The Harland Highway - 951 - Mr. Featherstone drops in. Summer songs. East Coasters, and Question of the Day!

Episode Date: July 16, 2018

951 - Harland's boss, Mr. Featherstone drops in. Summer songs. East Coasters, and Question of the Day! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, hello everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. I am your host, Harland Williams, and what a show we have for you today. Today we have the Harland Highway Question of the Day. It involves you and a part of your face and something that you do, and I'm not sure why you do it. We all do it, and it's kind of a weird thing. We probably shouldn't do it, but we do it.

And you'll find out when you hear the Harland Highway. question of the day. Also, we're going to take a call from a real friendly fella, you know, someone from the East Coast of Canada. Friendliest people in the world are going to be talking to us about, I did a podcast about security at the airport, and this friendly fella chimes in, and then later in the show, we actually call the East Coast and talk to a friendly fella on the East Coast. Yeah, pretty cool.

And then maybe a not so friendly fella. Eesh. My boss, Mr. Featherstone, you know him, the guy from the 12th floor, he owns my podcast, he runs it, he pays my bills. He pulls a surprise visit, or so I'm told, on my studio today. He just walks in unannounced and starts laying into me like he always does, like I need that. So get ready, man. It's going to be a pickle twister. Get your helmet on.

This is the Harland Highway. I have an announcement to me. You're about to go down the Harland Highway. Lock the door. I don't want to be a product of my environment. Shut up. I want my environment to be a product of me. You're riding down the Harlan Highway.

So, put off the fuck to get off this phone. I can get you off. Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantalope. Tie-on. All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway show. I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk, I can stand myself.

Keep leading on that tutor, Charlie, and you're going to get a show. shot in the mouth. Not like a man! What's the mouth with you? I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit and you know it. Hello?

Hello? Hello? Hireland. Chris here from Halifax. Just on my nightly run between Halifax and Moncton and back again. Just listen to your latest podcast there and man you did a good one there it was a great story

about the bats and all that I was laughing my ass off and I wanted to say about the incident you had there at the Winnipeg airport like sorry to hear about that getting kind of screwed over there but you know I worked at the Halifax Airport

for a time and my girlfriend worked there too for a while and we got stories we could tell you that you just could not believe about things that goes on there, security-wise. You know, they've got people working in security for one thing that, well, let's just say their dryways don't go all the way out to the road, if you know what I mean. Just kind of, if you just work there, if you're around there a lot, and you just kind of watch what goes on around there, it's really, really scary.

and they really need to take a hard look at some of that stuff because they've got people in important jobs there that really shouldn't be there. And so I just wanted to say that. And I missed you last time you were out in Halifax here and hopefully you'll get out here again before too long. Have a good summer, buddy. Chicken chalming.

Oh, man, Chris from Halifax. What a treat. What a treat. So for those of you that don't know, Halifax is a city in Nova Scotia, which is on the east coast of Canada. It's one of the maritime provinces. Halifax. Nova Scotia is the province.

Halifax is the city within Nova Scotia. And I always say, you know, people always say Canadians are friendly. They're friendly people. well, you want to see friendly pie? Like the next level of friendly, you go to the east coast of Canada, man. The people in the maritime provinces, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, and then you got Newfoundland up on top. Oh, my God, just the friendliest people I think you'll ever meet.

You know, these are people that still, when you're walking down the sidewalk, they're like, hey, how are you doing there? How's it going there, buddy? It's just, there's such a nice, nice group of people, and thank you for calling. And, you know, the reference to the experience I had at the security at the airport in Winnipeg, which is another city in the prairies of Canada. And if you listen to my podcast a few back, I ranted about how pissed off I was at the treatment I got there. and it's not just in Winnipeg, it's everywhere.

