The Harland Highway - 920 - WALLY the CHRISTMAS ELF. Crazzzzy news story! Harland's TV commercials.

Episode Date: December 4, 2017

Harland calls WALLY the CHRISTMAS ELF. Crazzzzy news story! Harland's TV commercials. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast, everybody. How are you today? My name is Harlan Williams. I'll be your host and MC. What a show we have today. Oh, my God, we are putting in a call. Today is our first kind of Christmas holiday-flavored podcast. We're going to play our first Christmas carol of the season on the show.

And we're going to take some calls from some of the listeners. They're going to be talking about the last show. where we talked about Thanksgiving. So we've taken those phone calls. We're also going to be putting in a phone call to the North Pole to get a jump on Santa's workshop. We're going to be talking to Santa's top elf. Wally, the Christmas elf, he's up there,

and I guess they've started production on all the toys. So we're going to get a jump on the season and see how that's coming along. Also, a crazy news story. How much do you? love your parents. I don't know if you love them as much as the people in this crazy news story. We'll see.

Stick around for that towards the end of the show. And then one of the pavement founders asked me about some of the early things I did in my career before I kind of, you know, got up and running and doing movies and TV and stuff like that. So I'm going to tell a few stories about the early days of yours truly slugging it out here in Hollywood. So a lot going on in today's podcast. Put your helmet on.

This is the Harland Highway. Put on your seatbelt. It's about to get bumpy. Oh, how perfectly awful. I get my kids above the waistline, suction. When will they take the bandages off? We don't know who we are. We don't know where we are.

You're riding down the Harland Highway. Let us out of here! please let me tell you you're starting something here that that's what you should be frightened of oh fuck yeah bud just leave us alone sit down strap in and shut up what's going on what's the matter i thought maybe if i could kill him i could make him stop my mother never breastfed me she told me she liked me he's a friend who are we this is the harland highway what it's the harland highway It's a cop-book It's the most

It's the most wonderful With the kids Jinglebelling and everyone telling To be of good cheer It's the most Happiest time Name of Rosie O'Donnell's Rear. Hey, everybody, we are into December.

Oh, my God. First Christmas Carol of the season here on the Harlem Highway. Unbelievable. Just unbelievable. I just love it. Listen. It's the hap-happ happiest season of all. Oh, Sparkle!

Sprinkle, Sparkle No Charles I just love this time of year You know It's just so cool It's so festive I love the Christmas carols

And the music and the lights And the trees and the traditions And the customs And the customs And speaking of customs Last podcast I kind of threw it out there on the Harlan Highway question of the day. What about Thanksgiving?

Why don't we have any Thanksgiving customs? Are there movies? Are there TV shows? Are there like carols that we do every year at Thanksgiving? And I couldn't put my finger on it. I couldn't really think of anything that was kind of a widespread Thanksgiving tradition. but one of the pavement pounders called in and he illuminated me he mentioned some some classic Thanksgiving stuff that I think you know might be a tradition to many but

it's not like sweeping but nonetheless it was a great list of Thanksgiving you know things you could watch and participate in The year! So, you know what, Roger, let's play that Pavement Founders phone call and listen to what he's suggested. And thank you very much, by the way, as something you can do and share with your friends and family during Thanksgiving. Hit it, Roger.

Hey, hi, this Casey, the dude here. You're asking about Thanksgiving traditions and the movie we have to watch every year is planes, trains, and automobiles because it ends on Thanksgiving. He's trying to get home for Thanksgiving, so that's a movie we have to watch every year. Also, grumpy old man has some kind of focuses around Thanksgiving a little bit.

And then we watch TV episodes, like Cheers has a good Thanksgiving episode. I think South Park has one. Modern Family, things like that. Anyway, that's our traditional movie TV shows. All right, chicken lo, mean, baby. All right, pretty good. I'll take any of those, you know. You know, they're kind of fringe.

I would say that the planes, trains, and automobiles is the top one. But watching that movie, it's kind of like the going over Thanksgiving thing is kind of like it's not the main thrust of the story. I guess to a degree it is, but I didn't come away from that movie feeling like it was like, oh, this is all about Thanksgiving. It felt more about like it was more about the journey between these two nutty characters.

