The Harland Highway - 948 - Summertime BATS! Donald Trump's SPACE FORCE. Pissed off Harland

Episode Date: June 26, 2018

Summertime BATS! Donald Trump's SPACE FORCE. Pissed off Harland Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, everybody, and welcome to the Harland Highway. Apologies for being a day late here. I had a little bit of a health issue that I'll tell you about the next Harland Highway. So it slowed me down a couple of days here, but everything's good, everything's fine. It's nothing major, nothing serious. It was just a little, like, pulled leg muscle, and I was incapacitated for a couple of days. I'll tell you more about it, the next podcast.

But for now, what a show we have today. We're going to be talking about me being pissed off at something. Yeah, it involves airports. It involves people that pat you down at airports. Not happy. Okay, in fact, today's show is all about flying. I'm also going to talk to you about a couple of experiences I had with bats. Have you ever had experiences with wild bats flying around out in nature and whatnot?

Well, I certainly so far this summer, have had some bat issues. I've had some bat things going on. And then lastly, speaking of flying, Donald Trump, the president announced the creation of space force. A new military space thing we're going to have to protect us in outer. space. So we're going to talk to someone about that. And all that, here it is, the Harland Highway. I have an announcement to know. You're about to go down the Harland Highway. Lock the door.

I don't want to be a product of my environment. Shut up. I want my environment to be a product of me. You're writing down the Harlan Highway. So, put off the fuck to get off this phone. I can get you off. Maybe, maybe not, maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantalup!

Tideon! Tadon! Tadon! All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway Show! I'm ashamed, big daddy! That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk I can stand myself! Keep leading on that tutor, Charlie, and you're gonna get a... They're shot in the mouth.

Act like a man. What's the matter with you? I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit and you know it. Hello everybody. Oh gosh. Summer is kind of upon us, right?

It's here. And I think it might be time for some bat stories. Yeah. You know those cuddly little brown things that suck the blood out of your face? I got a couple of bat stories and it's kind of like these bat stories kind of reinforce the whole yin and yang of the world that we believe or don't believe in. But here we go.

The first bat story, I went to a wedding recently in Austin, Texas, okay? And in Austin, Texas, right downtown, one of the main tour. attractions of the whole city. It's a it's a funky, cool city. Very artistic and great music and nightlife and everything. But there's a river that goes right through it. It might even be the Colorado River possibly. No, I don't know.

Maybe it is. I can't remember. There's a big river that runs right through Austin, Texas. And there's a big bridge that goes across this river. it kind of comes from the suburbs and goes right into downtown. It's like the main road right up into the city, into the downtown core. And this bridge is about, I don't know,

maybe a quarter mile, just over a quarter mile long, maybe between a quarter and a half mile long. And apparently every evening, without fail, like hundreds of thousands of bats, go flying out from under this bridge. I guess the way they constructed the bridge with the beams and the concrete and everything in the underbelly of the bridge

was just coincidentally the perfect kind of nesting place for bats. I'm not sure what kind of bats they are. Why don't we just say brown bats or something? I don't know what kind they are. But maybe, you know what, while I'm on the blower here, why don't I go online and I'll do a little research while we're talking here

and we'll see what kind of bats they are. How about that? The Houston bats. Let's see what we got here. Okay. Let's see. It's the Waugh Bridge it's called. Okay.

The Waugh Bridge in Houston, Texas. And every night, these, you know, supposed to be when the sun starts going down, tens of thousands of these bats fly out. There's apparently like 300,000 bats in this bridge, okay? And, you know, they fly out and they go up into the sky. You're supposed to be able to see them in the twilight, you know, framed in the sky. It's a big thing, 300,000 bats. So I have a night off before the wedding, and instead of going out and hanging around and, you know, joining the frivolities, I'm like a nature guy. I'm like, well, I can go to the wedding party tomorrow night.

Tonight I have a night off. I'll go and watch the bats. So I talked to a local guy. He goes, oh, yeah, go down around 7.30, and, you know, they'll be out within half an hour, 20 minutes. And I'm like, oh, okay. So I get down there around 7.30. I'm standing on this giant bridge. And I'm not the only one there.

There's about, like, you know, 60 other people. And then as time goes by, suddenly there's like 100 people. And then there's 300. And then there's, I don't know, by the end of it, there was like a thousand people. This bridge was packed from, there was probably more than a thousand because there's people on the sides down on the riverbank, like huge, huge clusters of people. There almost might have been more people than there were bats. And all of a sudden, as the sun keeps sinking, this bridge gets more and more populated with people.

And I guess the bats come out one side of the bridge. so everyone was on the same side, looking down at the river, waiting for these bats to come flying out, and we're waiting, and we're waiting. And then I guess the city, to celebrate the bats, they send out on the other side of the bridge on the sidewalk, they send out some dancers, like all these weird theater arts kids dressed in black

and just weird. They were like doing these. you know, kind of interpretive dance, bat dances on the other side of the bridge with flashlights and they're looking all creepy and weird and weren't talking to anybody. And I was like, okay, I kind of respect the effort, but it was a little much. It was a little pretentious, a little creepy. So we're all standing there and we're waiting for these bats. and it gets darker and darker and darker and darker and before you know it it's like it's like pretty much

95% dark okay um and and it's like they still haven't shown up and people are on this bridge chattering and they got their cameras and they're you know it's like a big gathering and it's hot and it's sticky. It's a nice summer night. And then, you know, people are going, where's the damn bats? And then finally, I'm getting ready to leave. It's so dark, you can't see anything.