Like, I get these TSA people are trying to do a job, but boy, is it ass backwards. When they're patting down old ladies and little kids and people that they know and people that clearly aren't a threat, but they do this whole ridiculous song and dance. And, you know, to the comment here that a lot of these people that they hire,

I love your line, the driveway don't go all the way to the road. Well, let's just say their driveways don't go all the way out to the road, if you know what I mean. Great line. Love it. And so, you know, a lot of times we're dealing with these people who are touching us and rubbing us and patting us down and making, like, important decisions. And, you know, there's probably people. that maybe have a high skill level and have a high education. And then, you know, just like any job,

there's probably people that aren't the brightest. And I don't know. That whole freaking thing is a mess. Something has to change with the whole TSA thing. It just makes traveling so miserable. Thanks a lot, Al-Qaeda and ISIS. Jeez. But anyways, great call.

And the friendliest people in the world out on the East Coast in Halifax. And you know what, Roger, I think this call put me in a good mood. Can we call out to the East Coast? Do we have anyone out there that we can talk to? Yeah. Okay, see if you can dig someone up, get into the yellow pages. Call around if anyone has a friend of a friend who, works or lives out on the East Coast of Canada.

I want to talk to them, man. It makes me happy. I like the innocence and just the friendliness of the voices and the attitude of people from the East Coast. So thanks for the call, Chris, and thanks for listening. And tell all your friends out there on the East Coast to listen to the Harland Highway.

And yeah, yeah. Yeah, buddy, you know what? And speaking, it sounded like you were driving. It said, you mentioned your call you were driving. I'm guessing you maybe drive a truck. And, you know, summertime's a time where a lot of us do driving, right? Well, I mean, when we're not driving down the Harlan Highway, wink, wink. But a lot of us take road trips.

We go on vacations. We drive to the cottage. We drive somewhere fun for, you know, a summer vacay, the Grand Canyon. or the mountains or wherever, right? The beach. And a lot of times when we're driving, we see the inevitable roadkill on the side of the road, right? Good old roadkill.

And it always makes us sad, and it always grosses us out of it, because sometimes it's just like, you know, something looks like it's been hit and it's in perfect, pristine condition, and then you get the other critters that are like, you know, there's like a tire tread through the middle of their body, and then you get other critters that literally looked like someone shook up a can of soup

and dumped it in the middle of the road. Like, they're just shredded. It's like fur and pink meat, and it's just a ball of like holy hell, right? But nonetheless, we all see the roadkill. And, you know, here's what I loved about the 70s. um in the 1970s when when music was on the radio like you could have that they just played anything that was catchy it's not like today where you got to be you got to be hip hop or you got to be pop or you got to be techno or you know everything's categorized but in the 70s not that I'm that old

okay I am but in the 70s you know if something was catchy they put it on so you You could have a song about Kung Fu fighting. You could have a song called The Monster Mash. You could have a song. It could be just about anything. You know, a CB radio convoy. I mean, working at the car wash. I mean, there was, you know, as long as it was catchy,

it made it on the radio, and it became a hit. It was amazing. You know, there wasn't all this marketing and there wasn't all this strategizing, and there wasn't all this boardroom BS. It's like if you wrote a catchy song and they put it on the radio, it could be a hit. Probably the way it should be, right? So for those of you who aren't old enough to remember,

this will make you laugh. There was a guy named Louten Wainwright who wrote a song about Roadkill. Yeah. It was literally a song about dead skunks and turtles and frogs and squirrels, like just dead animals all over the road. And this guy wrote a song about it,

and it was so catchy, it became a huge radio hit. It was like a giant hit, and so you could be at any given time listening to the radio, and on came this toe-tapping catchy song about dead animals squashed all over the road. And the song's called Dead Skunk, and I thought just for fun, just for shits and giggles, I'd pop it on here.

And for those of you that never heard it, I think you're going to like it. It's so fun and silly, but at the same time it's catchy. You're probably going to catch yourself singing it later in the day. So without further ado, for all you summer travelers driving down the highways and byways of this great world of ours, Here's a song dedicated to all the poor deceased animals that we see along the way.

