The Harland Highway - 927 - Harland's NEW comedy album. Crazy WAFFLE story. Harland sings.

Episode Date: January 22, 2018

Harland plays a few clips from his NEW stand up comedy album. CRAZY news story. Harland sings a song. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Uh, hey man, this is like Harlan Williams, dude. Like, what's up, Brosef? What's up, Brosh? Uh, hey, everybody, this is Harlem Williams. You are rolling down the Harland Highway. And I want to welcome you. We have a great show for you today. I'll be your host, as always, as if it would be anybody else. Is there anyone else named Harland? I don't know. Uh, but speaking of names, we're going to be talking about names. We got a call from a pavement pounder who has a very unusual yet cool nickname. So we're going to get into that with the phone caller. Also, some very cool news about a new product I have,

a new comedy album. I'm going to talk about that off the top of the show. And I'm really excited about it. Something you can purchase and enjoy. And it's really awesome. So I'll let you know about that in a minute here. And then a crazy news story, man. Oh, my God.

This one is, it involves a drunk guy. It involves waffles. It involves, it's sleeping. It involves, it's just, it made me laugh. It's hilarious, hilarious crazy news story. And then at the end of the show, I'm going to play one of my songs. Me and my cousin Kevin from the bare naked ladies have a band called The Cousins. And I've found one of our oldie but goody songs going to play it for you.

So let's go. This is the Harland Highway. Put on your seatbelt. It's about to get bumpy. Oh, how perfectly awful. I get my kids above the waistline, sunshine. I know they take the bandages off. We don't know who we are.

We don't know where we are. You're riding down the heart. Harland Highway. Let us out of here! Please! Let me tell you, you're starting something here that that's what you should be frightened of. Oh, fuck yeah, bud.

Just leave us alone. Sit down, strap in, and shut up. What's going on? What's the matter? I thought maybe if I could kill him, I could make him stop. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. Who are we? This is the Harland Highway.

What? It's the Harland Highway. It's... It's a cookbook. Oh, yay. Oh, yay. So I wanted to start the year off with some new product for you guys. You know, for ye old pavement pounders.

And when I say new product, I mean, you know, something to make you laugh. I know the podcast is free, unless you're a premium member. But the podcast is totally free. But I wanted to hit you up with something that's really a passion of mine, a big part of my life, been a whole part of my career, is my stand-up comedy act. And for those of you have seen me live, you know that a lot of my act involves me interacting with the crowd. I obviously have my preset act and jokes that I've written and all that stuff. but I love to go off, off the book, so they say, and just spritz.

I love to ask people what they do and where they're from and wherever the storyline may lead me, whatever the audience gives me, I try to just go along with it and improvise. And it really, it's a blast. The audience loves it. I love it. It's sometimes it's painful because it doesn't work, and I just eat it. big time. And then other times it's just like, uh, it just flies. It just everything clicks and and, and the thing I love about it, man, it just puts me on the spot. I kind of set myself up.

You know, I ask these questions of people. And I know the only way out of it is to come up with something funny in the moment. And so my brain just, I'm just alive up on stage. And my brain just sometimes it takes over for me, and it finds things in a split second that before I went up there, I didn't even know existed. Now, that being said, sometimes it doesn't work at all, like I mentioned, and sometimes it really clicks. So what I'm talking about is my new digital download album. It's called Crowd Control 4, and it's my fourth volume of this, and it's just a collection of all the best moments.

there's a few, maybe a few bad ones, but I try to put most of the best moments of me work on the crowd. That's why it's called crowd control. And I tape it right there. I put my recorder on the stool at the club, so it's got a real, like, real live club feel. I don't use, like, high-end, like, recording equipment. I just kind of keep it really organic and real,

so it feels like you're right there in the club with me. I don't want it to sound too, produced. You know what I mean? So I just kind of keep it raw and real and it feels like you're sitting there in the crowd. And that's why I call it crowd control. And so what I'm getting at here is that my new crowd control, crowd control 4 is now out. I just released it. This is the first you're hearing about it. And it's only $3 because I don't want to live in a world where people get overcharged for stop and charge 15 or $20 for my an album like I want you guys to go out and get it and not feel like ouch that that's a commitment like just three dollars that helps

cover my costs and the album's almost an hour long and it's just uh it's just to me it's the purest form of comedy because it happens in the moment you can't script it you can't write it It just has to happen. And so I'm going to give you a little taste of it right here, and then we'll come back on the other side. This is just a quick little maybe 30-second, 40-second clip of an interaction that happened at one of the clubs. Have a listen. You got it, baby.