And all of a sudden, way down at the far end of the bridge, you can kind of see like the air looks like it's ruffling or something. Like the air is like kind of uneven. It's like, wait, what's that flickering down there? And you can see it was like thousands of bats flying out. but it was so dark that you couldn't really make them out. You could just kind of catch these little speckles of flickering. Because remember, bats are dark brown and black.

And at night, they don't show up that well against the damn night, the darkness. So I'm like, I waited there what was supposed to be 20 minutes. I waited two hours for these damn bats to come out. They finally come out. I can barely see them. And they're not silhouetted against the sunset because the sunset's long gone. The sky's like dark.

So you can't see anything black silhouetted against black. So I just saw like this flickering and I, yes, they were bats, but I couldn't see them very well. And so I just said, screw this. and I started walking, and I was in the middle of the bridge, and I'm walking towards the other end of the bridge, and there's a bunch of people there that don't even realize hundreds and thousands of bats are already taking flight.

I could hear them, they're going, well, when do these damn bats come out? And I stopped. I said, guys, they're coming out right now. They're like, we can't see them. And I said, yeah, that's right. And then everyone else started to freaking leave. So I don't know. maybe you got to get there, uh, you know, on a lucky night or something, but man, I was, uh, I was not pleased with the damn bats. Um, let's see what kind of bats are they?

Uh, da da da da da da da da da da da. I don't know. It doesn't even say what kind of bat they are. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. All will be packaged and sent discreet. for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast.

So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Mexican freetailed bats? I don't know. I think it's a freetailed Mexican freetailed bat is what they're called. retail bat. That sounds like with all this illegal immigration stuff, whenever you hear Mexican free, you're thinking right away, wait, somebody, these bats sneak across the border? What's the free stuff?

So anyways, that was my bat experience in Houston. It didn't go well. I didn't really see the bats. And so I was like, oh, I got robbed of the bat. So cut to a few weeks later, I'm at the cottage, and I woke up early one morning. So, you know, just as the sun was just coming up. It wasn't, the sun wasn't in the sky, but light was starting to fill the sky. And I was up a bit early in the morning, like, you know, 545, 6 a.m.

I couldn't sleep. I stepped outside to see what the weather was like. And lo and behold, there's a bunch of bats flying around. And I'm like, what the hell's going on? And I walked down. I walked down a level of stairs and all of a sudden there's a bunch of bats like flying underneath the under roof of the cottage.

You know, there's like a car park and then there's the ceiling up above and all the bats were flying under there and I'm like, wait, this isn't right? Why are their bats? And then I looked and all these bats that I was seeing were flying right up into the underbelly of the roof and there was a little hole

and all of a sudden I'm seeing like hundreds of these little brown bats crawling up into this hole. And I'm like, wait a minute. Up in that hole, there's hundreds of bats and above that hole there's a piece of plywood that separates my bad from hundreds of bats. There's literally a piece of plywood between us. And I'm like, ew. And so now I'm thinking if the bat. Bats have fleas or bugs or rabies or mites that those are going to start crawling up.

My band was literally sitting over where the bats were roosting. So now I'm seeing more bats than I can handle, and they're not in the right place. I wish they were in Houston. And I'm like, holy crap, I got to get these guys out of here, man. So the next day I get a crowbar, and on the underbelly of the roof is like this stuff called soft it's like a it's like vinyl siding and you put it up under the floor on the underbelly of the cottage and you fill it with insulation and it's supposed to keep everything cool in the summer and warm in the winter but all i can hear is like these bat calls these high

pitched high pierce chirping you know bats emit sonic uh sonic waves and sonic calls they they They bounce their sonic calls, these high-pitched high-frequency calls bounce off of their prey and back to them. And that's how they track it down with sonar. Pretty sophisticated. And so now I'm hearing all these freaking bats and I'm like, holy God, I got to get these guys out of here. And so I get the crowbar and I shove it up under the soffet, the vinyl siding, and I yank it down. And all this dust and piles of bat poo come down and insulation, but no bats. But I know they're up there, so I keep kind of pulling and pulling and pulling, and I keep going along

until finally I get to the nest. And I yank down the soften and there's the sun and the dust from the bat poo dust is flying out in my hair and in my eyes and in my mouth. I mean, p. nasty right and then there they all they're all they're all exposed they're all like hanging up up in the rafters right under my bad it's like bat bad man forget batman i've got bat bad dana ninninnan nan nan nan nan nan da bat bad how creepy is that like hundreds of them can you imagine hundreds of little bats under your bed Yeesh.

