The Harland Highway - 933 - The WHITE TRASH OSCARS. Carl Flavors calls the show. CRAZY news story.

Episode Date: March 5, 2018

The White Trash OSCARS features winners of the dumbest news stories. Crazy news story about body parts. CARL FLAVORS calls from the beach. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, welcome to the Harland Highway Ladies and Gurgle Glargens podcast. I'm Harlan Williams, your host. And not only hosting the podcast today, but also we are hosting the Oscars. Not the Oscars that you're watching tonight or you watched yesterday or whenever you listen to this. We are hosting the Harland Highway White Trash Oscars at the end of the show. Oh, my God, wait to you hear some of the nominees. of the incredible categories. The winners of the white trash Oscars here on the Harland Highway, unbelievable.

What a lineup of talent, what a show we're going to have. So stick around. You don't want to miss that towards the end of the show. We've also got phone calls from you listeners. We've got a crazy, crazy question, not question news story, crazy news story. And it involves someone pulling a piece of their body off. them like really creepy and weird and crazy it's almost hard to talk about but we got to it's the harlot highway podcast then uh to try and help us shake the winter blues we're going to check

in with our man at the beach carl flavors who kind of lives the beach bum life he lives a lifestyle i think we we all wish we could emulate and here at the podcast we kind of vicariously live through carl flavors so we'll be getting a call from him it's all happening The White Trash Oscars. Let's go. This is the Harland Highway. I have an announcement to me. You're about to go down the Harland Highway.

Lock the door. I don't want to be a product of my environment. Shut up. I want my environment to be a product of me. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. So, put off the fuck to get off this phone. I can get you off. Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself.

Ha! You're a cantalove. Tideon. All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway show. I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk, I can stand myself. Keep bleeding on that tutor, Charlie, and you're going to get a shot. Shot in the mouth.

Act like a man. What's the matter with you? I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit and you know it. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird.

Wow. That's strange stuff. Yeah, let's kick it off with a crazy news story. Gergo Blurgens and Schnurgo Glurgens and schnergo gneengin. This headline is just, you know, that's why we call them crazy news stories. They're just crazy. But here's the headline. You ready? Woman rips out eyeball.

Then goes to church. Of course. I mean, you got to have something to put in the collection dish, right? Here, have an eyeball. I'm all out of change. Will you take an eyeball? Will the Lord accept my left eyeball? I'm a little light on the wallet this week.

Here's the story, unbelievable. A young woman was flown to Greenville by medical helicopter after an eye injury outside the South Maine Mercy Chapel in Anderson on Tuesday. Church officials said the traumatic event shook up people there and there will be prayer for the young woman they're saying. So here's what the witness is saying. They're saying a witness said a woman ripped out her eyeball, then went to a South Carolina church on Tuesday.

What the... How do you even rip out your eyeball, ladies and gentlemen? I want you to all try right now. Ready? Everybody, grab your eyeball and try and rip it out. I mean, holy God. First of all, you got to have nails, like really. long nails to cut the flesh around your eye socket.

And then there's no way you're getting it out cleanly. Like you're not just going to go and pull out like a nice round eyeball. Like if you're ripping your eyeball out, you're probably like squishing it up and mangling it. Oh, God. The sheriff said it received a call about a woman holding her own eyeball. Deputies respond to the church and a medical helicopter or transported the woman away from the scene. The Reverend Terry Mitchell, or a triad minister who helped her,

said the woman ripped out her eyeball by some nearby railroad tracks, then went to church. I mean, talk about being, we've all missed our train before, right? I mean, you get angry, you kick a can down the tracks, you throw a soda can. but, you know, you don't have to rip your eyeball out, ladies and gentlemen, okay? I mean, holy God. The reverence said they helped the woman,

and it looked like she was in her late teens or her early 20s. She was on her knees and struggled against people who were trying to help her get treatment. Well, maybe she wasn't struggling against you. Maybe she just couldn't see you. Maybe you came around the wrong side of her head, see, because one side of her head has no eye. So if you'd gone around the other side, maybe she wouldn't have been so freaked out. Another detective said the sheriff's office came to assist emergency medical workers, but there was no crime involved.

