The Harland Highway - 922 - XMAS songs and letters. Parades! And a call from Major TOM DOWDY

Episode Date: December 18, 2017

Major Tom Dowdy from the U.S. Military calls in, drunk! Xmas songs, letters and calls. Carols from Harland and friends. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ring jingling, ring jingling, podcast will sing. I'd rather you, yeah, you probably would rather write and didn't sing. Well, too bad because it's Christmas and I am going to sing, okay? And at the end of today's show, as I do many a year at Christmas, I sing a Christmas carol for you, okay? I'm singing a Christmas carol for you at the end of the show, whether you like it or not. So there you go. Also, Rudy Kassoni will be here to sing one of his Christmas carols. He's kind of the bad boy Frank Sinatra.

He'll be singing a carol that we do every year. We got a call from, we got calls and letters from some of you pavement pounders regarding Christmas time. Yes, yes, yes. And also, I'm going to be reporting to you about a Christmas parade I went to recently. It was a little bit of the yin and the yang. It was very Christmassy. But there was something about the parade that was a little bit ominous, a little bit off, and maybe a sign of the times that we live in.

I'm going to discuss. Also, we have a call coming in from someone who wants to talk Christmas on the show. I guess it's a mystery guest. I don't know who it is. I really do, but I'm not telling. But either way, we're going to have a great Christmas time. Happy holidays, everybody. this is the Harland Highway

Put on your seatbelt It's about to get bumpy Oh, how perfectly awful I get my kids above the waistline Sunshine When will they take the bandages off? We don't know who we are We don't know where we are

You're riding down the Harland Highway Let us out of here please let me tell you you're starting something here that that's what you should be frightened of oh fuck yeah but just leave us alone sit down strap in and shut up what's going on what's the matter i thought maybe if i could kill him i could make him stop my mother never breastfed me she told me she liked me he's a friend who are we this is the harland highway what it's the Harlan Highway. It's a cookbook!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, it's Christmas time, boys and girls. It's that time a year where we spend time with our family and our friends. With great magical memories and wonderful family time stories. Yes, nothing. Nothing brings the family together more than Christmas.

Yes, that's right. So I asked you guys, you know, if you wanted to call in and share some of your fun, festive, joyous Christmas stories with myself and the rest of you. And, yes, we got a wonderful phone call from one of the pavement pounders. and he decided to share a wonderful Christmas story with that. So why don't we open the show with a wonderful heartwarming family Christmas story? Hey, Harlan. I was just calling to give you my Christmas story. When I was like five years old, we were celebrating Christmas,

and it was Christmas Eve. and we were over at my grandmother's sister's house and she called all the kids into a back room and she started telling us all these stories about my grandfather and she was pretty much talking crap about them and she started getting angry and she reached into her purse and she produced a pistol

and she showed us kids and she said you know if my grandfather ever showed his face around she would shoot them and uh you know we all got kind of freaked out and uh at that point some parent came into the room and i think all her with the pistol in her hand like told everybody to to leave the room and uh now you know as i'm adult everybody uh folks about it every christmas about how crazy aunt jane has produced the pistol and she she was like had was good she was getting like dementia or something she had been an alcoholic for a long time so i don't know that year was the year had a happy christmas wow wow not not just an ant with dementia and alcoholism

but an ant with dementia alcoholism and a loaded gun for the kids in the back room don't you know can you imagine if santa had landed on the roof with the eight reindeer and poor and crazy heard the the ruckus on the roof and just started firing oh oh my god well hey great great story thank you if anyone else wants to share a fun family christmas story those are always great to hear thank you so much that's that's the beauty of family man you just don't know what the heck you're going to get right uh you can always uh leave me a voicemail at 323 739 4 330 we have one week left and if you have a good christmas story we might be able to play it right on christmas day because uh the next podcast lands right on christmas day so uh thanks for calling and uh let's keep

Moving on here, Raj. What else we got? What? Oh, cool. Okay, well, as well as getting phone calls from you guys, we also get emails and tweets from you guys, you pavement pounders, your sexy beasts. And do we want to open the mailbag for just a couple of Christmas-type? Yeah, okay, we're going to open the Harland Highway mailbag and read a couple of your super-duper. write-ins. Go for it, Roj.

