The Harland Highway - 938 - FACEBOOK trials on Capital Hill. Dr. Charles Assmunch on chemical weapons.

Episode Date: April 16, 2018

FACEBOOK trials on Capital Hill. Dr. Charles Assmunch on chemical weapons. Dangers of cell phones! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, boy, what a show. What a crazy show today. That's an unbelievable show today. Just crazy, unbelievable and wild. Hey, everybody. This is Harland Williams, and you're on the Harlan Highway. Thank you for being here. I will be your host.

Very important show today. We are going to be going to the Mark Zuckerberg Facebook trial or whatever it was up on Capitol Hill. he was called in to testify before Congress about some of the supposed misdoings of Facebook. So we're going to be checking in on that. Also, we're going to be talking about how I was suddenly, unexpectedly, an Uber driver. I didn't know I was an Uber driver, but suddenly I was an Uber driver. Also, I'm going to tell you about a trip I'm taking to the Middle East rate to a most volatile part, of the world.

I'm going to be like less than a hundred miles from where the missile attacks occurred. And as a result, we're having an expert in chemical engineering call into the show. Professor Charles Asmunch is going to call in. And I'm going to ask them all kinds of questions about chemical bomb making and all that stuff. And so a very, very intent show. And then we're going to have a talk about the dangers of cell phones and technology. So hang on, this is the Harland Highway. I have an announcement to me.

You're about to go down the Harland Highway. Lock the door. I don't want to be a product of my environment. Shut up. I want my environment to be a product of me. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. So, who do I? What the fuck to get off this phone?

I can get you off. Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantalope. Tideon. Tudan. Tudat.

All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway show. I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk. I can stand myself. Keep bleeding on that tutor, Charlie, and you're gonna get a shot in the mouth. Act like a man. What's the matter with you? I wasn't really sure what we're doing on. You're listening to Harlan Williams.

The rest is bullshit and you know it. Oh, yeah. Speaking of bullshit. Did you watch the Mark Zuckerberg trials this week? If that's what you want to call him. Not trials, but Mark Zuckerberg. you know, the CEO of Facebook, which we all use, right? I think we all use it.

And it's getting kind of creepy. It's getting weird. We're finding out, you know, there's all these things where they think you can be tracked and this and that and they use your data and they monitor you and they filter some people out and they don't let, they let some people say whatever they want and other people aren't allowed. and oh my god it's it's like a mess right so they yanked the guy up on Capitol Hill and they sat him down and there he was in his suit and his tie and the thing that really jumped out at me

immediately was his giant forehead um is it just me or i think he's like the fourth richest man on planet earth okay like this guy has More money than all of you listening could make if you won the lottery twice a year or 10 times a year. This guy's got hundreds of billions of dollars, and yet he's got a haircut where he looks like he just literally came through a lengthy session of chemotherapy. Okay, I'm not trying to be mean, but who does this guy's hair? Who does this multi-trillionaire's hair? I mean, this guy's, it's cut across the top. He's got a giant bulging forehead.

No one else I know has that cut. No one else I know has that style. It's not attractive, in my opinion. It's very weird. It's not to be mean, but it almost borders on that Nazi concentration camp look, where the Nazis like buzzed to the prison. hair and it was cruel and it looked horrible. And he's got this weird buzz cut.

It's just a very, I mean, this guy has enough money that if he wanted the most exotic hair plugs on planet Earth to give him a new set hair, he could have the finest, the finest silky hairs from around the asshole of a zebra plucked and plugged into his head if he wanted. he could have Ozzy Osbourne tied down and have his hair ripped out and glued to his head if he wanted. He could invent new hair in a factory. He could probably cut off his own head and have a new head surgically implanted with long flowing hair. He could basically buy Fabio scalp. Okay, he could have Fabio with his long, blonde flowing,

hair he could have that cut off and replanted on his head and he Mark Zuckerberg could walk down the street

going I can't believe it's not bother I can't believe it's not my own hair I can't believe it's not barter hair I mean what is with this guy man like

take take a hundred million of your $200 billion and just put $100 million into hair research for your own head. Okay, I'm sure you'll come up with something. But I wasn't the only one that noticed it. I mean, let's go to some of the testimony

and let's hear some of the questions from the senators up on the hill. and I noticed that they picked up on his hairstyle a little bit, too. Let's play some of that. Raj, can we play some of those sound bites? Okay, here we go. Mark Zuckerberg on the hill answering questions to the U.S. Senate. Yeah, Mr. Zuckerberg, thank you for being here. My first question to you is your hair.