Members of the church were huddled inside and receiving counseling. For the tragedy. Quote, we are certainly traumatized by this tragic event. We are a strong community, and we would continue to help. Yeah, you know, I think I'd probably be traumatized, too. If, you know, someone, you know, walked into church and, you know, pulled their eyeball out. I mean, just the things people do So there you go

Just a little crazy news story To start off the show And Wow Keep your eyes on your fries, gang Hello Hello Hey Harland

This is Soda Just listening to your podcast the other day I saw this number I thought I'd give it a try I was thinking about the episode with the artificial intelligence becoming God and people being forced to worship the AI. Just an interesting thought that came to mind. If you could imagine a computer like that that had that artificial intelligence

that was powerful enough to become a god or become powerful enough, for people to worship. Say it became so powerful, let's say, for example, that it actually became a god or had the equivalent powers of a god. And then eventually, if you could imagine that same computer, this is the thought I had to add on to it,

had the ability to time travel. So then you had a God being was created and then could time travel back to the beginning of our universe hence that could be

the explanation of any existing God that currently is in our universe one that was created through artificial intelligence and then learned to time travel came back

and then continued to guide you know the whole structure of the universe after that so you have basically a god being that is also all powerful but also throughout all time

anyway just a weird thought that I had anyways love the podcast and a huge fan of your stand-up I just had a weird thought for you and I saw this number and I just thought I'll give it a try and send that talk to you. Anyways, all the best, and have an awesome next podcast. No, hey, man, that wasn't weird.

That was cool, man. I actually really dug that phone call because, you know, you kind of took it to another layer. You know, like you kind of took it up to another level or something. the whole time travel at first i was a little confused but then as i kind of started listening closer to what you were saying i was like this is very interesting like technology that becomes so powerful artificial intelligence that becomes a god and then it becomes so powerful and so technologically advanced that it could travel into the future and then set up this moment that we're having now or something i mean it

Whatever you configured there is I like it, man. I like it that you're thinking. I'm liking that you're adding layers to the onion. I'm liking it that you're getting in deep. And who knows, it could be a valid theory, a valid thought of a valid premise. I'm telling you.

Why not? You know, even Albert Einstein himself said that time travel was possible. And he weren't no dummy. So, you know, the concept of a god being so intelligent that it could go into the future and set up the past and da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-de. I mean, come on, we've got to get back to the future, Marty. But I like it. great phone call. Thank you so much for calling and can keep it coming, man. I like these deep thought theories about artificial intelligence and where it's all going

and God and creation and the end of days. And it's very stimulating. And it's fascinating to see how people's minds work. You know, it sounded like by your phone call, you're kind of, you know, just kind of throwing it away and saying, oh, it's just a little. weird thought I had it but no it's not weird it's it's it's brilliant in a way and this is what we want we want people stimulated by by things and then responding and thinking deeply about them so thank you thank you uh keep it coming man keep those keep those those those brain cells

rocking baby i uh dig it thank you for the call if you want to call and leave it any of your wild theories. Here's the number, gang. 323-739-433-30. 323-739-433-30. And you can also find that number on the harlandwiliams.com website. And give us a call, man.

Leave us a message. We'd love to hear from you. And speaking of calls, Roger, we have... Is he calling in? from the beach? Okay, cool. So we have a guy down, you know, he lives the beach life. And I guess I kind of like him on the show because I envy this guy.

It's a guy named Carl Flavors. And he's a real beach dude. He's like a bohemian. He's like a surfer dude. And he just has such a carefree lifestyle that, man, I kind of envy it. I think we all might be a little jealous of this guy. And he calls in. just kind of grill him on what's going on in his life.

And it's always, sounds like he's always just having a party down at the beach. And so I thought, you know, it's February. It's March. It's cold. It's winter's still hanging around. And maybe a guy down at the beach can help warm our souls a little bit. So you got him, right, Raj? Okay?

Good. All right. Let's put them through, gang. We're going to have a little chit-chat with our man, Carl Flavors. down in Venice Beach, California. Go ahead, Raj, patch him in. Hello, Carl. Are you there, buddy? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your

life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com.

This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. This is a true story. It happened right here in my town. One night, 17 kids woke up, got out of bed, walked into the dark, and they never came back.

I'm the director of Barbarian. A lot of people die in a lot of weird ways. You're not going to find it in the news because the police covered everything all up. On August days. This is where the story really starts. Carl? Yo, what's up, Brosh? Yeah, there he is.

There he is. Hey, Carl, it's Harlan Williams at the Harlan Highway. Oh, what's up, Bruce, up. What's going on, British? Doing great, man. Doing great. How's your new year kicking in? We thought we'd just call down and see how life is at the beach.

