The Harland Highway - 929 - Mr. BUBBLES the Manatee calls in. STAR WARS review. Calls from listeners.

Episode Date: February 5, 2018

Mr. BUBBLES the Manatee calls in. STAR WARS review. Calls from listeners. NEW TITLES for 2018. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, what a, what a show we have today. Oh, my God. What a show. First of all, the new titles, okay? Today you will get to hear the new titles for the first time, unless you're a premium member. You've already heard them. But for the rest of you, the new titles will be kicking off the show today.

I hope you enjoy them. Also, we're going to be taking some phone calls from the pavement pounders. We're going to be talking about Star Wars and podcasting. also a crazy news story. My goodness, I guess there was some kind of an accident out on the deep blue sea and a manatee, a famous manatee was injured and is now being medicated

and hopefully it's going to be okay. We're going to be taking some phone calls from Mr. Bubbles, the manatee. I guess from his hospital room or wherever the hell you put manatees when they're sick. So look for that. And then, yeah, I'm going to be doing later in the show a scathing review of the latest Star Wars movie. I don't know if you're Star Wars fans or not, but I was not happy.

I haven't been happy with Star Wars for a while. So stick around for my scathing review, some other phone calls. And we're going to have a lot of fun right here on today's news. titles, Harland Highway. I have an announcement to me. You're about to go down the Harland Highway. Lock the door. I don't want to be a product of my environment.

Shut up. I want my environment to be a product of me. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. So, put off the fuck the fuck. to get off this phone. I can get you off. I can get you off. Maybe.

Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantalope. Tideon. Tudda. Tudadon. All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway show.

I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk, I can stand myself. Keep bleeding on that tutor, Charlie, and you're gonna get a shot in the mouth. Act like a man! I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit and you know it. Oh, there they are.

There they are the brand new titles for 2018. How about that? First listen, except if you're a premium member, of course you already heard them. One of the little perks of being a premium member, ladies and gentlemen, for $20 a year. uh yeah i hope you like the new titles and of course they will be around for a little while and then one day i'll do some fresh ones i like to keep mixing it up so uh there you go um but enough about the titles uh let's get right to uh i'm dying to talk about this crazy news story roge let's kick the show off with a crazy crazy news story Crazy news stories

That's weird Wow That's strange stuff Oh boy I can't decide if this is crazy Or I should be Euphoric about it Let me just read this crazy headline for you

And I think we all might want to be Cracking out a cake and celebrating Here it is, ready? Here's the headline Distressed Baby Manatee Mr. Bubble, now recovering happily after a dramatic Florida rescue. Oh, my God. Mr. Bubble has been saved.

Oh, Mr. Bubble. Raj, can we get Mr. Bubble on the phone later? Can Mr. Bubble call us from Florida? I mean, we're so happy that Mr. Bubble's been rescued and saved, and I'd love to talk to Mr. Bubble. Raj is giving me the thumbs up. Okay, cool. Let me read this story. A five-month-old manatee has been rescued near Port Everglades, Florida, and given a new name and a chance to live out a happy life as he recovers at the Miami Sea Quarium.

Formerly known as Mr. Bubble, Brownie, a five-month-old calf, was spotted in distress near the Everglades on Friday when he was rescued from the water and taken to the Sea Quarium to be a vexswain. Oh, Mr. Bubble, on Monday he was relaxing, being given antibiotics, and eating a delicious lunch of romaine lettuce and bananas while swimming in a fresh water pool. Yeah, because out in the wild, you know, manatees, that's all they eat is romaine lettuce and bananas. What the hell? You can't give it seaweed like it eats naturally? Brownie, well, why they call him Brownie now? Brownie, oh, here we go. Brownie received the new name

because ZEquarium didn't actually know his name and is using desserts as a naming theme for animals this year because they are so sweet. Okay, that's a little confusing. They didn't know Brownie's real name. Okay, just for the folks that, Sea Aquarium. Manatees don't have names, okay? They're just called manatees. There's no manatees swimming underwater going, hey there, Brownie. Can you come over here, please?

I'd like you to meet my friend Fudgy and Pineappily over here. Um, so anyways, uh, Mr. Bubbles is doing good. Uh, he's approximately 200 pounds and slightly more than five feet in length. But workers at Seaquarium were concerned when they retrieved him As initial tests show he hadn't nursed in a week And had some lesions on his body Which might have been the result of running into a boat For now, Mr. Bubbles is in a protective shadow Similar to one that his mother would cast

Eating well and may be released next winter We're cautiously optimistic, say that the handlers because we are seeing an improvement. Mr. Bubbles may also get a new companion as on Monday the Seaquarium was on route to another potential manatee rescue in Naples approximately two hours away. Oh, no.

