The Harland Highway - 939 - Commander Tom Dowdy discusses missile launch on Syria. Crazy NEWS story on the toilet!

Episode Date: April 23, 2018

Commander Tom Dowdy discusses missile launch on Syria. Crazy NEWS story on the toilet! Calls from Pavement Pounders. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the most happiest podcast of the year. Yeah, that's right. I'm mixing my intro with a Christmas carol. You got a problem with that, bro. You want to step outside, bro. Hey, everybody, Harlan Williams, you're listening to the Harland Highway podcast. And today, oh, what a show we have today.

We have a question of the day. It's a very odd question today. It involves something that flaps around and eats weird things. and I think you'll find it quite fascinating today's question of the day. Also, we're going to be taking a phone call. As you know, there was some military action, some missiles shot into Syria. And so we're going to take a call from our military expert,

Inspector, French Lieutenant, Corporal, Major, Captain, Submariner Tom Dowdy. He'll be calling him from Camp Pendlington, from the military base to talk to us about that type of military warfare. Also taking a few calls from you, pavement pounders. Oh, yes, we haven't forgotten you. And then a crazy news story that involves teaching little kids how to go potty in the most unusual and maybe torturous way. So we got a lot going on today.

Put your helmet on, glue your eyelids shut. This is the Harland Highway. I have an announcement to me. You're about to go down the Harland Highway. Lock the door. I don't want to be a product of my environment. Shut up. I want my environment to be a product of me.

You're riding down the Harlan Highway. So, put off the... What's fuck to get off this phone? I can get you off. Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantalope. Tideon. Tudda.

All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway show. I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk, I can stand myself. Keep bleeding on that tutor, Charlie, and you're gonna get a shot in the mouth. I'm not like a man. What's the matter with you? I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit and you know it.

Hello? Hello? Ah, Mr. Williams. Just calling to let you know that I enjoy your stand-up comedy. It's rather entertaining. And quite honestly, your improv skills are, unmatched, I can sit down. And this podcast thing that you do,

why just say, keep up the good word, fantastic, or else. Thank you. And so next time, chicken chowl me, baby. Hey, nothing like starting the podcast off with a little compliment. And then I believe there was a thinly veiled thread in there, too. So it was like a compliment and a threat, which you don't often get together.

Did you hear the threat? Just say, keep up the good work. Trance or else. Yikes, or else. Okay, I better keep up the good work, man. Well, it's been an exciting few days, as you know, most recently on the military front, the U.S. and France,

and the U.K. launched like over a hundred Tomahawk Misses. and airstrike missiles into uh into uh syria i think they hit damascus and an aleppo and who knows where else and um i think we have a call coming in just because this is in the military theater and we do like to talk about it uh i guess we have a call coming in from someone who's who's seen a lot of war, a lot of military action. This guy's definitely well-versed in military theater, and I'm talking about Captain, Corporal, Lieutenant, Left Staff Sergeant, Tom

Dowdy from Camp Pendlington. He's a seasoned warrior. He's served this country admirably, and, you know, this This guy knows his stuff. And so we have him calling in today to comment on air strikes, how effective they are, the concept of waging war without putting boots on the ground, this type of thing. So without further ado, let's, have we got them? Let's bring them in from Camp Pendlington in Southern California.

It's commander, right-wing, lieutenant, superior captain. major four-star general Tom Dowdy. How are you today, sir? Hello, civilian. Yes, yes, hello. How are you, sir? You are a go, civilian. You are a go.

Sorry, sir, I'm a go. You are good to go, civilian. This is Corporal Tom Dowdy, Major, French lieutenant, five-star commander, Tom Dowdy from the United States military. civilian. You are, no. Yes, sir.