So there they are, and I'm thinking, okay, they've been exposed to the sun. They're going to fly, but they didn't fly. They just, like, kind of clustered together, and they hung up there on the wood. They've got these creepy little claws, and again, I love animals. I don't like to displace these guys, but it's like if you have mouse, mice, or roaches or rats, it's just not healthy. I even like rats and roaches and mice. I love all animals, but there's just certain places you can't have them.

man because it can lead to disease you can get sick you could you know it's just not healthy and so i had to get these guys out of here and they weren't leaving i'm like what the sunlight's not good enough for them so i went in and i got a great big salad bowl and i filled it up with water and i just tossed it i tossed it up at them and that did it man splash they started flapping and flying they came swooping down to me they were swirling around me oh my god i'm like waving at him with a salad ball. Back, demons of the night. Back Satan's spawn.

Back, you cute little fuzzy mosquito eating critters is what I really thought. They're kind of cute. They're ugly cute. You know, they're just kind of ugly cute little characters. And so now they're swirling around me, and I got my buddy who lives down there where my cottage is, and he's helping me, and one flies it.

him and he slips he he's like whoa he like slips on a piece of the vinyl and he he goes backwards and cracks his his arm on on the picnic table and now he know his arms bleeding he he punctured his arm and I'm like and great we got we got hundreds of swarming bats and there's fresh blood a dripping that's like opening the beer taps at a bar with a bunch of drunks hanging around like oh holy shit let's get the let's get the sweet nectar so now we got a guy i'm in a i'm in a hailstorm of bats standing beside a bleeding guy and it's like dripping he's like it's bleeding out and i'm thinking oh god this is just like throwing gasoline on a fire So it was wild

So now I'm on a bat fight It's like 300 bats versus guy with salad ball Standing beside bleeding human bait I mean this just became a circus And so I was like Well I better keep pulling the damn soffit down Because there's probably more And sure enough I ripped half the underneath of my roof out

My ceiling. It's just a mess. There's insulation hanging everywhere. There's piles of bird bat poo. And now some of the bats have babies on them. And so the babies cling to the mothers. I didn't know this. The baby bats cling to the mothers like a little koala clings to its mother.

And so now the mother bats are kind of half flying, half flop, into the ground because they're they're heavy with the infant. Meanwhile, all the males are just flapping around willy-nilly. I don't know what they're doing because it's daytime. They're probably like, you, you asshole, what'd you wake us up for? We don't want to be, we're night workers, man. We work the night chef. Damn you.

You know, they're flying around in the sun and, you know, they're kind of taken off into the distance. and so some of these other ones with the babies on them they drop down to the ground and now they're crawling around some of them are flying away with the babies and some of them it took a little while and so one of them like kind of climbed onto a pole and I got the old iPhone out and took some video of it if you want to see video

of one of the bats from this big bat excursion go to my Instagram It's just at Harlan Williams. And it's the one. The profile picture is me in a white shirt with a tie laying on a pillow. Because there's a few imposter Instagrams under my name. Assholes. And look for the video.

And this bat. Oh, my God. I zoomed in on its face. And it tried to bite me. It started making noises. And it showed its fangs. They're scary. little critters. They're little tiny things and they got the mouth of a

werewolf. They got canine teeth and red tongues and they look like they could eat a zebra man. And so eventually they all kind of flew away and crawled away and meanwhile my roof is completely destroyed and I got to go in with a bunch of sealant and I got to plug up every little old because these things are like mice, man. I don't know if you know about bats, but they're like cockroaches. They can they can take a crack like a third of an inch thick and crawl right into it. They just squish their bodies down. You know, mice can get into any little hole.

Bats are very similar. Bats are even kind of flat, you know? So there you go, man. It's like, it's like I was saying earlier, the yin and the yang. It's like I got robbed of bats in Houston. But then they all showed up at my cottage. And so everything balanced out. and I had a bat fight with a salad ball.

Aye, aye, aye, y, y, y'all. At least it was just bats. Imagine if I had a grizzly bear come at me, and I'm waving a salad bowl at it. Come here, I'll smash you in the croutons, you bastard. So, like I said, go to my Instagram and you can take a peek at one of my little bat friends. It's got a baby and everything, and it's making. It's making nasty when I zoomed in on it. Yeesh. So there you go.

A couple of little bat stories to get your summer started in a scary, scary way. Oh! This is Harland Williams. And you're really pissing me off. Oh, you're starting to piss me off, you little pigless son, bitch. You pissed me off. Shut up, you're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck, these fucking assholes, the fuck is their problem, man.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I gotta let it out. I gotta let it out. I was, flying today. I was flying who I was flying through an airport and and things were backed up, things were delayed, things were going slow just one of those bad flying days

the people lined up at the screening thing where weren't putting their stuff in the right bins and they weren't taking their belts off and they didn't know what they were doing and they were dilly dallion and what should have taken too

minutes took 15 minutes and oh and so i'm like kind of you know i'm such a season flyer i don't want to sound like a snob okay but i get the drill i fly so much that when you know if you get behind me at a check-in line or a screening line you you almost won't know i'm there i know the drill i know to have the belt undone and off the the shoes the laces undone ready to just pop up off, everything out of my pockets, no fluids, my computer out. Like, I know where everything goes, boom, boom, boom. It's not that hard. But you get a lot of people that come through the airport who don't have a clue.

