The Harland Highway - 934 - AUNT RUTHY calls the show, also Professor Rutherford Grimes calls to discuss Oscar slump.

Episode Date: March 12, 2018

AUNT RUTHY calls the show, also Professor Rutherford Grimes calls to discuss the Oscar slump. Guns in Schools and things that piss us off! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the Harland Highway Podcast. How are you, my friends? Okay, that was a bit aggressive. How are you, everybody? Harland Williams here. You are riding down the Harland Highway. Welcome to the podcast. I am your hostess.

Yeah, I'm feeling feminine today, so I'm your hostess. Great show today. Professor Rutherford Grimes, a professor from Berkeley up in California, is going to be calling in to discuss the low-rated Oscars, the historically low-rated Oscars this year. I'll also be giving a little commentary on the low-rated Oscars. Also going to be talking about guns. We had a pavement-pounder call in talking about, you know,

the Florida shooting. We're going to do a bit of a follow-up on that and the gun problem and the school security problem and all that stuff. Yeah, crazy. And then also we had a pavement pounder call in, and she was like, man, I miss Aunt Ruthie. So I think we have a call from Aunt Ruthie, a voice message from Aunt Ruthie that we're going to be playing, see what she's up to. And then also we're going to have a Harlan gets pissed off episode. There's something that happens on my computer that really makes me angry.

And you're going to hear me rant about it all today. on Harland Highway podcast. This is the Harland Highway. I have an announcement to know. You're about to go down the Harland Highway. Lock the door. I don't want to be a product of my environment. Shut up.

I want my environment to be a product of me. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. Who do I have to fuck to get off this phone? I can get you off. Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantalup! Tideon! All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway Show!

I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk, I can stand myself! Keep leading on that tutor, Charlie, and you're gonna get a shot in the mind. in the mouth. Act like a man! What's the matter with you? I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams.

The rest is bullshit and you know it. Hello? Hello? Dude, you do what the fuck out the window. I mean, for my God, you're insane. It's so great. great. Thank you so much later. Well, I threw what the F out the window. Yes, I do that kind of every podcast,

but I'm not 100% sure. I know what segment you were referring to. So whatever it was, whatever made you laugh, that's fine with me. I don't know, I don't know what that was in reference to, but that was just one of the many pavement pounders that puts in a phone call to the Harland Highway hotline. And I'll take it, man. I just love it that something that I put on the show made you laugh. So good for you. Thank you.

And I'm glad, by the way, I'm glad you can laugh because I'm a little pissed off at something. and maybe I'm not in such a chirpy mood. Yeah, uh, yours truly, Harland is just a little bit pissed off. Don't piss me off. This is Harland Williams. And you're really pissing me off.

Oh, you're starting to piss me off, you little pigless son, bitch. You pissed me off. Shut up. You're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck, these fucking assholes, the fuck is their problem, man. Okay, you want to know what's pissing me off? Here it is.

Two little words. Well, let me ask you if you've ever heard these words before, okay? Taught he. Yeah, have you ever heard those words? T-O-T, that's one word. and then H.E. TOT-He. Have you heard them?

Have you seen them? Because I've seen them so much I want to scream. I want to smash my computer. You know what taut he is, ladies and Nurgl-Glurgens? Tott-he is supposed to be to-the. Okay, that's supposed to be the two words. Two-T-O, second word, T-H-E. but somehow when I write on my computer, when I write emails, when I'm writing letters, when I'm doing writing, I don't know what it is, I don't know if my fingers are dyslexic, I don't know if I'm moving too fast, if I'm not thinking right, but I always somehow read back my copy, and instead of saying to the, it says taught he.

You see what's happening here? I'm putting the T at the end of two, instead of putting the T at the beginning of the. And it is pissing me up. This is not something that just happens here and there. This happens almost every single time I write a damn thing on my computer. I'm so pissed off, Taut He. Tart he.

How would you even use that in a sentence? The tightrope walker found the cable to be very taut. he did taught he come on it's just oh it drives me nuts and i i don't know i don't know why i do it i don't know how i do it i don't think about doing it but it's like there's like a tot he elf somewhere and every time i go back and look at anything i wrote oh there's another one taught he there he is uh hey uh jim let's tot he to the mall later Uh, I think I'll, uh, you know, taught he to the car dealership. You know, what the hell?

Ugh. I'm thinking they just, maybe they should just make new words for the dictionary. You know, they're always putting new words in the dictionary. How about taught he? Oh, it's annoying. And while I'm at it, well, I'm riffing on the computer, okay? Yeah, that's me. I'm blaming it all on the computer.

It's not me, ladies and Nargled Nurgens. It's the computer. that's making me write Taught He. How about the caps button? How many times have I written a whole sentence, big, long, important sentence, and I look up at my screen, and boom, it's all in caps. And I'm like, oh, my God!

And then you've got to delete it, or you got to do something, you got to highlight it, you got to change it, you got like, oh, my God. why can't there be a little signal here's here's the next wave in computer genius okay let's have a little button that flashes or a little a little noise

so when you are going into capital mode okay on your on your computer when you're in higher case there's a little signal a little one because many of us stare down at our keyboard or we're staring at the wall or we're trying on a bikini. I don't know what we're doing when we're writing.