Did you cut your hair? by sticking your your head in a in a ceiling fan sir um uh no oh thank you sir mr zuckabberg do you sir have any flesh-eating lice or any type of parasitic grub that is slowly chewing of the hair from your forehead and causing it to unnaturally recede into the back of your bulbous head, sir? And if so, Mr. Zuckerberg, would you mind shaking your head if you can do that for the members here in the Honorable House? Would you mind shaking your head around back and forward like a dog when he comes out of the water and shakes the water? Would you mind shaking your your head and your hair so that we may see the lice fly out of your your hair.

Senator, no, I would probably not choose to do that publicly here. Okay, thank you. No more question, Mr. Zuckerberg. I surrender to Florida, the Honorable Member Davidson from Louisiana. Thank you, sir. Yes, thank you. Thank you, Senator. Mr. Zuckerberg, welcome.

Thank you for being here, sir. my first question is a somewhat let me just cut to it do you rub chlorine tablets on your head do is there something you do to burn your scalp to burn your hair line and furthermore do you and your barber whoever this animal may be

do you and your barber regret any of the choice you've made with regards to your haircut, sir? Senator, in retrospect, I think we clearly view it as a mistake. Yes, thank you, Mr. Zuckerberg. And I'm looking at a document here that my office received. They've done some research, and they describe your particular hairstyle, sir, your haircut as what they refer to as. I mean, you've heard terms for haircuts, bean shave, feathered, you know, parted in the middle.

But they refer to your particular hairstyle as a backward shaved baboon's ass. Is that accurate, sir? That's my understanding, yes. Very good, sir. And one last question before I surrender my time here, Mr. Zuckerberg. And I hate to get too personal here, Mr. Zuckerberg, but have you at any time this week, just based on your haircut, have you been in a radiation treatment, a chemotherapy treatment for most of the week, sir? Because it certainly looks like it. Yes.

Thank you for your candor, sir, and now I surrender the floor. Thank you. Thank you, Senator. Hello, Mr. Zuckerberg, Diane Cameron from Montana District, and thank you for being here today, making yourself available to myself and the other senators. My first question to you, sir, is when you touch your hair, that thing on your head, that haircut, when you touch it with your hands, when you press on it, it. Does it feel like moldy, musty, damp, old ass crack hair from an old lady's ass? It certainly doesn't feel like that to me.

Okay, thank you for that answer. Let me take another stab at it. Let me rephrase it, reword it, if you don't mind Mr. Zookenbarger. When you touch that thing on your head, that bizarre, weird, angular I can the only words I can think of is a as a fuck nest or something but when you touch it

does it feel like a bag of mashed potatoes that's been slammed against a wall and then dumped into a bowl of apple crisp and elephants farted on it and then you know put back in the

bag and shaking around with a with a bunch of of old ladies underpants and then put in the crisper in the fridge, microwaved for four hours, and then, you know, soaked in olive water. Senator, that's correct. Well, thank you. Thank you.

I think that's all the questions I have. Thank you so much. Actually, no, I think I have one more. Mr. Zuckenbarger, would you be okay if each and every... member of the council here came down to where you're sitting and we each put an apple on your head and banged your giant forehead and your stupid haircut like a bongo drum we each just smashed it and you know hit it with the palms of our hands and played your played your head and your crazy fucked up haircut like a like a bald-ass skinned out bongo-assed-boboon ass.

Mr. Zuckerberg, would you be okay if we did that? No. Okay, thank you. Counsel rests. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free show. shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast.

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and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Wow. So there it is, guys. That was just a quick sampling of Mark Zuckerberg up on the hill being grilled and interrogated by members of, you know, the council and just they really seemed caught up kind of the way I was with his haircut. It's unavoidable. You just, like I said, you wonder a guy with all that money, what's up, dude? Like, hire a personal barber or something.

So there you go. Thanks for those clips, Raj. And hell, let's move on, shall we? Okay, so here's something interesting. Have you ever become a, Uber driver have you and I don't mean that you called up Uber and and you know said you wanted to work for them and you went through the process and did the paperwork no no no I just mean if you ever accidentally become an Uber driver because nowadays any car could be an Uber or a you know

ubers are basically taxis right and in the old days taxis were taxes they were yellow they were They have the sign on the roof. You can see a taxi coming a million miles away. But Ubers are just cars, and then they have a little sticker. There's a little sticker right down there in the corner of the window. Uber, right? It's hard to detect those little stickers. And especially at night, you know, there's another service called Lyft, L-Y-F-T, Lyft.