But nonetheless, even though it's a little bit of a reach, I'll take it, you know? That could be a, that's a great movie. I didn't really like that movie when it first came out. I was like, eh. But then when I watched it again as I got older, I just realized the brilliance. And I don't mean to downplay Steve Martin, but the brilliance of John Candy in that movie. He's just such a victim.

And he's just so funny. And he just, just the way they did his hair and the look in his eyes. And he just played such a sap. It was just perfect. So thank you for that list, a good list, and maybe, you know, now that we've thrown that out there, that could be a thing everyone does on Thanksgiving. So there you go. And speaking of the holidays, we always like to get an early jump on this, don't we? Rodge, like we like to check in at Santa's Workshop, right?

With Wally the Christmas Elf? Yeah, should we give them a call? I know he's probably busy, but should we check in? Okay, let's do it. Roger has a direct line up to Santa's workshop, and Wally the Christmas elf, he's the head elf in Santa's workshop. He's a busy guy, especially this time of year, but I think it's worth putting in a call just to see how things are getting going. And let's call the North Pole, buddy. Melvin, no, get away from those and start playing with the reindeer.

Just get back on the assembly line and stop playing with the reindeer for Christ's sake. Hello, hello. Wally? Yes, who's this? Hello, Wally, it's Harland Williams from the Harland Highway. Oh, how are you? How's it going? It's going great, Wally. It's great to talk to you.

It sounds like the workshop is humming. What does that mean, humming? It sounds like everyone's working hard. Well, I mean, you might want to choose your words more, more, you know, humming to me is, you know, when you say humming, that throws me off. Well, sorry, Wally. What I mean is it sounds like there's a lot of activity. Well, we're working like crazy.

I mean, we're into December, and here we go. Here we go. It's all starting, and hold on a second. Melvin? No. No. Do not pick your nose with the tip of your curly little elf shoe. Get it out of your nose. Good Christ. Hello? Yeah, we're here, Wally. Oh, my goodness. He's Elps. I mean, my God, he's trying to pick his nose with, you know, these little curly shoes Santa has us wear. Yeah, the little, they got the little twirl on the tip. Yeah, well, Melvin, one of my Elps over here, he's trying to.

trying to pick his nose. He's got the tip of his slipper up his nose. That doesn't sound very safe. Well, you know, what am I going to do? This is what I got to work with. So are you working on a lot of toys your building? Well, of course we're working on toys. What do you think we're doing over here?

Making jello, for Christ's sake? Well, I know, Wally, but I mean any hot toys you're working on? Well, we got trains. We got Dora the Explorer. We're making these dolls. Some reason, kids want a doll that goes on and, you know, travels. I mean, why do we make a travel agent doll, for God's sake? Well, kids do love Dora.

We got trains. You got Thomas the talking train and the blue. I don't know if he's got blue balls or what the hell is going on with this. Somebody better get Thomas the train late is what I'm saying. Well, now, Wally, let's, holy smokes. Anything else? Oh, we got this SpongeBob Square Dance. The pants, SpongeBob Square pants.

Yeah, well, square something for great sake. I mean, who the hell ever would have thought a kid would want a sponge for a goddamn Christmas present? Well, he is popular. Well, what's next? You know, a talking brillo pad? How about a dish scrubber? I knew I could have made $20 million with a freaking sponge. I mean, aren't these the assholes of the ocean?

What do you mean, Wally? Well, I mean, the sponges live at the bottom of the ocean. Don't they just sit around and scrub the ocean's asshole all day? Well, I think they help filter out, you know, the water and so on. Yeah, well, that sounds like an asshole of the ocean to me, for Christ's sake. Okay, Wally, anything else? Hold on a second. Hey, hey, come mine.

No, no, don't eat the Legos. Oh, my God. Hang on a second. Oh, everything okay, Wally? Hang on. God, right? What did I tell you? Do not swallow the Legos.

You don't eat the Legos. Remember last year when you did a Lego turn? Yeah, right in the middle of the floor, you did a little elf Lego turn. And we had to take it apart piece by piece with caught on the cob tongs. God. Hello? Yeah, but we're here, Wally. These elves, I mean, I don't know what's wrong with them.

It's like, you know, I don't know if they got hit in the head with Santa's sleigh or what, but they're about as smart as a, you know, a Chinese cabbage rolling down Coleslaw Street. Well, wow, Wally, I mean, what's Santa doing? Can you give us a little insight onto what the Jolly St. Nick is doing? Yeah, and in the words, you know, Jack Daniels ring a bell? What? Jack Daniels. Forget it. Anyhow, he's doing fine.