But a lot of the time I don't remember or I've accidentally hit the cap lock button and all of a sudden I've written like half of a letter in uppercase capitals. And I'm this close to tot heeing my computer to the garbage can. I'm going to taught he the computer into the garbage taught he

the English teacher taught he the boy in the back who was always quiet how to spell correctly now the fact that I'm using taught he in sentences is not making me happy so there you go that there's where I'm pissed off. I had to get it out of my system. The tot he. And by the way, I also, while I'm at it,

I'll throw this one in here. I put S's on the end of thank. Okay, instead of thank you, I very often somehow put an S on there. Thanks you. Thanks you very much. Like, why? Can there not be some kind of Siri? We've got Siri that talks about it. Can't Siri just come on and go, you're spelling like an idiot again, stupid? Oh, thank you, Siri. Don't you mean thanks you, stupid?

So there you go. That's it. I got it out of my system. Maybe Harlem Williams is no longer pissed off. One cheeseburger with everything coming up. Hello? Hello? Lauren, love your show.

I was just listening to your recent podcast and you're really upset about this Florida thing. And you think you got an answer. I don't think you got an answer. I think having security at the door, the guy with the big assault rifle, he's just going to walk up from his car from however he got dropped off at school,

wherever we got to school, and just start shooting. Shooting into the doorway, you take out the guards at the doorway, and you walk into the school and do your damage. We live in a country that loves their guns. As long as we got our guns, we got a few nuts out there. This is going to keep happening.

That's just the way it is. It's going to keep happening. There's nothing we can do about it. People are crazy. People have guns. They're going to do it. I wish I had an answer. I don't think we do.

The answer is hope and pray. You're not in the line of fire. That's the answer. But anyway, I think it's great you're trying to solve the problem. It's not a solution. It's just not. All right. Chicken chalmey.

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So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back. out. Okay. Thank you for the call. You know, as always, I respect everybody's point of view, everybody's opinion, but I'm also respectfully disagree, good sir. Uh, listen, to do nothing is not an option. To just hope and pray is not an option. If you do nothing, nothing happens. That's a mathematical equation. Nothing from nothing equals nothing. Nothing from nothing leaves nothing.

you got to do something if you want to be with me but in all seriousness there's there's a lot of things you can do okay let's take your point about if we had security guards at the front of the building okay and as you said the shooter walks up and blows away the security guards well god bless us we might lose a few security guards but guess what guns make a lot of noise and that's going to get a lot of attention and so you're going to see the shooter's shooting before he gets inside the building. And that's where the real problem is. Once the shooter's inside the building, it's like a minotrap in there, man.

It's pandemonium. People don't know what to do. They don't have any warning. So, you know, if you have guards out front, you know, there's probably not going to be a lot of barriers between a guard and the street. So the shooter's going to have to have to. to either have to hide in the bushes and sniper these guards, or he's going to have to come running out of a truck or a car guns ablazing. So at least maybe the guards will have a chance

to fire back. You also have to imagine that the guards are wearing bulletproof gear. So that could also be an inhibitor. That could give the guard more of a chance to shoot back. And if there's multiple guards, you know, plus if the guards have like a guard house or they've got some kind of concrete or steel barrier. I don't think we're just going to have a guard standing there, like, you know, looking like he's waiting for a bus. And so at least you have a barrier, okay? At least you've got one line of defense before they get into the school.

And I'm willing to bet that in at least 50% of the cases, if your predictions are true, maybe the shooters just blast right through these guards. but I bet 50% of the time they don't. And also, if they do start shooting up the guards, there's going to be a lot of gunfire because the guards are going to be shooting back, and that's going to attract the attention of everyone in the school. They'll run to the window.

They'll see them. It might give them time to lock the doors. It might give them time to put up barricades. It might give them time to hide. And then I dare say we equip the schools with a very simple storm shutter. Have you ever seen a storm shutter? They have them down in Florida for the hurricanes. You know what they are?

It's like a little garage door. And sometimes you see them on stores and in busy cities like Los Angeles and New York. There's these guards that come down. They roll down. They're on motors. They're motorized. And they just go, go, go, go, go, go, go. And they roll down in front of windows and doors and they're metal.

And a guy could shoot 500 holes in one. but he couldn't walk through it because all he can do is put holes in it. And so why can't we on the first floor of every school? See, I think I might have found a solution right here. If you can keep the shooter from getting in, you lower those shutters, those metal shutters, and the school's on lockdown.

Unless the shooter has a ladder and can get up to the second floor, you know what I'm saying? And again, that's only a solution if the shooter is spotted. But let's go into the school. Let's say the shooter gets into the school. What can we do? Is there a way we can put barricades on the doors? You remember what they did with the cockpit doors on 9-11?

Remember that? All of a sudden, they made impenetrable cockpit doors. They used to just be open willy-nilly. Anyone could walk in. That's what they did at 9-11. and the terrorists walked into the cockpit and commandeered the plane. Well, that's the same in a school. It's full of classrooms and doors.

And if they install an impenetrable door, which is foolproof to get open, and if the shooters really determine, see, the thing about these shooters, they like to keep moving, apparently, from everything I've seen, they like to just walk down the hall shooting, boom, boom. They don't just stop.

and stand there. And if they had a door that was bulletproof and bolted from the inside and was as secure as a cockpit door, well, they're not going to waste five minutes standing there just trying to shoot one door open. How hard is it to make those types of doors for the schools? And even if some of the kids maybe get caught in the hallway and they can't get into a classroom in time, well, I hate to be morbid, but I'd rather see 70,000. kids killed, then 75 kids killed.

You know what I mean? Like, if we're going to have deaths, let's try and limit it as much as we can, God willing. I don't want anyone to die. You know? So here's me just spitballing. I'm just making this up as I'm going, and already I've come up with some solutions. And if we sit there and take that attitude, well, there's nothing you can do.