And they've got it right. They've invested in these little pink signs. that light up. They go on the front window of the lift car, and, you know, if Uber was smart, they'd probably do something similar, you know? I mean, with the lift, you just, I don't know, there's something about having a little sign

that identifies a vehicle that's a little more comforting than just someone putting a sticker in their window. I mean, a sticker, couldn't anybody just slap a sticker up? You know, it's just a, The lift thing just shows a little more commitment to the car service thing. So anyways, I involuntarily, for a brief moment, became a lift driver. Here's what happened. I was driving home in the dark.

I was, you know, I was doing a show, a stand-up show. And I was driving home, and it was probably, I don't know, 10.30 at night. and I'm winding through my streets you know there's not very much traffic at that hour of the night and I'm winding through the darkness and as I'm coming up one of the streets I see a guy

standing at the edge of the road you know I'm coming up on him I'm about you know 80, 90 feet away from the guy and he's standing there looking down at his phone in the dark and as my light shine on him, my car light shine on him, he raises his hand, like summoning me. And I'm like, is this guy waving at me in the dark?

And what's he doing at the end of his driveway at almost midnight? And then he kind of, you know, that look that people have with their cell phones? You know, where he's, he looked at me and then he looked down at his cell phone, like to check you know almost that look on his face like I own you okay me and my cell phone own you right now like come to me come to me and my cell phone people think their cell phones are so powerful the way they hold them up and they point them and they direct them it's like it's like there's energy in the cell phone oh hi you must be my Uber okay let me look at my phone okay yeah over here over here slave

And I realized this guy in the dark, just seeing a car with headlights, thought I was his Uber. And he kind of had that attitude like, over here, bitch. Yeah, pick me up. I summoned you to my front door. Yeah, pull over. I mean, what are you doing with your life driving everyone else around? Yeah, like just there was a bit of that, that body language, that energy, that vibe. that it was you know it's a little bit condescending i'm not an uber driver but you are pick me up you're not even a taxi driver you're just a you're just a low life citizen who can't make ends meet

so you're you've got to drive people like me around in your spare time come on pick me up i'm over here can't you see me waving my my magical cell phone with all its mystical cell phone powers come to me come to me cretan come to me and my almighty cell phone. I'll kind of half look up and acknowledge you and I'll throw my arm in the air and wave and summon you to my side so you can take me where I need to go, low life.

Am I reading too much into it? I mean, that's kind of the feeling you get sometimes with these people with their phones and their apps. and then here was me feeling like you know inside I had a kind of ride like excuse me like suddenly I got a little snobby

I was like excuse me bitch um hello biot I'm not your I'm not your effing servant okay I'm not your effing ride okay I'm not your Uber driver Beash

okay yeah I happen to own this car and it's a nice and I don't drive around picking people up, beauch. So I'm not your beauch tonight, Beash. You know what I mean? It's like, I was kind of like, how dare you think of me as an Uber driver?

And by the way, not that there's anything wrong with an Uber driver, I think it's actually a really cool way to make a living. I think if that stuff was around when I was in college or when I was just, you know, getting my feet on the ground when I was getting into the rat race, I think I would have been an Uber driver all day, all night man are you kidding me my own my own hours my own job my own vehicle oh yeah i remember when you're a college kid and you'd go door to door you know go to the donut shop and the liquor store

on the movie theater hi are you looking for ticket takers or someone to work at the popcorn stand because i need to make um 495 an hour and work every night remember when you're in college do you take any job hi i see you're hiring here at 711 Can I work the midnight shift to 4 in the morning shift at 7-11 in this crime-riddled neighborhood so I can get through college? Thank you. Are you kidding? Uber's great and Lyft and all those things, man.

I think it's a great way for the average Joe who needs flexibility in their life and their schedule to make a living. So I'm not knocking it. But it is funny when someone mistakes you for, someone who is an Uber driver or provides that service and so I had this kind of reaction like excuse me I've worked really hard my whole life

and I've built up a career and I finally feel like I'm doing something with my life and I sacrificed and I worked so long and so hard and for me to drive through the darkness and for you to just not acknowledge all my accomplishments

and reduce me to an Uber driver. How dare you? Oh, oh, oh, and why, why? You know what I mean? It was just like... So there you go. So I don't know if you've been tagged as an Uber driver yet, but it'll happen.

Oh, mark my word. Some dark, misty night. You'll be driving home innocently late from a restaurant or a party or a social function, you'll just be like on your merry way home. And suddenly, out of nowhere, someone will turn you into an Uber driver. Okay, moving on to more important things,

more worldly matters than just my, you know, my being offended at becoming an Uber driver. Big news this week, another missile strike in Syria. And by the way, like next week, okay, I'm heading to Lebanon. I'm going, you know, when you're a stand-up comedian, you get offered a lot of cool gigs, and I got offered a gig in Lebanon. And so next week, I'm going to be in Lebanon doing stand-up comedy.

