The Harland Highway - 956 - AUNT RUTHY calls the show. Summer CRITTERS. Harland is pissed off!

Episode Date: August 20, 2018

AUNT RUTHY calls the show. Summer CRITTERS. Harland is pissed off! And CRAZY NEWS STORY about testicles! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, everybody. You're listening to the Harland Highway podcast. How are you today? Summer. Summer is going on. And what a show we have for you today. I'm Harland Williams. I will be hosting the show, as always.

Did you think it would be anybody else? Maybe you want someone else. That's not nice. What the... But anyways, speaking of summer, today we're going to be talking about summer critters. Have you bumped into it? any weird summer creatures.

It always happens every summer a spider, a bug, or something weird. So I've had a few encounters I'm going to tell you about. Unbelievable. And then also later in the show, Aunt Ruthie's calling in. I guess there's been some trouble up in Rochester with some of the neighborhood kids. She left a crazy, unbelievable voice message. So we're going to be playing that for you. And also a crazy.

crazy, crazy news story. Oh, my God. There's a place somewhere in the world, I won't say where, and they've created a new taste in beer, and you'll never guess how they make the damn beer. I don't know if it's a beer you'd ever, ever want to drink. So we're going to talk about that, and so many other things. Let's go. Put your nose hairs clippers in. This is the Harland Highway. I have an announcement to me. You're about to go down the Harland Highway. Lock the door. I don't want to be a product of my environment.

Shut up! I want my environment to be a product of me. You're riding down the Harlan Highway. So, could I have to fuck to get off this phone? I can get you off. Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantalope.

Tygon. Tygon. Taugon. Taugon. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk. When I'm drunk, I can stand myself.

Keep bleeding on that tutor, Charlie, and you're going to get a shot in the mouth. Act like a man. What's about you? I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan William. The rest is bullshit, and you know it. Okay, it's summer, and I think it's time for a crazy critters update. You know, in the summer you always see weird critters coming out of the bushes and from under the rocks and out of the trees and wherever the hell they hide.

Okay, so I saw some interesting critters this summer. Most recently, I went into my bathroom the other night. You ever have one of those, like, wake up late in the middle of the night. You have to go pee scenarios? Doesn't happen to me a lot, but I don't know. I must have been chugging some coax or something, man. But I don't know. I think it was about two, three in the morning.

My eyes open. Man, I got to go pee, man. I got to release. So I get up, go to the bathroom. I live in California and this time of year it gets kind of hot here and I flick on the light

and sitting on the bathroom floor a scorpion I got a poisonous scorpion I just want to get up and relieve myself okay I didn't expect to wake up at 3 in the morning and be on a nature show I didn't expect to be on Discovery channels

I shouldn't be alive I didn't want to be on animal planets, prey. Have you ever seen that show? Prey, it's about people that have been the prey of wild animals. Bear attacks and mountain lions and, you know, I just wanted to do a little midnight tinkle. Suddenly I'm confronted with a poisonous crab creature sitting there between me and the urinal. I'm like, holy crap. I'm glad I was sort of half awake.

Imagine if I'd been more like, you know, sometimes you stumble out of bed and your eyes are barely open and you're walking into the wall and you're... I mean, you know, we all get the ants and the cockroaches and the spiders. It's not often you get a critter that's loaded with poison to potentially kill you, maybe. If not kill you, like, cause severe pain and damage and suffering. Suddenly, I felt like I was in a James Bond movie, you know?

He's at a swank hotel. He's been rolling around with Moneypenny all night. Excuse me, Moneypenny. I'm going to go and relieve myself. But make sure you're ready for when I come back, dog. right and uh you know he goes to use the bathroom and some guy all dressed in black some russian oligarch spy is hiding on the roof and he he lowers a scorpion onto the bathroom floor hoping that bond steps on it my goodness i was going to take a tinkle but i better back away there's a poisonous scorpion there dog

Maybe I should tinkle on the poisonous scorpion, give it a taste of its own medicine. Moneypenny, come in here and hold my golden gun. So anyways, man, it's a little shocking. And, you know, here I'm wondering like, okay, if I hadn't seen it in the bathroom, where else would this thing crawl? Would it crawl up on my bed? Would it crawl in my sheet? would it go and seek out warmth,

which is usually, you know, the armpits or the groin area. That's all you. I got a little itch down in my groin. Ow, what the hell? Do I have crabs? Hell no. I got scorpions. I mean, come on, man.

So I don't know. This thing must have crawled in under a crack in the door or something. I've had them before. I remember I was laying in my living room. watching TV one night, and I just saw a scorpion go whipping across the floor on the tile floor. Okay, so then we go from, I think, as scorpions, is it an insect? I'm, I guess I don't know technically the classification of a scorpion. I think it's an insect.