There's nuts everywhere, and you're never going to stop the guns. Well, you're never going to stop the guns and the killers if you don't think about how you stop them. You know, we got people to the moon, baby. We've cured diseases. We've cured cancer. We've cured all kinds of things. We've created motorcycles and cars and fax machines and cell phones. And you're telling me we can't, the collective human race can't figure away how to shut down a school or somehow detect a shooter and stop him in his tracks?

I dare say to you, sir, that's the lazy man's way out to take the approach you just, you gave us. I think if we really wanted to solve it and you filled a hockey arena with the most brilliant minds in America, or in the world for a week, I bet they'd come out of there at the end of the week with 50 solutions. We're pretty smart, folks. We do dumb things, but we're pretty damn smart. I don't think it's impossible to figure out how to rig schools

and protect the schools and find ways to do it. Now, if you're just too lazy to do it, then that's on you. but the time for being lazy and making excuses and not doing anything is over because your kid could be next and you're right this country does love its guns and you know the only way you get rid of

the killing of guns is to get rid of all guns and is that ever going to happen? Hell no. You could make it illegal to own a gun and the government could go door to door and go give us your guns, us your guns, give us, do you think they're going to get all the guns? No. It's like anything in life. You can get anything you want in life if you sniff around for it. If you want prostitutes,

if you want drugs, if you want knives, if you want guns, if you want whatever you want, you can find it. So just, you know, there's no going back now. You know, I mean, every country on the planet has murderers and killers and you can't stop them. And as far as all this FBI stuff and profiling and we should have seen the signs and if you see something say, so that's all fine and dandy when you're looking in the rearview mirror. But humans are unpredictable. You don't know what they're thinking.

You could have a guy that posts a thing on Facebook and says, I'm a school shooter and do it. And you could have a guy that sits in the back of the science class and never back. and I, and everyone thinks she's a quiet little nerd, and he could show up one day. So even though I don't like the way the FBI and the police and all the authorities handled just because there was a million signs, they should have caught this guy. There's also whack jobs out there that don't have tell-tale signs. They're more clever, they're smarter, they're more evil, they're more conniving.

So you'll never get a handle on the human element of this deal. deviant behavior. So, listen, I'm a big fan of prayer. I agree with you when you say we should pray. I think we should pray. I believe in the power of prayer. But I also believe more in the power of ingenuity and inventiveness and precautionary measures. And come on, man, don't undersell yourself here.

We're human beings, man. You know, pick up a Rubik's Cube. You know, have you ever played with a Rubik's Cube? I bet you picked it up and go, man, I could never do this. You wiggle it around and you twitch the colors and you go, how the hell do people do this? I guarantee you, buddy, if you were locked in a room for a week, if you were putting a jail cell for a week, and they brought to your meals, you weren't tortured, it was you and the four walls, I bet you'd figure out how to do a Rubik's Cube in about a day.

maybe in a few hours. That's just the way we're wired, man. We figure stuff out. So don't tell me that there's nothing we can do, that we can't stop the shooting and we can't stop the dusts. You're right. We can't stop the people with the intent. We can't stop crazy people.

We can never, it's like I just said, you can't figure people out. But now that we know the pattern, now that we know the way this is done, now that we know the approach these shooters have, Now that we know they have a very simple in and out point, now that we know the size and the dimension of their target and how many windows and doors there are,

it's not that hard. It's like being in a rowboat with a hole in it, and you find the hole and you plug it. Give us credit for being a lot smarter, and that's all I'm going to say about it. I rest my case. So maybe, you know, I'm not telling you how to think, my fine friend. And again, I do respect your call.

And it's interesting at times like this when it seems so hopeless. And it's so devastating and horrible. And you're watching the parents cry. And you see the pictures of the beautiful children that were alive one day and gone the next. And you can get into that frame of mind. We just go, it's hopeless. There's nothing we can do. Let's just roll over.

It's going to happen. Well, you know, all things can be altered. All things can be stopped. all things can change. It's very doable, man. And are you going to get every single one of them, even if you apply all this ingenuity that I'm talking about? Are you going to get every, is it going to stop at 100 percent?

Does anything stop 100 percent? No. But what if you could stop at 90 percent or 98 percent? I think that's doable, man. So food for thought. I appreciate your call. Excellent food for food. thought. I'm not lamb-baseding you. I'm just kind of counteracting your argument.

And I'd rather look on the side of hope and positivity and finding solutions and not just, you know, saying, ah, we're done. It's going to keep happening. It is going to keep happening, but let's get smarter than these idiots. That's the other thing. These shooters are not the brightest bulbs on the trees, folks. I mean, did you see the kid that shot this? school up. It looks like Forest Gump and Rain Man had sex at a motel six, and that was their dopey kid. I mean, this guy had the jug ears, and he had freckled face, and his eyes were like a bit too close together. It looked like he was staring off at a Ferris wheel somewhere in the distance. I mean, these wackos are not the brightest. And are you telling me that

the most intelligent minds in the country can't outwit, a dummy, like these idiots. He posted what he was going to do online. Well, hey, maybe they can outwit us. And we should all be ashamed that the authorities should be ashamed that the dumbbell like this outwitted it. He put it up there. He put it on social media and told everyone what he was going to do. And still no one got it. Well, people got it and they reported it, but the authorities were just like, whatever it's probably just well times are changing man and now you know if you if you start saying stuff like that if you start you know sending out cryptic messages and broadcasting that you're a whack job and i say throw them in an asylum you know i'm not that worried about one guy's

rights versus the life the life and death of of innocent people if some guy wants to be dumb enough to do that stuff. Lock them up for a while. Get him in a head brace and pour lemonade in his eyes or whatever you got to do. So there you go. There's my two cents worth, man. Thank you for your call. It certainly got me fired up. And look, I'm not the only one upset about this. We all are, man. Can you imagine if that was your kid, your neighbor's kid, your brothers or sisters kid that they went off to school? 14, 15, 16 years old, they go off to school to read a book and write on a chalkboard and tell a joke in the cafeteria and an M15 sniper bullet rips through their fucking face. And they're just laying on the floor bleeding and their eye socket's been blasted out and their rib cage is blown open.