Oh, Brosh. It is like Oxel. bros okay well what what's been going on carl well you know the flames always like out in the waves right yeah we know you love to surf right yeah we got we know you love surfing and you know in order to surf the place has got to be on the beach right yeah the beach and leads to the water of course well you know the other day the flames was out at a new beach bros you have to have to have Oh, she, oh, she's a hush? What, what, nude beach?

Oh, man, it was oxalind bra. I mean, you know, everyone's walking around naked, you know, unfortunately a lot of the dudes are naked, you know. You know, the Flaves likes the waves. He doesn't necessarily like to see, you know, a sea cucumber flapping around, you know. Well, I think we know what you mean by sea cucumber. Yeah, like giant cock. Okay, yes. We got it with the C-cucumber thing.

Okay, well, it sounded like he did like a follow-up to it, and, you know, the flies were just trying to, you know, you communicate what he was trying to elaborate. Okay, well, so okay, so you're walking around on the nude beach. There's nude men, there's nude... Tasties, of course. I mean, everywhere you look, there's tasties, right, Josh? Well, yeah, you mean tasties like nude-nude women?

Oh, brosch, I mean, I haven't seen that many tits since, you know, I fell off my uncle's fucking forehead. You know what I'm saying? Well, no, I... What do you mean? You fell off your uncle's forehead? Oh, it's just like I say, we sit down at the beach, bros, yosios, ohio, oh, she, oh, she owes. Okay, so you saw a lot of breasts... Brows, have you ever seen, like, you know, most women, most of the tasties have, like, you know,

have a pretty normal size like areola. Well, okay, ariola, yes. But then like Brasca, every now and then, it's like you'll see a tasty that's got aerolai. It looks like literally like somebody put a coffee cup on the end of their tent, and it left like a big ring around their nipple. Okay, you know, some women just have a bigger ariola. I know, but the size of a fucking beer model.

Ross, I mean, I feel like, you know, there's a giant panda coming out of the bamboo, you know, charging the Flaves or something. Well, they're not panda eyes, Carl. They're just overly large areola. Oh, I'm boss, but I'm just saying it's, you know, it's kind of frightening, man. Well, everyone's built different. Can we leave it at that? So can we just get, what, anything fun happened at the nude beach? Well, you know, it was a great day. The Flaves was out. out in the waves, of course, right? And, you know, I was looking at all the taste. He's hanging out, having a few frost oleolios.

What was that? A frost oleolio, bro. What is a frost oleolio? Oh, dolebro, Shep the O's. It's like an ice-cold beer right out of the keg, brash. Oh, okay, a beer. What did you call it? A frosty-oli-oleo, bro.

Well, okay. Okay, so you threw back a few beers. Right, and then I got in the fucking Volkswagen van, because the Flaves fucking got hungry, right? And I'll be honest, bro. I had a little bit of a buzz riding, you know. There was like a buzz riding the waves in my head. Oh, geez.

You know you shouldn't be driving drunk, okay? Well, the Flaves wasn't hammered, okay? I wasn't like 52 tits to the wind, brooch, okay? I said I got a little buzz on, all right? I wasn't deep fried or nothing. Well, still, even a little buzz is not, that's a public safety concern, Carl. Oh, you don't need to lecture the Flaves, okay?

I did get what I deserve, it turns out. Oh, so what do you mean? You were pulled over? Well, not exactly, right? The Flaves got kind of hungry from, you know, volleyballing on the beach and looking at the tasty, And, you know, throw them back some frosty osiose eyes, right? Okay, so you had a busy day at the beach.

You got hungry, and... Well, the Flavs got in his Volkswagen Vinny Van, right? And I was like, I've got to get my ass to that Scottish place. You know, where they make the Scottish food, bro? What do you mean Scottish food? You know, they have lots like a... I mean, you know, Scottish. Like, it's like a, you know, um...

Mac Mac McDonald's? Bingo, bros, bingo under the eye, bro, shuffios. Okay, it's not Scottish food. It's just, you went to McDonald's. Well, that's like a Scottish name, isn't it, bro, Jofios? Well, yes, but it doesn't mean it's the, it's not Scottish food, it's American food. Well, it's bros, I go to this Scottish place, right, to get to. some delicious Scottish food.