I'm a go. Yes, we would like to talk to you today about, you know, the events that have unfolded overseas, the precision airstrikes. Absolutely. Let me tell you something,

civilian, when I was in the theater, when I was in the theater of battle, when I was crawling through the jungles of Mian Vianfu and Mautau and Maitaiwa and Niganau, Wehwawa, and the rainforests of Tigotau, Uigua, and Miwa, Wawa, not to mention the rice fields of Wawa-Wa-Wa-Wi-W-W-Mu-Mau, Picau, Wawa, Orange Peel, chicken, Mi-Mewam, Mau-Wau. Okay, sir, I don't, you know, with all due respect, I don't, I don't.

think we need to run through all the locations you are at. Well, you know, it's easy for you to say civilian where you're sitting there in your cozy leather, lazy boy chair with your belt open doing who knows what to your manhood. Sir? I spend many years of my life crawling, crawling on my belly like a monitor lizard through the mud, through the slime, through the mushrooms, through the fungus, and all the cow shit you could stack up halfway to heaven and back.

Sir, sir, I know you saw some difficult terrain when you were in... Me, pow, waltai, just to name one of them. How about Kimau? Hoha. A small town just south of Bienbien Fu. I remember. The fucking shit files that were stacked up in a little village called Miwa,

Ohaya, me, me, me, how, kaiwawa, kukawawaiwawa, kukawawaiwawa, mehaw, sir, please. We don't really need to know all the names of the towns, and... So you're laying there in your leather, lazy boy chair with your belt buckle hanging all. and your zipper halfway down and your little mushroom cap peeking out of that top of your tidy white is sir if you could focus sir there's nobody's sitting around with their whatever you're describing that's not an accurate picture

well whatever you're doing civilian I was crawling around on my belly like a three dollars fucking duck bill platypus. I had mud filling my ears. I had swamp grass filling the crack of my ass. My ass cracked looked like a manate just broke into the fridge at Jenny Craig's fucking ice cream parlor. You know what I'm saying, civilian? Sir, sir, I don't, I didn't know that Jenny Craig had an ice cream parlor, but

But, sir, if I could just bring you around to the missile strikes, the Tomahawk missiles, the guided missiles. Guided missiles, my ass. That's real pretty, isn't it? Real pretty civilian. Sorry, sir, what's real pretty? Oh, it's real pretty when you're sitting behind the desk in Washington, D.C. and you want to kill another human being and you press a little button

and send a missile into the air. Oh, that's real pretty. Dress me up, my little dance shoes. Put a little white dress on me. Put some sky blue makeup over my eyelids and some rosy red lipstick on my lips and you know what you got, Civilian? Uh, I'm not sure I do, sir, what do you got?

You got a whole big can of real pretty. Sir, you keep referring to real pretty. I'm not sure. Yeah, real pretty when you don't have to go into the jungles of Africa, the jungles of me, pal, ho conwa, or any place. like that, civilian. You know how I killed a man? Oh, I didn't press a button and send a $2.3 million projectile through the sky in the middle of the night, so no one could see it coming. You know what I did? Sir, I know war was a little more primitive during your tours of duty. What did you do?

the nearest pile of water buffalo shit. Have you ever done finger painting and screw a little boy? Sir, if you could not refer to me as little boy. I said, did you ever do finger painting and screw a little boy? Sir, yes, we all did finger painting. Have you ever done finger painting with a water buffalo excrement? Oh my God, water buffalo excrement. That's right, civilian.

It's sea or be seen in the jungles of Yedbienfou, and guess what? If you wanted to blend in with the mud and the trees, you had to find the nearest stack of fresh water buffalo shit. Stick your bare hands in it and paint your face and body, so you blend it in like a fucking rusty tailpipe at fucking Leo Sayer's fucking latest pot party. Wait a minute.

So to blend in in the jungle to camouflage yourself, I know things were dressing, but are you telling me you had to smear animal, water buffalo feces on your face? They go B-I-N-G-O and under the S shit.

Wow, well that's, you know, I guess that's part of the horrors of war. That's right. That's right, civilian, and we didn't press buttons. We didn't send Tomahawk missiles flying into the night. We crept along the ground like army ants looking for an inchworm clip to suck on. Sir, a what? You heard me, civilian.

