The Harland Highway - 958 - RISK management expert calls the show. MAIL BAG! Harland's NAME for sale!

Episode Date: September 3, 2018

A RISK management expert calls the show. Pavement Pounder MAIL BAG! Harland's NAME is for sale! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, well, well, well, smelly, smelly, smell, smell. How are you today, ladies and gurgle gargans? This is Harlan Williams, and you are riding down the Harlan Highway with me, your host. I already said it. Harlan Williams. You want it again? Great, Harlan Williams. And it's important we say my name a lot today because something happened in the media that involves my name.

Yeah, my name might be up for sale. And we're going to talk about it. This is the most weirdest random thing, but we've got to talk about my name. Also, we're going to be taking some letters from the listener mailbag today. Some of you pavement pounders have written letters to the show. And we're going to talk about them. And many of them involve a risk. The risks we take in life, the risks we take in our jobs.

and to kind of cap that session off, we have an expert calling in a gentleman who's a risk manager and a risk assessment specialist, and he's going to be calling in towards the end of the show and talking to us about risk and risk-taking and how it swirls around us every day in our daily lives. I mean, it's a big risk just listening to this podcast. But here we go.

this is the Harland Highway I have an announcement to know You're about to go down the Harland Highway Lock the door I don't want to be a product of my environment Shut up I want my environment to be a product of me

You're riding down the Harlan Highway So, put off the fuck to get off this phone. I can get you off. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantalup. Tideon. Tadon. All right, hold tight on the Holland Highway show.

I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk, I can stand myself. Keep leading on that tutor, Charlie, and you're gonna get a show. get a shot in the mouth. Act like a man. What's the matter of you? I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit and you know it.

Okay, here we go. Let's kick it off with something very, very personal to me. So personal. Oh my God. Okay, what's the name of this podcast, right? The Harland Highway, okay? And where does the word? Harland come from, or the name Harland come from.

Well, that's me, right? So I think we're all pretty, you know, proud of our names, unless our parents name us like fat face or buckethead or something like that. But our name is really the only thing we have our whole life that belongs to us, and we get it almost from the day we're born until the day we die. It's on our gravestone. it's on a little wristband we have on our hand when we pop out into the world so our name is the one constant that stays with us it's not something that needs to be printed on a piece of paper

it's not a document it's not a government form it's just our name we respond to the to our names what else do we have i mean we you can't say nothing you gotta say something so uh we have our names and all of a sudden you know i'm going along through life and my name is harland h-a-r-l-a-n-d and i got to be honest it's a it's a pretty obscure name growing up i never met anyone named harlan through the course of my life i don't know if i've met another harland with a d there's a lot there's a lot there's a lot of Harlands, H-A-R-L-A-N, and I've met only a few. I shouldn't say there's a lot of Harlands.

There's not. There's not a ton of Harlands, or there's, I think, there's even less Harlan's, which is my name. And so, I go through, I go through life, and I don't bump into many Harlins. I don't think I've met any Harlan's, maybe one or two. I can't remember, but they're rare. So I kind of like it. I kind of like it that I have a name that no one else really has,

at least that I know of. But there's one guy my whole life that I've known has had my name, or maybe I've had his name because he's older than me. And it was kind of always a little bit of a badge of honor because it was a famous guy. And it's a famous guy you might not know had the name, Harlan, but it's the guy who created Kentucky Fried Chicken, Colonel Saunders. His full name is Colonel Harland Saunders.

Right? So, you know, I have that link to the fast food chicken guy. Hello, what do you got? So I always thought that was kind of cool, but that was pretty obscure, too. Most people did not know that Colonel Saunders' name was Harland. but when you're born a Harlan and you find out it sticks in your head. You're very aware of it, right? So now last week, KFC came out with this big announcement,

and I got all kinds of Twitters and social media hits. And here's the headline, KFC will give $11,000 to first baby born on September 9th, who's named Harland. so now they're handing out money to be called Harland and I'm thinking I've spent a lot of money at KFC over my life maybe we should uh you know you gotta get a little payback now I wouldn't be surprised if I've spent at least $11,000 a KFC in my life God you don't really think about that do you

Hmm? If you broke down the dollars you spent at a fast food joint during the course of your life, do the math on McDonald's. How much have we all spent? I wonder if they sit around there in the corporate boardroom. They must. All right, for every human being born in the United States of America, we can expect to collect a minimum of $60,000 from each human being over the course of 40 years,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, that's a lot of money, man. So I figure, you know, KFC at least owes me $11,000. But anyways, here's the story. KFC says if you have a baby on September 9th, Kentucky Fried Chicken might just give you $11,000. But KFC isn't giving them any money away to just any baby. There are two big catches.