Letters. Oh, we get letters. We get your letters every day. Mailman, mailman, mail today. Reach right in and pull one out. Those letters. I love those letters. Let's find out what you've got to say.

Oh, boy. Mailman. Oh, yes, here we go. Let's see what we got here. We're the only show on the airwaves that gets emails that actually sound like crinkling paper. I don't know why. I guess we're either really advanced or we're really behind the times. So either way, at least you know they're legitimate letters.

So here's one from a gentleman named Lentz, Lentz Smith. He goes, hello, Harlan, just wanted to thank you for bringing back the ghost of George fucking Michael on your most recent podcast. I miss hearing him, don't we all? Poor George Michael. He always gives me a chuckle. Sorry, but I can't stand boy George character. I hate to break it to you, buddy, but they're not that too far apart. I don't know. I actually think I might be blending the two together a little bit at this point. But, you know, hey, everyone has their preferences. Lance says, boy, George is okay, but he's no George fucking Michael.

Hope you don't mind the constructive criticism. Not at all, man. Are you kidding? I love constructive criticism player. I mean, that's what helps me fine-tune the thing. And I just like to hear what's on your mind. Lance also says I also thought the ghost of Michael Jackson

was funny too He's special L-O-L P-S why don't you ever come to Dallas Fort Worth area to do stand-up I would love to see you live on stage Just saying bro Chicken Chau-Main baby

Lance Guess from where Fort Worth Texas Hello Well Lance I've been to Fort Worth many times to the Dallas improv. They have an improv there. I think it's just on the outskirts of Dallas. Technically, it's under some other name, but it's the Dallas Improv. And I've been there a lot.

I guess I haven't been there in about two years, but I'll tell you what, man. I go there a lot. So if you want to find out if I'm there, keep your eyes on my website. And just because you mention it, I'm going to drop the name Dallas. in my agent's ear because we're just starting to fill up my 2018 calendar for stand-up comedy and I will mention Dallas Fort Worth. That's a good call, man. It'd be great to get back out there again. Thank you for your letter, Lance, wonderful Christmas letter, and we'll keep the boys and the Georges and the Michaels coming for you. Trust me. What else do we got, right? We got a tweet. Okay, let's read a...

tweet here. This tweet, and you can tweet me at at Harlan Williams if you're on Twitter. This gentleman Jeffrey Jackson. Aha. Another Jackson. Special! Yeah, not Michael Jackson. Special? But Jeffrey Jackson. Special. Jeffrey Jackson says, how about some Rudy Cassoni for the next holiday episode? Was really happy to have discovered him thanks to you last year.

Well, there you go. Yes, Rudy Kassoni is a character that a good friend of mine, Toby Huss, who's an actor. We did a movie together years ago called Down Periscope, a submarine movie where Toby played an electrician, and I played a sonar man on the submarine, and we've been friends ever since. and Toby does this kind of Frank Sinatra character, but he's very blue and kind of edgy and rude and aggressive and politically incorrect. And we wouldn't want him any other way.

So I tell Toby every year that I play some of his Christmas album called Snowballs. Rudy Casoni Snowballs. You can find it on iTunes and on the Internet. And every year I play one of my favorite songs from Rudy Casoni just to get us in the Christmas spirit. It's called Snowballs, and Rod, I say we just play it right now for Jeffrey Jackson and for everyone listening. Merry Christmas.

Here it is, Rudy Kassoni, Snowballs. Yeah, it was this time of year. About a year ago, I think, around the holiday seasons that I was at home waiting for the old lady to get back. She'd been gone a couple weeks you see. So I had a couple dozen hot toddies or so waiting for there. Huh. Finally the door opens up. Rudy!

Hey, baby, it's been a while. Take off the dress. She don't. She gives me the stink eye. Where's the tree? What do you mean? What tree? It's Christmas Eve, Kazoni.

Oh. Yeah, I thought it was June. She says, that's it. That's it, Rudy. I'm leaving you. I've had enough. I can't stick no more. I found another guy.