I don't think it's a reptile or an amphibian. I think it's an insect Maybe it's some kind of fish I mean it's got crab claws What kind of it lives in the desert And it's got crab features What kind of mixed up critter is this Anyways I went from an insect

To a reptile This was fun So I was visiting a friend Down in Florida And in between The house there was some friends and then the neighbors and we were we had a there was a trail that went in between the houses along the beach and on this trail it was like palm tree and and bushes and pretty thick but but there was a clear trail through the bushes that went from one house to the other probably about the the distance of a football field or half a football field or something so it wasn't a big trail it was like you know took you about about a minute and a half to cross it.

But I was crossing over in the dark. It was probably around 11 o'clock at night or something. And I'm crossing over by myself. I got the flashlight. And I get halfway across. And all of a sudden, just by luck, you know, sometimes you shine the flashlight down by your feet. Sometimes you shine it a little, a few feet ahead of yourself.

Well, in this instance, I shone the light. I don't know, about five, six feet in front of me. And all of a sudden, on the trail, slithering across the trail, right in the middle of the trail, is a big fat, probably about a three and a half foot long, four foot long cotton mouth. And if you don't know what a cotton mouth is, it's a poisonous form of rattlesnake or something

that lives down in the south. And from what I've been told, they can be fairly aggressive. But, you know, most rattlesnakes will sit back and rattle and give you fair warning that you're getting too close. But apparently the cotton mouth is a little more ornerary. Ornery. And they like to lunge out at you. They don't give you the graciousness of a little rattle warning. Hi, rattle, rattle, I'm full of poison.

I'm going to kill you. Rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle. Nope, the codmouth apparently just like, hey, don't, what the hell are you doing near me, boy? Well, I'm going to come over there and bite you and inject you full of poison, that's what I'm going to do. Snap. Yeah, so here's this big fat, this thing,

the diameter of this thing was huge. It was like the roundness of like a hockey puck almost. Maybe a smaller version of a hockey puck. puck but it was it was fat and healthy and it was it was like shimmering you know how snakes have that that glossy look on their body it was shimmering in the flashlight and i love snakes i love critters but but you know i ain't messing with a poisonous snake man and i'm just thinking life's all about timing right like what if i had walked down the trail 30 seconds sooner or 30 seconds later and this snake had already crossed the trail.

As I said, it was in the middle of the trail. But had it crossed or was waiting to cross, and I walked right by it while it was sitting at the side of the trail, it might have just lunged right out and bit me. And so I'm kind of lucky and give grace that this thing was right out in the middle exposed. Because snakes, these type of snakes are ambush predators. And they're very good at just sitting and waiting quietly till something that moves comes near them.

And so I was debating, I was standing there, and I'm like, oh, do I, do I go around it? Do I wait till lacrosse? And I was seriously thinking about just kind of waiting it out for a minute. And then all of a sudden, to the right of me, I start hearing in the dark, it's like, be be, be, be, be, bha, and I know from, because I've been on this same trail before a few months ago I was there and during the daytime,

I stumbled on a family of wild hogs, wild boars they call them. And apparently they can get aggressive too. So now I'm standing in the dark with a flashlight, face to face with a four-foot cotton mouth, glimmering in the light. And I'm debating like an idiot whether to go around it when all of a sudden to the right of me in the dark. I hear, and I'm like,

holy crap. What did I walk on a Noah's ark? There's a, it sounds like there's a wild pig and this thing was just as close. Like, probably like four or five feet away and I shone the light and I couldn't see anything.

And I'm like, what that? I'm getting, this is nature telling me to back. I'd be safer in my scorpion riddled bathroom right now. I'm backing my arse up. Usually I don't back away. I mean, you know, this is a guy I used to work up in Northern Canada and I'd wander for hours through the dark at night without a flashlight even.

And this was in bear country, man. I'm used to like walking through the dark at night. I don't get freaked out by it. I don't know why. Maybe I should. Maybe now I am. I'm afraid to go to my own bathroom. Hi, aye.

So anyways, I just backed my ass out and I went and, got in my truck and I drove around to the other house. Lordy. So, speaking of pigs, here's my third summer critter encounter. I'm driving down Hollywood Boulevard the other. It cut from one jungle to the other.

You cut from nature's jungle to the concrete jungle. I'm rolling down Hollywood Boulevard, heading home to my house. And I come up to a light. And right there on the side of Hollywood Boulevard is some goth-looking chick, you know, some Hollywood dreamers, like all of us, you know, tattoos, the black eyeliner, the cute haircut, you know, everything to stand out in case a producer drives by and goes, oh, my God, I want to make you a star, baby. You know, that's what everyone thinks when they come here. And I'm not saying, don't think that. That's what I thought.

You got to have your dreams, man. But typical Hollywood, you know, kind of fair. And I look and this girl's just standing at the side of the road. I'm like, what the hell is she standing around for? It's like a hundred degrees out. I look. She's walking a pig. Or in this case, it looked like one of the wild boars from the trail I was just on.

