The Harland Highway - 935 - Tesla vs the rest! YORGI'S nightclub review. Winter needs to end!

Episode Date: March 19, 2018

Tesla vs the rest! Harland gets revved up by a muscle car! YORGI'S nightclub review. Winter needs to end! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. What's up, my players? Today we have a great, great, great show. We have a new feature today. We got a, I guess he's Russian or Lithuanian or something. We got this guy, Yorgie, who kind of does a review of like the club scene. And so he's going to be calling in with his review of the nightclub circuit. new for the show i don't know never heard of this guy but he's he's calling in and also we're going to be uh we're going to be talking about the uh the tesla i had a little run in with a sports car on the surface streets and i got kind of challenged in my in my tesla by a fast little sports car and i'll tell you how that turned out for that guy for the challenger um also winter is almost over.

And I've got a really good reason why I want it to be over. I'm going to tell you about that. We're getting close. We're inching closer to springtime. And then also one of the pavement pounders called and had a few little interesting phone voicemails for us today on the podcast. So, you know, we'll be checking in on that and, you know, just cruising along.

So get your groove on. Here we go. This is the Harleys. Highway I have an announcement to me You're about to go down the Harland Highway Lock the door I don't want to be a product of my environment

I want my environment to be a product of me You're riding down the Harlan Highway So, who do you have to fuck to get off this first? I can get you off. Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself.

Ha! You're a cantalough. Tidon. Tadon. All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway show. I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk I can stand myself. Keep bleeding on that tutor, Charlie, and you're gonna get a shot in the mouth.

Act like a man! I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit and you know it. Hey Harland. Just wanted to say something about this theory I had when I was about eight years old at a sleepover party I had. so we were all there and one kid

fell asleep before the rest of us and I thought is that kid already awake now? Because it seems like you know once you fall asleep you just wake up the next moment

so in his reality was he was he already progressing in life and we may all be in different different places, if you will. Anyway, thank you, Harland Williams, and I appreciate your comedy

and the way your mind works and the way that you do stuff. Peace out, rock and roll, be a good guy, as you always were. And yes, rock, damn, uh-huh. Well, interesting, you know, concepts, I guess. I'm not sure I get it. The whole friend sleeping and being awake in another parallel universe vis-a-vis.

Yeah, you kind of lost me, but I appreciate the concept, sort of, the, I appreciate the thought that went into it. You know, maybe there is something to it. Maybe it's kind of like that back-to-the-future thing where it's like when you're sleeping, you move ahead and you're already there and you come back and there's somebody watching and the thing and the whatnot. Huh? So thank you for that call.

Thank you, Harland Williams. You're welcome and thank you. Thank you, Harland, William. You got it, buddy. No problem. You're welcome. Thank you, Harland, Williams. Yeah, okay. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you, Harlan. Dude, dude, dude. Whoa, whoa. You're welcome.

William. You're welcome. And yes. And let's move along immediately. What else is going on? Oh, I want to tell you a little story. This happened just the other day. As many of you know, I drive the Tesla. I've got a Tesla. And as many of you may or may not know, the Tesla is like the fastest car on the road. There's nothing faster than the Tesla.

And the other day, some guy pulled up beside me in Hollywood, Hollywood, and he was driving one of those fancy Porsche boxsters, you know, the little stubby little black you know porches with the uh the uh the uh you know the little wing on the back and they're they're their little two-seater sports cars and a lot of the hollywood types drive them i think it's a lot of the producers and the hot young actors and but they don't realize as those cars are so old school but nonetheless you know that back in the day before Tesla came along, they had a little bit of kick. They had some oomph.