Uh-oh. First, you must name your precious baby Harland in honor of KFC's Colonel Harland Saunders. Second, your baby must be the first Harland born in America on September 9th. Oh, I see. So they're not just handing out to every kid. It's got to be the very first baby. It's kind of like you ever hear these New Year's babies.

It's like, oh, the first baby born, 1984. It rated one second after mid-day. night he's a new year's baby so i guess this is like a chicken baby a fried chicken baby which sounds gross so if you i mean how do you document that i'd go how i'd give birth rate at kfc like i'd find a 24 hour one i'd walk in with my wife and say honey get up on the counter yep hold it don't put hold on to it squeeze it's almost it's almost midnight honey hold on to it just a little longer. Can I get a coleslaw in a family bucket while we're waiting? Hold on, baby.

Breathe, breathe, breathe. Yeah, some cold slaw and some extra biscuits. Yes. Breathe. No, regular, not spicy. Yes. Okay, it's one minute after. Push, push, push, push. Can we get some gravy? Yes. I mean, that's what I'd do to make sure I won the 11K. I'd walk in there with a pregnant wife.

I'd order all this food. I'd say, you know what, we're not going to be paying. And at midnight, we're going to squirt out a baby right at the table here. So just give us some free chicken while we're here, okay? So here's the deal. The first baby born, whose legal name is Harlem between midnight and 11.59 p.m. Eastern Time. On September 9th, we'll get an $11,000 college donation. Why 11, you might ask?

because KFC's 11 herbs and spices, of course. Oh, so there's a little secret hidden dealio in here. Okay. Okay. But wait a minute. 11 herbs and spices. Then why don't they do it? Oh, I see.

Okay. His birthday's on September 9th, because I was going to say if there's 11 herbs of spices, why not do it on September 11th? That would be a bit weird. Yeah, we let's all jump up and down for a Harlan chicken baby the same day that the planes flew into the Twin Towers. How about that? Yeah, that's not a good promo, cross promo.

The biggest attack on American soil where something like 3,000 Americans died and we're jumping up and down for a chicken baby named Harlan. Forget, no way. Let's not cross those wires. It says if you're willing to gamble with your child's first name, the entry site will go live on September 9th and stay open for 30 days. Parents must submit name, date, and time of their baby's birth via certificate, hospital records, or other official records, along with their contact information.

KFC's baby naming promotion is held in honor of its founder, Colonel Saunders. It's his 128 birthday. Well, see, now, if I knew my kid was going to live to be 128, if I named him, Harlan, that would be the real prize. The fried chicken behemoth was displeased that the name Harlan ranked only 3,257th, among the most common baby names in America. At that point, it would make it easier to include it among the least common names.

Yes, exactly. Now, see, here's where I'm getting rubbed a little bit. I kind of like it that it's an obscure name. I like it that it's ranked way down there. I like it that I'm not a Bill or a Larry or a Bob or a John. My parents, for whatever reason, they're not the wackiest parents. You know, you'd think someone who named their kid Harland back in the 60s.

You know, and my parents weren't hippies or any of their pretty straight-laced. Harlan's a kind of way out their name. As you just heard, it's not common. It's a little bit weird-sounding. Harland, Harland, Harland. And my parents who were always very conservative and straight-laced, gave me that name. It's a little odd.

But I ended up liking it. You know, when I was a kid, it was a little bit tough because, you know, all the other kids at school had normally, Lisa and Barbara and David and Michael and John and Larry and Peter and Carol and Kelly and Harland.

And all the kids were, what was that? You know, kids still still. weren't used to weird oddball names yet when you're when you're in grade school what's a harland howland holland harley what is it like people just you know even now they're still a bit confused by it and so when i was a kid it was a little bit disconcerning it was a little bit embarrassing sometimes when you'd be out at a party or you're meeting someone and they asked your name it was like a little sometimes it can be weird to say but then as I got older and you started to you know

figure out life a little bit and you realize there's a lot of conformity in the world and in your life and we all kind of get put into the program and kind of you know kind of get a little bit brainwashed to kind of strive and do and you know act out the same lives as everyone else Having a bit of an oddball name felt good. You know, I enjoy my name. I like it that I have a different name. For now, but apparently now there's going to be like $20 billion like Kentucky Fried Chicken Harlan babies running around.

So there you go, man. Just a heads up, if any of you are listening and you're pregnant, you know, if they're paying $11,000, to name your kid Harland. How about I pay you $11,000, and just name your kid Harland Highway? How about that? Would you do that for me?

No, okay, I didn't think so. But, you know, it's funny. It's like, you know, if the fast food joints or commercial enterprises start getting in on the name game, is this going to open the door? Yeah, I'd like to meet my son. This is Home Depot, and this is his little sister Arby's.