You know, people have the little pop-belly pigs, like the cute. little, you know, the size of a puppy or the size of a poodle, you know, chubby little, cute little, you know. Okay, I don't know if this girl, like, didn't do her homework or her pig work or her Farmers.com work or whatever.

But, uh, this nut. Her pig had somehow like blossomed, gone through puberty. This thing was full grown, man. This was like, a big giant farm pig and I'll tell you what it had it had tusks coming out it had it had big fat teeth coming out from the from under it in its mouth it wasn't like a friendly little pop belly pig this thing looked like one of Hannibal Lecter's like you know let's eat some

dead bodies pig I mean it was a little unnerving to see this thing right at the side of the And what had happened, it kind of looked like the pig was having a standoff with the goth girl. Because pigs can get very stubborn. You know, if they don't want to move, man, it's hard to move a pig. And this thing was full grown. I mean, this thing was almost bigger than my car. I'm like, only in Hollywood. Here's this little goth girl and a little skirt and black lipstick and Dracula hair.

you know, and she's walking a giant farmers-only.com pig. It's like, it's literally we're in a heat wave, so I'm just waiting for this pig to bust out and become bacon. It looked like it was cooking. But it looked like it wasn't happy to be out in the heat, so it wasn't moving. And this goth girl had a leash and a harness on this big giant pig, and I'm like, this is just ridiculous.

And you can see the pig was just standing there. It didn't want to move. And I'm thinking, I bet this girl was trying to pull the pig. The pig was like, are you kidding me? It's 102 degrees. I'm a pig. Underneath my skin is bacon, you idiot. Why don't you just throw me in the fry pan at home, goth, chick?

Right? And so you know what happens when you try to pull a pig or you push a pig? They go nuts. They have squealing fits. They scream. It's like someone getting attacked in a back alley. Right? So the goth chick was probably like freaking out,

didn't know what to do. And so this pig was just standing like a statue. It's big tusks hanging out of its mouth. It almost looked like a wild wart hog from the plains of Africa. Maybe they were locked in feet. and frozen because there was a pride of lions on the other side of the road. I should have looked. So there you go.

Those are some of my summer creature sightings. It's been exciting. It's been dangerous. And it's been a little absurd. So if you have any creature, summer creature critters you want to share with me, you can shoot me an email or you can call me. 323-739, 43-30. I want to hear about your encounters with summer creatures. 323-739-43-30. And that number is at Harlemwilliams.com if you can't remember it

because you're so frazzled from seeing a giant night creature. So be careful. Watch yourself and, you know, get your insurance up to date. at Geico or Affleck or wherever you're with, which ironically, you know, all these insurance places are run by creatures, ducks and lizards and, oh God, can't get away from it. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex?

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Don't throw your back out. Heavens to Mercatoride. Given. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird. Wow. That's strange stuff.

All right. Well, I figure, you know, since we're talking about critters, we might as well. stick with the theme and there's this crazy news story I got to read you here and it involves the critters uh here's the headline this Icelandic craft beer is made from a giant whale testicle huh did you like your beer do you like uh do you like a little uh head on your beer Do you like a little testicle on your beer? I mean, good Lord.

Can you imagine? This dish is a fine brew. Hmm, taste a little nutty. A little nutty taste after taste. Now that's not a nut. That's a ball. It's like a ball after taste. I mean, good Lord.

Here's the story, okay? There's a place in Iceland called the, The Stedgy, you know, the Icelandic people, they put Ds and Js and I's all over their words, so who can read them? They're just random. Let's throw a D and a J onto that word there. Put an eye, put two eyes together and a J on the end and a couple of D's. Throw some extra did.

So here it is this. The Stedgy Brewery is making a new beer called Havel. made with whale testicle smoked in sheep's dung. Okay, so it's not enough that we have a beer made out of a whale bag. Let's really step it up and we'll brew it in sheep shit. How about that? And just to give it a little aftertaste, let's get some giraffe vomit in here. And a little splash of hippod.

diarrhea. What the hell of these? What are they brewing this stuff around a big iron pot in the middle of the night with witch's hats on? E-he-he-he. Boil and bubble, double in trouble. Let's throw some fucking fat blubbery whale balls into the bubbles. What the hell is going on in Iceland? It's just crazy. I mean, good Lord, man. Do you really want to be drinking whale nuts? They say the taste has been described as being like a porter with hints of caramel and a smoky, meaty aftertaste. Ew.

I think you could get that same smoky meaty aftertaste if you're giving someone a tea bag. How about that? Not that I've ever done it, but if you want that smoky meaty aftertaste, just get out and start teabagging. And when you're done tea bag and have a normal beer, how about that? A meaty, after, how about a nutty, bally, ball sack aftertaste? They say it's one of the most controversial beers in the world. Yeah, no kidding.

It's a brew steeped in Icelandic tradition. Holy God. That's a tradition to be drinking liquor. Aquified whale balls. I don't want to be there for Thanksgiving. What do they do for Thanksgiving? Here we have a turkey. What do they do over there?