You got a sexy voice, man. What's your name? Mimi. Neamy. Oh, that's kind of. selfish I got a Chinese you want to be it?

So there it is. There's just a little sample of of, you know, what happens. And the other thing that's kind of dangerous about, about, you know, crowd control is that sometimes your brain gets at your your mouth gets ahead of your brain or vice versa and and you know you're up there trying to survive when you're a stand-up comic and you're up there alone with a spotlight on you and there's 400 or 2,000 people in front of you

waiting for you to be funny um hello does does the word pressure ring a bell so sometimes you have such a hair trigger reaction sometimes you'll say things that might not be polite sometimes they may be blue they may be weird they may be bizarre they may be sometimes you just you just go with with the first damn thing that pops into your head and you don't you don't necessarily have time to filter it or think about it and that's what I love about it because sometimes I just after I say something even in my head I'm like wow where did that come from man So anyways, what I want to do is encourage you guys to get the album. It's at harlandwilliams.com, okay?

And you go right on the homepage of my website and you'll see a brand new button for it, Crowd Control 4, and there's a purchase button, and it couldn't be easier. It just goes right through to a menu that asks you if you want to use PayPal or you want to use your credit card, and you just type in your info, you hit click, and they send the digital download right to your email.

And it says, what email do you want this to go to? You put in your credit card info, and like 10 seconds later, it's right there in your email box. And you can download it onto your computer. You can listen to it in iTunes, whatever format you want to listen to it. So it's super easy. It's super cheap, and I'm hoping you'll just love it and have a lot of laughs.

So before I stop talking, I want to play you one more segment that's on it. Now, this is a little longer, and this is more of a bit. And the premium members got to hear this a few weeks ago, okay? The premium members were ahead of the curve on this because they're premium members. So that's the benefit of being a premium member. But this is a clip where it's not so much crowdwork, but it's a bit that I made up right in the moment. I really hadn't pre-planned it that much

I was doing some shows in Portland, Oregon where there's a lot of bridges and I kind of just opened my show and I started rambling about bridges and I didn't really have this material worked out it's the same kind of technique where I started with the word bridges and then I kind of like I said

I'm panicking, I'm drowning I'm like oh my God I set up this premise where does it go? How do I get out of it? I've got to be funny in front of these people. And so this kind of meandering bridge bit just kind of turned into something that ended up being kind of funny, but I just kind of made it up in the moment. So it's probably the only bit that's not as much dealing with the audience, but the whole rest of the album is just me going one-on-one with the audience. So I hope you enjoy it. I hope you pick up Crowd Control 4.

And I'm really proud to bring it to you guys, and I hope it brings you a lot of laughs. And for $3, I hope it's in your price range. Okay, so here's the last bit from Crowd Control 4, and then we'll move on into the rest of the show. Here's me doing some funky stuff about bridges. I don't like violence. I don't get to know of violence.

You look like you might like to kill the... I... I don't do drive-bys with guns. I don't like to kill, but I do like to poison. And I like to carry a blow dart with me. And if I see someone walking down the street, I'm in an Uber or something, I just, you know, crack the window like that. You know, I'm going to stick my truck.

Take out a homeless guy. Right? Yeah, fucking ooh, that's right. But I'm like, you know, I do the math, like, that guy that's not a home. That guy is nowhere to go to, so... Okay, if we get a laugh. You're on a date, let's say.