What if Mr. Chuckles is hurt? Oh, my God. What do we have Mr. Bubbles and Mr. Chuckles all swimming around eating bananas and sea cabbage or whatever the hell they eat. For those of you that don't know what a manatee is, it looks like a walrus with no teeth, sort of. Their other name they go by is sea cow. And they're these big, giant, chubby things that just float around peacefully.

and they eat like seagrass and make bubbles and they're very gentle. If you go back in my archives of the Harlan Highway podcast, I did a whole podcast where I actually went swimming with manatees in the wild down in Florida. And it was quite the adventure. So if you're a premium member, I can't tell you what number it is,

but if you look through the headings, It's probably happened about two years ago, a year and a half ago. And you should see Harlan Swims with Manatees or something like that. But I shouldn't get to swim with Mr. Bubble. So we wish Mr. Bubble well. God bless Mr. Bubble. And Roger's going to try and get him on the phone later in the podcast. And we're just going to say hi to him and wish him well.

and for now let's jump to a phone call and let's all give thanks for Mr. Bubble. Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan. This is Duncan from Alabama. I'm a 90s kid, so I fell in love with your work back in Rocket Man

and then you got to admit, I just kind of forgot about you, no offense. But then I discovered your podcast, and now you are back in my life a big, bad way. I love what you're doing with the Harland Highway. I am loving

all your stuff on the website. I've got a question for you, though. Is an aspiring creative individual myself wanting to start a podcast, do you have any advice? Anyway, I appreciate it, man, and stay tubular, bro.

Duncan from Alabama, yes, indeed. Well, hey, man, thank you for the kudos, for the compliments. I'm glad you enjoyed my work. And, yeah, my movie work fell off a little bit after, like, the mid-2000s. You can only stay up there in the movie biz for so long, unless you're a superstar. So I had a pretty good run. And, you know, I continue to do little things here and there.

Maybe I'll do some more bigger things, but now I'm podcasting and doing other things. I'm glad you dig the podcast. And as far as advice goes, man, the podcast world is a tough one because my immediate advice would be be original, do something unique. Don't do what everyone else is doing. And the problem with that is that for me, that's like the golden rule. You know, always try to do something different. And so for eight years, I've been trying to do something different than nobody else is doing. And guess what?

The people that are doing what everyone else is doing are getting all the activity on their podcasts. Yeah. I look at the numbers. I talk to these other podcasters. They're getting hundreds of thousands of listeners per episode. and most of them are just interviewing each other and interviewing people and kind of talking to the same people and a lot of them, the same guests go from one podcast to the other

and there's nothing wrong with that. They're entertaining. They're done well. They're funny. They're all that stuff. I'm not knocking them in any way. But I'm making the point that many podcasts kind of follow the same format. So I always find in life that it's whenever you do something a little different or a little more unique, it stands out.

So, as you know with my podcast, I try to do things very differently and make it stand apart from most podcasts. And I got to tell you, man, it's been a little bit frustrating. I don't quite get the numbers that some of the more traditional podcasts get. So in a way, I want to say to you, hey, be original, do something nobody's doing. But then I look at my results and I go, ooh, wait a minute. All the guys that are doing what everyone else is doing seem to be doing a lot better. So I don't know. Follow your gut.

You know, I always say even if you're not getting a million listeners, but you love what you're doing and it's really original. And if your podcast is you banging a stick on a bucket. for an hour and that's what you like to do then do it because just remember if you get into the podcast thing you know assuming you want to make it something that that's relevant and works and maybe even brings you some income you know there's guys making a living off their podcast these days and then there's a ton of guys that aren't so don't get stars in your eyes hopefully you're one of them but my point is at the end of the day you're going to have you're going to have to deal with whatever you produce.

And so hopefully you tap into something you like. You know, I suggest you amuse and entertain and inform your audience, but also make sure you're entertaining and amusing yourself. And that's what I try to do with my podcast, is I try to keep it fun and funny and interesting for my listeners, but at the same time, if I'm not having fun doing it, what's the point? So that's just a little bit of advice. You know, other bits of advice is, you know, maybe you want to have a sidekick.

A lot of podcasts are done where people do them together. They have a sidekick or they always have a guest every show. You know, like some of the big ones, like Adam Carolla, he always has guests. he has like two or three sidekicks. Mark Marin always interviews guests. Joe Rogan always interviews guests. Me, I rarely interview guests. So maybe there's something to it.

But maybe you can be more creative than anyone. Maybe you can think of a way to present a podcast that nobody's done yet. So I don't know. I hope some of that helps. I hope some of that maybe, you know, sparks some ideas in your head. But just remember, once you start, it is a commitment. It's like you kind of, you can just walk away from it if you want because it's yours.

And if you don't have any sponsors and you're not making any money, you can walk away from it whenever you want. I've been doing mine for, I think, seven years without barely making a dime. No sponsors. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your

entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adameneve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount

and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And I've been very committed to it. I've probably been more committed to my zero money-making podcast and most guys who are even making money. Why? Because it goes back to what I said.

I'm doing something I love. It's something I have passion for. It makes me laugh. It keeps me entertained. And I just like putting this stuff out there for you all, y'all, you folks, y'all, you know. So I hope that helps a little bit, man. I mean, I could go on and on and on. But, you know, my advice is worth money, young boy.

No, I'm just kidding. But anyways, there's just a few thoughts, and I wish you luck. I hope you find something fun to talk about or make the theme of your podcast, and it's a hell of a lot of fun, and I'm wishing you all the best, okay? Thanks for the call, and go get them, cowboy. Stay tubular, bro. Oh, what? Mr. Bubbles is on the line?

Oh, this is amazing. You got through to Mr. Bubbles? Okay, put them through. We're going to talk to Mr. Bubbles. he's recovering at SeaWorld or something. Here we go. Oh, my God. Uh, hello there, Mr. Bubbles.