I'm going through the drive-thru, right. I'm in the Volkswagen van, right, and I'll get up to the window, and, you know, like I said, bro, and I was carrying a little bit of a buzz in my bag. Okay, you mentioned you were a little bit drunk. Right, and you know when you pull up to the drive-thru window brush, and you're supposed to pull up, like, real close, well,

it looks like the Flaves miscalculated, and, you know, I was like, you may be three, four feet off of the window, brooch. Okay, that's common. You know, even people that aren't drinking, you know, tend to sometimes pull out too far from the window where the server is. Right, and so, you know, when that happens, you have to stretch, right? You have to stretch and, you know, hand the money and receive your Scottish food, right? It's not Scottish food, Carl.

Okay, it's McDonald's. Oh, it sounds Scottish to me, Johnny Bagpipes. Okay, it's Scott. You're getting the Scottish food, and you had to reach, you had to overly extend yourself to give them the money. Right, bro, and you know, what happened is when the Flaves got in his Volkswagen van from the Nudy Beach, guess what?

The Flaves was having so much fun in the Waves. The Flaves forgot to put it. his clothes on, right? Oh, wait a minute. Now, you went through the drive-thru in the buff? Well, I didn't know I was in the buff, I was, like, you know, sitting in my seat, listening to some grooving tins,

and when I reached out to get the money, uh-oh, I guess what kind of sagged out of the side window of the old Volkswagen van Broshosh. Wait a minute. So you were hanging out of the window of your, of your, Volkswagen van. Right, and when the Flavs got up and hung out the window,

it looks like his little friend hung out the window too, bro. What do you mean your little friend, Carl? Well, he's not exactly little, I shouldn't say that, but you know, my man package fell out the window, Roche. Well, wait a minute, so

you were parked so far from the window that you had to lift your body up, out of, through the window. And my meat patty, like, flopped right out of the freaking, you know, Vogue's wagon van, and landed, chuck this out, brooch, landed right in the drive-thru window. Holy shit, man. What, wait a minute. I'm going to use the more technical term. Are you saying your penis flopped out of the car and landed on the drive-thru window thingy there?

That's right, bros, and guess what? S-L-A-M. What is that? Slam, broush. Yeah, like the Zit-Face chick who's working the drive-thru, slammed my Peter Peckers, got a pimple-peck of pickle-peckers right in the drive-thru window. Holy shit, man.

It was like a coyote stepping into a steel trap. I screamed like a little Chinese schoolgirl getting hit in the nuts with a field hockey stick. Okay, Carl Gert Schoolgirls don't have nuts. Well, they did all that day, Brosh, and holy shit, she opened it and then closed it again. She was yelling like, snake, snake, you know, like... They thought there was a snake coming in the window. That's right, bros, but all it was was my electric eel getting slammed in the jam fram.

What? Getting slammed in the fram jam, bros, right? Oh, God. So how many times did they slam your thing in the drive-thru window? Oh, bro. It had to be like 30 or 40. I mean, if you were to look at my, you know, package right now, it looks a lot like somebody went Rodney King on my nuts.

What is Rodney King? Oh, bro. I swear, Brosh, if you were in my bedroom and you were staring down at the Flaves, you know, Wacketoodle. uh it looks like 14 cops with tommy clubs that were beating the shoot out of my man beef man because you know my sausage roll is black it is blue it is puffed up i mean it looks like somebody ran over one of those bald cats on the highway bro chef the a shiosh it looked are you saying your wiener looks like somebody ran over one of a bald cat on the highway

Oh, bro. Like, I'm almost thinking to get the cast put on it, but unfortunately, you know, the Flaves is having a threesome later tonight, so, you know, I'm hoping the swelling goes down. Wow, Carl, that's... This is, uh, quite the story. You're telling me, bro, Shepios.

I mean, holy shit, it looks, you know, have you ever seen, like, you know, when you see an egg roll at, like, Penn Express, or, like, you know, your favorite Chinese... restaurant. It's all like bumpy and brown and shit. Okay. Yeah, well, that's what you get if you were to whip down the Flaves

pants right now. You'd get a dinner number five egg roll slapping you right in the face brush up your ass. Okay, well, you know, I think I think maybe we'll end it there, Carl, because it's just getting a little bit too

graphic for my audience. Well, it's not my fault man, that I went through the drive-thru Nakedio. Well, Nakedio, next time put some clothes on. All right, Bras. Gee, thanks for the big tip.