It's like you've handed them a Rubik's Cube. Hi, where are you going? Hawaii. Okay, do this Rubik's Cube, and then you can go through the security clearance. Ha, ha. Like, it's not. It just take your shit off, put it in a bin, and slide it on a belt. It's like, you know the little belt at the grocery store when you walk up

and you take your groceries out of your grocery cart and you put it on the sliding belt and they slide up to the cashier and she rings them up? It's that fucking easy, okay? You take your shoes off, you put your fucking bag on the belt, you put your belt on the belt, you put your fucking watch on the belt, your phone, it slides up right through the thingy,

just like you're going through the checker, out and then you pick it up at the other side as if there's someone there going paper or plastic all your merchandise just came down the belt pay it's think of it like that it's so easy but you get people what do I do how what do I I undo my belt what what do you mean I what's my shoes what I'm supposed to put my oh no jacket I you want me to take my my my caribou skin jacket off? Okay, yeah, let me take my top hat off and I brought a rabbit because I'm a magician, you know.

I mean, oh my God. What do you mean I can't drink my smoothie while I go through? I just got it made for $14 over in jamba juice and you're telling me you're going to throw it in the garbage? I mean, come on. People move. And so you're dealing with all that, right? And then I'm so good at it.

just whisked through, but they have this fucked up thing where they have what they call a random search. So I guess they have their little sensors that go off, their alarm systems so that every third or fourth or fifth or tenth customer that goes through, it beeps, whether you've got metal or not, and the TSA guys pull you over, oh, you've just been randomly selected for a search. And I'm like, oh, boy, aren't I lucky? And so now it doesn't matter if you're a 90-year-old woman on a cane,

if you're a four-year-old child with a SpongeBob t-shirt on, or a model, or a cripple, or fat, or skinny, or blue, black or white it, they just, it's random. And I guess it kind of makes sense to a degree, even though I don't want to admit it. But come on, man. I mean, the random search goes off and it's clearly someone who's not trouble. You can't just let them go. Okay, you got the, yeah, okay, you're 95, you're in a wheelchair.

You're at all diapers full. Just go ahead. So I go through. and I'm like whipping through and all of a sudden, oh, sir, you've been, you've been selected for the random search. And I'm like, oh, for Christ's sake, you know. And here I'm, on this occasion, I'm up in Canada.

I'm going through a city called Winnipeg. Okay, and I'm a Canadian. And I know how nice Canadians are and how polite they are and how pleasant they are, okay? I'm proud of that. I like that. But there's times when it just pisses me off so here I get randomly selected

here's the TSA guy or whatever the hell they're called and he starts wanding me and this and that and as he's doing it right at the beginning he goes just so you know sir I'm a big fan I'm a huge fan and I'm like great so you know who I am you know I'm a comedian

you know I make my living acting like a goofball and telling jokes and suddenly I'm a terror risk suddenly I'm getting the ISIS treatment here pal you just told me you knew me and now here's this guy he's thoroughly going over me

you know these here's a you know I just woke up okay I just woke up in a shitty hotel I drove to the airport in a smelly cab and now I've got a A 35-year-old nerd who can barely grow a beard, and he's a little overweight. He's telling me, he loves me, he's drooling over me, and suddenly he's got his hands on my body more than I would let a girlfriend touch me.

This guy's rubbing my tits. He's rubbing my rib cage. He's pulling the waist of my pants open and feeling inside my waistline. he's rubbing a wand that feels like a vibrator up in between my legs i'm literally getting molested it's fucking disgusting man i i am severely pissed off it's it's invasive it's ignorant it's it's really uh excessive and too much and the fact that they do it to people they know to people that are old, to people that are handicapped. I mean, come on.

It's just really, and my fuse was getting lit. So this guy goes all over me, and I've got one of these shirts. I'm wearing a plaid shirt, you know, like a grunge, like a Kirk Cobain plaid shirt, because it's comfy and it gives me just enough warmth that I don't need a jacket when I'm flying. and instead of buttons, it's got the metal clasps on it, the little things that click together. And so this guy's rubbing me with his fucking magic dildo wand. And every time he goes over one of my little buttons,

he goes, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, right? Like a Geiger counter, like some nerd on the beach with one of his coin finders just located a penny from 1974, and he's all excited. And so I got him on my collar. I got him down the middle of my shirt. And he's going, oh, man, really sucks for you that this shirt doesn't have regular buttons on it, huh? And I'm like, yeah, dude, it really does.