Are you there? Hello, Mr. Williams. Oh, boy, there he is. Oh, my gosh. Mr. Bubbles. Yes. Well, we were so worried about you. Roger, good job getting hold of Mr. Bubbles.

Are you okay, Mr. Bubbles? Well, I'm feeling a little bit weak, but I think I'm going to be okay. Oh, my goodness. I just have a little. under water sneeze. Well, boy. You know, it's, they said in the article that maybe you, you ran into a boat or something. Well, like the boat ran into me, I was just, you know, laying in the water and you're

moving on some seagrass and boom, right out of nowhere. It looked like it was hit by a Mack truck. Oh, Mr. Bubbles. I'm sorry. Are you, are you, were you cut? Were you, were you, were you, were you, were you, were you, were you hurt? Well, I have a few lacerations on my skin, but I think I'm going to be okay to give me lots of delicious bananas and some wonderful cabbage, romaine lettuce in the whole week. Oh, isn't that nice? You love the bananas and you love the romaine lettuce?

Well, you know, if they're going to go to all the trouble, you give me some romaine lettuce, you'd think they'd give me a little lans dressing, baby. What? Oh, what? You want some ranch dressing? Well, you know, in Romanian lettuce is kind of plain, Mr. William. It sure would be nice to liven the flavor up a bit to the little ranch dressing. Oh, well, I didn't know you. You had such refined taste buds. Well, I am a sea cow, and I'd like to eat, Mr. William, and while we're at it, maybe throw a few croutons into the mix. Did you say croutons, Mr. Williams? Mr. Bubbles?

That's right. Krispy, crunchy croupons with a little garlic seasoning on them. Oh, sounds like you're getting excited, Mr. Bubbles. Well, the idea

of eating some crispy, crunchy garlic coupons certainly gets my bubbles flapping. Oh, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, settle down, Mr. Bubbles.

And how about some of that ranch dressing? Oh, that cream buttermilk dressing, just dripping all over my romaine lettuce with some crispy, crunchy, garlicy croutes. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, wow. Well, you know, maybe we can talk to someone over at Sea Ocean World or whatever the hell it is and see if we can work on that for you.

Oh, would you, Mr. William, I would be ever so indebted. Maybe I'll even save you one of my delicious. ripe bananas. Well, isn't that nice? Can I sing you a little song about bananas, Mr. Williams? Oh, you want to sing us a banana song, Mr. Bubbles? Well, it's not really my song, Mr. Williams, but it's a song I heard from Harry Belafonte. Harry Belafonte.

Okay, yeah, go ahead. Okay, here we go. One, two, one, two, three, four. Deo, Deo, they like come in, he wants to go home. Oh, that's Deo by Harry Belafonte. I wasn't finished yet, Mr. Williams. Don't interrupt Bubbles. Oh, I'm sorry, Bubbles. Keep going. Deo, Deo, Deo, a great big bunch of ripe bananas.

Oh, man, Bubbles wants to go home. A great big bunch of white bananas. They like coming, Mr. Bubbles wants to go home. Oh, that's wonderful. I wasn't finished, Mr. Williams. Whoops, sorry, go ahead. Yeah. Duda, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Whoops-a-Dazzy. Daylight come and he wants to go home. Wow, that was... I'm not finished, Mr. Williams. Sorry, go ahead. I take the foot, seven, good, eight for dance. Day, they come, Mr. Bubbles wants to go home. Oh, isn't that?

I'm not finished. I'm not finished. Do you want to go home? Oh, that... I'm not on there. Un-da-un-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-ya-oh. Do I come, Mr. Bobbys want to go home? Whoa!

Say, Mr. Williams, I had a little... I think I might have had some romaine lettuce stuck in my throat weight again there. Wow. Oh, boy, that was quite a rendition of... Did you like it, Mr. Williams, oh, please tell me you liked it. We really liked it, Mr. Bubbles. I don't think we've ever heard a sea cow sing Deo by Harry Belafonte.

Oh, joy, oh bliss. Oh, a wonderful underwater starfish, kisses, Mr. Williams. Well, I'm glad you're happy, Mr. Bubbles, and we are just so happy that you're recovering and you're going to be well, and we want to wish you all the best. Thank you so much, Mr. Williams. Can I sing one more song as we end our conversation here? Of course, Mr. Bubbles. Which one? How about something?

Mr. John Bon Jovi, Mr. Williams. Oh, we love Bon John Jovi. I said John Bon Jovi, not Bombom, Bobby. Sorry, I had a little tongue twister there, Mr. Bubbles. That's okay, Mr. Williams. Here we go. One, two, one, two, three, four. Oh, it's all the same, even an end of change.

One more town, I'm going to find my way. Oh, wait a minute. I'm not finished, Mr. Williams. Go ahead. Because I'm a cowboy. I'm a steel for a ride, and I'm warming. Oh, isn't that? I'm not finished.

Gone is... Who's your eyes here? Oh, you're getting excited again. Thank you for calling, Mr. William. You're very nice man, and I love you. Mr. Bubbles, love you very much. Well, we love you, Mr. Bubbles, and all our listeners love you. And I love all your listeners, lots of face bubble kisses from Mr. Bubble.