You know how ants like to eat insects. Well, don't think they don't like to chow down on an inchworm clip. An inchworm clit, sir? That's right. I wasn't even aware that inchworms had a clitoris, sir. Well, now you know, civilian. Maybe you want to brush up on your insect clits. Sir, if you could just get to the point...

So I'd crawl along the ground until I found ankle meat. You'd crawl along the ground until you found ankle meat? That's right, civilian. If you don't know what that means, let me paint a picture for you, pretty boy. I'd crawl through the jungle crawling this way and that way. I was like a snake that had been blinded by a fucking supernova. And I crawled through the jungle like Stevie Wonders underpants, blind and stinky. Sir, you know, some of these references.

and I would crawl through the mud and the stumps and the diarrhea that dripped out of the trees from the koalas and I'd keep going until my fucking forehead bumped into an ankle. Your forehead bumped into an ankle, Lieutenant Dowdy? That's right, civilian. And it was like the Titanic running into an iceberg. Sir, are you okay? I just swallowed a bug.

A bug, sir? That's right. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Um, okay, you, a fly or something, flew by and... And I caught it with my tongue. Do you have a problem, civilian? No, sir, you were talking about ramming into somebody's ankle. And when I hit ankle meat, I slowly reached back down the length of my shit-smeared body. I silently unbuckled the sheath on. my leather belt made in Milwaukee, Mississippi.

And then... And then what, sir? And then I slowly pulled out my seven-inch hunting blade. Sometimes when the moon was full civilian, you could see the moon reflecting on the blade. And I'll tell you what. It's the last thing. Those Vietnamese soldiers saw

before I planted that seven-inch blade right between their pointy little rad eyes. Okay, sir, I don't think you have to refer to them as rad eyes. When you're in the jungle and it's a matter of life and death, you'll call it whatever you want. cake, cracker barrel, cheese clit. Sir, you know, you don't have to start calling me names. So you ask me about the modern technology

and the robot missiles flying through the air, well, good for you. I'm glad you went to war without even getting a little bit of moisture worked up in your fucking underpants. Sir? That's right. You know what a real soldier feels? Civilian. A real soldier. He feels sweat. He feels fear. He feels the hairs on the back of his asshole

stand up in fear when he runs into a platoon of Vietnamese fucking night prowlers. Oh yeah. You get so scared in that jungle sometimes that a silent fart will come out of your ass. Take one look around and run right back up your fucking chocolate chimney sweep. Sir, okay, I think we're straying here. My message is, civilian. You can shoot all the missiles you want from a comfy little room somewhere in Washington, D.C. But if you really want to taste war, if you really want the flavor of battle, then you better stick your tongue out,

head into the jungle, and start licking. Excuse me, sir? Start licking. Start licking? That's right. Start licking the jungle. Lick the spider eggs. Lick the koala placenta.

Lick the Jaguar. Lick the spots right off his hairy little back. Lick the king cobra. Lick the fucking golden monkey. Lick the... All right, sir, we got it. Lick, we got it. Well, thank you for your perspective,

Corporal Downing, Dave Downey, Tom. It's Corporal Lieutenant the Left, Sergeant Major. Tom Dowdy, get it right, Civilian. Yes, sir. We thank you for your perspective. It's a little different than maybe what I thought, but we always appreciate getting your input on the Harland Highway. All right, civilian, now that we've talked about that, or do we talk about something I want to talk about?

Okay, sir. Do you know the doormand downtown at any of the strip clubs Because I'd like to get in and have some fucking booby parfaits tonight Okay sir there's no booby parfays We're gonna go thank you sir I want a pair of dark aerial eyes on my eyes So I looked like I just bumped into a panda bear And I want those things to poke me

Sir we gotta go thank you goodbye Holy God you know First of all, thank you for your service, Tom Dowdy, Commander-in-Chief, Lieutenant Corporal. But is he gone? Boy, sometimes, you know, I feel like maybe he's had a bit of that, you know, the trauma that affects a lot of soldiers,

and we respect, we appreciate his incredible service to the country, to fighting for our freedom. but, boy, you know, sometimes you look at the price that these courageous soldiers pay, and sometimes I think, you know, as we all know, sadly it can affect them mentally to a degree. So thank you, sir. Thank you for your insight. Raj, let's shift gears, man. Thank you, Tom Doughty.