And guess what's right next to Lebanon, gang? Uh-huh. Syria. Like, literally, they touch each other. There's no country closer than where I'm going. It's like the city that got bombed in Syria is, I don't think it's more than a few hundred miles apart. Are you kidding me?

What kind of timing is this? Why would I do this? I don't know, but I'm doing it. I'm heading right into the battle zone. There's only one place on the planet that's being bombed by the UK, France, and the United States right now. It's Syria. Oh, I think I'll plan a trip to that region.

That sounds like a relaxing holiday. No, no, Charles, Nelson, right? Oy, yoy, I'll, if I survive, I'll fill you in on how it went. But, you know, I had no concept of Lebanon. I didn't really know what it was all about. but apparently the city of Beirut in Lebanon is very cosmopolitan and modern and they have a lot of American stuff, not that that's a factor for me. In fact, I'd kind of rather it didn't.

I like when other cities and cultures have their own identity, and Beirut certainly does, but I think there's some American familiar landmarks. I've heard there's a cheesecake factory and things like that. if that gives me any comfort while the bombs are going off. Oh boy, here comes the cruise missiles and the chemical weapons. I better get to the cheesecake factory. I'll be safe there. Yes, I'll have a rainbow blast, mulberry, ginger snap, carrot cake, cheesecake, blueberry swirl crust, please.

So, Damascus, I think the capital of Syria, one of the cities that was targeted, I think it's the big main city. and then there's a Lepo up to the north. So Damascus, one of the bombed, targeted cities in the USA airstrikes is 58 miles from Beirut, where I'm going. 58 miles? That's like an hour drive. I mean, you know, maybe this is one of those gigs.

I should just be like, you know, can we do this another time type of thing if you don't mind? But I'm doing it, man. I'm doing it. I'm going into the firestorm. Going into the war zone. I mean, nobody's bombing Beirut. But, I mean, let's be honest. If something went really crazy in Damascus and Syria, if some giant chemical warehouse facility went up in the air,

Who's to say a giant, a chlorine gas cloud doesn't float, you know, 58 miles to the west? Or a sarin gas cloud or a mustard gas cloud. I mean, this could be it for the kid, man. This could be my, you know, this could be one of my last shows where I don't kill. I get killed, and I could literally bomb. Yeah, I could bomb. I could get bombed. I got to say, it's a little nerve-wracking.

Little nerve-wracking. I mean, this was set up before the strikes happened, and the strikes have already happened, but let's be honest that the area is volatile. People are on edge. Russia and Iran are angry. And who knows what a crazy insane dictator does what if he just goes it's like like when saddam hussein lit up his own oil

fields remember in the iraq war he uh he he was like i will scorch the earth i will burn you know he he lit his own oil fields on fire and you know who's to say assad doesn't go well this is this sucks i'm not going down without a fight you know what release all the chemicals light them on fire let's make a mushroom cloud of serengas. I was just going to kill 60 or 70, but you know what? Let's wipe out the entire region. Let's kill millions. That sounds fun.

That'll look good in the history books for me. I'll be a badass. Aye, aye, aye, man. So I'll keep you posted. If you don't hear from me again, come look for my ashes in Beirut. God, who knew it would come to this? You know, you always wonder when you're living, when will I die, where will I die, how will I die? Well, I'm going to be telling jokes on stage, making people laugh, and I'm going to think,

oh, my God, look at these people, they're laughing so hard, they're crying, there's tears coming out of their eyes, they're foaming at the mouth, I've never done so well, and then I realized they're all inhaling, chlorine gas, and they're foaming, and their eyes are bleeding. Oh, yeah, aye, oh, well, here we go. Another adventure for the kid. But, you know, there's a lot of, you know, this whole chemical warfare stuff. There's a lot of science to it. There's a lot of chemistry to it.

Most of us don't understand it. And it looks like we have, is it professor? Yeah, okay. We've got an expert of an educated man with many degrees in science and physics and metaphysics and chemical engineering and all that stuff. Dr. Charles Asmunch is calling in. Where's he from? Is he from Yale or something or MIT? We don't need all his credentials, but this guy has, this is one of these egghead guys who's just got, he just knows this stuff inside and out.

And I thought better than me trying to explain it, let's bring a guy that's actually educated in the area and have him talk to us about, you know, the inner workings and the mechanics of chemical weapons and chemical warfare. So are you there, sir? Dr. Asmunch, Professor Asmunch. Yes, hello, Mr. Williams.