And we're expecting a newborn in about a week. We've already picked out a name, Little Baby, Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I can't believe her. And, oh, we can't forget our older son who's in college, Chick-fil-A. He's doing great. He's actually, he just had a kid. He just had a kid, Victoria's Secret.

she's beautiful yeah just wonderful kid and uh well actually they had twins um yeah one of them was uh walmart little little walmart junior you know i mean where does this end gang so there you go i'm holding on to harland for now but if there's too many of us i will change my name to something else you know i've always wanted to be like uh named something something else you know i've always wanted to be like uh named something cool like Taco Bell you know have a little ethnicity in my name hey Taco Bell what's up man yeah I'm doing all right man you know I'm doing okay

you want to go to Wendy's no let's go to Taco Bell I can have a discount okay that makes sense man let's go all right so there you go Harland Williams the man the myth the extra crispy Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have

better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend. what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out

That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Letters. Oh, we get letters.

We get your letters every day. Mailman, mailman, mail today Reach right in and pull one out Those letters I love those letters Let's find out what you've got to say Oh boy Mailman

Mail today All right Here we go Let's dip into the listener mail bag Boys and girls The only podcast in the world that gets physical emails. Yeah, people hit send an email and somehow I get a paper copy of it.

I don't know how that works. But let's get into it. Lots of letters from you guys. Here's one from a gent named John Marcus. He says, wow. Aunt Ruthie was phenomenal and perhaps has the most foul mouth in history. Yes, she gets a little blue. And I never heard you seem to be genuine.

angry until you talked about your Tampa plane landing experience. Who says Canadians are always mellow and polite? Go Harlan. Yes, I had a little run-in at the Tampa airport with the plane people. And it was a crummy situation. In fact, Raj, didn't we get a couple of letters on this? I did a segment about Harlan's Pissed Off

and the whole segment was about me and getting stuck at the Tampa Airport because they wouldn't let us off the plane because there was lightning in the area and every time there was a lightning strike within 10 miles they stopped the airport, they shut it down. What? There is another letter, right? I thought so.

Okay, well, let's, before I go on with this, let's just read the other letter and then we'll bundle them together. Okay, here it is. This is a letter from Scott. And Scott says, subject, airport workers. Scott says, I find it extremely annoying when you complain on your podcast about

airport workers not working when there's a chance of lightning strikes in the area. When you have such an incredibly privileged life and lifestyle, How about getting a job at the airport and experiencing a few lightning strikes nearby while you were working and see if you think safety should be a priority? Do you realize how ridiculously absurd you sound, or were you purposely being obtuse to be funny? Thank you, he says, says Scott, although his letter sounds a little angrier than my rant.

Well, Scott, thank you for your letter. your honesty, but let me address it. Let me address the letter previously where the previous letter, the, the, the listener seemed to get that, yes, Scott, I am purposely being obtuse to be funny. So when I do the pissed off segments, I find things that piss me off, and for a fact, for comedic effect, and for anger effect, and for to be entertaining. I amp it up. I expand on the anger.

I blow it out of proportion. I go big, as they say, Scott. I go big. Because that's kind of the joke of it, that it's something that shouldn't make someone super furious, but I like blowing it out so that it sounds like it's the end of the world. And so I think you got that, but at the same time I can tell,

you're also, maybe you are an airport worker or maybe you're sympathetic to airport workers or maybe you do a job that's a high-risk job. I don't know. But I can tell you were irritated and mad at my kind of reaction to being on an airplane stuck on the tarmac after a six-hour flight with screaming kids two seats in front of me. And I'm at an international airport in the lightning capital of the planet and they've got a policy that if there's a lightning streak within 10 miles they shut the whole airport down if you want to go hear that rant it's a few podcasts back but it was a very silly policy of my my i maintained that every job has an element of risk and and if you're going to put an airport in the middle of a lightning zone

Okay, if there's lightning like right above you or nearby, fine, but 10 miles is a long... Have you ever driven 10 miles, ladies and gentlemen? Have you ever walked 10 miles? Have you ever tried to even see 10 miles when you're up on top of a hill? It's a long way. And it plays into that whole, you know, the government and institutions. Everyone's so worried about lawsuits in this freaking country. That realistically, it should be within a, you know, a mile or two, there's a lightning strike.

That's reasonable. Ten miles? Why don't just make it a hundred miles? If there's lightning within a hundred miles, shut down a whole international airport where millions of people travel through every day. And we'll make them late for their connecting flights and we'll disrupt the whole system. And by the way, did I mention we're in the lightning capital of the planet where there's a lightning strike every 33 seconds? So, Scott, yes, and I say to Scott, I say, how would you feel, Scott, if you were on that airplane, okay? If you had flown six hours, stuck in a seat, you land in the plane, you're 30 feet.