But I guess a lot of people still don't know about the power of the Tesla. And to give you an example, before I finish my story, there's a video on YouTube. It's so funny. It's so amazing, actually. It's a video of a Bentley, a high-end Bentley with the big 309 million horsepower engine. You know, high-end car. It's on a racetrack, one of these driestown.

rag strips, and it's paired up beside one of the minivan-type Teslas. You know, they've got a new Tesla that's kind of like a family minivan. So you see them sitting at the thing, the light turns, it's red, it's yellow, it's green, they both take off flying, okay, and the Tesla just smokes the Bentley right out of the gate, and you're like, wow, you know, that's the minivan smoking a hot. high-end, high-performance Bentley, and then the camera pulls back, and this is where it gets hilarious, the minivan, the Tesla minivan, is pulling a boat on a trailer, and it still smokes the Bentley, and it's just like, I'm like, oh, my God, what a slapdown, man, what a beat

down. And, you know, here's the thing, people, you know, people, a lot of people don't know the technology you have Tesla, it's electric, so there's no transmission, there's no gears, so there's no time wasted for the engine to switch gears. You know, with a regular car, you have a transmission, so when you floor it goes, first gear, second gear, third gear, fourth gear, fifth gear, right? With the Tesla, you hit the gas, there are no gears, so it's just a straight surge of power. It's just like, it just goes, right?

there's there's nothing between like uh the start and the finish of when you hit the accelerator so uh Tesla has a the car I drive goes from uh zero to 60 and in 4.6 seconds or 4.3 seconds or something like this so it's just gone it's it's like a fat guy in the Olympics going up against hussein bolt you know what I'm saying so this this guy in this Porsche boxter comes up beside me and the Tesla I drive is just the regular Tesla it looks a lot like just a family car it's unassuming it doesn't have any hot rod features you would never suspect that a car that looks kind of so normal has so much speed and so this guy comes up to me at a light and he's like got he's like he's gun in the engine you know he's

doing all that stuff and in my head I'm just kind of like grinning. I'm like, okay, there, Mr. Hollywood cool guy. And the light turns green, and I'm just like, I'm gone, man. I literally look in my side mirror, and they're like, you know, a quarter of a mile behind you. It's that fast, okay? There's actually a small G-force when you floor a Tesla. You can look it up, a slight G-force because of the acceleration. You're literally pushed back in your seat. It's quite exhilarating. It's quite fun, and it's kind of really neat to humiliate these people that

want to come up against you and think they're so hot. And they spent, you know, $200,000 on this car that's kind of squeaking along in the background. And so I just smoked this guy, and then I'm coming up to the next light, and I had to turn right for my exit. You know, we were on a surface street. and I didn't keep the speed going. You know, I leveled off after I got ahead of them

and was doing the speed limit, of course, ladies and gentlemen. But he was so infuriated. He wanted to prove that he was still a fast guy. And so he was flooring it, and I had to slow down to take my right turn, and he gunned it right through the light. But by the time he caught up to me, the light was yellow. And you could tell he had something to prove.

So he was like, He was going to nail it through the light. Almost caused an accident for the poor guy that was going to be turning on the yellow. But this guy had to, you know, kind of smoke by me to make it seem like he was Mr. Macho. And I was just laughing in my head, man, because, yeah, it's such an unassuming car. So there it is. And so now the next Tesla, which I just got, like actually two days after this incident, I turned in my Tesla because it was three years old

and now I've got the new one and this is just ridiculous. The new one, get this, it goes from zero to 60 in two point something second. So it cut in half what was already the supersonic speed. So now it's just ridiculous. So I guess it's the fastest vehicle in production.

The Tesla, the new Tesla, there's nothing faster. There's no other car faster than this car on the street. And it's kind of wild. It's kind of cool. So there you go. All you guys with your blinged up hot rods, your Dodge Chargers, and your Corvette stingrays, and your transams, and even your Lamborghinis and your Ferraris.

Guess what? Those have transmissions, boys. they're not going to be to Tesla. Yeah, can you believe it, a $350,000? You've seen these guys in the little low-riding flat Ferraris and the Lamborghinis and see ya. Then I might even pull a boat just to rub it in. So pretty fascinating.

