The Harland Highway - 921 - Xmas ghost's GEORGE MICHAEL and MICHAEL JACKSON visit show.

Episode Date: December 12, 2017

Xmas ghost's GEORGE MICHAEL and MICHAEL JACKSON visit show. Also CRAZY news story about the DEAD! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ho, ho, ho! Harland Highway. Yes, this is the Harland Highway. It's Christmas time. The holidays are here. And welcome. I'm Harlan Williams, your little Christmas podcast, Alf. And what a show we have today? Today's show revolves around the Christmas spirit and Christmas events. And apparently, I don't know if you know that movie, A Christmas Carol, where Ebenezer Scrooge was visited by 3rd. Ghosts, but I'm being told by Roger that we're going to be talking about a Christmas carol and that cool movie. So I don't know what that's all about. Should be interesting. Should be fun. We're going to have some Christmas carols. We're also going to be taking a call from one of the pavement powders. A very unusual call. And also towards the end of the show, oh my God, a very, very creepy, creepy. Crazy news story. I mean, this one might take the cake.

This one is very, very peculiar. So what? Oh, Roger's telling me, what, what it's, we're getting visited by some ghosts on today's podcast? I don't know what that means, Roger. Roger says we're getting visited by ghosts. I have no idea what that means. I guess we'll find out, hang on.

Here we go over to put your Christmas hats on. This is the Harland Highway. Put on your seatbelt. It's about to get bumpy. Oh, how perfectly awful. I get my kids above the waistline, sunshine. When will they take the bandages off? We don't know who we are.

We don't know where we are. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Let us out of here. Please! Let me tell you, you're starting something here that that's what you should be frightened of. Oh, fuck yeah, bud. Just leave us alone. Sit down, strap in, and shut up.

What's going on? What's the matter? I thought maybe if I could kill him, I could make him stop. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me. He's a friend. Who are we? This is the Harland Highway. What? It's the Harlan Highway. It's a copbook.

Ah! Have a jolly Digg Jolly New You know it I don't know I don't know if there'll be snow

but have a cup of cheer Have a holly jolly Christmas Christmas and in case you didn't hear oh damn just that music damn just it just just just stirs the soul don't it I wonder if people from other fates are moved by the Christmas carols I wonder if if people of the Jewish persuasion the Muslim persuasion the the the Hindi persuasion, the whatever religion or faith you may be, I wonder if the traditional Christmas carols stir your soul and emote feelings of happiness and good cheer and all that fun stuff that I feel and many, many, many people feel.

There's just some magic about Christmas Carol. they just they just put you in a good mood they they just they're just so you know that could be a question of the day I guess if you're of a of a different faith than Christianity Catholicism uh let us know I'd like to hear I have a sneaky feeling it has the same effect on everybody I can't imagine there's somebody uh you know a Jewish person or a Muslim person and they're like oh god turn that crap

off it depresses me that stuff so annoying shut it down horrible music I don't know just occurred to me I thought you know maybe people don't like

the old the old Christmas carols I sure hope you do you know I think like a catchy song is a catchy song But, as I said, it's deeper than that with Christmas carols. With Christmas carols, it wells up inside you, these feelings of good, good tide, and good joy and mirth and merriment and giving.

And I don't know, it's just wonderful. It's just magical. So there you go. And speaking of Christmas carols, one of my favorite movies is a Christmas carol. that old, the old black and white Christmas carol movie with Alistair Sims. And there's that great scene where, you know, Ebenezer Scrooge has been a bad man. He's been greedy and selfish and mean and cruel. And all of a sudden he gets visited by his old workmate Jacob Marlowe or Jacob Marley or whatever his name is.

and Jacob Marlowe warns him that he's going to be visited by three ghosts, Christmas ghosts. And he better be ready because each ghost is going to reveal something to him.

Each ghost is going to visit and give him a message or say something. In fact, you know what, Raj? Can we queue up that moment? Yeah. Okay, good.

