The Harland Highway - 928 - lawsuit over HAWAII bomb scare. Harland takes a severed arm to the head.

Episode Date: January 29, 2018

A caller files a lawsuit over HAWAII bomb scare. Harland takes a severed arm to the head. Letters and calls from listeners. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, pavement pounders. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. Oh, yes, what a show we have today. Listen very carefully to the opening titles because it's the last time you're going to hear them. We'll get into that. We'll talk about that as we get into the podcast here. I'm Harlan Williams, your host on the Harland Highway,

and glad you're here. What an interesting show we have today. We're going to read some mail. We're going to take some phone calls. I'm going to tell you about some interesting new features for the Harland Highway. We're also going to be talking about the horrible fake missile launch alert that happened in Hawaii recently. In fact, Roger tells me we have someone calling in to the podcast today, and they're actually suing the American government and the state of Hawaii over the false missile warning.

Because apparently this gentleman acted out during the half hour where he thought he was going to die. And he's going to hold the state responsible for his misdeed. So we'll be talking to him. Also, North Korean news. We'll be talking, getting an update up from North Korea. And towards the end of the show, something very strange. Somebody stuck a severed arm in my ear. Yeah, I'm not even joking.

Get ready. This is the Harland Highway. Put on your seatbelt. It's about to get bumpy. Oh, how perfectly awful. I get my kids above the waistline, sunshine. When will they take the bandages off? We don't know who we are.

We don't know where we are. You're riding down the Harland Highway. Let us out of here! please let me tell you you're starting something here that that's what you should be frightened of oh fuck yeah but just leave us alone sit down strap in and shut up what's going on what's the matter i thought maybe if i could kill him i could make him stop my mother never breastfed me she told me she liked me he's a friend who are we this is the harland highway what it's the Harlan Highway.

It's a copbook. All right. Let's, uh, let's start the show. You can hear, this is one of my famous emails. I'm the only person on the planet that gets emails that somehow come out on paper. Uh, I want to read this letter from one of the pavement pounders because it's time sensitive.

as they say. It's pertinent. And I have to read this email before time expires. If you're wondering what I'm talking about, let me read it to you. And then you'll realize the urgency. This is an email written. You can write to me at harlandwilions.com, by the way. It's from Jay Clark.

Jay Clark. Jay writes to me and says, Hey, Harlan, wanted to wish you a happy New Year and thank you for all the content and joy you provide. Oh, you just warmed my heart. That's why I do it, man. Joy. I almost went into withdrawal when you were down in the fall. I know, man.

That was crazy. My whole system just died. It's like I'd been using the same computer and system for like six, seven years, and it just one day it just would. not go on and everything just stopped and I was like oh my god doesn't this computer know I have a podcast to do is it is it crazy so it was a bit of a mad scramble I had to update all my technology I had to update my programs I had to get familiar with everything I had to relearn some stuff so it was it was a bit of a panic situation and then in between that I was touring I was on the

I was working. I was so, oh, y'all, y'all. So that's, you know, I think we've been doing this for seven years or eight years, and that's the only time we've really been down for a long amount of time. So thank you for sticking with me. Let me continue your letter. Jay Clark says, I'm seeing if you can provide a breakdown of your theme song. I remember you did it a couple of cycles ago and regret not asking about the last.

Last one. There's Murray from one night in Bangkok, Rodney Dangerfield, the Canadian dude with the go-for-a-rip song. Is there some Gene Wilder in there? Knowing you, there's some Twilight Zone. Would love to hear you talk about it. Would also love to hear Dr. Ascot psychoanalyzed corporal major, Sergeant Lieutenant Tom Dowdy.

Oh, my God. That would probably end up with one of them dying. uh looking forward to all the crazy stuff you have in store for this year your bc bud j clark all right bc british clumbia canada uh great province love my love myself some bc thank you j um and let me uh let me break down the uh the title sequence for you because here's why it's time sensitive this is the last week of this title sequence. I put together a new one for 2018, and it's going to premiere on the next podcast,

which will be the first week of February, or February, or however the hell they spell it. February, Fubberuber, Ferby, Furby, Ferby-erby-erby, whatever. So, so today is the last, day, if you want to go back and re-listen to the title sequence, it is the last time you will hear this one, unless for some day I go retro and plug it in one day just for fun. But there is no Gene Wilder in this one, okay, in the current and last playing of the title sequence.