Bebe, beep, be, beep, beep, beep. He's making all these little comments. And I'm just getting more and more agitated. Like, this guy's touching me and feeling me and using the back of his hand to, you know, pretty much touch the top of my groin. Jesus. So he finishes, and I go to grab my stuff, and then in the plight Canadian voice, which can be a little annoying sometimes,

like, he can see, he can see that I'm lit up. He can see that I'm agitated, that I'm mad. I'm like, under my breath, I'm going, are you fucking kidding me, dude? Like, this is ridiculous. Like, I'm saying, I'm verbalizing at this point. I'm like letting him know how irritated I am. And I don't care if he's a fan.

Usually I treat my fans like gold. But this is like, this is invasive. This is ugly. So I'm just mumbling and he sees it. He knows I'm lit up. So he finally finishes this long invasive process. And I go to grab my stuff. And then another friendly goes, oh, just a minute there, sir.

We're going to put you in the machine now. I go to, what do you mean you put me in the machine? This guy just pretty much cert gave me a cavity search in front of. everybody. Well, don't worry, sir, we're just going to put you in there, hoek-de-doke. And, you know, that friendly fucking Canadian podunk, cheery, friendly guy just didn't cut it at that point. I just wanted to put this friendly fella through a friendly fucking wall, I'll tell you. Okay, sir, we're going to just jump right in there. And he literally said this to the person that stepped out ahead of him.

He goes, well, good news. It looks like you're clear. Good news. Yeah, like the old lady in the blue fucking track pants had a bomb strapped to her adult diaper. Gee, ring the town bell and let's have a street fair. Holy shit. So now they're putting me in this thing,

that x-ray machine where you have to stand there and put your hands over your head, which I've done three million times because I fly all the time. and I step into this thing and I'm just steaming man they might as well put me into a boiling pot of water like a lobster and I don't get mad easy man I don't get mad easy but I'm just I just I am I am pissed so I put my hands up over my head

the way you're supposed to the way I've done 10 million times and these fucking morons are like ah sir could you bring them in just a little closer I'm like what are you talking about Well, just bring them in just another few inches. Like, it matters how close or how high my freaking arms are. I've done this a million times. Okay, sir, and could you raise them up just a little?

I'm like, guys, are you serious? And then they've got these little footprints on the floor of the X-ray machine. They painted little footprints, and you're supposed to stand on them, you know, approximately. But these fucking, oh, sir, your toes just over the edge. Could you move your foot just to half a centimeter there, sir, and just put it right? And I'm just like, I'm just fucking fuming. And then I step out, and they're like, okay, good news, sir, get your stuff. And I had a bunch of change.

I probably had $5 worth of coins that I had in my bin, and I just left them. I didn't even, are those, are those yours, sir? I got, no, I snapped at the guy, no. And I just walked away and they're like, well, who's are they? I mean, they had like a big podunk melt-melt-well, whose coins are there? Oh, my God. You know, I'm like, you fucking idiots. And then I'm so fired up that I just grab my bag and my belt and my phone and my glasses and everything else.

And guess what? In all my emotions, in all my lit-upness, in all my seething anger and seeing red and wanting to get the fuck away from these. morons. I left my laptop. Yeah, because they make you take that out too, remember? So now I left, and thankfully, this is where the friendly part of the Canadian guys, I guess, you know, they're vindicated. It's like, I'm walking away, just there's got to be like a black cloud over my head. I'm like, God forbid, if anyone had stepped in my way. I hear in the background, laptop, somebody left off. laptop. Did anyone leave a laptop? And I'm thinking, oh, fuck that. So now I got to march back to

these podunks. And they still got that stupid, like, friendly Canadian smile. Oh, you forgot your laptop, sir. Hey, well, you're here. Why don't we patch you down again and throw you in the old X-ray machine? Just, you know, just ding. I'm like, no, they didn't say that, but can you imagine? Stop. Do you know how fast you were going? I'm going to have to write you a ticket to my New movie, The Naked Gun. Liam Nissan. Buy your tickets now. And get a free Tilly Dog.

Chilly Dog, not included. The Naked Gun. Tickets on sale now. August 1st. So, I am pissed the F off at the stupid. And by the way, it's happened in the States. It's happened in America. And you know, you know what's funny?

I just went over to Beirut. I went over to Hong Kong. I went over to Cambodia. I went over to Singapore. I went to all these freaking air. airports, you just waltz through. They don't even make you take your shoes off. They don't make you take your computer out. Just like the old days, you walk up, throw your bag down and slide through, you go out the other side. La-di-da, every other country on the planet. But good old

USA and Canada, where everyone's so anal about everything, take your water out, take your liquids out, take your shampoo out, take your computer out, take your belt off, take your shoes off, put your cell phone down, put your pants down, put your, step in nine x-ray machines, you'll have cancer by the time you get to Hawaii. It's really ridiculous, man.

Really ridiculous. So there you go. I'm glad I got it out. I'm glad I got to rant. This is Harland Williams being pissed off. Thank you. I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore.