Yeah, we got some giraffe vulva here today. Who wants a white lip or dark lip? It's like, what the hell of these people are getting into? The brewery gets the testicles from Havular, are the only icelandic company allowed to hunt the fin whale okay well that's interesting how about the only company in the iceland that gets to you know what's it called when you neuter a whale now it isn't without controversy this beer many animal rights activists have protested this beer for its use of endangering the fin whale.

Yeah, you know, I agree with that. I don't think whales should be butchered up just so some idiot, some Uber driver in Iceland can get drunk after his shift. I've had a long day driving through the fjords and down the Fijerger de-chargers. And oh, I'm tired. I need to cap off my day with a big, tall pint of whale nuts. Mmm. Oh, that's a nutty flavor there.

Oh, wait a minute. Bartender, there's a, Jesus Christ, there's a pubic hair in my beer. That's the length of a ball of yarn. What is that, a whale pub? That's huge. Hold on. maybe I'll make me a whale bag Pube, a whale bag Pube sweater.

I'll make myself a drinking jacket out of whalepube. They say they got a lot of email threats about it from activists abroad when the company first started brewing this wail nut beer. Yeah, I can see that, man. even so with craft beer becoming a trend in Iceland this recipe apparently continues to be the perfect recipe I mean what you can't grow some barley and some hops and some wheat how about that for a perfect recipe

they say the location is remote but it's well worth a visit to this remote Icelandic town Yeah, remote is right. It sounds like you guys got a little bored. We're looking for stuff to do. It's like, I'm tired of sitting around here, Vlandander. What could we do today? I don't know.

I'm kind of hot and thirsty. You want to go smash up some whale balls and, you know, get some sheep shit and make something to drink? Well, we could just go to the grocery store and get some Kool-Aid and pour the colored crystals into a jug of water and stir it up and drink it. Yeah, but, you know, I'm really craving like whale balls and sheep shit, bro. You're right, what was I thinking? Let's do it.

Holy God. So there you go, man. More crazy critter news. And I wonder if Newman's own is going to get into that. Newman's own Whale Ball Lemonade Seeped in sheep shit, moose sperm, and unicorn snot. Enjoy.

Don't piss me off. This is Harland Williams. You're really pissing me off. You're starting to piss me off, you little pigly some bitch. You pissed me off. Shut up, you're pissing me off These fucking assholes These fucking assholes

The fuck is their problem, man Oh yeah, I'm pissed off Oh, I'm pissed off, real good and deep and hard like I'm pissed off So here it is, I mentioned earlier in the podcast And I was down in Florida visiting and on the way into Florida I flew on an airplane that's how you get to Florida you fly so I fly into Tampa you ever heard of Tampa Florida so I fly into Tampa and we come in and Florida very often because it's humid and it's Florida and it's the south there's

always big billowy clouds in the sky and there's there's rain on the horizon and there's the afternoon tropical showers that last for 10 minutes and then dissipate. But Florida is known as one of the highest lightning strike places on the planet. Okay? In fact, I'm reading a little blurb on the internet here. Okay. It says Florida is the lightning capital of the United States. And central Florida from Tampa to Titusville has the added distinction.

to be called Lightning Alley because of the frequency of electrical storms the state has okay so here we are in Lightning Alley does it get any more lightning than that

and you know there's lightning going off all the time we land in Tampa okay we're rolling up to our gate it's a long flight from from Calais California to Tampa is a long flight. That's like a five-hour job.

So you're tired. You want to get gone. You want to get out. You've been sitting. You know the drill. Any flight over three hours is grueling. So we land. We're rolling along the tarmac.

We're literally probably about 60 to 50 feet from our little gate. You know where the little tube rolls out and attaches to the side of the plane and you You open the plane and you walk into the tube and suddenly you're in the airport, standing there at Applebee's or whatever's in the airport. So we're like 60 feet from this damn thing. I can see it out my window. And all of a sudden the plane rolls to a stop. Captain comes up.

Ladies and gentlemen, due to lightning in the area, we are going to, as protocol suggests, we are going to stop short of the gate. the ground crew has gone in the building. There has been a lightning strike within 10 miles of the airport. And protocol says that they must clear the tarmac for 15 minutes after a lightning strike before coming back out and attending to the aircraft. I'm like, wait, what? 15 minutes?

There was a lightning strike. Now, I'm looking out the window at the weather. There's no big clouds over. There's no lightning storm close, but in the distance, I can see some gray rolling clouds. I can see that the weather's looking a bit choppy. In the distance, when I say distance, I'm talking probably about 10 miles away. Okay? And so I'm thinking, wait a minute.