Oh, my God. That was, what a heartwarming moment just to, Roger, that good, thank you for that. Mr. Bubbles, I didn't expect him to sing. I didn't expect him to be, he really sounds healthy. That's, oh, I'm sad to hear him hang up. Boy, oh boy. Well, Mr. Bubbles. Brough.

Hello? Hello? Yeah, hey, Harland. I had an idea for a podcast subject. I don't know if you've seen The Last Jedi or not, but for a lifelong Luke Skywalker fan, it was kind of a train wreck. And I was just wondering what your opinion of it was.

I mean, you know, find the character was handled okay, acceptably. But for a lot of fans out there, including a ton of people who are chiming in on YouTube, many feel they kind of undermined him to the point of becoming a parody of what he stood for. And I think it's a little heartbreaking. Luke was a symbol of tenacity, perseverance, optimism

for a multi-generational fandom, and now just kind of dismissed in a cartoony way. I mean, yes, Star Wars is just an adventure fantasy, but it's one with heart. I just felt like The Last Jedi was rather agenda-driven and shallow, not to mention convoluted and lacking coherence. Anyway, I wonder if any of your pavement pounders are Star Wars fans. Yeah, I mean, from the Princess Leia surviving outside of the airlock for even one second to the sea cow green milk. Tip scene. I don't know. I could go off. Whatever.

It's a load of Bampa Poodoo, and a missed opportunity to really let Luke Skywalker shine. Okay. Talk to you later. Bye. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Here's my review of the latest Star Wars. You're ready? That's not even an English word.

That's a universal word. Sound. It just, what a piece of crap. I mean, my God, I was just dying, fighting to not walk out of this piece of junk. I'm just completely perplexed at how this incredible franchise, this earth-changing, this world-changing movie has been bastardized and turned into a pile of steaming crap so many times with the first Star Wars and the second Star Wars were they, it was just magic.

You sat there mesmerized and they got it right. The third one had started drifting into Muppet World and it just started getting really hokey. Okay, so the third one wasn't great. Then came the ones they did in the late 90s or the early mid-2000s where it was like with Natalie Portman and Christian, whoever that young, they did the prequels. Like, I don't need a prequel, okay?

We want to move forward. We're in space, okay? Why don't you go back to when Darth Vader's great, great, great, great, grandfather was a pioneer and crossing Arkansas on a covered wagon. I don't give a crap. You know, when Jeddah Daya Vader was crossing the Great Plains, fighting the Indians, and eating buffalo rawhide. I don't care.

It's space. Take me forward. All those movies with Natalie Portman and that Christian, whatever his name was, put me to sleep, horrible, garbage. The only good thing that's come out of all those movies, was the Darth Mall guy. One of the greatest, coolest, creepiest-looking villains. Like, he's one of those guys just when he came on screen kind of scared you.

And what do they do? They kill him, and he's only on screen for, like, ten minutes, and they kill him. And they keep all the other crap, like Jar Jar Binks and all these idiot. Ewan McGregor as whatever the hell he was. And then we fast forward There's a bunch of shitty ones And then I think it was J.J. Abrams

Rebooted the franchise I think it was about three years ago or something He like He took the old one And he brought it back And it was done really well But it was almost like he just Redid the original one

You know And we met some cool new characters We met the new Darth Vader replacement. We finally saw a Han Solo get killed. Thank God. I hate to say it, but I don't want to see these oldies. Like, let's move the fuck forward.

I don't need to keep rehashing the past. Move me the F forward, man. It's space. Star Wars blew everyone's mind because it was a glimpse into the future. It was all these new characters, all these new worlds, all these new creatures, all these new weapons, all these new computers, all these new spaceships. I don't want to go to a Star Wars movie

and start looking at all of what has been. I've already been there. I've seen it. Show me the new jellyfish monster. Show me the new invisible force ship. Show me the bubble monster. Show me Chewbacca's children who can float and eat lightning and suck mushrooms.

And, you know, give me something new, man. Don't you idiots get it? That's what compelled us. That's what drew us to the movie. Because you opened doors to our imaginations that we had never opened before. Are you forgetting what you made, you dildos? Stop rehashing the same stupid crap

and showing us the same stupid, shit all over again. Can someone out there be inventive? Can someone out there be a pioneer and give us the new, open the new door to our imagination and show us a movie that just makes us going, what the fuck did I just watch? Oh my. Who thought of that? Because that's what we all did the first time we saw Star Wars.

It blew the doors off. And none of these other Star Wars movies are blowing the doors off. In fact, they're making me want to close the door, put an exhaust hose from the muffler in the window and close the window and kill myself. So now let's fast forward to the latest, if you want to call it a Star Wars. Oh, my God.

This thing, right out of the gate, they're cracking jokes. Suddenly some idiot executive in Hollywood thought, you know what we should do in Star Wars. You know, it's a movie about war. It's a movie about good and evil in space. But why don't we make the opening scene where some idiot in a spaceship is messing with the dark evil commander on his headset about parking, parking his spaceship or whatever the hell they were doing? As soon as I saw that, I was like, oh, no, here we go. We're already going down the wrong street tonally.

and then we had Luke Skywalker out on this exotic island not 100% sure why he's there like at that point if you feel like there's nothing left to live for maybe just jump off the cliff there's a lot of them on the island Luke like you know who would want to live on a small little island in the middle of nowhere covered with grass

And then they went out of the way to show him spearing fish. Okay, does this tell you how backwards we are? We're in a movie called Star Wars, where we're supposed to be in outer space looking at the latest laser beams or particle guns. And here's Luke Skywalker in the 15th installment of Star Wars, spearing fish with a stick, like a caveman. Are you fucking missing something, you idiots?