Excuse me This was a school day What So let's not give up Let's let's You know It's just a question And somebody

Getting off their ass and doing something So there you go buddy Thank you for the call I appreciate it If you have any of the differing points of view We love to hear from you We love to get all fired up On all sides

The Harland Highway Hotline [phone] to it. Let's switch gears. Do we have any other phone calls, Raj? Maybe we got some more phone calls. Yeah? We got another one?

Okay. Let's let's let's have, this is fun. I like the debate. Let's get another nice serious, serious topic and, uh, and let's debate it on a serious phone call. Let's play it, Raj. Go ahead. Hello? Hello?

Hello, Harlan. And it's been a while. It's Debbie from Arizona. And it's about that time when we need to hear a little bit of our Aunt Ruthie. You know, we love Aunt Ruthie. And I miss hearing her. So please, could you take a call from her? And remember, I love you.

Aw, I love you, too, Debbie. Oh, I love getting calls from Debbie. Isn't that just to hear the I love you? It just warms the heart, man. Thank you, Debbie. Well, Roger said we had, do we have a, has Aunt Ruthie left any messages? Oh, she did.

Rogers is shaking his head. You don't want to play it? Yeah, but Debbie asked so nicely the whole I love you thing. I love you. And she loves Aunt Ruthie too, man. I mean, we can't deny her. She just loves Aunt Ruthie. We love Aunt Ruthie, and I miss hearing her.

See, she misses hearing her, Raj. Stop shaking your head. If my listeners want to hear Aunt Ruthie's voicemail, I think they're entitled. And besides, by the way, she said, please. Debbie clearly said, please. Please. What?

Okay, that got him. That Rogers finally given in. Good. Thank you, Debbie. Roger just gave in. I saw him in the booth. He's like, whatever. All right, good.

Let's go ahead. We got a voicemail from Aunt Ruthie. Thank you for reminding us to check on that, Debbie. Here it is from Rochester, New York. Aunt Ruthie's voicemail. Hello. Oh, my God. Is this here?

It's a breaking? Hello, Angel. Hello? Oh, my God. Angel, it's your Aunt Ruthie calling. How are you? I'm calling from Rochester, New York. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my God. I hope you're okay. I miss you so much, little angel. With your little freckley face and your hair and you down in the Hollywoods, making your movies and your televisions. Oh, my God. We miss you so much. Me and your Uncle Harry.

And I just called to let you know. want you to hear second hand through the family. You know how everyone in the family likes to fucking talk all the time all. And I mean, oh my God, it's like standing in a field with a bunch of, you know, wood chucks chewing on a stick. I mean, it's just that chitter-chatter. It never stops. You know, it sounds like Uncle Harry's balls banging together when he's hanging off the side of a bunk bed, for Christ's sake.

But I just wanted you to know that Uncle Harry's doing okay. You know, this horrible flu that's been going around this winter, darling. It's just been, oh, my God, has been knocking everybody on the big hairy ass cheeks. And poor Uncle Harry sure is, you know, Sinbad flies around on a dirty, stained carpet. I mean, your poor Uncle Harry, you know, he got the virus to the bug or whatever the hell you call it. And I don't know if he was, you know, fondling some doorknobs down at the delicatessen. And you know how your uncle Harry always likes to go down to Irves' deli and pick up a, you know, a pastrami sandwich. And, you know, Christ, he comes back.

He sits in front of the television and he just rules that fucking soggy meat. It just hangs out of his mouth like he looks like a fucking hyena's been chewing on the throat of a baby zebra for Christ's sake. And then, you know, he smiles and it's not bad enough. His teeth are yellow or more yellow than, you know, fucking. Jackie Chan's underwear, you know, I mean, Christ, it's unbelievable, something's in my throat, Angel. And then he's got, you know, Pashtrami hanging out of his teeth. It looks like, you know, he was over at a werewolf's house-eaten fucking karaoke sauce or something for Christ's sake. So anyways, I don't know if your uncle got the virus off the door knob down at Earth's deli or where the hell he got it, Angel.

But, oh, my God, he was sick as a Chinese, you know, onion farmer, for Christ's sake. I mean, your uncle Harry was puking, and, you know, he had crust in his eyes. It looked like someone was baking apple crisp all over his fat fucking face. And, oh, my God, he had one of the biggest movements I've ever seen, for God's sake. I mean, you know, I walked into the bathroom after him, and the old bastard forgot the flesh, and I thought, good, Christ, did a sequel come back? crawl up through the pipes. I mean, it was just big,

it looked like, you know, somebody soaked, marinated a football in a tub of, you know, onion water, as Christ, I mean,

this thing was, you know, lurking at the bottom of the toilet like a nurse shark on the Great Barrier Reef, you know, waiting for, you know,

to attack a fish or something, Angel, I mean, you know, because I flushed the toilet and this giant sea cucumber of your uncle Harry laid like a fucking turtle leg.