What the hell? So we're going to sit here for 15 minutes. We're 50 feet from the gate, and the grounds crew won't come out because there was some lightning. So I'm a little perturbed. I'm a little okay, I guess. Safety first. I get it, you know. So here we go after 15 minutes of sitting there

after a five-hour flight. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, good news. We've been cleared to pull forward to our gate. And here, oh, oh, wait a minute. No, we've just been called back. There's been another lightning strike, ladies gentlemen. As protocol demands, we will sit for 15 minutes and we will let you know.

And I'm like, wait, what? So these guys are coming out to take us 50 feet to the gate. All they got to do is stand there in their orange vests and their little plastic orange flashlights and watch the plane roll 50 feet, which probably takes about 32 seconds. And we're done and then they can go inside. But nope, we're going to sit there for a

Another 50 minutes. So now it's half an hour we're sitting there in Lightning Alley. And sure enough, 15 minutes later. All right, ladies and gentlemen, good news. We are ready. Oh, oh, wait. Oh, I'm so sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I've just been told that we cannot proceed.

There has been a lightning trial. And I'm like, whole, I'm literally in my seat. Now I'm starting to swear under my breath. You know, you get to that. You get, I'm like, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me? This is a bunch of fucking bullshit. Like I'm literally, and I can see the guy beside me kind of like, uh-oh, is this one of these problem passengers?

Are we going to have to call the air marshal? But I'm sitting here, I'm going, Jesus Christ, you built an airport in Lightning Alley. There's lightning. Okay, maybe if there's lightning within a mile, maybe then, but 10 miles, a 10-mile radius in Lightning Alley, that's like a disembarking. ball hanging in a disco and the freaking light reflecting all over the freaking wall.

Ladies and gentlemen, we just had a disco ball reflection go by. We're going to weigh 15. Oh, there's another one. There's another one. There's another one. We're going to sit here for three and a half years to that light bulb burns out, ladies and gentlemen. Then we will proceed to your gate and enjoy your vacation. So this is crazy.

So then finally, after 45 minutes. finally the guy goes all right sorry for the delight that we had some bad weather didn't we oh boy that's not fun let's get going we've been given the go oh what okay ladies and gentlemen we've just been told there's been and I'm like whole are you effing me this went on for over an hour over an hour we sat there in lightning and all the all the aircraft are just sitting there they shut down the whole air airport because somewhere some lightning went off within 10 miles. And I said, I'm sorry, man, there's risk with every job.

No disrespect to the hardworking, wonderful grounds crew at the airport in Tampa, okay? I don't want you to get hurt. I want you to go home to your families. But the odds of getting hit by lightning are one in one trillion billion. You'd probably win the billion dollar lottery 10 times over before you got hit by lightning. So the odds are almost nil. And second of all, I'm sorry with every single job you take, there's risk. If you're a taxi driver, there's a risk you can crash.

Hi, I'd like to go to the airport. Oh, I'm sorry, I can't take you to the airport today. But thank you for getting in my cab. What do you mean you can't take me to the airport? This is a cab, right? Yes, but on the way to the airport, I might crash, I might get in an accident. So if you would like to sit in my cab for a couple of hours, we can chit-chat. Like, what the fuck, man?

Every job has a risk, okay? And I would say the risk of getting hit by lightning is so remote, so low, that you're probably in one of the safest jobs in the world. And if somebody does get hit by lightning, oh, well, I'm sorry. window cleaners can fall off their scaffolding, construction workers could get run over by a tractor. Race car drivers could flip their car. Guys who milk cows could get kicked.

I mean, there's risk with every job. You don't shut down a whole fucking airport because there was a little flash of light in the sky 10 miles away. And we're just sitting there and then to make it, You add insult to injury. Here's what blows about California flying out of Los Angeles. There's a lot of, like, actory types and Hollywood types,

and a lot of these dillweeds make a lot of money and have kids. You know, these preppy little Hollywood couples with the man buns and the Starbucks and the designer clothes and the tablets in their hands. and the granola bars in their breast pocket. Yeah, so these rich actor entertainment weasels like to breed. And so they have kids and they got money. So guess what?

You know me, I've told you, I like to sit in first class. Okay, that's my little perk in life. I work hard, I sit in first class. And what do I expect in first class? A nice, quiet, comfortable ride. But these douchebags from Hollywood, guess what? They like a nice, quiet, comfortable right, too, but they like to bring their stupid bratty,

undisciplined Hollywood children. Because in Hollywood, they don't know how to use discipline. They're afraid of it. They placate their noisy obnoxious children. Oh, kids. Now, yelling and punching windows and kicking and shitting in the alleyway. That's not what we do. That's not nice.

What? Oh, okay, if you want to do it, maybe that's a great. growing experience for you. Maybe we'll chalk that up as a learning curve. A learning moment. Yes. So on top of everything else, these Hollywood

douchebags had their two obnoxious, riddlin covered, hyperactive, undisciplined kids that they were terrified to say anything to. So now we're stuck in Lightning Alley.