It's a song called Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road. Enjoy. Crossing the highway late last night. Look left and they shoulda look right They didn't see the station wagon car The skunk got squashed and there you are You got you dead skunk in the middle of the road Dead skunk in the middle of the road

Dead skunk in the middle of the road Stinking the high heaven That ain't no rose Roll up your window and hold your loads You don't have to look and you don't have to see Cause you can fill it in your all factory You got you dead skunk in the middle of the road Dead skunk in the middle of the road

Dead skunk in the middle of the road And it's sticking to high ever Yeah, you got your dead cat and you got your dead dog. On a moonlight night, you got your dead toad frog. Got your dead rabbit and your dead raccoon. The blood and the guts, they're going to make you swooned. You got your dead scum in the middle. Dead skunk in the middle of the road.

Dead skunk in the middle of the road. Sting in the high, yeah, come on, stink. You got it, it's dead. It's in the middle. There's skunk in the middle. It's skunk in the middle of the road. Sting in the high. All over the road, technicality.

Oh, you got Perushin, it's dead, it's in the middle, and it's stinging. singing a high, hi-ha. you want it to be better, not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority, plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is. just a click away that's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and

satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. The Harland Highway Question of the Day. All right, here it is. And this question is probably long, long, long, long overdue. Okay. Why is it? This is the question of the day. Why is it when we take pictures, when we're standing there and someone's taking our picture,

we always feel the need to smile. Do you know what I mean? It's always, always a forced smile. When you think about it, humans don't smile a lot. Like if you get on the subway or the bus or you're walking down the street or you watch people talking at a restaurant, smiling, you know, it's not like we smile every five minutes. Some people might not smile all day long.

So smiling often is a forced endeavor. And especially when one is posing for a picture. I mean, think of it. You know, you're standing in front of a waterfall. Smile, you got your teeth out, your eyes are crinkled. Oh, I'm smiling. You're standing in front of a building. Oh, I'm smiling.

smiling. Oh, I'm standing in front of a movie theater. I'm smiling. I'm standing in my friend's living room. I'm smiling. What is that? Like, like, if you, if I held up a picture of a waterfall, okay, a beautiful picture of a waterfall on a calendar, I doubt you'd smile. Oh, oh, yeah, nice, a waterfall. Yeah, great picture. If I held up a picture of any of the places where you were spotted smiling in your photographs, I don't think you'd smile. We don't even smile when stuff's good. Like, you know, after you finish making love, or as some of you animals like to call

it sex, sex time? I mean, is there any better feeling than right after that? You don't roll off of each other after you've made wild passionate love. Lay on the pillows and then slowly turn your head to each other and smile. Hi. Hi. Oh, that was so fun. That felt so good. I'm smiling. Right? How creepy would that be? That'd be like, you know, making love and then you roll off and you look at the person beside you and it's the Joker from Batman. Hi. Why am I smiling? Because it felt good.

So if we don't even smile after sex, why are we smiling at a damn waterfall or in front of a barn? We're standing in front of our new car or standing with grandpa. It's just weird. It's like, it's like, it's like phony. It's false advertising. There's, you know, there's no, no, nobody I know that a waterfall elicits them to smile. Standing in front of a horse doesn't make them smile. That's all put on.

But it's weird, right? It's almost like we don't think the pit, picture will be any good if we're not smiling. And so now we've got this perception of each other that we're all super mega happy. Everyone's jumping around. Oh, my God, look at Karen. She's always got this million-dollar smile. Look at there she is in front of her old school.