Well, speaking of flying, on a more positive note, looking forward instead of backwards, baby. Our esteemed president, yes, our president, you, me, everyone listening, whether you like him or hate him, he's our president, announced the inception of Space Force. Yes, he announced that he's creating a new branch of the military called Space Force and its function is to, you know, is to confront potential threats to the United States or the world or our allies in outer space, in orbit, in the cosmos, if you will. Oh, as you may or may not know, the emergence of space technology, space hardware, space travel is just amping up more and more. More and more satellites are being launched into space, more and more space stations, more and more rockets, more and more, I mean, you know, as we advance as a civilization, so does our technology and so does our need to expand. And so space is a frontier that is, you know,

becoming and has been of the utmost importance. And, you know, like every other frontier, at one point it's a wild, wild west. And then suddenly it's not. And suddenly people are fighting for, you know, real estate and error rights and possible military, supremacy and things of the like and and future wars, world wars, could take place in the cosmos up there in the outer atmosphere.

And so it's something that probably needed to be established, something that needed to be done. And of course, the United States, like it normally is, took the initiative and became the leader of creating a space force. And of course, because, you know, everything Trump does is wrong and stupid and buffoonery, according to a lot of people, who in my opinion are a bit clueless, but just look at the world through their tinted red, I hate Trump glasses, regardless of what he does. But interestingly enough, but not surprisingly, I was having lunch with a friend the other day. And, you know, as soon as I brought it up, right away, the eyes started rolling and

Trump's a moron and what an idiot and really a space force. And then I kind of calmly said, well, do you remember when there was a time not so long ago when we didn't have any airplanes? Remember when airplanes didn't exist? Like what? 100 years ago, 120 years ago, maybe a little less, maybe a little more, but not that long ago. Remember when there was zero airplanes? None? And then remember when suddenly there were airplanes? And then there were supersonic airplanes? And then there were fighter jets. And then there were B-52s flying over Japan dropping nuclear weapons out of airplanes? And you remember when when the Japanese were flying their airplanes,

Torah, Torah, Torah into the aircraft carriers in Hawaii during the assault on Pearl Harbor? I mean, do we remember all the bombs that Hitler dropped over Europe and the United Kingdom, the midnight bombing raids that, you know, decimated so many families and children? Do we remember all the fighting and bombing that America and Canada and every freaking civilized country with an Air Force has done? Mm-hmm.

And guess what we did? We created a thing called the Air Force. And all of a sudden this person had no answer. They just went quiet. So it's just an example. of, you know, there were probably people 120 years ago before the Air Force existed. What are you talking about? Things flying in the air shooting? What are you crazy? What did you? They're dropping bombs? They're flying all the way across the ocean?

But yeah, that's crazy. What do you mean? They're breaking the sound barrier now? They're flying at supersonic speeds? kids? That's crazy, though you. What do you live in a fantasy world? That's crazy googly gook. What's wrong with you? And guess what, gang? Ha, ha ha. Guess what? How many trillions of airplanes and fighter jets and bombers have crisscrossed the skies of this planet, dropping their payload, dropping napalm, blasting their, shoot out of villages, cities, farms, towns. How many have died at the hands of flying things? Gee, lucky someone had the foresight to create an Air Force. I wonder if that person's a real dumb idiot buffoon as well. So mock it all you want, but if you were being an honest person?

You'd probably be commending the foresight of this president. And let's not kid us. It wasn't, he didn't sit up in bed one night and go, we need a space force. No, it's a lot of educated, smart people around him that probably conceptualized it. And he probably heard it and rationally went, you know what, that makes sense, yes.

Let's prepare for eventualities in the future. And let's not be caught with our pants. Dance down should some type of attack, whether it be from an enemy on this planet, or I know this sounds a little woo-woo, but what if one day something comes marching over the horizon through the Milky Way and we don't know what it is and it's not friendly? For those of you that assume we're the only living organism in an endless trillion billion, gazillion-mile atmosphere and universe, I don't know, that's pretty egotistical if you think we're the only living thing. Just this planet. Picture the biggest beach you've ever been on in your life

and picture counting every grain of sand and then multiply that beach by a trillion and every grain of sand is a planet or a star that goes through the endless, endless, endless infinity of space. You think maybe there's something living out there on something? Mm-hmm. So roll your eyes, mock your president, and, you know, maybe one day your children or your grandchildren will be looking up to the skies and saying, wow, thank God for that president way back then that was smart enough to be able to think about the future, and he just saved our lives.

So there you go. And speaking of the Air Force, the Space Force, and the name's a little goofy. right space force space force the adventures of space force i mean it sounds a little goofy but you know i bet when they first said air force it sounded goofy you know so who cares of it's goofy as long as it does the job you don't think america's air force has uh you know kept us safe hasn't kept us safe. It sure has. No one dare attack America unless the, you know, the Air Force fills the skies and shoots the holy hell out of anything that gets, you know, within 10 miles of us.

And to comment on this, I think, I think, Roger, do we have them? Okay, good. So we have a real space professional who can comment on this rather than me. Okay. Who is it, Raj? Yeah. Oh, cool. From JPL, the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Burbank, California.

And this guy's an avi... Yeah. Oh, okay. He's a professor of avionautics at... And he works at JPL. Great. Okay, Dennis Le Perrier. Great.