He's in the house, him and Mrs. Claus, you know, she's always got her fingers in the oven. She's making plum puddings and sugar corn caramel drops and, you know, gingerbread, angels, and plum corn on the cob, crinkle, crackers, and I don't know what the hell she makes. I mean, I'm in charge of the toys. I get it, Wally, and it sounds like you're really doing, you know, going gangbusters down there. I can hear the hammers and the drills and the... Well, you know, some of these elves, you know, you've got to keep your eye on them because, you know, some of them like the slap...

Hold on a second. Here we go again, for Christ's sake. Wally? Hold on. Listen, Iggy, no. That's not how you warm up an icicle. Okay, if you want to suck on an icicle, you go outside to the icicle lounge. You did not warm up an icicle by sticking it up there.

No. Dirty, Iggy, don't you to get out to the icicle lounge? Jesus Christ. Wally? Oh, well, you know, these are the, you know, what is it, what is it an elf like more than anything, a Christmas elf? Oh, I don't know, making toys. That's what you'd think, right? But guess what?

These little freaks, and pardon me for saying it, because I'm one of them, but they love to suck icicles, okay? That's the thing. It's like smoking. They're addicted to icicles. Every time I turn around, they're out at the iceicles. edge of the rooftop, sucking an icicle, knocking down an icicle. Wow, so that's like a treat to them like candy. Of course, it is.

The Ralph, so, you know, they're always sucking on them, and of course, the ice cold. And so, you know, Iggy, one of my little elves here, he gets what he likes to do to warm up his icicle, so it's not so cold when he puts in his mouth. Yeah, that's about right. He sticks it up the old North Pole, if you know what I mean. Oh, my God, are you saying? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying. Now, listen, I've got to get back to work.

I don't know what you do for a living, but I got a million things to do here. Can you get it? No, no, no, no, no, Wally, no need to explain. We appreciate your time. We know how hectic it is there. Thank you so very much. And we look forward. Can we call you again before Christmas?

I guess so. You know, hold on a second. Jesus Christ. velvet no you don't put you don't show raggedy ann's face onto her crotch area you put her face on her head no no little girl wants to pull up raggedy and see a face staring out of jesus christ in heaven these elves are like it's like they got hit in the head by a fucking sardine tan that someone threw off the highway you know what i'm saying yeah oh we got you wali well uh i gotta get back to work thank you for calling Happy holidays to everyone And did you have listeners?

Yes, we have a whole bunch of people All over the world Listening to the podcast Well, happy holidays to each and every one of you, Fox And, you know, we'll talk to you soon. I've got to get gone. You got it, Wally, you got it. Cobbide, pull up your pants.

Don't you shit that Lego all over the place. Carbide! Oh my God. Wow, that's like a hurricane, man. Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping

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One night, 17 kids woke up, got out of bed, walked into. to the dark, and they never came back. I'm the director of Barbarian. A lot of people die in a lot of weird ways. You're not going to find it in the news because the police covered everything all up. On August days. This is where the story really starts. Weapons.

I'm exhausted just talking to Wally, but what a job he has. I mean, that can't be easy. Is he gone? Okay, we've lost the connection to the North Pole, but I'm excited, man. That was fun, man. I just, you know, talking to Wally the Christmas health just always gets me in the spirit.

It lets me know that the elves are up there working hard to make toys and gifts for the kids and the adults and everyone. And, you know, Roger, hopefully we can get, you know, talk to Wally again before the big day. It was very kind of them to make room and his schedule to talk to us just as things are kicking off. But what a job.

I wouldn't want his job, man. That guy is going a mile a minute. So our thanks to Wally the Christmas elf. Hopefully we'll talk to him again before Christmas. And, oh, we have another Thanksgiving call. Okay, well, we're talking about the holidays. Let's play it, Raj. I guess one of the pavement pounders.

we have another call for Thanksgiving. Let's play it. Hey, Harland. It's Jeff from Tulsa. I just wanted to wish you a happy Thanksgiving. I'm glad the show's back up. I just had a question for you. I was watching a YouTube video from this guy called The Nostalgia Critic,

and he was going over some old commercials from the 90s, and there was a commercial that you did where you, played the Tricks Rabbit was wearing you like a costume and you went into the store and you bought a box of tricks cereal and you

get it back home and he unzips and he reveals to be the rabbit. Anyway, I just wanted to ask like, you know, what kind of what kind of other things did you do

back in the day before you know, your film career and everything really took off. What kind of things did you do that maybe a lot of people don't know about like that tricks commercial? I didn't, you know, of course, I knew it was you as soon as I saw it. But what are the things did you do like that back in the 90s? So anyway, well, I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving. And yeah, man, thanks for the last. Been a fan for a long, long time.