Holy crap. And then the other inhabitants of the island are a bunch of Muppets. There was a bunch of little birds that, I mean, you could almost see the guys hiding under the grass with their hands up these puppets ass. They didn't even make an attempt to make them look like they were real creatures. Did you notice they were all sitting on them? the grass. They were all sitting in a nest. None of them were up and moving. Why? Because some guy's hand was up their ass working them. At least that's what it looked like. Maybe they were CGI. But whatever they were, they were literally toys that blew off a Toys R Us toy shelf

and landed on Luke Skywalker's Island. They had no relation to the movie. They had no connection to anything. It was Disney's deliberate attempt to sell. and market toys, which is sinful because it totally destroys the integrity of the movie. Okay? Let's remember when they made Star Wars, okay?

The whole merchandising of toys from movies wasn't really a thing yet, at least I don't think so. It wasn't really the big industry that it is today. In fact, I think Star Wars might have been the thing that really launched

it. So, George George Lucas, when he made the original Star Wars, he made a movie full of crazy, nutty, weird creatures that were organic to a piece of art, a movie that he wanted to make that was composed in his brain. And I'm not sure. I don't want to speak for anybody, but I don't think he sat down and wrote a movie and went, okay, this robot would be a great toy. Chewbacca would be a great toy. The lightsaber would be a great toy. Darth Vader's mask would be a great toy The Death Star Ship would be a great toy

Luke Skywalker's hover car I don't think that happened I think all the toys were just a result I don't think they didn't even think Star Wars was going to be a hit movie when they released it Did you know that? They didn't know what it was these idiots And so

Here's my point Make your movie first Create characters and monsters and creatures and things that fit into the movie you want to make. And if they become merchandisable, so be it. Great. But don't try to plug in toys and merchandise

along the way just for the sake of doing it because we're not idiots, we all get it. And so here's Luke Skywalker on a little grass island somewhere. And the only other thing on the island is a bunch of like Whirbles or owls that look like they've cross-bred with chinchillas. I mean, gee, could they be any cuter? Would you sneak into a field and cut a bunch of calves, eyes out, and sew them into owls' faces so they can look cute,

like cow owls or something? Holy crap. And then as far as these other creatures where they're milking green milk out of these manatee walrus monsters, what the hell was that? Those look like puppets. I mean, are you kidding me? You've got $200 million and your creatures look like something from worse than what they had on the Muppets in 1970? Horrible.

So the whole notion that Luke, Skywalker is on this island, doesn't want to leave, he's tuned out, he's been gifted all this incredible power to fight evil, to do good, but no, no, I'm the most special child in the universe, but I'm going to sit on a chunk of grass in some mysterious ocean, spearfish the way the cavemen did, suck milk out of sea cows, and hide in a cold, damp, rainy, rocky cave because all the motel sixes were booked up. I mean, what the...

Ugh. And then later in the movie, they revealed that on this island of suddenly is a library full of all the Jedi books. Oh, all the sacred books of all the Jedi prophecies and palms and the, like, the Jedi Bibles. And they just said, oh, let's just burn them.

We don't need them anymore. Let's just burn them. And then, of course, guess who shows up to stop the book burning? Hitler's book burning. Oh, look who it is. It's Yoda. Except now Yoda looks like a bad Japanese anime cartoon. I mean, this...

What is happening? Remember when CGI animation blew our minds? Remember the T-Rex from Jurassic Park? I mean, this version of... CGI Yoda showed up, and I thought it was watching like a cardboard cutout from South Park. Like this was some of the worst CGI Yoda looked different. He looked smaller. He looked, his hair was wrong, his wrinkles were wrong, his personality was wrong.

He looked disproportionate to Luke. He looked like he was like a cardboard cutout. It was just awful. And was there any real reason for him to even be there? No, guess what? They wanted to sell more Yoda toys, so they stuck them in. Make sure you stuff. Here's the executive at Disney.

Make sure you stick Yoda in. We got to sell toys. Well, he's not in the script. I don't care if he's in the script or not. You find a way to put him in. What's going on on that island with Luke Skywalker? Well, we have Luke. We have them spearing fish, okay.

And we have them milking manatees for their green. Uh, milk tit milk. Okay, that sounds real good. Wait a minute, are there any Muppets on the island? Oh, yes, there are, sir. We have a whole flock of, uh, cow owls. Okay, those sound good. Well, put Yoda on there too.