It's like a lightening. show out the window. We got these cowardly lion groundskeepers who can't come out of their thing because there's lightning 10 miles away. And they shut down a whole international airport where people are flying in and out from all over the world. And on top of that, it's Florida. So we're inside of a tin tube on a Florida runway cooking like sardines in a crock pot. Can you tell I'm pissed off yet, gang so i'm sorry man that is one of the dumbest policies i've ever heard that's like that's like not allowing a cruise ship to sail because there's water in the ocean i'm sorry ladies and gentlemen thank you for coming to carnival cruises on our wonderful four-day cruise to the bahamas unfortunately

we won't be able to leave the dock today because there's water all around the boat hopefully the water dries up soon and we can get on our merry way Meanwhile, there'll be shuffleboard and pizza slices on the upper deck. Thank you. I mean, it's just ridiculous. This country. This freaking country and all the lawsuits and everyone's so uptight and paranoid and afraid to do anything. And holy shit.

In every industry, someone gets hurt or there's loss of life. You don't want it to happen, but that's the industry you're in. You provide a service. If there's an accident or something goes wrong or there's a fluke occurrence, it happens. That's part of life. That's part of working. That's part of keeping everything moving. If everyone just sat down because of the what-ifs and the unknowns, nothing would get done.

And that's what happens at the Tampa airport with this ridiculous policy. Holy crap. So in closing, so I don't sound unsympathetic, be safe. I hope nobody gets hit by law. lightning, but change your policy. You put an airport in the middle of lightning alley, you dimwits. Oh, there, I feel better. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Now, let's get on with the show now that I've released, now that I've let go of my lightning. Roger, is there anything that we have that's a little lighter that can cheer me up, take me out of pissed off mode? Hmm? Oh, we have a voicemail from Air Ruthie? You know, I don't know if her voicemails cheer me up or just freak me out even more, but she called? Okay, well, I guess let's do it then.

Maybe that'll cheer me up. Maybe she'll say something that lifts my spirit. As you know, folks, I have my Aunt Ruthie who lives up in Rochester, New York. She's like in her mid-80s. She doesn't really understand technology, the answering machines, and, you know, I'm always out running around doing shows. she always seems to call when I'm not home, and I think she thinks she's talking to me when she gets my answering machine

because she leaves these long, rambling stories. So I guess, did she leave another long one? Roger's saying it is a story. Okay, well, let's play it. A phone message from my lovable Aunt Ruthie from Rochester, New York. Here we go. Play it, Rod.

We're sorry. Your call cannot be completed at you know. Hello. Please check the number and dial again. Hello. Oh, my, what, hello? Oh, my God, what the hell was that? Oh, my God, Angel, your phone line, it sounded, if you're answering machine, got all crossed up like a set of Chinese train tracks or something.

I had some operators telling me that I need to hang up or whatever. And it's like, you know, I'm not going to let some voice in the distance tell me what to do. I mean, you know, but she's going to have. you know, have words with me. She can come down to the bingo hall and talk to me to my face. I'm not going to have some, you know, sultry-voiced hussy from a netherworld. Tell me how to hang up my phone and try again. I mean, this is my little nephew's, you know, number here, for Christ's sake.

And how are you, Angel? Anyways, it's me. It's your Aunt Ruthie calling from Rochester, New York. Oh, we miss you so much. Me and your Uncle Harry are you up here. we're having a wonderful summer little angelized just checking in everything's good on our end except just the other day oh my god it scared the living crab apples out of me the some of the neighborhood kids had climbed over the fence and gone into the backyard and you know harry's got his fruit trees out there he's got the peaches he's got the cherry trees he's got the apricots i mean you know how harry likes to dittle around in the garden he loves

loves it out there. And so we were in the house watching some of Harry's television shows. I think we were watching Bonanza, some, you know, some cowboy thing. Looked, you know, looked like Brokeback Mountain from the 70s, for Christ's sake. And all of a sudden, we heard some noise out in the yard, for God's sakes. And there were those fucking Johnson kids and the Smiths from the other side of the fence. and that Puerto Rican couple of Rodriguez they had a couple of kids

and there was like six kids in the backyard for Christ's sake and here they are they're pulling Harry's fruit off his trees like a bunch of fucking wild hyenas ripping at the others of a you know an unborn baby gazelle for Christ sake they're just tearing them off the tree and Harry's like a thermometer

in a you know in a Chinaman's ass for Christ's sake I mean he's yet the red is just going up in his face, like somebody painted a barn, for God's sakes, my little angel. And so Harry goes running out the door. And, you know, when I say running, Harry runs about as fast as a snail with a can of pringles up his ass. I mean, you know, Harry running is like watching boogers slide out of a baby's nose. Well, someone's holding it upside down, for God's sake, little angel, but anyhow, Harry goes out into

the yard, and I'll be damned if these damn kids from all over the neighborhood don't start throwing the fresh furry your uncle Harry. I mean, Jesus Christ, they're lining them up like a bongo clown at a circus for Christ's sake. There's peaches flying off of Harry's

forehead. There's a bunch of sherrys hitting him in the nipples, leaving cherry stains on his white t-shirt, you know, the little angels, so now it looks like your uncle Well, Harry's tits are bleeding, for Christ's sake. He looks like some kind of bleeding Stephen King clown monster with bleeding blood tits, for God's sakes. And, you know, a tangerine hit him right in a nut sack.