The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff. I'll make you crazy. Here we go. Just when you didn't think Commander Tom Dowdy couldn't, excuse me, be a little crazy.

This crazy news story puts us up over the top for sure. Listen to this headline, man. If this isn't crazy, I don't know what it is. Dad allegedly uses hot sauce to potty train son. An alarming Snapchat video sparking an investigation. What the hell? Here's the story. A Snapchat video that appears to show a father trying to potty train his child

by pouring hot sauce down his pants has sparked a police investigation. What the hell? How does that help a kid go potty? The video posted on Facebook and viewed more than 13,000 times shows a man holding a young child while pouring hot sauce down his pants and then on his face while the child cries. It has the caption on the Instagram, Pottie Training 101.

So let me get this straight, pouring hot sauce down the kid's pants onto his little Willie. That wasn't enough, so you got to pour some in the kid's eyes. Is that that completes today's lesson, boys and girls? In order to potty train properly, you need flaming hot sauce on your Johnson and in your eyes. This guy from Edmund, Oklahoma, posted a sped-up version of the Snapchat video on Facebook after seeing it in a private group and being horrified.

This guy said, I needed the public, she told News 9. It needed to be public, she told. News 9. It didn't need to be left in a private Facebook group where no one did or said anything about it. This lady added, it's abuse. You don't potty trained by pouring hot sauce down a baby's pants and wiping it all over his face. Well, apparently you're wrong. Apparently you do, because that's what this guy did. You know, parental guidelines are changing all the time, I guess. It's unclear in the video how old the child is.

Police in Choctaw, where the original video was taken, said they're investigating the hot sauce case with the Oklahoma Department of Human Services. I had to read that carefully. Human service, not Hunan services, which is a spicy hot, you know, the Thai culture uses a lot of spices. So it's not Hunan, it's human.

Now, while the child appears distraught in the video, the child's mother who posted the original video to the private Facebook group, told News 9 the slower version shows none of the sauce actually made contact with their son. Yeah, he's crying his eyes out because of the mime sauce all over his body. Yeah, that's what kids cry about when you pretend to put stuff on them and it's just air. Uh-huh. The mother says you can see that nothing went down his pants and nothing was in his mouth. The mother who wanted to remain anonymous said,

well, how about we give her a name like Hot Sauce Mama or something? So she said her son was laughing after the video was taken. Quote, the video was played out to something it wasn't. My son, I would never put him in harm's way, the mother said. Choctaw police, along with human services members, visited the child's home on Wednesday and said they had a delicious meal of blackened crawfish and catfitt. No, I'm kidding. They visited the home and said, the child appears to be in a safe home, but the investigation is ongoing.

Hi, aye, y'i. Like, just some people shouldn't be allowed to breed, okay? I mean, seriously, man, how dumb are you when you're training your kid to perform a basic human bunch and go pee or poo and using hot sauce? I mean, if anything, that's going to make a kid, never want to defecate again. The kid will just hold it all in until he blows up.

It'll be like a walking time bomb, man. So there you go. There's today's crazy news story. Just, you know, take it easy with your kids. Treat them nice. Let them learn how to do their business the old-fashioned way. No sauces, no spices, no ginger, no garlic, no cayenne. nothing no curry you don't need to dip your kid in curry to have them go tinkle okay

just let them figure it out I'd rather see a kid do something in their pants then have a parent put something in their pants so there you go what word word to all you parents out there no hot sauce okay so Harland Highway. Question of the day. Hey, Harlan. I was thinking, you have the question of the day. And I was like, why is it the question of the day? Shouldn't it be the question of the week? I mean, come on. I'm not trying to be critical here. But I guess it is the question of that day. So it would be a day. But usually that means

there's one every day. And then, yeah, I guess you could say there's one every day of your podcast. but your podcast is only one a week. I mean, not to, you know, say I don't appreciate it. It's just, you know, I'm just out here, you know, pounding the pavement, you know, and listening, you know. Anyway, you know, I think you should change it. I'm just saying, a little suggestion box for you. Love the show. Give me chagas, baby.