There she is at Starbucks. There she is out in the park playing frisbee. There she is having a picnic. How does she do it? How is she so happy constantly? Every single picture I see her in, she's just beaming. Like she's just won the lottery. it's weird right

I don't know I have this thing I do now where I have a bunch of friends and they always want to do these big group pictures right and I hope I'm not being a bit of a douche but you know with so many people it's always like a big group of friends and I always kind of secretly I don't tell anyone but I always kind of just tuck my head behind someone else so I'm always the guy in the picture where you can't see my it's just like my shoulders

or it's like the side of my body I've actually had them photoshop my head in a few times because I'm like hey man you didn't make it in the pitch and I'm like oh really yeah don't worry we're going to Photoshop your head in from another one okay cool sorry I guess I wasn't uh I don't have the guts to tell them I just I don't know I find picture taken a bit corny Interestingly enough, it's something I have to do all the time When I'm doing my shows or when I meet people that recognize me

And I do it too. I put on the big smile. Hi! But that's the way we are, so I don't have the answer. I don't have the answer. So that's why, ladies and gentlemen, today's Harland Highway question of the day is why, in the name of holy happy the clown. Whenever we take a picture, we automatically smile. Smile! The Harland Highway. Question of the day. All right. Well, we have them now? Okay, good. It sounds like we have,

we have, I asked Roger to check around, see if there's anyone from the East Coast of Canada that we could talk to because, you know, as I said earlier in the show, just such friendly people and, The salt of the earth, people. So we got a guy? What's he do? Oh, really? Okay, so he's a fisherman. He goes out like out on the ocean or is he?

Yeah, he's an ocean fisherman. Okay. What's his name? Okay. Bill Paddington. Great. All right. Let's talk to this guy.

He's just kind of a local, local guy who lives out on the East Coast. And I thought it would be fun to kind of just. have a chat with someone who's kind of not that wrapped up in the rat race, floats the oceans, and lives in a place where things are simpler and easier. Bill Paddington from the East Coast of Canada. Hello, Bill. Hello, everybody. Who's out there down there?

Hello, Bill. Yeah, who we got there is here? What are we out there? Bill, it's Harlan Williams from the Harlan Highway. You talk to our producer, Roger. Oh, the Roger there, by, what a friendly fellow that guy is. Oh, like to take him out, get him some fucking link cord in the net there, by. Um, yeah, yeah, whatever that was, uh, how are you, Bill?

Well, we got a bit of a northern eastern road in today, guys. Well, we get out of the water, we can get out, we do, do fish with the crab, we got the bodge on the boat there now. Um, could you just to say that again? You know, we got the weather for out, or we got the little lumpy out on the ocean there there. We got the boats in the harbor bay We can't get out because she lumpy And I got no Easter blown in there by

Okay I think I thought I heard something about the weather Oh she's blown like a fucking granny's Herbaugh in the wind there by She's seven of a four And she's got her before and she's got a bit of stuff Love ready to buy Okay this isn't really going to work is it

No it's not fuck off What was that Roger Sheets Well, I'm below What was that? God What a jerk. All right, let's do something else.

Good Lord. What a doorknob. Whoa, who's that? Roger? Who's knocking at the studio door? Are we expecting someone? I don't have any guests written down on my thing.

Roger? Come in. Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Oh, oh my gosh, Mr. Featherstone? Uh, yeah, that's right. Who'd you think it was? Uh, St. Patrick's Day?

No, no, sir. I didn't think it was St. Patrick's Day. What are you doing in the studio? Uh, I own the studio. How about that? Flapjackass? Sir, I'm not flapjackass. I just, I, I didn't expect you. Probably the same way your mother didn't expect you. Sir, please do not come into my studio and start insulting me. I'll do whatever I want. I own your damn studio.

Well, yes, sir, but what do you want down here, sir? I'm in the middle of the podcast. Well, that's why I'm here. What do you mean? Because your podcast is dipping in the ratings again. Again? That's right. I said again.