Have a good one. Bye-bye. Well, there you go. Thank you for the call, Jeff. And, man, now you're going to force me to go down memory lane here. Yikes. So the commercial that you referenced was the got milk commercial. And the concept was that I'm this guy and I go buy some tricks.

And I finally get home. And I just about, I pour the boy. of tricks out and I go to pour the milk and, you know, I unzip my human form and the animated version of the Tricks Rabbit comes out and the Tricks Rabbit is finally going to eat some tricks and he's out of milk. He's only got one drop of milk left. And so that was one of the Got Milk commercials. I think it's on YouTube. But that was one of the few commercials I did when I first move to Hollywood when you're trying to get going, when you're trying to break into the acting world, commercials seems like the easiest way to start, and many, many actors start that way.

Although I got to say the commercial world is very competitive and it's very kind of cutthroat and it can be a little bit depressing because with commercials you basically show up to a casting session, and usually there's just a room full of people, like just 20, 30, 40 people. And those are just the ones that are there, well, you happen to be there. The reality is they're bringing people in all day long. And so the odds of booking a commercial are really, really, like, low. Like, you know, you've got to be really lucky to book a commercial. And I don't know if I have good luck or not.

but I seem to have done pretty good for the short time that I did commercials. So to answer your question, maybe for about two years, I did the commercial circuit. And, man, it was, you know, it involved driving all over Los Angeles and going all the way down to Santa Monica and out to Studio City and out to Burbank and down to Hollywood. and oh my god these casting places are like all over this giant city of los angeles so so it was a lot of work and sometimes you sometimes you'd have two or three in a day and then and then you know when you go in for a commercial a lot of times you think oh you go in and read they like you you get the commercial but no what they do very often is they uh they uh they bring you in they like you and then they put you on a short list and then you get what's called a callback so now now instead of being in a room with 200 people they've whittled it down to like 30 and now you have to go all the way back and go through all the stress and all the rigmarole and now suddenly it's down to like 30 of you and then they make you audition again and then they might do it a third time where now it's down to five of you

And so it's very stressful, it's very competitive, but when you're a hungry new kid in town, you're like, screw it, I'll do it. But then once you start, like fortunately for me, once you start getting movie roles and things like that, you're able to cut the commercials loose because you're like, you know what, I don't really, A, I don't want to be seen doing commercials because it takes away from my cachet as an up and coming actor. but also, you know, it just, you know, it's not worth your time anymore because once you start making movies, you're doing bigger, better things, you're making way better money, you're kind of at a different level. Although I have to say that seems to all have changed today. Today it's almost like you're not hip if you don't have a commercial. When I was coming up in the 90s, it was taboo.

Like if you had a commercial and you were a celebrity, that kind of meant you were at the end of your career and you were desperate. And now you turn on the TV and everyone from Kevin Spacey to Jennifer Aniston to Brad Pitt to Morgan Freeman to, I mean, you'd name it. Who doesn't have a commercial? So the stigma of commercials is all changed. But to give you a little insight to that commercial. The guy who directed it, he also directed a movie. I forget the name of it, but it was a movie with Ben Stiller, Janine Garofalo, Pee Wee Herman.

It was about a bunch of misfit superheroes. And William H. Macy was in it. I actually auditioned for it. I didn't get it. But it was about a bunch of misfit superheroes. I forget what it was called. It wasn't very good in the end. But this director went on to do that as a film,

and then I don't know if he kind of went on from there because the movie didn't do all that well. But that day, that was the early days of green screen technology. And so what they did is they literally made me sit with my head in a brace for hours. They literally set up a brace. So because back in the day, the technology was still being, you know, worked out. And when you're shooting green screen, things weren't allowed to move. If you moved even the slightest, it would ruin the shot.