I'm gone. Hold on, baby. What do you mean on Christmas Eve? You're leaving me? You found another guy? Who is this Joe? What's he got that I don't got? Well, he's really cute

Baby, it's me, it's Rudy He's got a shortbread suit I know I ain't no beauty But if you squint your eyes When the lights are low You got one swell-looking skinny day go Kids love him to boo Was this more than a date?

He's got a sack a looom No, you little ain't great Well, yesterday you're my lips smacker Now you're a sugar plum nut cracker I did not forget Christmas No, I hunt some mistletoe in my pants Packer up There's snowballs

Like mine And there's snowballs like the ones you're leaving behind You're gonna miss my back, spackling crackling hot You'll log Wax nostalgic for my steamy holiday nogs He's jolly and pet Yeah, who is this pet? Teets are rosy and red

Oh, I should have guessed Don't hit your ass on the way out the dough You ho-ho snow-blowing, ho-ho-ho Oh, Merry Christmas, Rudy Blow it out your dingle. Don't go getting snooie. Oh, so you bag that cringle. So long, but don't forget, my dear.

Old Facts home comes but once a year. There's snowfalls. Who live up in the cold? I like these. I love his big North Pole. They jingle, jingle, jangle, jangle down below my knees. You're going to miss roasting my chestnuts. Oh, yes, ma'am.

Good luck without my pink honey glazing. Holiday ham. There's snowballs like my... There's snowballs like these twins you're leaving behind. And there's snowballs... Snowballs! Hey, look out, baby it is! There's snowballs!

Snowballs! And there's snowballs like those nutty, knocked out nuts, oh cuckoo stones, you're leaving behind. Miss, Santa Claus. Thanks for nothing. P.S. Could you possibly bring me a new bra? Or, if not,

I don't know, toss a couple of drunk elves in my bed or something. A couple of your little helpers. They help you? They can help me, pal. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes?

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Code Harland Have fun Don't throw your back out There he is My buddy Toby Huss My favorite line Blow it out your dingle Blow it out your dangle

I often text that line Toby in the middle of the year It doesn't even have to be Christmas I'll just, I'll just, I'll just text them and just say, blow it out your tingle. I love it. Oh, thanks to Toby. Great song. And thank you for requesting it.

We play it every year. I think every single year the podcast has been on, we've played snowballs. So I hope you guys enjoy it. I hope it makes you feel at home and Christmassy. And great, great, great fun. Fun, catchy, Christmassy tune. I love it. Now, speaking of Christmassy, ay, aye, aye, this was kind of bizarre, man. This is a real story.

Okay, so this weekend that just happened, I was up in Seattle, Washington, doing stand-up comedy, one of my last shows of the year. And just outside of downtown Seattle, there's another area called Bellevue. And this is like kind of an upper crust, rich area. It's like Bill Gates country, Microsoft country, a lot of money, mostly from what I can see is, you know, white people, very white urban, nice malls with expensive stores. And I guess the next race there would be Asian. And then I didn't see a lot of African Americans or Latinos, but that's just the way it is. I mean, it doesn't mean they're bad people.

there are places in America where certain towns and cities have a certain type of racial population. It could be all black, it could be all white, it could be all Latino, or it could be predominantly one and a little bit of the other,

which was this in this case. Look at these politically correct times we live in. It's like, I just realized in the middle of that spiel I'm quantifying, I'm having to explain myself lest someone get offended and take what I'm saying the wrong way because I said there was a town with a lot of white people. I mean, good Lord, we're so inundated with everybody being so sensitive and pulling a fit.

And it was a town where mostly white people live, okay? Whoopi-do. You don't need an explanation or an apology or therapy. It just is. They're great people. They're good people. They're wonderful. Everyone that lives there is wonderful.

That wasn't the point of my story. but now I got derailed. Oh, we're living in some crazy times. And on that note, before I get back to the Christmas thing, are we just afraid to say anything now? You know, kind of feeding off of what I just said about, you know, suddenly getting paranoid about mentioning a town at a certain racial count.