Kind of like what your guy friends say every time you go downtown to one of your funny little bars. sir don't start with the funny little bars downtown i do not go to funny little bars downtown oh really yeah really how about the sourdough handshake at 49th and 12th the what you heard me the sourdough handshake the sourdough handshake ah sir i don't go to a bar called the sourdough handshake Handshake. Ah, sir? Ah, huh. What do you want? I'm here to talk about your ratings. They're sliding faster than Rosie O'Donnell on a toboggan down the side of Mount Everest.

Well, I do my best, sir. I mean, you know. Well, Bella, your best isn't good enough. Maybe you should put a bra on and do your breast. Sir! Don't raise your voice at me. Tinkle tot, thunder knot. Tinkle tot, thunder not.

You heard me. And how do you suppose I raise my ratings? Well, why don't you do whatever else does? Have a celebrity on your stupid show. It's not a stupid show, sir. It's stupid if I say it's stupid because I'm paying for it. Sir? Before we go any further, let me ask you something.

Yes, sir? Have you ever farted? Sir, I don't fart on things. Quiet. Have you ever farted on an ant nest? Sir, why would I fart on an ant nest? Well, because when you do it, it scatters all the ants, and they run around with the baby ant eggs.

So? So, it's fun to see ants running away from a fart with eggs. It's funny to see ants running away from a fart with eggs. It's funny to see ants running away from a fart. with eggs. Ah. Sir, I got to imagine you have better things to do with your time. I don't know if there's anything better than watching

Fott sprinkled ants run around with their eggs. Sir, what do you mean you want me to have a celebrity on the show? I mean, you look at all these late night talk shows, right? Okay. And they've all got big time big league celebrities. Yes? Well, that's why people are talking. tuning in they're not tuning in to listen to your onion-soaked voice sir i don't have an onion-soaked voice

well maybe just to be safe you should doosh your face i'm not gonna douche my face sir god what well how do i get a big celebrity well why don't you be you be resourceful i mean use your brain be creative i'm sure you're creative when you're at your funny little downtown. Sir, I don't go to funny little bars downtown. Oh, really? Yes. Well, how about that one at 12th and fourth? Which one? The soy sauce hole. The soy sauce hole. Uh, sir? Uh, sir, I will ask Roger to help me get a celebrity, but I don't know if I'm going to get an A-lister or a B-lister. Speaking, of Listas. Have you ever farted on a Caesar salad? Sir, I don't fart on things. I'm telling you, I swear to God, it blows the croutons around.

Sir, I do not fart on Aunt Ness. I do not fart on Caesar salads. Now, I will try to get a celebrity in here. For the next show, you're going to do it. For the next show? Ah, that's right. If your ratings dip any sort, slower, I'm going to turn into a potato chip and go into a bowl of French dip dressing. What? You heard me, funkadelic fry face? Funkadelic fry face, sir. Uh-huh.

Sir? Ah! Oh, my God. Have you ever farted into the hand of a Baskin-Robbins cashier? What? What? You know, when the Baskin-Robbins, they hand you a changeback, right? yes and you grab the hand and you fart right into the cup of the hand

sir why would I fart into the hand of a baskin robbers cashier well why wouldn't you you dumbass sir this is ridiculous are you done no I'm not done just like you're probably not done down at your funny little bars sir for the last time I do not go to funny little bars Downtown. Oh, really? Yes, really. How about, uh, Nealers Funhouse? Pardon me? You heard me. Nealers Funhouse. Nealers Funhouse. Yeah, down at 19th and Broadview. Sir, I've never heard of Neal. What does that even mean? Nealers Funhouse. Well, you guys like to kneel, don't you? Sir, are you done? Yes, I'm done. Now, you get us.

celebrity on your next show are you done yes sir oh yes sir me well what do you want me to say how do you say at a boy sir at a boy sir thank you now get back to work you lazy lemon sucking loud mouth sir goodbye god goodbye sir oh my god goodbye sir oh my god Roger, why didn't you tell me he was coming in? That guy gets my blood pressure. Now we've got to get a big celebrity for the next show. Oh, yeah, yeah. What is with that guy in the farting and the funny little bars?