Raj gave me the thumbs up. I'm going to cue up the moment where Ebenezer Scrooge is confronted by the ghost of his business partner. And Jacob Marley warns Ebenezer of what's to come. Hit it, Raj. Hear me. My time is nearly gone. I come tonight to warn you that you have yet a chance. and hope of escaping my fate, a chance and hope of my procuring Ebenezer.

Thank you, Jacob. You're always a good friend of mine. You will be visited by three spirits. What? I think I'd rather not. Without their visits, you cannot hope to shun the path I tread. Expect the first when the bell tolls one. Oh, wow. That's always so creepy, you know, just the idea of a ghost visiting and telling me that there were more spirits coming, that were three spirits that were coming. I mean, what's that all about? Why, why would they do that? Can you imagine if that ever happened to you? What? Who's there? Holland. I am the ghost of the Holland Highway,

and you will be visited by three ghosts on this Christmas. Three ghosts will visit you and mess up your podcast, Holland Williams. for I am the ghost of the harlot my way What do you mean three ghosts? Who the hell are you? How the hell did you get in here? And what's with your breath?

It smells like you've been dead for 90 years. Hear me, Harlem Williams. Your podcasts will be plagued by three ghosts. What are you talking about? But you must know, here is the first ghost of the Harland Highway. No, I don't want a ghost. Stop it. Oh, come on, no.

Not George Michael. Come on, no. Hello, Harlem. Oh, my God. Is this who I think it is? It's George Michael, Arlen. Oh, my God, are you, have you been into the eggnog, George? It's George, Michael.

It's not George. It's George Michael is two words together, okay? Oh, my God, are you hammered? What you want me to do are, and I'm a ghost, and I live up in heaven now, and my address is one, two, three, four, heaven's door. One, two, three, four heaven's door. Yeah, that's why. I'm a ghost, darling. I know you're a... What do you want from me? Why are you coming to me on this Christmas?

Well, as you know, Christmas time, the time for Christmas carol. And I wrote a Christmas carol once, Oh, good Lord, you're slurring your words. I have not. Good Lord, George. It's George Michael, and if you don't say it right, I'm going to wrap me plums, and I think you know what my Christmas plums are. Are you talking about your testicles?

That's right. I'm going to wrap me plums in nice, shiny Christmas wrapping, and put them under the tree, and I hope you unwrap them, and they squirt in your face. What do you mean squirt in my face? I don't know. I'm just imagining my Christmas plums squirting in your face, Arland. Look, Christmas testicles don't squirt. You know, like, when you dig up an oyster on the beach and it squirts out you. They don't squirt. What do you want?

I was singing you my Christmas carol. I know your Christmas, Carol. I know last Christmas I gave you my heart. La, la, la, la. Yeah, well, this year, because in the terrestrial world, when I used to walk the Earth, Ireland. Okay. You used to make fun of me on your podcast,

and so it's time for a little payback, eh? What do you mean? I did not make fun of you. used to call me all the time and at the time you were drunk as you are now and the other half the time you had these ridiculous ideas

Oh, why don't you go put a sock in your mouth and fucking put Queen Elizabeth's foot in it eh? What do you want, George? It's Judge fucking Michael right now. If you don't get it right, I'm going

to put a fucking cork board on your face and put a 700 fucking thumbtacks right through your fucking forehead, right? Stop being an angry drunk. What is with this Christmas carol? Well, I wanted to sing it to you know, last Christmas, I gave you me heart the very next day. You gave it a while.

I know, stop hiccuping. God. I know your song, okay? Yeah, but now this time, because you such a son of a bitch, Ireland, I'm going to change the words on it a little bit, ain't I? What do you mean, ain't I? Ain't I going to change the words a little bit this time, this Christmas holiday? Listen, George Michael's ghost. Oh, you got my own name right. Well, somebody and them a dillip.

and tell him to shove it where the sun don't shine, fucking sideways, right? Get on with it. What the hell do you want, Ghost? Well, I'm going to sing me song, but I'm changing it up for you. Well, hurry up and sing your Christmas Carol. God. Last Christmas, I gave you my fart. What the hell was that? You see, Arlen, just like I said it would be, I changed it up this Christmas. What do you mean you changed it up?