Yes, yes, Professor Asmunch, good to have you here, sir. Thank you for having me on Mr. Williams and these delicate and, you know, sensitive times of war and conflict around the globe. Yeah, it is a little disturbing, a little distressing. And, you know, even though a lot of this activity is happening on the other side of the pond, as they say, I'm sure the anxiety is palpable for everybody on the globe. Nobody likes it when, you know, nefarious. actors, as they say, are messing with the chemicals that can cause mass death and destruction?

I agree with you, sir. It's a very intergalactically non-configurated, and we really, really need to pay attention to the whole processes of, you know, cyclone interference. Yes, sir. And so I was wondering, Professor Asmunch, if you could enlighten our listeners a little bit to some of the, you know, the construction of a chemical weapon. I mean, how does it work? How is it put together? It's a very complicated process, Mr. Williams. I'll do my very best to illuminate your listening audience. but basically the whole process starts when there's a metamorphosis of the larva

and within the sound chamber of the ecosystem, one cannot even begin to photosynthesize the underbelly, if you will, of the Korean National Peninsula. Sir, if you could just say that again? Well, where I'm going with this, sir, and to the layperson to hear scientific jargon might be a bit confusing, so let me simplify it in layman's terms. When one is

forging metal, there has to be a fibrous type of viscous response to the internal combustion of a metamorphosis that really has to happen on a canvas painted. with uh... you know transgender and uh... post op uh... claritin uh... most citrus uh... uh... cells will not uh... have uh... hemoglobin factor and tell and this this is important mr williams until there is a uh... some kind of a latch that uh... creates an aquatic

environment for the uh... the uh... the uh... the triangular uh... infrastructure Sure. Okay. I don't know if that really cleared it up, Professor, but, you know, as a guy who's going over to that region, you know, how scared do I need to be? I mean, do these bombs have range? Do chemical bombs go off like a time bomb? Are they launched on a warhead? I mean, what is the range of a, of a chemical bomb versus like a, you know, a cruised tomahawk missile or even a nuclear bomb. Excellent question, Mr. Williams. And there's some capitulation when you tweak the very cumulus cloud that will interface with the rival flavin of a soft-shell crab or some kind of, you know, a fiber. you know, keratin type of a situation. Now, if you were to run a bilateral configuration into the sawmill, obviously, and, excuse me, oh my goodness, obviously there's going to be some kind of, you know, friction, friction, viscous,

with the amalgamate of interracial, not so much, you know, I'm trying to find the word. Sir, it does sound like you're searching for words a little bit. I know you know your stuff, and maybe this is just, you know, your diploma speaking, but I'm a little confused still. Maybe I need to ask a more specific question. Okay, if that maybe you do. Go ahead, sir. Well, just real simple,

if a chemical weapon detonates near me, let's say, as I said, I'm 58 miles away and a chemical weapon goes off in Damascus, what is the probability of a cloud of some, kind, or the vapor or whatever you want to call it, you know, drifting on the air currents and getting to me. Well, you know, I don't know if you could have asked a better question, Mr. Williams, and what I can answer to that, and it's quite clear, and I hope this puts your mind at ease,

there's a digital component to this, and when you have a blinking illumination, there's always going to be some kind of degenerative inside linear focus that really needs to have a rim around it. And when you can build a parameter, a solid, solid parameter around any type of overgrown underbrush or a, you know, a microscopic, environment, then you're going to be looking at a bilateral and a numerical infrastructure of development. Okay. Dr. S. my time, I'm, I'm, I'm, I don't think you're helping here. I think maybe you're not on topic here.

Well, you know, one of us has a wall full of diplomas, Mr. Williams, and one of us, does whatever it is you do well i'm doing a podcast sir well you know uh when i was uh coming up through the uh the ranks uh in the uh in the medical and uh science field i had an incision in my life that uh led me to believe that there's a uh a photographic memory tied to every uh you know tripod that has a cholesterol filled how do you want to call it effervescence and so

for you to sit here and pull cable and you know somehow magically chloroform the process is just you know not something that I'm comfortable with sir

all right Dr. Asmich I think you're just, I don't think anyone's understood a thing you've said, and I don't know that you've been to help. And so as much as I, I'm hoping maybe you got through to some people, I'm going to hang up now because I'm just, it sounds like you're, you're honestly, sir, full of shit. Well, you know, if you're going to throw the extrament level at me, you know, there's a leatherback scourse mark. that can be harvested, harvested quite accurately and quite deeply from the remaining bilateral functionality of a turnbuckle. And I'm going to leave it at that, Mr. Williams, and I have things to do.