Yes, sir. Oh, my God. No rhyme or reason. Then this, this girl shows up, the Australian girl, and she learns to sword fight with the lightsaber. Doesn't she already know how to fight? fight. Doesn't she already have the fours? Does Luke have to teach

her? And by the way, Luke looks about his disinterest. He looks like a homeless guy looking for a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips in an alley behind Denny's. I mean, this guy's scruffy, he's wearing a hoodie that looks like

he's been sleeping on a fire hydrant piss puddle somewhere. It's just none of it made sense. And then let's cut to the part of the movie where all, you know, now that, now that Hans Solo's dead, let's drag out Carrie Fisher in all her 83-year-old drug rehab, alcoholic glamour. I hate to sound like a dick, but, I mean, you know, when you've had a rough life,

when you, when you've been like, you know, substance abusing for a long time, it kind of shows. And I hate to say, you know, Carrie Fisher looked old. she looked she had that far away look in her eyes she looks like she's been through some crap god bless her i know life's not easy i'm not faulting her but she just looked like a tired worn out like as soon as she came on screen the whole energy of the movie just went out the window i don't care about her story anymore she's not 22 and foxy the way she was in the first three star wars okay she's an old Can we be honest?

The buns on the side of her head, if they were cinnamon buns, they'd be moldy. They were gray. She looked tired. She looked old. Her voice was gravelly and beat up. Let's be honest, her acting and her timing wasn't what it used to be.

It was just kind of depressing. I love Carrie Fisher. I love what she brought to the franchise, what she brought to the early movie, but her time is done, man, and you guys spent half the movie on this check. And every time she came on screen, I was like, God, can we get past the old bag lady, please? I don't give a crap about her storyline. And then I hate to throw another one under the bus, but then Laura Dern shows up.

And this one ain't looking too ripe anymore. And by the way, I'm not picking on women, okay? I don't think Harrison Ford looked good in the last. one. He was another one. It's like, here comes the old man, pretending he's 18 still. I was happy as a Skylark when he got fucking stabbed and died. It's like, finally, we can be rid of this old fuck. And now, you know, they spent the whole movie and Princess Leia's dead. And I'm like, good. We're finally rid of these old bags. Can we move on? Holy crap, but Laura Dern, I don't know if she had a draft neck implanted.

You know, in Hollywood, people get weird things done. I haven't seen a neck that long since, you know, I went to the African Lion Safari down in San Diego, man. That was like a giraffe neck. And just, I don't know, man. I don't get the reason for her. And here's another thing. This movie was so overly politically correct, okay?

I mean, I get it. We're a melting pot. We all share the planet. We all are one. And we all strive for equality, and we all strive to end racism, and we all strive for everyone to have equal opportunity. And that's happening, and it happens more, and we all want it. But when you just shove it in everyone's face,

when you just, like, overdo it, I mean, it just, this camera cut from, From scene to scene, it was like, okay, there's the Latino guy, there's the white guy, there's the black guy, there's the Asian guy. Now let's go back to the woman. You know, were there any men in control of anything? Did you notice? The women were like kind of like running everything. This movie was like a masterwork in a masculation. It's like you can never let men be too.

powerful anymore. Like the, I forget the name of the African-American actor who was kind of the lead in the last Star Wars movie. He was all over it. He was like this dashing hero, this African-American hero kid, and he was great. It was all organic. It fit. It worked.

And in this movie, I don't even know what his function was. He was like pressing buttons and having lines like, we better get out of here. You know, he had no, no. real use. And then they introduced, you know, and then just sticking with the theme of looks, you know, when did it become a crime to have good-looking people in movies, okay? Like, I'm sorry, if you go back and watch that movie again from top to bottom, look at all the extras.

Look at all the actors and actresses. This isn't just women. It's men and women. Did they put out a casting call and say, We want the most average-looking actors and actresses Hollywood has to offer. You are not allowed to look pretty. You are not allowed, like, outside of the lead girl who's pretty,

I was kind of looking around, like, where's any girls that are really super cute here? Like, do we live in a society now where it's a crime to be good-looking? And same with the men. I'm looking around. Where's the good looking men there? Everyone kind of looked a little loft. They had, you know, maybe they had jacked up teeth. Or they had like a big nose or a big bump in their nose

or they had big ears or their Adam's apple looked like, you know, a family of hummingbirds lived in their neck. Like, everything felt like nobody was allowed to be real. And that brings me to the new superheroine they added. Oh my God It was like It was like This little Asian girl

Okay, they decided Let's make this young Asian girl The new military superpower Like empowered woman Like she saves the day And I'm like great I'm all for that Okay

But make it real Do you remember Linda Hamilton And Terminator 2 Like she was badass It felt real Okay I felt like, A, she was an actress that could handle the role, and B, she looked apart.

I'm sorry, but this little Asian girl that they had in the Star Wars, like the came to the rescue everything, the way she talked, the way she carried herself, the way her energy, her acting, I felt like I was watching like a barista at Starbucks. Hey, what are you doing in here? Does the empire know you're here? in the energy room?

Okay, well, let's jump in the spaceship and let's go shoot some bad guys. Okay, I don't think this is safe. Hurry, someone give me backup. I'm in trouble, help. Don't worry, I'll save you. Does anyone want a latte? Will I save the world?

I mean, it was, I was like, what am I watching? Can you not cast real people that have a real violence? a real sense of being, maybe having some grit, you know, that there is something to acting when, with a look, with an energy. But I just felt like that this whole movie was a big, a big, it's a small, small world, we're all one, we're all holding hands, and we're all happy, and the world's one happy place.