You know, why don't you come down here and put some ice on my pecker? Carl, let's keep it civil. I just phoned to check it out. We're sorry for your accident. I hope you're okay. And we'll talk to you again soon, okay, Carl.

All right, Brosh. And if you want to come down for the threesome later tonight, We're going to be at the Motel 6 right by the beach. Just listen for the room that's rock, rock, rock, rocking, knock, knock, knock, and all right, bros. Okay, thank you, Carl. Right. Yeah, right. Thank you, Carl.

Okay, bro, I've got to go put some lemon juice and fucking mayonnaise on my Willie Wonka because it's really, I think it's starting to blister, bro. Okay, go take care of it. Thank you, Carl. All right, peace out. Happy fucking fling dance, brouss, all right. Holy geez. I mean, that's... You know, we always call down there hoping to hear some good stories

and kind of live through Carl Flavors, but, you know, I liked it. Is he gone? Good. I got to say, I like the nude beach stuff. That sounds fun. You know, volleyball. and margaritas and everyone running around naked. That sounds liberating and fun, but

geez, when this guy got to the drive-thru, it sounded like a torture chamber session. Just slamming, and he's hanging out, and he's screaming, and there's, oh, my God. So anyways, there you go. Hopefully part of that story warmed your bones during these cold winter months, and I'm sure we'll check in with Carl Flavors again, soon down in Venice Beach, but

for now, let's just keep moving on down the Harland Highway. Yeah, baby. La, la la. Oh, yes, yes. Tonight is the big night Oscars.

Woo! Yay! Paray! Yeah. I'm over. the Oscars man I'm telling you I used to I used to find the Oscars intriguing and fun and enchanting and and charming and entertaining and all these wonderful words and you know as a guy who's in the entertainment industry who's an actor and a comedian and I write you know

movies and I write TV shows and I create for the industry I tell you man I will not be watching I can't watch award shows anymore it kicked in like uh in the last couple of years two three years ago I just cannot stand that they're not the shows aren't about the Oscars and filmmaking anymore now they're about people spewing their their political opinions and their hatred and their vileness and their their mockery and their I mean it's just I find it disgusting. Whether it's about George Bush, whether it's about Donald Trump, whether it's about Obama, which it rarely is about anyone on the Dem side, but even when it's about them, I'm disgusted. It's like, I don't want to hear about it. It's a show about the film industry.

I want to hear about the film industry. I'd like to hear Merrill Streep get up and give a speech and talk about her process as an actress. What does she do? How did she get to that a place that makes her so good what are some of her stories what are her struggles what are some of her experiences what are what are her likes and dislikes about the industry what would she where would she like to see it go and I'm talking from all actors but I just cannot watch this this this horrible three-hour four-hour show where all these pretentious people get up and and try to tell the rest of us in the country

how we should think, what we should feel, who's good, who's bad? I mean, these morons get up there and just stroke each other. Everyone in that room pretty much is of the same group-think mindset. It's almost like watching a cult having their annual dinner.

I mean, no matter what anyone says, they all clap together like mindless robots. And I really don't think they're that sincere. I mean, some of them are, but I think the majority of them are like, let's see how more socially conscious I can be than everyone else. Let's see how much I care about humanity and all the issues more than you. I'll get up there and just let everyone know how socially aware I am. It's like, you know what, let me see you out in the poor communities

shoveling garbage out of the street or helping people who need a helping hand. Let me see you over in Africa, you know, taking down some poachers who are shooting the last white rhino that exists. Let me see you installing solar panels. Let me see you at a woman's battery rape crisis center consoling people. Let me see you at a hospital. Let me see you do something. Instead of just being up there and telling us how horrible the rest of us are because we don't think like you.

I can't take it, man. Lost is the whole meaning of the Oscars, which was to celebrate the talented people who are actors, writers, writers, directors, cinematographers, actresses. I mean, what happened to that? That's what we want to see. See? I don't watch the Super Bowl to find out about ant colonies or the migration habits of zebras. I want to see football. I want to see the Super Bowl.

You know? I don't watch a nature show to find out about President Nixon's gardening skills. I want to see a nature show. I don't tune into the Oscars to find out about society. I don't tune into the Oscars to find out about politics. I tune in because it's like, oh, here's four hours where we have access to these very reclute, you know, kind of reclusive people who are incredibly talented and offer us so much in our lives. And I want to know about them and the process and filmmaking and all that stuff. But instead, we get all this crap, so I'm out.

man, and I've got my own Oscars. How about this? How about the Harland Highway White Trash Oscars? Although not everyone in the white trash Oscars has to be white. We've got Asian, we've got African American,

we've got Latino, we've got everything. But white trash is just kind of the banner we hang over because I think we all know white trash is kind of that, you know, that goofy sect of society. that is just kind of like has no filter, right?