Well, you know, I don't mean to end on a bad note, sir, but... Go eat a carbine battery with some frosted kilowatts on a... nine millimeter, uh, pellet gun. Fuck you. Whoa. Why is he mad at me? I, I, was it just me, but was that,

did that answer any? That was just confusing. Very confused. And he gets mad at me. Is he gone? Good God. Dr. Charles Asmunch. I really don't understand a word.

What? We're going back to the. to Capitol Hill for more of the Zuckerberg thing? Okay. All right. I was going to end the show, but there's more. Okay.

Roger tells me we're going back for one more thing on the Mark Zuckerberg Facebook thing that went on. Okay. Patch us in. Here we go. Mr. Zuckerberg, so thank you for your compliance here

today. So I, I, Sir is really a quick question here for our panel here. Have you ever taken an Irish shalele to your forehead to get that crisp, clean line, your hair line? It looks like someone took a shalele or a machete to the front of your forehead, sir. Has anyone ever done that? Yes. Very good, sir.

And Mr. Zucchini, have you ever laid down on the ground, sir, and shoved your head into a lawnmower blade? I have not. Very good, sir. What about a twirling helicopter propeller? Have you ever stuck your head, Mr. Zokinbarger, in a helicopter blade to achieve that style of haircut on your head, sir? I have not.

Very good, sir. And one last question, Mr. Zolabaga, before I yield the floor. Uh, yeah, yeah, is it fair to say, sir, that, uh, your, your haircut is, uh, you know, looks like somebody threw a bag of scala potatoes, uh, against a ceiling fan, it got spit out, uh, hit a cement mixer and, uh, was trampled by an all girls, uh, canoe squad. I, I believe so. Very, very, very good, uh, Mr. Zellweger, uh, uh, Thank you for your compliance here today, and I yield the floor to the Honorable Member from Houston to Texas.

Thank you, sir. Yes, thank you very much. I appreciate it. Thank you. Mr. Zookeeper, now let me open the line of questioning here, if you don't mind. So I'm going to be very direct. Down in Houston, we're very blunt, you know. Let me ask you this. Have you ever... I used your forehead to roll cookie dough, sir, like a rolling pin. Have you ever put fresh chocolate chip cooker dough down on the countertops, sir, and used your bulbous forehead and that heck got to roll flatten out cookies?

Actually, let me clarify that. That's just a yes or no answer there, Mr. Zucchini Barbel. Yes. Thank you, Mr. Zig-Zag. Do you think in an emergency your forehead could be used as a. Lighthouse, Mr. I do. Yeah, you're okay, you do. Okay, thank you very much.

I think, you know what I mean on, you know, a foggy night, if there's a ship lost at sea, or the way your hair is cut, sir, I think maybe you could, you know, you're trying to light off it and bring boats in from the mist, right? Senator, I'm not aware of that. Well, I'm not asking you, if you're aware of it, what I'm asking is, you know, is it possible? You've answered the question very,

infinitely and honesty, sir. Let me move along here. Mr. Zingle-Dingle. Now, let me ask you this. Has anyone ever told you that it looks like somebody put a salad bowl on your head and cut all around the edges, and your head looks like a fucking Chinese potato, sir? Senator, I have not heard that. Well, I'm here to tell you that that's what it looks like. It looks like that motion of me that we are just about that. out of time. So let me ask

one final question, and we'll close up these proceedings here. Do you feel that Facebook is going to be able to clean up its act, and more importantly than that, even though you do have two billion customers,

more importantly than all of that, the question needs to be asked, are you being the fourth richest man on the planet with more money than most of us will ever see in 50,00 lifetimes

uh, Mr. Zing Zonga or whatever your name is. Are you sir ever going to invest some of your trillions of dollars in getting a decent normal

haircut that the rest of the world can accept? Senator, I don't know. Well then I guess we close these proceedings uh you know not knowing if we've we've accomplished much uh we do appreciate your time myself and all the members here in the house today we thank you for coming in and uh taking our queries and uh hopefully you can get your house in orders uh and uh we won't see you up here again for a long time okay thank you so much everybody i thank all the other members thank you this

uh this session is adjourned oh wow so there it is as we caught the tail end, dramatic testimony up on the hill with CEO of Facebook, Mark Zookenberg. And it sounded like they got his name wrong a few times. It is one of those confusing names with the Z and the Zah and the Berg and the thing. So interesting. But, boy, a lot came out.