And if you haven't been in a Tesla, you know, you can always go to a Tesla dealer and test drive them. And that doesn't cost you anything. Even if you have no intent on buying, one, I would recommend you go and just do a test drive for free. You just go there. They'll either take you for a test drive right when you walk in the door. If you go to a lot of these malls, they have Tesla dealerships. Find the dealership near you and just go for a drive. They'll let you go around a couple of blocks and you can feel the acceleration. You can feel it's really a cool

driving experience. And who knows, you might even get sold on one because they have a whole variety of pay scales now they have like the the $30,000 one they have the higher up one they you know so a few years ago when I got my first Tesla there they're quite expensive but now you can they've introduced Teslas to accommodate more uh you know more people who maybe don't have a crap ton of money to buy the higher end ones so but at the very least I recommend you go to test drive one for free and just experience it because it's really really fun. If you have an iPhone or we all have smartphones, imagine if a steering wheel popped up on your iPhone or your cell phone and you could drive your smartphone. That's kind of what

driving a Tesla feels like. So like I said, beware to all you would-be hot street hot rodders with your fancy, expensive, you know, sports cars. I wouldn't get up next to a Tesla. and flex your muscle. Hello. Hey, man, I think I took a wrong exit from the Harlan Freeway. I took the Harlan off ramp from the 647 to the 4,892. And then I couldn't find my way back to the 328. So if Harlan could possibly redirect me to an area where I can find the Harland Highway,

I might be able to access an availability to the direction I would like to go. But for future reference, Avenue Harlem, Harlem, and... Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom.

Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A. A.N.D. at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So, be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out.

And Williams Highway? Man, I don't know. Peace. Okay. Now I think somebody might need an abominable. Okay. Do you know what an abacus is? That, that's like an ancient Chinese calculator, and that should help you get to the 409, to the 293, to the 702, and then I couldn't find my way back to the 658, 328, to the 409, visa the V the 1222, and right back up to the Harlan Highway. Okay, are we clear?

647 to the 4,892. Bro, bro, are we clear? Thank you, Harland Williams. Yeah, okay. Let's move on. Let's move on, Roger. Oh, my gosh. Hello, and welcome to Yorkie's Nightclub.

This is the talk show where we talk about all the wonderful nightclubs all over the city, and we talk about all the wonderful meetings. and all the people inside the nightclub. This weekend I was at a nightclub called the Purple Sapphire. And I've got to tell you, the drinks were flowing, man, and the chicks were wearing tight, tight dresses. Everybody was moving, and they had a fine blend of 80s and retro acid rock mix,

and bodies were sweating, and people were grinding. They were girls dancing with the girls, and there were men dancing with girls. And I've got to tell you, the atmosphere inside the Peripful Sapphire Club was so rocking, it was so, so tight, everything was smooth and everything was so sexual. And I've got to say that, you know, everything was just tight and smooth. Music. So I've got to tell you that about the Sapphire Club, every, all the drinks were flowing, the alcohol was flowing, and it was awesome there, where people were drinking the screwdriver, see, you know, having the ladies were drinking the sex on the beach, and everybody was just grinding and pulsing and moving and grooving out on the dance floor.

The music and the activities went on until the wee hours of the morning, until maybe four or five a am in the morning. And of course, at the Purple Sapphire Club, they also had wonderful appetizers. They had sausage rolls, and they had it looked like some kind of potato puff or something. I'm not sure if, you know, but whatever it was, it made my mouth feel like dynamite music so this is

Georgie and I highly recommend for your weekend party pleasure as to go to the powerful Sapphire Club it's right downtown 49th and 8th Street there are 12 crosses 26 there's a minimum wage

to get in but there is a $40 cover charge and two drink minimum, but all the cadences you can get, and the girls are really wearing tight, tight, tight clothing and smooth. And you are really going to get your disco on at the purple sapphire. It opens at 7 o'clock, they have the appetizers eat first when you get there. They have the sausage rolls I told you about, and of course the potato puffs. And everyone, the girls in the heels, the boys in the shoes and everybody on the dance floor making it happen really heavy and really

tight so this is this is my report for this week and the orgies nightclub and music Greetings, Mr. Williams. I had a question. The other night I looked into my dog's eye, and it appeared to be a magic eight ball. So when I appeared... Ha! Not appeared.

Once I glanced into this eyeball, I saw something that resembled the entire universe. And so, through a thought in my mind of a sound that was resembling a record player playing a song that my mind created. I felt like two souls of the universe were able to refine themselves, and I would like I would like to know your position on that, because I happen to be goodbye. Oh, God. You just bailed?

Just to goodbye. You're right in the middle of, you know, we were just trying to figure out the magic ape ball in your dog's eyes. And I don't know. Maybe if you didn't think I had the answer, you should have. shaking your dog and looked inside his eyes and got the answer. I don't know if I can answer better than a dog's eight-ball eyes. So just to hint, in the future, if there's anything you need to know that's important like this, you can just shake your dog like, hey, will it rain today?