There's no Gene Wilder. there is the guys from Canada the taker for a rip song oh fuck yeah bud I just love that song so I just I just you know as a guy who's from BC Canada and as a guy who grew up

in Canada if you haven't heard the take her for a rip song man and you're Canadian yet you're not Canadian if you haven't listened to it I mean this song is just so it just drips of Canadian in like hoser dudes and it's just i just love it so that's why i wanted to put that in there uh many of the lines are from twilight zone you nailed it the uh the it's a cookbook line

and uh and um that's what you should be frightened of right there that's uh that's from the twilight zone um when the when the girl goes what that's from the twilight zone um you've you nailed it with the one night in bangkok that's a the song from the, I think, the late 70s or the early 80s. It's called One Night in Bangkok. I get my kicks above the waistline, Sunshine. I don't know. That always, like, stuck in my head and I liked it.

What else have we gotten there? There's a line where some guy yells, Just leave us alone. That's from a great movie called Network. Oh, my God. If you've never seen Network, man, it's really revel in today, actually. If you go back and look at Network, it's all about the media and the narrative of the media and what the media wants you to believe and the way the media manipulates and sometimes lies about things.

And it's a great movie with Faye Dunaway. And even though it's like an oldie, it's like a hard-hitting drama and some great, acting and just it's it's really a great great movie i think it won a ton of oscars back in the day uh so so uh just leave us alone is from the uh the movie network i can't recommend it enough you'll love the movie network and then lastly my beloved buddy rodney dangerfield i put him in there um uh my mother never breastfed me she said i just want to be friends all right you know like Rodney was an old buddy of mine. I did a movie with Rodney.

I was with Rodney in his final days, in his final hours. I was with Rodney in the hospital eight hours before he passed away. Rodney Dangerfield and just broke my heart. I remember leaving the hospital room in tears and crying. Rodney was not in good shape. And to see a man who brought so much joy and laughter laying. laying in a hospital bed. I'm able to really communicate very well at that point.

Just even talking about it, it makes me emotional. So I put Rodney in there just because I love them so much. And that's it. The rest of them are all like Twilight Zone lines because I love the Twilight Zone and the lines are always so dramatic. So there you go. Jay, there's your answer. and that one, good timing with your question because, as I said, today is the last day you're going to hear it. I'm retiring it, and next time you listen to the Harland Highway, you'll have an all-new, a completely new intro song.

And by the way, if you're a premium member, you heard the new intro song like a month ago. Because that's one of the perks of being a premium member. I put stuff up for the premium members before anyone else gets them. And for 20 bucks a year, you can become a premium member. Just go to the Harlandwiliams.com website and go on the podcast page, and you can become a premium member for 20 bucks. Not only do you get little perks like this, but you get every episode of the highway ever recorded.

Almost a thousand, thousand episodes. We're at number 928. Can you believe it? We're going to be on a thousand soon. So for 20 bucks, that's a pretty darn good deal. And so there you go. There's the story behind the intro. I hope you like the new intro, which will be premiering the next show.

And speaking of premium memberships, Raj, I think we got a voicemail from someone about the premium membership. Why don't we play that and then we'll jump into the rest of the show. Thanks for your letter, Jay. Have fun up there in BC, and keep on pounding the Harland Highway. Thanks, buddy. Hello. Hello.

Hey, Harland. Aren't we supposed to, like, renew the premium podcast deal or something? Or is there some fatal flaw in the app that just, once you're in, you're in? something like that. Anyway, yeah, I need to get some sort of notice on renewal so I can lose them bitch about not having enough premium podcast episodes. Anyway, thanks. Bye. Oh, my gosh. All right. So, you know, sometimes you just got to give props where props are due. Brian, who, I know him by name because Brian has been a fan of the podcast, probably from right near the beginning.