I'm telling you we were 30 feet from the little gate that comes out and attaches to the plane. 30 feet Okay And you know these airplanes are so cheap once you land or once they said They shut the AC off they shut the heater off They just make you suffer And then as I said in my bit there was there was two hyperactive children It was not a pleasant experience

So I say to you Scott how would you feel Would you want to sit there? Do you think it's a good policy when you're irritated and tired and hot and bothered and by the way they said they were going to bring the plane in like five, six times and then there was a lightning strike

nine, ten miles away and they couldn't go 30 feet so I said in my bit to Scott and I don't know if he missed it or not but I said look every job you do in life there's a risk factor if you're a lumberjack which I was by the way

there is a risk of a tree falling on you. If you were a bus driver or a taxi driver, there's a risk you'll have a car accident. If you work at Home Depot, there's a risk something could fall on you. If you work on a bridge, there's a risk you could fall off the bridge. There's risks everywhere. But that doesn't, we don't stop working. We don't tell people, oh, there's a three mile an hour wind on the bridge today.

Everybody sit inside for an hour. And so, yeah, I think I have the right to be irritated, Scott. I think you would have been irritated. If you were sitting there after six, would you just be sitting there smiling and happy and thinking this whole lightning and moving 30 feet and not being allowed to move every 15 minutes? Is a good idea? So, A, everything has risk, okay? And I said in my bit, the risk.

risk of being hit by lightning is so minimal, you'd probably have a better chance of winning a lottery ticket, jumping in the ocean, getting attacked by a shark, and getting rabies than getting hit by lightning. Okay? And even though I was goofing around with my anger on the bit that I did, here's something that does get me angry, Scott, since you want some real anger. Well, it's not real anger, but it did get my hairs up in your letter. Quote, when you have such an incredibly privileged life and lifestyle. Well, you know what, Scott, I don't have a privileged lifestyle.

You know what I have? I have an earned lifestyle. Yeah, I'm not privileged. Nobody handed me anything. I wasn't a trust fund baby. You know what I did? You want to talk about risk? Sean?

I took every cent I owned when I was in my late mid to late 20s. I took every penny out of my bank. I drained my bank from Canada. I moved down to the United States and I said, I am going to go, go, go until I'm penniless. And if I don't make it, I'm going to go back. and I was down to my last like $2,000 that I had to my name before things started happening for me.

But let me just tell you, once things started happening for me, they just didn't happen because I came down here. There was a good 10 years before I came down here where I worked my ass to the bone. I would almost like to see if you could come back into my, life and do the work and put in the time and take the risks that I took and see if you could survive it. Many of my friends that I know in Hollywood and around call me the hardest working guy they've ever met. And I've taken so many risks. I've put in so many hours and days and

months. And I've done jobs that weren't easy. I worked out in the bush. I was a lumberjack. I was a canoe guy. I was a fish and wildlife guy. I took a risk in Hollywood. I've had to struggle. I've had to hammer my way through hundreds and thousands of people trying to get the parts that I got in movies and TV shows and comedy clubs and yada.

You think it just fell in my lap? Do you think I was privileged? Dude, you would probably wear out and die if you tried to keep up with what I've done in my life. And I'm not being cocky. I'm not puff in my chest. I'm just giving you the reality. There is nothing in my life that is privileged.

I earned, earned everything in my life. And I don't look at my life like that. I don't look at like, oh, privileged, do, lifestyle. I just look at it as I do my work. I try to do it as good as I can. And the rewards that come from it are more than monetary. believe me so I don't know what

privileged and lifestyle have to do with me sitting on a plane being annoyed you could be work at 7-Eleven you could be a billionaire you could be a farmer you could be a a fisherman it doesn't matter man

lifestyle and and privilege doesn't play into being stuck on a plane with an airline in an airport that has a ridiculous policy and they're stupid, loud, annoying, hyper kids yelling, and everyone's getting mad.

I wasn't the only one on the plane, irritated, Scott. You're making it sound like I was sitting there being a pre-Madonna. I wasn't. Everyone was upset. Everyone was mad and grumbly and irritated. Don't you get it? That's why I say, Scott. If you were on the plane, what would you do, buddy?

Six hours from California to Florida. You finally land, you pull up to the gate, you're 30 feet. 30 feet. You could see the thing. It was right there. And a little lightning. The skies above us were clear, but in the distance, there was storm clouds. And every now and then you'd see a little thing.