And they're great people. I got nothing against them. I think they add a lot of character and humor to our society, but they're kind of this group of people that kind of have a different filter than the rest of us. And sometimes they say things that are, you know, without a filter. Or they're not well thought out. Or maybe sometimes they're not, they aren't that educated.

But that's okay. It takes all kinds to build an army, right? And so tonight, for the Harland Highway White Trash Oscars, we celebrate some of the best. Oh, yeah. These are some of the best. These are some great performances taken from news clippings. And I think we should just get right into it with the first contender.

let's go let's let's see what we got here here here we go this is our first winner for the harland highway Oscars this is the acceptance speech for a kid a little kid who was at a zombie face painting festival and he wins for for best answer to a zombie question back here live at the waterfront village with my friend the zombie Jonathan your look Looking good. Jonathan just got an awesome face paint job. What do you think? I like turtles. All right. You're great zombie. Good times here at the Waterfront Village. Oh, yes. What a performance. I like turtles. Oh, what an incredible. Wow. Best answer for a kid painted as a zombie at a zombie festival. I like turtles. Awesome. Next category. This is winner.

for best response to a news team for a woman who somehow was involved or survived a house fire. Let's go. Here we go. Well, I woke up to go give me a cold pop. And then I thought somebody was barbecue. I said, oh, Lord, Jesus, it's a fart. Then I ran out. I didn't grab no shoes or nothing, Jesus.

I ran for my life. And then the smoke got me. I got bronchitis. Ain't nobody got time for that. Wow. Okay. What we do have time for is you. What a performance.

Oh, my God. I said, oh, Lord, Jesus, it's a fart. Wow. Okay. Unbelievable. Let's get to our next category. Oh, here we go. The winner for best news answer for having your hamburger sucked out of your hand in a tornado.

that's right hamburger taken from you in a tornado here we go the winner is I was scared I often eat a hamburger it took it I don't even know where it's it

It took your hamburger out of your hands And drink I don't know where is it Wow hamburger fries and drink Wow oh my God What a what a performance What a Very Oscar worthy Very Oscar worthy

Okay let's get to our next White Trash Oscars category where we're racking up some real winners here what do we got here we go oh this one looks good this one uh the white trash Oscar for taking someone's koran uh taking off with somebody's koran and the winner is he snuck up behind him and took his koran he said something about burning the koran i was like dude you have no koran and ran off woo woo what did you see it you have no koran and ran off you have no koran dude you have no koran dude you have no korean dude you have no korean dude you have no

All right. Our next category, this is a new category this year. We've never had this one at the Harland Highway White Trash Oscars. This is the best category and the winner for vacuum cleaner body parts. And this is a wonderful performance. You're going to love this from a news interview. Vacuum cleaner body parts winner. Well, the police wouldn't let me go through 120 seconds so I had to go around 119th and go and I was they let me look at the the lawyers building I know the vacuum cleaner man he's seen my tits I know that's not going on TV but it's true it's true I'm not here to lie to you wow unbelievable that just the the conviction the the vacuum cleaner man senior tits category brand new and just

stolen. Wow, stolen by that performance. Let's keep going. We got a few more categories here for the Harland Highway White Trash Oscars. Let's see what our next category is. Here we go. Oh, this is a favorite. This is a favorite every year. Everyone's dying to see who wins this one. This is the Oscar goes to for Best Interview regarding how you're going to sleep after a outage after the power being out and you being hot and uncomfortable oh boy this this is a real way to you this one's us this one got hit right over the wall here we go Oscar for best response to dealing with the the the heat wave and the horrible horrible power outages how's it feel to get the power restored

it's been five days has boy it's a I'm so bad the power come back on because I was burning up. La Mossa Pace said she was thrilled to see all the power trucks rolling down her street, South military. The whole street was lined up with them cherry pickers and all the crew. You said, hallelujah. I go like, hot dog, look at that. Boy, look that thing. And five long, hot days and nights.