You got a lady that's a little too chatty. likes to use the words a lot, huh? Well really, that's got a new truck, huh? Who likes their drive-thru for free? That's right, you order at the little fucking speaker to drive around just as she hands you the bag. There's a fucking face. And if you're lucky, the drive-toe freak has fucking zicks, and a poison-toed blowdarker's right in one of their fucking zips,

not only do you knock them out stone-cold poison, but you get to pop the pusser. Okay, I got the note from the left. I was on a bridge today, bro. It's unavoidable. This town's crawling in a fucking brick. Right? I'm on a bridge.

I'm walking across. I see a pigeon go under a bridge. This thing could fly anywhere on planet Earth. They could land on a beach in Tahiti. Order a fucking Pino-Colada and get covered in level four fucking sunblock, right? This pigeon goes under a bridge. I go unacceptable.

I crawl under the bridge. Risk my own life. life. You're right underneath and the fucking metal girders come eye to eye with this pigeon and I go, you're a fucking asshole. I back up and went off my way. I don't know. I have to tell it. I have to tell it. I saw a guy standing on the bridge. There was a guy, a lowly guy.

We all get desolate. We all get lowly. There's probably many here tonight that came here as a last resort before suicide. Many of you, I can feel it. Many of you are probably like, you know what, I wouldn't fucking end it. Yeah, I know it is sad. That's why I'm a little talking about it, man. My comedy is real.

But many of you in this crowd, most of you see it further the back, lurking in the shadows, I count chocolate's heart bubbles. And you're like, maybe I'll give it one last shot before I say, bye-bye. Maybe I'll have a few giggles, a few chuckles before I fucking end my life. The suicidal town, we don't know it. Why are you here to have a giggle. I think they built these bridges just for cars? No.

They built these bridges to call the herd. They did it by design. Right then, you know what I'm telling. I see every acting harshly. You know someone who's jumped off the bridge, I can tell. You do, don't you? It's okay. We're all dealing with your pain.

But here's what I did, gang. You're going to like me for this. I know this was hard to hear, but you're going to like me for this. I'm walking over to the club tonight. See a guy standing on the bridge, and I approached him very gingerly. Walked up and I said, it's not worth it, bro. Death isn't the answer. I said, you could jump off here into that river and land on a fish and kill him.

I said, I like fish, bro. Would you mind walking over there and jumping in front of that bus? He's gone, but I saved the fish. She goes. So there you go. Crowd Control for $3 at Harlandwilliams. I hope you dig it. All right, Raj.

Let's move on, buddy. Do we have any voicemails we can listen to? Okay, cool. Let's switch gears and let's go right to a pavement-pounder voicemail from the Harland Highway hotline. Player, Rodge. Hello? Hello?

Hey, Harlan. I am responding to your question of the day about people mispronounced your name or hearing it wrong, whatever. My name is Abbott and rhymes with Rabbit, Shmabit, whatever you want to call it. But if I had a nickel for every time that I meet a new person and they mispronounce my name, I'd be a trillionaire. I don't even know how to go with that. But anyway, no, I've gotten everything from Habib to Rabid to Rabbit.

So I literally have adopted the name Mr. Rabbit. I'm just a rabid that he's carrots. Forget my given name Abbott, I'm just rabbit. So, yeah, believe me, I feel your pain, buddy. Thanks. Chicken, chow me. Chick-a-ch-ch-ch-a. What's up, Doc?

You know what? I kind of like the rabbit one, man. You know, I can detect from your voice that it's been a kind of a source of aggravation, but it's kind of cool because, you know, when it comes to girls, You know, girls love fluffy little rabbits. So when you say, yeah, just call me rabbit, you know. I mean, that's like girls love fluffy little rabbits. And I don't know if you know this, bro.

And this is like, you know, this might be a little more kinky, but I've heard from many women that the vibrator of choice for women is called the rabbit. Yeah. And this is just something I've heard over the years from a lot of women, and many women have a vibrator. And I hear that the quote unquote rabbit is the one. So you've got like a double, uh, double headed advantage pardon the pun with the ladies with the nickname rabbit, man. Like first it's cute and second, it probably reminds them of being pleasureed. And then, you know, as far as, like, being a macho dude and having the name rabbit, I think, you know, I think if you got a tattoo of a, of a rabbit, you know, like, you ever see that cool tattoo of the woodpecker with the cigar in his mouth?

