The Harland Highway - 955 - SAMUEL E. QUOKE reads summer romance letter. Calls from listeners. Death by butthole!

Episode Date: August 13, 2018

SAMUEL E. QUOKE reads a summer romance letter. Calls from listeners. Death by butthole! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, it's the Harlan Highway Man. How you don't, y'all? Hey, everybody, it's Harlan Williams. And this is the Harlan Highway podcast. You're rolling down the highway. Great show today. Oh, my God, in the middle of summer, we have a writer, poet, romantic. Samuel E. Quowke is on the show today. He's coming in to read one of his summer romance stories or letters to us. So we'll see how that goes. I find they get a little grizzly, but hopefully this one is romantic as he promises. Also, some phone calls from you, the pavement pounders. We're going to be hearing from you and addressing some of your questions and answers and whatnot.

We are also going to reminisce a little about the days of our youth and the friends of our youth. And then also, oh my God, a crazy news story where somebody died because something went in a hole that it shouldn't have gone in. It's very graphic and very creepy. So get your nostril hairs trim. This is the Harlan Highway. I have an announcement to know. You're about to go down the Harland Highway. Lock the door.

I don't want to be a product of my environment. Shut up. I want my environment to be a product of me. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. So, put off the fuck to get off this phone. I can get sure. Maybe? Maybe not.

Maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantaloupe. Tideon. Thong. Thong. All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway Show. I'm ashamed, big daddy.

That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk I can stand myself. Keep leading on that tutor, Charlie, and you're gonna get a shot in the mouth. Act like a man! What's about you? I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit and you know it. Hello.

Hello. Hey, Harland. My name is Bakhti, and I am a big fan of yours. I remember watching your film Rocket Man in the theater a long, long time ago, with my dad who actually passed away in 2012. And it's just one of my favorite movies, actually, when people ask me what my favorite movie is, I honestly say Rocket Man because I didn't get very many, you know, daddy, daughter, moments with my father growing up. But that's one of the ones that just sticks out in my memory. We both have the same sense of humor, lacinette, all the stupid humor and hilarious.

jokes in that movie, especially when you're in the centrifuge, and someone asks you if you're ready to have fun, and you say, fun is my Chinese neighbor's middle name, and actually at the time we did have Chinese neighbors, so that was just perfect. Once again, my name is Bakke, and I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your sense of humor so much, and thanks. Wow. What a great, what a great voicemail to start off the show. Thank you. I think it's pronounced Bakke or Bakhti or boxy. I'm not sure I'm pronouncing it right, but whatever that name is, it's very unique and interesting. And thank you for that wonderful call. And boy, when you hear stories that stuff you do, work you do, humor that you put out there in the world, not only make someone laugh. and brings joy into their life, but it bonds people.

The fact that Bakke didn't have a lot of special, like, father-daughter moments, as she described with her dad, but this nutty movie that I did, Rocket Man, provided them with that just touches me. And it's funny you pointed out the joke about the centrifuge. Um, that was a, uh, a joke that I, I think I came up with that one, uh, during a rewrite. I was able to actually rewrite that script several times. I never got credited for it. If you look at the writing, I didn't get credited for any of the writing, but, uh, but I certainly went through that script many times and, and meticulously went through it and looked for jokes and scenes and, and so much of what's in there is mine, not to, take away from the existing script that the other writers worked on, of course. They did a great job, too, but I was really able to go in and modify it. And one of the jokes that I wanted to put in there was, you know, I think that the line was

danger as my middle name, or, you know, something. And I just thought, I've heard that so many times. I've heard that line so many times. And I thought, what's the comedy version of Blankety Blank is my middle name? And then I travel a lot, you know, and I meet a lot of people, and we all meet people of different ethnicities in our lives. And I've actually seen the name Fun as a Chinese name. A lot of time it's the second name or sometimes I've seen Chinese restaurants

where the word fun is in it or the name Fun, which is a legitimate Chinese. name and so when I was searching for a joke I thought that would be really funny if someone's middle name really was fun and so I realized well some Chinese people have the name fun so that's where I came up with the joke instead of danger is my middle name I said when the guy said to me goes have fun I said fun is my Chinese neighbor's middle name and it's funny because a lot of people kind of have pointed that joke out to me before as well. So I'm glad I came up with it and it's a fun joke. But a great way to start the show.