After Saturday storm, Del Rey has power for the first time. How well are you going to sleep tonight? You bet I'm going to sleep like a baby. Drink me some good old cool. and drank me some cool big jug or ice or Kool-A and go to sleep like a baby. Wow, unbelievable. Just heart-wrenching, moving. What a performance. I mean, you get goosebumps just hearing it. Just emotional to hear the horror, the trauma that she went through and then the way she resolved dealing with this horrible moment in her life.

And drank me some cool, some big jug or ice or cooling. and go to sleep like a bay. Wow, just almost, I need a box of Kleenex almost. We're down to our last two categories. Our second last category, oh, always a favorite. We're always dying to see who wins this category at the Harland Highway White Trash Oscars. Oh, boy, this is the best news interview answer

for a very mystifying question. Do you believe in UFOs? What do you think? Do you believe in UFOs? Oh, yeah, yes, sir. Definitely. They're out there, man. I've seen them. I've been out there Aurora, Texas. They've got them little graves and stuff. Yeah, I've been out there and, I don't know, I'm planning a trip. I'm planning a trip. We're going out to like Arizona or something and figure something out. Or not Arizona. What was it? Yeah, it was Arizona, right? Air Force One where they found all that stuff. I got pictures of Aurora. I've seen grave sites. They're out there, man. and I'm flying in the plane.

I'm always hallucinating, but who really knows what I'm looking at? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Okay. Well, but there's no proof of this. Just people's accounts. You're right.

There's no proof. But, I mean, there's no proof of Jesus or, you know, people go in the restroom until they tell you about it. You know what I mean? I mean, that's just kind of the way I see things. All right. So you believe it then?

Oh, definitely. Definitely. Do you think there's, like, little green men out there? No little green men, sir. No? Well, what do you think there is out there? Who knows, dude? They could be made of water.

I don't even know. Water? Water, man. You heard the man. Water. They could make, made of anything. Extrrestrial. Extraterrestrial, you mean?

That extraterrestrial. Extraterrestrial. Extraterrestrial. There you go. Wow, extraterrestrial. Wow. Just, oh my. What an otherworldly performance.

No wonder that guy won. The Oscar for White Trash, Harland Highway White Trash, do you believe in UFOs? And that brings us to our final, final category, our big final winner tonight for the Harland Highway White Trash Oscars. And this one goes to the best answer for a pervert rapist, lurking in your neighborhood. Here we go, this is the big one.

Let's play the winner. I was attacked by some idiot from out here in the projects. Dodson says her attacker used a garbage can to climb onto the unit's ledge, open the upstairs window, and then he got in bed with her. He tried to write me. He tried to pull my clothes off. Dodson struggled with her attacker, knocking over items in her bedroom. Antoine Dodson heard his sister scream and ran to help.

Well, obviously we have a rapist in Lincoln Park. He's climbing in your windows. He's snatching your people up trying to rape him so y'all need to hide your kids, hide your wife, and had your hugs because they're raping anybody out here. The attacker got loose and went out the upstairs window, but he did leave something behind. We got your t-shirt and your left finger prints and all. You are so dumb. You are really dumb, for real.

A crime scene investigator photographed and dusted for prints on the lid of the garters. garbage can and the window pane and ledge. Dodson says he's never seen the perp before, but sends this warning to whoever is responsible. You don't have to come and confess that you did. We're looking for you. We're going to find you. I'm letting you know that. So you can run and tell that, home boy. Oh, unbelievable. Wow. What a, what an award. season. What an award show. Just some unbelievable talent. Some unbelievable white trash nominees, some great white trash winners. And wow, what a, what a great show. What a great unbelievable award show. The way it should be, entertaining, fun. And just, you know,

Shining the light on the talent that deserves the light shone it on them. Shine it. Shown. Shiny. The talent that needs to be shiny, is what I'm saying. Have a feeling I'm going to win the White Trash Award next year. Yeah, I just realized I'm probably in the same league. So there you go.

We'll end the show with that. And I hope you had a great time on the show. thank you so much for listening. Hope you enjoyed the White Trash Oscars here on the Harlan Highway. If you want to leave any comments, observations, thoughts, you can reach me at harlemwilliams.com.

You can also phone me at 323-739-4330. We love getting your phone calls. 323-739, 43330. That number is on the website, harlomwilliams.com, as well as a link where you can write to me. There's a contact link where you can write an email. I read them all. I listen to all your voice messages,

the ones that I feel like I can do something with. I put on the show. So maybe you'll get on the show. Don't be shy. Don't be afraid. Get involved with your podcast, people. Also, don't forget to get the free app. for the Harland Highway.