And then you grab your dog and you shake him around vigorously. And you say, you know, you wait till his eyeballs stop spinning around. And I'll say, no, it will be nice today. And then you know you don't have to get your umbrella. Or you could say, am I going to die today? And you shake your dog around really violently. And when it's eyes stop spinning, it says you will live today and so on and so forth. So the answers you seek, you already had, my friend.

They're right there within your dog's magic eight ball eyes. And if that doesn't work, you could always maybe pull a Chinese fortune cookie fortune out of his rear end. That's something, you know, you just, again, you just shake him real hard, lift his tail, and pull a fortune out. And it'll tell you what to do, where to go. So it's all good. It's all good. Don't, don't, don't be sad and just say goodbye. Goodbye.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't, don't be like that, okay? Can you just stay and talk a while? Goodbye. Uh, no, how about hello? Goodbye. No, seriously, dude. Come on, hello. Goodbye.

Okay, fine. You want to say goodbye? Goodbye. Okay, fine. Then, okay, goodbye. How about that? Goodbye. Thank you, Harland Williams.

Aye, aye, aye, aye. Let's switch gears. You know, we're coming up near the end of the winter finally. Like we're kind of not maybe another month, okay? Another month of unpredictable snowy weather. But, you know, we're getting closer to spring. And here's the thing. I don't have to turn the heater on at night.

You know, in the winter, when you go to bed, your house or your apartment or your condo is freezing, All the elements are blowing against the glass outside and the walls and you need that nice warmth to keep you comfy. Will you sit there curled up watching Netflix and whatnot? And what happens with me, and I'm sure it happens to a lot of you, is you end up going to bed and the heat's on and you're all cozy and your bed. You're like a little mouse in a mouse nest. You're all bundled up and you're blankie and you're pilly. and your pilly-pooh.

And you're like, oh, I'm so cozy and nice and warm. And then you fall asleep and you just feel so good. And then you'll wake up like three, four in the morning. And you'll be like, what the hell in my mouth? And you feel like someone came in the darkness and put something in your mouth and it feels like a dry dishcloth or it feels like the tongue of a shoe, like a leather shoe. What the hell of that?

And you realize you've been sleeping with your mouth open and all that dry air from your heater has like kind of slow roasted your tongue. It's almost like your tongue's been on a spit on some low burning coals and kind of slowly cooking all night. And your tongue's like completely dry. And it's in your mouth. and your mouth is dry and you're like,

what the hell's burrowing in my mouth? And you kind of like close your teeth on that. And you're like, and it just feels so weird. And it takes a minute, right, to fill your mouth up with saliva and get your tongue back into lubricated. You got to get your tongue wet again.

It's almost like if you think about it, a tongue's almost like a fish. Right? You ever think about that? Like if you throw a fish out of water, it can't live without the liquid. It kind of lays there and it's gills flap and then eventually it starts to dry out and it just dies. And it's weird, but maybe our tongues are kind of like aquatic. Maybe they're like underwater creatures because they really can't survive. They can't live without all that moisture in your mouth.

They can't survive. They need to have a certain amount of liquid and water and moisture surrounding them. And if you think about it, our tongues are kind of marinating in our spit all day. You know, they just kind of lay in our bottom jaw. And for some reason, our mouths, like, are continually generating, like, liquid and saliva and water and whatever. whatever the hell else it is. Right? I bet you didn't think this in depth about your tongue.

And then there's your tongue like a sea cucumber. Just kind of wallowing around in the little spit bath. Ew. I don't think I'm going to grip my tongue removed after this. But nonetheless, you lay there and your mouth's hanging open and all that nice warm heat from your furnace is blasting into your mouth as you breathe in and out

and your mouth just hangs open because you're asleep and the next thing you know you got this big dry it's like a tree root hanging in your mouth and then when you wake up you're like good God

did a rat crawl in my mouth and burrow for the night is is there a dried apple in my mouth? What the hell's this thing? It's the weirdest sensation. I don't know if you guys have had this, but old, old dry tongue. It's like you just want to run to your living room and like shove your mouth in your fish tank and let it, it's like, you ever see when you throw a gold fish into a fish tank and it just starts swimming around? You get it home from the pet store and