So they literally put my head and to sit on a stool and lean forward and put my head in a steel brace. And as fate would have it, you know, I was there all day and about two hours into the shoot, all the symptoms of a horrible flu came on. I caught the flu somehow, and I really get headaches, and my God, my head was ready to blow up. I mean, I was so sick, and these guys were sticking my head in a brace. Oh, it was torture, man. I felt like I was in a torture chamber.

But anyways, as far as some of the other commercials I did, I did another one for the California. Lottery, where I was a guy sitting on a beach and I was having trouble picking my lottery numbers and a seagull flies overhead and drops a bird poo right on some numbers. And I picked those numbers and I win. I did a commercial for Budweiser. It turned out to be a Super Bowl commercial. I had no idea what the, that it was going to be, a Super Bowl commercial.

I didn't even know that Super Bowl commercials were a big deal. I didn't watch football, so I was clueless. But it was a commercial where I was on African safari with my girlfriend, and up on top of our Land Rover, we have a cooler, and they got like 10 trained chimpanzees from an adult male all the way down to a little baby. And basically, while I was in the Land Rover arguing with my wife or girl, friend, the chimps were up on the roof and they built a chain and they were opening the cooler and passing the beers all the way down the chain from the biggest to the smallest and ripping

off all the Budwisers. I did a commercial for L.A. gear where I was like selling their shoes. And that was a really cool commercial because that led to me getting to play street hockey. with Mark Messier, Wayne Gretzky, Brett Hall, all these great hockey players. We did that as a promotional thing. What else? I did a commercial for a telecommunications company up in Montana. I did a, you know, I did a bunch of other ones.

And I didn't really realize how lucky I was to get them. until kind of after the fact. I was a bit naive. And as fate would have it, I didn't know, but they actually give out awards for TV commercials. I had no idea. They have like an Oscars. And they have the best of and all that.

And all these commercials I did just happen to be award winners. Like a whole bunch of the commercials I did. And I only did, I think, about maybe, you know, 8 to 10. And half of those turned out to big, big award winners. I did another commercial with Michael Bay. Yeah, that's right, the director of the Transformer movies. Michael Bay, I did a Nike commercial for him. I remember they were trying to cast it and they're looking at all these people.

They looked at hundreds and hundreds of people. And Michael didn't like anybody. And so at this point in time, I had stopped doing commercials. I was like, yeah, I'm not doing them anymore, right? and my agents called me and they said, Harlan, look, we know you don't do commercials anymore. We know you've stopped doing them. But this guy, Michael Bay, is doing these huge Nike commercials

and they're having real trouble finding their guy, and would you go down and read? And I said, you know, I was kind of at this point where I was starting to pop, and I had a name as a movie actor. And I kind of said, I'll go read if they pay me. What a cocky bastard, right? So they paid me to go and audition.

And boy, did I feel good about that after all the slug and I had done all over Hollywood with my other commercials. So I went down and they paid me and I walked in the room and there's Michael Bay sitting there. Again, I always seem to be so naive about everything. Maybe that might be the key to my success, to be honest. And I had no clue who he was. Apparently he had already done all these movies.

And I get in front of him And he just looked like another dude to me And I start doing my thing And boom, the guy loved me. Michael Bay loved me. He booked me. I didn't even have to do a callback for that one. They're like, dude, you got it.

We're shooting in two days. So then I kind of found out who Michael Bay was. I found out it was a big deal. And I found out I was getting paid a lot of money. I think I got paid like a hundred grand just to do a commercial. And so we shot some of that on the universal lot where they do the Universal Studios, where they do the tours, and they have all the big studios.

And it was really funny because I had to wear all this makeup. My bit was in the Michael Bay Nike commercials that I was a severed talking head. So once again, I was this head. And so they made my face up like a zombie. And they put this big, like, this big, you know, cut mark across my throat. So it looked like I was a severed head. And I'll never forget it on my lunch break. I had all my makeup on.

And I jumped into one of the golf carts, the security team at Universal Studios, have golf carts. And they usually just leave the keys in them. And so at lunch, I jumped in when I drove all the way up the hill to the back lot where they have the Universal Tour and they have the house, the original house from Alfred Hitchcock's psycho movie, right?