Well, let's put... put Dennis on and let's ask him about Space Force. Hello, sir. Are you there? Hello, Mr. Williams. How are you? Hello, sir. How are you?

And welcome to the Harland Highway. Well, thank you for having me. It's so great to talk to you. And great to have you. It's Dennis Le Perrier, right? Well, it's French at the end, so Le Perrier. Oh, okay. I don't even attend.

attempt to say that. Many doubt. Okay, Dennis, so what are your thoughts on this, the whole Space Force thing that the president unveiled this week? Does it make sense? Is it going to be a colossal waste of money? Is it? Well, no.

It's actually, at its core, Mr. Williams, it's actually, it makes quite a bit of sense. We live in a volatile universe where, as you know, things are flying around at the speed of light all over the place. I mean, you know, it's not like there's no traffic up in space. I mean, we're throwing things up there that just add to traffic that exists. What do you mean traffic that exists? Well, there's meteors, there's space junk, there's, there's rock, there's all kinds of things, whizzing around in space at all times.

And so, you know, having us up there would not really, you know, move the needle, so to speak, in terms of air and orbital activity. Okay, so you've kind of got this jet stream, the orbits of moving and shaking with stuff, I guess. Well, it isn't stuff, Mr. Williams. These are units of graphite, of meteororic integrity. These are things that have traveled through space for billions of years, floating and traveling, and some of them are trapped in our gravitational orbit, and they come swirling back around like, I've heard of Haley's Comet.

Yes, I have. So that swirls around every hundred years, and some of them just are passing by. Some of them get caught in our orbit, and like Haley's Comet, they go around and around. And as time goes on, Mr. Williams, the number of items that populate the airspace around our planet begins to grow. Well, that makes sense. Yeah, I guess if things are getting pulled into our gravitational pull, as you put it. That's right. Okay.

So, but in terms of putting military defense assets up there, does that seem rational? seem like, you know, are we jumping the gun? Is there a need for that now? Is that something that's futuristic? Well, you know what I always say, Mr. Williams? The future just happened a second ago. I mean, whoops, there goes. So the future's never far away. In fact, whoops, there, it just went again, Mr. Williams. Did you hear it? Well, no, I didn't hear it. I get your point, sir. Whoops, there it goes again. The future. Oh, there it goes again.

Okay, yeah, I understand your point. So you can never be too prepared, and as we keep climbing the evolutionary ladder, and, you know, we keep developing things, and we keep creating things that push the envelope of human existence, of orbital existence, of environmental existence. I mean, you know, we have to keep pace. We have to cope with all the demands that our own ingenuity brings. Well, I guess you're right. And so for those who are, you know, doubters, we probably do need this, don't we?

Oh, most definitely. I mean, you know, could anyone have predicted when World War I started? I don't think so. Could anyone have predicted that, you know, the Japanese would have attacked Pearl Harbor? Obviously not. And so we had World War II. And so these conflicts between, you know, countries and human beings, they erupt, they happen. There's sometimes no warning signs, and sometimes there is.

And so the only thing we can be doing, Mr. Williams, is be prepared. Wow. And so how do you prepare for this? How do you, I mean, obviously you're going to have to train people to be up there. You're going to have to put, you know, space shift and spacecraft into orbit and test and train, and it's got to be dangerous. Oh, absolutely, Mr. Williams. We calculate that the loss to human life will be unquestionably high.

I mean, we are working in a volatile environment where it's relentless, it's cruel, and it's unforgiving. and it's going to take what it takes. And, you know, we're human beings. We are creatures of the earth. We are designed. We are built. We are modified, if you will, evolution-wise, to inhabit this planet of oxygen and water and air and gas.

And when you get up into space, the human body cannot be deprived of all these things. Yeah, so my question is, if you're calculating that you're going to, lose a lot of human life. Boy, oh boy, who do you send up there? Well, we're thinking, you know, the illegal aliens. Pardon me?

Illegal aliens, homeless people, possibly Canadians. You know, there's no reason why Americans have to sacrifice their life to forge a way to a better life. Wait, did you say homeless people,

illegal aliens and Canadians? People that don't really get missed that much in society. I mean, we certainly value all life, Mr. Williams, but let's be honest, there are certain pecking orders in society, and some people have more value than others. And so we're quite prepared to send thousands of homeless people up into orbit, and thousands of illegal aliens, who, you know, we don't want here, anyhow, and Canadians who just seems so laissez-faire about everything that, you know, if you ask them, they'd be, you know, they'd be humming and honing one way or the other.