Well, instead of last Christmas I gave me my heart, this time I bent all the way over, tied me fucking shoes and gave you me fucking fart, didn't I, Arlen. That is disgusting. Last Christmas you gave me your fart. That's right, and the very next day, I took it away. You are sick, bro. Let's create you smith. I gave you my fart.

Cut it out with the fart sounds. Stop it! I gave you me fart. Cut it out! like that then, eh? How about this one, Ireland? I don't want any more of your farts. How about this from the George Michael of the Christmas past ghost, eh? That's Christmas, I gave you my silent fart.

What the hell was that? That was a silent Christmas fart, Ireland. A silent Christmas fart. Yeah, listen What the hell is wrong with you? Let's get it. I gave you me silent Christmas fart

Listen to that one all It's a nice long one Sounds like it's coming out of an ice cave In the North Pole You are a silent fart coming out of an ice cave in the North Pole. That's right, and I'm a fucking Christmas ghost, and you can't fucking stop it, Ireland. I'll stop it, all right. I'm hanging up, you freak.

You know, hanging out on me, I got some more Christmas farts for you, bitch. What did you call me? A big fat, fucking Christmas fruit cake, bitch, big arch. All right, goodbye, ghost of George Michael Pass. Get out of here. Gave you me for. God! What the?

Roger? That was the most degrading, ridiculous, insulting Christmas. Oh, God. Roger, can we? That was disturbing on. so many levels. First of all, the fact that it was a ghost, and now I'm here and I got to, I got to deal with two more ghosts? Good God. That was like 300 ghosts right there. Can we just

take a real phone call, please? Instead of getting phone calls from the nether world. Can we take a call from a pavement pounder? Thank you. God. Hello? Hello? Hello, Mr. Williams. We were in class of Beverly Hills High School in environmental science, and we just wanted to know some things about your first name. Why does it have a D at the end? Okay, valid question, I guess. I love it that a teacher's calling me from Beverly Hills at the Environmental Studies class. I guess I'm part of the environment, right? I guess if I'm on planet Earth, I qualify as part of the environment. I guess I'm part of the curriculum. There's no reason why I shouldn't be.

And the fact that I am a topic of subject at the high school is a bit mystifying. But I love it. I love it that that's something you find important. And I love it that at the end of the call, you could hear the kids laughing. but since you asked the D at the end of my name stands for a dragon because when I fight I'm like a dragon it stands for dashing

because when I put on a tuxedo I'm dashing it stands for dumbass because I'm not the smartest bulb on the Christmas tree it stands for Dalmatian because I have some freckles I won't say where It stands for doorknob Because that's what I am sometimes It stands for delicious

Because if you've ever seen me modeling I am quite delicious Debenair Dopey Dingle Ball And it just goes on and on and on The reason there's a D at the end of my name Is so that you can make it whatever you want And I think I know where you're going with it

Because many people with the name Harland It ends with the end up H-A-N, H-A-R-L-A-N, but I've got the D, H-R-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-A. And so I'm going to leave it open-ended for you and your students. Maybe you can do an assignment with your students where every student in your classroom, who I heard giggling, I know they're there, I heard you, kids. You're on my do list. And that starts with D, do-list.

It should be to-do list, but it doesn't end with T, so I got to say, list. Your class assignment is each and every one of you have to come up with a single word that begins with D to describe Harland and any of you that replicate or duplicate in the classroom, you're disqualified. So it's a bit of a game. See, I'm turning it back around on you, class. It's a bit of a game. So now you have to get creative. You have to, uh, think deeply. And you have to come up with words that start with D that mean the ending of my name. And you have to know what the word means. You can't just throw a word out there like Diplodon, which is a dinosaur, I believe. There's two Diplodon dinosaur.

