind of makes me, you know, wonder about why society is so topsy-turvy and upside down and belligerent and violent and self-absorbed. And, you know, a lot of it probably stems from the music that's being fed to kids as they develop. Instead of positive, fun, silly, harmless love songs and pop tunes, they're getting injected full of songs that tell them to treat women badly and use the N-word and defy the law and this and that and just the message has definitely changed.

So if for no other reason, thank you David Cassidy for the innocence, the fun, all that stuff. And speaking of songs, oh, my God, let's move along here to a song that I play every year on the podcast. This is a fun song celebrating Thanksgiving and celebrating turkey. Roger, let's hit it. Let's hit the Thanksgiving turkey song, bro. Turkey Govo, go go go go go go go give thanks Go go go go go go go go go Go turkey

Go go go go go go give thanks The pilgrim and his flag Ro ro ro to Plemma and cry Turkey Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gipi Gapu Gapu Gipi Gavu Gipald

The Pilgrin at his feast Yung Yung eat a bird beast They caught turkey Cable, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, gobble, Gobble, come, come, come, scy Gov, come, come, come,

go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go back. Dequil from, and their wives, Slice, slice, slice, slice it with their knife. Take part. Turst me Go-Gaw-Gaw-Gaw-Gaw-Gaw-Gaw-Gas-Gas-Gas-Gas-Gaw-Gaw-Gaw-Gaw-Gaw-Gas! Turst me, come, come, go-gau-gggggggible, give-dang.

Oh, love that song. Okay, speaking of Turkey, we got to get back to the end of our Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade. Let's get back in there and close out the show. I think there's one more float coming down the Harland Highway. Let's throw it back to John Waters. and John Starter. Well, thank you, Harlan.

Thank you very much. We're excited as we are coming down to the final float, the final group of the Thanksgiving Day parade. And before we get to that, what are your feelings about this year's 23rd annual Thanksgiving Day parade, John? Well, you know, as usual, John, and I hate to be a lemon in the middle of, of a lemon bush.

But like so many years before, I'm afraid that this parade is not really working, John. Well, now, you know, we did have a few little slip-ups along the way, but, I mean, why cast a shadow over the whole thing? Well, it's not hard to do, John. I mean, you know, we had the Victoria's secret flubber models. destroying a basket robin, stealing ice cream from children standing in the crowd. We have dead dolphins all over the place. I mean, the whole parade smells like a rotten aquarium.

And now we have the last float coming down the street. And I think I'll go ahead early and say, I smell lemon juice. It's not really working, John. Well, let's give it a chance, John. I mean, this is a very emotional, a very sensitive float. This is the first time we have ever seen a float put together by the New York Cancer Institute. And they are rolling down the street. They want to shine the light on cancer, cancer awareness, a horrible disease, sickness that afflicts so many people in this country and around the world.

and I think, John, we all know somebody who has been touched by cancer, John. Well, I think we're all about to be touched by cancer right here. And right now, here comes the New York Cancer Institute's float right down the street. And, you know, I just don't get it. They've got a big truck with a, it looks like a 40-foot-high tumor in the middle of, the truck. And walking beside the truck, we have melanoma clowns. Melanoma clouds, John. Well, look at them. They're clowns that are in the shape of giant brownish, brackish melanoma scabs. It doesn't matter how much cloud makeup you put on a melanoma scab. To me, it's just not

funny. Well, they aren't juggling, and the kids seem to be enjoying the juggling. Yes, But look what they're juggling, John. Well, it looks like they're juggling some kind of balls in the air. Those aren't balls. You tell me what color are those ball-shaped items that they're juggling. Well, if I'm taking a close look, John, they look black and brown. Exactly. Guess what they're juggling.

What's that, John? Tumors. They're juggling big giant brain tumors, leg tumors, cancer tumors, abdominal tumors. I just don't think that this is the way you create awareness. If nothing else, it's probably terrifying people in the crowd. Well, how about over there? We have the ovarian cancer lion walking beside the... Yes, are you kidding me, the regal king of the beast?