Whoops, ladies and gentlemen, we just saw them about 9.8 miles away. We just saw another little lightning flash. We're going to sit here for another protocol says we have to sit here for 15. minutes to 20 minutes because I'm not really sure why because lightning happens in a split second but maybe you know it cools off and it's still up there it's angry and it's

you know that's the other thing what what's their theory about lightning it goes off what is it is it like a machine gun there's there's 20 other ones behind it usually if you ever watched an electrical storm usually when there's lightning it's like oh there goes the lightning and then it's like beat Beat, beat, beat. It's quiet for a bit, and then another one builds up.

So anyways, buddy, don't be mad at me. I won't be mad at you. But be honest, man, if you were sitting on that plane, you'd be just as pissed. And so, A, to answer your questions, the rants are designed to be a little theatrical, okay? So I do, I do juice it up. B, it's a dumb policy, whether I'm a homeless guy or I'm a freaking billionaire. It's a dumb policy. I don't want anyone to get hurt at the airport. But every single job, everything you do in life has an element of risk.

If we shut everything down because there was risk, nothing would get done. They wouldn't wash windows. They wouldn't paint roads. They wouldn't drive trains. They won't even fly airplanes. You think there's not lightning up in the sky? Maybe that's the first choice, ladies and gentlemen. We just saw lightning up in the sky.

We're going to stay down. And then lastly, don't hang the privilege and lifestyle thing over me, man. It's not that. It's earned. And I hope you earn it. I hope anybody earns it. That's what's great about this country. You can go out and earn any lifestyle you dream of.

But, man, you've got to work. buddy you gotta work it ain't a privilege it's a grind and if you enjoy your work like I do I love my work it's a great grind I it inspires me I love it and there you go so great letters that that one took a lot longer than I thought so I think we'll kind of keep the mailbag short today who and Scott got me all fired up but I appreciate your letter Scott thank you I hope my answer illuminate you. I'm not trying to be combative. I'm not trying to say you're wrong and I'm right or whatever, but I hope I illuminated you to my point of view and my kind of my counter to what your letter said. And I hope you understand where I'm coming from and it resonates

with you. But thank you. I appreciate all letters, criticisms, but you know, I'll always give a fair rebuttal. Also like praise. Like here's another letter. Harland, I think you're very sexy. You have a beautiful body. Your face reminds me of a young Brad Pitt. You are one of the most

sexual and beautiful people I ever have seen. Why don't you model and why aren't you on the cover, you gorgeous sec? Okay, I'm making that one up. Scott! See, Scott! I made that letter up because I'm privileged

I'm privileged to have a podcast where I can make whatever up I want privileged lifestyle, Scott All right, me and Scott might have to go for a beer one day I feel like we had a little fight but we buried the hatchet If you want to write to me

you can write to me at harlandwilliams.com And I will read your letter I don't know if it'll make it into the mailbag but I read them all. And you can also phone me if you're too lazy to write, if you're too privileged. If you have too much of a privileged lifestyle to even sit down and write,

you could pick up your phone and have your butler hold the receiver while you talk. The number for the Harland Highway Hotline, 323-739-4-330. That's 323-739-4330, and it rings about six or seven times before the machine kicks in. So be patient. And let us know what you think.

It's a privilege. It's a lifestyle. All right, Raj. Wrap it up. Let's move on to something else. Thank you for your letters. Until next time, that's it for the Harland Highway listener, mailbag. Well, so there you go.

A little, hold on. Yeah, Rogers holding up a card there in the, behind the glass. What is it? A risk management consultant guy? Oh, he's calling in, okay. Who is this, though? Sid Carter? Okay, he runs a company risk, risk management.

Management and Assessment Specialist? Okay, why don't we take this call because, you know, we are talking about risk and work and stuff like that. So who better to kind of walk us through that kind of thing than this gentleman on the phone. We've never had him on the show. Have we, Raj? No.

Okay, put him through. Sid Carter. Hello, Sid, are you there? Hello, Mr. Williams. How are you today? Uh, great, Sid. Uh, thank you for calling. We actually had a little bit of a testy, uh, exchange here with one of our listeners. I know, I know. I could hear it. Believe me, I could hear it. It was, uh, I can understand the, the aggravation and the sensitivity and you and your listener there. And, uh, you know, he's, uh, he's, uh, he's juiced up. He's juiced up. Well, he was a little juiced up and maybe you can help, uh, help us, you know, sort this out the whole risk manager.

risk assessment type of thing. This sounds like this is what you do for a living, sir. Yeah, that's right, Mr. Williams. I'm a risk assessment and risk manager person and, you know, short form assessment, ASS and manager man. I'm a risk ass man is what they call me. Oh, okay, a risk ass man? Assistant and manage, you know, short from it, it's business jingo.