Well, Of course, it clogged everything up, and now we got water all over the floor in the bathroom, and your uncle Harry's in his, you know, he's laying in bed, he's whee's in, and he's got, you know, crushed on his face, and his skin's all pale. I mean, you know, if you didn't know who he was, you'd think Casper the friendly ghost was, you know, pushing up daisies in our double queen-sized angel. Oh, my God, it's it. So I didn't want you to hear from the rest of the fair.

that your uncle Harry was, you know, dying or on his way out of anything. You know, he's coming through it, Angel, and, you know, he's been sneezing, and he's been leasing Kleenex all over the house. I mean, there's a trail of Kleenex. It looks like a flock of seagulls came in here and shit all over the floor. There's just these little white patches all over the hardwood. It's unbelievable. It's like walking through a jellyfish, a landmine field, or something, for Christ's sake.

And, you know, Uncle Harry gets a little delirious when he's got the flu, you know, Angel, he's coughing, and he's walking in the walls, and, oh, God, you just don't know what this idiot's going to do. And, of course, you know, he walked into the kitchen, and I came in there, and he had, I guess he was burning up with a fever, and I go, Harry, what are you doing with your head in the fridge, for Christ's sake? Your Uncle Harry had Was standing there With his pajama bottoms Halfway down His head in the fridge And I said Harry

Get your stupid head out of the fridge For Christ's sake You're gonna contaminate all the food And of course You know Uncle Harry pulls his head out of the fridge He turns around And he's got a honey glazed hemsy You know stuck in his face

I mean this guy You know he's infected the food I had to get the garden hose And wash out the fridge And while I was at it I hosed off your Uncle Harry. I mean, the crust on him. He looked like some kind of, you know, a baked apple cobbler, for Christ's sake, your Uncle Harry.

And so anyways, Angel, I didn't, by the way, do you remember when you were a little boy? Oh, my God, it brings tears to my eyes, Angel. Remember when you used to ask your Aunt Ruthie to make you some blueberry cobbler? Remember in the summer you'd spend all day outside playing with your little friends and picking flowers and throwing dog dirt at the other children and whatnot. And then you'd come in and you'd ask you Aunt Ruthie for her famous blueberry crumble. Do you remember that? And I'd never had blueberries, so what I'd do is I'd just get one of Uncle Harry's old socks, his blue one.

I'd put it in the oven and cook it. Well, anyways, we don't want to talk about that. I'll never forget when I had to do the Heimlich maneuver, and a fucking men's sock came out of your little throat angel. Oh, my God. Your Aunt Ruthie felt so bad. But anyways, I just wanted to let you know that your Uncle Harry's fine. I didn't want you to hear any of the gossip from all the other, you know, people in the family.

You know, how they go. They're like woodpeckers, you know, on a bald man's ass cheek, you know, just pecking away, making noise. And your Aunt Ruthie wanted to, you know, just hear your voice and set the record straight and just let you know that we love you, Angel. We miss you so much. When are you coming up to Rochester? Maybe we could go down to the lake. We could sit on the lake shore and throw breadcrumbs to the ducks or something.

Or maybe, you know, your Uncle Harry could fart in a water fountain and see if he can blast a kid in the eye with a, you know, an asquard or something. You know, whatever, Angel. Anyhow, I'm probably using up your answering machine, and you've got lots of things to do in Hollywood. So give us a call, Angel. Your Aunt Ruthie and your uncle, Harry, love you. We hope we hear from you soon, Angel.

Aunt Ruthie loves you. Goodbye, Ed. Harry, Harry, get your head out of the fridge. No. Get your head out of the... Get those potatoes off your eyes. Stupid old, goodbye, darling. Aunt Ruthie loved you.

Get out of the fridge, Harry, you fucking ass. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. there we go that well maybe that's why we rogers hesitant to play aunt ruthie's voicemails there they're always a little a little colorful shall we say ruthie has a bit of a mouth on her but uh we love her we you know she's such a sweet old always checking in on me always wondering how i'm doing down here in the hollywoods as she puts it and uh you know it's it's nice to hear it's nice to hear a family member from back home, always a treat. Always a treat. Um, let's, uh, let's switch

gears now. Let's move on to something else. And, uh, I got to bring it back to the Oscars. Okay. Remember, remember last podcast? We did the white trash Oscars and I'm, I'm sure they were more entertaining than the real Oscars. And guess what? I kind of called it, man. Right? The Oscars had its all-time record low, okay? All-time record low ratings. People did not tune in to the Oscars. Now, that's not the way it should be. As the Earth's population rises and there's more people on the planet,

you'd think more people would put their eyes on the Oscars. Well, guess what? No. And I hope these idiots are learning. I hope they realize that they've lost their way. They've lost their focus. They've lost viewers because they're not representing acting and movies and film and writing anymore. It's become, as I said on the last podcast, just an assault on people's sensibilities, their politics, their social points of view.

And these morons think because they can, they throw on a black tuxedo. and trim their hair and put on a fancy dress. And by the way, how's that Me Too movement working? When you got these girls showing up on the red carpet, like pretty much their clothes just barely hanging on their bodies. I mean, is it just me or is that sending the wrong message? You know, the awards ceremonies are supposed to be about, you know, holding up women and not sexualizing women

and that's a great message but how effective is it when a lot of the people strutting down the red carpet for the cameras are next to almost naked and traditionally that's been the way I mean there's nothing wrong with getting dressed up and putting on a good sexy outfit

but some of these things man it's like you know it's like a Band-Aid and a Kleenex. And so there's so much contradiction with a lot of the politics and the social movements that go on with these Hollywood types and these award shows. And I'm just saying I love the industry. I love movies. I've loved them my whole life. I love all the entertainment industry.