You know, I think it's like a racing decal or something. But I think if you got a cool tattoo of like a, like a kind of a buff rabbit with a, a, shit-eating grin and a cigar in his mouth and maybe like flexing a bicep and a little sailor's hat on or something something like kind of grungy and tough like it's i don't know it's i think it's kind of cool hey everybody who wants to have better sex no yes yes the answer is yes you always want to have better sex that's what you you want it to be better not worse trust me and adam and eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy.

They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free. shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or

anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And I can just hear it, right? You're right, yo, rabbit, you want to go catch, you want to go hit a movie? You want to go, let's go grab a beer rabbit, you know? It's kind of fun. I mean, if your nickname was hedgehog or sloth or something like that, I don't know. No unicorn. That's a little iffy. You know, I don't know if you want your buddies calling you

duck bill platypus, but rabbits kind of, you know, mind you a Bugs Bunny, it's, mind you Roger Rabbit, it's, I don't know, I think there's something cool about that. It's kind of like, it's kind of fun. So that's my two cents worth, bro. Um, I say, uh, use it. Um, um, you know, go with it. Be a, be a rabbit. Man up and be a rabbit, damn it. What's up, Doc? The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird.

That's strange stuff. I make you're crazy. Okay. Here it is. Crazy news story. I love this one. This one made me laugh. Check out.

Here's our crazy news story headline, all right? Waffle House customer in South Carolina. Carolina, cooks his own Texas bacon cheese steak melt as employee sleeps. For those of you, they don't know what a waffle house is. They're like little truck stop diner type places dotted around the USA. They're basically like a counter and a couple of little booths, and they pretty much only serve breakfast. Waffles, bacon and eggs, raisin bread.

grits. I love them. I go to them. Whenever I'm around one, I pull it and go to one. They're small. They're intimate. They just have one clear little menu. And it's awesome.

So here's the story. What to do when you have the late night munchies go to a Waffle House, of course. Yeah, because they're open 24 hours, right? What do you do when the late night Waffle House staffers are a slothal. sleep. Cook your own meal, of course. Yep, that's what happened when South Carolina and Alex Bowen ventured out in West Columbia at about 3 a.m. on a recent night, and the culinary adventure has garnered him a job offer from the beloved chain. Oh, my God. And just to prove to you that I go to Waffle House, okay, this ambiance you're hearing in the background,

I actually recorded this on my cell phone at a Waffle House in Florida. So this is actual legitimate Waffle House background noise. So I sat in this Waffle House and had a Waffle. So this story is really legit. Okay, let's keep going here. The 36-year-old told a local TV station that he waited for 10 minutes at the register in the empty eatery at first noticing a worker

sleeping in a booth quote I walked back outside to look for employees bow and said no one in sight he then quote walked back in and waited a few more minutes and then it was go time he told the station

as I was going around the corner I saw the sleeping employee and they looked tired they were sleeping gee good of you to do the math there they looked tired they were sleeping i was like go ahead and rest fam i got this bowen said oh there's me in the background listen i was you could hear me talking to someone there for a second i can't believe i'm interrupting my own bit because i'm getting interrupted by my by myself but that was me talking to the to the cashier or the weight the

waitress, I guess. This is getting too real. Maybe it was me, okay? Maybe it was me that cooked my own meal. No. Okay, so let's keep going here because this is fun. The Army vet, okay, he's an Army vet, so we've got to give him a little latitude here. The Army vet later posted selfies on Facebook of himself behind the counter.

They quickly went viral, quote, got hot on the grill. with a double Texas bacon cheese steak melt with extra pickles. Quote, when I was done, I cleaned the grill, collected my ill-gotten sandwich, and rolled on out. Oh, this guy's hilarious. Quote, I expected I would share it on Facebook. A couple of my friends would see it, like it, comment on it, and it would pass into history as most things I have done.