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Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount. and a hundred percent free shipping code harland have fun don't throw your back out and you have to go through the whole class and anyone who uses the same word is disqualified and whoever is left

standing at the end is the winner of the harland game so that's why there's a d at the end of my name so that i can provide entertaining educational and insightful games to the Beverly Hills curriculum. See? It's a learning tool. And yet somehow I think you knew that, professor or teacher. And that's why you tricked your kids and placed this phone call thinking it would just be fun, thinking it would elicit some giggles,

thinking it would be like a sort of a prank call. But I see what you did. You disguised it. You wrapped the little, phone call into entertainment but really it's a it's a it's a it's a it's a it's a class assignment it has to do with letters and words and writing and imagination and and and thinking and so there you go that's why there's a D in my name don't you just love it thank you for calling kids I can't wait to hear who wins the contest please phone me back

and let me know who won the letter D contest. And we look forward to that. Yes. Hold on. There's someone at the door? Roger, who's at the door? I'm doing the show. This better not be another one of those ghosts.

Roger, who we... Oh, my God. What the hell are you doing here, Jacko? Hi. Special. Oh, no, come on. You're dead. Yes, I know, but it's Christmas time, so I came back.

Why would you come back for Christmas time? Because it's special. Because it's special. That's right. Christmas, Christmas is always so very, very special. Yeah, come on, man. What did I do to deserve this? Because you're special. I know, I'm special.

Great. Thank you. So first I get George Michael, now I got you. George Michael's special? Yeah, you better believe he's special. He's extra special. Yeah, I know. What do you want?

What can I do for you? It's Christmas time. And I brought you a present. You brought me a present for Christmas. Yes, I did. Because guess what time of year it is? It's Christmas time. Yes, but what else?

What do you mean, what else? It's Christmas time. Yes, but what is Christmas? I don't know. It's special. Special, yes, of course. Thank you. All right, give me the present and we'll get it over with, okay?

I got a podcast to do, guy. Shouldn't you be like up in heaven moonwalking on a cloud or something? That's funny. Your jokes are special. Special, thank you. Can I have the present, please? There it is. It's special.

I know, you've said it a million times. It's special, I get it. It's Christmas special. I got it. It's Christmas special, thank you. Are you going to open it? You want me to open it right now? Yes, because I mailed it.

You mailed it? Yes, and guess how I mailed it. What do you mean, guess how you mailed it? Guess what kind of postal service I used to mail your present. I don't know, first class? No. I don't know, Jacko. Special delivery.

Special delivery, of course. Special. I got it. Delivery. Special delivery. Special. Special. Delivery.

Give me the present. Go ahead and open it. Okay. Let me open it. See what it is. Okay. It's special. Of course it is.

Okay, I'm opening it and... Chee-hee! Wow! What the hell was that? It's a special present. What was that sound? It was a... Chee-hees.

A chee-he. Yeah, that's the noise I make when I grab my crotch and thrust my pelvis. Chee-hee! Chee! That's the pre- you wrapped me a chee-hee. Yes. Do it again.

No, I don't want to do it again. Do it again. Ugh. Chee! Chee-hee! How do you even do that? How do you wrap a chee-he? Because I'm a ghost.

I'm a special Christmas ghost. You're a special Christmas... And somehow you've... raft a sound. It's not just any sound. No, it's not. It's a special sound. It's a special sound. The sound I make, yes, when I grab my special area. Oh God, your special area, huh? Yeah, do it again. I don't want to do it again. It's not nice to play with your presents. Oh, God. Shee! She! She! Shee-hee! Shee!

There, you happy? No, do it again. Shee! Shee! Oh, enough! That was fun. It wasn't really fun for me. Was it special?

No. It was annoying, creepy, you're a ghost, you wrapped, a noise you make when you grab your crotch, She-he? Yes, chee-he. Do it again. No.

I'll stay here and haunt you all day if you don't do it again. Oh, God. Shee! Chee-hee! Oh, get out of here! Okay, I'm gonna moonwack back up the stairway to heaven and enjoy Christmas with all the other ghosts. It'll be the most special time of year.