But when you start losing sight of what it is your selling, you know, if you open a lemonade stand and you're just, you're trying to sell the world's best lemonade and people coming up for a nice cool drink on a hot day get lectured by the the person selling them the lemonade telling them how they should think how they should feel what kind of politics they should subscribe to guess what you're not going to go to that lemonade stand anymore because that's not what you that's not what you wanted to buy that's not what you you showed up for and these pomp is you know pretentious morons who claim to be the social and moral barometer of the planet are up there spewing how righteous they are. And meanwhile, you know, most of their movies deal with

highly violent subject matter, sex, corruption, evil murder, guns, shooting, rape, you know, human mutilation. I mean, you name it, man. A lot of these movies that get put out, they're very, you know, very free with using the N-word in them, which I think is just disgusting. And just all kinds of stuff there, where it's like, you know, stop preaching to us

when you're kind of the fuel for all the crazy stuff. that happens in society. You're kind of like you're making money off the back of all this stuff. So anyways, I'm kind of glad they took a hit, you know? I hate to see the Oscars kind of sink, but in this situation, I do want to see them sink because I think that's what it takes some time.

It's almost like the schoolyard bully. It's like the bully will just keep pushing his agenda, pushing his way on you until the nerdy kid punches him in the face drops him to the pavement. He goes, oh, whoa. And he gets up and runs away, and he rethinks his whole approach to life. He realizes maybe his way wasn't the right way.

And I hope the Oscars people go, holy smokes. Do you know, they drop 20%. Okay? You don't think the sponsors are going to take notice of that? That 20% is huge. Like, you know, in the TV world, like 1, 2, 3% is huge.

20% Uh-huh So I hope this is like a punch to the gut A kick to the balls to the Oscars And they go, you know what? Next year we're going to have a host And we're going to direct that host Whether it be a man or woman

Say no political shit No social shit Tell jokes about the industry Tell jokes about acting Just tell jokes That every person sitting at home Could laugh at if it's a joke about dogs or it's a joke about cars

or it's about going to the mall or whatever it is, why not make it a pleasant viewing experience for everyone? So everyone can universally laugh, be in on the joke and you're not feeling like you're being preached to or alienated or talk down to or whatever. So I hope this is a good learning curve for these morons because it really is a cool, exciting night, and I used to love watching it.

And I think they've also got to rejigger the whole selection process. Because, you know, they're putting up movies that probably less than 1% of the country are watching. You know, three billboards from Louisiana and Lady Angel and Johnny's got a, fuck, dildo and you know cry for me and who knows what else like I didn't see any of these movies and I'm a moviegoer like I go to the movies all the time so you might want to start creating categories like action adventure comedy um you know you know movies the people are seeing

and you know best uh superhero movie like you've got to start creating categories that apply to what the viewing audience is going to. You can't just keep putting these boutique movies up because people can't relate to your show. You're basically saying, hey, here's an award for something none of you have seen. And are we supposed to be excited about that? Are we supposed to be like all charged up?

You know, in a country of 350 million people like 12 million people saw the movie? Like, these guys are clueless, man. They better get with it. It's like they're living in another time, man. And the approach they're taking and the way they're doing it, they ought to, they had a clean house. Get all the weasels running the Oscars and just going,

hey, guys, you know what? We're in a rut. We're not doing things the right way. We're letting all of you go. and let's bring in a whole new team of people that are forward-thinking, like me. Yeah, why don't they get me to come in? Me!

I'll sort it out. I'll even host the damn thing. I could make that thing funny as hell. I could make that thing funny. I could make it palatable. I could make it inclusive. I could make it so everyone had a great time and just laughed their butt off and were entertained.

Yeah, I may sound a little cocky, but I'll tell you what, I could do better than what they're getting. Now, I don't think they're going to come knocking on my door to do it, but I'm telling you, man, I've hosted some award shows before, and I can do it with my eyes closed. And I can do it well. But these guys, they go for the big hitters, the big A-listers. But just because they're big on the celebrity meter doesn't mean they're great. You know what I mean? It's like find people that are good at the job.

don't find people like doogie houser didn't that guy host the uh the awards recently like really dougie houser that's that's the guy we're going to for our he's the funniest most clever guy in the world dougie houser like good lord like come on man so there you go you got what you deserve oscars i hope you learned your lesson and uh Get your ass in gear, you dumboes. Oh, that's what I love about my podcast. I just get to let it fly, man. Just let it all out, baby.

But seriously, I want it to be good. I want it to come back, but they've got to modernize it. They've got to update it. They got to start including all kinds of movies. The movies that people are going to see. And they should create new fun categories. And, you know, like, like sexiest woman. sexiest man, you know?

Funniest actor, you know, most tremendous. I don't know. It's not my job to rethink it, but you know what I'm going for here. So there you go. Wake up and smell the bacon, Oscar. Because, you know, in the future, I'm just going to turn on Sesame Street

and watch Oscar the Grouch. That's more fun. And, you know, maybe next year we'll do the white trash Oscars again. think they went over really big this year and they were a lot of fun it for those of you that liked the white trash Oscars let me know let me know if you want to do that again next year because man I was laughing there was some real winners at the harland highway white trash Oscars let me know 323 739 4330 uh you can let me know if you like the white trash Oscars or you can let me know about anything even if you disagree with me

um there you go 323 739 4 330 that's the number and you can also find that number at um at harland williams dot com okay all right rog let's uh let's shift gears one more time before we close the show and uh i want to do what who no way oh dr rutherford Grimes is he's calling in oh wow you you heard the bit oh wow this is interesting oh we love this guy dr rutherford Grimes is a uh professor of uh of i guess you'd say sociology and he uh he's a professor who uh who studies a black culture black heritage and just overall uh culture in north america and he's up at berkeley right professor up at berkeley Great. Let's have them on, man. We're going to patch them through. We always have a very great stimulating conversation with Dr. Rutherford Grimes. He's very insightful. And, you know, I was trying to tap into the sociology and the psychology of the Oscars here.