And look at him. He's all sour and green. He's covered in blood. And instead of a tail, he's got an ovarian tube wiggling around as if to put some kind of happy face on ovarian cancer. What a disgrace an ovarian cancer lion. You know, these things should have gone extinct before they were ever born, John. Not really working.

Well, I understand, John. It is a sensitive topic. It's hard to make cancer friendly and likable, but in doing so, attempt to doing so, John. Perhaps in a good way it's helping raise awareness and, you know, raising money for the cause of finding a cure for cancer. Well, let me ask you this, John. Do you think it's appropriate to try and raise money to stop the scourge of cancer by dressing

people up like leukemia elves? I'm sorry, John. Look down there. We have a group of leukemia elves. Have you ever seen a more sorry, sad bunch of elves? They're emaciated, their cheeks are sucked in. They have black bags under their eyes. Some of them are having trouble walking in those curly-tipped shoes.

Are you kidding me? We've got melanoma clowns, juggling tumors. We've got an ovarian cancer lion. And now the cream on the cancer cake. Leukemia elves, my God. You know, this float is a cancer on this parade. It's not really working, John. Well, it is innovative.

It is something new and something we haven't seen before, John. And, man, wow, they really are making a statement. You know, I think I'm feeling a little ill just looking at it. I wonder if it's possible to get eye cancer from looking at cancer, John. Well, these are questions we're going to have to ponder as we come to the end of our 14th annual Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade. Oh, man, wow. What an outing. What a show today.

What a wonderful, joyous event. Well, not really, John. If I can sum the whole parade up in three letters, okay, John, it would be n. RW. Not sure what that means, John. Not really working, John. Lemon juice everywhere, horrible floats, and another colossal failure.

I'm sorry to say it, but not really working. Well, John, I'm sure there's people down there who are laughing, who are cheering, who would disagree with you, but nonetheless, we had a great time here today at the 79th annual Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day Parade. Thanks for joining us, everybody. I'm John Waters, a happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

And I'm John Waters, and, you know, I'll say it again, have a great Thanksgiving, but it's not really working, John. Okay, John, thank you very much, everybody. And don't forget to squeeze lots of lemon juice on your turkey, because that's what this parade was. Oh, man, wow. Okay, thank you very much. We'll throw it back to Harlan Williams in the booth.

Happy Thanksgiving from John Waters and John Starters. Suck a golden lemon. Oh, man, wow. Okay, well, thanks, guys. Great job. We'll see you, hear from you next year. We never get to see you because you're out there in your little booth up over the parade. but great coverage.

Unfortunately, it sounds like we have a mixed review. One of you seemed to enjoy the parade, and the other one was a little bit off-put by the whole affair. But nonetheless, it sounded like a great crowd and another wonderful Thanksgiving Day parade right down the Harland Highway. So there you go, gang. We're back.

We're back at full force, as you can tell. You know, as you can see, I stretched out today's podcast an hour long, just kind of as a way to say thanks for your patience. Thanks for hanging in. I did an extra juicy Thanksgiving podcast for you today, just to kind of make up for some of that lost time we had for a couple of weeks. Well, I was getting reorganized, but it feels good. It sounded good in my earphones. Roger, you good? Yeah, Roger, you're happy with everything?

Good. Roger's happy. I'm happy. So we're back in the saddle. And let's do a few announcements before we get the heck out of here. First of all, again, I want to say thank you on this Thanksgiving. Thank you to all for listening, for being fans of the show, for going along for the ride on the highway. I want to thank all my fans who embraced my new Disney cartoon, Puppy Dog Pals. What a reaction. This show is a bona fide hit gang.

It's in the top five of kids programming in its age bracket. It's the studio who's doing all the work behind the show. It's apparently, according to them, it's their top show that they've ever put together. And when I say that, I mean, Disney is the entity that airs the show. And then they farm out all the work to a production company. And so that production company, this is their biggest show to date that they've had. Disney has ordered a second season, which will start in 2018. We're so excited, and they've added extra shows.