I thank you for your kind words. I'm glad you enjoy the movies and the work and I hope you love the podcast and I'm sorry your father has passed but I'm glad that somehow I was able to touch his life and your life and that's what this is all about man that's why i kind of like to do this podcast it's it's not a money thing it's not uh it's not a glory thing it's just it's just i have fun and i feel like app there's people out there that can get a laugh put a smile on their face lift their spirits i really enjoy uh putting it out there for those reasons so enough of me harping on because a bunch of people are okay enough i'm turning it off no no no

no, we're just getting started. Hang on. We're going to have some fun. We're going to make you laugh. And it all gets started right now as we are joined by our in-studio guest. Thank you for letting him in, Roger. He just slipped in while I was doing that little monologue there. This is part of the summer when we are here on the Harland Highway. We have this gentleman come in. He's a writer. He's a poet. he's a uh he just i don't know he's just really good with with romance he his name samuel e quouc hello samuel hello sir how are you today i'm good and just have you have a seat right there at the other mic and uh samuel e qualk uh writes uh wonderful flowery romantic summer uh letters that he he these are These are letters that you actually had written to some of your girlfriends or...

My acquaintances, sir. We don't use the word girlfriend. It's very brash. Oh, okay. Well, your female acquaintances, if you will, sir. Okay, some are romances, female romances. And you're kind of from the old school where you would write letters. and reminisce and talk about the romantic times you had, and exactly, sir.

Okay, and you've been on the show before. Now, I'm just going to say, Samuel, that some of your letters kind of didn't end up being that romantic. They got a letter. Do you mind, sir, if we stop chit-chatting and I get to reading my romantic letters, sir? I'm sure they don't want to hear you, sir. Well, no, that's my podcast. They do want to hear me. Are you completely sure about that, sir?

Yes, I'm sure about it. You're my guest. This is my podcast. As you like, sir. What does that mean? May I read my romantic letters, please, sir? Well, okay, I was just trying to set it up. I don't need setting up my...

writing speaks quite unequivocally for itself, sir. Oh, well, gee, a little bit of attitude there? No, just skill, sir. Skill, correct. Okay, well, then I won't say anything else. Thank you very much. I won't say anything else, and you can start reading. Well, it sounds to me like you are saying something else,

and I could have been reading 15 seconds. go. Listen, Quowk. Listen to me, please, while I read my romantic summer letters. Okay, go ahead. Read your attitude. Go read your romantic summer letters. Thank you very much, sir. You're welcome. Go ahead. My dearest felicity. Oh, I will never forget the hot, warm, summer day when I arrived by carriage at your house. Two strong white steeds pulling the carriage through the dusty streets to the park down by the lake. Your hair shimmered in the sun. Your lips ruby red, your eyes sparkling and so full of life. I took your hand in mine as we rolled

through the streets and meandered on our way to the park. The luscious green grass, the trees blooming and full of green emerald leaves. Birds singing in the branches. Crickets chirping butterflies, fluttering to and fro. Oh, Felicity, the childlike look in your gaze as we stepped out of the carriage and wandered down. towards the lake. I'll never forget how as we were heading towards the water's edge, the gardener in the park had left one of his rakes on the ground, and you accidentally stepped on and it snapped up and slapped you in the face quite hard with a resounding wooden thunk.

I heard you scream, and as you screamed, you spat three of your front teeth out into the air, blood spurting across the grass, your teeth landing near a small mouse that was nibbling on some corn husks in the grass. One of your teeth actually hid it in the head and it squealed in agony as your giant bloodied mola crunkled into its head. Do you hold it? Hold it? Excuse me, sir. Hold, just hold the brakes. Sir? Look, everyone loves the... The vision of the wagon picking up, who is it? Felicity, sir. Felicity.

Helping her into the wagon. You roll through the streets. It's hot. The flowers are blooming. You get to the park. The grass is green. Emerald green, sir, if you were listening. Yes, I would.

Green is green. Obviously not. Olive green, emerald green, grass green. Okay. And then all of a sudden she steps on a rake, a common misstep, sir. Yes, it is a common. Many people step on a rake, and it hurts. The wooden handle flies up and hits you in the face,

and in this case knocked three of her beautiful pearly white teeth out. Okay, do you have to tell that part? Do you mind if I continue with my summer romance letters? Well, I'm just saying, be careful. about, you don't have to describe everything, Samuel. I'm afraid I'm the literist here, sir, and not you. Oh, boy, okay, go ahead, Quowke. Thank you very much, sir.