It's available on your cell phone in your app store for free, 100% free. Just download it, and you can listen to the highway wherever you may be. You walk in the dog in the office, sitting in the park, at the drive-thru, wherever you go. You can't argue with free. You get the 50 latest episodes of the show, which is a lot. And then if you want the whole collection of these crazy big, fits. There's almost a thousand folks. We're coming up on almost 950 episodes. So for $20 a year, you get the whole back catalog. That's like 3,000 hours of listening and comedy and

stuff to fill your brain with. It's a great deal. And I also, just for the premium memberships who buy the $20 a year, diddly do, you can get special bonus features. Okay. I'm going to do little bonus things for you guys and put them up there. And if you're feeling generous and you really like what I do here and know that I'm one of the few podcasts that don't have sponsors, I don't annoy you with any sponsorship. If you go to Harlan Williams.com, there's a donation page. If you want to throw some money towards the podcast to help it cover its costs, keep it going. That's always appreciated. You could donate 50, You could donate $300.

You could donate $5. But anything helps to cover our nut over here at the production, right, Raj? Yeah, Roger, you know, Rogers coffee and donuts in the morning doesn't grow on trees, gang. So if you're enjoying what you're hearing and you feel like you want to help, you know, support what we do here, that would be greatly appreciated. just go to Harlan Williams.com right on the homepage, you'll see the donation, the toll booth for the Harlan Highway, and you can put in there whatever you want. And to those of you that have already donated, it means so much. Thank you. I really want to personally from my heart, thank you for your generous, generous donations. And I got to tell you, whether it's a dollar or

$100, it doesn't matter. I feel the same way about all of you, because I just, think it's incredible that people would would take the time and and uh you know just be generous enough to uh help out so thank you all you're you're it's great and the money yes the money does go to the podcast it does not go to it does not go to me going on a fishing trip or roger going to a day spa it does go right back into the podcast because we do have uh uh monthly uh overhead for everything we do and so it helps thank you um also what else um don't forget to check out puppy dog pals uh that's my animated show on the disney channel disney junior if you have kids you're going to love puppy dog pals kids are just going nuts for this show and if you really want to get involved

online i started a new twitter feed called uh at puppy pals bob puppy pals bob bob bob Bob is the owner of the puppies on the show Puppy Dog Pals. I do the voice of Bob, and I've been getting so much puppy dog pal stuff inundated into my regular at Harlan Williams' Twitter account that I thought, you know, I should dedicate a Twitter page just to people who want to talk about and share videos and pictures of the puppy dog pals. So at Puppy Dog Pals, please subscribe, and we do a lot of fun stuff over on that Twitter page. pictures and comments and videos and it's really cool man uh so there you go uh what else what else is going on uh let's see do i have any comedy gigs man i got to tell you it's it's been interesting i've been backing off the stand-up comedy a bit this year because i've been getting a lot of writing gigs i'm actually writing some feature films i'm writing a feature film for dreamworks uh animation

I'm writing a feature film for another studio. I'm working on creating some more animated series for, you know, hopefully Disney and Nickelodeon and all those people. So I've been doing a lot of writing. And so I haven't been on the road quite as much. But if you do want to see me, let's see what do I got here? Well, I'm going to be in Oxnard, Oxnard, California this week, actually, Wednesday, March the 7th.

I'll be in Oxnard, California at Levity Live. Great comedy club. I'll be headlining over there. And then later in March, March 23rd and 24th, I am going to be in Denver. Denver, Colorado at the Comedy Works. Yes. Great, great club.

And I love my Denverites. So check me out at the Comedy Works in Denver, Colorado. And then later in April, I'll be at the Comics, that's C-O-M-I-X, Comics Casino in, where, where is it? It's Hartford, Connecticut, I believe, at the big casino out there. Comics Casino, look it up online. And, yeah, man, that's all I got for the moment because I've been working on my writing and we're working on editing the Carmelcorn, the Pug stand-up comedy special. That's going to be out soon.

and all kinds of good stuff coming your way. So there you go. Thank you for being here. Thanks for listening. Please tell your friends to get on board with the Harland Highway podcast. We want to build our listening audience. And there you go. So thank you so much.

And until next time, everybody, chicken, chow, Maine, baby? You want to see my tits? Louis? Thank you.