And so I thought, oh, man, I'm going to go in. So I drove around the back. I snuck inside the Psycho House. And as I was in there, I look out the window, I hear some noise, and the Universal Tour thing is going by. It's this big, long cart full of like, you know, 100 people, and it drives them past all the iconic Universal Studio.

you know, houses and jaws and sets and leave it to Beaver's house and all this. And I thought, what the hell? And I remember I decided as they're driving by, I walked out the front door, kind of like Frankenstein, my arms out. And I was like, and they were all pointing and looking. And then I ran back inside. And like three minutes later, I see a security golf cart wailing up the hill. And I'm like, uh-oh, somebody told on me,

and I jumped in my golf cart and here's me with my headless makeup speeding. It was like a police chase through the Universal Studios. Luckily I had a jump on the guy and I was able to lose them as I wound my way through the sound stages and I made my way back to my sound stage

where me and Michael Bay were shooting this freaking Nike commercial. Oh, yeah, so man, yeah, you brought up a lot of memories, I'm sure there's a few other commercials I can't even remember. But anyways, there's a little bit of the backstory. And that's just the commercials. I guess in another episode I can talk about some of the TV things I did and some of the early things I did to get my footing here in Hollywood before things started, you know,

going up a notch for me. So great question. Thank you for the Thanksgiving greeting And a happy Thanksgiving Even though it's passed to all of you And now we're moving forward towards Christmas So what do you say, Raj? We do a crazy news story to end the show here

What do you say? All right, let's do it. Crazy news story The Harland Highway Crazy news story That's weird That's strange stuff I think you're crazy.

All right. Here we go. This is a little crazy. I guess we all look for love in different places. But here's today's crazy news headline. Ready? Oklahoma woman who married mother after two, quote, hit it off, pleads guilty to incest.

Here we go. way down there in Oklahoma. Oh, yeah, here's the story. An Oklahoma woman who married her biological mother in 2016 after they reunited and allegedly, quote, hit it off, pleaded guilty to incest Tuesday. I mean, how much you have to hit it off to marry your mother? I mean, what did this mother do?

Bake her a cake, take her to Disneyland, read her bedtime stories, tuck her in. make her lemonade, take her to the movies, all in one day? I mean, how much seduction went on here? Here's the story, Misty Span, 26, that's quite the name, Misty Span, sounds like a stripper to me, of Duncan, Oklahoma pleaded guilty, and under the deal was sentenced to 10 years of probation. Her mother, Patricia Anspan, now that sounds like a piece of space equipment. We are Houston, we are mounting the Patricia Anspan right now, and we are a go.

The mother, 44, has pleaded not guilty to incest. She could face 10 years in prison if found guilty. Prosecutors said Patricia Span also must. married one of her sons in 2008. The marriage was annulled in 210 due to, quote, incest. Boy, this mother really loves her kids. It's not enough for a little support and a little hug and a little encouragement. Damn it, son, I'm going to marry you, boy.

You know what? You scored those two goals on your soccer team today. You made your mother so proud. You get over here. Here's a wedding ring. I'm going to get down on my knee, tie my little boy's shoe, and while I'm down there, I'm going to propose. Will you marry me, son?

Good Lord. The thing with the son didn't work out, so what the hell, let's marry the daughter. The mother said she thought the marriage to Misty was legal because she had lost custody of her daughter and two sons years ago and is not listed on their birth certificates. Oh, so there's her reasoning.

Because legally, on a piece of paper, she's not listed as the mother. She immediately thought, well, if I'm not listed on the paper as the mother, then I guess that wipes out my DNA and all my genetics. I guess we're not related by blood in any way, if it doesn't say so on that there piece of paper over there. Patricia allegedly told authorities she was reunited with Misty in 2014 after losing custody and the two, quote, hit it off. The news in the area reported Patricia's marriages to her children were, quote, all ploys to manipulate state laws. Quote Misty and Patricia told me they got married to basically defraud the state in order to receive more benefits under health care. The sort of thing, Detective Justin Smith,

told the news channel. Smith said the mother-daughter duo was attempting to adopt a child and believe their marriage would shorten the process. Guess what? Now, they weren't doing it to shorten the process. They were adopting a child so they could marry it.