I'll never forget as the gardener heard the resounding smack of wood on your fleshy face. Oh, Felicity, he charged across the park, concern in his eyes, worry in his heart as he ran up to you he forgot that he left his leaf blower on down by his side as he tried to tend to your damaged face blood squirting out of your mouth like an oyster squirting water on a beach he accidentally hit the reverse button on his leaf blower and it flew up onto your face and the reverse sucking action

sucked one of your eyes right out of its socket I'll never forget how you screamed as your eye was slowly pulled from your face like a fat man sucking meat from a bone of steak. Stop! Excuse me, sir. A fat man sucking meat from a steak bone. That's what I said, sir. It's right here on my writings.

The gardener comes running over, correct? And he accidentally hits the reverse switch on a leaf blower. That's what I said, sir. And it sucks onto her face on an eye socket if you were listening, sir. And it sucks her eyeball out. Correct, sir. Now, if I may finish... Now, hold on.

This is getting sick, qualk. Sir, if I may finish my reading, sir. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes.

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Don't throw your back out. Can you clean it up? We don't need to hear all this crap. Thank you for your input. I'm sure it will be taken to heart. And quit the sarcasm, Quack. Up yours. Now may I... Yes, you can continue!

I remember as you ran backwards, you could only see out of your one good eye. You stumbled around in the park, reaching, grasping for anything, screaming, and all of a sudden, somehow you stepped on a nest of killer bees. They instantly flew out of the ground and swarmed your face, stinging you. Probably hundreds upon thousands of lethal stings per se.

second. Within just a few moments, your screams were muffled because your skin was so swollen that it popped up and swelled over your mouth. Your own lips were covered with your own swollen beasting flesh so that you couldn't even talk. And people were screaming in the park. They thought you were a living clump of raspberry sherbet, all pink and swollen rolling around. You didn't know where to go your own swollen beastung flesh creeping over your eyes so you couldn't see your last remaining eye and you walked oh felicity you walked right into that barbed wire your hair tangled up and getting ripped out at the roots giant clumps of your long golden hair stuck to the barbed wire like a coyote trapped in a fence and stop.

Quowk! Do you mind, sir? Yes, I mind. This is, you've crossed the line. Are you telling me she was so stung up by killer bees? Yes, sir. But her skin got so red and swollen. She looked like resembled Raspberry Sherbert.

That is what the children was screaming, sir. I am not responsible for the accent. of swarms of killer bees. She rips her hair out like a coyote trapped in a fence. Yes, sir. Okay, I think we're done here, Quouk. I'm not finished. You better be finished because this is getting sick.

May I finish, please, sir? Hurry up, Quouk. Oh, Felicity, as you stumbled around, a beard formed of bees hanging from your feet. face, you look like a member of a terrorist group from a far off land, and all of a sudden a tree branch up above, thick in diameter, giant heavy wooden, solid red pine, dropped on your head, clunking you, a big bump forming on your head where there was a bald patch from where your hair was ripped out by the barbed wire. Now you look like a raspberry sherbet unicorn running

through the park, and of course being blinded by the bees and the sucked out eye socket from the leaf blower and the swollen red meat dripping over your own face. You accidentally stepped into a badger hole. I remember everyone in the whole park's heads turned dramatically as they heard both your ankles snapping underground and hold on! Enough, quouk! This is gone too far she snapped her ankles off in a badger hole correct sir oh my god may i finish uh no and i'll never forget as you tried to get out of the badger hole but your ankles were broken and from underneath an angry red-eyed badger mad and volatile that you were blocking its way into the upper world it snapped at your feet and started to eat your toes. Well, you screamed and wiggled on your, your broken ankles,

bees in your hair, your pink raspberry flesh bubbling and popping like a swamp emitting gas from its depths. And all of a sudden, we realized you had rabies. The badger had rabies, and you ran through the park felicity, screaming and renting and yelling like a giant blob of raspberry sherbet, and the police opened fire thinking you were some kind of crazed sherbet monster, a crazed wild, one-eyed, bee-covered raspberry sherbet master. Boom, boom, I'll never forget how the gunshots echoed through the air

and your body spasmed and went this way and that as it received the bullets. Stop! Out! Get the hell out! Everyone is sick to their stomachs, Quoak! Unbelievable! Get the hell out! I'll never forget how your swollen red bumps popped like acne on a 14-year-old zip-faced child. Get out! Out!

God! What a mora! That was... I feel sick! Oh my god! A Raspberry Sherbert monster... Oh, with rabies! Oh, Roger, why do we, let's just take a commercial. I need to catch my breath. I'm going to go to the bathroom and puke. I'm going to puke all over the place.