I read a thing this week where Taylor Swift, everyone knows Taylor Swift. Swift, okay, she put a tweet out saying that she had a great year. She said, oh, 2017's almost gone. What a great year I had. And what a great year, 2017. And looking forward to the next one. You know, as far as I can see, a positive upbeat thing to say, a positive year for her. And all of a sudden, she got attacked all over Twitter. All these people going, oh, yeah, real great year, people were shot. There was a social uprising.

There was chemical attacks in Syria, the Vegas shooting, this and that, and drive-by shootings and gangs. And I'm like, Jesus, guys, Taylor Swift is not commenting on what a great year it was for society. She was saying, hey, I had a great year. I had a wonderful year, and she was sharing her happiness with us. And part of having a great year is that she released music. I don't personally love it, but she released music that brought joy to millions and millions of people around the planet. What have you done, you complainers?

What kind of joy have you brought to people? I mean, here's a woman who's worked really, really hard to be successful. And she's celebrating her success and saying, hey, what a great year. I'm blessed. I'm so lucky. She wasn't gloating. She wasn't flaunting it. She wasn't rubbing it in your faces.

And she certainly wasn't comparing her great year to the tragedies that happened all over the world. But here's where we're going with this Twitter crap and with this social media crap. It's like no one can say anything anymore without getting jumped on, man. I'll tell you, all you haters, all you people just love. looking to lamb-based someone. You're going to chase everyone off of social media, man. I'm telling you, people are social media, Twitter and Facebook and all, Instagram, all these things were created so that human beings could connect and share

and share their thoughts and share their opinions and communicate and celebrate each other and be artistic and be creative. And guess what? Every time someone tries to do something, and I'm not talking about people that put negative mean things on the Internet, but anyone who's trying to say something innocent or nice or fun, they're just like, they just get assaulted. You're going to scare so many people off of social media

that instead of people sharing, people are getting terrified, people are climbing into their holes. They don't want to say anything. They don't want to voice an opinion. They don't want to, they can't say something as simple as, wow, what a great year 2017 was. I had a great year. Good lords. Settle down, everybody.

But I guess now going back to my Christmas story, which is indicative of the changing kind of a weird negative world. And I hate to bring this up at Christmas, but it's something I saw and I have to report it. I was in this town called Bellevue. And the upside was there's a small little downtown area where all the malls and the restaurants and the cheesecake factory and the, you know, all this stuff is kind of in a couple of square blocks. It's not a huge city or town, but it's big enough and there's enough money going around because it's Microsoft that they have all the all the kind of, you know, P.F. Changs and the McCormick and Schmitz and the AMC movie theater and all that stuff, right? And so I guess the guy that owns all this real estate out of his own pocket, he throws up, I think they called it the Snowflake Prade or the Snowball Prade or something. And every single night from Thanksgiving to Christmas, this guy puts up a parade. Yeah.

It's like kids and, you know, it lasts for about an hour. and there's elves marching and ice queens and clowns and they're playing Christmas carols and they shoot fake snow out of the cannons and it was like the streets just filled up with people and children and can you believe can you imagine how much it cost this guy to every night put on a Christmas parade

with a whole bunch of people so it was pretty cool It was pretty impressive, but here's where it got weird. Well, I was standing there watching Elfs march up the street with their little curly shoes and their pointy ears. Walking on the sidelines where all the people were were police with machine guns. Yeah, machine guns, gang. I mean, I went to Santa Claus parades when I was a little boy, and I never saw me know me. machine gun so it was a little off-putting i have to say it was like it was like the the innocence of

christmas and snow princesses and elves and frosty the snowman up against you know officer coleman with an oozy with the the glowing yellow uh flack vest and i'm not kidding like these guys had full-on machine guns in their hands not hanging but in the their arms, like, ready to go if someone tried to take out some of the elves, you know? Aye, aye, aye. So it's, uh, we are living in some very, uh, interesting times right now, gang. And, uh, you know, between the, the, the tenseness on the street and the tenseness on the internet, it's, it's, how do we get it all back to the age of innocence? How do we get it all back to

where people could just mingle and dingle and jingle and not be worried about being attacked physically or verbally. Oh, my goodness. Well, I guess that's the importance of this time of year, the Christmas time of year, is, you know, maybe this is the time of year where we can kind of tone it down, be forgiving, be more gracious and more, you know, accepting of each other.

other all the all the things and the beautiful things that christmas tends to offer and represent maybe we can absorb those a little more as the world seems to be getting more tightly and tightly wound my goodness i have to do a whole show about the effects of the internet on on society you know what we won't do that today although i did kind of touch on it a little there but let's save that heavy stuff for another show. This is the holidays, man. This is Christmas, and I still haven't done all my shopping yet. Oh, my goodness.