I mean, last year we did 50. This year we're going to do 60. And people are buying the toys, and they're buying them online. If you want to get some puppy dog pals toys for Christmas, if you have kids, I tell you, man, these are fun, sweet, adorable toys. I've been sneaking out and buying them myself just because it's, you know, I created the show. And at one point, it was a figment of my imagination. And now I walk into Target and Toys Are Us and Walmart and there's my toys sitting on the shelf.

I can't say no to that, man. I got to buy. They're like my babies. I've got to buy my babies. But I really do mean it when I say they're fun toys. They're super cute. How can you go wrong with puppies and kittens and things like that? So you can order your puppy dog pals online at the Disney store.

You can get them on Amazon. You can get them at Target.com. I mean, give your kids this year the gift of puppy dog pals. They have pajamas. They have slippers. They have t-shirts. They have a dollhouse, except it's a dog house. It's this big plastic dollhouse, dog house with slides in it and teeter-totters and trees.

I swear to God, I bought one. I never thought at this point in my life I'd buy like a dollhouse dog house. But like I said, I just had to. I have to. There's books out. There's just, there's water jugs. There's, you know, there's all kinds of stuff out there. So hopefully some of these puppy dog pals toys bring some joy to you and your family and your kids.

And thank you again so much for making it a hit show. And we can't wait to bring you season two. And we'll see where it goes from there. Maybe it's season three, a season four. I don't know. Let's see. But for now, thank you so much. And there you go.

Let's leave it right there. Let me tell you about some unexpected. comedy dates that came up. I actually was going to take all of December off, you know, just to chill out and enjoy the holidays. And lo and behold, my agents call me and they're like, hey, man, we got some pretty good offers for you to go and do some cities and do your stand-up. What do you say?

And I looked at the offers and I was like, well, that'll help pay the bills. Okay. So here we go. It's Orlando, the Orlando Improv. Yes, indeed. Love that city. Orlando. Amazing city. Great people. Great fans. We will be there December 8, 9, and 10. Yes, December 8, 9, and 10, the Orlando Improv, okay? Going to be a blast. And then the following weekend, December 14th through the 16th, 14, 15, 16.

I'll be on the other side of the country in Bellevue, Seattle, Washington, at the Parlor, Great club, really intimate room, great stage, right on top of the people who go. It's really tight, great room. So December, we have Orlando, Florida, and then December 14th through the 16th, Seattle, Washington, Bellevue, the parlor live. And then here's another one. I didn't really have plans for New Year's, and I got a call from Salt Lake City, Utah. and they were like, hey, I would you like to do New Year's?

And I was like, sounds good to me. So I will be in Salt Lake City, Utah on December 29th through the 31st at the West Jordan Wise Guys. There's a new club in West Jordan or Jordan. I haven't been to this one yet. It's new. So I think it's Jordan just right downtown there, just outside of downtown Salt Lake City.

City, and December 29th, 30, and 31. Going to be a blast ringing in the new year. Mormon style, baby? Yeah. So look forward to having. I always have a great time in Salt Lake City. Great club, great, great environment for comedy. And that is it.

As far as I know, that is it for 2017. So, as I said, all these shows. will be up on my website, harlanwiliams.com. You can order your tickets ahead of time. Make sure you don't get left out. And we're good to go. Also, if you want to write to me, harlandwiliams.com is where you can write to me.

You can leave me a message there. You can write me an email. Or if you want to leave me a voice message, 323-739-43-3-3-3-3-3-3-7-39-40. 3.30, you know. And what else? Don't forget to get the free app for the Harland Highway on your app store. You can listen to us wherever you go.

And thank you to the premium members who signed up this year. Your premium membership, only $20 a year. Get you every episode of the Harland Highway. Plus bonus episodes that I do from time to do. time or bonus material that I threw up there from time to time as a little treat just for the premium members. And there you go. There you have it. So hey, happy Thanksgiving to all of you. I hope you have a great one. Let's give thanks for our health, for our happiness, for all the things life has to offer us. Remember, it's good to be alive. One day we won't be alive, but today we

are, and let's give thanks. All right, guys, and gals, and pavement pounders. That's it. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. And until next time, gobble, gobble, and chicken, chow me, baby. Go go go go go go go go go go go go go get that Thank you.