That's exactly what I did when I saw her teeth hanging on her frozen ankles of meat. Out! Hello? Hello? Hello? Wow, wow, wow, woo, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, you're right, you're right, you win, okay, okay, geez. Hello. Oh, my God.

Did I get through? Oh, my God. I'm so... Harlan, big fan. Big fan. I just wanted to have a couple questions. I was wondering, what Friday the 13th movie is your favorite,

and if you've seen the Scooby-Doo episode with Don Nott. Also, I heard a joke when I was younger. I was walking, and a guy told me it, goes, What did the snail say? What did he say? Oh, my God. That's such an old joke.

Everyone knows the answer to that. This is what the snail said. Wow. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Woo. Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. This is Lonnie from small town, Ohio. Um, first time caller.

Um, love your podcast. I'm sorry. I haven't listened to it sooner. But I had a lot of good days with that. But anywho. Love this show Love your stand-up That should be called

One Hour Ave Really But I wanted to give a little shout out To Casey in Wisconsin You told him a joke last time A couple podcasts ago Because he was feeling down And now

Wait What I don't know Lonnie Oh, no, Lonnie, you got, somehow you got cut off. Every now and then we get a voicemail and it gets cut off, whether you have bad reception on your cell phone or you're doing the old violin thing where you stick your cell phone into the corner of your neck

and it presses a button. So definitely wanted to get your feedback about, because a few weeks ago, a guy phoned in, Casey, and he was feeling down and he was feeling blue, which is something that happens to the best of us from time to time. And he asked for my advice or my thoughts on how to cope with feeling like blah, right? So I kind of laid it out there for him and shared some of my thoughts. And I guess Lonnie here was kind of responding to all of that.

kind of back and forth with Casey on his uh him feeling down but you got caught off Lonnie so what we'd like to do is if you can phone back and finish your thoughts because it sounded like you might have had some advice for Casey or even some advice for me I don't know but if you hear this and if you if you do get the chance to finish your phone call call us back let us know what you were thinking. Sorry you got cut off and we'll play it. We want to hear what's on your mind. All right. All right. Enough there, Scooby-Doo. And by the way, speaking of Scooby-Doo, I should probably answer the question from the other call. There was a couple of them. Did I ever see the episode of Scooby-Doo with Don Nott's. Yes. And there wasn't just one. Don Nott's was like a

regular character for a little while. Don Nott's was actually incorporated into the show for a little bit, maybe a season or two. So it wasn't just one episode, my friend. So I can't narrow it down, but I did see it when I was a kid. And then my favorite Friday the 13th movie was the first one, of course. Why? Because, you know, know, it was kind of the, I was kind of privy to the shock and awe of that movie. Whenever something becomes a big franchise and you do a bunch of sequels, well, you kind of know what you're getting. But when I was a kid, you know, we went to, me and my buddies went to this unassuming movie called Friday to the 13th. And you're like, okay, what's this about?

And then you start watching the movie and it's a bunch of kids camping at a beautiful lake. and you're like, all right, what's, how can this be scary? And then sure enough, man, just little by little, that movie unraveled. And all of a sudden, you know, people started dying. And there's, there's Jason Voorhees with a freaking goalie mask on and a machete and, oh, my God. And then the surprise ending when, when Jason pops up out of the bottom of the lake and grabs the girl in the canoe and, you know, And you got to remember that was at a time when, you know, real like slasher movies were just kind of getting going. Like I think Friday the 13th was one of the first ones where teenagers like me and my buddies saw a movie where like people getting their throats cut open and getting pickaxes in their faces and getting stabbed.

And it was kind of the first time you really got to see like tons of blood and all those special. effects where it looks like people are getting slid open and not that I love that stuff but as a kid it was you were just like kind of in like I said shock and awe you're like whoa where is this coming from I've never seen that before so for that reason A I liked it because it was the first one it broke a lot of barriers it broke a lot of boundaries in the film industry and secondly I love it because it reminds me of time spent with my high school buddies. I remember my buddy Mark Schiffer. He was one of my best friends in high school.