Yes, it's the most special happiest time of year. He-he-he-he-he. What? I just giggle because you're cute. Okay, can you go now, Michael? I guess so. Okay. It's the most happiest time.

Of the year? No, it's the most special, special, this time of the year. Okay, Merry Christmas, Michael. Thanks for visiting. Do it once more. I will not do it once more. Open your present once more. Shee!

Shee! Goodbye, Michael. Goodbye. I'm Milwaukee. out of here. Chee. Chee. Chee. Chee. Cheese. Cheese. That's me. Chee. Merry Christmas. Cheese. You know what, Roger? This is beyond ridiculous. Okay. I'm not going to have my show held hostage to a bunch of creepy Christmas ghosts.

Okay? just it ain't going to happen man i'm i'm real sorry but it ain't i can't continue the show because i don't want i don't know who the third ghost is i don't want the third ghost so let's do one more segment and then i'm i'm we're bailing out of the show i'm done it's too much for me bro good lord the harland highway Crazy news stories. That's weird. Wow.

That's strange stuff. Okay. Let's end the show on something that's not so annoying. But speaking of ghosts and dead things, since that seems to be the running theme in my show here today, good Lord. Let's do this crazy news story that fits right in. Yikes. All right, here we go.

Here's the crazy news story headline. Connecticut man had sex with girlfriend's corpse in hope of reviving her, police say. Okay? So I think that fits right in with this whole dead people thing going on. Here's the story. A Connecticut man was sentenced to a year in prison this week after telling authorities he had sex with his dead girlfriend's corpse. Aaron Gasser, 39, told police in January he decided to have sex with his girlfriend an attempt to wake her up after finding her unresponsive with heroin needles in her lap.

Gasser said he thought having sex with the body might revive her because his girlfriend hated sleeping with him. According to an arrest warrant, and this was in the paper. What the hell is this guy? No mouth-to-mouth resuscitation for this guy. No punching her in the heart. No defibrillators. Nope, let's take the clothes off. Let's get erect.

And let's, pardon my French, fucker to life. You've heard the saying fucker to death. Well, how about fucker to life? Yeah, this guy thought a good old roll in the hay, a good old bang, a good old plowin, would bring his lovely little lady back. And who doesn't want to have sex not only with a corpse? That's not enough.

Don't we all want a corpse with heroin needles in its lap? That's what, I mean, you know, you just aren't going to have sex with a plain old corpse. You need the acriments. You need the accents. It's like the parsley. on the stake. Oh, yeah.

So this guy went right from CPR to sexual intercourse from CPR to S-I. The report states Gasser also tied the victim's ankles and wrist to the bedpost because it was a fetish

of his, according to the paper. That wasn't his only fetish, believe me. I mean, I got a question here, and you don't have to be a genius or a dummy to figure this out, okay? When you tie someone to a bedpost, their legs, their ankles, their wrists, aren't you really doing it to inhibit their movement? Isn't the whole fetish the thing that you kind of contain the willing partner?

That you're restraining them? That's the rush, that's the sexual high That you have the ultimate power over them Because they're tied up And I'm talking about willing, like S&M type Kinky couples Right? It's so they can't really move

Unless they have like the safe word or whatever Now, when you're deceased When your body no longer has blood And brainwaves and heart heartbeats there ain't much chance of movement here dummy okay you don't really need to tie up someone who's incapable of any movement whatsoever did you think maybe you know you were so good in bed you might pleasure to the point where she she might get fidgety she might kick you by accident she's dead bro