And I actually kind of guiltily ate one of my presents already. Yeah, my wonderful sister Teresa, who lives up in Toronto, Toronto, Canada. There's a candy store up there called Laura Seekard. and it's the only place I've ever seen where they make green chocolate. It's actually a green chocolate bar with, you know, milk chocolate in the middle. So imagine how mint it is, but the whole outside of the chocolate bar is green. You ever seen a white chocolate bar? Well, it's not white.

It's green. And every year, God bless my sister, she sends me my favorite chocolate bars, the frosted mint, Laura Seacord green chocolate bars. Of course, only I would love green chocolate bars. It's like I'm eating a Shrek turd or something, you know, but they're delicious. And so she sent down a little package in the mail, and I opened the package that was, you know, just covered in brown paper to go through the mail, and I guess my sister didn't wrap the presents inside in Christmas wrap.

I think she expected me to maybe just put like a, what looked like a mail, package under the tree and I'm like no no no things have to be wrapped and so I didn't realize it till after I opened it and there they were it's like a Christmas store is like oh boy there they were the Floris Seacord French mint green chocolate bars I couldn't resist I was in all my glory I had to have them I had to feel their minty coolness surging through my nasal cavities you'll take an eye out kid uh so anyhow i uh i ate them i ate them like in a weekend there was only two but still i piged out on them you're supposed to wait till christmas i i never like to do anything with my gifts before christmas but i did um so guilty guilty is charged but uh what

who's calling in oh but someone wants to talk about all this christmas stuff oh good i love Christmas callers. Okay. Well, let's put them through. It sounds like Rogers is signaling me. We've got someone calling in and wants to talk about Christmas. So this is very cool. Put them through, Roger. Uh, hello, welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. Hello? Hello, you're calling the Harland Highway podcast. It's Christmas. We're doing, a Christmas call? Hello. Hello, civilian.

Hello? You wrote me. Hello, civilian. Wait, is this who I think it is? Dingo. You are a girl, civilian. You are a go. Is this Commander, Colonel, Lieutenant, French First Officer,

Brigadier French lieutenant Tom Dowdy? Big Bill, you are a go, civilian, you are a go. What do you mean? I'm a go, sir. You are clear to converse,

civilian. You are clear. You are 100% clear to converse. Go ahead, civilian. Yes, sir. Well, thank you for calling on Christmas. Um, oh my gosh, exciting. I'm, I didn't expect it to be

you, but this, this is wonderful. Yeah. It's a real fucking blast, isn't it, civilian? Sir? Ring dingling. Ring tingling. Fuck it.

Sir? Whoa. Have you been drinking, sir? I've been listening to your podcast with all this Merry Christmas. Christmas bullshit. Sir? Yeah, where I came from. We called it Charlie Christmas. Charlie, sir?

That's the name we gave the Vietnam soldiers. You mean Vietnam soldiers, sir? That's what I said, sir. It sounded like you said Vietnam soldiers? I said Vietnam. No. You want to make something out of it, Civilian? Sir, have you been drinking a little bit? It sounds like... Yeah, maybe I have. You got a problem, civilian.

No, sir, but it's just... It's a cheery time of year. Cheery time of year, yeah. Charlie Christmas. Yeah, I know you say Merry Christmas, but I say Charlie Christmas, Civilian. Why Charlie Christmas, sir? Because me and my platoon, I spent nine Christmases in the jungles of Bian, Vienfou, and Papagora. I spent one Christmas in powwow and one Christmas in Nijia Oma Kowahua. Nija Koma, Awawawa? Big Go civilian.