So this guy now is a floor. installer and he admits he was a little tipsy during the escapade. Quote, he says, I give all the credit to my friend Vodka, Bowen said. I wouldn't normally have done that. Later in the day he returned to pay for the sandwich and a Waffle House spokeperson said the sleeping employee was suspended for a week. A statement from the Waffle House said, our local division manager has spoken to Alex and apologized for safety reasons our customers

should never have to go behind the counter rather they should get a quality experience delivered by a friendly associate the waffle house also offered him a job so you got to love America man you know they could have like taken him to court they could They could have, you know, charge him with trespassing and, you know, who knows what else. And they offer him a job. In a related note, obviously, Alex has some cooking spills and we like to talk to him about a job since we may have something for him, says Waffle House. Yeah, I think they might have something for him because one of their employees just got their ass can for sleeping.

So there you go, man. That story just cracked me up. Waffle house guy goes and cooks his own meal while the staff is passed out. And it's a good, you know, the good news is, you know, it could have been someone who was dishonest. It could have been someone, oh, everyone's asleep. Screw the waffle. I'm going to get me a cash register full of money. How about I make me a $20 bill waffle right there?

How about a $10 pile of $10 bill flapjack right there? So at least this guy was honest and all he wanted was to get his eat on, right? So there you go. I just hope next time I go to like a fancy steakhouse, the staff is asleep. And I can like whip myself up like some lobster and a nice big fat sirloin and, you know, just do it up large, man. that's what I want. If they offer me a job, I'll say, hey, no thanks. I'm full.

I need to go home and sleep it off. Harle and Iway, crazy news story. Thank you. All right. That was, oh, that one warmed me heart. Me sweet Irish heart, it did. I'm going to end the show today with a little song. Every now and then I like to hit you guys up with a song.

For those of you that may or may not know, my beloved cousin, Kevin, is in a little band we call the Bare Naked Ladies, very talented lad. And he and I make music together. We do little songs together. And I was rummaging around through my files the other day. And I found an oldie but goody that he and I had done. And it's kind of a catchy little thing. It's kind of like a poppy little love song. And I thought it would be a fun way to end the show, go out on a little toe tapping, right?

And then on the other side of the song, we'll do some announcements. But for those of you that like this song, I want to hear more of our music and our latest round of songs that we just did last year in 2017, we have a new album out called Rattles, snake love. And if you go into iTunes and just type in rattlesnake love or search around on the

internet, you can find our latest, I think we have about 10 new songs that we have in the Rattlesnake Love album. So check it out, but this one's just for fun. And this one's an oldie. It's not on the Rattlesnake Love album. It's an oldie, but goody. It's called Never Satisfied. It's just kind of about how us men and women when we fall in love or we meet someone or we just never seem to be satisfied. So here it is, the cousins never satisfied. things dying and I feel so sad and I've been crying because I'm losing the best love I ever had I tried to pull it together I tried to make you smile I lied to myself I'm just never satisfied I I'm never satisfied.

In my heart, throughout my heart, throughout my soul, the things are the things I said took their toll And there is no one else I'm always by myself I thought that you could be a part of me But I'm never satisfied I'm never satisfied I'm never satisfied

I'm never satisfied never satisfied this whole thing's dying I feel so sad I've been crying and crying and crying because losing a true love feels so bad I tried to be there forever I try to make you mind

I lie to myself Because I'm just never satisfied I've never satisfied I'm never satisfied Satisfy Satisfy Satisfy Satisfy for Satisfy

Satisfy Satisfied, satisfied, satisfied. Satisfied, satisfied, satisfied. Satisfied, satisfied. They're just never satisfied. I'm just never satisfied. I'm never satisfied. Oh, feels good to sing.

I wish I could sing more often. Just up in a tree, on a branch, beside the birds even. Just singing and twittering, like a little Blue Jay, even. Okay, that got weird. So there you go. A little blast from the past. Hope you enjoyed it. um let's uh let's get to some announcements some wonderful wonderful juicy delicious announcements

uh let's see what's going on here gang um let's uh let's get into my stand-up comedy special um don't have any uh gigs coming up in uh the rest of january or february at the moment but I do have a one-night gig in Oxnard, California. It's a weird one. It's a Wednesday night. It's March 7th at this great club in Oxnard, California. That's about an hour north of Los Angeles, right right by the ocean. It's called Levity Live, beautiful club in Oxnard, California.