I'd say he's one of the top fans of the podcast and been a great supporter of my endeavors, my stand-up comedy, and the podcast. Brian has showed up at many of my stand-up shows and sat right in the front row. and what a generous, nice man. I want to say thank you to Brian for being such a dedicated and supportive, a wonderful fan of me and the show and all the things that I do. And to show his true colors,

Brian has been a premium member, and I guess he just kind of uncovered one of the flaws of the premium membership. is, you know, I kind of did a one-time only, you pay your 20 bucks and you're good to go. You know, a lot of these podcasts, you have a renewal every year. You get it for a year, and then there's an automatic renewal service, and you pay another 20 bucks. And so Brian, who's always looking for ways to support the podcast, which I truly appreciate. Thank you so much, Brian.

he clearly kind of exposed a flaw and also kind of exposed an area where more income could be generated to help support the show. He didn't have to do that. He could have just been like, oh, boy, I paid once and I listened for the rest of my life and I'm not going to say anything. But from the goodness of his heart, Brian wanted to make sure

that I was somehow being rewarded or compensated for what I do, which is not necessary, by the way. I've always maintained I do this for the love of it. And after eight years and almost a thousand episodes, I think my point is proven. But that being said, if ever there is a little way to make money or a little way to throw some finances towards the podcast, which, you know, isn't cheap.

Like I said earlier, my whole system crash. and it wasn't cheap to kind of get all the new stuff up and running again. But that's just part of, you know, what it takes. And so I can tell that Brian in his subtle or not so subtle way is saying, hey, man, I want to support you. I want to, you know, can I pay 20 bucks a year? And that goes into the coffer and it helps cover the expenses. Well, Brian, that's very honorable and noble and generous of you

and kind-hearted and honest and all these wonderful things. So thank you for that. I hope all the other peepin-pounders aren't going, shut up, Brian! God darn it. We could have had endless Harland Highway, and now we're going to have to pay $20 a year. Well, let's face it, $20 a year isn't much.

That's like one visit to McDonald's or two. Hopefully I provide you enough fast food energy. that it's worth 20 bucks a year. But you know what, Brad? I'm going to look into that. You know, it probably is, in all fairness, a good way to keep some money going towards the podcast in a limited capacity. And also, I remember years ago, when I first started the podcast, I had a website where

I had a donation button where you could, if you felt so inclined and you wanted to throw some support towards the podcast without me asking for it or without you having to subscribe to anything or buy anything. I had a donation button where if you wanted to donate $5 or $20 or a million, you could just do it. So I remember Brian is one of the guys that kind of once again brought that up when I discontinued the website for the Harland Highway because I was running Harlan Williams. dot com and blah blah blah so so what i've done is i've put up a new donation button yes not asking for

your money but if you want to donate something to put towards the harland highway there is now a donation button at harland williams dot com and that way it's no pressure no guilt no obligation it's anonymous it's and if you if you want to throw a few bucks towards the cause then so be it You know, most of the guys doing podcasts are making a crap ton of money off them. A lot of them are doing it to make money. And I've just kind of always been in the mindset that it's my way of giving back. But, you know, there's other days. If I'm being honest, I feel stupid because I'm not monetizing, you know, all this content

and all the time and effort I put into it. But so I'm, you know, some days I'm torn. But at the end of the day, maybe if I, can do a little of both, and so be it. And that's why I decided to put up the donation thing. And if people feel inclined and are happy and like what I do, then maybe throw a little treat towards running the podcast. So there you go.

Brian, thank you so very much. Awesome call. I'm going to look into the renewal thing against probably the wishes of some. But, you know, like I said, it all helps. So there you go. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. You know what? I want to talk, jump to something that

just fascinated me. And it happened a few weeks ago. There was this false missile warning that came out in Hawaii. I'm sure you all heard about it. It was like a few weeks ago, maybe a month ago. And some nutcake who worked at the Defense Department or worked at some department of missile warnings or whatever. some nutty Hawaiian guy quote unquote pressed the wrong button and for half an hour

the whole Hawaiian island chain was was under the threat of a nuclear launch from North Korea and for all for all these Hawaiians knew and anyone who was in Hawaii for all they knew they had a half hour to live. And it just caused chaos and panic and pandemonium. And I was like, oh, my God. Have you thought about what you would do if you had half an hour to live? Well, apparently, a lot of people, a lot of people, you know, kind of had to face that. And apparently we have a guy here who wants to sue the,

the state of Hawaii and the American government because I guess when this, when this warning went out, some nefarious things happened with this gentleman. And Roger says we have him on the line. We're going to talk to him about what the hell happened. Who is this guy, Roger? Stu Manning, guy named Stu Manning. And what is he?