Now, listen, Misty, I know you're my god-forsaken wife and my daughter, but I think it's important that we have a child so we can both marry it. um authorities reportedly learned of the marriage in february 2016 and opened an investigation um so there you go man that is just uh freaky anyone out there ever consider marrying their kids or their parents um maybe the uh children of the corn thing is uh getting a little too

real. Holy can of mushroom soup, huh? And they got pictures of these two, and they look about right for the incest game. I mean, the mother looks like a car mechanic, and the daughter looks like, you know, she chews the wrong end of the pencil, if you know what I mean. So there you go. If this holiday season you get a gift that seems a little too expensive or a little too nice from one of your parents or they sit too close to you on the couch during Christmas caroling, put some distance between them, they might be getting ready to propose. Good, sweet Christ.

And she's the story of a lovely lady Who was bringing up three very lovely girls And she married them all Like their mother The youngest one in curls Come here darling and the pinch your back I like you boys Oh yeah

Let's share a bad. Hey, it's an incest party. Let's all get it on. We're gonna make love tonight. That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch. The Incess Bunch. Oh, I'm gonna love ya. Mommy and Daddy love ya.

Oh yeah, come here getting the sack. We're gonna keep nice and warm time. night oh yeah there you go i think i think we'll leave it right there nice and creepy and weird thinking about our families ooh uh oh wow uh anyways before we go let me hit hit you up with some some delicious uh announcements rog why don't we play some more of that christmas music just you know with the announcements just to give them a bit of that christmassy spirit it's the most time of a year. Yes, I love it.

That's perfect. That's perfect. Thank you, Roger. Okay. Now we can do some announcements. It is almost the end of the year. And if you want to have some Christmas laughter, some holiday merriment, then here's my last remaining stand-up comedy gigs.

I thought I was finished for December, but some great new offers came in, and I just couldn't say no. I will be in Orlando. Yes, Orlando, Florida at the Orlando Improv, December 8, 9, and 10. Okay, Orlando Improv, December 8, 9, and 10. And then the following weekend, I will be in Seattle, Washington, and Bellevue at the Parlor Live. Great Club, the Parlor Live. And that'll be December 14, 15, 16, Thursday through Saturday.

And then at the end of the year, and on into New Year's Eve, I'll be in Salt Lake City, Utah, or Utah, as they say it, December 29, 30, and 31. So going to be exciting. Make sure you check those comedy dates out. Tickets on sale at Harlanwilms.com. And while you're at Harlandwilliams.com, everybody, don't forget, you can write me there on the contact link. You can leave me a phone message. As you heard, we got some great phone messages today.

I might put your message on the show. 323-739-43-43-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3. And also don't forget to get our app for your telephone, your cell phone, free app. Just go to your app store. Type in the Harland Highway podcast. Boom, you got it. You get the 50 latest episodes for, free and if you want the whole complete library of the harland highway almost a thousand episodes guess what

twenty dollars if you break that down it's probably like half a cent per episode it's such a steal and hours and hours of entertainment for you to laugh listen and enjoy uh might even be a good christmas gift you know get some of the uh the harland highway uh premium package for $20, and basically you're saying to someone you love, hey, how would you like hours and like hundreds of hours of comedy and madness? I mean, you got to figure each podcast is a minimum of half an hour. You do the math times a thousand. That's like nine years worth of entertainment for $20?

Who does that? I do, that too. So think about that, joining the premium membership. You can do that at Harlan Williams.com when you click on the podcast link. And, you know, you're in, baby. And also I do special bonus little things for my premium members from time to time. So we got that going.

Also, if you're a fan of puppy dog pals, Don't forget to pick up your puppy dog pals merchandise for Christmas. I mean, this stuff is people are loving it. Someone just sent me a Twitter picture. This blew my mind. Some woman had a birthday party for her five-year-old, and she made a birthday cake and cupcakes out of all the characters on the show. And I was like, that is just so cool, man.

So people are loving it. You can get puppy dog pals merchandise at the Disney store.com, Target.com, Amazon.com, Toyser us.com, Walmart.com. I mean, they, and if you don't want to shop online, you can go to those physical stores and pick up some great. They have pajamas and slippers and dollhouses and walking and talking toys and action figures and books and water mugs. And oh, my goodness, it's really incredible. So great fun toys for the kitties this year. So I hope you pick up some puppy dog pals merch and enjoy, baby. I think that's it for now.

That's all the time we have for today. Thank you for listening. Tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway. And happy holidays to everybody. And until next time, chicken. Show me, baby? Yeah, well, that sounds like an asshole of the ocean to me, for Christ's sake.