They wouldn't really care. Whoa. Whoa. Hold on. Hold on. Now, listen, sir. I'm kind of on board for the Space Force thing, okay? Okay. But, I mean, if you're talking about a lot of human life being lost as you develop. develop this thing and you're you're talking about throwing you know people that of lesser means homeless people and well you know to think about it you know they don't have homes and if we put them in this program in a way they do have a home and in a way you know if you're floating in orbit for eternity that can become your home so we'll have them floating around and then you know

Canadians usually carry sleeping bags and things, so maybe if they get chilly, the Canadians floating up there can keep them warm, or, you know, we always have the illegal aliens. They always carry little duffel bags and have blankets and thermos full of hot cocoa and whatnot. Sir, you can't throw human beings regardless of their status up into cold, endless space. I mean What? Well, I mean, you can be a backwards thinker Or you can be

Whoops, there goes the future again Did you just hear it? Yes, I got that the first time. So you can be a backwards thinker Or you can look forward to the future As we hear it's Space Force Plan to do And so in order to meet our goals

To achieve our objectives, Mr. Williams, we're going to have to sacrifice a few people in order to, you know, help the larger masses. Well, can't you get volunteers? Aren't there people, you know, you've got volunteers to go to space? You've got volunteers that want to go to Mars. Well, you know, volunteering is, it involves paperwork, and it involves creating a salary and a pay scale and clothing and uniforms. and things like that. But if we get the homeless and if we get illegal aliens

and we get Canadians, we basically can just tumble them into a spacecraft like a bunch of old socks and a dryer, send them up, open the door, and let them float around. And, you know, really like angels. I mean, think about it, Mr. Williams.

Who floats? It's angels. And it's, you know, the ones I mentioned. Wait a minute. They're going to be floating around doing what? Well, we, Mr. Williams. Williams, let's not fantasize here. We need to build things. You know, Space Force is going to need landing platforms. They're going to need homing stations. They're going to need refueling stations.

And, you know, let's be honest, homeless people are resilient. They live out in the streets. They're used to the cold. They're used to not bathing. Okay. And many of our illegal immigrants come over the Mexican border. And I think we all know that Mexican people are very hand. with their hands. Okay, and what about the Canadians? Well, the Canadians are just so laissez-faire that they'll just kind of, you know, do what we tell them. Oh, sir, I just, you know, I like the idea of the Space Force, but I don't think I like the way it's going to be, be, you know, erected. I don't like the beginnings of this.

Well, you know, why don't you get on your wagon? and get your wagon wheels turning and get your oxen and see how long it takes you to, you know, get pulled across the United States. We'll see you on the other side in about four years when your lips are chapped and your pants are brown and you've got arrows and your wife's back from all the Indians. What are you talking about, sir? I'm talking about living in the past, Mr. Williams. So, you know, I've enjoyed our conversation,

but I think I'd rather spend my time explaining space force to someone who's a little more forward thinking. I'm not living in the best. I'm trying to be forward thinking, but the methodology here is a little suspect. Well, why don't you go sit on the tip of the space shuttle and go fuck yourself. Goodbye. No, wait.

What the? What? Floating in space like angels? Aye, aye, yi, this is bizarre. All right, well, he's gone. We lost. Oh, my God. I mean, where do they come up with that? The gall.

Poor little helpless homeless people. Illegal aliens just trying to cross over the border to find a better life. Canadians. I'm a Canadian, man. we're gentle good people we don't need we don't need to be thrown into orbit I don't know I'm gonna have to rethink this whole space force thing now I didn't I didn't realize all this was going on but you know I don't have time to do it now we're at the end of the show

hi aye aye thank you for being here like I said off the top I had a little bit of a health issue and that's why we were late getting the show out by a day here and I'll tell you about that on the next podcast Oh, boy, there's, you want to know pain. Oh, boy, I'll tell you something that really hurt next podcast, okay? But anyways, thanks for tuning in. Let me give you a little rundown on my stand-up comedy schedule. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, July 12th, 13th, and 14th at Hilarities Comedy Club.

So come on out, get your tickets online at Harlan Williams.com. And then the next weekend, I'll be in New Mexico at a wonderful casino. Check my website for all the information. And that's going to be July 20 and 21st. And then Scoobidly do do on July 24th. Yours truly is going to be on the Tonight Show up in New York City with Jimmy Fallon. So that's going to be a blast. I haven't been on the Tonight Show for probably about a year and a half,

maybe a year and three quarters, maybe. So it's long overdue. I'm excited to go back and goof around with Jimmy. And so keep your eyes peeled for that. Also, don't forget to get our free app on your cell phone, the Harland Highway app. And if you want to become a premium member, join our premium membership at Harlan Williams.com.

get you access to every episode we've ever done and we're approaching a thousand man we're almost at 950 holy smokes this is like 948 right here we're listening to so that's a lot of entertainment backlog for for 20 bucks not 20 bucks a week 20 bucks for the whole year so if you can get through the entire collection in a year there you go that's 20 bucks well spent man Um, what else? I think that's it for now. Don't forget you can write me at harlundwilms.com and I read your emails or you can phone and leave me a voicemail. 323-739, 43330. That number is at Harlemwiliams.com in case you forget it, 323739-4330.

And we might put your voicemail on the show. How would you like to hear yourself on the Harlan Highway? I love hearing from you guys, so be sure to call. And that's it. That's all we got for today. Thank you for being here. Tell your friends to get on the Harland Highway. And until next time, chicken chalem, baby.

Or, you know, we always have the illegal aliens. They always carry little duffel bags and have blankets and thermoses full of hot cocoa and whatnot. Thank you.