I called him the Schiff. Mark Schiffer the Schiff. Great name, man. He was such a great guy. And then one day he met a girl and they became like a couple and they got married and they went on. And almost about half a year after. he started dating her he was just out of my life i have a feeling she whispered in her ear because i was a troublemaker back then dudes i was i was i was a naughty kid i was a troublemaker

and so i i think she probably to her credit was smart enough and say hey a shift you might want to keep away from this one and i was a wild child it took me a few years to kind of realize i was a troublemaker but once i once i got my act together and realized i was a troublemaker. I like cleaned up pretty good, man. I stopped being a troublemaker real fast. And, you know, when you're a kid, you have those defining moments, right? Where you, you kind of wake up and you realize, oh, I'm not the best kid, or I stole something, or I wrecked some kid's bike, or I was mean to that girl, or I was mean to that guy. And as a kid, you don't know all the nuances of being a human being yet.

And so I was a troublemaker, but the shift was also a trouble. We were troublemakers together, man. We were like inseparable. We were like the, we were like the hearty boys, but the evil ones from hell. Right? And then he met this beautiful girl, and

I think she kind of saw all the good qualities in him, but probably saw that I was a bad influence on the shift. Right? And so again, I don't blame her, but I do feel bad because I lost like one of my best friends like we were like really tight we we were like bonded man and I thought we'd be buddies till the end of time you know like for sure

and all of a sudden he was just like he won't even return my calls he i think she just said nope if you want to be with me you get rid of him and so i i don't have any bitterness i don't begrudge them but i sure do i sure didn't miss the shift in my life man oh chef where are you chef the chef i missed the chef so anyways friday the 13th this is what happened the ship went to see friday the 13th without me and we were buddies and we loved all that stuff and he was like he came back he's like dude you got to see this movie oh my god friday the 13th oh my god it's so crazy it's so and he was so like enamored with it he loved the Schiff loved Friday the 13th so much he said I'm going to go again with you I think he just wanted

to see my reaction and so we were sitting in the movie thing we went back again and in those days as kids we didn't have a lot of money so he put out some extra bills to go see the same movie like a few days later and I think half of them was watching the movie and half of them was watching me getting terrified so there you go good memories love the movie Love my time with the Schiff. And so that's why I'm always going to say Friday 13th. The original is my go-to. Okay?

And just for the record, too, I probably mentioned this before, but I actually did a voiceover. I was one of the voices on Scooby-Doo episode. It was my favorite cartoon when I was a kid because I loved monsters. I loved ghosts. I found the other cartoons so boring, Like the Warner Brothers ones

Or all anyone ever did Was try to like destroy each other Like they'd smash each other with a hammer Or blow each other up Or hit them with an anvil And I was just like, this is so boring It's the same joke time after time But I loved monsters and aliens and ghosts

And creatures So I love Scooby-Doo And I also loved that there was like a little bit of a mystery To unravel. You never knew who it was going to be, right? So when I got to do a voice on the Scooby-Doo show, when I moved here to Hollywood, oh, my God. It was golden, man.

I got, because sometimes you do voices and you just go into the sound booth alone. And sometimes you go in with the whole cast. And in this case, I was with the whole freaking cast. And I got to watch Casey Kasem, who was, he's dead now, but he was the original voice of Shaggy, Casey Kasem. and one of his famous catch phrases is Zoinks. Remember, Shaggy always used to go, Zoinks! Zoinks! Like, look out, Scoob! It's the minor 49er!

So I got to be in the booth while Casey Kasem said, zoinks! And that just, that almost made my whole career. I don't think anything has made me happier than that moment. So thanks for the memories. and there you go. Those are my answers to your probing questions. The Harland Highway.

Crazy news stories. That's weird. Yeah, it is strange stuff. Yeah, it is strange stuff when you have a headline like this. Are you ready? Oh, boy.

Man arrested for allegedly killing coworker by forcing compressed air up his buttocks. What the hay-ho? All right, let's get into this, man. This happened over in Japan. They're into some wild stuff in Japan. You know, we always think of the Japanese as so plight and bowing and quiet and timid.

but you see stories like this and you hear about some of the nutty sex stuff they're into and they're kinky man there's something going on with the Japanese folks man so here's the story Japanese authorities arrested a man Saturday after another person died when he allegedly shot compressed air

into their rectum as a prank You know, because nothing's more funny. There's no funnier prank than, you know, the old cellophane over the toilet seat, the old bucket of water over the door jam, the old high-pressure air hose up your butthole. Yoshikia Shawaara, 34, was arrested for the accidental killing

of Alkio Ishuruma, 46. The incident took place. at some kind of manufacturing plant and the two were apparently fooling around on their break when they took the air compressor and injected a blast of air in between Ishumarra's buttocks. Yeah, fooling, there's a difference between fooling around on a break is like, you know, maybe ruffling each other's hair.