But I think this guy's, I'm just rambling. But Dr. Rutherford Grimes from Berkeley, this guy, I mean, this is a trained specialist. This is a guy with a degree, a diploma. I think if anyone can kind of tell us what this kind of shift is or whatever we're witnessing in in uh in people's viewing habits he can do it all right perfect let's put them through uh hello dr uh dr grimes how are you sir uh hello mr williams how are you today it's uh great to be uh talking to you uh once again sir yes uh professor grimes unbelievable thank you for uh for calling us uh this is unexpected but uh Well, you know, this is a very important, you know, kind of a, it's a window into the social consciousness of the United States of America and people and how they see society, civil society.

Well, that's kind of what I was touching on, Professor Grimes. And, you know, I wonder if you could give us your assessment. The Oscars hit an all-time low. and if you could kind of like map us through why you think people kind of turn their backs on this event well you know

there's a barometer out there Mr. Williams and I think we saw the warning signs coming you know as a person of color and a professor of black culture and black social

social you know social things okay I noticed very early on in the Oscar season, the build-up to the Oscar, if you will. Okay, right. There's a wonderful, wonderful African-American actor. Now, this is a gentleman. We all know him.

We all love him, Mr. Williams. He's been won Oscars many times. He's been nominated many times. He showed up in many, many prominent American friends. film most recently, he was one of the cast members of the Black Panther movie, a highly successful movie. Of course, the Black Panther movie. Now, a full disclosure, I wasn't a fan of the movie, sir, but it did phenomenal, and maybe

even, like I was saying earlier, like movies like that, the movies that people are seeing should get a mention at the Oscars. Well, I see where you're going with that, Mr. Wimden, I think that makes perfect sense. but the gentleman, if I could just get back to who I was referencing. Of course, and it didn't mean to stray off topic, Professor. The actor who we saw in the Black Panther movie, a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful actor. As I said, we all know this man.

Mr. Forrest Whitaker, Mr. Williams. Do you know Mr. Forrest Whitaker? Absolutely. I mean, Forrest Whitaker, that guy's, He's been in everything from Good Morning, Vietnam, to the Black Panther movie, to, I mean, just, you name it. This guy's been everywhere. Absolutely, Mr. Wittaker. And one thing he noticed about Forst Whitaker, his left eye, it dingled down.

I'm sorry, sir? Forrest Whitaker left eye dingled down. It hang, it droop like the mouth of a Basset Hound. Do you ever see a bass at how, Mr. Williams? The dog, right? Yeah, that they got that, the jowl that, that they droop down, the hang real low, Mr. William, real low. Okay, yeah, they have a droopy face.

And Fulce Whitaker left eye, that thing just droop down. It comes down over his eyeball like a velvet curtain at the theater coming down on the stage. You know what I'm said? You ever see a play, Mr. William? Yeah, I've been to the theater. plays. And at the end of the play, everyone take the curtain call and that, that beautiful red or blue velvet curtain just slowly come down on the stage and everyone get hidden behind

it? Yes, yes, like the curtain call. And that's what Forrest Whitaker's left eye. He got that meat flap. You got that meat flap. It looked like a year-roes or something. You ever had a year-roes, Mr. Williams? Well, yeah, the thing in the Peter Brad? You're just like that, Mr. We're hitting forrest Whitaker left eye like a freshly cooked Peter, just drooping over his eye. Okay, where are we going with this? You keep talking about Forrest Whitaker's left eye.

We realize he's got an imperfection there, obviously. I hope you're not making fun of it. Mr. Williams, of course not. A respected actor of Forrest Whitaker. You know, I don't know why his eye do what it do, Mr. Williams. I don't know why his eye got an extra flap, like a butterfly wing, you know, just like folding down over his cornea, his iris, and just flap on that. Okay, so, Professor, we get the reference.

He's got a bit of a deviation on his left eye, okay. And what I study is I watch Forrest Whitaker in popular media, Mr. Williams. I follow him on TMZ, I follow his interviews, and I also, always use his left eye as a barometer. What do you mean a barometer, sir? Well, I noticed that the lower his left eye hang, you know, like you ever see a drain pipe or an eaves trot, Mr. Williams, on the edge of an old house, you know what, it catch the rain,

and the rain flow down the eaves trough? Okay, what's that got to do with his left eye? Well, you ever see an eavesdropping it, hanging it drooping down, and that's what Forrest Whitaker, every time. I mean, the lower his left eye gutter go, you know, like that rain gutter of a meat flap on top of his eye. Sir, if you could just stop referring to his eye, I mean, good Lord. Well, Mr. William, look, I'm just trying to paint a picture for your audience here. Well, we get it, sir, yes.