It's lingo jingo. We talk about the, you know, when you meet clients, you know, time is money, Mr. Williams. And so you just, you abbreviate things. So risk assessment, risk management, you cut them down ass for resistant and man for manager, and you got yourself a risk ass man, so to speak. Okay, all right, fair enough. let's dive into this then what what do we say to people

that that want to take a job but there's risk associated with the job where do we start well Mr. William you know I was listening to your podcast and you made a very clever point you're a very clever man well thank you thank you so much said you're very welcome in

a point well taken that in every profession there is an element of risk. Let me just tell you, can I tell you a little backstory that I have? Please do, sir. At one point in my career, before I was an ass man, I used to be a custodian for a large office building, and I had to circulate throughout the whole building, Mr. Williams. I was in the elevator shafts. I was in the men's bathrooms. I was in the women's bathrooms. I was in the basement. I was behind the furnace. I was up on the top of the top.

floor, the office, you name it, I was everywhere, okay? Yeah, I'm okay, got it. And every single floor I was on, I mean, there was a shiny floor that I buffed or polished. I could have, there were times when I slipped. One time I hurt my hip, you know, there's a time when I fell, it's like walking on ice when you buff a shiny floor in the hallway, you see? So I fell once hit my head, what am I supposed to do? I'm a custodium.

I wear a hockey helmet around in the office building. I don't think so, you know. I got you. So there's an element of risk. You can hurt yourself? You know how many doors I walked into, Mr. Ever, you ever tackle a revolving door on a windy day? The office building had a revolving door. It was like walking into a helicopter propeller, for God's sake.

Well, there you go. I think you're making my point that everywhere you go, everything you do. I'll never forget one time I was in the women's bathroom, I was taking a dump, and one of the women came in, and she pulled the door open, you know, and I'm standing there, holy crap, you know, I stand up, and I was in the middle of urinating, you know, normally a man stands to urinate, I was taking a dump, and I stood up, and I sprayed everywhere, and I, you know, I was fumbling to pull my pants up, and I slipped on my urine, hit my head on the toilet, and, you know, I was, maybe I had a concussion, I don't know,

But I started wandering around, I burst out of the women's bathroom with my pants hanging around my ankles. And I'm, you know, wandering through the hallways, half naked. I, you know, I'm sitting on people. I'm touching. I think, you know, maybe I kissed a few people. Whoa. Okay. But you see, this is all part of the risk.

You know, I didn't know someone was going to come in. You know, I'm a janitor. I got access to the ladies' rooms. The bathrooms are a little nicer. They're a little cleaner, so I squatted down. We got it, sir. We got it. You know, it's a little unorthodox, but I guess I understand.

And so, you know, anything can happen. And so when you're out there in the field, whether it's lightning or it's water on the floor, I mean, I saw a thing on YouTube the other day, Mr. Williams, where a nice lady was working at the McDonald's Drive-Foe, and uh someone went ap shit on her and uh they didn't have some chicken mcnuggets cooked you know they didn't have them ready and all of a sudden uh some crazy white trash uh trailer park or jumps out of a car and grabs the drive through chick pulls it through the window and starts pumbling her you know i mean what kind of life is the world do we living in when you're getting

your face bashed in for uh chicken nuts yeah i think i saw that video i think that that was like horrific. And so who goes to work at McDonald's at the drive-thru thinking, today's the day I get my fat face punched in over chicken nuggets, right? Well, I don't know if she had a fat face, but I get your point. You see what I'm saying? So there's an element of risk to everything you do. And so we've got to appreciate that, and we've got to understand that if people aren't going to get up out of bed in the morning. By the way, if I could tell another little story, Mr. Williams. Please do. I think you're making some good points here. Thank you very much. Well, I'll never forget. I was at a Motel 6. I was on a conference up in a place called Bakersfield, California, small town, medium-sized town.

And, you know, they put me up at the Motel 6. And, you know, I got it. Sometimes I'm out on the road. I get a little lonely, and I wand it over to the Applebee's. It was happy, oh, Mr. Williams. You understand. stand it. Okay, fair enough. And as fate would have it, you know, I had a few drains closing time, and I picked up a local scag who was, you know, kind of the last gargoyle at the bar

at night. Well, you know, sir, I think we get it. Sometimes there's people wait for the lights to go up and... And I kind of wish the lights hadn't come up on this pound puppy, you know, but anyways, I

I get this scag, and I'm three tits to the wind, Mr. Williams, and I, you know, pretty much had to lure her back to my hotel room with a bag of curly fries from hobbies. I mean, this chick was like a beached whale looking for a hamburger stand at Dave Lasselhoff's fucking barbecue or something, you know? Okay, so you took a local girl. I got it back to the Motel 6, and, you know, I ain't doing nothing. days without a condom, you want to talk about risk, Mr. Williams. Try riding the sexual choo-choo train in this day and age between SARS and AIDS and the Zika virus and Ebola. I mean, you know, you put your Tommy knocker into a hole these days, and you might as well go to a fairground and shove it into one of those haunted houses.