And that's not reality, okay? It's not that I don't want the world to be a unified happy place, but that's not the way it is. And because they spend so much time trying to make it all seem so like everybody's so in unison, which we all wish it was, but that's not the way of the world. It just felt phony to me. It felt so forced. It felt like they were pushing a socio-political agenda in our faces.

Instead of just focusing on the script and the story and the organic, world that Star Wars should be. I mean, Chewbacca did nothing in this movie. One of the most iconic greatest characters. He had no storyline. He did nothing. But yet that they give this, this Starbucks barista, suddenly she's the big hero.

Yeah, okay, I believe that. And I'm not knocking it because she's Asian or she's a girl or anything. It goes down to what I'm saying. about it just felt like it wasn't real it was forced it was it was to meet an agenda oh yo yeah and then we had the whole racehorse scene or whatever those big camels were that if they took the whole big camel race thing out of the movie would you notice it did it does it have any bearing on anything again let's sell some toys that look like furry horses oh then then And then near the ending, where the, you know, Princess Leia and all the pods are trying to escape.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but when we first see the pods, isn't there like 20 pods? There's like 20 pods or 15 pods. And then the Death Star starts shooting them, picking them off one by one. And I'm thinking, okay, they just got eight out of 20. There should be like, you know, 12 left. But then you cut back and it seems like they've replicated. There's like 40 now. So then they shoot a whole bunch more.

They still keep going and going and going and going. And it's like, gee, the Death Star can't stop a bunch of floating space slugs. I mean, these things were moving. They had no weapons. They had, oh, my God. This movie was a... I can keep going on, man. I've been ranting for 20 minutes.

I just can't take it. I really fought to not walk out. I love the Star Wars world, but it's just been destroyed. There's no purity left. These big Hollywood directors don't have a clue. The producers, the writers, they don't have a clue. They think they do, but they can't come close to touching the originality and the purity and the beauty of what George Lucas originally did.

And until they get someone in there that can just wipe the slate clean and reimagine and continue what his vision was, it's just slop. It's regurgitated slop. They keep retelling the same stories. They're uninteresting, uneventful, anticlimatic, leaving the theater just going, well, there goes two hours of my life, uninspired, garbage. And I'm just, I just can't believe that they keep doing it over and over. And that's what they wanted. They just want to spend, spend the money, make boom, flash, bang, sword fight, hairy creature, the forces with you.

That's all we need. Everyone will show up. And we do. We show up. And you know why we show up? We don't show up for the shit they're putting on the screen. Here's why we're showing up because we're hoping in our. deepest hopes of hopes that maybe this will be the time that they recapture the magic of the first Star Wars

and maybe the second Star Wars. And guess what? Each time we show up were just disappointed children that thought they were getting a giant ice cream cone and instead got a stale piece of bubble gum. It's just, it makes me sick Because I got to tell you out of all the movies I've seen in my life I don't think there's one movie that, that blew me out of my seat When I was 13 years old or whatever it was, when I saw Star Wars, I was literally glued to my seat.

I was, I was moved, I was transformed, my mind was blown. I can still remember I was in shock. I was like, what did I just see? holy, like it was mind-blowing. And now it's all about these emotional stories, and I love you, and, oh, the forces, oh, the spirit, the human, like it's all this emotion. You know, let me just watch a couple of hours of general hospital, okay? I don't want a soap opera. Give me a space story and put some human emotion into it.

Don't do it the other way around. You're creating these horrible space drama soap operas and then you're dressing them up with sci-fi go-to props like spaceships and lightsabers and guns. And you're just doing it all backwards, all wrong, all horrible. You should all be ashamed of yourself. And I want to thank this listener here who called in

and I could hear the disappointment in your voice and almost you wanted to keep going the way I am. You were disappointed, you were let down and you just saw all the holes and flaws and it's all just so busy. There's too many storylines. There's too many things going on. You remember Star Wars, the original one?

It was just Luke. had to get to the Death Star and fight Darth Vader and save the world. It was so easy. And they just filled it up with so much magic. And now it's like, cut to this, cut to that, B story, C story, D story. And all of them are just people crying and being emotional and all the soap opera shit. I mean, I got to tell you, if I was a 13-year-old kid, I wouldn't go. The thing that made it magic for me when I was a kid is it was action, it was fun, it was monsters, it was, it was like reading a comic book.

And now it's like reading a freaking soap opera. It blows. I can keep going on for another hour, by the way. I'm going to stop because I just, I'm too aggravated. And you guys are being, okay, we get it. You didn't like it. Shut up. But that's the way I am, man.

And I pick movies apart. And this one is just such a shame to see such a beautiful franchise, just bastardized and made into a pile of crap. Now, that being said, I'm not going to take away from all the hard work that the people, everybody did, the special effects, the actors, the, you know, everyone. I'm not going to deny anyone the hard work because I know that's not easy. But my motto is if you're going to do all the hard work, show up with a good product. Don't you dare show up with dinner to the table and it's cold and mushy and unacceptable to eat?

You better show up with a primo fucking banquet, okay? I didn't show up at Denny's for dinner. I showed up at, you know, Ruth Chris Steakhouse. I want you to feed me a fucking feast. I don't want lukewarm, microwaved turkey stuffing. It's just sad. It's just so sad. So there you go.