you dump it into the water and it starts, you just want to like run to your fish tank and slap your freaking tongue into the water swim swim around little tongue get get moisturized get liquefied whatever you have to do yeah so it's it's pretty weird it's pretty creepy and uh that's one of the reasons why i'm glad the damn uh you know the damn winter's going to be over so that i can i can stop having a honey-baked tongue and I can get my air-conditioner on in the winter and I can have my tongue baked by the air-conditioner. What the hell? Oh, my God. Hello, Harlan. One last thing. Sorry, I've left so many of these messages, but I'm a karaoke jockey. Jockey. And I would like to see if you had any tips or pointers in order to get the crowd to become less drunk

and just sort of get on my level or get on the Harland Williams level, which I think we should all aspire to be on, because you seem like a very awoken special person and I'd like to let everybody else know that there is a world out there where we can appreciate each other and be nice and not have to be conflicting or controversial

Thank you very much, Harland, for making me feel special in the world of weird people out there, and you're a special duder. You're a very magnificent human being, and I thank you for letting everybody else out there know that they are magnificent human beings as well. good night harland good night world i love you you are the best how do you how do you beat that right how do you how do you top that what a what a nice phone call you know it was a little you know wavy we went to the the the eight ball dog eyes and we went to the sleeping before you're asleep and then we got lost on the highway 592 to the 1276 to the exit ramp 24907532.

But it all came around in the end. And, you know, we're all special. And, you know, it's a very nice message. And I'm glad that you think I'm nice and I'm special. and I think you're nice and you're special, and I like it that everyone's special, because we are. This caller, this pavement ponder speaks the truth.

We all are special. We all are special. I thank you for letting everybody else out there know that they are magnificent human beings as well. Well, if that's the message that comes across from my podcast, then so be it. I'll take that all day long. But I do encourage to tap,

I encourage people to tap into their specialness and dig into the gifts that they have. So, yes, yes, you're all special, I'm special. You're a special dooter. And this feels like a little bit like Mr. Rogers' neighborhood where we're all special. Hello, neighbor, aren't you special? I'm special, you're special.

We're all special. So thank you for that wonderful message for all of them, all the way through the show you left messages. And thank you. And good night, world. I love you, world. Good night, Harland. Good night, world.

I love you. You are the best. And don't we just want to end the show right there, where we realize, we all hold hands, and we realize we're all the best. Thank you, mysterious caller. Thank you, Harland, Williams. Thank you. Wonderful. Now, let's get to some announcements before we officially shut everything down.

How about that, gang? Don't forget this weekend. Yes, this weekend I'll be. in Denver, Colorado. Oh, yeah, the Comedy Works. If you're out in Denver, you've got to come see the show. I'll be there March 23rd and 24th. This Friday and Saturday, the Denver, Colorado Comedy Works.

And then two weeks later, you can catch me at the Mohegan Sun Casino out there in Hartford, Connecticut. I'll be at comics C-O-M-I-X Comics and a great club out there too man I always have such a good time out of comics so come on out there

and let's rock it out at comics bros and then where am I after that? Well I guess I'll have to wait and see we'll have to fill you in on that and then don't forget to check out our store at harland williams.com. We have all kinds of merchandise for you if you want to

pick some up. Also while you're at harlan williams.com, you can leave me an email. We have a contact link or if you want to leave me a phone message at the harland highway hotline, 323739-4330. And maybe I'll play your beautiful message where everything's beautiful and wonderful. And you shake your dog's eyes. um what else get our free app for your on your iPhone just to go to your app store type in the harland highway podcast boom and uh you're in you're you're going to be able to play you're going to be you're going to be able to play the podcast wherever you may be and if you want to hear every single episode we've ever done get the premium membership for $20 a year you get every episode ever recorded plus

plus a little bonus features that I do now and then so it's very special it's very special we're all special I thank you for letting everybody else out there know that they are magnificent human beings as well

so there you go that's the show for today all good I hope you have a great week Enjoy the show. Tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway. Thank you for being here. And until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. Thank you, Harland, Williams.