You don't know what kind of monster you're going to get on your meat. Whoa, whoa, sir. I get it. You're going a little graphic here. Well, you know, when you're trying to describe risk, you don't pull your punches, okay? Risk is what makes the world go around. And so I'm trying to drive that point home here to you and your listeners. Okay, can we just cut ahead? You went to the Motel 6.

So I had this local scag. Sir, if you could not refer to her as a scag, this is a woman from Bakersfield. Well, if you want, you know, okay, she was a woman, air quotes, woman from Bakersfield. You know, how many letters is scagged from woman? I think there's only like a three-letter different. Sir? So anyways, we, you know, we get back to the Motel 6, and, you know, we ripped the clothes off. And, holy God, I mean, you know, I got to tell you, Mr. Williams, have you ever seen a muffin top?

Yes, I've seen a muffin top. You know, how about a whole fucking ice cream birthday cake top? Have you ever seen that? I mean, this chick's fat rolls were hanging over her waistline like water going over an overflowing bathtub. I mean, it was just unbelievable. Okay. Sir, you're at the Motel 6.

What is the risk thing here? I told you, Mr. Wims, there's risking everything. So I wasn't going to risk, you know, not putting a condom on the, you know, the giant narwhal, as I call it. The giant narwhal. You know what I'm talking about? I really don't, sir, but please continue. So I'm not going to do anything with a, you know, a Bakersfield scag

without putting, you know, some rubber around the sausage. And so here we go. You know, we're slamming so hard. The bed board went through the drywall and hit the people in the next room in the head. I mean, we woke them right up. Sir, what? We had aggressive sex, which is risky, but that's not where the story goes if I could finish. Okay.

So we're banging like a couple of dolphins trapped in a fish tank at PJ's Pet Center. You know what I'm saying? Not really. I'm saying it was hot, it was tight, it was smelly, and I don't know what those noises were coming out of her. You know what? But it sounded like someone had a nest of owls that were duct taped to the the side of a ceiling fan. Sir!

So we finish up, and you know how it is. You ever heard of Afterglow after you've made love? Well, we finish up. I pull the rubber out. It's almost smoking because this, I don't know, on the last time this Skag got her ravioli rolled over, you know? Sir! And, you know, I dropped to the mattress,

and I let the condom fall to the floor, okay? It's on the floor. It looks like a snake just went through the Motel 6 and shedded its skin. Okay? And I fall asleep. You know how it is after you've had a good, like, gargoyle shagging. You just pass out like a drunk at the back of a Denny's after they just cleaned out the dumpster, you know? Sir, okay, so you fell asleep and the condom was on the floor.

So I forget about it. I wake up in the morning. I turn the birds are singing. There's light porn through the window. I slowly turned my head over, and I see this scag that I picked up at Applebee's. Sir? And my God, she turned around and looked at me, and I thought the fucking cowardly lion from the Wizard of Oz was in my bed, except they got hit by a truck, and a pug fucked its face.

Sir! Where is this going? I'm trying to keep it on the risk assessment here, because that's what I do. I'm a risk-ass man. You've said that. Now, what happened? Well, I got so scared by this Frankensteinish freak, you know, and I was like, I made hunker, hunker burn in love to that monster. I mean, you know, you call the Discovery Channel and find me the guy that does that show River Monsters,

because this one's got more teeth than Godzilla after a day at the orthodontist, you know? Sir! So I go flying out of the bed. Guess what happened, Mr. Williams? What happens, sir? I put my bare foot right on the used condom from the night before. Okay. Have you ever been to a clown show at the circus?

Have you ever seen the skit with a clown but tends to slip on the banana peel and goes tits over backwards and lands on his back? Okay, yes. Yeah. Well, I volunteer this, and any scientist out there who's listening who wants to do. disprove my theory. I go so far as to say that a used condom after it's been in an Appleby Skag all night is 50 times more slipperier than a banana peel and probably a hundred times more slippery than a more eel from the bottom of the deepest tank over at SeaWorld. How about that? Sir, good Lord. What happened and then can we clean this up? Well, I went

and tits over back with like a clan at the bottom of him and belly sick as I flew up in the air. I squirted off that used condom like a seal flying off the ice after a pot of killer whales just bit its tits off. Are you kidding? Sir! And now here I am. I'm in the middle of the air. It's like everything went into slow motion. And I look over and here's Gorgonzola Sally over there.

She's staring at me and guess what? She's still eating the curly fries from the night before. Can you believe this shit? They're hanging out of the top of her lips. It looks like she's got fangs, like a North Korean werewolf or something. Sir? So I hit the floor, bang, cracked four vertebrae, and so the point I'm making... What is the point you're making?