Sounds like a lot of people interested in his haircut. and we'll see where this all goes as social media keeps growing and infiltrating and controlling and getting into our lives more and more. Be careful, everybody. You know, here's my interesting take on the whole social media and technology wave that's coming at us as a society,

and it's fairly new. Let's remember. All this stuff is emerging. I think the iPhone's only 10 years old, and Facebook and Google and all that stuff, it's still in its infancy. And if you don't think that all this stuff has impacted us psychologically, socially, and in so many other ways we might not even know, then you are dead wrong. And I think there's a real addictive quality to all of this, which is happening, to the technology. to the physical apparatuses that we are holding in our hands, the phones, the laptops, the eyewatches, all this stuff. And I think it's a very stealthy phenomenon that's happening.

I think that all this technology and all the things that we're so desperate for every day has really crept into our lives. an invasive way in which most of us haven't stopped to really take account of it. And to use myself as an example, when I first got my iPhone, it's like it was kind of an afterthought. It's like I had it and it was sat in my car and it sat in my house and if it rang, I'd go pick it up and it was a convenience. It was just, oh, great, now I can get phone calls wherever I want to go, wherever I am.

and then it became the email thing, and then the whole texting universe started, and then this, and then that, and then the apps, and then the, and then the social media, and then the Instagram, and then the Twitter, and then the Snapchat, and then the, and it's just, it's just becoming more and more invasive, creeping into our lives,

where I'm starting to observe with myself and with other people, the more the phone creeps in, the more we tend to push reality out. So the more apps and the more things we get drawn into on our phone, the more we seem to push real people and real events away. I find myself clearing moments in my day to spend with my phone. And sometimes it's just to play a game of Solitaire or Backgammon. Like this is stuff I never did before. Sometimes it's just to scroll through the news app.

Sometimes it's to watch a video. Sometimes it's to text people. Sometimes it's to look at my pictures. It's stuff that was never part of my life before. And whether you all want to admit it or not, it's starting to use up our time. It's time that we never would have used before. You know what I mean?

and now I'm starting to wake up thinking about my phone. Oh, what's on my phone? Who's contacted me? What's there? What do I need to look at? And then before I go to bed, it's the last thing I do. I'll play a game of Solitaire to relax. Or I'll look at it and make sure all my emails have been answered or my text.

And then when I wake up in the morning, boom, it's the first thing I pick up. Sometimes now, which is unthinkable, be in the middle of watching a movie or a TV show and I'll go to my phone while I'm watching a show. I never used to let anything interrupt my viewing habits. It's like you don't want to watch a movie or a TV show and suddenly be doing something else. You were focused. But now I find myself going, oh, I think my phone needs me. What's on my phone? What's? And so I'm starting to wonder if this is becoming a sickness. And we're not aware of it or we are aware of it and we don't care.

I'm noticing when I get on elevators, people are all on their phones. I'm noticing when the elevator door opens, whether they're getting on or off, people aren't aware that their door will open and they'll stand in the elevator and be staring at their phones and you've got to kind of cough and go, uh-huh, and then they look up and they exit the elevator or they get on the elevator. I'm completely alarmed at the amount of people looking at their phones while they're driving. I'm begging you as a piece of homework next time you're out driving, purposely look to the left out the window. Not only at the people stopped at a stoplight, but people driving, you can see them staring at their phones, texting, looking.

It's very frightening, man. and so the phones are really taking over. They're consuming our lives, and I think it might not be in the healthiest way. But we're the early, like, guinea pigs of this. And, you know, a brilliant mind like Elon Musk, here's a guy who's very smart, who's very immersed in the technological world,

and he's sending up warning flares about AI, artificial intelligence. He's warning that this could be the most dangerous thing coming to mankind. And this is coming from a guy who's a technology whiz, whose bread and butter is made in the tech world. And here's one of the leading minds of this world warning us, telling us it's about to get bad. And we're creating machines.

that are going to start to outthink us and out-rationalize us. And when they out-rationalize us, they're going to start realizing that humans aren't as competent as they are. Humans aren't as accurate as they are or precise as they are. And so any thinking machine might arrive at the conclusion that humans are a deterrent. Humans are an anchor. Humans are weighing things down. Humans are slowing up the system.

And so maybe you start to go, are we creating our own doomsday? Are we going to be creating machines that one day realize they don't need us or want us anymore? That they can run the whole system. They can run the power grid. They can run the factories. They can run the automobiles. They can run everything. It kind of makes you a little freaky when you look at the Terminator movies

and the whole Skynet thing. When I was a kid, I thought, what a fantasy. But now I'm starting to think, wow, the concept of living, moving robots amongst us and robots that are superior to us in physical and mental capacities. It's eerie, man. And what's interesting about this, I'll call it a threat. to society, to humanity is unlike when we were younger, when we were in the 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, you know, we could all recognize the threats that faced humanity and society.