Levity Live, one night only. Wednesday, March 7th. Flucky number seven. It's going to be a great job. I'm going to be doing stand-up comedy and improv comedy. So I'm going to be doing a little bit of sketch comedy with one of the other comedians and stand-up. So it's like a double blaster show, man. It's going to be really cool.

And I hope you can come out for that if you're in the vicinity. I might even sing. Never Satisfied. You know, maybe. If you're lucky, I'm just never satisfied. I'm never satisfied. Okay, enough.

So there's that. And then what else? What else can I tell you? Like I said, please pick up our music on Apple doc, the iTunes store. It's called Rattlesnake Love. We have some really cool songs on there. I think you'll like it.

We have kind of like a beach boy style song. We have like a slow love ballad. We have a song about kind of like the sad world of suicide. It's a little bit dark. We have a kind of sexy song called Rattlesnake Love is kind of like a sultry, bluesy kind of sexy song. I mean, we got a country song called Lemonade. I mean, there's all kinds of cool songs on Rattlesnake Love. So check it out.

You can go and preview all the songs on iTunes. And if you hear one, you kind of like, download it. Also, don't forget to download Crowd Control 4. That's on my website, harlandwilions.com. Right there on the homepage, only $3.3, you know, Hala. Right? You know that old saying. $3, you know Hala!

uh that's that's a good price right there so i hope it brings you lots of laughs three dollars worth of laughs minimum i think it'll bring you a lot more than three dollars worth but uh go get crowd control for also um you can write to me at harlan williams dot com while you're there uh we have a contact link you can send me an email or you can uh phone me and leave me a voicemail like uh like our little buddy the rabbit dead right the rabbit left me a voicemail at 323-739-4330, 323-3-3-739-43-3-30. Yes, indeed. Also, don't forget you can get our free app for your phone.

Yeah, man, just go into your app store, type in the Harland Highway podcast. Boom, absolutely free. You get the 50 latest episodes for free. No gimmicks, no hooks. And then if you want all the episodes, and we're approaching a thousand, which is a lot, more than most podcasts, it's only $20 a year. And you get bonus material, you get all the episodes we've ever made. It's a great deal, man. So please join up for $20 a year.

Thank you to all my premium members. The premium members actually just got a little bonus. they got to hear the new title sequence for the Harland Highway a few weeks before everyone else, about three weeks before everyone else did. These are just the little perks, things like that. And by the way, the new title sequence will be coming out. I'm going to do that the first week of February.

So say goodbye to the title sequence we have now on February 5th. which is the first February podcast, the new titles will air. They're always a lot of fun to make, man. I put a lot into those, and I hope you guys enjoy the title sequences I put together. And what else? What else can I tell you? Don't forget when you're at the harlandhighway.com site, we have a store, and I just loaded up the store with a bunch of my hand-drawn t-shirts.

Okay, these are t-shirts. that I laboriously toil over, but I enjoy doing. And I draw illustrations right out of my head right onto the cloth, right onto the fabric of the T-shirt with permanent markers. And they're one-of-a-kind. Nobody else has them in this crazy world where everyone's into brand names

and wearing the same clothes. And, you know, these shirts will definitely make you stand out because there is no duplicate. There is no replication. They are hand drawn right on the shirt itself. They take me a while to do, and they're really cool looking. They usually don't stay in the store very long.

Just be worn. So if you see one and you like it, grab it. They're a little more expensive than your normal shirt, but you've got to remember they're basically like living works of art. They're works of art that you can wear. around on your chest and nobody else will have one. And they fade slightly when you wash them, but that's kind of cool.

It gives them kind of that kind of lived-in look. It kind of fade, they fade in well to the shirt. I think it actually looks pretty cool once the colors settle down a little bit. But it will not go away. It's permanent. And they're really, really cool shirt. So check that out at harlomwilums.com. crowd control four all this stuff and uh i will keep you updated as more things come up so that's all we have

for today gang thank you for being here you're the best oh you're the best ever um and that's it we will uh catch you next time and until next time chicken chameen baby What's up, Doc?