The point I'm making, going back to your listeners, is there is risk in everything. There is risk in being a janitor. There is risk in working at an airport. There is risk driving a cab, and yes, there's even risk making love to a midnight Bakersfield drunk scagg. Sir? And I rest my case, Mr. Williams, I'm going to leave it there, because I think it's important that people understand no matter what they do in life, no matter what they're engaged in, whatever the profession, whatever their hobby, there is risk. to dance around it and be a hoity-to-to-dy and do things like shut down airports and close malls and you know the whole world would grind to a standstill and we i don't think we want that

well there's the point i was looking for right at the end and that's what i do i'm uh as i told you i'm an ass man yes you are yes you are especially up in baker's field what wait what does that mean exactly. It was just a cheap joke. See? Now, I knew there was a risk coming on this podcast. They told me not to do it because it's such a piece of living shit, and they said

you'd make fun of me. I'm not making fun of you, and it's not a piece of shit. This is a very reputable podcast, and I took a risk putting you on the show, sir. Well, I took a risk going over to your sister's house and plowing her in the

face while she's bent over the couch. Pardon me, sir? You heard me, you greased up banana peel sucking C-cugumbia fucking do-dom monster? Go eat a fucking bag of chips with your asshole. Whoa, what the hell? Eat a bag of chips. Roger?

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This exclusive one-piece unit means there's nothing to assemble. And it's available in two fragrances or vinegar and water. The solution doctors recommend. With Summer's Eve, freshness has never been simpler. All right. So we went from risk assessment to Summer's Eve. whatever. Let me tell you about something that's coming up. We're in September now. Can you believe it? We're like September, October, November 4. We're in the last like quarter of the year, man.

So scary. September, October, November, December. dudes the years are just flying past what are we what is happening um but anyways uh since it's september i have a great comedy gig coming up uh september 13 14 and 15th if you live up in canada or even if you live in the states and You want to make your way up to Calgary, Alberta, Canada. September 13, 14, 15, and yours truly, I'm going to be up there with one of my best buddies, Tom Green, from MTV, Tom Green. And we're going to be doing a show together at the Blackfoot Inn. It's a comedy club in Calgary, Alberta.

And it's rare that you get two headlines. working together but it's the club's like 30th anniversary and they wanted to bring two of the good old Canadian boys in to celebrate so they asked me and Tom to do a double header and man it is going to be a blast a blowout a riot we are going to have fun so get your tickets to the left stop at the Blackfoot Inn September 13 14 and 15 I'm I'm pretty sure that one's going to sell out so don't be disappointed go to harland at williams.com get your tickets online reserve them now don't mess around man don't mess around player um and uh let's do this let's do this thing um and then later

in the fall oh i can't believe i even said fall uh i'll be in spokane washington on October 18, 19, and 20 at the Spokane Comedy Club. And then in November, I'll be at the Tacoma Comedy Club in Washington, Tacoma. And then I'll be in Irvine, California, at the Improv in November, 15, 16, 17. So some good dates coming up. And I hope we see you there, man. Go to Harlan Williams.com while you're there, check out the conference. comedy page also check out our store we've got all kinds of cool merchandise for you to buy

um including my uh comedy downloads and t-shirts and CDs and music and you name it man it's all there it's all there baby um what else you can write me as i told you at harlem williams or if you want to leave me a voicemail, 323739-43330, 3-2-3-739-433-30. Always love to hear from you. Oh, so sweet. And that's it, man. I hope you had a great, great summer. Hope you had a lot of fun, a lot of good memories.

As you know, I didn't go to Burning Man this year. last three years I've gone to Burning Man so I don't have any stories for you this year I did not go this year do I regret it to be honest yeah I do regret it I missed it a lot I was like I was kind of bummed

I thought I'll take a year off give it a rest and I was like man you get a rest in between years like in between the event it's only one week every year you get so now it's like two years till I'm going again You know, like, because I've missed this year.

So next year, unless something big happens, I'm gone, man. And that's it. I'm going to have an announcement very soon about the second season of puppy dog pals. And dig this, yours truly is even starting to work on another animated series for another network. a little hint I can't say anything yet but oh my god could there be more

than puppy dog pals out there in the universe from yours truly we're working on it you'll see I'll have announcements about that soon but for now coming up I'll let you know when season two

of puppy dog pals begins let's just say we're getting close okay I just sipped my my delicious seltzer water. So that's it. We'll wrap it up for today. Thank you for being here, everybody.

Have a great fall. And until next time, chicken. Chalman, baby? Is 50 times more slippery than a banana peel and probably 100 times more slippery than a more eel from the bottom. of the deepest tank over at SeaWorld. How about that?