Maybe you give a guy a nougy. Maybe you pull the chair out from under him and he falls down on the ground and you're fooling around. Maybe you're making paper airplanes. I don't know when a air compressor hose up the butt became fooling around. Ishamuroa began to feel ill minutes after the prank and was taken to the hospital where he He later died. Yikes! Yusha Odi Tha reportedly admitted to committing the crime.

Quote, it was a tragic accident, but not the first of its kind, the police said. The air compressor was pushed up against the anus over clothing, not directly into the cavity, and the release of the air into the body probably damaged the lungs causing death. We are waiting for the results of an autopsy, which is still being seen. Scheduled. Oh, there's always those guys. You know those guys. We all know those guys that like to pray, think that your private parts, your genitalia,

your private areas are up for grabs when it comes to, quote, fooling around. How many of you know that one guy that likes to, like, sneak up behind you and like smack in the nuts? Right? or stick his hand in your butt crack or grab your bollies or or you know poke you with things in the in the in the genitalia like there's always there's always these guys right i've known a few guys they're just walking by and they whack you lightly in the nuts so that it hurts a little bit but it doesn't cripple you so this sounds like one of those guys who's like hey man i think I'll jam some air into this guy, you know?

It says an incident of this nature isn't exactly unheard of in Japan. Oh, boy, be careful if you go to Japan. Apparently people are walking around with high-pressure air hoses waiting to stuff them in your anus. It says two men working at a waste disposal factory accidentally killed their coworker. after poking him in the buttocks with an air compressor in December 2017. They were both reportedly arrested on assault charges. In another incident, a coyote student died on January 1st after been poked in the rear with an air duster blower.

Good Lord, somebody called Samuel L. Quowke. Sounds like something that fits into one of his l. love stories. Do your mind, sir? Shut up! Get out of air. Japan's self-defense forces have also been a culprit of the prank. Air compressor inflicted injuries have sent several to the hospital with serious wounds. I got to tell you, man, if I got an air hose up the you-know-what hose,

I don't think I'd want to live. I'd rather just go out. You know what? kill me with your with your butt hose prank i don't want to walk around the rest of my life like a crab that's been run over by a cement mixer because my legs don't work properly because you put a you put a hose in my buns good lord talk about a blow job um so there you go there's your crazy news story uh what would we learn from this folks go out and buy a cork if you're going to Japan, get your favorite bottle of wine, open it, save the cork, and put it where the sun

don't shine, because apparently it gets really windy down there. Crazy news story. And on that note, I'd say we blow out of here, man. I'd say we blow the hell out of here. We've had a long show, had an interesting show. I don't know what's creepier, the Air Hose thing or Samuel E. Quoq's creepy love letters. Anyways, that's it for today. Let's wrap it up. I don't think we can top that story, can we? Or bottom that story, as the case may be. What can I tell you?

No stand-up comedy gigs until September. And that's going to happen up in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. Me and my buddy Tom Green. are going to be up in Calgary doing a show together on September 13, 14, 15 at the Blackfoot Inn in Calgary at the laugh stop. And it's going to be a blast, man. Me and Tom really have a good time together. It's going to be a great show. Go to Harlandwilliams.com. Go on the stand-up comedy tour link and see if you can get yourself a ticket. It might be sold out already.

I don't know, but the tickets are going fast, man. me and Tom. Hell yeah. And then if you want to call me and leave one of your crazy barking voice messages, you can call the Harland Highway hotline, 323-739, 43330. And if you don't remember that number,

it is on the website at Harlanwilms.com. You can also write me there. There's a contact link. And you can also go to our store and buy fun little gifts. There's little presents, t-shirts, DVDs, comedy specials, movies, all Harland Williams-related stuff, stuff that I've created and put out into the universe for you to enjoy. What else? What else? What else? If you want to become a premium member, that's $20 for the year.

You get every episode of the highway we've ever done. Hello, $20. Dullo. And if you want our free app for your phone, just go to your app store. Type in the Harland Highway and you get the 50 latest episodes absolutely free. That's a lot of episodes. And 20 bucks gets you the whole collection and good, good times. So there you go, gurgle blargens and snorgle glargans. Hope you're having a great summer. Hopefully Barbecue Eddie shows up again soon before the summer.

winds down, see if he's getting his barbecue on. And that's it. Hope you're having a fun time. Be safe. Be happy. Tell your friends to get on the Harlan Highway. And until next time, chicken. Chalman, baby.

And of course, being blinded by the bees and the sucked out eye socket from the leaf blower and the swollen red meat dripping over your own face.