Rogers in my headphones, gang. Hang on. Okay. He's just like a citizen of the main island in Hawaii. Okay. Lived in Honolulu. Well, I guess we can just get this information from him. We'll talk to Steve Manning of Hawaii,

and apparently he's furious. He's throwing a lawsuit now after the false missile warning. And let's get it right from the horse's mouth. Roger put put him through this uh stew manning uh hello uh stew manning are you there sir uh yeah hello hello yes stew how are you this is harlan williams we're calling from the harland highway podcast yeah okay uh i'm here i'm here this stew manning stew uh good to have you on the show uh well and under the circumstances uh thank you for having me on thank you for you know giving me a voice, able to get my side of the story out.

Yeah, and it sounds like you had, it's quite a story from what I understand. Well, you know, the irresponsibility of the American government, the Hawaiian officials, has really, you know, turn my life upside down, Mr. Williams. And, you know, I just, I need some compensation here. I need someone to take the blame for this because I think this is unfair, this is unjustified. And, you know, I can't, you know, I can't have my life just turned around because, you know, some incompetent person over at the Department of what-evs, you know, pressed a button and, you know, turn my life around.

Well, yeah, and it's, I totally, I guess I sympathize with you because what would any of us do under these circumstances, do? Yeah, exactly. And I don't think I did anything other than what anyone else would do. And, you know, so I'm a victim here, is what I am. Well, let's get your story then, sir, because this is obviously a dramatic thing that happened. It's almost unbelievable in this day and age of technology that something like this could happen. It's what you call a major football, Mr. Williams.

I mean, this is just unacceptable. I mean, you know, without name-calling, what kind of dimwits are running things? I mean, if this could happen, what happens in the middle of a real scenario? You know, if the birds are really in the air, you know, now I'm going to be in a situation where like, oh, yeah, right. Another fake missile launch. You know, let's, hey, Bill, let's go play Frisbee in the park. And don't worry, it's not real, right?

Yeah, I get it. It's like the cry wolf syndrome. Yeah, exactly. In this case, how about cry-fuck-tard system? Yeah, okay. Well, if you could just trim the language there, Stu, we are on the... Yeah, okay, I'm so I'm just emotional. I'm upset.

Well, why don't you get to your story? What happened, and why are you suing the government? Well, you know, because they caused me to do things. I mean, when you tell someone they've got a half hour to live, there's a chain reaction that takes place. in the human psyche, and, you know, these fools triggered me to do things that normally I wouldn't do. Okay, can you give us an example, still? Well, you know, I was just sitting there, you know, watching television with my kids.

We were watching cartoons or something. You know, I can't remember exactly. And all of a sudden my phone starts blinking, and I'm like, oh, what's this? I, you know, I thought it was a text from, you know, my brother or maybe, you know, my, my dad was checking in or what have you. Okay. And so I look and also like, holy shit, there's a... Again, if you could just watch the profanity.

I'm sorry, but I'm like, holy crap, like, there's missiles in the air. And I'm like sitting there stunned. I'm like, I've got half an hour to live. I've got, like, my eyes are... My life's flashing before my eyes. Wow, I can only imagine, and I'm guessing you, you know, probably, huddled your kids together and started praying and telling everyone you love them. Hell, no, I didn't, man.

What do you mean? I was like, I got a half hour to live. I got crap to do. Okay, meaning? Well, you know, I never liked my neighbor, right? So I ran next door, and I rang his doorbell. Okay. And when he opened the door, I punched him right in the face, man. Like, I cold cocked that fucking guy, split his nose and half.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, I mean, I just pulled back, and I gave it everything I got. I was like, this is, this is like, you know, 32 years of you make a noise at night, and, you know, fucking your loud car and your music and the beer parties. I just hammered him, man, split his nose, and then I hit him again. I think I knocked a couple of teeth out, and then before he could hit the ground, I just kicked him right in the balls. I mean, this guy was in agony, man.

Whoa, okay, Stu, see, right away, that's... That's not... Well, don't blame me, man. I mean, this is the government, okay? I never would have done this had they not put out, you know, a missile warning that I was going to die in half an hour. Well, come on, man, I mean... So, after I shot his dog, right? Yeah, what?