We could identify the horrors of nuclear bombs, atomic weapons, global warfare, chemical weapons. These are all tangibles. These were all things. If you look at the shape of a bomb, you go, ooh, that's ominous, that's dangerous, that's a threat. Warning, warning, warning, right? But what's really scary about the technology coming at us that could undermine us eventually and destroy us

is it's a threat that's attractive to us. it's like wrapped up in candy it's flashy attractive cell phones that glow in the dark and show us pictures and have dating apps and have GPSs and and let us order food and let us let us order merchandise and all this kind of stuff it's shiny and it's attractive and it and it's electric cars and it's it's it's it's the internet and it's apps and it's it's computers and it's watches and it's it's it's it's It's like the shiny thing. It's like the moth flying into the light. But you've got to ask yourself, is it just as dangerous as the atomic bomb or the nuclear bomb? Is it a new threat? Is it a threat that we're being lured into as opposed to just blatantly knowing what it is and what it can do? We're embracing this threat.

and we're almost seemingly not worrying about it. We're so excited, we're so invigorated to see the next turn in technology. What's the next app? What's the next thing we can do with our fingers and our minds and our devices? We don't care if it kills. We don't care if it's changing the psychology of human beings and society. Just give, give, give, give, give. And so maybe we're knowingly

walking into this threat. We're all flying into the bug zapper light. It's a little scary, gang. Not to end the show on such a somber note, but, you know, it's like this whole thing with the Facebook Zookenberg thing. It's like, what are they really doing? What are they really mining from us?

What do they really know about us? What do they really want from us? And we're all jumping in. We're all being lured in. Willingly, knowingly, we're paying to do it. And we can't get enough. We're doing it more and more and more, and it's taking over. Interesting stuff, man.

Something to think about here on the Harland Highway. And we'll leave it right there. I got to go play some backgammon on my cell phone. I got things to do. I got to go read texts and emails and then play some solitaire. And then maybe I'll GPS some stuff, even though I'm sitting in the studio. I'll pretend I have to go somewhere just so I can look at the funny maps and hear me. my phone talk to me go left in 400 feet oh say it again go left in 400 feet oh oh so there you go gang uh that's it

we'll wrap it up for today thank you for being here uh like i said i am going over to uh the middle east to do some comedy. So I'm going to try and pre-record a bunch of podcasts before I leave. But if I miss a week or two, it could be because of that. But I'll try and slot them in, man. I got a lot of work to do. I'll try and get them done before I go. What else is going on?

Let's see. Once I get back from Lebanon, I'm going to be done some stand-up comedy. Great City, Phoenix, Arizona. May 17, 18, 19. Yes, 17, 18, 19. Arizona, it's a place called Stand Up Live. Check my website, harlindulums.com for all the dates and times and blah, blah, blah. Get your tickets.

It's going to be a great time. And then in June, middle of June, I'm going to be in Winnipeg, Manitoba at a place called Rumors. That's June 14th. 15 and 16th wild club up there in old winnipeg manitoba get back to my canadian peeps take her for a rip won't you bud and uh also while you're at harlan williams.com check out our store we have all kinds of fun t-shirts and DVDs and all kinds of fun stuff there we'll send it out to you if you want to order something also you can leave me a message at harlewiams.com you can write me we have a contact link. I read all the emails. Yours might show up on the show. Who knows? Or you can phone

me and leave me a voicemail. 323-739-4330. Always like to hear your thoughts. I listen to all the calls and then I pick out the ones that I like. But you can say whatever you want. Doesn't mean you have to be complimentary. You can be mean or angry or you can be negative. or positive or happy or sad. They all get fair play. Okay. And what else? Please get our free app

so you can listen to the Harland Highway on your phone. Anytime, anywhere. Just go to your app store. Type in the Harland Highway. It's totally free. And then if you want to pay for something, okay, fair enough.

We have the premium membership, $20 a year, and you get all the episodes we've ever recorded almost 1,000. okay and we're coming up on a thousand and that's only 20 bucks a year and you get special bonus material that I post from time to time if you're a premium member I don't do a ton of it but I do speckle it in throughout the year I just don't have time it takes enough time to do all this I'll tell you that much and that's it gang that's it for today I hope you had a good time

go play solitaire on your phone and uh we'll check you out next time and until next time chicken chow maine baby mr zucchini have you ever laid down on the ground sir and shoved your your head uh into a lawnmore blade Thank you.