And, you know, Harry hasn't used that thing in 45 years. So that was like, you know, throwing a ghost through a cloud. It didn't affect anything for Christ's sake, you know. But Harry's screaming. He's about to pop and he rhythm in his fucking forehead. And these kids are taunting them. And I'm thinking, Jesus Christ, my husband needs help out there. So you know me, I put on my orthopedic foot sandals, and I got my cane.

You ran, Ruth, he broke through the back door like a St. Bernard trying to get to a kitten inside of a garbage bag, for Christ's sake. I just tore the screen off. I went crashing through, and I'm running across the yard like a dog scraping dog shit off the side of an applebees, you know? and here I go. I'm running across the yard, and what do I see? A goddamn snake. All of a sudden,

a goddamn goddess snake crosses the thing. I smashed the fuck out of its little head with the end of my cane, and all the kids stop. They just freeze in the tracks, like Frosty the Snowman, just, you know, stuck his ass to a cold stripper pole

in Chicago in the middle of winter, for Christ's sake. And I'm bashing the head in on this goddamn snake. I don't want a snake. my yard angel. Do you remember when Adam and Eve were eating apples and a giant snake came down and told Eve to become a bitch?

Well, that's what happened. And ever since I read that in the Holy Bible, I don't, you know, Palm 75, Matthew Luke, 1257, I don't want snakes in my yard, angel. And so I'm here bashing the head into this goddamn snake. It's forked

tongue sticking out like, you know, the Grinch that stole Christmas shoving a fork into the the roast beast, for Christ's sake, and all the Hoos and Hooville staring at them with the retarded inbred eyes, you know what I'm saying, Angel? And so I'm bashing the head in for this snake, and it's coiling around like a bedspring at a Motel 6

after a truck that just finished fucking a 7-Eleven clip, for fuck's sakes. I mean, this is that this snake is going berserk, and the kids are just standing there with a mouse hanging open like a garage door in Rosie O'Donnell's underpants, for Christ's sake, Angel. So I'm bashing in bashing, and even Uncle Harry's gone, Rothy, Routy, take it easy. It's one of God's creatures. And I'm like, well, you know what, Satan was one of God's creatures, and he can go fucking elevator shaft.

You know what I'm saying, Angel? So the kids actually start screaming, and they're getting scared because Aunt Ruthie's bashing a serpent's head in, and those little pricks from over the the fence start throwing fresh food at your Aunt Ruthie. So all of a sudden, your Aunt Ruthie gets a peach right in the ass crack. I got cherries on my fucking forehead. So now I got cherry stains right above my eyes on my forehead, and I look like a four-eyed, bloody-eyed potato monster, for fuck's sakes.

And just when I'm about to scream, a peach flies through the air and gets stuck in my mouth. So now I look like a roast pig at a fucking, you know, Armenian banquet hall. and suddenly these kids are freaking out because now it looks like Satan's sucking down a golf ball in the backyard, bashing his snakes head in, and they're freaking out. So you ran, Ruthie chases them and starts,

you know, they try climbing the fence and one of the little bastards, the Rodriguez kid, he got stuck on a nail. So now he can't get over the fence. All the other kids are, you know, they disappeared like cockroaches at a fucking, you know, Kentucky fried chicken when they turned the lights off.

in the morning, for Christ's sake, little angel. And so now I got this, you know, this Puerto Rican kid hanging on the fence, and I thought, well, I bashed a fucking snake. Let me take the fucking cane to this fucking little throat thrower, right? So here I go. Webb, I'm lining this guy up like a golf ball down in Palm Beach, for Christ's sake. I'm whacking this kid in the fucking arms, in the back. I think I cracked his scapula for fuck sakes, little angel.

here I go whack whack whack I'm just cracking him in the ass cheeks I'm fucking I think I broke his kneecap I was like Dolores Claybourne in misery for fuck sake I'm like Stephen King's nightmare smashing James Kahn's knees

and with a sled jam and I'm just having at it it's like M Night Shyam a lion's alien movie crop circles or whatever it is it's like all I can hear in my head is swing away swing away

so here I'm bashing the fuck out of this little kid hanging on the fence. It's like I'm watching the Rodney King video in my own mind, little angel. I'm just hammering this son of a whore. And he's screaming like there's a vampire up his ass sucking blood out of his colon, for Christ's sake. And I'm just, I won't give up. I'm like, you little bastard, you stole my hairy's peaches, you pulled his cherries, you blasted his tangerines. And this kid's screaming for mercy. And finally I give a one last one and crack him right across the back of his head.