Yeah, his dog, you know, he's got this fucking dog. I don't know if it's epileptic or retarded or what. All it does is bark all day and all night. You know how many years of sleep I've lost to that fucking thing? Sir, if you could just calm down, watch the language. Oh, that's easy for you to say, Mr. Williams. You didn't have a half hour to live. Okay, I understand you're upset.

So this dog, I mean, I went in after, you know, after I kicked the shit out of my neighbor, Dave Ellis, I went next door. I got my shotgun, and I said, here, Barney, here, Barney. And, of course, Barney came right up to the fence, barking the way he always does. And I just blasted some buckshot right through the fucking. fence, man. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, man, you should have heard it.

He transitioned from barking to yelping in about a second and a half, man. It was fucking beautiful. I just saw his, right through the hole in the fence, I saw his body blow across the yard, man. Okay, well, you know, this is not sounding good, and you're going to sue the government? Oh, yeah, like I said, Mr. Williams, I never would have done this stuff. You know, had I thought about it before? Okay, maybe, but, you know, thinking isn't a crime, right? Well, no, it's not.

Okay, so if you have half an hour to live and you've got a lot of pent-up anger and aggression and, you know, bucket-list stuff. Bucket list? Your bucket list was to beat the crap out of your neighbor and shoot his dog? Yeah, and drown his kid. What? Well, they have a swimming pool, and, you know, what's noisier than dogs, right? kids. And this guy had one kid. I don't know if this kid had Tourette's or this kid had Asperger's or he was just a fucking asshole. But...

Sir, the language. Well, this little prick, you know, he'd throw shit in my yard. He put a baseball through my window and I thought, huh, 25 minutes to live. Might as well drown that little fuck. What? Are you telling me, sir, that you went next door and took a young child? Well, he was 14. He's not that. young. Still, a kid. You took a kid and you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you put them in a pool and held them underwater? Well, I had to step over the shot dog first. Oh my God. Sir. Yeah, I know. I know. I know. I'm mad at myself, too, because I'm like, I should have maybe done this like 15 years ago, you know? I mean, the hours of sleep that I lost, Mr. Williams. Okay. Okay. This is just out of I know, and this is all on the government. And when I file my lawsuit, and when the judge says, you know, who's responsible for fucking your cousin, I'm going to say you are. What? What? What? Yeah, that's right. I fucked my cousin. What are you talking about, sir?

Well, you know, I think everybody, you know, come on, let's not play dumb here, Mr. Williams. I think in every family, there's one. I think in every family, there's one. haughty, right? One haughty? Oh, are you really gonna play this game with me? I mean, between all the cousins and the brothers and the sisters and the extended family, there's

always one haughty that you always had your eye on, right? Oh my God, this is awful. So, I'm like, okay, I got half an hour. I stole a police car, drove over to Janius's house, right? Who?

Janice. Who is Janice? Uh, my cousin, hello, she's only two years younger than me, man. She's still hot, even though she's in her 30s. Sir, this is, you stole a police car? Well, I had to get across town, man, everyone was panicking, and, you know, people got out of the way with the flashing lights, right? Sir? And I had to get to my cousin and fuck her. I mean, I've had my eye on this chick. I've seen her at, like, family reunions. I've seen her at Christmas parties. We were at a corn roast lunch. She was wearing some Daisy Dukes.

Like, holy fuck, you know. Sir, you are not allowed to have sex with your cousin. Man, what we did, I don't know if I'd call it sex. And she was complicit. This wasn't like a sexual attack or anything. Like, she was down, bro. This is what was amazing. Okay. My God, sir. So what I'm saying is I need to sue the state of Hawaii and the government and also my eighth grade science teacher.

Your science teacher, what's that got to do with anything? Well, you know, ever since I was in high school, I mean, you know, my science teacher, she was Ms. Mulvaney, she was hot, bro. I mean, who hasn't had a crush on a teacher, right? Oh, no. What are you talking about? Well, you know, I had 10 minutes to go before, you know, the whole world was basically evaporated. And I thought, how do I want to go? Do I want to go huddled under a desk?