Wow. So you spend your Christmases embedded in the jungles of Vietnam and in the, the, Pacific Theater? That is correct. And if you want to know what hell on earth is, you spend a Christmas Eve huddled up

in a fucking fire ant-nest trembling, fucking lemon juice, squirting down your face. Anteater shoving a long black velvety tongues up your nostrils looking for nature's bounty.

And you got a Christmas in hell, civilian. Oh, my God. Well, listen, Commander, Lieutenant, French officer, Corporal Dowdy. We all admire and respect and are grateful, especially this time here for your service to our country, to the military. I mean, it must have been hard. Hard doesn't even begin to describe it. You know what we had to do in that jungle just to feel alive, just to keep our brains moving. Just to keep ourselves from being eaten alive by Black Widow spiders, pit vipers, red scorpions, and fucking North Korean $3 fucking waffle fish. Sir, what? You heard me so, William.

Sir, I don't know. Did you guys sing carols? Wrong. You know what we did? No, sir, I don't know what you did. We shot things. You shot things, sir? Yeah. We shot puppies.

We sang Christmas carols. And we shot puppies. Sir, you shot puppies and sang Christmas carols. Yeah, we had to do something to keep our focus. We had to do something. Something to make sure we felt alive. Sir, you've been drinking a little here. I don't know that we want to be talking about Christmas carols.

And what is that noise? I got me a whole litter right here in my basement. What do you? You've got litter? I said I've got a whole litter here in the basement. Are those dogs, sir? It's a litter of puppy, civilian. A litter of puppies, civilians.

Where did you get a litter of puppies? That's for me to know. And you to find out that's classified U.S. government. Military information. Here's the way we play it's a billion. You sit there with your mouth hanging open and your Sunday school little boy haircut. And I fucking ask the questions.

You sit there with your little. blue eyes looking at the world to the frosty glasses of a fucking $9 $9 pine cone salesman and I control the questions. Sir, a $9 pine cone salesman? All right, laugh it up, civilian, but I'm about to start singing Christmas carols. And guess what? What, sir? Some fucking puppies are going to die.

What? Puppies are going to die. Sir, are you okay? I'm reliving. I'm reliving my Christmas deep in the Pienn-Bent food jungles of Vietnam, civilian. Sir, don't do anything silly. Those dogs sound a little skittish. They better be. They're about to go to Christmas hell, civilian.

Sir, what are you doing? Here's how it works I sing a Christmas carol And at the end Well At the end it doesn't go well For the puppy Sir, did you just cock a weapon

Yeah Now if you don't mind I'm gonna sing me a Christmas carol Sir, please don't Silent Sir? Sir? Don't do this.

Oh, is... Sir? Oh, is bright. Whoa! Sir! What was that? Oh, my God. What did you do?

You ready for the next Christmas girl, civilian? Sir, did you just shoot a puppy at the end of silent night? Well, look at you. Someone just got their diploma in Yen Jiu, the Innam, Jungle Academy. Demia, you son of a salt lick fucking Chinese roasted fucking hot dog on a stick. Dildo blasting fucking Nigerian wagweed. Sir, I'm not a wagweed. What did, what are you saying?

Oh, Steve, the snowman. Sir, not another one. It was a very happy song. Oh, sir! Stop! Stop shooting puppies! I know you went through a lot of trauma in the jungle, okay? We all sympathize with your plight, with the psychological stress put on you and your platoon,

but please, sir, no more Christmas carols and shooting puppies. Can you just stop that, please? Do you hear what are you? Sir? Do you hear what I hear? Sir, no. A puppy, a puppy crying in the night. Don't do it, sir!

The face as splattered as a fucking... Oh, whoa, whoa, so! Oh, my God! Merry Christmas, surrealia. Sir, don't hang up. You need some help. Where can we reach you? Merry Christmas, Sutherland.

Merry Christmas from the deepest, darkest pits of Vietnam hell. Sir, you need some help. Stop drinking. Leave the puppies alone. Have a holy jolly Christmas. Sir, no. It's the best time of the year. Don't please, sir!