There's my rant. And believe me, there's a lot of other stuff I could have said. And I don't have time. I just don't have the energy for it. And I hate to sound like a, like a, like a, like a, like a Debbie Downer. And Mr. Negative, that's not what I'm being, man. I'm looking at this from an artistic, cinematic, uh, perspective. I'm trying to, in this, in this negative analysis, I'm trying to stand up for the art of cinema.

I'm trying to, to, uh, you know, stand behind the world of, of, of, of, striving to do great cinematic work. And I just feel like so many filmmakers and so many studios have lost the art. They don't know how to do it. They don't know how to get there anymore, but they're all pretending that it's great. And if you look at the numbers for this Star Wars movie,

it's made like half a billion dollars domestically. And this is their stamp of approval. They're like, great, we're doing it right. We got it. We got the recipe. be where everyone loves it but they don't we hate it and you guys better wake up and you you know if you're content feeding a shit because you know it's not like we can just uh go uh pick star wars movies off a shelf at a at a supermarket the only way we can watch a new star wars movie is if

you make it for us there's no other options so we kind of have to go and uh You know, it would behoove you idiots to maybe take the time to do it right and move on and get rid of the old characters and give us what we deserve. Oh, I wish I ran the studios. Anyways, there you go, my rant. And I hope in some way that my rant helps you get some of your frustration out. I hope you're sitting there going, yes, yes, that's, yes. Or maybe you're like, oh, God, Harlan shouldn't go near the movie theaters.

He's crazy. Oh, oh, oh. But thank you for your call, and I think, well, we've got to leave it there. Look, we're almost at an hour-long show, for God's sakes. Holy smokes. What? Oh, really?

Okay, well, I thought we were done, but apparently Mr. Bubbles is back on the line and he wants to sing one more song. Okay, put them through. Yay, that's a better way to end the show. From negative to positive. Uh, let's, let's, Brod, is he there now? Okay, put him on, Mr. Bubbles. Her name was Lola. She was a show girl. Mr. Bubbles? Quiet, I'm singing. But that was 50 years ago.

Then Lola had a show now with the Shasha. Oh, Mr. Bubbles. Quiet, I'm singing, Mr. Wool. Oh, we love a Copa, Copacabana, hottest club night of Havana. Oh, we love this song, the Copa Cabana. Shut the fuck up, Mr. Williams, I'm singing. Sorry, Mr. Bubbles. At the Copa, they fell in love, Copa, Copa, Copacabana, they fell in love.

Oh, that was so good, Mr. Bubbles. I'm not finished. His name was Rico. He was a Wawa. The name got sounding every mare. Are you making bubble noises, Mr. Bubbles? I certainly am. I'm mixing it in with the lyrics, Mr. Williams.

Oh, what a treat. Thank you, Mr. Williams. At the co-ball. Oh, Mr. Bubbles. Go suck a seaweed salad, bitch. What the hell was that at the end? Did he just say go suck a seaweed salad, bitch? Holy smokes, Mr. Bubbles is unpredictable.

Wow. Stay tubular, bro. Man, alive. What a crazy ending to the show. But we got to end it there. We're out of time. We got like an encore Mr. Bubbles performance there. That's a treat.

Got a little edgy towards the end, but boy, oh boy. Thank you for all your phone calls, the Star Wars and all that stuff, the podcast advice, all that stuff. You want to leave me a phone call. 323-739-43330. 3-2-3-739-43-30. Or you can write me at Harland-Williams. We have a contact link, and you can email me directly.

I might read your email, or if you want to phone me, the numbers at harlunewilms.com as well. I might play your phone call or I might read your email. You've got to be in it to win it, baby. But we always love hearing from you, and thanks again for calling in. Also, while you're at harlomwilums.com, check out our store. We have all kinds of new t-shirts in there, hand-drawn t-shirts that I, I drew myself, right on the shirt. We also have my new comedy download available,

Harland Williams Crowd Control, number four. This is a, it's only $3. It's an hour-long download where it's all me working the crowd live at comedy clubs all over the country. It's all like heckling and back and forth and just, it's a whole lot of fun if you like the art of instant. spontaneous, you know, spontaneous improvisational comedy. It's just me on stage going at it.

We also have a digital download of one of my short stories. Really cool Twilight Zone like short stories for sale. You can download it and listen to it while you drive or while you're walking. A very compelling story. You're probably thinking, oh, it's probably funny and silly and comedic, but it's actually kind of dark and dramatic. and it's a side of me that maybe you didn't know that I had, but it's called the Time Machine Garden Hose,

and you can download it on the books page or on the homepage of the Harlan Williams.com website. Also, don't forget to get our app. We have a free app on your telephone app store. Just type in the Harlan Highway. You get the 50 latest episodes of the podcast free. And if you want to become a premium member, and get all the episodes we've ever done, $20 a year.

And it gets you special updates, special segments. You get to hear stuff before everyone else does, that type of bonus material. So for 20 bucks a year and 1,000 episodes, that's a pretty sweet deal there, bro. And what else? What else could I tell you? I think that's it.

Please tell your friends about the Harland Highway. way podcast we love everyone to hear and uh we appreciate the year here so that's it for today hope you had a good time uh thank you and until next time chicken chamein baby don't suck a seaweed salad bet stay tubular bro Thank you.