Do I want to go laying on the ground? Do I want to go down in like a root cellar or something? Okay. And I thought, no, I want to go ejaculating all over my school teachers. No, no, no, no, no, no. You know, Stu, please tell me you didn't do this. Well, okay. Maybe, you know, on this one, it wasn't complicit.

Maybe, you know, I probably shouldn't have tied her husband up. What the hell? But again, Mr. Williams, you have to understand this is on the state. This is on the American government because, you know, they planted the seed. I never, ever, ever would have done any of this stuff, man. And, uh, you know, I was just happening a happy little day watching cartoons with my kids. And next thing I know, I'm beating the shit out of my neighbor. I'm shooting their dog.

I'm drowning their kid. I'm fucking my cousin. I'm ejaculating all my science teachers' breasts. I crapped on a bun at Burger King. What? Yeah, you know, Burger King, man. You know, I, I just, you know, I've had some bad dealings at the drive-thru. You know, they get your order wrong, your fries are cold, you know.

You ask for a, you know, McGrittle cake, and they give you like, you know, a sausage cake or whatever. You ask for a whopper with no onions or pickles, and they put them on. It's like, whatever happened to have it, your way, right? Okay, so what happened to Burger King? Well, I had about four minutes to go, according to the government, and I went in, and I ordered a, you know, a whopper, and I stood at the counter and I scraped all the shit off of it and it was just a bun

you know that's a pretty big bun for the whopper. Okay. And, uh, you know, I built up a little bit of a, uh, you know, a brown trout over the evening. A what? You know, a loaf, man. I had a loaf and I had a loaf. I'm ready to go. Oh my God.

And so I'm like, you know, I've paid a lot of money over the years. You know, I put in a lot of money to the old home of the Whopper, right? Okay. And, uh, you know, this time I really am going to have it my way. And, uh, you know, I got up on the counter and I squatted a deuce right into a Burger King Wopper bun, bro. Oh my, are you telling me you defecated into a sesame seed Burger King Wopper?

Here's the kicker, right? I left the cheese on the bond. What the hell? Yeah, that's right, bro. I left it. them a shit mccheese whopper brow it was unbelievable you know sir i don't think you're going to win this lawsuit oh really well i think i am because i never ever would have done any of this stuff if they hadn't told me i only had a half hour to live well look you've done a lot here and and i don't think other people have acted out and behaved the way you have sir i i think maybe you're going to be culpable in all of these crimes.

Oh, are you kidding me? Okay, so I'm going to... Okay, let me get this straight, Mr. Williams. The government tells me I have a half hour to live, right? I burn down three churches, and it's my fault? What do you mean you burned down three churches? You know what? I don't feel comfortable talking about any more of this without a lawyer. You know, forget it, man.

Fuck you. Wait, what? Hold on. Churches? What, you burn churches? Hello? What, hell, Roger? Holy crap. What the hell? We interrupt this podcast for an important North Korean news update. Yeah, junezny, shuggered some back.

Oh, shanked not? Ah, of you? Oh, sure. Oh, school's the other than you're still. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Here. Come. Come. Yon. Yonan how how to live? Yeah.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming. All right, switching gears here. Let's talk about something that happened to me that I never thought would happen. Has anyone had a nub in their ear?

Yeah, you heard me, a nub in their ear. This is something that I never saw coming in my lifetime, but recently, someone with a severed arm who now had a nubbed shoved it in my ear. I got ear nubbed. Very peculiar, very odd sensation. Let me tell you the story. I was doing a stand-up comedy show at the world-famous comedy store. on the sunset strip and I did a show

It was like a packed house And I walked off stage I walked out into the hallway And there was a young lady there Probably I'd say about maybe 30 years old A little heavy set Charming Lovely looking lady

And she was standing there And she stopped me in the hallway And said, oh great show I really loved it You made me laugh, and I said, thanks. And I put my hand out to fist bumper. And all of a sudden, she kind of turned her shoulder towards me. And much to my surprise, she raised a nub.