Oh, my golly of a holly jolly, Dalmatian puppy this year! Don't do it, don't do it, don't! Oh, my God! Go fuck yourself on Santa's broomstick, civilian. Fuck it. Whoa! What, go for you? Fuck yourself on Santa's broom.

What? Roger, track that guy down. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is one of the most traumatizing... Roger, we got to find them. Oh, my God. Go to a commercial.

We got to call the police or some. Go to a commercial. Oh, the puppies. The poor puppies! Friends, here's a wonderful Christmas gift for anyone who smokes. because it says, Merry Christmas and Happy Smoking, 200 times. Yes, 10 packs of those better-tasting Lucky's, all done up for Christmas in a beautiful carton,

created just for Lucky Strike by the famous designer, Mr. Raymond Lowy. It looks so bright and colorful under your Christmas tree, and it's such a welcome gift to anyone who enjoys a good smoke. Because you know, smoking enjoyment is all a matter of taste, and the fact of the matter is, Lucky's taste better, cleaner, fresher, smoother. That's why you can't go wrong if you remember your friends with these colorful Christmas cartons of Lucky Strike.

Do do, do, do, be happy, go lucky for Christmas gifts this year. Yes, nothing says, I love you more than a carton of Christmas cigarettes. Yee. All right, well, apologies for that last call. We did not know that Lieutenant Colonel Tom Dowdy, French officer, was going to be calling in. We certainly didn't know he was drunk, and we did not know he had a bag of puppies or whatever he had in his basement or wherever the hell he was. And we do not condone or support that kind of horrible cruelty to animals, but look, this guy, look, the guy was in the jungle for a couple of decades or something.

He's been in every war arena there is, and he's suffering some issues that are beyond our control. So we wish him well. Oh, we pray for those poor lost puppies and yai, yai, yai. You know what, Roger? Let's close the show with something more positive and upbeat, something that we can all enjoy that's Christmassy. Every year I sing.

Yeah, I go out on a limb and I sing for all my followers and listeners and pavement pounders. I'm not the best singer in the world, but I try. At least it's heartfelt. So here we go. Let's cue up a Christmas carol, Raj. And I'm going to sing a wonderful Christmas carol from the heart to you, the pavement pounders,

just as a way to say thank you and wish you the best. And I think it's a more upbeat way to end the show than somebody shooting puppies. and singing drunk Christmas carols. So here we go. What song do we have, Raj? You're going to surprise me? Okay, cue it up.

Merry Christmas, everybody. We're going to end the show with this, and I won't do any announcements at the end. Let me just mention that if you're looking for something to do New Year's Eve, I'm going to be in Salt Lake City, Utah, doing stand-up comedy at Wise Guys. So that's from the 29th of December, right through to New Year's Eve. And it's going to be a blast.

Great time, great comedy, and a great way to bring in the new year laughing. So here we go. Roger has a Christmas carol queued up. This is from me to you. We'll end the show after the carol. So until next time, everybody, chicken chameen, baby. Hit it, Roger. Okay.

Not sure which one this is. Hold on. Sounds Christmassy. Oh, wait a minute. I think I know this one. This is a good one. Here we go, everyone. Merry Christmas. Slave bells ring. Are you listening? In the lane, snow is glisting. A beautiful sight. We're happy tonight.

Walking in a winter wonderland. Gone away is the bluebird. Here to stay is the new bird. He sings a love song as we go along, walking in a winter wonderland. In the matter we can build a snowman and pretend that he's harsh brown. You'll say, are you married?

We'll say no man. But you can do the job when you're in town Later on we'll conspire As we dream by the fire To face I afraid the plans that we've made Walking in a winter underland Ha ha ha ha Hey everybody, this is Harlow Williams

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, whatever you celebrate I want to wish you and your all the best, have a fun, happy, healthy, and joyous holiday, and of course, a happy new year. In the better we can build a snowman and pretend that he's a circus clown. We'll have lots of fun with Mr. Snowman until the other bastards knock him down. When it snows, ain't it thrilling to your nose? gets a chilling We'll frolic and play

The Eskimo Way Walking in a winter wonderland Yes we will To face unupfraid The plans that we've made Walking in a winter Wonderland There it is

Happy holidays everyone Merry Christmas Thank you.