You're trying to imply that the lower Forrest Whitaker's eye flap is hanging. Right, the lower the rating for the Oscar happening. Now, you see, these two don't just coincidentally, Mr. Williams. I mean, there is a direct correlation between the meat flap hanging on Fourth Whitaker's eye and the lower it get, the lower the rating on the Oscars get. You see what I'm saying? Well, that's a bit far-fetched, sir. I mean, how do you gauge, you know, the consciousness of society?

and television viewers with a man's eye hanging down. Well, Mr. Williams, you know, one of us has a diploma on his wall for this matter, and one of us is what we call a podcast host. Now, which one of us has a diploma? Well, okay, you do, sir, but I just, I find that this is a very odd way of gauging things. Well, you know, call it odd, call it, you know, a comment. kind of, you know, abnormal, if you will, but, you know, it works, Mr. Williams, and I've been watching Forrest Whitaker's left eye, and I'm telling you, you know, I knew we were in

trouble probably just around November of last year. I saw Forrest Whitaker on one of the late-night talk shows, Mr. William, and I think I saw his eye actually move while he was talking. and I saw it droop a little lower. Like, you ever drained water out of your kitchen sink? Okay. Or your bathtub, you can see the water going down when you pull the plug. Right. Well, I swear I saw the meat flap on his left eye start to sag, you know, lower.

It started to go lower down, just dripping down. And I was like, oh, boy, Lord Jesus, here go to Oscars. come on professor this is just are you kidding me well you know mr will you know if you want to come up to Berkeley and attend some of my classes I'm

I'm just standing to welcome to you it sounds like I'm detecting some sarcasm and some doubt but you know doubt not the man who does the research okay well so this this is how

we do it. This is how from now on we're going to determine television ratings from Forrest Whitaker's left eye. Well, not just television ratings, Mr. Williams. You know, there's a lot we can learn from Forrest Whitaker's left eye. I mean, you know, they got that event down in, uh, out in Pennsylvania, where they call it Hedgehog Day. Not, not Head, Groundhog Day, sir. That's right, the Groundhog Day. and they say that when the ground hog come up out the ground, if you can see its shadow, it's going to be a long, long as winter part, my friend. Mr. Williams. Well, okay, yes.

So I say, you know, you can also determine things, depending on how far down the meat flap, the big, like, Euro-style, almost like a honey-fried pork chop, just sliding down over forest with it, Okay, sir, you know, honey, pork chops, I think we're done here. I thank you for your call. Well, you know, I knew you were going to end this phone call, Mr. Williams, because... How did you know that?

Because I'm looking online right now at Forrest Whitaker, and he's doing some media, and his eye is starting to do. There it goes. It's sagging down like ice cream, dripping down the side of an ice cream. I'm just slowly crawling down, and I knew you were going to end this interview because... All right, goodbye. God! You know, I forgot that guy was obsessed with Forrest Whitaker's left eye, Roger.

Here, I think we're going to have an interesting, smart discussion about what I was talking about with the Oscars, and we get... Is he gone? Good. I'm thinking, here we go. We'll have an educated person, kind of... you know, adding on to what I started, because as I said, I'm not the professor on this. I'm not the genius on how all this stuff works. But just, I don't know, just very odd, very odd.

Anyways, let's wrap it. I think we got to end the show after that. That was just weird. Let's do a few announcements before we go, and we'll wrap it all up. All right. So what do we got going? Let's see, I got some stand-up comedy dates. coming up here. Let's see. What do we have? Denver. Where are you, Denver, Colorado?

Hey, Denver. I'm going to be in your beautiful city, the mile high city. When I get there, it's two miles high, bro. Be there in, let's see, March 23rd and 24th for the weekend at the Comedy Works. In Denver, I think it's the Uptown Club. It's not the club that's right downtown, but it's at the other club that's a little bit northeast, south, or west. I don't know the city well enough to know which way. So it's one of those four. It's either north, south, east, or west.

You'll figure it out. Comedy Works, Denver, Colorado, March 23rd and 24th. Great club. I just love going there and come on out. and then in April, the beginning of April, April 5th to April 7th, I will be at the Mohegan Sun Casino. That's out near Hartford, Connecticut, the Mohegan Sun Casino. It's called Comics, C-O-M-I-X.

Great club was there last year, too, and just a blast. The Comics Casino in, in, uh, in, uh, just outside of Hartford, Connecticut. So get your tickets online for those dates at harlornwilliams.com. And look forward to seeing all you comedy fans out at the shows. What else is going on? Don't forget to tune in to Puppy Dog Pals if you got the kids. My Disney Jr. animated show, people are just loving it,

all the tons of toys. Like I said, I started a new Twitter page just for the Puppy Dog. dog pal fans it's called up at puppy pals bob and uh if you want to join up and share pictures and videos and stories with with other puppy dog pal fans that's the place to go at puppy dog pals at puppy pals bob at on uh twitter and thank you for watching the show uh everyone's loving it and i'm loving doing it and we're having a blast and we're getting ready for season two coming out later in the year. Oh my God. It's so exciting. Still working away on my Carmel Corn the Pug comedy special.

We're wrapping it up. I know it's taken a little bit of time, but hopefully I'll have an announcement for that. That's my next stand-up comedy special where I did the whole thing as a dog. I don't think anyone's done a comedy special as a dog. It's a lot of fun, and I'll let you know when that drops very soon. We're getting close. We're getting close. So hang in there, gang. Also, check out harlandwilliams.com.

We have a great store with all kinds of cool merchandise in the store. You can order it, and we'll send it out to you ASAP. Also, we're at harlandwilions.com. Don't forget, there's a contact link there. If you want to write me an email, I read them all. You can write about whatever you want, and I might read it on the show. And you can also leave a voicemail at the Harland Highway hotline. And I might play your voicemail.

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That's all we got for today. It was a busy show. We had a lot going on. Aunt Ruthie, Professor Rutherford Grimes, gun control. I mean, holy jump in the Oscars. What the hell? So catch us next time. And thank you for being here.

And don't forget, I love you. I love you. and chicken chow ma'am baby you know it sounds like uncle harry's balls banging together when he's hanging off the side of a bunk bed for Christ's sake