What, I'd believe. All right, I'm too riled up to keep going. I'm ending the show, Roger. What a dork. There you go, folks. Folks, that's our show for today. I'm a little stressed now, thanks to my boss, Mr. Featherstone, coming down here. Unannounced.

Thanks, Roger. Aye, aye, aye. All right, so let's see if I can dig up a big celebrity for one of the upcoming shows. Oh, God. Anyways, let's do some announcements and we'll get out of Dodge. had a great weekend in Cleveland this past weekend great fans out in Cleveland

there was a few pavement pounders sitting right in the front row one of them beautiful girl was there with her husband and her family and she said she liked to go bowling I think she had her car stolen at a bowling alley and just some great energy coming off

the pavement pounder fans in Cleveland so thank you everybody for coming out We have great shows, great club. And this weekend coming up, hello. Yes, July 20 and 21st. Yours truly will be in New Mexico. Can you believe it? I'll be just outside of Albuquerque, New Mexico

at the Santa Ana Star Casino. Oh my God, it's going to be so fun. The Santa Ana Star Casino, okay? In New Mexico. So get your tickets online at harlandwilliams.com. That's July 20 and 21st. And what else can I tell you? I don't think I have any other gigs.

Well, I'm going to be on the Tonight Show on the 24th. That's something. So the following week after New Mexico, On Tuesday, the 24th of July, I'll be yucking it up with Jimmy Fallon on the Tonight Show in New York. So that's going to be a blast if you're by your TV. If you're laying around eating cheese sticks and drinking yoo-hoo, turn on the telly and see your old friend yucking it up. Yeah, and don't forget to get our app. We have a free app in your app store on your phone, the Harland Highway.

get it and you can basically pick us up wherever you go every monday the show comes out you can listen to us in the office while you're jogging while you're training a seal whatever you do um what else don't forget to visit harlow williams.com where you can reserve your tickets for my stand-up shows uh you can also visit our store we have a great little store where we sell fun merchandise we'll mail it out to you. You can also call the Harland Highway hotline and leave a voicemail, the numbers at Harlan Williams.com, or you can write it down right now. 3-2-3-739-43330.

That's 3-2-3-739-43-30. Leave me a voicemail. I might put it on the show. What do you think? Or you can write me at Harlan-Williams.com. We have a contact link, and I read all the emails. I listen to all the voicemails. I can't put all of them on the air,

but I kind of pick through the ones that I think I, you know, might be interesting, or I might be able to have fun with, or they might be serious. I don't know. Don't filter yourself. Say whatever you want. The good, the bad, the ugly, and I might use it. I love hearing from you guys. And I think that's it.

That is it for now. Hopefully I'll have some announcements for you soon about season two of Puppy Dog Pals, my Disney Jr. animated show. It is about to come out very soon. I can't give you the specific date yet. Disney is in charge of all that, so I'm not allowed to jump ahead of the big Disney machine. But once they give me the green light to alert you, I will let you know.

But it's fair to say it's coming up very soon. Fear not, if you have toddlers, there are more episodes coming. Oh, yeah. And also, I might have a little sneak announcement when I'm on the Tonight Show for a different project. So tune in. I won't tell you what it is yet. I'll tell you after the Tonight Show. But if you're watching the Tonight Show, as of this moment, I'm planning to make a little announcement about something,

unless something changes. but for now I am, so we'll see. You'll see. Ah, good. I hope you're having a great summer, everybody. Get out there and have fun, do some fishing, do some barbecuing, lay out in the sun, do whatever you got to do. But enjoy yourself, because before you know it, summer's gone, isn't it? It just comes and goes so fast. So have fun, and that's it for today. We'll catch you on the next episode of the Harlan Highway podcast. Please tell your friends. And until next time, chicken chau-mean, baby.

How about the sourdough handshake at 49th and 12th?