She had no arm. From the shoulder onwards, there was about, you know, nine or 11 inches of a nub. And she lifted the nub. to shake hands and I was like oh and try not to make things awkward and weird I I first of all fist bumped a nub because I don't shake hands I fist bump I don't want to get the flu or the cold so I kind of felt like I was punching a girl in the nub another thing I never thought I would do in my life punch someone right in the nub so it felt a little weird I could feel kind of like bone and muscle and flesh like there was still

part of a bone, like just the very top of her bone from her shoulder, still inside the nub. So I could see it and kind of feel it, and it was a little awkward, but I, you know, I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. I'll be honest, I was immediately uncomfortable because I didn't know what to do. I've never been confronted with a nub like that before. It totally threw me off. and I don't mean I was uncomfortable like repulsed. I was uncomfortable because it was unfamiliar to me. I didn't, what is the protocol for a nub shake?

I've never really had to shake a nub. So here I am. Instead of shaking a nub, I kind of punched it. And then I'm thinking, oh, my God, is she going to be upset? Did I punch her? Did I fist nub her too hard? but apparently not and she was all happy and giddy

and she goes hey would you be up for doing a picture and of course I'd take pictures all the time with people so I said of course let's do a picture and then she threw a nub question at me she goes would you mind if we do like the Steve Martin thing where remember how Steve Martin used to put the arrow through his head, and I don't know if any of you remember this, but when Steve Martin was a stand-up

comedian back in the day, he used to have it look like an Indian arrow, like from a bow and arrow, an arrow, and it had a little wire on it, and he would put it on his head, and it looked like the arrow was going through his head. And I said, what do you mean? She goes, well, I do this with all the other comedians, and she started like listing a bunch of comedians, and she goes, what I do is I stick my nub in your ear and then have my other arm coming out from behind your head. And it looks like I'm sticking my arm right through your head. Kind of like how Steve Martin put the arrow through his head. And I'm thinking, you know,

it's not like Steve Martin, but you're putting, he put an arrow through his own head and it was an arrow. You're putting your severed arm through my head. and it's not mine, it's yours. But now I've already committed. I told her I would do the picture. And the whole nub thing threw me off. So I was a little bit like caught in the moment. And sure enough, now I'm standing in a hallway.

The doorman's taking a picture. I'm bending down. I've got a nub in my ear, in my right ear. And we're smiling. And I got to tell you, man, I've had people lick my ear. I've had people give me a wet willy. I've had doctors pull clumps of wax out of my ear. I've had a cue tip in my ear.

I've stuck my finger in my ear. I've had bugs crawl in my ear. I have never had a nub, a human nub, a severed arm nub, a sweet nublin in my ear. Never thought that would happen in life, and it was weird. And I'm not mocking this girl. I'm not making fun of her. It is what it is.

It felt weird. Have any of you had a nub in your ear? You know what, Roger, let's make this real question of the day. Hurry, hurry, lay it down. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Have any of you ever had a nub in your ear? The Harland Highway, question of the day. Okay, just just had to ask it.

I have a feeling none of you listening have had a nub in your ear. If you have, I want to hear about it, okay? So it was a very odd sensation. It was fleshy. It was kind of lumpy. It was hard because you could kind of feel where the bone ended. But it was also kind of soft and mushy. it was kind of mussely, like an oyster or something.

And again, I'm not making fun of it. I'm just telling you how it felt in my ear. And it was kind of like cool, you know, the temperature of flesh. Like if you've got cold hands or your feet are cold, the nub was kind of like a little chilly. It was a chilled nub. Oh my God, it was weird. man. I got to say I didn't like it. You know, it just felt creepy and weird and I did not like the

sensation. Okay? Just being honest. I don't think, and I don't know if any of you would like a nub in your ear. Maybe, you know, maybe some of you have a nub in the ear fetish. You know, some people like to be licked in the ear, bit on the ear, blow in their ear, but I don't know if you want a arm shoved in your ear. And so, you know, I got through that. The picture was taken. Of course, the guy taking the picture. Oh, I forgot to put the flash on.

Whoops, it's out of focus. Let's do it again. So now I'm doing like three or four. It's like I'm at a fashion shoot for Nub magazine or something. Oh, my God. It was uncomfortable, man. but I did it I was a trooper

and then she showed me the picture she goes look and sure enough there's me standing beside a girl and it looks like her arm is going through my head and coming out the other side and part of me was amused and part of me was like oh god

just like kind of weirded out but at the end of the day, I know it brought her happiness. And let's face it, obviously she went through some trauma. I actually asked her before she asked me to do the picture, when she first shook my hand, when we first did the nub bump, you know, I don't like things being uncomfortable. So I just call them out immediately. And I said, oh, my goodness, do you mind me asking how you lost your arm?