Okay, okay. I just wanted to play that to let you know that some people's interpretation of the question of the day is very literal. But, you know, we're going to leave it where it is for now. But, you know, we'll take your notes into consideration. So now that we got that out of the way, and at least there was no thinly veiled threat with that one, right? Just say, keep up the good word. Or else. Nor else.

So let's just get to the question of the day, and here it is. It's an interesting one. A friend of mine sent me a photograph on his cell phone of a very oddly and brightly colored moth. Okay? We all know what moths are. And he sent me this picture of this moth, and it was a really weird moth. It had kind of pink wings with black speckles on it. And then it had like a big fuzzy black head.

It looked like it had a big black, like fuzzy round wig on. So I looked it up, and it's actually called the Afro Moth. So I don't know if they named that big black like head with the, it looks like black hair if it was named after the old hairstyle from the 60s and 70s, the Afro. I'm assuming it was, but it just made me start thinking about moths. I'm thinking, God, you know, usually they take a, backseat to butterflies.

It's what we always think of the butterfly is beautiful and stunning and gorgeous. And the moth is like, you know, the dumpy little brother that eats turtleneck sweaters and socks and hides in the closet. I don't know, maybe moths are gay because they come out of the closet. They fly out of the closet. Hi, I'm a moth. Hello. I'd like to eat somebody's turtleneck sweater, please.

And if someone's feeling a little frisky, I'll... like to eat the waistband on your under trousers. I'm a moth. So the afro moth, which is a cool name and it's a cool looking moth, you can look it up on Google if you want, the afro moth. Very fascinating. So my question of the day is, do you know how many species of moths there are on the planet? Do you know how many, that's the question of the day.

Do you know how many species of moths there are on the planet? Why is it the question of the day? Shouldn't it be the question of the week? I mean, come on. It can be the question of the week if you want. It's up to you, but do you know how many moths there are on this planet? You'll be fascinated to hear over 160,000. Can you believe it?

A 160,000 species of moth. That would be like imagine if there was 160,000 different races of humans. I don't know how many races of humans. of humans there are, but I bet it's probably not over 3,000, maybe 5,000, maybe it's even lower. Like, there's not a lot of different human races, okay? But 160,000 moths, and I think the butterflies only number in like the 40 or 50,000 or 30, something in there.

And the lowly little moth that, the lowly little moth that. we kind of don't think of is quite stunning. If you go on Google and just type in moths, oh my God, the vibrant, brilliant colors and the different looks and the, oh yeah, don't underestimate the moth. And you better not because there's over 160,000 species of them out there. And if you bad mouth a moth, they might not just eat your turtleneck sweater, but they might eat you inside of it. So don't mess around with the moths.

We're coming out of the closet and we're hungry. So there you go. The Harland Highway. How many moths are on planet Earth? How many species of moths are on planet Earth? The Harland Highway, question of the day. Should it be the question of the week? I mean, come on.

The Harland Highway, question of the day. Okay, I couldn't leave it hanging out. There's a little add addendum to the question of the day. I had to look it up. And here I am going, how many races of humans are? There are how many different? And according to Google, Dr. Google, there's four major races of humans that can be subdivided into 30 subgroups.

I guess there's the Caucasoid, white, negroid, black, Black, capoid, Bushmen, Hatonos, I guess that's like the Bushmen of Africa, Mongoloid, Oriental, Asteroid, Australian Aborigini. So here I am saying, I'm thinking there's, you know, I guess I was thinking of every, I was thinking probably more of languages than I was races. You know what I mean? I was thinking of all the different languages. and when I thought of the different language, I started associating that with different races, but that's surprising to me.