You tied down a dead woman and had sex with a dead tied up woman, bro. That ain't a fetish, bro. That's like dementia. Here's some more of this story. If you didn't think it could get any weirder, after he finished, Gasser. I love that name Gasser. He sure did gasser. Gasser put the victim's pants back on and,

called a neighbor who just happened to be a former paramedic, according to the paper. So here was someone with life-saving abilities, right next door, someone who had a certificate in first aid, in life-saving, and administering CPR, in reviving possibly the dead. And this guy thought, you know, before I go get the crucial help my girlfriend needs, right next door, I better just see if I can save my neighbor the trouble and see if I can fuck my girl to life first. It's the least I can do. I owe it to my girlfriend to put it in her and see if that, you know, wakes her up. Oh my God. The lady next door believed the body had

been dead for a few hours and an autopsy later confirmed that the woman was in fact dead when gasser had sex with her he pleaded guilty to fourth degree sexual assault of a corpse wow i mean talk about uh taking your time and you know there was no there's no rushing through that sexual encounter was there yeah listen baby i you know i'm you know i want this to last a long time so Well, you know, I'm going to just stop here for a few minutes, okay. I'm going to have a cigarette. I'm going to go make an omelet. Okay.

I'm probably going to watch Judge Judy. Maybe a nature show, okay. Now I'm going to come back, and we're going to do round two, baby. And just to make sure you don't go anywhere, you sexy little minks. I'm going to tie you up, okay? I'm going to tie you to the bed because I don't want you sneaking out on your old man. You know, I might go down and do some Christmas shopping. You're not going anywhere, are you?

You're not in any rush, because, you know, this, you know, I've always wanted a nice, really long sexual encounter. You know, you know me, usually I'm good for like three or four minutes, and then pop goes the weasel ride. But, you know, why don't we just stretch this one out a day, maybe two, you know? See how it goes. Try something new. Baby? Honey? Baby?

No, I get it. You're so excited. You can't even respond. I understand. Well, listen, I'm going to go catch a movie. Okay? I'm going to go, you know what? I think I've always wanted to go to, you know, Bermuda. I think I'll take a little vacation and come back and we'll finish up. Okay.

Good Lord, man. So there you go. In keeping with the dead theme that this show turned into. Aaron Gasser. Have fun spending Christmas in jail, and I hope they have lots of soap so you can wash off your man parts. Yikes.

Wow, I think we better end it right there. Yikes. Christmas just got a little naughty, a little dirty. Yow. Oh, ha, ha, ha. All right, now that's it for today. A bit of a weird, Christmas show, but

Roger, can we just bring in that Christmas music under the end here just to kind of bring it back to cheery time, please? Can we do that? Oh, yes, yes, that's much better. Thank you, Roger. First of all, happy holiday. I don't think I even said this show yet, but

happy holidays, everybody. This is our second last show before Christmas, I guess. Right? Let me just double check that yeah we got uh well we got we got two more we got next week and then the following one comes right on christmas day so that's cool um happy holidays merry christmas to each and every one of you thanks for calling in those of you that called in if you want to call the uh the show let me give you

the phone number here it's three two three seven three nine four three zero You can call and leave a voicemail if you want to. If you want to say something Christmassy, you can. Always nice to hear from the pavement pounders when they're in a Christmas frame of mind. Also, you can write me at harloughwilliams.com. That's always doable. And then what else can you do?

You can visit our store if you want some Christmas gifts. You can visit our store at harland williams.com. We'll send you out some merch for Christmas, although it's getting late. We might only be able to get your order in within the next few days in order to get it to you on time. So check out the store at Harlem Williams.com. Go to your store and give yourself a present at your app store on your phone and get the free Harland Highway app. You can listen to the show wherever you go,

wherever you may be. And if you want to hear every single show we've ever done, give yourself another present $20 for a premium membership, and you can listen to every episode, almost 1,000 episodes of the Harlan Highway. Lord. So check that out. And there it is, the music's ending.

so I guess we got to end. Yeah, thanks for being here, everybody. Thanks for watching Puppie Dog Pals. We did the Christmas episode came out last week, and we had a Hanukkah episode. The Puppie Dog Pals went on a Hanukkah adventure, a Christmas adventure. Just great stuff. So look for that on Disney Jr., puppy dog Pals.

A lot of great puppy dog Pals merchandise available. If you have kids at Target or Target, or Toyser Us.com or the Disney store.com. Just type in puppy dog pals and you are off and running. That's it, everybody. Thank you for being here today. As I said, happy, happy holidays. Hope you're having a great one.

And until next time, chicken, show me, baby.