And I'll tell you what, he shut up real quick then, little angel. Scamp it over the fence, crawling away like a fucking skunk that just got run over by a Mack truck on the I-70 down to Arizona, for Christ's sake. So anyways, Angel, we picked up all the fruit. We made a nice fruit cocktail, and we vited the Johnson's over. You know them from down the street. Remember when you were a little boy, the Johnson's baby sat you once, and you baffed, all over the fireplace at the house. Remember that?

You bopped your lemon yogurt all over the Johnson's fireplace, and they never wanted to babysit you again. I don't blame them. I mean, Jesus Christ, it's like Linda Blair on a roller coaster at Six Flags, for Christ's sake, Angel. But anyways, I just, everything's been going good outside of this fruit steel is and the fruit throwers.

Your uncle Harry and I are having a wonderful summer. I know you're there in the Hollywood's making you move, and your televisions, and I hope you're doing good, Angel. I hope you come up to Rochester, New York, real soon, and visit your Aunt Ruthie and your uncle Harry. We miss you so much, little frecklefish. Call me back when you can. Harry, get your foot out of the toilet.

What the hell are you doing? Goodbye, little angel. We love you. Little Angel. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the hell is... That sounded violent, man. Aunt Ruthie, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, take a chill pill, Auntie. Mercy sakes alive.

I think we better end things right there. Holy Honolulu cheesecake. Yeesh. Play a be cray, cray. That's what I say. Play a be cray, cry, cry. All right, well, let's wrap things up. A little side note here, this is cool.

The Tonight Show that I did just a couple of weeks ago, they're going to be re-airing my episode. If you missed it originally, they're going to be re-airing it on this coming Tuesday, which is tomorrow, for God's sakes. The 21st of August, they'll be re-airing my Tonight Show appearance from just two weeks ago. So that's how good I must have been, you know.

No, I'm just kidding. But it's kind of cool. It's like getting two shots on the Tonight Show in one month. So if you miss the first one and you want to see the kid yucking it up with the old Jimmy Fallon, please check it out. That'll be tomorrow night, August 21st. And I promise you, I'll be able to make you laugh, I'm pretty sure. because we had we had fun i've seen it because it aired two weeks ago so i know how it comes out

i hope you like it anyhow um also stand-up comedy uh if you're up in canada if you're up in calgary alberta canada uh big big comedy show me and my buddy tom green from the from mtv the tom green show road trip you know tom green who doesn't know tom green he's the best one of my good, good buddies, and we're doing a show together at the left stop in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. The two of us. It's rare you get two headliners on one bill, but it's the club is having their big anniversary. I think it's their 30th, and they've invited me and Tom to celebrate and be the headlining acts together. So that's going to be September 13, 14th, and 15th. You know those tickets are going to sell out quickly, so get to my website.

Harlem Williams.com, and get on ordering your tickets before you get left out in the cold. It is going to be a great, great show. We're going to have a ton of fun. Tom's hilarious. I'm not bad. And who knows, we might even do a little something, something after our shows. Get up and do a little improv together. I don't know. No promises, but knowing me and Tom, something wild will happen. So look forward to seeing you guys in Calgary, September 13th, 14th, and 15th. The left stop. It's going to be a blast. What else can I tell you? As I mentioned earlier, if you want to call in and leave a message, I'd love to hear about your summer encounters with any creatures or critters that you might have encountered.

And if you haven't, just call in and leave a message, say hello, tell me a story about something. else, whatever you want. 323-739-433.30. We might put your call on the show, man. 323-739-433-30, or you can write to me. There's an email link at Harlandwilliams.com. Also get our free app for your telephone at the App Store. Just type in the Harland Highway.

You get the 50 latest episodes for free. And if you want to be a premium member and get every episode we've ever done. We're almost to the thousand. It's only $20 for a year. Are you kidding? That's like paying $6 to go to a thousand movies. I mean, come on, man.

So you can do that through the website at harlotwilms.com or at the free app. Tell your friends about the Harland Highway. And don't forget to check out my new stand-up comedy special exclusively on Amazon Prime. It's called Carmel. corn the pug kick them in the kibble and uh it's a really crazy special i did where i did the whole uh act dressed as a dog i have a dog mask and it's it's just it's it's pretty wild and weird so

check it out caramel corn the pug kick them in the kibble and uh you can get that you can rent it or download it and own it at amazon prime and it's real cheap i think it's three dollars to rent it and nine dollars to buy it so excuse me whatever whatever you want i think you'll get a real kick out of carmel corn the pug just typing caramel corn the pug kick them in the kibble at amazon prime and i hope you enjoy that so there you go gang that's our shishish show i hope you're having a great great great summer i hate to say it we're almost near the end of it oh i'm so sad i love summer it's not There. So keep safe, have fun.

And until next time, everybody, chicken chalemain, baby. So now I look like a roast pig at a fucking, you know, Armenian banquet hall.