And she was very gracious. she said, yeah, it was actually ripped off in a car accident. Like someone was speeding by or it got caught in a door or something like that, but a car literally ripped her arm off. And I'm like, oh, my God. But, you know, I have to give her kudos for taking, you know, kind of a tragic situation and finding a way to make it fun and bring her some happiness and joy and maybe bring other people some happiness.

like she clearly had a sense of humor about it, which I think is a healthy thing. So good for her. And, you know, I was just inadvertently uncomfortable because, like I said, it's something that was just kind of thrown on me. I didn't see it coming. And whenever something that's way out of your wheelhouse happens,

your natural intuition is to be uncomfortable. But we did it. We got through it. We had fun with the nub, and so who knows, if you ever see my picture show up on social media or anywhere, and it looks like there's an arm right through my head, it's not Photoshop, it's not trick photography, someone actually shoved their nub in my earhole. That's splendid. All right, that is splendid. I think we'll leave it there for the day. Oh, what a show. What a show. Nubs and Missile Warnings and, oh, just, what a crazy show. Before we go a few announcements, as I mentioned, there is the donation button now on the homepage of the Harland Williams.com website. You'll see it's the toll booth to get on the Harland Highway. If you want to leave a donation, you just just go on and click a button and decide how much you want to donate, and boom, it's done.

It goes to a noble cause. Also, if you're on the page, you can see the download button on my homepage for my new comedy album. Yes, crowd control number four. For those of you that love to hear stand-up comedy live and in the moment, the whole album is, It's just me going at it with the crowd. It's the best of cuts from various clubs around the country. And it's just the gold moments when I have interaction with the crowd and it's made up on the spot.

And it's total improvisation. People yelling stuff out and me reacting or me asking questions and reacting. It's a lot of fun. It's really cheap too. I put the price down. It's like three bucks or something like. that for crowd control volume four definitely good listening i'm sure it'll make you laugh and it's just i i think it's really fun just to hear uh stand-up comedy happening in the

moment with no preconceived uh notions no pre pre written material it's just raw man so i hope you enjoy crowd control for uh the donation button if you want to become a premium member while at harlainwiams.com, just go on the podcast link for 20 bucks a year and maybe longer until I fix it. You get every single episode of the Harland Highway, plus bonus perks like hearing stuff before other members of the Harland Highway community. Special announcements, special bits, blah, blah, blah, stuff like that. So that's very cool. Also, we have an app for your phone. If you go into your app store on your phone,

type in the Harland Highway podcast. The app is absolutely free. You get the 50 latest episodes of the Harland Highway for free. And as I said, if you want to go all the way back to the beginning, you get almost a thousand episodes, only 20 bucks. Please tell your friends about the Harland Highway podcast. I've also been getting a lot of mail about puppy dog pals

my animated show on Disney Jr. Thank you everyone for watching and supporting and our second season is about to launch very soon. I'll keep you posted on that. And also for those of you that went into the store at the Harland Highway store, as I mentioned, I do hand-drawn t-shirts. I just put them up and half of them are gone already.

So people just love those shirts. I draw them myself. They're pieces of original Harland artwork. I draw them right on the shirt. There's only one copy. Nobody else has a duplicate or a replica. And I just put those shirts up, and I think four of the six or seven I put up there

are already sold. So if you want your own hand-drawn shirt, get to my store and order yours today. There's only, I think, three left. And I don't get a chance to do them that often. So it's in a world full of brand names. It's nice to have your own original. I hope you enjoy.

Maybe you'll see something there that you like. As I said, tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway. We want people to listen and enjoy. And that's it for today, man. I hope your 2018 is off to a great start. We're still at the very beginning. Make sure you're getting healthy, going to the gym. Make sure you're planning something fun to do this year that's out of the box.

All that cool stuff. Okay, so there you go. Thanks for listening. And until next time, everybody, chicken chow-me, baby? I had a loaf, man. I had a loaf. I'm ready to go.