Isn't that funny? So, okay, so now that we know there's only four of us, place that up against 160,000 moths, okay? And now I'm going to look up the butterfly and see how many, how many species of butterflies? there are. And look

of that. 20,000. I was way way too generous. There's only 20,000 and just to verify the moth thing, I'm going to go back because I was kind of going off the moth thing off of some research I had done

at another time. So let me see how many species, just to be accurate. Yep, there it is. There are some 160,000 species of moss in the world compared to 17,500 species of butterflies. Okay, now that just dropped. See, that's the weird thing about Google.

You always get different things, but nonetheless, I don't know if that holds any interest to you guys or not, but I thought it would be a fascinating Harland Highway question of the day, of the week, of the month, of the hour, of the minute, of the second, whatever, you're fancy. So there you go. And I think we'll end the show on that because that's informative and that's something you need to know. And if you get the chance, go air out your turtleneck sweater, make sure it's not being consumed.

So there you go. Thank you for being part of the show today. Thank you for coming along for the ride at the Harland Highway. We want to thank Corporal Tom Dowdy for his in-depth analysis and everything else. Let's see, what can I tell you, a stand-up comedy. I will be doing a great club in the middle of May. That's coming up in about a month. May 17, 18, 19.

Yours truly will be in Arizona, Phoenix, Arizona, at the stand-up live comedy club, great club. Please get your tickets, or you can get them at harlan williams.com the web my web my website uh while you're there you can also write to me if you want to write to me there's a contact link i'll read your email or you can write you can call me and leave a voicemail and complain about the question of the day like this gentleman 323 739 43330 323 739 43330 and there are uh there uh there are uh lots of people that call in and I don't get every message up there but you know put you put your

voicemail in there and and who knows uh that phone number is also on my website harlo williams.com if you're not good at remembering numbers 323739 43330 it's at harlem williams dot com and while you're there check out our store check out the rest of my comedy schedule I'm traveling around the united states and uh you can um you can catch me and actually uh next I'm going to be doing stand-up, as I told you recently. I'm going to be doing stand-up in Lebanon. Can you believe it? Holy God.

How cool is that? At St. George's I think it's St. George's Yacht Club or something like that, it's called. So if you happen to be around in Lebanon, in Beirut, I'm doing a stand-up show there, of all places. It'll be me, Jamie Kennedy, Jeremy Piven from, what's that show on HBO, that show about Entourage, that's what it is. Jeremy Piven does a great job. He plays the agent manager on Entourage. So we're all heading over there to do some shows and should be pretty interesting. Also, we have a store at Harlowiams.com where you can buy fun merchandise, t-shirts and all kinds of stuff.

fun stuff. Thank you for all you folks who are checking out puppy dog pals and watching with your family and your kids. Don't forget there's tons of puppy dog pals merchandise at the Disney store.com or at Target.com or, you know, JCPenny.com, Toyser Us.com. It's crazy all the toys they're making from my show. It's beautiful.

I love seeing the kids with it. If you have kids, I started, actually had started a Twitter page for all the puppy dog pals madness. It's called At Puppy Pals Bob. Wait, is it what puppy pals? Yeah, puppy pals Bob. That's it. Puppy Pals Bob, at Puppie Pals Bob. And if you're a fan of the show, you can join and send in pictures of your kids or your dogs or whatever you want or a video clip.

A lot of people sending video clips. And it's a lot of fun for puppy dog pals fans. Don't forget to get the free app for your telephone. It's absolutely free. Just go to your app store. Type in the Harland Highway. Boom, you're in, you've got it. And if you're addicted and you need more and more of the Harland Highway

for $20 a year, you can become a premium member. Yeah, a premium member. And you'll get every episode we've ever done. including extra bonus material that I put up from time to time, okay? So there you go, gang. Thanks for being here. We'll catch you next time. And until then, chicken.

Chow, Maine, baby. And I'd keep going till my fucking forehead bumped into an ankle. Thank you.